Chapter 22: Leap in the Dark

Flashback

Meredith downed another tequila shot. The fiery liquid flowing down her throat felt strangely liberating. Recently every party outing ended up with her in a bar. She couldn't quite comprehend why. She fell in love with this lifestyle when she first tasted it two years ago.

A condo in Manhattan, chic parties every weekend, top designer dresses and shoes, jewelry, men falling at her feet, business trips around the world and a company limo at her beck and call… She loved it. Or at least she had. Lately the glamour lost something of its spark. Constant worrying about keeping up with fashion (it was a crime to show up in a dress from a previous collection), trying to strike a meaningful conversation with empty-headed socialites who couldn't spell hematoma, remembering the names of celebrities who ebbed and flowed every few months. It was no longer fun.

But she had to keep on playing that role, it was one of her unspoken obligations. She owed it to the company. Sometimes she didn't feel like the chief of research team any longer. She was the company's bitch. And she had to accept it. Money for trials didn't fall from the sky. And frankly, what she would rather do with her limited free time than go to party looking like a goddess? It wasn't like she had friends to hang out with. Her residency at Mount Sinai was short. She didn't make any deeper ties with her colleagues, partly due to the age gap between her and her fellow residents, partly due to her difficult character.

She was her mother's daughter when it came to medicine. She delivered perfection, she expected perfection. Nothing less. The only one that managed to penetrate past her walls was Dr. Helen Crawford, now her fellow attending, soon to be the head of neuro, at Sinai. She saw her less and less the last few months. Meredith was forced to severely cut her hospital hours; the drug trial she was leading was too time-consuming.

Meredith felt the tequila induced warmth on her face and decided it was time to call it a night. She slipped from the barstool and her sky high heel teetered, making her stumble.

"I'm sorry," she muttered apologetically feeling herself collide with a hard chest. A pair of strong hands steadied her upright and a pleasant scent of cologne tickled her nose enticingly.

"No need to be," a confident masculine voice chuckled above her ear. "I'm always happy to help a damsel in distress."

At once she pulled away from him rather gruffly. "I'm no damsel and I'm definitely not in distress," she hissed at him, straightening her dress.

"Okay then," he shrugged and turned his attention to the bar while muttering under his breath, "Cinderella."

"What did you just call me?" she snapped at him, her eyes sparkling dangerously.

Quite unexpectedly to Meredith, he didn't cower like many men in front of her would. He turned to her flashing a full smile which, as she reluctantly noticed, was quite charming in the cocky way. The rest of him was not too bad to look at either. If she wasn't cross with him, she would actually say he was hot. He was towering over her even when he was leaning against the bar. He had a strong jaw accentuated with a stylishly trimmed beard, angelic curly blonde hair and green eyes that sparked with amusement, and changed to blue when he angled his head.

He cleared his throat and repeated with a smile, "Cinderella."

"I heard the first time around," she rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. "You were supposed to stutter and say 'Nothing'!"

"I guess I tend to say things I'm not supposed to," he sighed and Meredith registered with a curious frown that his smile waned somehow. "But really, I just meant that you're standing out in here." He pointed around with his head.

Indeed, she was wearing a fashionable black dress paired with sexy high heels and her skin was glittering. She looked exactly like she had walked from the party about an hour ago whereas other clients of the downtown bar looked most casual, relaxing after work.

"You're standing out too," she pointed out, noticing that his handsome face became slightly haggard as he turned away from her facing the bar and waiting for the barman. "I don't think anyone else looks like they want to get drunk. So," she said as she sat back on her stool she had previously vacated. "What's your story?"

"I don't want to have a story tonight," he cracked a small smile, taking the barstool beside her. "I just want to be a guy in the bar."

"I can be just a girl in the bar," she grinned back raising her hand to catch the barman's attention.

Meredith eyed the file with disbelief, irritation and something that resembled disgust. Anger like she rarely felt flared in her chest.

"Unbelievable!" she shrieked at her assistant, a short-haired young woman who was now wishing to become invisible. "This is unbelievable incompetence! Did you attempt to make a fool of me and my research?"

"No, Dr. Grey, I swear, it was an honest mistake!" squeaked the woman.

"I do not tolerate mistakes on my team!" growled Meredith. "Your mistake, as you called it, might have cost me my prestige, my reputation, millions of dollars' funding! Not to mention lives or at least health of the trial's participants!"

"I'm sorry!" the assistant had tears in her eyes at this point.

A soft but well-aimed knock on the open door interrupted the scene. "Did I come at a bad time?" a tall woman with dark hair and strong accent asked with a knowing smile.

"Helen!" Meredith sighed passing a hand through her hair. "No, come in, come in. Dr. Adamson, take that report and rectify your… your mistake. And I don't even want to see a badly-placed dot this time, it must be spotless. Mark my words, there will be no more second chances."

"Yes, Dr. Grey," she nodded and cleared off as fast as she could, avoiding her eyes.

Helen shook her head at her friend with amusement. "Trying to get a harassment lawsuit?

"She fucked up, Helen," Meredith rolled her eyes. "Big time. She screwed up the drug composition list. Just before I was going to send it up. She put the composition from before the animal testing. She's-"

"Only learning still," Helen stopped her rant.

"On a lot of mistakes," snorted Meredith. She looked pointedly at the large brown envelope in her best friend's hands. "Yours?" she said, and it was more a statement than a question. "And the blood work."

Helen passed her her CT scans. "Looks like I'm all clear to attend the wedding."

A shadow of a smile crept over Meredith's lips as she studied the images. "You know I wouldn't be either if you weren't, and I'm the bride."

"I know, I know, you'd be up to your elbows in my brain," she chuckled.

"Well, it looks good or… as good as it can look. The growth of the tumor certainly hasn't sped up. That's a good thing, right?" she looked at Helen encouragingly.

"I suppose…"

"We've got another year according to my prognosis."

"Another year," Helen nodded dejectedly.

"Helen?" Meredith grabbed her friend's hand in hers, squeezing hard. Her voice was so soft and concerned one wouldn't have believed that it came out of the same person who had just ruthlessly scolded her faulty employee.

"Jake left…"

"He what?" Meredith gasped in disbelief.

"I showed him these," Helen pointed at the scans. "And seen I was in no immediate danger… he left. That's okay," she assured quickly. "He was with me out of obligation for a long time."

"Do you want me to kick his ass?" Meredith enveloped her in a warm hug.

"No, I understand him. He was tired. The tests, the nerves, the operations, weeks and weeks in the hospital bed… the recovery takes forever. He was tired and frankly… so am I."

"Don't you dare say so," Meredith's voice was firm once again. "You don't give up, Helen. We don't give up. So what if Jake left? It's his loss!"

Helen nodded with a sad smile.

"Who's ordered the CTs by the way?" Meredith eyed the corner of the image curiously as she noticed a name she didn't recognize, and she knew the entire neuro department at Sinai.

"You're behind," quipped Helen. "I told you you should go back to us. I had my new resident do the scans, recent addition to the staff. Very bright, very talented. And following in her brother's footsteps, you know which one, he's the head of neurosurgery at Pres."

"What, Crichek?" Meredith frowned absent-mindedly, hanging off her lab coat and preparing to leave her office.

"No, not Crichek," Helen rolled her eyes. "He retired about a year ago. You really need to put away the test tubes and drugs and get back to scalpel full time."

"Right now I have a deadline to meet," Meredith sighed walking with Helen out of her office. "And I have twice as much trouble thanks to my incompetent assistant. I have a copy of that disastrous report at home, need to destroy it before it creates anymore confusion. Oh, and Helen," she smiled at her innocently, "Lexie told me all about the bachelorette party-"

"Don't," Helen rolled her eyes at her. "Lexie's told you nothing. Lexie doesn't even know anything. I keep my secrets well."

"Damn! But I want a penis cake, got it? A completely cliché penis-shaped cake!" she impressed on Helen as they parted in the parking lot.

Thirty minutes later Meredith was entering her apartment, the apartment she shared with Mitch for the past six months. They were together for over a year now, practically since they met at that fateful bar. It turned out he had lost his job that day. He was a corporate lawyer and he got fired for voicing a different opinion than his boss. He bounced back though, he was now working for smaller businesses, family firms. It brought less money but it was certainly more satisfying.

Meredith was back home unexpectedly early, she could take advantage of that and surprise him with a dinner (takeout of course) and some sexy romantic setting… Her train of thoughts was stopped abruptly as she crossed the threshold. She frowned surveying the living room. Everything was the same, yet something was different. And then she got it, everything was spotlessly clean. How was that possible? When she left for work a couple of hours earlier everything was in the normal middle of the week state of mild disorder. Mitch was surely at work doing his boring lawyer stuff and he was a bit of a slob like her anyway.

She heard footsteps coming from the corridor leading to other rooms and turned her head.

"Mitch?"

END OF FLASHBACK

Derek put a damp cloth which he'd just used to cool Meredith's forehead away to a small basin on the table beside, all the time keeping her hand safely incased in one of his. It was slack in his grip, Meredith's hand. It worried him. Her grasp was always so strong, her fingers purposeful. Just like she was - energetic, full of life, independent. He hated to see her like this, feverish, trembling, unconscious. He really hoped Izzie was not mistaken and the anti-venom was working…

The last couple of hours could easily be the worst in his life. The worry, the wait, the anxiousness. It was shockingly hard, not knowing exactly if she was going to be okay. He tried not to think about it. Because every time he did, lead seemed to fill his stomach. He was probably exaggerating, he realized that. However, the concern and grisly images came unbidden into his mind.

All wind was knocked out of him when he suddenly realized that nothing would be okay if something happened to her. Possibly ever. Not looking into her green mischievous pools of eyes, not hearing her sarcastic retort or her delighted giggle, it would be the end of the world as he knew it.

That knowledge scared him. When he had cone to Rachel, he was a free man. A few weeks later he was no longer his own master. This petite snarky woman had him in the palm of her hand. This concern about her, he was sure he was going to carry it in his heart for the rest of his days.

Apart from the sudden fear, something else exploded in his chest. It was excitement. He had never experienced a surge of emotions as powerful as this. That was, in its turn, liberating. He felt he was blessed with something, he wasn't quite sure with what but he had a feeling not everyone was graced enough to experience it.

Meredith stirred in her fretful slumber once more, this time her lips moving soundlessly.

"Mer?" he kneeled by her side on the floor, his thumb grazing her forehead delicately. "Meredith, sweetie?" They never used any terms of endearment, unless you could count little Derek as one, but the situation certainly called for it.

"Mi…" a barely audible murmur tore from her lips.

"Meredith, what is it? Do you hear me?"

"Mitch…" she gasped out.

His heart stopped, it must have stopped. Terrible cold was spreading through his body quicker than a venom. Mitch… She was calling another man's name while in distress.

As if to strengthen the blow, she muttered again, her lips trembling, "Mitch… Mitch… no…"

For the first time, he felt like an intruder. Like a rejected lover. He had no rights, no claims over her. He briefly contemplated leaving. Apparently, he was not the one she wanted at her side. But then… her fingers flexed a little and closed around his. He decided to stay. That… Mitch was not here. He had hurt Meredith. He, Derek, was the only man in Meredith's life and it was going to stay that way.

"Derek, you're going to tire yourself out. Have you been crouched like this since you left Sam's?"

He heard Izzie's sigh from the doorway. He turned around disinterestedly to notice her concerned face, and another one of an elder woman, behind her shoulder.

"It's nothing," he replied rather hoarsely. "I want to make sure she's okay."

"She will be," Izzie assured him softly. "We've seen much much worse cases here, I'm telling you. You must be exhausted, Mrs. Lawson here offered to stay with Meredith when I'm working-"

"I'm staying with her," Derek interrupted her immediately.

"Dere-"

"I'm staying with her," he repeated stubbornly. "I'm in no fit state to see patients anyway. Here is where I can be of any use at the moment."

"Leave them be, Isobel," Mrs. Lawson placed a hand on her shoulder beckoning her to walk out of the room.

Derek turned all his attention back to Meredith. She now looked much more peaceful. Her breathing evened out, she stopped talking in her sleep.

FLASHBACK

Meredith felt their stares from the couch she was currently sitting at. She felt pity, worry and concern emanating from them. she didn't care much. Normally, she'd blow with anger, rage even. But right now every emotion she experienced was diffused, as though she was looking at the world through a heavy mist.

"Hey," Lexie and Helen took places on either side of her.

"I see you're eating," remarked her best friend, a tinge of sarcasm in her voice. Meredith didn't shrug as she fished another jelly from the cereal box and concentrated on the TV set on soap opera channel. "That's good."

"You know what else is good?" said Lexie. "Shower. Cleansing. You think you can get up from that couch and have a shower?"

"I'm good here, d'you think you can stop talking so I'm able to hear what they're saying?" Meredith snarled at them.

"Your ass is starting to rot on that couch!" Lexie finally exploded after weeks of tiptoeing around her. She wasn't her sister completely for nothing. "Mer, you can't go on like that! Do you even intend to go back to work, ever?"

Meredith snorted nastily. Work? It was the furthest thing on her mind. Or she wanted it to be so. In reality, she couldn't stop thinking about it and her humiliation. She despised her work and her talent. Moreover, the last months left her on the verge of physical exhaustion, she worked day and night to… to rectify her blunder, as she came to call it in her mind. And then she left the pharmaceutical company that turned out to be her funeral house, she would get violently sick if she had to go in there another day. At Mount Sinai she had an indeterminate leave of absence though it was only at Helen's doing. Meredith herself wanted to be let go altogether. Her friend reckoned that one day she would be ready to be a doctor again. But Meredith knew she wouldn't. Helen didn't have a faintest idea what she was going through. She would never go back, that was why she needed to numb herself down with stupid soap operas, to stop feeling anything at all.

"That's it!" Helen got to her feet and snatched the remote control away to turn off the TV. "This madness has to stop!"

"Hey! Give that back! I need to know if he's going to tell his wife that he slept with her daughter!"

"Meredith!" Lexie brought her hand to her mouth as though she was close to bursting in tears. "You can't waste your life like that! He's not-"

"My life is worthless anyway!" she rounded back at her.

"This is quite a blow to the ego," went on Helen. "What's with the thinking that you're a goddess?"

"I am not a goddess," Meredith laughed bitterly. "I'm a rag doll…"

"Mer, this is not like you," Helen said in a softer voice. "I know that bastard broke you but you don't throw in the towel! We don't throw in the towel!"

"I am not Meredith Grey anymore," she shook her head. "I am… no one, I wanna be no one…"

"You will never be no one," Helen murmured putting an arm around her shoulder. "And you're leaving that couch. You start to stink."

"No one forced you to sit next to me," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Well, I am going to sit next to you for six hours on the plane so please take that shower," Lexie looked at her innocently.

"What plane?" she sighed tiredly. "You know, I don't care what you cooked up. I just want to be left alone, with me and my TiVo."

"That's a shame, you're going to miss a couple of episodes while we're in Vegas," Lexie said smugly.

Meredith didn't say anything and continued to chew on her cereal.

"What, aren't you going to yell? Scream that you're not going anywhere?" asked Lexie.

"No, it's no use arguing with insane people," she shrugged disinterestedly.

"Get your ass up, you have a plane to catch," Helen rubbed her hands. "I would go with you but you know I can't leave my department at the moment. I have enough absences already, another one coming in less than a year. Remember about that?" she looked pointedly at Meredith.

"Oh, don't try to guilt talk me, there are enough fine neurosurgeons."

"I don't want fine, I want the best. And you are going to Las Vegas whether you like it or not."

"I'd like to see you try and make me," she snorted childishly. "And honestly, did you steal my credit card? You can't afford wild trips to Vegas. Did you pay for that?" she looked at Helen accusatorily. "You're more unhinged than I am, and that is saying something!"

"I would gladly cover the cost," Helen shrugged off. "But it wasn't me."

"Daddy paid for everything," smiled Lexie.

"Dad paid for out trip to the Sin City?" snorted Meredith. "Unbelievable!"

"Well, he's not as conservative as we thought," grinned Lexie. "He told me to warn you, no alcohol or boys."

Meredith slapped herself on the forehead. "Is this a freaky Friday or something? I am not going anywhere!"

"Okay first, me and Lex can take you," said Helen. "You're thinner than a flea. Second, if you choose not to cooperate… we'll call your mother."

"You wouldn't," hissed Meredith.

"Oh, you know I would. I will," laughed Helen.

"So, shower," sighed Lexie with self-satisfaction. "It's gonna be fun, Mer! I've never been to Vegas! And there's this town I found in the guidebook, Rachel, it's known for UFO sightings-"

"I hate both of you," Meredith grumbled and dragged herself to the bathroom. Once she was alone in the small room, she slid to the floor against the door. She just wanted to disappear, like she was never there.

UNDER THE NIGHT SKY

Meredith sat up on her suitcase tiredly and eyed the scene of final destruction around her, a.k.a. her loft after several hours of unpacking.

It just hit her, the full impact of what she had done. She opened one of the boxes Lexie, Helen and Molly fedexed it from New York and it turned out to be her diplomas… Premed, med school, countless prizes, achievements, Harper Averys. All her former life was condensed into that box. Her dreams, hopes, ambitions. Her effort, her toil, unshed tears of frustration, her successes and subsequent rise to fame in her field.

And she threw it all away with one signature of hers on the employment contract in Rachel's only practice. She threw it all away, as the chief of surgery at Mount Sinai pitilessly pointed out over the phone.

However, two weeks after her impulsive decision, she didn't regret it one iota. She was not throwing away her life. She was leaving behind the hurt, betrayal of trust, ruthless inhumane cruelty she was subjected to… She was breaking the chain, catching the lifeline. She was following the light at the end of the tunnel.

It was easier to exist here, she wouldn't call it living yet. But she felt like a human being again. She was treated like a human being again even if Rachel's inhabitants were still a little wary of her. They didn't trust her. But she was tough, she was just reminding herself that she was though. And William Shepherd was of immense help. He was polite, he didn't ask questions, he just made the impression that he'd listen whenever she was ready. He watched over her, she felt it. He was watching over her in a non-invasive way. No exchange of worried looks, conversations quieting down when she entered a room, no faces fearful she might throw herself from the twentieth floor onto the scorching sidewalk of New York.

She grabbed the box with determination written on her face and heaved it up on her closet and out the way. Out of sight, out of heart.

She stared at him, listless, when William passed her the scalpel.

"Take it!" he growled at her.

She obediently grabbed the handle of the blade but it seemed to burn her fingers.

"What the hell are you waiting for?" he roared as he disinfected the skin stretching over their patient's throat. "She's suffocating! What the hell are you waiting for?"

"You do it!" she pleaded with desperation in her voice pushing the scalpel into his direction. "I can't- I can't!"

"Who's the surgeon here? Do what you were born for or have that woman's life on your conscience!"

Meredith's fingers grasped around the handle as she watched the woman twitch on the bed, her air supply blocked. Just a single bee sting. Allergic reaction. Anaphylactic shock. Her throat was so swollen she couldn't breathe. Tracheotomy was the only way to save her life. Precious seconds passed as Meredith stood undecided, her hands trembling. It was nothing compared to a brain surgery but she was damn scared. She didn't cut since… she couldn't remember for how long.

The sun coming from the window glinted and skated on the blade.

Cut.

She was about to cut.

She had to.

To save that woman's life.

She felt a wave of heat flowing to her fingers, to her every nerve ending. She could do this. She was Meredith Grey. This was her nature. Cutting. Raw flesh. Blood.

Not wasting another second she sank the knife into her skin and made a smooth laceration over the woman's trachea. The bag was swiftly connected to her airways and enabling the lungs to breathe.

"Beautiful job," William praised her with a relieved smile.

"Thank you," she nodded gratefully squeezing the bag rhythmically. Her patient wasn't only one who started to breathe again. She was pumping the air into her own system. She saved a life. She cut. She didn't hate her calling anymore. But… she didn't feel the love for it either. It all came back to her, the steadiness of her hands, cool-headedness, precision… but not love for what she was doing. She was glad she managed to save a life, but how she did it, she felt emotionally indifferent towards it. It was good though, she shrugged to herself. It meant she was not going to crave being back in the OR, back in a big hospital, back doing fancy trials, when she got unbroken. If she got unbroken one day.

"You did good," William said quietly as when she joined him in the corridor.

"I did terrible by my usual standards," she rolled her eyes. "She barely avoided brain damage due to my tardiness. Thanks for shaking me up by the way."

"Ah, well," he actually looked apologetic now the emotions died down. "I wanted to apologize for it."

"Please, if I had to apologize to everyone I had lashed out at, I would still be in New York, apologizing," she smiled.

"How did it feel?" he asked quietly and she knew he was asking about the tracheotomy.

"I… normal… you know? I can live without surgery," she said letting a deep relaxed breath. "I can. I don't miss it. I am free. I can live here."

"Good," he nodded and prodded her downstairs putting a protective arm around her shoulders. "Let's go to Cristina's before she throws our dinner to the chickens."

She chuckled slightly. What a surreal thing to hear it would have been in her past life. But now it was her reality. Unexpectedly, Rachel became her home and she could finally allow herself to feel it.

END OF FLASHBACK

UNDER THE NIGHT SKY

Meredith opened her eyes, slightly disorientated. It was dark. When did it get so dark? Last things she remembered was walking away from Derek on the Sam's ranch and the pain after being bitten by the rattlesnake.

She sighed heavily rubbing her face. She felt clammy, like the sweat on her body cooled down. Her left hand felt warm though, warm and heavy. She tried to move it but it was stuck. As she tried to free it, there was a sudden stir beside her and a sleepy yelp.

"Mer?" She heard… Derek's scratchy voice.

"Derek?" she coughed out. "What are you… what are you doing here?"

"Mer, you're awake," he sighed with joyous relief, propping his forehead against hers, breathing deeply. "I was so worried…"

"I was out…" she realized slowly. "From the venom. How long?"

"Well, it's… after midnight," he said checking his watch in the light coming from the streetlamp outside. "So about… nine hours."

"Stupid snake," she grumbled and jerked suddenly, "Sam! How is he? What's his-"

"Mer, Meredith! Calm down, please," he pleaded, trying to lie her back on the bed. "And frankly… I don't know…"

"How do you not know?" she frowned in the darkness.

"I… I left that room only once the whole day, for the bathroom," he admitted.

"You… sat by my bedside the whole time?" she gasped.

"I… yeah, I did."

A moment of silence followed.

"I'm sorry," he sighed.

"For what?"

"Maybe you don't want me here…" he trailed off, trying to keep the bitterness from his voice and the image of Meredith whispering another man's name out of his head. "I'm sorry I snapped at you… back then. I had no right…"

"I'm sorry too," she admitted reluctantly. "And I... I don't mind you here. I mean, I like you being here…"

"You do? Sometimes I'm not sure…"

"Derek, I might not be so graceful about it… but I want you here," she whispered in a small voice. "Derek…"

This time warmth flew in his veins when he heard his name spoken so softly by her, erasing any reminder of Mitch. His name was most often on her lips now. When they talked, joked, laughed, when they had sex…

"Meredith, I'm so glad you're okay…" he uttered hoarsely.

"It was nothing," she shrugged off, clearing her throat. "Just a snake bite. You can go to bed now. Go to my loft, my bed is more comfortable than any of these."

"I… don't feel like going to bed. I'll stay for the night, in case you need anything."

"Not on this chair, you won't!" Meredith insisted. "There's no need, I'm fine now!"

"Okay, not on this chair," he agreed, stood up and took his shoes off. Seconds later he was climbing on the bed beside her.

"Derek, I'm… sweaty and ick," she sighed. "I didn't have my shower, I probably smell."

"I'm reminding you that I spent the whole time with you," he chuckled, pressing close to her. "We can smell together."

She giggled and allowed herself to nuzzle her head into the crook of his neck, inhaling his musky scent, the perfume of the laundry detergent, vestiges of his aftershave, a tinge of sweat. She had a thousand reasons to run, they swirled in her head and pierced her heart. But it felt too good to be in his arms right now. Too good to move. Comfortable, safe and homey. Like she never had felt before, like no man could have made her feel before. She would worry about that later, right now she just wanted to sleep in Derek's arms.

"Derek…" she sighed softly and his heart gave another flutter. "Thank you…"

"No, thank you, Meredith," he whispered into her hair when he felt her breath deepen as sleep claimed her back.