Dear Maximus,
You asked for it. Here it is. Another handwritten letter fresh off the desk of the illustrious Captain Price. Feel honoured by this missive, for I, the terror known across the Seven Seas, would only bring myself down to this archaic form of communication for your sake. I expect my due compensation, or I'll be coming for your booty!
Haha I kid I kid. Except for the part about your booty, I'm still coming for that.
But yes, letters. I suppose this makes us pen pals as well as bestest friends now. What exactly does one write to their pen pal when they also talk on the phone a lot? Probably all the stuff we can't talk about over the phone (Read: all the stuff we don't want our parents to hear). You know what that means, hehehehe…
[A large, crude doodle of a penis follows.]
Oh yeah, by the way, don't open these in front of your parents. Or leave them laying around for your parents to find. If you already did that, then — shit. Uh, hi Ryan, hi Vanessa! I'm totally not corrupting your daughter through the mail, I promise. Nothing but G-Rated convos to be found here. Please disregard the above coffee stain suspiciously shaped like an inappropriate body part.
Anyway, Max, if you're still reading this and haven't been banned from ever speaking to me again, there is other stuff I wanted to say that I probably won't during however long it takes for this to get to you. I suppose that's another advantage of letters over the phone. There's some things that are… really hard to say out loud. Partly because I don't wanna get sappy in front of Joyce, but also just cause like… I don't know emotions are hard and shit. You get what I mean.
That call with you today (As in, the first call, which was today at time of writing) was probably the best thing that's happened to me in months. Hearing your voice again was hella awesome. I think I nearly started crying. I know we talked for hours but it seriously didn't feel like anywhere near long enough. Already I'm looking forward to tomorrow, because I know I'll get to talk to you again.
I know you're beating yourself up about those six months again, and I'll tell you again that I forgive you. Seriously. I'm just happy to have you back again. I do really wish you could be here, but this will have to do until we can see each other again. It's already so much better than nothing.
And in a weird way, those six months really drove home just how important you are to me, you know? It's like, human nature I guess, to not really appreciate what you have until you lose it. I took all our adventures for granted because I thought they'd never end. Not going to be doing that anymore for sure. Going to cherish every bit of contact we have until we can get together again.
Then we'll go out and make new adventures! Maybe by then we'll have cars, and we can drive somewhere away from Arcadia Bay or Seattle. We could go on a cross country road trip! There'd be so much interesting stuff we could go see for you to photograph. Maybe we can even pick up a cute hipster boy for you or something, haha.
Speaking of, I didn't want to ask this over the phone in case your parents were listening (you'd be too chickenshit to say anything in front of them) but I want the scoop on your prospects in Seattle! Any cuties you've got your eye on? Tell me all about them. Well, okay, maybe not ALL about them. If you start gushing too much I might get jealous. I still reserve first dibs on that booty!
Anyway, I know this is shorter than my first epic rant but I think I need to call it a night. Joyce will probably kill me if she catches me still up. Besides, I need the sleep for class tomorrow… Yeah, I'm actually going to be on time for once. Damn you Caulfield. Already you're being a positive influence on me again. Why can't you just let me ruin my life in peace?
Good night Maximillian. Looking forward to your call tomorrow, and to your reply to this!
Your swashbuckling superior,
Captain Chloe Price
P.S. Send more selfies I miss your dorky face
P.P.S. I drew you my dick answer me
Dear Captain Chloe,
It is indeed my highest honor to receive a missive penned by the hand of one as illustrious as yourself. Your name has long struck fear in the hearts of even the most hardened sailors on the high seas. As compensation for your generosity, I hope that you'll permit me to rejoin your crew as your most trustworthy First Mate.
Though, I regret to inform you that even after seven months, I still possess no booty to speak of. Check back in a few more years.
Also: yes, we are officially pen pals now. And while yes, that does mean we get to talk about all the stuff we don't want our parents to hear, god damn it Chloe I DID open that while my parents were in the room! They didn't see your attempt at art, but if they had they might actually start confiscating your letters. I'd ask you to not, but I already know how that would go. Maybe just, make it a bit smaller next time? It'd be nice if I could actually read your letters wherever I want and not just in the safety of my room.
Alright fine, it did make me laugh. And blush a lot. But still.
Anyway, I know we've talked a bunch since you wrote the letter I'm replying to (huzzah for snail mail) but I also wanted to express how much that first call meant to me. Talking to you every day has been such a blessing. I completely get what you mean about taking the old times for granted. This isn't the same as that — I'd still much rather be there with you — but this is so much better than not having each other at all.
And as people like to say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. When I actually do get to see you in person again, you are getting the biggest hug ever. Joyce will need a crowbar to pry us apart.
I know we talked about it some on the phone already since you first wrote it, but since this is a direct reply to that I feel compelled to bring it up again: I am all aboard on the idea of a cross country road trip with you! There are so many amazing places we could go, and you're damn right I'd love to photograph all of it. I could do that myself, but it wouldn't be nearly as fun without my captain. A lot of monuments and natural wonders would be improved by having you in the frame with them. Gonna have to give a hard veto to the boy idea though.
I'm astounded you even have to ask about boys. You know me, do I seem like the type that can go out and get a boyfriend? I can barely even make regular friends. There's a couple people in my class that are nice enough to me - Kristen and Fernando are their names - but the dating front is still completely barren. Believe me, if anything changes (it won't) you'll be the first (and probably only) to know.
Also, I really don't expect every letter to be as long as the first epic rants were. Some weeks we might just not have anything interesting to talk about that we can't talk about on the phone. Sometimes we're strapped for time or mental energy. I'm happy with literally anything I get from you. If you really want we could just swap postcards for a few weeks, just as long as we get to exchange actual letters again at some point.
On that note: thank you for agreeing to keep this up. I know I know, writing by hand is so old fashioned and barbaric and only a complete hipster like me would ever ask such a thing, but I truly do appreciate it. Every single way I get to talk to you is precious to me. I really like having your handwriting with me, being able to reread it as often as I want, especially when we can't call for whatever reason. It's like being sent small pieces of you in the mail.
That… sounded a lot less serial-killery in my head. Please don't send actual pieces of yourself. I have no idea how I'd explain that to the police.
Oh! By the way, you'll never guess what I found in one of my moving boxes! (Yes, I'm still unpacking seven months later, it was a hard time, bite me). My old eye patch and hat that we made, along with a bunch of our other stuff! I think I avoided unpacking that stuff on purpose, while I was still trying to avoid things like a jackass (I know I know, you forgave me, but I still feel guilty.) Now I'm going to make sure it's all well taken care of.
Anyway, I included a selfie with some of the stuff, as requested! I know you're not one for photos, but you ought to send me something in return for it… Like, perhaps, one of your drawings that isn't phallic? I really wish I had your talent for drawing, and I'd love some of your work to hang in my room! At least, some of your SFW work.
I suppose I'd better get to my homework now. Trigonometry, yay… Hope that whatever you're currently doing is more fun than this! Counting down the minutes until I hear from you again.
Your loyal First Mate,
Max
P.S. Unsolicited dick pics aren't the way to a woman's heart
Dear First Mate Max,
I be glad to have ye aboard once again ye scurvy dog! The pirates of Arrrrrrcadia sail once more! Together we shall ravage these seas as no duo ever has before! But first, ye must tend to yer captain's ship! Swab the poop deck!
And fear not your lack of booty, for it is the woman who makes the booty, and not the other way 'round. Therefore, yours is still on my "To Plunder" checklist, just ahead of Joyce's bacon.
I'm disappointed to hear that you don't appreciate my talent for biology. Really, aren't best friends supposed to encourage each other? But then again, when I think back on it, that sketch was rather crude wasn't it? How silly of me. Of course your delicate sensibilities would be offended by such a thing. Here, let me make it right…
[A small but very detailed sketch of a penis is drawn in the right margin.]
Much better. I even made it smaller, since you apparently can't handle them big. Don't worry, no judgement. Your secrets are safe with me sista.
On a more serious note (not that the above isn't very serious), holy shit that selfie! I'd forgotten how adorkable you look in those pirate getups. Long Max Silver walks a very delicate line between cute and badass. That photo is going up on the nightstand next to my bed, FYI. I think I'll sleep much better with that fierce cutie watching over me.
Don't even get me started on the rest of the stuff! Did you really keep all of those old comic books we made? I mean, I still have all of mine, but I'd always figured I was the weird one for hanging onto them. I keep expecting Joyce to do a spring cleaning of my shit and throw them all out. Don't worry, I won't let that happen. They'll be worth some serious cash once you become a world famous photographer!
As for your payment request for selfies… Harumph. Fiiiiiiiine. I guess I can draw you something that's not phallic… But if I do I demand photo proof that you hung it up somewhere! My art deserves to be prominently on display where the whole world can see it. Including the phalluses, but baby steps. We'll get you warmed up to them eventually.
Speaking of phalluses: god damn it don't you dare try to tell me that Max Caulfield couldn't land herself a fine boyfriend without even trying. If you came out from behind your camera every once in a while, you might see them all scrambling over each other for your attention. No one can resist hipster freckles. Not that any of them are good enough for you, but you may as well weigh your options.
Tell me more about this Fernando guy. Is he cute? Probably not as cute as me. How's his taste in music? Probably shittier than mine. Then again, everyone's is. Except yours. Yours has its own unique, dorky charm.
On second thought, maybe don't tell me about him. I get protective. No, wait, yes, do tell me. Anyone dating you has to get the Chloe Price seal of approval. Currently only one person has it (hint: it's me) and it's a harsh process. Only the best for my Maxipad!
And on the subject of guys: ugh, I have to rant about this for a minute. Mom's been awfully chatty lately with this random dude she met one day at the diner. I didn't bother to learn his name but dear lord he just seems like such a tool. He's got this big derpy mustache and a fucking brush cut. I talked to him once and I already don't like him. He tried to ORDER me to grab him his coffee from mom! Who the fuck does that? Pretty sure he's ex-military or something, only they walk like they have a stick THAT big up their ass.
I'm pretty sure it hasn't turned into anything yet (at least I fucking hope not) but it still really pisses me off. I mean, dad practically JUST fucking died, it hasn't even been a year, and already she's grabbing for any old tool that sweet talks her at the diner? I get that she's having a really hard time, but come the fuck on! There's better ways to cope.
Granted, I guess I don't really make it easy for her. I've been better about going to class since we started talking again, but my grades are still slipping and I haven't exactly been very patient with her at home. I snap at her a lot, I complain when she asks me to do something. Even bought a bit of weed just to spite her. This guy Justin got me a hookup. It actually does help calm me down a bit. It's really nice to just kinda… let everything drift away for a little while.
I can already hear your scolding about gateway drugs and whatnot. You always did hold me back from the stupidest of my ideas. As much as talking to you again is helping, school still sucks and I still spend a lot of time thinking about dad. Sadly I can't talk to you all the time (you'd probably get sick of me anyway) and I need something to take the edge off. But please don't worry too much okay? It's just a bit of weed, and I, Chloe Elizabeth Price, solemnly swear to you that I'll never try anything harder than that. I swear it on me peg leg and captain's hat.
Welp, that's enough heavy shit for one letter. I should really get to work on that drawing for you. I'm sure you'll love it! Can't wait to talk to you later.
Your nautical navigator,
Captain Chloe Elizabeth Price II
P.S. What about unsolicited boob pics instead
Dear Chloe,
How did I know there would be another drawing like that? How on earth could I have guessed? It's a mystery to everyone. Very mysterious. Perhaps I can tell the future. Here, let me try now: I predict that the next time I see you, I'm going to smack you. Only time may tell if this prophecy comes to pass, but I have a very good feeling about it.
What I have a much worse feeling about is literally ANYTHING to do with boys. You should know this even better than I do, you saw what happened in third grade. And damn it, Fernando is just a FRIEND. I mean, I guess he's a little cute, but there's zero chemistry there, I promise. I'd have an easier time dating Kristen than him.
In actually realistic news on that front: I guess Kristen and Fernando and I are friends now? They sat with me at lunch the other day. They asked about my hometown, and I honestly thought I'd scare them off with how much I talked about you, but somehow I didn't. We're all going to a pizza place after school tomorrow.
I'd tell you all about them, but I still know so little about them. I've been a bit more outgoing since we started talking again, but I still find it hard to ask people personal questions. Baby steps, I suppose. How long did it take for you and I to really connect with each other when we met?
Oh, right. Like a single afternoon. Nothing like that up here, so absolutely no reason to get jealous or think I'm gonna replace you. Yes, I know that's where your mind was going. Let me assure you, Chloe Price, you are quite irreplaceable.
Which is why even though you practically baited me into nagging you, I'm still going to do it anyway. I really don't mind weed (Fernando does it, it seems fine if you keep it reasonable) but please please PLEASE be careful with it. Especially with getting it, I know dealers can be super sketchy. And even more especially with getting caught. I don't want to address these letters to a prison or something. I can't and won't try to dictate how you live, but I do very much prefer that you continue living, so I'll hold you to your promise of no harder drugs.
As far as the Joyce-guy thing goes… I'm not really sure what to say. That really does suck. William was amazing, and practically anyone else is gonna be a downgrade. It does seem really soon to me too, but… Maybe this is what she needs to move on? You know, with an actually decent guy at least. Is there a chance your first impression of him could've been bad? The whole ORDER thing is super sketch, but maybe he just came back from deployment and is still getting adjusted or something?
Sorry, I don't mean to downplay how shitty this is for you. Your feelings about it are completely valid, and I hear you. I'm just trying to play the optimist here, for better or worse. Maybe you're completely right and the dude is a raging asshole. You might know for sure as I write this, or by the time it gets to you (super speedy snail mail). If that does turn out to be the case, I retract all my previous statements. If it does seem like it will become a problem, maybe you could try talking to Joyce about it? I know that wouldn't be fun, but any relationship of hers will involve you, so you need to speak your mind.
Oh, look at me, telling Chloe Price to speak her mind. May as well tell the sun to keep shining. What do you even need me for?
On a happier note: HOLY SHIT CHLOE! This sketch is amazeballs! Like… wowsers! I love all the detailing in the wings and the body, and the shading is so vibrant. Seriously, this has to be the best butterfly drawing I've ever seen. At first glance it looks like it could be a photograph. This is hanging right above my desk, so it can inspire me while I work.
Seriously Chloe, you have crazy talent. I know things have been really shitty for you lately, and I completely get your grades slipping. That's okay. You're healing. It might take a long while, but you'll be okay again, and when you are, you'll do amazing things. People tend to have talent for either the arts or the sciences, but rarely do they have both! You can go anywhere you want to go.
And I'm really excited to come along for the ride. I'll love being the one to take your photo for the cover of some science or art magazine. Or maybe both, if you're feeling ambitious!
In a way though, this drawing does make me a little sad. It reminds me of the days we spent drawing all those comic books together (Of course I kept all of them!). If you flip back through them you can really tell which parts I drew by how much crappier they are. But then again, I suppose that's part of the charm, the two of us working together to make something! I'll be sure to work on my drawing though, so that next time we see each other we can make a new comic without such an obvious gap in quality.
And speaking of that, we should really see if we can find a time soon for one of us to visit the other! I know you'd like to get out of Arcadia for a while, but I'd also love to see it again. I didn't realize how much I'd miss the small town charm until I lived in a big city. So, whichever way we go, it'll be fun! I'm going to try talking to my parents about it tomorrow (They're asleep right now, I'm staying up past curfew to write you, what the hell are you doing to me). You should talk to Joyce and see what she says!
Hmm. Why I am writing to you about this? We can talk about this on the phone. I'm not willing to wait for snail mail to get a response on being able to see you again. Eh, fuck it. I still write these in pen, so it stays. Guess it becomes part of the official Max and Chloe Chronicles. One day all these letters will be in the books written about us. So, bear that in mind before you draw more penises.
Oh who am I kidding. That'll just encourage you more.
I should really get to bed now, I have a test tomorrow (Only for you would I stay up late on a test night!) Hope your day tomorrow isn't quite as shitty.
Your adorkable shipmate,
Max
P.S. No unsolicited any body part dang it
P.P.S Good to see you earned your own seal of approval, when's our first date
P.P.P.S. I expect another drawing in return for this selfie
P.P.P.P.S. Okay dang it actually sleeping now
P.P.P.P.P.S. You're adorkable too and I could never get sick of you