A/N: Written for HP Trans Fest 2022. Somewhat dark with some transphobia. Thanks to lumeleo for the beta read and TheSlytherinGurl for the sensitivity read!
Prompt: "Why did they pick the names they did in relation to their family and its tradition? (Narcissa staying in the family but breaking tradition, Sirius running away but picking a name that fit)"
Likes: Complicated dynamics, hurt/comfort, mutual anger and frustration and each others' choices, great mutual respect throughout that though
xx
On the other side of the mirror, eleven-year-old Sirius looks—there's no other word for it—radiant. There's a rosy blush in his cheeks; his eyes are glowing warmly; he's running a hand through his long hair and talking fast. "You should've been there," he tells her, his eyes glowing. "They called me their son. Their son, Cass. Regulus even said that now he gets to have the brother he always wanted. Mum slipped up and used my deadname a couple of times, but Dad called her out the first time—I mean, he was nice about it, but he pointed it out—and she caught herself the second time, and she apologized. She said she wants to respect me for who I really am—that she doesn't want me to feel stuck as a girl any more than I already do."
"That's great. I'm happy for you—really. So—they're going to let you transition?"
"Yeah," says Sirius, puffing out his chest. "They didn't know anything about how any of the spells or potions work, but they said they'd look into it for me so that I can transition before I start at Hogwarts."
"Sirius, I'm so happy for you. That's wonderful news."
"I know. But—are you? I mean—you don't sound happy. Did it not go well with your family?" He worries his lower lip with his teeth.
"It, um…" She hesitates.
"Oh. That's—oh. I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"
She shrugs. "There's not much to say, really. Bella was cool about it, but Mum and Dad… Dad just kept saying he doesn't want his only son to die, as if I don't exist anymore if I come out—as if he can stop me from being a girl if he keeps me in the closet. Even Andy said, er…"
"Andy? Andy gave you crap about it?"
"She just—" It costs her something to admit what she's about to admit to Sirius. "She thinks it's just a phase. She thinks, if I were really trans—if I were really a girl—then I wouldn't like my short hair or Quidditch, and I wouldn't be so good at Arithmancy, and I wouldn't be so aggressive or competitive, and I—"
"Wait, wait, wait. Just—hold on a second. Andy said those things? Andy? That's bullshit, anyway. Since when can't girls like Quidditch or have short hair? And anyway, Bella is the most aggressive and competitive person any of us knows, and you don't see Andy accusing her of not being a real girl."
"I know. I know it's bullshit. I just…"
Sirius presses his lips together. "I wish I were on the other side of this mirror so I could give you a hug. I'm just really, really sorry, Cass."
"Thanks," she says. "And, uh—can you not call me that anymore? I think I want to pick a different name."
"I—yeah, of course. Whatever you pick for your name is your name. I mean it. But—why not Cassiopeia? I thought you liked it, you know, because of Aunt Cass."
"I did. I mean, I do. I just… after the way they reacted, it makes me—not want to do anything that's going to tie me up in this family even more. If they're not going to accept me, then I want to be my own person."
Sirius looks confused, hurt. "But—I'm your family, too, and so is Regulus. Just because your mum and dad and Andy are being arseholes to you about it doesn't mean you don't belong as a Black anymore."
She shrugs. "I was thinking I'd go with Narcissa instead," she says.
"Narcissa? Like—like how Bella always teases you by calling you her little Narcissus?"
"Yeah. If Bella's going to be the one person in my immediate family who respects who I am, I may as well pay tribute to her instead of the rest of the Blacks."
"Okay. It's just—we picked our names together. I thought you… I thought we…"
Narcissa tamps down the guilt that immediately starts to surge through her. "I'm sorry, Sirius. I didn't realize you… I didn't think it would matter to you."
"It doesn't matter," says Sirius quickly. "It's fine. Narcissa it is."
But Narcissa doesn't think it is fine. Narcissa doesn't think any of this is fine.
xx
She doesn't tell anyone else, but by the time Easter break is over, the entire school seems to have found out that Narcissa has come out to her family as transgender. On the Hogwarts Express, the only people (other than Andromeda, anyway) who don't use her chosen name are the ones who already always call her by her surname. Head Girl Dorcas Meadowes even pulls her aside and asks if Narcissa would like her to speak to Slughorn about moving Narcissa into the girls' dormitory this trimester.
Narcissa had been so focused on her family's reaction—the anxious buildup to telling them and, subsequently, their reactions—that she hadn't even considered the possibility of coming out to the Hogwarts faculty. She's never really gotten on with Meadowes—they're both Slytherins, but Meadowes is the biggest blood traitor since Arthur Weasley—but Meadowes asks so politely and respectfully that you'd think the two of them were friends, almost. "Can I take some time to consider it?" says Narcissa. "I haven't really… I don't know if I'm ready for… that… yet."
"Of course," says Meadowes with a crisp nod. "Take all the time you need. For what it's worth—I know it's none of my business, but if you want someone to speak to the fifth year Slytherin girls about it, that's something we could arrange. I just want you to feel safe and comfortable in your own skin."
"Meadowes, why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?"
"Accepting me."
Meadowes hides her smile behind her hand. "Black, your morals horrify me, but that wouldn't make it okay to treat you like a boy if you say you're not a boy. If I'm going to preach about tolerance, that doesn't just mean Muggle-borns and blood traitors—it also means people like you. I don't believe in picking and choosing."
And Narcissa sort of wants to fight her on that last point. After all, nobody trans ever tried to stomp out a minority the way Muggles trampled all over wizards before the implementation of the Statute of Secrecy. Just then, however, she catches a glimpse of Andromeda passing outside the compartment; their eyes lock, and Narcissa loses her train of thought.
xx
The instant Theodore Selwyn cracks a joke that night about Narcissa being lucky for getting to ogle naked girls if and when she switches dormitories, Lucius Malfoy gets him in a chokehold so fast that Narcissa gets whiplash. "She's not some kind of predator, you absolute oaf, and people like you making comments like that are the exact reason why the lives of people like her are harder than they need to be. She's not doing this to prey on other girls—she's doing this because she's one of them. Get your shit together before I curse you into next Tuesday. Do you hear me?" Theo nods, but it's not enough to satisfy Lucius, who roars again, "Do you hear me?"
"I hear you, I hear you! Merlin's buttocks, Luce, can you put me down already?"
Lucius puts him down. "Let's get out of here, Narcissa," he says coldly without taking his eyes off of Theo. "Give this fucker some time to shape up and get his head on straight."
Out of the dormitory, Narcissa has no idea what to say to him, but Lucius takes care of that problem for her by immediately launching into a rant about what he calls "transphobes with their fat, misogynistic heads up their arses." It's a solid three minutes before he even pauses for breath. "Are you all right?" he finally asks. They're still wandering the corridors aimlessly; Narcissa feels like she can barely breathe. "And I don't just mean because of what Theo pulled back there. I mean all of it. I heard most of your family wasn't very, um…"
"Speaking of which, how did the whole school find out in a matter of days when none of us was even in the castle at the time?"
"You didn't know?" says Lucius, taken aback. "Your sisters got into a kind of—letter war. Bellatrix found out that Andromeda had sent some disparaging letters to her friends about it and decided to present her own side to the story—your side, I suppose. It was all over within three days."
"But—Bellatrix graduated two years ago."
He shrugs. "So? Didn't stop her from making sure people told other people who told yet others. The letter I received informed me in no uncertain terms what Bellatrix would personally do to me if I were an arse to you about it."
So that's why people have embraced her? Because they're afraid of how Bellatrix will retaliate if they don't and she finds out? Lucius seems to realize his mistake, though, because he adds quickly, "It's okay, Narcissa. It's not like everyone is just pretending for your benefit. Most people who have asked me about you seem to just—want to understand. Is it okay if I call you Narcissa, by the way? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but—"
"Yes," she says, holding back a laugh. "Yes, absolutely, you can call me Narcissa."
"Good. Great. It's a good name. Kind of—reclaims the whole idea of you having a reputation with the Mudbloods as being too narcissistic."
"That's part of why I picked it," Narcissa admits. "That, and because it reminds me of Bella."
"I still don't understand what you see in her," Lucius admits, "but if you're happy with it, then I'm happy for you."
"Thanks. I—thank you for all this. After my family, I think the person's reaction I was most afraid of… I just appreciate your support, that's all."
"Hey." He stops walking and grips her tightly by the shoulders. "I never want you to feel afraid of what I'm going to think of you. 'Best friend' isn't enough to cover what you mean to me. I'll always be here for you, all right? Promise."
xx
The only problem is that just because Narcissa's taken a name that isn't the name of a star, galaxy, or constellation doesn't mean she's free of her deeply ingrained need to satisfy her family. Narcissa doesn't think she's ever going to be free.
The first time after Easter break that she gets a letter from Mum, she nearly cries. Sure, Mum still addresses it to Narcissa's deadname, but at least she's writing—at least she hasn't abandoned her altogether. Narcissa skips Charms so she can write a return note in the Owlery, taking pains to use her best penmanship and steering entirely clear of any discussion about her transition here at Hogwarts or the move she made to the girls' dormitory two weeks into the trimester.
She's glad she has Sirius: his support has made the whole experience a lot less lonely. It's not like she's not grateful that people at Hogwarts are finally seeing her for who she is, but it's emotional moving up to the girls' dormitory, not just because it's validating but also because it's kind of—lonely. Sure, Raleigh and Arya and Saoirse and Hannah are perfectly accepting of Narcissa, but they've lived together without Narcissa for the last nearly five years: they feel a little impenetrable, like she's joined them too late to ever make enough of an impression to really become one of them. Besides, she misses living with Lucius; it feels weird not to have him to talk to every night as they're trying and failing to fall asleep at a reasonable hour.
But she's still got her two-way mirror, and Sirius is there every night to listen to her insecurities and offer his support. "I can't wait until you get to Hogwarts in September," she tells him one night in a rare moment of privacy when the other girls have already headed down to dinner. "I just wish you had come here sooner so that we could have had more years of overlap."
"Yeah, but it's still going to be great," Sirius assures her, stretching. "We'll make the most of our two years together, and after you graduate, we'll still have these mirrors. I can't even imagine going a single day for the rest of our lives without us talking."
But as it turns out, Sirius has spoken way too soon—because on the night of September first, the Sorting Hat has barely touched his head before it declares him a Gryffindor.
The feast seems to last forever before she's finally able to fight through the crowd over to him when everybody is headed up to their common room. "Sirius, what the hell happened? I thought you wanted to be a Slytherin. I thought—"
"I did want to be a Slytherin," he mutters wildly, scratching the back of his head. "I wanted to do it with you. I don't know why it happened like this, Cissy."
Narcissa supposes he looks a lot more boyish now that Aunt Walburga and Uncle Orion have set him up with the potions he needed to transition. The planes of his face are more angular than they used to be; his fat and muscle mass have redistributed themselves; the small breasts that were starting to grow in are gone. It's not like she's really ever thought of him as a girl since he first came out to her three years ago, but he seems a lot more comfortable in his body these days, which is a great thing.
She just wishes she could feel as secure in herself as Sirius does. She wishes desperately that she could take the same potions Sirius does without provoking a massive fight between herself and her parents, but that's never going to happen. She still hasn't figured out which would be worse: spending the rest of her life trapped in this body or spending it being rejected by Mum, Dad, and Andromeda.
For her part, Andromeda is there beside them before Narcissa can get another word out. "Sirius, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your parents are going to flip, aren't they?"
Narcissa pushes down the usual surge of resentment she feels at Andromeda using Sirius's chosen name when she refuses to use Narcissa's. Just because Sirius ticks all the boxes for masculinity doesn't make him more of a boy than Narcissa is a girl—but she gave up a long time ago thinking she could ever convince Andromeda of that.
"It's going to be okay," Narcissa assures him. "There are a Pettigrew and an Abbott in your year with you. Stick with them; they come from good families."
"Yeah," says Sirius, nodding fervently. "Peter Pettigrew is going to be in the same dormitory as I am, and so are Remus Lupin and James Potter. None of them are Mudbloods, so I think I'm—"
"Be careful with Potter," Narcissa recommends. "Some of the Potters are okay—Aunt Dorea was a Potter before she married Uncle Charlus—but others are almost as bad of blood traitors as the Weasleys."
"But—James didn't seem untrustworthy," says Sirius, chewing on his lip. "He seemed normal. I liked him."
"It's fine," says Andromeda, looking sidelong at Narcissa. "It's going to be all right. Not everything is about blood and Slytherin, you know."
"You're a Slytherin," snaps Narcissa.
"Yeah, and I'm also a human being, just like all the 'Mudbloods' in this school."
"Okay, clearly you spent too much time hanging around Dorcas Meadowes last year," sighs Narcissa. "Sirius, listen to me—stick to your beliefs, and call me on the mirror every night, okay? We can spend time together in the evenings before curfew—weekends—"
"I don't want to go in there," he whispers. "To Gryffindor. I want to be with you."
They lock eyes for a second, and Narcissa gives him a quick, impulsive hug. "Hang in there. Call me when you get up to your dormitory, all right?"
"All right," Sirius agrees. "I'd better go—I need to find a prefect before I get locked out of the common room without knowing the password."
"Go," she says urgently. "Call me on the mirror when you get settled in, okay?"
When Sirius goes, Narcissa and Andromeda are left standing together awkwardly. There are a million words on Narcissa's lips, but the ones that make it out are these: "Why are you doing this? Why him and not me?"
She's not expecting Andromeda's face to crumple, but it does. "I'm not trying to be an arse," she whispers. "I'm not. But—Sirius isn't my brother."
"Yeah," Narcissa spits, "well, now, neither am I. I never was."
Though she looks stunned by this, Andromeda doesn't argue. "I know it was a flimsy excuse I gave in front of Mum and Dad, but please try to understand. You don't know what kind of pressure I'm under. They already think I'm a blood traitor, and if they think I'm a liberal, too—"
"You are a blood traitor," she points out, "and if it were all about Mum and Dad, you should at least be able to call me by my name when we're here. You should at least not be running around telling people I'm not a real girl."
"You don't realize. You don't know," Andromeda breathes. "Wizarding Britain is a small community. Word gets around. It's one thing with Sirius—he came out early enough that nobody around here knows he was assigned female at birth, and if I cover for him, Mum and Dad will just think I'm rescuing this family's reputation. But you—you came out publicly. If word gets around that I support you when I can barely keep hidden my rela—"
She claps a hand over her mouth, but Narcissa's frustration far outweighs her curiosity. "You think your life is so hard because you love Mudbloods? Try being transgender. Try needing Bellatrix Lestrange to threaten people in order for them not to humiliate you every time you walk into a room."
"Narcissa—"
It's the first time she's ever heard Andromeda call her by her real name, but she won't hate herself for the way she reacts to it until later. "You can apologize when you're ready to call me that in front of other people. In the meantime, don't talk to me."
"Narcissa!"
But Narcissa doesn't stick around to hear anything more that Andromeda has to say, shoving past the last stragglers in the Great Hall and heading for the dungeons. She stays up late waiting, even keeping the mirror next to her pillow when she finally lies down to sleep, but Sirius never calls. At first, she thinks it's because something awful has happened—but the next morning at breakfast, she immediately spies him at the Gryffindor table laughing loudly at something that Mudblood Macdonald girl is telling him and his roommates, and Narcissa flares up with something like bitter resentment.
He doesn't see her, and it's just as well. She turns toward the Slytherin table, finds Lucius, and lets him talk her ear off without saying a word of reply all morning.
xx
She can take Sirius ignoring her, even if it punches a hole in her heart, and she can even take seeing Sirius consorting all over the castle with Mudbloods and Gryffindors. What she can't take, however, is running into Sirius as he's on a walk with Andromeda—the sister who rejected Narcissa's identity—a week later.
She doesn't give two shits that it's rude—she abandons Lucius, grabs Sirius by the elbow, and drags him bodily into the first empty classroom they pass. "Narcissa—"
"Andromeda, Sirius? Andromeda?"
"She's not so bad," says Sirius weakly. "I just—I wanted to talk to her about Mary, okay? Because she's a Mudbl—I mean, a Muggle-born—and Andromeda talks to Muggle-borns, too, and I just thought—"
"Andy has it all backwards," she hisses. "Mary Macdonald is not your friend, and neither is Andy. She—she—"
"I'm sorry she doesn't respect you for who you are," he mutters, looking down. "I really am. It's not right, and—and I told her it's not. I want her to come around. But—I need her right now, Cissy. Without Andy, I'm all alone in there without anybody to ground me."
"And you couldn't come to me? I would have thought that the least you would do is confide in me—take my advice over hers."
"Yeah, but you…"
"But I what?" He doesn't answer. "But I what, Sirius?"
"You're—prejudiced," Sirius says in that same low voice.
"If you want to talk about prejudice—"
"She's not like that, okay? She hasn't got a problem with trans people. She's okay with me being—me."
Narcissa snaps, "Oh, yeah? What about me? What about her sister who needed her whom she turned away? Without Bella in the house anymore, do you have any idea what last summer was like for me?"
"I—"
But Narcissa doesn't want to hear it. "You are so bloody lucky that your parents and brother accepted you without question, and here you are, throwing away everything they ever taught you as if you don't even want that validation. You can be who you are and still get love, and you're throwing it away, and for what? So you can be popular with Gryffindors and Mudbloods? Since when will any of them be loyal to you the way our family would—the way I would—if you would just let us?"
"You're wrong," says Sirius. He's still talking too quietly, and his voice is trembling. "I was wrong when I picked my name, Cissy. I should have followed your lead the one time in your life you rebelled, and if you can't see that—if you're too caught up in it to realize—"
Her hands fly into her bag and rip out Sirius's mirror before she registers what she's doing. "You'll be needing this back, I expect," she snarls, thrusting it at him. "Maybe you can give it to Andy or James Potter or Mary bloody Macdonald so one of them can be your best friend instead."
"Narcissa, come on, don't be like—"
He's still protesting when the door snaps shut behind her.
xx
She should have just gone with Cassiopeia. If she'd called herself Cassiopeia, maybe Mum and Dad and Andromeda would have realized how badly Narcissa still wants to be one of them—that her choosing a name outside the Black tradition was something she did in a moment of petty, weak anger and not a reflection of what she wants (or doesn't want) from them. If she'd called herself Cassiopeia, maybe she wouldn't have hurt Sirius's feelings to the point that he bloody picked her intolerant arse of a sister over her.
But she's picked her poison, and now she's got to drink it. At least Bella still accepts her—at least Lucius does. "Bellatrix and I—we've got you, and so does Regulus," Lucius promises her one night when she's up in the boys' dormitory with him, not to sleep or to live but just to grab a moment alone. "You don't need a filthy blood traitor like Sirius anyway."
But Narcissa isn't so sure of that. She thinks about what Meadowes said to her that first day on the train about how you've got to accept Mudbloods and blood traitors, too, if you're going to get on a soapbox about tolerance—and she wonders whether Lucius and Andromeda have each only got half the story.