Author's Note: Thank you so much to katchile94 and GraceMonroe for their reviews! As always, your reviews make my day! If you, too, would like to make a humble fanfic author's day, I would love to hear from you! I know you all missed Remus last chapter, but I would be remiss if I did not include a Trigger Warning that there is a scene of torture and child abuse in this chapter. Okay, without further ado, let's get to it!
...
Chapter Fifteen: MayLooking back on it, Mairead was surprised by how little she mourned her breakup with Roger. She certainly had her moments when sadness, anger, or embarrassment would burn through her like a forest fire, but she refused to let those moments rule her.
Quite frankly, she had had enough of other people ruling her. She was ready to rule herself.
Even if she had been inclined to sink into a depression over the way Roger had used her, she would scarcely have had the time to devote to it. The Seventh Year workload, which had been steadily increasing throughout the year, had now reached a level that even Hufflepuffs found difficult to manage.
Despite their reputation among the other houses for being dull and thick, Hufflepuffs themselves knew better. They may not have been as showy as the other houses - and sure, they may not have had the scholarly obsession that Ravenclaws had - but they were easily the hardest workers of the school. Though their mascot was the badger, they also embraced the image of the worker bees with whom they shared their colors. They never shied away from a challenge, and as a result of their unparalleled work ethics, Hufflepuffs often found themselves finished with their homework rather sooner than their peers and with plenty of spare time on their hands.
Until now.
Now, the Fifth and Seventh Years seemed to live in the library, and when the library closed they moved as a unit back to their Common Room to continue studying. There was a long honoured tradition of older Hufflepuffs helping the younger students succeed, and the Sixth Year Hufflepuffs willingly stepped in to help the Fifth Years prepare for their O.W.L.s. But there was no one to help the Seventh Years.
Mairead frequently found herself staying up most of the night in the Common Room studying. Her work in the library was no longer the boon it had been earlier in the year, for now she was constantly dashing around the library from carrel to carrel helping other students prepare for finals. Hermione and her friends, Harry and Ron, were also regular fixtures in the library. Hermione had informed Mairead that Hagrid had lost his trial, and Mairead spent every second she could spare helping the trio prepare a defense for the hippogriff's appeal. After her shifts, she would return to the Common Room with sore feet and a fuzzy brain to tackle her own mountain of homework.
She also had somewhat less time to devote to her homework than her classmates did, owing to her lessons with Professor Lupin, which were not going as well as she had hoped they would. Mairead had arrived at Lupin's office one night in a state of panic over her upcoming exams. She had insisted that they tackle a Boggart before moving on to Fifth Year spells. She and her professor had argued, but finally Professor Lupin had relented under extreme protestation. Two nights later, after reiterating his strong objections, he had presented her with a Boggart.
Mairead had gone into it with a plan she had concocted in her head that, in retrospect, was too simple to have worked. Lupin had told her that the entire point of the Riddikulus spell was that it forced a Boggart to assume a comical shape that the caster would find amusing. He had explained that it wasn't actually the Boggart Banishing Spell that defeated the Boggart, but rather the laughter that resulted. Her plan had been to simply force herself to laugh at the Boggart.
When Lupin had opened the door to the closet the Boggart was hiding inside, however, and her father had come bursting out, roaring in fury and hell-bent on killing her where she stood, Mairead had completely lost her mind.
Much like the last time, she had been terrorized to the point of paralysis. This time, Lupin had been expecting the Boggart, and he'd immediately stepped in and banished her father, but she had been so shaken as to be rendered useless for the remainder of the evening.
She was now certain that she would fail the Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. and that all of these lessons had been a waste of her time, and worse - a waste of Professor Lupin's time.
To make matters worse, the nightmares that Mairead frequently suffered were now a nightly occurrence. During the few, precious moments she did have to sleep, Mairead would wake trembling and doused in cold sweat from a dream that was all too real and far worse for having come straight from her memories.
It was from one of these nightmares that Cedric roused Mairead one night at the end of April.
She had dozed off while studying in the Common Room and was immediately taken back to her childhood home in Armagh. She could hear the anguished cries of her mother and tried to run to her, but her feet just wouldn't move. She fell to her knees and dragged herself painfully slowly by her hands to her parents' bedroom, where the screams of agony were coming from. Just as she arrived she saw Kenneth raise his wand, releasing the Cruciatus Curse that Claire had been under. Kenneth aimed his wand straight between Claire's eyes, an unhinged, murderous fire in his own eyes. Mairead opened her mouth to scream but no sound came out. A flash of green light blinded her and made her avert her gaze. When she opened her eyes, she saw her mother's body crumpled on the floor, blue eyes open and staring. Mairead tried to turn and run from what she knew was coming, but she was frozen, unable to move. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to shut out what was about to happen. It had been done to her so many times before, and knowing just how bad it was only made her fear worse. She began screaming before the word was even out of her father's mouth.
"Crucio."
She snapped awake and jumped violently, letting out a cry of alarm at the feeling of Cedric's hands shaking her, disoriented and not realizing who he was for a moment.
When her eyes focused on Cedric, she saw that he looked pale and shaken.
"Are you okay?" he asked her.
Mairead nodded, sitting up and brushing away the hair that was clinging to her sweaty face. "Yeah, just a nightmare about N.E.W.T.s," she lied. He looked satisfied with this answer, which was a relief. "What time is it?" she rasped.
"About four o'clock."
"Shit," Mairead said. "I didn't wake you did I?"
"No," said Cedric. "I was actually hoping to find you here. I wasn't sure how to wake you, since I can't get to your dorm room."
"What's up?" she asked curiously.
A smile tugged at one corner of Cedric's lips. "Well," he said slowly, "I know you're busy having night terrors and all, but if you've got a bit... we have something to make up for."
"W-w-what?" she asked through a jaw-cracking yawn.
"You were in the Hospital Wing for your birthday," said Cedric. "We've got to get your arse up to the Astronomy Tower before it's too late."
A smile spread across Mairead's face. She shoved her textbooks off her lap and stood up.
"Lead the way."
Mairead tried to stifle her yawns as they made the familiar trek to the Astronomy Tower. When they arrived, Cedric spread his cloak out on the floor of the tower as he always did and the two took a seat.
"We're a bit early," Cedric murmured, checking his watch.
"That's fine," said Mairead, leaning against him and enjoying their closeness.
Cedric looked down at the top of her head. "I meant to do this earlier," he mumbled. "But January got away from me and then..." he trailed off, guilt heavy in his voice.
"Have I mentioned how sorry I am?" Mairead asked, knowing the answer.
"Only about a million times," Cedric responded. "Have I mentioned how sorry I am?"
"I think that was the millionth and one."
Cedric pulled his arm out from between them and put it around her shoulders. "How are you doing?" he asked quietly. "With, you know... everything?"
"Better than I thought I'd be," she mused. "I'm trying this new thing called not living my life for other people's approval."
Mairead had been unsurprised to learn that the entire student body had heard about what had happened in the Ravenclaw Quidditch stands by that weekend. She had been even less surprised by the taunting and harassment she had received from Slytherin and Ravenclaw students, who clearly had taken Roger's and Sarah's sides and who lost no opportunity to mutter slut or harlot when she passed in the corridors.
Cedric knew of all this and clicked his tongue sympathetically. "I still wish you'd let me curse that kid," he muttered darkly, referring to a Fourth Year Ravenclaw boy who had approached Mairead in the library and announced with a cocky grin that he was interested in being Roger's "sloppy seconds."
"It really hasn't been all bad though," Mairead said thoughtfully. "Did I tell you about all the girls who've come up to me and said how awful Roger is?"
"No?" said Cedric questioningly.
"Yeah," she went on. "A lot of people have said they're really sorry for me and that I shouldn't feel bad."
"You shouldn't feel bad," Cedric agreed.
"Even some Ravenclaw girls," she added. Blushing slightly, she added, "When I finally... you know... got my... my period... I was so relieved. When I saw the blood I shouted, 'Thank God' and the other girls in the loo all congratulated me. And one Ravenclaw girl was like, 'the last thing this world needs is more Roger Davies.'"
They shared a laugh at this.
"I guess in a way this has been kind of galvanizing for me," she went on thoughtfully. "I've just spent so long trying to be likable. I've put so much time and energy into being polite and keeping my head down and never sticking my neck out. It's like there's this constant voice in my head telling me what to do to be polite and courteous and non-threatening and I'm just kind of... totally sick of it, actually. There are times when I don't even recognize myself. I've got to be somebody that I like and I respect, and just..." she trailed off.
"Fuck everybody who's got a problem with that," Cedric filled in.
She turned to look up at him and grinned broadly. "Fuck everybody who's got a problem with that," she agreed.
Cedric looked down at her and shook his head. "I love the shit out of you," he said. "Just so you know."
Mairead giggled. "Right back at you," she murmured.
Cedric nodded at the brightening horizon. "Eighteen wishes," he whispered. "Go."
Mairead nodded and took a deep breath, focusing her thoughts.
"One," Cedric muttered.
I wish I pass my Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L., she thought.
She nodded.
"Two," said Cedric.
I wish I pass my N.E.W.T.s.
"Three."
I wish for the courage to be someone that I like.
"Four."
I wish I get a job that makes me happy when I graduate.
Cedric continued counting and Mairead continued wishing. There was one wish in the back of her mind that she wouldn't let herself focus on, but eighteen was quite a few wishes. She made wishes for Cedric and Edgar, Ansel and Sophie, for the nuns at St. Hedwig's, even Professor Sprout. But by the time she had made her seventeenth wish, it was the only wish she could think about.
"Hurry up," Cedric muttered after she had spent nearly a minute thinking about her eighteenth wish. "Sun's nearly up. You've got to make it before sunrise is over."
"There's one wish," she confessed quietly. "But I don't know whether I should make it."
"Do you want it?" he asked.
Mairead hesitated, then fervently murmured, "More than anything."
"Just do it."
She let out a breath. "But what if -"
"Just do it, May."
She took another breath, squeezed her eyes shut, and thought, I don't care how long it takes. I don't care how long I have to wait. But someday, I wish that Remus Lupin will tell me he loves me.
...
Mairead thought of her final wish often over the next week. Her adoration for Professor Lupin grew every day. She could now see that, when dating Roger, she had been at least partially motivated by her desire to put the older man out of her head. Now, he was the only person she could ever imagine wanting.
She took notes diligently during his classes, but she regularly stole glances at him, and her heart gave a great leap every time he met her gaze. She loved the way he lectured, the way he could explain absolutely anything at exactly the level his students needed in order to understand it, the way he encouraged and lifted up his students, even now when their stress levels were nearly unbearable.
She had worked her way through most of his record collection by this point, feeling as though she could be closer to him by knowing his musical tastes. He loved to tease her for not knowing famous Muggle bands. For her part, she loved to tell him about films he hadn't seen. Their conversations were marvelous, and the absolute highlight of her week.
She constantly wondered what he thought of her. He always seemed happy to see her, and even though she knew he must be drowning in his own work, he never seemed in a rush to say good-bye to her. But then she reminded herself that he was kind and friendly to everyone, and he was far too gracious to make anyone feel rushed or that he didn't have all the time in the world to devote to their education.
Mairead loved everything about him. She loved his eyes - their colour, the personality she could see shining out of them, the way they crinkled at the corners when he smiled, the way she could tell by looking at them when he was laughing internally though the rest of his face was perfectly placid. She loved his hands - his long fingers and the way he gestured with them when he talked, his dexterity and even the way he held a quill. She adored his smile (how had she ever thought Roger's smile the best thing on earth?) - the way his mouth would twitch at the corners when he was amused, the one crooked bottom tooth he had that slightly overlapped with another, the way her stomach swooped and sang when he shared a grin with her. She loved his hair - the way it fell into his eyes, how fluffy and soft it seemed, the light brown flecked with the occasional grey. She loved his eyebrows - how they were shaped and how they were an ever-so-slightly darker shade of brown than the hair on his head, how a thin, vertical line formed in between them when he was concentrating or concerned, how all he had to do was twitch one of them to make her realize he was teasing her and reduce her to a blushing, stammering fool. Most of all, she loved the fact that, guarded as he so often was, she had started to be able to read him - his subtle facial expressions, the emotions that would flash across his eyes, there and gone as fast as a bolt of lightning across a stormy grey sky, his body language. Though she wasn't sure why, it was obvious to her that he kept a very tight rein on what parts of himself he allowed others to see, and whether it was intentional on his part or just due to her near obsessive observations, she was starting to be able to tell what was going on inside his head, even when he said nothing out loud.
She loved him with a love so innocent and yet so fierce, it could only be first love.
Which was why she was so devastated when she concluded that he was probably dying.
It started on a Monday in the second week of May. She had lost track of time while studying and was running late to her lesson. When she reached the top of the staircase to the second floor she nearly collided with Professor Snape, who regarded her coldly.
"You're late," the Potions Master said irritably, as though she were late to meet him and not Lupin. "He's waiting for you; you had better hurry." With that, he continued on his way.
Mairead broke into a sprint and arrived at Professor Lupin's office door to find it half open. Lupin was inside, and though his back was to her, she could see him hastily downing the contents of a pewter goblet in large gulps. Mairead could hear him making quiet sounds of disgust and wondered why he was drinking it so fast. When he sensed her presence he whirled around, and for an instant Mairead saw a look of being caught out flit across his features. It was gone in an instant though, and he smiled warmly at her.
"Good evening, Mairead," he said pleasantly. "Come in."
Mairead didn't move. She eyed the goblet in Professor Lupin's hands. Though it was empty, steam was still coming off the metal.
Looking back at Lupin, she said, "You're sick again, aren't you?"
Again with that quick, almost imperceptible look of guilt. Had this been the beginning of the year, Mairead wondered whether she would have been able to discern it at all.
"I'm fine," he said dismissively.
Mairead frowned at the obvious lie, but walked into his office to start the lesson nevertheless.
Mairead didn't bring the potion back up for the remainder of their meeting, not even when Professor Lupin announced he was going to "let her go" fifteen minutes early, but as she was getting ready to leave, she quietly said, "I hope you feel better soon, Professor Lupin."
Professor Lupin paused and considered her for a moment. Then, he went over to his desk, grabbed a piece of parchment, and scribbled a note on it. When he straightened he silently held out the parchment he had been writing on.
Mairead took the parchment and glanced at it.
Severus,
Please excuse Mairead O'Keefe from Defense Against the Dark Arts this afternoon. She will be devoting her time to independent study as part of her preparation for her O.W.L. exam.
R.J.L.
"Give that to him at the start of class," Lupin said quietly. "Then go to the library. I don't care what you do there. Just don't go to class tomorrow."
Mairead stared at the parchment, afraid of what Professor Lupin would see in her eyes if she looked at him.
She swallowed thickly, then whispered, "'Kay."
When she gave Professor Lupin's note to Snape the next afternoon, the man sneered unpleasantly.
"What will you be doing, grooming him?" he asked in his silky voice.
Mairead opened her mouth to defend her Professor, but was flummoxed by what Snape had said. It made no sense at all. Before she could formulate a response, Snape looked expectantly at her.
"Well?" he snapped. "What are you waiting for? Get out of my sight."
Mairead scurried away before he changed his mind.
She started for the library, but her feet stopped of their own accord. Hesitating uncertainly on the spot for a few moments, Mairead changed directions and headed for the Hospital Wing.
She hovered in the doorway, feeling torn between the need to know what was going on with Professor Lupin and her conscience telling her to respect his privacy.
She was on the brink of turning to go when Madam Pomphrey spotted her.
"Do you need something, Miss O'Keefe?" the matron asked.
"I... I have a headache," Mairead stammered, mentally berating herself for not having come up with an excuse earlier.
"Well, come in, then, don't just stand there in the doorway like a vampire," Madam Pomphrey responded a touch testily. End of year breakdowns must have been getting to her, as well.
Mairead stepped into the Hospital Wing and tried to have a subtle look around. There were two beds occupied, but both contained students. All of the others were bare, and none was concealed behind a curtain.
"There you are, down the hatch with that and you'll be feeling all right soon," said Madam Pomphrey, bustling over to Mairead and handing her a vial of potion.
Mairead unstoppered the vial and threw it back. When she finished, she fiddled with the vial for a moment.
"Quiet day," she commented in what she hoped was a mild tone.
Madam Pomphrey let out a "harumph" of dissatisfaction. "For now," she said grouchily. "Soon enough there'll be another wave of First, Fifth, and Seventh Years coming in here for a Draught of Peace. I've gone through my year's supply already and there are still weeks left to the school year! I had to ask Professor Snape to brew more!"
"Professor Snape must be really busy," said Mairead. "What with making the Draught of Peace for you and the potion Professor Lupin needs."
Madam Pomphrey reached out, snatched the vial from Mairead's fingers, and walked away with it.
"You're all set now, dearie," she said over her shoulder. "Come back and see me if that headache doesn't go away within thirty minutes."
Mairead pursed her lips, then decided to throw caution to the wind and give it one more go. "How is he, by the way?" she asked. "Professor Lupin? Only he had to miss our class today and I was wondering."
"He's fine," Madam Pomphrey said shortly. "Resting up in his quarters, as you should be, too. Now off with you!"
Mairead cast about for some way to ask what was going on with the man, but could come up with nothing. Her stomach felt like it was filled with rocks. Whatever was ailing him had to be serious, if Madam Pomphrey couldn't do anything for him but prescribe him bed rest.
Finally, fighting down a wave of anxiety, she said, "Well, thanks, then."
Madam Pomphrey waved to her without looking up from the paperwork she had now busied herself with.
With a sigh, Mairead turned and left, defeated, crushed by worry, and utterly bereft. She felt more certain than ever that, whatever the disease was that Professor Lupin was fighting, he was losing.
...
Remus groaned softly as he leaned forward in his seat to pour himself another cup of coffee. This moon had been particularly brutal. He had had the whole of Tuesday to rest up and here he was at dinner on Wednesday and he still could barely move without every muscle protesting.
I must be getting old, he thought grimly to himself.
He decided that he would have a lie-down before his meeting with Mairead. He felt bad for cutting their Monday evening lesson short, but the moon had been scheduled to rise just a few minutes after nine o'clock and he couldn't risk her being anywhere nearby when he transformed. He always placed a Silencing Charm on his office so that no one would be able to hear the screams of agony coming from his quarters, but if the past year had taught him anything, it was that he had already made plenty of stupid mistakes where Mairead was concerned, and he wasn't about to make another if he could help it.
He drained his coffee cup and used the table for support as he rose to standing. Stiffly, he stepped down from the High Table and made for the exit. Glancing at his watch, he saw that he should have an hour to rest before meeting with Mairead.
Perfect.
An hour and fifteen minutes later, he awoke, checked his watch, and let out a colourful curse word. Throwing himself out of bed, he hastily ran a hand through his hair to try to neaten it up, threw his robes on overtop his wrinkled clothing, and wrenched open the door separating his bedroom from his office and rushed to his office door.
He pulled the door open just in time to see Mairead walking away down the corridor.
He shouted her name and she turned, looking surprised. Quickly, her expression changed from startled to concerned as she took in his disheveled appearance.
"Forgive me," he said. "I was grading and I completely lost track of time. I'll make it up."
He briefly felt bad for the lie, but then, a little information could be dangerous in the hands of this girl.
Especially when a little information turns into you telling her your life story, he thought sourly to himself.
Mairead shook her head with a small, uncertain smile. "No, it's fine, Professor," she said. "I wasn't sure if we were meeting tonight anyway."
"We were - I mean, we are," Remus responded hastily. "Come on, let's head down to the History of Magic classroom."
Mairead didn't move. She shuffled her feet awkwardly, biting her lip and looking at the ground. "Erm," she said quietly. "I dunno."
"What's the matter?" he asked.
She looked highly uncomfortable, and she looked like she was forcing herself to speak her mind. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asked meekly. "You're probably still not feeling well and -"
"I'm perfectly fine," Remus lied, waving a hand dismissively. "Come on, let's go."
He closed his office door and started past her in the direction of the staircase. She still didn't budge. Remus raised an eyebrow at her, feeling more annoyed than he should.
"Something wrong?"
"You're not fine, Professor Lupin," Mairead said quietly but firmly. "You don't look well. I think you should rest. I don't think we should -"
"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?" Remus interrupted, feeling a touch of resentment that she could see through his bravado. "Last time I checked, I was the teacher, after all."
Mairead's cheeks flushed, but she held firm. "Please sir," she said pleadingly. Then, attempting to compromise, she said, "If you want to meet, why don't we have an office night? We can double up on dueling next week."
"No," said Remus curtly.
She could be so stubborn! He had been feeling like absolute rubbish all day and no one else had even noticed. Guilt over leaving her waiting combined with irritation that she was attributing his lateness to his not feeling well, which then mixed with bitterness at the realization that she was absolutely spot on and made a spark of anger flicker to life.
Mairead clicked her tongue. "But -"
"I said 'no,'" he said a bit louder than he had intended. Mairead took a step back from him, eyes widening with alarm at his tone of voice. "The Defense O.W.L. is four weeks away," he continued, trying and not entirely succeeding at keeping the irritation out of his voice. "We haven't got any more time to waste. We've got to make full use of every meeting between now and then. Now: I am fine, and this really isn't your decision, anyway; it's mine. I won't ask again, so let's go."
For a moment, Remus thought Mairead was going to put her foot down, but she seemed too intimidated by his sudden wielding of his authority to push matters any further, and she finally started towards the staircase.
They walked to the classroom in silence. Remus stole glances at the girl at his side as they went. Mairead looked miserable. She was hugging her middle tightly with her arms. Her cheeks were still red and she stared at the ground as she walked. She had her "kicked puppy dog look," as Remus thought of it, and he felt a twist of self-hatred for being the cause of it.
"How are your other classes going?" he asked, wanting to break the painful silence.
"They're fine, thank you, sir," she said, her voice barely audible.
Remus cast about for something else to say. Normally conversation came easily between the two of them, and usually he had no shortage of things he wished to ask her or tell her, but at the moment the peace felt so fragile between them he couldn't think of any of the topics he had been wanting to discuss with her.
"How is Roger?" he asked finally. Surely the girl would have plenty to say about her boyfriend, scoundrel though Remus thought he was.
"I don't know," said Mairead. "We broke up a couple of weeks ago."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," Remus said. He wanted to kick himself.
Mairead shrugged. "S'fine."
Remus wanted to kiss the ground of the History of Magic classroom when they finally arrived. He and Mairead went to opposite sides of the room and lit the lamps together, as was their custom. Normally they would share a cheeky smile and trade some friendly razzing when they met in the middle, but Mairead could barely bring herself to look at him.
I'm back to square one with her, Remus realized, and the thought made anger flare unexpectedly in him. He immediately tamped the feeling down, but a look at Mairead made him realize that she had seen the emotion and recognized it for what it was.
He tried to catch her eye and smile at her, hoping to assuage her distress, but now she wouldn't look at him at all.
He took a deep, calming breath. He had to get himself under control. His baser instincts were always closer to the surface when the moon was full, though typically it was far easier to keep the wolf in check after the full moon than it was on the few nights leading up to it.
Turning back to face her, Remus could see that Mairead also appeared to be battling with herself.
Perhaps a duel will do us both good, he thought.
Saluting her with his wand, he began.
After a few short minutes of dueling, she missed blocking a quick riposte on his part and was knocked to the ground. She immediately got to her feet, and nodded to indicate she was ready to resume.
Remus always held back when he dueled with Mairead. Though he wasn't the world's most accomplished duelist by any means, if he was to be completely honest with himself he knew that his dueling skills were well above average. And when going up against a girl who was still a student and who, until five months ago, had never dueled once in her entire life, the real work was in finding the right balance of challenging the girl without wiping the floor with her.
She fell to the floor, defeated again. She went over and retrieved her wand from the desk it had rolled under, then tucked a stray lock of hair that had come free from her updo behind her ear and faced him again, wand at the ready.
He respected and admired Mairead for her attitude. She worked very hard, never complained no matter how many times he bested her, took feedback well, and was willing to take risks. She thought outside the box and had come up with what Remus thought were some truly ingenious alternatives to common defensive and offensive spells. She had come impressively far in just a few short months, and Remus was filled with pride every time he thought about where she was now compared to where she had begun.
A Knockback Jinx from Remus's wand sent her crashing into a desk. She waved off his help and righted herself. After taking a moment to fix her shoe, which had partially come off when she tripped, she nodded for Remus to continue.
Remus had kept Dumbledore up to date on how things were going, and the Headmaster seemed pleased with Remus's reports on Mairead's progress. Secretly, though, Remus wondered whether it would be enough. The Wizarding Examinations Authority had agreed to let her make an attempt at an O.W.L., but Remus was concerned they wouldn't find her work-arounds acceptable. They were certainly clever, but this wasn't true defensive magic in the textbook definition of the term. Remus frequently had to remind himself that the best he could hope for was to give Mairead a chance to escape if she were ever in any real danger. But in his heart of hearts, Remus thought that if Mairead ever went up against a true adversary, she wouldn't stand a chance.
So when her next spell hit him squarely in the chest and blew him clear off his feet and halfway across the classroom, he was shocked, to say the least.
He lay on the ground, stunned. The wind had been completely knocked out of him. Remus became aware of the fact that Mairead had screamed about half a second before she crashed to her knees next to him.
"Professor Lupin!" she cried, grabbing his shoulder with both hands and shaking him. "Are you okay?! I'm so sorry!"
Remus let out something between a cough and a laugh. "Well done," he croaked. With a groan, he pushed himself into a seated position. Mairead pushed herself backwards slightly to give him room.
"Are you hurt?" she whispered, her hands fluttering around as if she wasn't sure what to do with them. "I'm so sorry," she repeated. Remus could see that she was trembling.
"I'm not hurt," he said with a reassuring smile. "Don't worry."
He pushed himself to his feet, wincing at his still-sore muscles. He extended a hand to Mairead to help her up. But instead of accepting his help, she looked from his hand to his face, back to his hand, a mystifying but undoubtedly distressed look on her face, and then rose to her feet on her own.
She walked to the far side of the classroom and began pacing frantically back and forth, biting her nails.
"Are you all right?" Remus asked her.
She said nothing, continuing to pace rapidly.
"Mairead, what's wrong?" he asked, starting towards her.
She shook her head tightly. He could hear her breath coming in short, rapid gasps.
When he was near enough to touch her, Remus reached out a hand, but she batted it away.
"Mairead, talk to me," he said urgently.
She spun and faced him. She looked positively frenzied.
"I told you I didn't want to duel!" she cried. "I told you this wasn't a good idea and you insisted that we duel anyway!"
Remus stared at her uncomprehendingly. "Mairead, you won the duel," he said slowly. "That was a good thing that happened just now."
"You wouldn't listen to me!" she accused him. "You said we'd make decisions together. You promised we'd make decisions together! But you overruled me and now -" she broke off and stormed past him to the other side of the classroom. He tried to lay a hand on her shoulder as she passed but she squirmed away from him.
"Don't be angry," Remus said softly. "I don't understand why you're upset, Mairead. Don't you see? You're supposed to be able to beat me."
"Bullshit," she snapped, whirling back around and glaring daggers at him. "That's bullshit and you know it."
"Mairead -"
"Stop lying to me!"
Remus held out his hands, palms facing her in a placating gesture. "I'm telling you the truth," he said as gently as he could to try to soothe her. "You should be proud of what just happened. You shouldn't be upset."
"YOU SAID WE WERE PARTNERS!" Mairead exploded. "You said I could veto ANYTHING I was uncomfortable with and I TOLD YOU I didn't want to duel tonight and you MADE ME! You fucking pulled teacher rank!"
Remus frowned at her. "Is that what this is about?" he asked her quietly.
"You know what this is about," Mairead snarled. "Stop pretending. Stop lying to me!"
Remus shook his head, completely baffled. "What am I lying about?" he asked.
"You're dying!"
Remus froze.
"Aren't you?" she added, though it sounded less like a question and more like an accusation.
"Who told you that?" Remus asked in confusion.
Evidently this was a poor choice of words.
Mairead's eyes, which up until that moment had been blazing and crackling with fire, suddenly filled with tears as she took his question to be confirmation of her assertion.
The girl crumpled before his eyes. She buried her face in her hands, turned away, and faced the stone wall of the classroom, leaning against it for support. Remus watched in stunned surprise as the most heartrending sobs he had ever heard in his entire life tore from her throat.
"Mairead," he said softly. But she either couldn't hear him or ignored him, and carried on sobbing inconsolably. "Mairead, don't," he pleaded, walking over to stand behind her.
She sounded as heartbroken and grief-stricken as if she had just lost her last friend in the world.
"Mairead, please," he tried again, but she just continued to cry as though he were not there.
He glanced nervously at the door, which was partially open. If anyone walked in he would have some explaining to do. Then, putting that thought from his head, he did what he had wanted to do so many months ago when the girl had cried in Dumbledore's office, what he had wanted to do the first time he'd hurt her, and every time after that.
He reached out, turned the girl gently by her shoulders, and pulled her into his arms.
Mairead sagged against Remus. She wrapped her arms around him and clung to the back of his robes, burying her face in his chest and weeping helplessly.
"Shhh," he whispered, stroking her back and shoulders softly. "It's okay. Don't cry."
He murmured soft, soothing nothings to her and rocked her gently back and forth while his mind raced.
I'm about to tell her - fuck, I'm about to tell her. Christ, please don't let me tell her!
The cold, logical part of his brain told him that Mairead had just handed him a gift, however inadvertently. He could let her go on believing that he was dying. He was sure he could come up with some long, slowly degenerative disease he could tell her about. She would share the information with Cedric Diggory or Edgar Okada, and the rumour would spread across the castle without him having to do anything. Then, when the day came (as he knew one day it would) when he would have outstayed his welcome at Hogwarts, he could simply slip away. Leave some vague hints to students about his failing health and just... disappear. It was beautiful in its simplicity. His mind automatically began flipping through diseases that would be plausible doubles for his symptoms.
Then Mairead let out a whimper and tightened her grip on him. She nestled her face further into his shirt as another wave of sobs wracked her body, which felt so fragile and delicate beneath his hands, and he knew he couldn't do it.
"I'm not dying, Mairead."
The words were out of his mouth before he had even fully settled on the decision not to lie to her.
Well, technically he would still lie to her. He just now had to come up with a different lie.
"W-what's wrong with you?" she cried into his shirt. "You're always sick. That p-potion Snape makes for you isn't working."
"It is working," Remus argued, stalling for time as he frantically worked to come up with some way out of this. "It helps a great deal."
"You're not getting any better," said Mairead petulantly.
"I'm not getting any better," Remus said slowly. "But I'm not getting any worse, either."
Mairead's crying paused. She was still trembling and hiccoughing, but he could tell she was listening to him. He decided to rely on the interrogation techniques he had been taught years before in the Order: stick as close to the truth as you can, and when you have to lie, keep it simple.
"I have... a - a chronic condition," he finally said.
Mairead sniffled loudly. "What is it?" she asked hoarsely.
"It wouldn't be appropriate for me to share that with you, Mairead," he chided her very gently.
"Oh, sorry," she said quietly.
"But you see, the point is, I've had it all my life," said Remus. It was close enough to the truth, he figured. Twenty-nine out of thirty-four years was close enough to his whole life. "I've suffered bouts of illness my whole life, and I haven't died yet, have I?"
Mairead had stopped crying completely now, but was still shaking. Remus tightened his arms around her and rested his face lightly on the top of her head.
"You're r-really not dying?" she asked in the tiniest of voices.
"No, sweetheart, I'm not," he said softly into her hair. "I promise."
Without warning, Mairead began crying stormily again. Remus was completely flummoxed.
"I rather thought you'd think this good news," he teased her with a slight smile. "I can see now that I've flattered myself."
Mairead laughed thickly. "I've been s-so w-worried," she said through her tears, and Remus could feel his heart squeeze almost painfully in his chest at the girl's admission.
"I'm sorry," he murmured, placing a hand lightly on the back of her head. "Are you all right now?"
She nodded and pulled away from his chest slightly. She released the back of his robes with one hand and began wiping her face with her sleeve. "Sorry," she whispered hoarsely.
Remus reached into a pocket, withdrew a handkerchief, and offered it to her. He recalled the last time he had offered her a handkerchief, when Patrick Daily had assaulted her. It occurred to him that only a couple of months ago Mairead would not have trusted him enough to let him touch her like this, to allow him to hold her and comfort her. The thought unexpectedly filled his stomach with warmth.
Mairead accepted the handkerchief and wiped her eyes and nose. Pulling back slightly, she looked at the dark spot on his shirt where her tears had soaked through. With a noise of discontent, she began dabbing at his shirt with the handkerchief.
"I'm so sorry," she said, her voice low with embarrassment. "I've cried all over your shirt."
"Oh, don't worry about that," said Remus reassuringly. "It's just salt water."
Mairead shook her head. "It's not, actually," she said. "Tears contain all kinds of things: lipids and electrolytes and amino acids and over a thousand proteins. They're actually very complex."
She looked up at him as she said this. Remus looked down at the girl and realized they were close enough that he could have counted every freckle dancing across her nose and cheekbones. He was suddenly completely overwhelmed by his affection for her.
"I didn't know that," he said, smiling down at her.
Mairead broke eye contact and laughed self-consciously. "There's your useless fact for the day," she muttered.
Remus pulled her close again before he could stop himself. "I love useless facts," he insisted loyally.
He held her for another moment or two before releasing her. "Come on," he said softly. "I'll walk you back to your dorm."
Mairead looked as though she were feeling awkward and uncertain. Remus peered at her, silently waiting to see whether she would retreat back into her shell like she had been at the beginning of their meeting or stay out here with him.
She swallowed. "Sorry I wasted our meeting," she mumbled, looking guilty.
"I'd hardly consider it a waste, personally," said Remus thoughtfully as he began to extinguish the lamps. "I, for one, got a lot out of tonight. In addition to having my clock cleaned by a teenager, I also learned a great deal about the composition of tears. I'm sure I shall dazzle at this month's faculty meeting."
Mairead giggled and Remus couldn't stop himself from grinning widely at her. She shyly returned the smile and set about helping him with the lamps.
When Remus walked Mairead to the Hufflepuff Basement, conversation returned as naturally to them as if they had never had an uncomfortable moment in their whole acquaintanceship.
They talked about this and that until Remus got on a story about his Fifth Year Ravenclaw class and Mairead unexpectedly burst out, "You know, he didn't have a cat!"
"Who didn't have a cat?" Remus asked in confusion.
"Roger."
Remus raised an eyebrow. "Is feline ownership a prerequisite for all of your significant others?" he teased.
Mairead rolled her eyes at him. "No. But he told me at the beginning of the year that his cat spilled coffee on a library book, but he doesn't even own a cat. And when I asked him about it he said I must have imagined the whole thing. He made me out like I was crazy."
Remus frowned, his dislike for the Ravenclaw deepening. "Sounds like he was gaslighting you."
"What?"
"I said it sounds like Roger was gaslighting you. Like from the movie Gaslight."
Mairead shook her head. "I don't know what that means."
Remus couldn't stop a mischievous smile from spreading across his lips. "Well, well," he said in a light, teasing tone. "Have I seen a film that you haven't seen?"
Mairead stopped walking and put a hand on her hip. "You're not going to go all The Humbugs on me again, are you?" she said. "'Cause I can walk myself home -"
"The Beatles!" cried Remus. He turned and saw that Mairead was smiling slyly at him.
He snorted and the two resumed walking slowly, neither in a hurry to say good-bye. After a few moments Remus looked over and saw that Mairead looked lost in an unhappy thought. She must still be pretty broken up over Roger, he thought.
"You'll meet someone else, Mairead," he said.
"What?" Mairead looked startled, like he had inadvertently guessed what was on her mind.
"Other than Roger," he said.
"Oh. Right. Roger," said Mairead.
"You'll meet someone much better than him," said Remus, attempting to be reassuring. "You're only seventeen. You've got plenty of time."
Mairead nodded but didn't respond.
When the wine barrels concealing the entrance to the Hufflepuff Common Room came into view, Mairead said, "You know, I'm not seventeen. I'm eighteen now."
"Oh?" said Remus. "When was your birthday?"
"December," the girl answered him. "December sixteenth. When is your birthday?"
"March tenth."
"Oh," she said quietly. "Pisces. That makes sense."
Remus stifled a scornful reaction. He had never given much credence to Divination, himself.
Mairead reached out and tapped one of the barrels, which opened up to reveal the earthen passageway.
"Goodnight, then," said Remus, putting his hands in his pockets.
"Goodnight," Mairead echoed.
Remus started back off in the direction of his office, but turned around when he heard Mairead call, "Professor Lupin!"
"Yes?"
"Happy Belated Birthday," she said shyly.
Remus was seized by the sudden urge to pull the girl into his arms and never let her go. Putting the strange impulse out of his thoughts, he smiled at her.
"Thank you, May."
The girl's eyes widened in surprise at his use of her nickname, and Remus experienced a flash of trepidation that he had been too familiar. But then he was rewarded with one of her sweet, shy smiles.
...
Author's Note: Well, was this enough Remus for you? We're getting towards the end of this fic - only two chapters left! (So, you know, if you wanted to leave me a review, now's your chance.) ;-)
Song for this chapter: "Fall to Pieces," by Avril Lavigne (Mairead). I know that this is a breakup song, but the funnel cloud of emotions in it - wistfulness, longing, wanting to know everything about someone, feeling like there's one person who knows how to put you back together when you fall apart - really reminds me of how Mairead feels about Remus at this point in the story.