Author's Note: Special thanks to mrs. morgan 35 for your review and to XAlstroemeriaX for your THREE reviews! I tried to send you a PM thanking you for your kind, supportive words, but it wouldn't let me, so let me say here: thank you so much for all of your encouragement! I feel so spoiled!
Also just a minor warning before we begin that this chapter contains heavy allusions to past child abuse.
...
Chapter Sixteen: Until We Meet AgainMairead bit her lip and nervously shifted her weight from one foot to the other as she stood outside the classroom where her Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. would presently be taking place.
"Calm down, you're going to be fine," Professor Lupin muttered from his place at her side.
Mairead looked up at him. "What if I'm not?" she asked anxiously.
"Then you'll learn from the experience and we'll have a whole year to get you ready to try again."
"What if they don't let me take it again?"
Professor Lupin opened his mouth to reply but before he could, the door to the classroom swung open as if by its own volition with a slow, low creak.
"May-Reed O'Keefe," a voice sounded from inside the room.
Lupin smiled sardonically and twitched an eyebrow at Mairead. For a moment, she felt her nerves abate at his silent teasing.
"Guess that's as me as it gets," she said, unhappy to hear how her voice quivered. She took a deep breath, held it in her cheeks for a moment, then let it out slowly through pursed lips.
"Good luck," said Lupin, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I'll be right out here the whole time."
Mairead nodded, gripped her wand tightly in her hand, and stepped through the doorway.
She found herself in the strangest test setting she had ever been in. The classroom didn't look like a classroom at all, but like a sitting room. Mairead frowned. None of the O.W.L.s she had taken in her Fifth Year had been like this. In fact, none of the O.W.L.s had taken place in a classroom, but had rather been staged in the Great Hall...
The room looked vaguely familiar, but she couldn't quite put her finger on why. She looked around but couldn't see the test administrator anywhere. She wandered over to the mantelpiece, where several framed photographs were lined up. She looked at the first one, which was obviously a staged photo of a man and a woman with a child standing in between them, and staggered backwards with a gasp of horror.
The child in the photograph was her.
She turned on her heel and suddenly realized: she was standing in the parlour of her childhood home.
A sound in another room reached her ears, and terror shot through her entire body. Someone was drawing a bath.
Mairead dashed for the door to the classroom and threw it open, desperate for Professor Lupin's protection. But the door no longer led to the corridor Professor Lupin had been standing in. Instead, when she hurtled through the doorway she found herself standing in the house's cavernous bathroom. And standing by the bathtub, watching it fill with water, was her father.
He looked up and locked eyes with his petrified daughter.
"You've been very naughty, Mairead," he growled in his Irish brogue. "You know what tha' means."
"No," Mairead tried to yell but it just came out as a whisper. "Please, Daddy. Don't. I'm sorry."
"It's too late for 'sorry's,'" said Kenneth, rolling up his sleeves. "It's bathtime."
Mairead whipped around and grabbed the doorknob with both hands, but it just turned uselessly in her hands. When her father spoke again, his voice came from directly behind her.
"Let's see you defend yourself now."
Mairead's eyes snapped open. She struggled up from her supine position and realized immediately that she was at Hogwarts, not Armagh. She was in her bed, and she could feel that both she and her twisted, tangled bedsheets were soaked in cold sweat. For a moment all she could hear was the pounding of her own heart and her rapid breathing. Then, she heard the sound that must have triggered the nightmare.
One of the other girls had left the door separating the bathroom from the dormitory open and was drawing a bath.
Mairead let her elbows relax and she collapsed back into her pillows. She tried to take deep, slow breaths.
She reached out a hand and fumbled around on the top of her bedside table until her fingers closed on her watch. There was enough ambient light spilling from the bathroom for Mairead to see that it was one in the morning.
Now that she was awake, her initial confusion about wheres and whens cleared. This was early Monday morning. She still had one week before exam week. Her Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. would take place the following Thursday, after her Transfiguration, Charms, and Potions N.E.W.T.s and an hour before her Muggle Studies N.E.W.T.
Mairead had gone to bed early, completely knackered and thinking it might be best to get a good night's sleep and start fresh with revising for her exams the next day. With a heavy sigh, she kicked herself free from her sheets and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. She knew all too well that she wouldn't be able to sleep peacefully now. Not after a bath dream.
Curling her fingers around her wand and taking courage from its reassuring warmth, Mairead shuffled off to the Common Room, resigned to another sleepless night.
...
Mairead and Professor Lupin had agreed to meet every night the week before her exams. She had even called out of work at the library on Friday evening and spoken to Professor Sprout about being excused from greenhouse work on Tuesday evening.
"I don't want to take away from your time revising for your other subjects," Professor Lupin had said, and Mairead had assured him that she would just be off revising for Defense on her own, anyway. She had developed something of a tunnel vision when it came to sitting for her Defense O.W.L. She hoped it would not be to the detriment of her other exams, but it was too late to look back now.
They had spent Monday and Tuesday evenings combing through every book they could get their hands on that might hold the key to defeating a boggart without the use of the Boggart Banishing Spell. Nothing they had tried had worked, and after Mairead had faced the boggart version of her father three times on Tuesday evening with no success, Professor Lupin had been forced to end their meeting thirty minutes early because Mairead had dissolved into a panic attack.
Even a full day later, Mairead's heart felt as though it were beating a tattoo inside her chest as she approached Lupin's office on Wednesday evening, dreading facing the boggart yet again.
Professor Lupin looked up from the heavy tome he had been reading from before she could knock. He gave her a smile, but something was hiding behind the smile that made Mairead furrow her brow.
"What's wrong?" she asked by way of greeting.
Lupin suppressed a sigh. "Have a seat, May," he said quietly, nodding towards her usual chair.
Mairead's heart gave a little flutter that had nothing to do with her nerves and everything to do with the fact that Professor Lupin had in recent weeks begun using her nickname more and more regularly, and she loved it more than she could stand.
She took a seat and repeated her question. "What's the matter?"
Lupin appeared reluctant to look her in the eye, but forced himself to meet her gaze.
"You're not going to like what I'm about to say," he admitted slowly. "But I ask that you please keep an open mind."
"Okay..." she said slowly.
Professor Lupin took a deep breath. "I've just been reviewing the W.E.O.'s test-taking rules," he began, "and there's something in here that I think you ought to consider."
Mairead waited in silence for him to continue. He reached a hand up and massaged the bridge of his nose once, then twice.
"Students are allowed to forfeit a specific part of their test, if the task that has been set proves to be insurmountable," said Lupin. "They will receive a zero for only that portion of the test, and are allowed to continue on with the rest of the test. All they have to do," he continued, "is say 'I forfeit this portion of the test,' and they can move on to the next task. I want to be clear: they can still pass the test - with very respectable marks - even if they forfeit one part of the test. It would just be like getting a question wrong on the written exam."
He fell silent and waited for Mairead's response.
"So is what you're saying that I could forfeit the boggart portion of the practical exam?" Mairead asked.
Lupin nodded, watching her closely.
"And is that what you would recommend I do?" she continued.
Lupin hesitated, then, resolutely maintaining eye contact, he said, "Yes."
Mairead considered this for a few moments. "But, like," she said, "I'd still be able to pass the test? Even if I skipped the Boggart Banishing part?"
"If you did well enough on the remainder of the exam, then yes," Lupin answered carefully. "You would still be able to pass the test."
Mairead drummed her fingertips on the arm of her chair thoughtfully. After thinking it over, she nodded. "Yeah, that makes sense."
Professor Lupin's eyebrows twitched upwards. "You're okay with that?" he asked, sounding surprised.
Mairead knitted her brow. "Well, yeah," she said dubiously. "Shouldn't I be? You're recommending it, aren't you?"
"I just... I assumed your pride would be hurt," Lupin admitted.
A corner of Mairead's mouth twitched. "Pride?" she joked. "What pride?"
Lupin snorted.
"No, it makes sense," said Mairead more seriously. "Especially since I could bungle the rest of the test if I lose my head over the boggart and can't focus after that."
Professor Lupin broke eye contact at that, and Mairead could tell he had been thinking the same thing.
"It makes sense," Mairead repeated. "It's a good plan."
"I keep forgetting you're a Hufflepuff," Lupin said, sounding amused. "A Gryffindor would've fought me tooth and nail on this."
Mairead raised an eyebrow, unimpressed. "Yeah, and Gryffindors would rather set fire to their own heads than light a candle if someone else suggested it."
Professor Lupin let out a surprised laugh. "I'm going to try not to take that personally," he said wryly.
...
The rest of the week flew by in a flurry of classes, revision, meetings with Lupin, and late-night cram sessions. Pots of magically-replenishing, always hot tea and coffee had appeared in the Hufflepuff Common Room, and caffeine quickly replaced sleep not only for Mairead, but for her fellow Seventh Years and many of the Fifth Years as well. Cedric and Mairead took turns quizzing one another from their textbooks. They took comfort in one another's presence, even if they were both so stressed they couldn't take the time to enjoy the companionship the other provided.
At least I'll get to be with Cedric when I sit for Defense, Mairead thought to herself.
Finally, exam week arrived. On Monday morning, Mairead nibbled at a piece of dry toast and took small sips of tea, certain that anything more than that would come right back up in the middle of her Transfiguration N.E.W.T.
She fervently hoped that she would somehow be able to avoid getting Professor Marchbanks for any of her exams. Mairead was still burning with resentment for something the wizened witch had said to her two years ago when taking her Charms O.W.L.
The witch had looked at her sharply when Mairead stated her name.
"O'Keefe..." the older witch had said darkly. "Oh, yes, I am very familiar with your line."
Mairead had swallowed nervously and wiped her sweaty palms on her robes.
"You're the Squib, aren't you?" Professor Marchbanks had asked coldly.
Mairead had nodded, feeling a prick of resentment at the tone of the older witch's voice.
Professor Marchbanks's lip had curled unpleasantly. "If you ask me, the children of Death Eaters ought to be locked up in the same cells as their parents. If you ask me," she had continued, "the daughter of Kenneth O'Keefe being a Squib is proof of a just God."
Before she had been able to stop herself, Mairead had shot back, "Yeah, that sounds pretty on message for a God who would leave a completely defenseless eight year old in the care of a sadistic, abusive murderer."
Professor Marchbanks had looked at her for a long, silent moment, during which Mairead had glared defiantly at the test administrator.
When Marchbanks had finally begun the test, she had been mercilessly harsh. Mairead figured she must have done spectacularly well on the written portion of the exam, because she still managed to scrape an Exceeds Expectations out of the experience.
Mairead wasn't sure how exactly her stars aligned so fortunately, but she managed to get through her Transfiguration, Charms, and Potions N.E.W.T.s without being paired with Professor Marchbanks.
As was always the case for her when it came to test-taking, Mairead had absolutely no idea how she did. When she walked, jelly-legged and light-headed, out of her practical Potions N.E.W.T. on Wednesday afternoon, she knew that the relief she would feel at the exams being over would be short-lived, almost immediately to be replaced by trepidation over the grades she wouldn't receive for another week following that.
Thursday morning dawned bright, sunny, and warm. Mairead felt as though the weather were mocking her inability to enjoy the glorious day. Mairead and Cedric had stayed in the Common Room together all night. They had traded back and forth taking cat naps in their chairs while the other kept an eye on the time and awoke them when they requested.
When Mairead and the entire Fifth Year class were called into the Entrance Hall to sit for the written portion of the Defense Against the Dark Arts exam, she and Cedric were separated and assigned alphabetical seating. Mairead was able to crane her neck and see Cedric. With an unpleasant drop in her stomach, she saw that he was seated next to Roger Davies.
With a small shake of her head, she determinedly put Roger out of her mind. After all of the work she had put into this, there was no way she was going to let him distract her and ruin her shot at this.
Though she couldn't be sure, Mairead suspected that she had done fairly well on the written portion of the exam. Owing to the sloppy, scattershot teaching of the subject by previous teachers, Professor Lupin had wound up revisiting nearly the entire curricula from Fifth through Seventh Years in her class.
Cedric also felt he had done well on the exam. Mairead knew that he had been most concerned about the written portion of the Defense O.W.L., the complete opposite to her. As a result, Cedric enjoyed a hearty lunch in between the written and practical exams, while Mairead took tiny sips of ice water and breathed through her mouth, convinced that even the smell of food would make her sick.
They waited together in the chamber off the Entrance Hall for the practical exam. Cedric was called in well before Mairead was, and the two embraced in a crushing hug.
"You'll be brilliant," Cedric said earnestly.
"So will you," said Mairead, still able to smile for her best friend despite her fear for herself.
Mairead waited alone now, quivering as the students were slowly called in. By the time they got to the I's her legs would no longer support her, and she slid down one of the walls to sit on the ground. Her face felt hot and cold at the same time, and her hands felt clammy.
"Hey," a voice said in front of her.
Mairead looked up to see the Fifth Year Gryffindor girl whose hair Mairead had held at the Quidditch Cup party.
"Oh, hey!" she said in surprise. She desperately hoped the girl wouldn't remember her name, because Mairead definitely could not remember hers.
"I just wanted to wish you good luck," the girl said. "I think it's amazing what you're doing. A lot of us have been rooting for you all term."
She gestured over her shoulder at a group of Gryffindor Fifth Years who were looking curiously at her.
"We all just want you to kick absolute arse in there," the girl continued.
Mairead's throat felt tight, but she was able to choke out, "Thank you. Thank you so much."
The girl smiled and walked back towards her friends.
"You, too!" Mairead called at the girl's retreating back. She turned and looked curiously at Mairead.
"I hope you all kick arse, too," Mairead said.
The group of Gryffindors all gave her enormous smiles. Several of them waved.
Mairead found herself smiling widely in spite of her nervousness. She was still feeling buoyed - even almost feeling brave - when she heard, "O'Keefe, Mairead," as the last in the list of names that was called.
Mairead looked up, somewhat surprised that the man had pronounced her name correctly. When she rose to her feet, still feeling quite wobbly, and walked over to the door, she realized why.
Professor Lupin was the man calling out students' names. In her advanced state of nervousness, she hadn't even recognized her favourite voice in the entire world.
She stood at the back of the queue with the other four students as Professor Lupin directed them to various tables inside the Great Hall. Lupin gave a quick look around when she drew near him to make sure no one was watching, then placed both hands on her shoulders.
"You're going to astound them," he said in a low voice.
"Now, there's a word that can go either way," she managed to joke.
Lupin chuckled, then sobered quickly. "I am so proud of you," he said quietly.
Mairead blinked rapidly, touched by his words but determined not to cry. "I'm so scared," she admitted in a shaky voice.
Lupin hesitated for a moment, then pulled her in for a very quick hug. "Just show them what you've shown me," he said into her hair. "They'll love you. They won't be able to help themselves."
"Will I see you after?" she asked when he had pulled away.
Lupin shook his head. "No, I'm afraid as soon as I'm done here I've got to dash off to administer my Second Years' final exam," he said. "But come by my office this evening and tell me how it went."
Before Mairead could answer, Lupin was looking over his shoulder into the Great Hall. "You'll be with Professor Tofty," he said, pointing to the wizard.
She nodded. She had so much she wanted to say to Professor Lupin, but all she could get out was, "Thanks."
With a final smile shared between professor and student, Mairead huffed out a breath and walked over to the table where Professor Tofty waited.
Mairead had had Tofty for her practical Transfiguration O.W.L. She had been awarded an E. She hoped he would be as easily impressed this time, as well.
"Good afternoon," Professor Tofty said when she stepped up to his table. She noticed that there was a long scroll of parchment, a rather large briefcase, and a small mountain of quills piled on the table.
"Good afternoon, Professor Tofty," she responded quietly.
"State your name, please," said Tofty, picking up the parchment and peering down his nose at the list of names.
"Mairead O'Keefe," she said.
Tofty's bushy eyebrows went up. "Ah, yes," he said, looking up at her. "You're the Seventh Year."
Mairead nodded.
"This is your first time attempting the Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L., is it not?" Tofty asked.
Mairead nodded again, throat too tight to speak.
"I understand that we may see some unconventional spellwork from you today, is that correct?"
Mairead nodded once more, and this time choked out, "Yes, sir."
"Well, I eagerly look forward to seeing how you do, Miss O'Keefe," said Tofty warmly. "Let us begin."
Mairead withdrew her wand and waited. Her heart was pounding so loudly she worried she might not be able to hear Tofty's instructions over the sound.
Professor Tofty informed her that the first spell she would be required to overcome would be the Airborne Flagrante Curse.
He raised his wand and incanted, "Flagro!"
Three perfectly spherical fireballs blasted out of the end of Tofty's wand and shot straight at Mairead. She raised her wand and cried, "Glacius!"
The balls of fire turned into something resembling hailstones. They fell to the ground and shattered, scattering ice all over the floor.
Professor Tofty's white eyebrows twitched. "Fascinating," he muttered. "Next, you will be tested on your ability to block an attack."
Mairead adjusted her stance. Turning her body the way Professor Lupin had taught her, she created a low profile and stood with a straight back and taut stomach.
Professor Tofty shook his wrists to clear his long, billowing sleeves out of the way as he took aim. "Oppugno!" he said.
The quills Mairead had noticed piled on the table earlier all rose into the air as one. Slowly, they turned until their needle-sharp ends were pointed at her. Then, they shot themselves through the air at her like arrows.
"Spongify!" Mairead called out the Softening Charm just as the first of the quills made contact with her skin. One by one, they bounced off her body like rubber balls and fell limply to the floor.
Professor Tofty looked, quite frankly, delighted. He continued to test her ability to defend herself against various spells and seemed to grow more enthralled with Mairead's unique brand of defensive magic.
For her part, Mairead was pleasantly surprised that Professor Tofty told her what she would be tested on before each spell. When she had dueled with Professor Lupin, he had just volleyed spells at her left, right, and center, most recently without giving her the benefit of his verbalizing them. Were it not for her screeching nerves, this would almost seem easy by comparison.
In between spells, Mairead noticed that one of the Gryffindor Fifth Years who had waved at her in the staging chamber had finished up his test at the next table over. He gave her a subtle grin and a thumbs up as he passed. Mairead flashed him a smile. Out of the corner of her eye, Mairead saw the test administrator look off towards the entrance to the Great Hall and hold up a finger as if telling somebody to wait. Then, they wandered over to stand next to Professor Tofty. When the other administrator, an elderly witch with more wrinkle than face, came into Mairead's direct line of sight, Mairead's smile vanished.
It was Professor Marchbanks. She stood shoulder to shoulder with Professor Tofty, hands folded behind her back, and watched Mairead, face unreadable. She watched in silence as Mairead tackled jinxes, hexes, and curses in her unconventional way. She did not appear to be nearly as impressed as Professor Tofty.
"Well, the next task," Professor Tofty told Mairead, "is the Boggart Banishing Spell." He rested a hand on the latch to the briefcase on the table.
"I wish to forfeit this portion of the test," Mairead said immediately. She had practiced this line in her head over and over again in the staging chamber, terrified she would say the wrong thing.
"Very well," said Professor Tofty, looking slightly disappointed. "In that case -"
"No."
Profoessor Tofty and Mairead both looked at Professor Marchbanks, who had spoken up at last.
Mairead blinked at Professor Marchbanks, mind blank with dread. "But..." she said. "But I was told I could forfeit this portion of the test." She felt stupid for repeating the exact phrasing she had used earlier.
Professor Marchbanks regarded her impassively. "You can only forfeit once you have made at least one unsuccessful attempt," she said evenly.
Mairead noticed that Professor Tofty shot Professor Marchbanks a sharp, confused look, and she suspected that this was a rule Professor Marchbanks had concocted on the spot.
"Let's see what you are truly afraid of," Marchbanks murmured thoughtfully.
Mairead could feel her breath coming quicker as panic set in. She was completely unprepared for this. None of the spells she and Professor Lupin had tried had had any success in fending off the boggart. She shot a nervous look around her and saw that all of the other tables were filled with students. She would have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. She craned her neck and tried to catch Professor Lupin's eye off in the distance, but he was focused on shepherding students to their various test stations and didn't see her.
It seemed to take Professor Tofty ages to unclasp the latch to the briefcase. Mairead desperately flipped through every spell she knew. All of her work - all of Professor Lupin's time, expertise, and dedication - it would all be a waste if Professor Tofty unleashed the boggart on her and she lost her head. She wanted to cry. She imagined having to go to Professor Lupin and apologize to him for being such a failure. She wished she had never agreed to Lupin's tutelage. She regretted every choice that had led up to this moment. Her breath hitched as her mind went back to the very first lesson with Professor Lupin; the first time she had allowed herself to hope for this moment.
Bitterly, she thought to herself that the hope was likely just the result of Lupin's Cheering Charm. He had said he'd overdone it. She hadn't been able to stop -
With a gasp, Mairead was jolted back to the present. She had no time to think about what she was about to do, but just as Professor Tofty raised the lid of the briefcase, she pointed her wand at herself, focused all of her power, and cast the strongest, most over-the-top Cheering Charm on herself that she possibly could.
She immediately felt the effects of the charm. It was still reality; she still understood her circumstances, but it was as if she was looking at things through a strong, Giddiness filter.
Her father clambered out of the briefcase and dropped to the floor in front of her. She was still absolutely terrified. Every nerve screamed at her to turn tail and run as fast as she could. But at the same time... it had been kind of funny to watch a full-grown man climb out of a briefcase.
A nervous giggle bubbled out of her at the sight of him. His head shot up and he glared at her, eyes burning with murderous fire.
"Did you just LAUGH AT ME?!" he bellowed at her.
Mairead stumbled backwards away from him. But she also held up a finger to her lips.
"Shh, we're taking a test," she said before she could stop herself.
It was then that she realized the utter absurdity of the situation she found herself in. She was scolding her father for being overly loud in a room full of boggarts. Before she could suppress it, a snort of laughter escaped her.
Kenneth O'Keefe slowly reached a hand into his robes. He withdrew his wand and leveled it at Mairead's forehead.
"I'll teach you to laugh at me," he said in a low growl.
Terror washed over Mairead in a thick, impenetrable blanket. Now was usually when she started screaming and begging. But she could feel her fear mixing with the effects of the Cheering Charm, and just as her father opened his mouth to curse her, she opened her own mouth and out came, not a shriek or a plea, but a bout of petrified, hysterical laughter.
Kenneth O'Keefe stumbled. Nothing made him angrier than when he felt he looked bad in public. Mairead's knowledge of this only heightened her state of panic, which, when combined with the robust Cheering Charm, only caused her laughter to become more shrill. She retained enough self-awareness to realize that this was not at all her normal laughter. The unnatural sound of it only heightened her reaction, and she was soon clutching her stomach in terrified mirth.
With one final curl of his lip, Boggart Kenneth exploded into a thousand wisps of smoke.
Mairead was vaguely aware of Professor Tofty congratulating her. She was still letting out shrieks of horrified laughter. She couldn't control herself enough to verbalize Finite Incantatum, so she simply pointed her wand at herself and cast the spell nonverbally.
The Cheering Charm's effect dissipated into thin air just as the boggart had. Mairead was still doubled over from her uncontrollable laughter. She realized that her entire body was trembling and she wanted nothing more than to dissolve into tears, but she forced herself to get a grip. She had come so far; she simply couldn't allow herself to fail now.
She straightened up and met Professor Marchbanks's gaze. The older witch looked as though she had been rendered speechless.
Shifting her gaze over to Professor Tofty, Mairead quietly asked, "What's next, Professor?"
It took all of Mairead's self-control to retain her focus through the remainder of the exam. After the boggart, Tofty's other tasks seemed simple, almost mundane. When he finally released her, she thanked both Tofty and Marchbanks for their time. Professor Marchbanks did not respond, but merely looked at her with the same evaluative expression Mairead remembered from two years before.
Professor Tofty, however, smiled warmly at her and said, "It has been a privilege bearing witness to your unique spellwork, Miss O'Keefe. My best wishes in your future endeavors."
Mairead floated away from the table in a daze. She stowed her wand in her robes and walked, weak-kneed, out of the Great Hall and out into the sunlight outside.
The day was just as bright, warm, and beautiful as it had promised to be that morning when Mairead had jealously resented the sight of the gorgeous, inviting grounds. Now, however, the weather no longer seemed like it was mocking her. It seemed like it was celebrating her.
...
Mairead didn't have very long to bask in her relief. She still had one final exam to take, so after only a few minutes wandering the grounds and enjoying the fresh air and beautiful day, Mairead turned and headed back to the castle to sit for her Muggle Studies exam.
There was no practical component to the Muggle Studies N.E.W.T. Instead, students were required to take a lengthy exam as well as write an essay on the spot. Mairead had been writing practice essays for weeks using prompts she had found in a library book, Motivation for Muggle Mastery!
Mairead had always felt as though she didn't test particularly well (or perhaps she tested quite accurately and her abilities were simply meagre to begin with). As a result, she was shaky and clammy when she re-entered the Great Hall to sit for her final N.E.W.T., even though this was easily her best subject. She lost her head for a good half a minute when the test began, overwhelmed by the seemingly endless number of questions, many of which were open response. After a few deep breaths, she told herself to take the test one question at a time, picked up her quill, and began.
When she had finally worked her way through the exam questions, Mairead checked her wristwatch and saw that she only had half an hour left in the testing period in which to write her essay. Fortunately, Mairead found the prompt to be highly interesting: "Describe the differences between Muggle education and Wizarding education. Are there any similarities? Is there any value to be taken from a Muggle education?" Once she had noted the differences in broad strokes, she drew similarities between Muggle History classes and History of Magic classes at Hogwarts, and made the argument that schools of witchcraft would do well to take a page out of Muggle educators' books by providing Home Economics lessons as well as teaching the arts to promote well-rounded, cultured witches and wizards. She had just enough time to go back over the essay and correct spelling errors. She was actually quite proud of the finished product.
When Professor Burbage announced that time was up and asked the students to turn in their exams, Mairead was hit hard by a sudden realization: she was done. Her education at Hogwarts was over.
She handed her exam and essay over to Professor Burbage, who seemed to know what was going on inside Mairead's head. She gave Mairead a watery smile and pulled her in for a tight hug.
"It has been such a pleasure, Mairead," she said, her voice throbbing with emotion.
Mairead's throat suddenly felt very tight. She promised to keep in touch with Professor Burbage, then turned and quickly left the Great Hall, worried that she would burst into tears.
Her feet automatically carried her through the Entrance Hall and out the castle doors into the outside world. She was completely lost in thought, dazed by the weight of the knowledge that, by this time next week, she would have her exam results and be a fully qualified witch.
Or not.
Mairead had expected to feel a burst of relief and joy at the conclusion to her exams, but instead she felt an explosion of anxiety. What was she going to do with her life? What was she going to do for work? Where would she live?
She was so deep in thought that she nearly crashed into someone. As it was, the man snapped, "Watch where you're going!" and she jumped out of the way just in time.
She looked up, startled out of her reverie, and felt certain that her heart had stopped.
For a moment, she thought that she had somehow become trapped in one of her nightmares. Or perhaps that a boggart was loose on the grounds and had decided to try something new. Because the tall, muscular man she had almost run into was someone straight out of her worst memories.
It took him a few seconds, but eventually recognition lit in Walden Macnair's dark brown eyes.
"Well, well, well," he said softly. "You're Kenny O'Keefe's girl, aren't you?"
Dread filled every corner of Mairead's soul, but self-preservation took over and she heard herself breathe, "Yes, sir."
Mairead's heart had dropped to somewhere in her stomach and was thumping thickly. There simply wasn't any way that Macnair could possibly have forgotten that she had testified against him nine years before, was there?
Macnair twitched an eyebrow. "Pretty little thing, aren't you?" he said, smiling in a way that twisted Mairead's stomach and sent alarm shooting through all of her nerve endings. "I certainly wouldn't mind spending a little time alone with you."
"Who is your charming companion, Walden?" a voice spoke up from behind Macnair.
Mairead spared a short glance behind Macnair and noted, to her surprise and not as impressive an amount of relief as she would have liked, that Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic, and another ancient-looking wizard were working to close the distance between themselves and Macnair. The two older wizards appeared to be struggling somewhat in the sun and heat. Fudge himself was sweating profusely beneath his green bowler hat.
Macnair answered without taking his dark gaze off Mairead. "Just a relation of an old friend." He leaned closer and lowered his voice. "Don't think for one second I've forgotten you," he muttered darkly. "Oh, no. I certainly wouldn't mind spending some time alone with you."
Fudge, who had heard nothing of the latter half of Macnair's words, smiled his politician's smile at Mairead. "Ah, charmed," he said. "Lovely to meet you. Shame it couldn't be under better circumstances."
Fudge's words hardly registered with Mairead, but automation once again took over and she heard herself say, as if from a distance, "Oh?"
Fudge nodded gravely. "Yes, I'm afraid we've been called here to see to the execution of a dangerous hippogriff."
Somewhere in a back corner of her mind, Mairead remembered that Buckbeak, Hagrid's hippogriff she had been helping Hermione, Harry, and Ron build a defense for, was scheduled to have his appeal today. Hagrid must have lost the appeal.
Fudge must have been slightly put off by her lack of a response. He shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other, then said, "Well, I think we should probably be getting back to the castle. We'll be back out here at sunset. Pleasure to meet you Miss...?" he trailed off expectantly.
Without being able to tear her gaze away from the terrifying vision from her past, Mairead faintly supplied, "O'Keefe."
"Oh."
The shift in Fudge's tone of voice was noticeable even to Mairead, distracted as she was. The Minister of Magic cleared his throat and recovered quickly. He tipped his head genteelly to Mairead, said, "Miss O'Keefe," and continued towards the castle. The other old man followed in his tracks, but Macnair didn't move. The two regarded each other in tense silence until the spine-chilling smile once again curled Macnair's lips.
"Until we meet again," he said. His silky smooth tone did not appear to rouse Fudge's suspicions at all, though Mairead could hear, clear as a bell, the deadly promise that lay hidden in his words.
At long last, Macnair turned and followed the other two Ministry officials back up to the castle. Mairead stayed frozen in place for several long minutes, shaking like a rabbit who had narrowly escaped the jaws of a fox. When she was able to make herself move, she took off for the castle, raced to the Hufflepuff Basement, and, just as she had as a child when Macnair had come over to visit her father, Mairead hid under her bed for the rest of the afternoon.
...
Fudge had said that he, Macnair, and the other man were due to go back outside at sunset, and so Mairead waited until the last blood-red streaks of sky had faded into hues of blue and indigo before emerging from her dormitory. Remembering that Professor Lupin had asked her to come by his office that evening, she cautiously poked her head out of the earthen passageway and into the corridor, had a look around, and verified that the corridor was deserted before setting off at a brisk trot for the second floor.
She had missed dinner, and so she hoped that Professor Lupin would offer her some tea while they talked. As she walked, her mind returned to what Professor Lupin had said to her right before her exam that afternoon.
"Just show them what you've shown me... They'll love you. They won't be able to help themselves."
He had been holding her in his arms as he had said it. Her stomach fluttered pleasantly at the memory. Was he trying to tell her something? If she deconstructed his words, the logic path told her that anyone who could see in her what he saw would love her. And since he obviously could see what he, himself, saw in her, did that mean that he...?
The fluttering in her stomach increased as she allowed herself to consider the possibility that Professor Lupin had come to return her feelings.
Maybe he's asked me to his office to ask me out.
She shook her head and banished the thought as soon as it rose to the surface of her mind. Professor Lupin was a professional, and she was his student. There was simply no way that he could possibly be interested in her.
But a week from now I won't be his student anymore...
She wondered if she could be bold enough to ask him out. The thought burst less than a second after it occurred to her. Definitely not. The best she could hope for was that they could continue to see each other in a professional capacity. Professor Lupin had mentioned the possibility of her returning to Hogwarts to attempt an N.E.W.T. next year. Perhaps he would be willing to continue tutoring her.
She had settled on a decision to broach the subject when she saw him and was thinking over the best way to go about bringing it up when she arrived at his office. Lupin's door was wide open, and so Mairead was surprised when she stepped inside, looked around, and realized he was not there.
"Professor Lupin?" she called out uncertainly.
There was no answer.
Figuring that he must have stepped out for a moment, Mairead sat down on the couch and waited for him.
Five minutes went by, then ten. Mairead got to her feet and looked out into the corridor. There was no sign of Professor Lupin.
Frowning slightly, she busied herself by making them both a cup of tea. By the time it was done steeping another five minutes had gone by. Sipping at her tea, Mairead decided to browse Lupin's bookshelves, as she often did while waiting for him to finish up one thing or another. She pulled a couple of books off the shelves to read their descriptions, placing them carefully back where she had found them each time.
Finally, just as she was starting to think that she should leave, she heard footsteps approaching the office.
When she heard the footsteps pause in the doorway, Mairead said, without looking up from the book whose opening paragraph she was scanning, "I made you some tea, but it probably wants refreshing."
"How very domestic of you, Miss O'Keefe," said a voice that was absolutely not Professor Lupin's.
Mairead jumped and looked up, horribly startled. "Professor Snape!" she gasped.
Snape stood in the doorway, clutching a smoking goblet in his hand. He watched her coolly as she awkwardly tried to hold both her mug and the book in one hand while using the other hand to wipe spilled tea off her jumper.
"Where is Lupin?" he asked by way of greeting.
"I don't know," Mairead answered.
"I see." Snape arched an eyebrow. "And do you customarily make yourself at home in faculty members' offices whilst they are not present?"
"No, sir," Mairead replied quickly. "Professor Lupin asked me to meet with him. His door was open when I got here. I thought he'd be right back."
Please tell me he's not going to give me detention for this, she thought grimly to herself.
Snape assessed her for a moment in silence before "Hmm"-ing quietly to himself. He cast his gaze about Lupin's office, like he was scanning for evidence that she was lying. His eyes fell on Professor Lupin's desk.
Suddenly, a transfixed look came over Snape's face. An intense gleam shone in his eyes as he walked over to Lupin's desk as if captivated by something he saw there. Mairead watched as Snape snatched a tatty piece of parchment off Lupin's desk and held it up so close that his long, hooked nose was almost brushing the paper.
Mairead shifted nervously. A large part of her wanted to scold Snape for being intrusive, but a larger, cowardly part clamped her jaw shut and prevented her from protesting.
The gleam in Snape's expression grew until he looked slightly mad. His eyes swept over the parchment as though his eyes were ice-skating on the surface. An unnerving, unhinged looked came over Snape as his lips curled into a triumphant smile.
"I knew it," he breathed. "I've got you now, you filthy, mangy -"
"Professor Snape?" Mairead broke in. She wasn't at all sure what was going on, but she felt compelled to step in.
Snape looked up as though he had forgotten she was there. For a moment, his eyes flitted from Mairead, to the parchment in one hand, to the goblet in his other, and back to Mairead. Something about Snape's expression made Mairead feel very uneasy. She still felt completely in the dark, but something in Snape's expression seemed to click, and she didn't like it at all.
"I am needed elsewhere," said Snape silkily. "If you see Lupin, give him this for me."
Snape strode over to Mairead and thrust the still-steaming goblet into her hands. Mairead opened her mouth to protest, but found that she didn't know what she would even be protesting, and before she knew it, Snape had nodded at her and slipped out of the room. She couldn't be positive because the man moved so quietly, but she thought she heard him break into a run as soon as he was out of Professor Lupin's office. She hurried over to the door to try to see which way Snape was headed, but when she looked out, the corridor was empty.
Mairead stood in Professor Lupin's office doorway, completely flummoxed. Moving back into the room, she glanced up at the clock on the wall. She had been waiting for twenty-five minutes now. Whatever had called Lupin away must be urgent, Mairead figured. She decided to leave and come back the next day.
Mairead carefully replaced Lupin's book on the shelf, then vanished the contents of both mugs of tea. Finally, she went to place the goblet on Lupin's desk.
She had told herself that she wouldn't be nosy, that she was just looking for a quill and a spare bit of parchment so that she could leave Lupin a note, but she couldn't help but steal a glance at the piece of parchment that had kept Snape so enthralled.
Mairead's brow furrowed. The parchment appeared to be a map of some kind. Mouth slightly open, Mairead's eyes darted around the image as it occurred to her what she was looking at.
Professor Lupin had a map to Hogwarts. An extremely advanced map, at that. There were hundreds of labelled dots all around the map, many of which were moving. Most of the dots were clustered in four locations, which she quickly worked out were the Common Rooms of the four houses. She recognized the names of dozens of students. Using the houses as reference points, she was soon able to get her bearings on the whole castle. Her eyes went in search of Professor Lupin's office and she found her own name there next to the dot that represented her.
Did all of the teachers have a map of the school? But if they did, then why was Snape so shocked to see it there?
As she puzzled through this, one of the dots caught her eye. It was moving across the map faster than any of the others.
It was labelled Severus Snape.
Mairead watched as Snape's dot headed out of the castle and across the grounds, eventually disappearing off the edge. She searched the grounds for other dots and saw three dots near the edge of the Forbidden Forest.
Harry Potter. Hermione Granger. Buckbeak.
Buckbeak? Hadn't he been executed? And what the hell was he doing hiding in the woods with Hermione and Harry?
Unless...
Mairead jumped and let out a yelp of pain. She had been looking at the map so intently that she hadn't realized that the goblet in her right hand was slowly, slowly tilting until the steaming hot potion inside spilled over the brim of the goblet and cascaded over the back of her hand and her wrist.
Hissing through her teeth at the burning, she hastily set the goblet down on Lupin's desk and raised her hand to blow cool air across the burn.
That felt a little better. She sucked in a deep breath to do it again.
She was immediately revolted by the dreadful smell that assaulted her senses. Making a face of disgust, she coughed and snorted to try to rid her lungs and nostrils of the bitter, acrid odor.
No wonder Lupin has to choke this down, she thought. It smells like it's gone bad.
Mairead froze. Like it's gone bad... Slowly, unsure if she wanted to know the answer to the question that had just formed in her mind, she raised her hand once again to her nose and inhaled the foul scent. There was no mistaking the musty, repulsive odor.
There was monkshood in the potion.
She remembered the way the plant had smelled in Potions class. The unpleasant aroma took her effortlessly back to the day they had studied unlabelled potions in Snape's classroom.
Snape had said that monkshood was poisonous and only used in a few potions.
"Can you name them?" he had asked her.
"Well the Wideye Potion, for one," Mairead had answered at once. "Then there are some tinctures that use it for salves, and I think there's one more..." She had tried to jog her memory by saying the ingredient's name over and over in her head.
Aconite, aconite, aconite, monkshood, monkshood, monkshood, wolfsba-
"The Wolfsbane Potion."
Mairead felt light-headed and dizzy. It took her a few seconds to realize that this was because she had stopped breathing. Clutching the edge of Lupin's desk, she clumsily lowered herself into the chair she always sat in at Lupin's desk.
Maybe it's the Wideye Potion, she tried to convince herself. Lupin always looks super tired when he gets sick. He could probably use a pick-me-up.
But Wideye Potions were widely available at apothecaries and even some wizarding grocer's. Why would he need Snape to brew it specially for him? And given the comical amounts of sugar she had regularly witnessed Lupin casually dumping into his tea, why wouldn't he sweeten it?
Because sugar makes Wolfsbane Potion useless.
Passing a hand over her face, Mairead felt cold sweat on her upper lip. Trying to breathe steadily, she focused her mind as best she could.
Lupin had said he was born with his condition. Could you be born a werewolf?
No, her mind immediately answered. That was a question on the Defense O.W.L. exam this morning. Lycanthropy is only passed on through saliva-to-blood transmission.
So maybe she was wrong. Maybe this was something else.
Or maybe he lied to you.
Groaning softly, Mairead raked her hands through her hair and tried to think.
How often is he sick? she asked herself. It didn't take her long to recall the last time he had been ill. She had wound up screaming and crying at him.
That had been the second week in May. This was the second week in June.
She squeezed her eyes shut and wracked her brain as she tried to recall the time he had been sick before that. It had been the first time she had seen him drink this potion. She recalled that Snape had interrupted them in the middle of arguing about The Beatles. When had that been?
Mairead's eyes snapped open. It had been just before the Easter holidays. Which had been in the second week in April. The time before that had been in March, when her class had doubled up with the Ravenclaws.
"Oh, my God," she whispered.
A sudden memory flitted across her mind of the first time Lupin had been out. Though she had subsequently forgotten about the scornful way in which Snape had disparaged Lupin's teaching abilities (the more memorable thing about that class having been the way in which she had been attacked), she did recall thinking at the time how oddly specific Snape had been at one point, when he had said, "I covered for him twenty-nine days ago."
For a moment, Mairead wondered if she was going to be sick. Though Astronomy had been one of the many classes she had dropped in her fifth year in a last-ditch attempt to salvage her education at Hogwarts, she did recall that one of the first things they had learned about were the phases of the moon, and how it took twenty-nine days for it to go through a full cycle.
It took her a minute to work up the courage, but Mairead gripped the sides of the chair in her sweaty palms and shakily rose to her feet. She walked unsteadily over to Lupin's window, hesitated with her eyes closed, then forced herself to open them and look out.
A full moon was just beginning to make its ascent.
A sob of betrayal tore out of her throat. All of the evidence, all of the clues, and all of the lies began marching past her like some tormenting parade. She now recalled the Encyclopedia Game back in October, and how Lupin had almost immediately shouted out, "I don't know that!" when the entry on werewolves was being read.
It wasn't that he didn't know about them, she thought. It was that he wanted to change the subject.
She recalled his words when she had asked what the nature of his so-called "chronic condition" was - "It wouldn't be appropriate for me to share that with you," he had said.
Hell no, it wouldn't have been appropriate! Not if you wanted to keep your job. Not if you didn't want me running off and telling Dumbledore.
Mairead frowned then. That couldn't be right... The other faculty members must already know about Lupin. Professor Snape brought him the bloody Wolfsbane Potion every month, after all. And Snape clearly despised Lupin, so Dumbledore had to have been the one to see to it that Snape brewed it for Lupin.
Mairead's brain felt too full. She ducked her head and held it in her hands, trying to clear the deafening roaring in her ears. Her eyes fell once more on the map lying on Lupin's desk.
Wait a minute, she thought to herself. If Lupin's not here, then where is he?
A thousand questions exploded in her mind at once, and she hunched over the map, scanning it frantically. She once again found herself on the map, and her eyes shifted over a few inches to where Lupin's private quarters were located, just beyond the door next to the fireplace. Had he gone in there to transform?
No; the room was empty.
And where was Snape off to in such a hurry? She recalled his words - "I've got you now, you filthy, mangy -" - and a shiver of fear went down her spine. With a growing sense of dread, Mairead seized the map and began searching it frantically.
"Please let them be gone," she muttered under her breath as she scanned the map. "Please let the Committee members have already left."
She systematically searched the map, working her way up, floor by floor until she reached the seventh floor. With a sickening drop in the pit of her stomach, she saw the names Albus Dumbledore, Cornelius Fudge, Aloysius MacTruckle, and Walden Macnair in the space representing Dumbledore's office.
Something's wrong, she thought with absolute conviction. Lupin was supposed to be here in his office. It was the only place that made sense. She recalled how Lupin had hurried her out of his office last month. He couldn't possibly have had time to go someplace else before the moon rose. She recalled, too, the glint that had been in Snape's eye earlier. It had almost been murderous. She felt certain that Snape had gone looking for Lupin. And when he found him...
"He's going to hand him over to the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures," she breathed.
I've got to find him before Snape does.
Desperately, she fumbled for her wand. She had no idea how this map worked, but if it was as sophisticated as it appeared to be, there had to be some way to interact with it.
She smoothed the map out on the surface of Professor Lupin's desk. Touching the tip of her wand to its surface, she asked, "Where is Professor Lupin?"
Nothing happened. She tried again.
"Where on this map is Professor Lupin currently located?"
She searched the map, hoping to see one of the dots grow or change colors, but there was nothing.
Mairead huffed out a breath and made another attempt.
"Find Professor Lupin!" she commanded.
Her mouth opened and she let out a squeak of joy as writing began to scrawl along the bottom margin of the map.
Professor Lupin? PROFESSOR Lupin? Nice try, Moony.
Mairead furrowed her brow. "Moony?" she whispered. "Who the fuck is Moony?"
She hadn't intended the question for the map, but her wand was still touching the surface, and different handwriting soon scrawled on the map. This time, just one word appeared.
Language.
"I'm sorry," she said, feeling rather foolish for apologizing to a piece of parchment. "I'm looking for someone. Can you help me find Professor Lupin?"
A third set of handwriting now appeared.
Have you tried the faculty lounge? Perhaps "Professor" Lupin is in there.
Mairead lost her temper. "GODDAMMIT THIS ISN'T A JOKE!" she shouted. "I am looking for Remus Lupin! Born March tenth, nineteen sixty. Can you find him or not?!"
There was a pause, as though the parchment were considering her. Finally, the second set of handwriting reappeared.
Who wants to know?
Mairead hesitated. "A - a friend," she finally went with. "Please. He's in danger. Please help me." Her voice broke on her last sentence. This was beginning to feel completely futile, but she didn't know what else to do. Her fears for Professor Lupin overwhelmed her, and she bent her head and began to cry.
She desperately watched the parchment. After nearly half a minute went by, new words began to blossom on the page. Gasping, she wiped her eyes to clear them and read the words, this time in a fourth set of handwriting that looked strangely familiar to Mairead.
Now is not a good time to be looking for Remus Lupin, my friend.
Mairead exploded once more. "Yeah? Well the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures seems to think it's a fucking FABULOUS time to be looking for him! So unless you want them to find him first, please HELP ME!"
She didn't have long to wait. The first set of handwriting was back.
Remus John Lupin is not currently on Hogwarts grounds.
Then, without warning, the entire map went blank.
Mairead gave a cry of dismay and picked the map up.
"Come back!" she cried. "Come back, you have to help me!"
Nothing happened.
There was only one thing left that Mairead could think to do. She had to go to Dumbledore and warn him. Abandoning the now-useless piece of parchment on Lupin's desk, Mairead turned and started for the door. Her foot caught on the side of her chair and she stumbled and fell to the ground. The chair crashed over on top of her and she cried out as if she were being attacked.
Scrambling to her feet, not bothering to right the chair, she tore out of the room, fear giving wings to her feet as she sprinted for Dumbledore's office.
She didn't allow herself to slow even slightly, not when her lungs couldn't supply her with enough oxygen, not when her heart felt like it was about to burst, not even when her legs screamed in protest as she took the five staircases between Lupin's office and Dumbledore's two stairs at a time.
When she arrived at the gargoyle guarding the staircase to Dumbledore's office, she immediately began rattling off every sweet thing she could think of.
"Cockroachclusterschocolatefrogspumpkinpastiesfizzingwhizzbeesicemiceacidpops... pumpkin juice, butterbeer... cauldron cakes... er... candy necklaces -"
The gargoyle sprang to life and hopped out of the way. Mairead leapt onto the moving staircase and nearly fell as she hurled herself up them. She pounded her fist on the door when she arrived at the top, scarcely aware of the howling stitch in her side.
The door swung open of its own accord. Four pairs of eyes all turned and looked at Mairead. Macnair's eyes glittered and his lips curled into a frightening smile when he saw her, and Mairead involuntarily took a step backwards.
"Good evening, Mairead," Professor Dumbledore said pleasantly. "What can I do for you?"
"I need to speak with you, sir," said Mairead faintly. She struggled to tear her eyes away from Macnair's dark brown stare, but when she did she fixed Dumbledore with a look of such desperation that the old wizard rose to his feet at once.
"Would you gentlemen please excuse me for a moment?" he said. Without waiting for a response, Dumbledore crossed the room and followed Mairead out onto the landing outside his office.
Once he had closed the door softly, Dumbledore turned to Mairead and regarded her gravely. "I'm sorry you had to see Macnair, Mairead," he apologized. "I wasn't expecting you."
Mairead ignored his apology and spoke in a whisper. "I don't know where Professor Lupin is, sir."
Professor Dumbledore looked politely puzzled. "It's rather late, Mairead," he said breezily. "Why don't you try again in the morning?"
Mairead shook her head and shot a nervous look at the door. "No, you don't understand, Professor Dumbledore," she breathed even more quietly. "I don't know where Professor Lupin is."
Professor Dumbledore looked piercingly at her. "Professor Lupin is probably in his office, Mairead," he said firmly. "But I shouldn't bother him tonight if I were you. I think he mentioned he wasn't feeling well."
"Is that where he usually spends... nights like these?" asked Mairead, raising her eyebrows significantly. "Because he isn't in his office or his quarters and the moon is going to rise any minute now."
She had lowered her voice to the point that it was barely audible, but Dumbledore must have heard her, because realization dawned on the Headmaster's face. "Who else knows what you've just told me?" he whispered.
"No one. Please sir, you can't let the Committee find out. They'll kill him. Please," she whispered urgently, tears pricking her eyes.
"I'll handle the Committee," Dumbledore said in such a low voice that Mairead had to lean in to hear him. "If you would, please go to Professor McGonagall's office. Tell her what you've just told me. Then go to your dormitory and do not come out again until sunrise. Do you understand me?"
"Yes, sir, I understand," said Mairead.
With a final nod from the Headmaster, she turned and set off at once for the Deputy Headmistress's office.
...
Mairead spent a restless night tossing and turning in her bed. Professor McGonagall had assured her that she and Dumbledore would handle everything, but Mairead had hidden in the shadows after leaving the Head of Gryffindor's office and had watched the older witch immediately set off and begin raising wards and casting protection spells on the castle's entrance and first-story windows. It seemed to Mairead that McGonagall was more intent on keeping Professor Lupin out than on keeping the Committee in.
She had eventually returned to her Common Room as Dumbledore had instructed her. An end-of-term celebration appeared to be going on, in which the whole house seemed to be participating. She had waved off Cedric's concerned questions with an excuse of being exhausted from exams and had excused herself to bed after only a few minutes.
She had lain awake for hours, wondering where Lupin was, whether he was safe, and whether Dumbledore had succeeded in convincing Fudge and the Committee to leave.
Eventually exhaustion had taken hold of her and she had fallen into a fitful sleep. She had nightmares about chasing dots labelled Walden Macnair and Cornelius Fudge around the castle, which appeared as badly drawn illustrations on parchment paper. She dreamt that she was walking up to the table in the Great Hall to take her Defense O.W.L. again, only to find that Professor Tofty wasn't administering the exam; Macnair was. She dreamt that she was in the library helping Hermione, Harry, and Ron research legal precedent, but when she held up a news article and said, "This ought to help Buckbeak" Hermione looked at her in confusion and said, "Buckbeak? He's already dead. Now we're trying to help Professor Lupin. He's scheduled to be executed at dawn."
Mairead snapped awake with a gasp. Her heart was racing so hard that she had to gasp for air for several long moments before she had the strength to sit up. She checked her watch and saw to her surprise that it was already nine o'clock.
She threw aside the bed hangings. Francie and Statia were both still asleep, so she tried to be quiet as she rushed around getting dressed.
Mairead hurried to the Great Hall, anxious to speak to Professor Dumbledore or McGonagall, but they were both already gone by the time she arrived. Disappointed, she sank into a chair. She figured she should probably eat something, having eaten hardly anything the day before. She buttered herself some toast and listened in on the surrounding conversations. There was a lot of excited chatter going on, which Mairead assumed to be end-of-term plans to visit Hogsmeade until she heard something that caught her attention.
"How d'you reckon he escaped this time?"
"I heard he tamed a unicorn from the Forbidden Forest."
"That's ridiculous. Unicorns wouldn't work with dark wizards like Black. It must've been a thestral."
"Do you think he'll be back?"
"Nah. He came too close to getting caught this time. I heard he fought the Minister of Magic himself!"
Mairead turned to a nearby Third Year named Ernie MacMillan. "What's going on?" she asked him.
"Haven't you heard?" said Ernie in his usual pompous manner. "Snape caught Sirius Black last night!"
Mairead's mouth fell open. "What?" she exclaimed. "When? Where?"
"Out on the grounds!" said Ernie. "Black had gone after Potter like we all knew he would. Knocked Potter out cold. Reckon he was just about to finish him off when Snape stepped in. Saved Potter and captured Black, but Black managed to escape before the dementors could give him the kiss."
So Snape wasn't going after Lupin after all, Mairead thought. I was just overreacting. Relief washed over her like a cool, soothing blanket and she breathed easily for the first time since the previous night.
"Holy shit," she said conversationally to Ernie. She could feel her mood skyrocketing and she found herself smiling despite the news of another near-fatal attack from Sirius Black.
Ernie nodded in agreement. "Too bad Lupin didn't find Black first," he said thoughtfully. "He could've finished him off clean, dementors or no."
Mairead snapped her head around to look at Ernie. "What do you mean?" she asked sharply.
"Oh, you didn't hear about that, either?" Ernie asked, plainly delighted to be the bearer of so much juicy gossip. "Yeah, turns out Professor Lupin's a werewolf." Ernie allowed himself an indulgent shiver. "Word got out this morning. I must say, Lupin doesn't strike me as being the sort who'd be a dangerous creature like a werewolf. Kind of disappointing, like. Hey, where are you going?"
Mairead had risen to her feet and set off without so much as a "good day" to Ernie. She tried to look casual as she left the Great Hall, but she broke into a run as soon as she was out in the Entrance Hall. She hared off for Professor Lupin's office, no thought in her mind other than that she had to see him.
She skidded to a stop in front of his door, which was open. Lupin turned, alerted to her presence, no doubt, by the racket she had made racing down the corridor, but she didn't meet his gaze. She was too distracted by the sight before her.
Lupin's grindylow tank was empty and sitting on the floor next to several boxes that were stacked in a corner. Several of his bookcases had been emptied and there was a pile of books on his coffee table next to another box that was clearly waiting to be filled with them. Mairead's breath caught in her throat as realization hit her.
He was leaving.
"No," she said simply, finally meeting his eyes. Lupin's eyes were guarded and his expression wary, like he wasn't sure what he could expect from her.
"I expect you've heard?" he said in a tense voice.
Mairead nodded.
"I'm sorry," he said.
Mairead stared at Lupin in disbelief. "No," she said again, feeling fire starting to grow in her belly. "No!"
She strode over to the pile of books on the coffee table and gathered as many into her arms as she could. Then, walking to the nearest empty bookcase, she began stacking them back on the shelves.
"Mairead," Lupin supplicated. "Stop."
"No!" she said stubbornly. She whirled around and headed for the stack of boxes. Pulling the top off one of them and dropping it carelessly to the floor, she reached in and grabbed Lupin's teapot in one hand and the two chipped mugs in her other.
"Mairead," Lupin repeated, but Mairead flashed her eyes dangerously at him.
"No," she snarled. "We'll fight this. I'll help you fight this." She sat the teapot and mugs down hard on one of his shelves and began looking around for other things to put to rights.
Lupin walked towards her and reached out a hand for her shoulder, but she danced away from him with another "No!" and headed back towards the pile of books. Lupin followed her across his office.
"Mairead -"
"They can't fire you!" she shouted at him, voice shaking with passion. "You've got rights!"
"I wasn't fired, Mairead. I resigned."
Mairead stopped, hands full of books, and looked at him. "You -" she began, "you what?"
"I resigned," Lupin repeated quietly.
Mairead gaped at him. "But why?" she whispered.
"You know why."
"Y-you're not even going to fight? You're not even going to try?" she asked faintly.
Lupin looked at her sadly. "This is the right decision," he said gently.
"N... no," said Mairead, shaking her head stubbornly. "No, it isn't."
She started towards another empty bookshelf, but Lupin intercepted her.
"Here," he said, reaching for the books in her arms.
"No," she said angrily, tightening her grip on the books and blinking tears out of her eyes. She knew she was being childish but she came nowhere close to caring.
"Come on, Mairead," Lupin insisted.
"No!" she took a step away from him and her back hit a bookcase.
"Please, Mairead -"
"It isn't fair!" she shouted. "It isn't f-"
Her voice abandoned her. She ducked her head and began weeping into the pile of books in her arms. Ever-so-gently, Lupin reached for the books and silently persuaded her to relinquish them. He set them aside on an empty shelf and as soon as his hands were free Mairead threw herself into his arms.
"It isn't fair, it isn't fair, it isn't fair, it isn't fair," she keened, hugging him tightly.
Lupin held her tenderly and let her cry herself out. Her heart hurt as though it were literally breaking. She could hear the steady thumping of his heart and inexplicably it made her cry even harder. Eventually, though, self-awareness returned to her and she pulled away from him.
"This is ridiculous," she hiccoughed. "You're the one who's leaving and you're comforting me."
Lupin chuckled quietly. "That's perfectly all right with me," he said, reaching into a pocket and offering her a neatly folded handkerchief. "If I can be honest... I'm just relieved you don't hate me. Or fear me."
"I'm not afraid of you!" said Mairead, indignant on his behalf. Lupin shrugged.
"You've been alone with a werewolf all term and you didn't know it," he said, sounding guilty. "Most people would be shocked, if not outraged."
Mairead frowned thoughtfully. "At first I was upset that you lied to me," she admitted softly. "But I thought about it a lot, and I understand why you did."
Lupin was quiet for a few moments before softly saying, "It means so much to me to know that you're still on my side."
Mairead's chin wobbled and she fought not to dissolve back into tears. "Of course I am. I'll always be on your side," she promised him tremulously.
"Then I need you to trust me," Lupin said gently. "This is the way it's got to be."
Mairead looked up into the stormy grey eyes of the man she loved more than she had ever loved anyone before, whom she loved more than she had ever believed was possible.
Taking a deep breath, Mairead gathered up the armload of books and marched back across the room with them.
"What are you doing?" Lupin asked in confusion.
"I'm bloody helping you pack," she growled, snatching the empty box and piling the books into the bottom.
Lupin said nothing. She straightened up and looked over at him defiantly, silently daring him to ask her to leave. His face, normally so unreadable, so carefully arranged, was completely open. And he was looking at her with a naked expression of utmost gratitude and affection.
Then, with a small nod, Lupin went over to the other side of his office and resumed packing as well.
They worked in silence for several minutes. Mairead filled the box to the top with books, then reached for another.
"Tell me about your O.W.L. yesterday," said Lupin, looking up from the rolls of parchment he was sorting through.
Mairead walked Lupin through the practical exam, spell-by-spell. He listened quietly, but when she got to the part when Professor Marchbanks had stepped in and refused to let her skip the boggart, he interrupted with, "She said what?"
"That I couldn't skip it. She said I had to make at least one failed attempt before I could forfeit."
Lupin frowned. "But that's not true," he said in confusion. "I checked the rules myself."
"Well, Professor Marchbanks doesn't really like me," Mairead admitted.
"What makes you say that?"
Mairead reluctantly told him about what Marchbanks had said to her in her fifth year. Lupin frowned when she relayed Marchbanks's remark that Mairead belonged in Azkaban alongside her father.
"She shouldn't have said that to you," he said softly. Mairead shrugged.
"I dunno," she mumbled, fiddling with the feathered ends of the quills she had been gathering from where they had been scattered throughout the room. "I can kind of see her point. A lot of people died because of my father."
"You were a child," Lupin argued. "You had nothing to do with that."
"I looked her up," Mairead confessed. "At the end of my fifth year. I looked up the Marchbanks family. Nearly all of them were killed by You-Know-Who. She lost her whole family."
"As did you."
"Well, but that doesn't give me an excuse not to be compassionate," she maintained.
Lupin was looking at her in the searching way of his that used to make her feel so exposed and uncomfortable and which now just made her feel seen. One corner of his mouth tugged upwards.
"I told you a long time ago that that is what makes you so very remarkable," he said softly.
Mairead stayed silent, continuing to fidget with the quills until she stabbed herself in the finger with the sharp end of one. Sticking her smarting finger into her mouth, she turned and walked over to Lupin's briefcase and dropped them inside.
"So what did you do?" Lupin asked. "About the boggart?"
"Oh... I cast a Cheering Charm on myself."
Lupin's eyebrows went up in surprise. "We never tried that. Did it work?"
"It did, actually."
Lupin beamed proudly at her. "What made you think of it?"
"I thought of our first lesson," she muttered. "With the Cheering Charm you cast on me to practice Finite Incantatum and how I couldn't stop laughing."
His smile widened. "Ah, yes," he said, eyes twinkling mischievously at the memory. "You told me I was your all-time favourite person."
Mairead's breath suddenly caught in her throat. She walked away and made as if she were looking out the window. In reality, though, she had squeezed her eyes shut and was pinching her upper lip hard between thumb and forefinger to fight back the tears that threatened to overtake her.
Angered by the grief she was feeling, Mairead spun around, seized Lupin's teapot, and brought it over to his fireplace, where there was a pile of old issues of The Daily Prophet waiting to be used as kindling.
"You know, if you wrapped some of your fragile shit in newspaper every once in a while it might not be fecking falling apart on you all the time," she said savagely.
"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind," he said. She both loved and hated that she knew the sound of his voice well enough to know without looking that he was smiling.
Mairead tried to focus all her concentration on carefully wrapping his teapot and mugs in newspaper, but when she knelt down next to the box she had pulled them from and gently nestled them back inside, she heard him speak, and it took everything in her just to hold herself together.
"I'm going to miss you very much, Mairead."
Squeezing her eyes shut for a moment, Mairead pushed herself to her feet and walked over to his phonograph.
"I'll pack your records," she said hoarsely, avoiding his gaze.
Silence fell once more between them. When Mairead finished carefully filing the records into the milk crate Lupin kept them in, she turned back to see what else there was to do. Her breath caught and the floor felt unsteady beneath her feet.
There was nothing left to pack.
Lupin approached her slowly, hands in his pockets and a somber look on his face.
Still avoiding direct eye contact, Mairead said, "Your records. They're all set."
"Thanks very much."
"They're, erm," Mairead cleared her throat and tried again. "They're arranged alphabetically by artist. Then alphabetically by album title within artist."
"I know," he said quietly.
Mairead raked a hand through her hair and tried to breathe calmly. She looked anywhere but at him as she said, "Some of the sleeves have seen better days; you might want to look into replacing them. You can get replacement jackets at a record store. Record jackets, I mean, not, like, jacket jackets, like a jacket that you wear. I saw them when I was looking through the shops in London. They're blank but you can write the title on there. Obviously it won't have the cover art, but you can still write the song titles out on the sleeve, and if the art means that much to you you could always save the original sleeve. Maybe you could even frame them, I bet that would look cool -"
Lupin cut off her babbling with, "Are you going to look at me before I go?"
Mairead stifled a quiet sob and looked down to fuss with a loose thread poking out of one of the buttons on her blouse. "Erm, is there anything else I can help you with?" she asked, her voice higher than usual.
"No, thank you."
"Are you sure? 'Cause I've got time. I could dust or, or -"
"It's time to say good-bye, May."
His use of her nickname did her in. She held a shaking hand to her mouth as a silent sob wracked her body.
"I don't know how to," she admitted in a whisper.
"It's simple," said Lupin gently.
Mairead shook her head. "No, it isn't," she said, voice trembling uncontrollably. "I... I don't know how to... I don't know how to say everything I want to... to say to you."
She finally worked up the strength to look up. He deserved eye contact while she said what she had to say.
"At the beginning of this year, I didn't have a future," she said. "You changed everything for me."
Lupin smiled softly and shook his head. "That was all you," he said sincerely. "You created your own future. I'm just honoured you let me stand by your side while you did it."
Mairead shook her head, "No, it wasn't. You -" she was interrupted when Lupin burst out laughing at her.
"You impossible girl, when are you going to learn to take a compliment?" he asked in a gently teasing voice.
Mairead let out something between a laugh and a whimper. "Not today."
"Well then perhaps you'll have learned by the time we meet again."
Mairead pulled her bottom lip into her mouth and bit down as hard as she could, hoping the pain would distract her from the far worse agony she was feeling. Lupin looked at her fondly.
"You stubborn Irish," he murmured affectionately.
"You self-effacing English," she returned. A ghost of a grin flitted across his face.
"I'm not English; I'm Welsh."
"Yeah, whatever," she whispered.
"Good-bye, May."
"...Good-bye."
Mairead turned away just as the first of the tears she had been fighting back broke free and ran down her face. She walked to the door as quickly as she could without running. She wanted so badly to turn back, wanted to look just once more at the man her entire soul would be devoted to loving every single day until the day she died, but she knew she would never leave if she did.
So she kept her eyes forward and walked out of his office, and out of his life.
...
Author's Note: ::Sniff, sniff:: What did you all think? I know a few of you have been wondering for a long time how things would go over once Remus's secret got out. Were you disappointed? Satisfied? Something else entirely? I'd love to know! Only one more short-ish chapter after this and then we're done with Part 1!
Song for this Chapter: "I Will Spend My Whole Life Loving You," by Imaginary Future & Kina Grannis (Mairead)