Chapter 2: GreedBaru
"..."
She was again in the dark, empty world where the third test was taking place.
I could feel her spiritual body, different from the other Emilia's body in a certain way...
His spiritual body was in perfect condition... his mind was in absolute chaos.
Obviously, his mind would be...
Emilia had lived a horrible experience, she had seen the truth hidden by Natsuki Subaru, she had seen the nature of her powers and the enormous sacrifice she had to pay to use them.
How much damage had been done by that simple one-day friendship the two shared in the royal capital?
Would it be correct to blame someone for that situation?
Could she accept that what she had experienced was a true reality?
Although she had shared precious moments with the Subaru of that world, she simply could not accept that what she had experienced was real. It wasn't about whether she knew whether it was real or not, it was about her wishing it hadn't been.
She wished they were simply impossible scenes, like the one in the second test.
"..."
It's not that, he thought.
What she had witnessed was an existing reality, a reality where Subaru never accompanied her to the mansion, a reality where she never met Reinhard before challenging Elsa countless times. A reality where she was never able to help him. A reality where her "other self" had completely ignored Natsuki Subaru. She had been ignorant to the end...
Could she blame Subaru for breaking down and turning into a monster?
It was clear that Subaru was not just an innocent victim, he had condemned many in exchange for being able to fulfill his selfish desires. But neither could he ignore all the events that made him an archbishop of evil.
Could she blame her other self for not having met him?
She wanted to hate herself, she did throughout the viewing, but Subaru had convinced her that it wasn't her fault.
"Who can blame you for the things that happened? No one." Those had been Subaru's words when they had argued about it. She hadn't been sure, but he had convinced her.
She could not blame the other Emilia, since, from her point of view, she had never met Subaru and had no idea what was going on.
The archbishop of pride had turned her into a princess who lived a life without understanding anything, without realizing anything, he had kept her weak in an eagerness to protect her. When he possessed the body of that Emilia, the memories of both of them somehow became unified. It was not the same as experiencing her life, it was more the feeling of having a distant memory of what the other had lived.
It would not be fair to blame her for the acts of cruelty Subaru had carried out. She had never asked him to do that. She had no way of knowing what he was doing, much less had a way of stopping him.
So, what could she do after experiencing all that?
Not having done anything was also a thorn that would not easily leave his heart...
But it wasn't quite like that. Because she had been able to do something in the end.
To have been able to help him achieve happiness, to love himself and continue to live in a way that he could have been happy... to have been able to do something, even if only that, brought some peace to his chaotic mind.
But no sooner had he reached a superficial level of calm than a light began to shine more brightly.
She was a colored star. If each of those stars represented a world, she had to face six more futures, including this one. She had to save six Subaru... -and then she would save her Subaru.
This was golden, reminiscent of something bright and deep, like a sun.
Confront the sin of greed.
If only Subaru had come with me
That was Emilia's naive thought when she was able to see "The route of the Pride."
A line of thinking that was quickly trampled upon.
AghhhhhhhhhhhhhHH! ...
Why does everyone hate me? Why does everyone hate me? Why does everyone hate me? Why does everyone hate me? What did I do to them?
Save me! Save me! Save me! Save me! Save me! Save me! Save me! Save me! Save me! Save me! Save me!
Kill me! Kill me! Kill me! Kill me! Kill me! Kill me! Kill me! DROP!
I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!
"N-No... Nooooooo!"
Many times she had left him to die, when she was supposed to have brought him to the mansion to reward him. She had been useless again. She had not rewarded him in the slightest and, instead, brought Subaru back to death, brought him to be tortured and killed by her own maidservants for a misunderstanding. To involve him again with an assassin who was after her faction.
Subaru's pleas, pleas for help, were recorded, and he could hear them even though his deaths had already occurred. Even though she had not been able to save him
How many more times would she betray him with her stupidity?
He hadn't realized how cruel she was. How stupid she was. How hopeless she could be.
The feelings that welled up in this version of her - that version that had done exactly the same thing she remembered - were feelings of pure rejection, malice, disgust and hatred.
All the events at the mansion were worse than a slap in the face of Emilia's absurd hope. She had left him to die, even in his own home. At the hands of the people she believed to be her friends.
Emilia had assumed that by taking him to the mansion, unlike the previous Subaru, she would have been able to do something to protect him. But what had been shown so far was the definitive proof that she did not.
Such a thing was absolutely unforgivable. A total fault.
How many promises had she broken without realizing it?
I will protect you. I won't let anything bad happen to you. Trust me.
She remembered that she had said those words to Subaru. Nice, false and empty words, now that she could see them from another perspective, they sounded like words spoken lightly. When Emilia said them, she had every intention of protecting Subaru. But the results spoke for themselves.
It hurt so much, it was so hard, I thought I would die. It was so painful...
The words he had said to her as she cried in his lap now carried a different weight. Subaru had confessed many things in those moments, and she hadn't managed to understand even a measly part of what he had been screaming as he clung to her.
"I'm despicable too..."
She continued to watch. The real selection. The fight that had been unfair to him. Petelgeuse's attack on the village and the mansion. The appearance of the white whale. Puck's transformation and the ways in which he killed Subaru. And Rem's confession.
"I'm absolutely despicable...but I don't want to be anymore."
If she wanted to save Subaru, sitting around and moping was futile. It was too late for her to change anything, but she wanted to reward him. She wanted to show him that her struggle had not been futile... she had to show him that death was not the way to reach the happy ending.
She did not believe that what Subaru sought had the same value as Subaru's life, and completely abhorred that mentality he had about his life being there to be used.
With her determination strengthened, she would see the events that occurred in the sanctuary.
"Love yourself."
A silver voice spoke those words in the middle of Echidna's garden. Two people, two lovers, were surrounded by six witches as they shared a long-awaited reunion.
Subaru looked at her with a terrified silence as he seemed to whisper unintelligible things.
"Love myself...?" his voice was calm, but quavering, doing his best to control his rage.
Subaru looked at the woman dressed in the same shades. Her face was invisible to both him and Emilia, who was watching this scene. She and Subaru already knew who she was. Neither of them had the best thoughts about this entity...
However, those words... Love yourself. They were the words Emilia most wanted to convey to Subaru, only to be surpassed by another. I love you.
"Do you really think I'll fall for that? Coming here, with false kindness. What is my life to you? Just like the rest, just like everyone else, you'll just forget and go on happily while I die in horrible ways. That's it in the end, isn't it? It's all your fault. What's wrong with me simply accepting the path I'll walk, whether I want to or not?"
For a moment, Emilia didn't know which side to be on. She abhorred Satella, but not as much as the line of thinking Subaru was following.
"You let Rem go! And now I'm supposed to listen to you? You said to love myself, but that's just another way of looking for me to love you, isn't it? You really think I'll love you after you altered my save point after defeating Petelgeuse? You killed Emilia in the mansion and possessed her in the Sanctuary to get revenge for me breaking the taboo, didn't you. I'm not going to listen to you, I... I know my life isn't worth anything... and I know that without your power, I wouldn't have been able to protect shit. But to me, losing someone is the same as losing them all... Do you understand?"
...
"Or do you think I can just let the rest die and go on quietly?haha yeah, for you, as long as I am alive to serve you in whatever it is you expect from me, the rest don't matter! You're selfish, but I don't have the same bullshit mentality as you."
"No..."
"You didn't? You let Rem go. She wasn't useful to you anymore? Was it because of that? Or... Was it because of me? You left her like that... Because I loved her? If not because of that, then why?"
"There was no way to save her, if I let you try...you'd be lost."
"Fuck you! I would have found a way... if I tried ten, twenty, a hundred, even a thousand times. It would be hard, but I'd do it, she didn't deserve that. It's enough that I'm the one who suffers! Isn't that enough?"
Subaru's voice began to become shrill as he unleashed his anger at the woman who was looking out for his welfare. To anyone present, it was the behavior of a child throwing a tantrum for not getting what he wanted. Unwilling to listen to reason and silencing others.
If it wasn't a tantrum, what was it, then?
"If I'm the only one suffering, it's fine by me... yes, if it's just me, it's all right, it's what I want. It's the only way for stupid Natsuki Subaru's life to be of any use! Echidna, I'll make the contract."
-That was the beginning of the real despair...
Would she ever get used to seeing him die?
Would this become as every day as a routine activity?
She had honestly lost count of the number of times Subaru had turned to RBD, and she had also lost track of time itself. Emilia's mind had entered a state of absolute denial. She didn't want to believe it, she didn't want to believe the absurdity of it all.
But that was the way things were
Subaru had taken the hand of that... that witch. Echidna had manipulated him from the first moment and had taken advantage of Subaru's pain to make him believe that this method, this philosophy of using his life as a bargaining chip, was the right method.
Emilia at this point had ceased to feel sadness, anger, fear or remorse. What dominated her being was an emotion more unspeakable, darker, more depressing and much stronger than that.
Listening countless times to the cries of pain of the person you love the most. To see him or her betrayed countless times. To see him take your life so lightly, to even use it for the most trivial and inconsequential thing.
How many times have you already seen it blown to pieces?
How many times did he see the body of his beloved being burned alive?
How many times did you see his organs come out of his open stomach?
How many times did you see him feeling so much pain that he just preferred to die the quickest way?
So much pain for an unsatisfactory result. So much sacrifice for him to repeat and look for a better way, a way in which he feels complete and has the certainty that he did it in the best way.
All so that in the end he dies and repeats the process with a bullshit mentality and completely biased to please a hero ideal.
Compared to the previous Subaru, this one was undoubtedly stuck in something much more nauseating. Subaru was merely the witch's plaything of greed, the tool of Echidna, and he accepted it with all the peace of mind in the world.
In that world of darkness, where her mind contemplated what she had lived in this reality, Emilia watched and endured it all. Emilia could feel a despair on a level she had never felt before, an absolute helplessness.
The cruelty of the world, the despicable acts of those she had considered her friends, the constant deaths of her beloved, and the hopeless helplessness she had in all the versions she had known. These factors had caused a rage, a hatred that seemed to have no end to take hold of her.
-She would never forgive her own sin against Subaru... but neither would she forgive that of others.
I should have protected him instead of doing this...
It was too late to repent, the damage was done.
They had taken away his future, his ambition and his very life... they had taken advantage of him, his goodness, his pain, his stupidity and used him as a tool.
Roswaal had deceived me...
Emilia - who now had shorter hair - looked around the room, revealing several impaled corpses. Others were disfigured, with beautiful flowers of blood sprouting from inside the bodies.
She had exploded, she had not stood it. She had acted without thinking, anger had blinded her.
For as long as she had been a Watcher, she had cursed the cruelty of the world. She had cursed the injustice and violence that people used to take out their problems on the weakest, with her Subaru.
She had seen how justice and ideals were powerless in the previous world, in the world of pride. She had rejected that, and countless times had strengthened her resolve that she would not be the same. She would save Subaru and lead him on the right path, that she would save the archbishop from pride and make him happy. That she would turn him into someone who would fight against injustice...
However, she did exactly those very acts she despised, taking it out on the people who had hurt her beloved. With her powers as the glaciation witch, she was much stronger than most faction members, them being weaker than her and Reinhard being absent...
Garfield, Frederica, Petra, Ram, Rem, Roswaal and...
"Echidna..."
Holding a completely broken necklace, Subaru whispered as his gaze seemed lost. He was on his knees, looking like a lost child who didn't know what to do...
He was in the midst of chaos, next to a knife he had dropped...
"Has the save point changed?" asked Emilia when she saw that I did not attempt suicide.
He probably already has. She thought grimly. At this point, where she had already seen him commit suicide to even predict the weather, that no longer surprised her. It still outraged her, and it still seemed like an unforgivable thing to do...but she would no longer be surprised if he did it.
Subaru, who was trembling on his knees in what seemed to be a panic attack, looked at Emilia with a blank stare. As if in disbelief of the question she had asked.
His expression turned to one of hatred.
"Are you Satella?" he asked. He stood up and began to slowly approach Emilia, his speed gradually increasing until he almost collided with her.
"Get out of his body! What do you want from me, don't play with me, damn it!"
Subaru grabbed Emilia by the shoulders, shaking her as she pleaded to return her body to the original Emilia.
The situation was even more terrible than when she had seized the other Emilia in the middle of the burning capital. Now that she had destroyed the soul of the greed witch and had broken any pact between her and Subaru. Emilia was seen as Satella herself by the latter.
Ironically, she was fine with it. For the first time in her life, she didn't care if she dressed as Satella, after seeing all the effort she put in to save Subaru from Echidna, after she conveyed to him the very words she had wanted to say to him. Being called by that name no longer bothered her in the least.
For the Emilia who had seen this reality and the previous one. The world was full of people who were worse than Satella herself, who tried to save Subaru and respected her decision in spite of everything.
Was it right to force Subaru not to take that path? Knowing how stubborn he was, that would probably have been adding fuel to the fire. So, she didn't know what else to do to stop him from taking that path.
"You're a complete knucklehead."
That was the only answer Emilia gave Subaru. Causing him to let go of her and fall back to his knees in front of her.
That was all he needed to know to come to understand that she was not Satella, but Emilia. Perhaps the shock of discovering that she knew the path he had taken was simply too much.
Subaru had lived for years, or perhaps decades - depending on how you looked at it - alongside the Emilia of this timeline. He had never managed to truly connect with her, but he had managed to recognize her mannerism no matter where.
Did he regret his decision to conspire with Echidna? Perhaps Subaru didn't even want to think about it. Maybe he knew deep down that his methods were a betrayal to Emilia, but thinking that he would never be found out, he followed that path to the end. He held on to everything and didn't let go of anything, even if those things killed him.
Perhaps he had realized how twisted he was, now that he could see all the damage he had done to Emilia just by looking at her expression.
Of course, he had agreed to be sacrificed over and over again for the people who hurt him. Sacrifice one for the good of many. Such a thought had seemed right to him, as long as that "one" was himself.
What was Natsuki Subaru worth to begin with?
Would he feel the same way if the sacrificed person was a loved one, such as Emilia or Rem?
Such hypocrisy frankly made Subaru want to laugh, he didn't even have the courage to look Emilia in the face. Nor to criticize her for her outburst. Deep down, he knew it was inevitable.
The corpses around were only allies when it was in their interest. Each and every one had been unforgivable traitors. Perhaps Petra and Frederica were exempt, but it was too late.
"What do I do now?" Subaru didn't ask that question to anyone specifically.
Perhaps it was a question he asked himself, and it simply slipped away. Or maybe he had become so weak that he is not able to make his decisions without others telling him.
Subaru did not cry over the death of anyone in the mansion... Had he become accustomed to seeing them die? Or had that unconditional love he boasted so much about simply disappeared? Naturally, within that tide of despair that he had submerged in a nauseating act of love, it was very likely that those unfounded feelings were lost.
But what was left now?
How could Emilia save a person who is not able to live by himself? A person who does not want to live by himself.
Subaru was never someone with the ability to live his own life. Emilia had seen his upbringing thanks to the first sanctuary test and saw how he had been unconsciously shaped to please others. To fulfill ambiguous and unattainable expectations. Idealizing her father into the perfect human and trying to become him.
When he came into this world, that image was simply replaced by the image of a Hero who never gives up... the hero of Rem.
But that was just another ideal. Those words she had dedicated to him were only the words Subaru unconsciously wanted to hear, an idealized, superficial and fascinating speech. Still, people don't change so easily with words alone. She had seen the true logic of the world in that test.
Rem's hero was only an ambiguous ideal. Unattainable, no matter how many times one tried. And in seeking that ideal, Subaru was denying himself. That wasn't accepting Subaru for who he is, it was denying him and imposing him to be something he can't become. Nice words that condemned him. Condemning himself to carry in solitude a burden he was not fit for. As if RBD wasn't enough...
It is an unattainable ideal that was imposed by someone else. An ideal that Subaru had tortured himself to fulfill for who knows how long. An ideal that had led him to death countless times.
"What should I do now?" repeated Subaru.
The answer was simple.
"Get up and get on with it."
She was to make the man..., no. She had to make the child in front of her understanding that point. Life is not to be wasted. Everyone should move on, living, surviving, no matter how hard it is.
"I have nothing left... What would I get up for?"
He had already accepted that he had lost everything, it was surprisingly simple. Perhaps the feeling of emptiness he got all this way around was great enough to overshadow the sense of loss that should have been caused by the annihilation of his faction.
Subaru was not sad for having let them die, he was simply empty. He expected nothing, he had no desire to live.
If he couldn't use RBD to alter what had happened, he could only move forward until he fulfilled his wishes... What exactly was his wish?
Save them? turn Emilia into a Queen? wake up Rem?
To be that Beatrice's person? To be Emilia's gentleman?
I don't think I ever really had a true desire...
He never had a real goal, everything he did was somehow a way to please others.
Natsuki Subaru had no real dreams. He loved Emilia, he wanted to have a future with her, but he had no desires of his own.
A person without desires was the same as a dead person.
"I am a disgrace. No matter what I do, I will always be weak. This way of living is all I have. If I can't live this way... What do I exist for?"
"..."
Deep down, he knew those words were nothing more than an excuse. Even if he had power, he would be stuck in the same tantrum. Even if he was just as strong as Reinhard, he didn't have the power to save them all. It's just an unattainable wish.
He was unable to accept that reality.
If he could not save anyone, he had no reason to continue to exist.
Not being able to save everyone was the same as not being able to save anyone.
Even if he had Emilia. Subaru could not visualize a future where he would be able to move forward without all the people he held dear?
No matter how many times he died, Subaru could not get rid of that weakness. A weakness that he mistakenly believed was a virtue.
"I have no reason to continue to exist..."
Tired of simply watching, Emilia pulled him up by the collar and looked him straight in the eye.
"Then I will give you a reason to live."
- She already knew what she had to do.
Subaru settled himself between Emilia's legs. He had become accustomed to the icy air that she sometimes unconsciously produced and that sometimes brought him back to reality.
Subaru left a trail of kisses between her breasts and her neck. So that Emilia had her mouth free to speak, but only let out gasps mixed between pleasure and desire.
Her nipples hardened to a painful point, but Subaru's hands had quickly soothed them. He then sucked and nibbled them lightly, while his member had begun to enter her.
Both were pleasuring each other as they so desperately needed. Both were coming together, seeking refuge in each other. Both were lost in love.
"Emilia, you're soaking wet," he said, as his penis went deeper and deeper inside her, as if seeking refuge.
The coordination between the two when copulating was almost perfect. Results of many practices.
Subaru continued to bite her nipples and stretch it, focused on pleasing Emilia rather than pleasing himself. Unlike the previous Subaru, proud and aggressive. This Subaru was very generous with sex.
Their onslaught and caresses did not cease. And so, they did it every day.
"E-Emilia, I'm coming..."
Emilia had left the royal team, deeming herself unworthy of the position. They had explained that Roswaal had been plotting to revive the witch of greed, and one of his goals was to kill Volcanica. According to Emilia's explanation, the maidservants were necessary tools for that purpose and some were aware of it. Ryuzu's copies, which were identical to the Sphinx witch, were enough evidence to lend weight to the explanation. That and the fact that he was backed by Subaru and Reinhard, two heroes who at all times affirmed that Emilia was not lying.
Strangely, Reinhard had decided that it would be best for them to stay and live in the Astrea mansion, in his care.
She was now expecting a child with Subaru. According to Echidna, the witch's factors would eventually sprout and Subaru's life expectancy would increase.
The two of them would live a long life together...
- The world begins to fade away.