Author's Note: Special thank you to mrs. morgan 35 and GraceMonroe for their reviews! I hope you all enjoy the last chapter!
...
Chapter Seventeen: The Magician and the FoolSince almost the first day she had arrived at Hogwarts, Mairead had dreamed of leaving. Hogwarts had never been home to her the way it had been to so many of the children from St. Hedwig's, who had never known a home or for whom the concept had been so toxic or so old and faded that the term had barely had meaning. To them, these walls were hallowed; a place of sacred learning, a community they were welcomed into, and the closest thing to family that many of them had ever known.
But to Mairead, who had spent years feeling ostracized by three of the houses because of her family legacy and set still further apart by her disability, Hogwarts had often felt like a cruel trick - an enchanted dream that everyone around her could partake in except for her.
Then Professor Lupin had come into her life. He had treated her, not as someone for whom exceptions must be made, but as someone exceptional. Mairead couldn't be sure if it was his treatment of her that had gradually turned around the student body's perception of her or if he had simply opened her eyes to the fact that her standing at the school had changed when she wasn't looking, but as her final days at Hogwarts drew to a close, Mairead finally became aware of the sea change that had taken place that year.
It seemed to her that, everywhere she went, students were waving to her and greeting her by name. People whose names she had known but whom she assumed did not know her dropped into the library to say they hoped she would stay in touch. The Fifth Year Gryffindor girl whose hair she had held, and whose name turned out to be Angelina Johnson, even came up to her at lunch one day and gave Mairead her address, asking her to write.
All around her, Mairead was constantly hearing of friends' summer plans. Edgar was going to be spending part of the summer at Jonathan's house. It turned out that Jonathan's father had managed to snag tickets to the Quidditch World Cup and had told Jonathan he could invite someone. Sophie had an internship with the Office of Magical Law Enforcement and, it seemed, a potential new boyfriend ("if he plays his cards right," as Sophie had put it). Cedric would also be attending the Quidditch World Cup with his father, with whom he had reluctantly reconciled at Mairead's urging.
Everyone seemed to know what they were going to be doing with themselves except Mairead. She had written to Sister Mary Agnes and had been granted permission to return to St. Hedwig's until she got her feet under her, but Mairead had no idea what "getting her feet under her" was supposed to look like. She had no job lined up, she wasn't enrolled in any institution for higher education, and she didn't even have a significant other she could move in with, as so many of her fellow Seventh Years did. She had been so wrapped up in passing her exams that any thoughts of what was to come after Hogwarts had been pushed out of her mind.
She ruefully supposed that this was the consequence of having developed tunnel vision in the final weeks of the term, but then, that tunnel vision had been absolutely necessary to give her any chance at all of passing her Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. And she still had several days to go before she would learn if it had paid off.
Her backup plan for if she failed had always been that she and Professor Lupin would continue training together and try again the following year. Now that he was gone, she had no plan B. The only fallback she could think of was trying to track Lupin down and begging him to take her on as his independent student. Or as his wife. Or both.
Mairead knew this line of thought was useless. She had never stood so much as a breath of a chance with Lupin, and there was no use dwelling on her unrequited love for him. Thinking of him - of his smile and his laugh and his gentle manner, his dark grey eyes and his quiet, observant nature, of the way he talked with his hands and the way it had felt the few times he had held her close to him - only served to bring her to her knees with grief, and so she tried as much as possible to take her mind off her beloved Professor and her extremely limited post-graduation prospects and focused her efforts instead on being happy for her friends.
Ansel had possibly the best summer plans of them all. He had found out just before the start of the N.E.W.T.s that he had gotten the job at the British Embassy in France, beating out Head Boy and top competitor Percy Weasley. Mairead, Edgar, and Sophie organized a surprise "Congratulations and Farewell" party in his honor in the Ravenclaw Common Room two nights before the end of term. Mairead couldn't remember the last time she had seen Ansel smile so much.
It was at this party that Mairead ran into Roger Davies for the first time since their breakup. She had gone up to the drink table and did not realize whom she was standing next to until he had spotted her and it was too late to retreat.
"Hi," he said in a strange tone.
"Roger. Hi."
"H-how've you been?" he asked.
"Fine," she said in a carefully guarded voice. "You?"
"God, it's good to see you," said Roger, ignoring her question. "You look fantastic."
"Er, thanks," Mairead said dubiously.
Roger reached up and tucked a stray lock of Mairead's hair behind her ear. "Listen, let's go up to my room and talk," he suggested. "It's too loud down here to catch up."
Mairead raised her eyebrows. "Aren't you seeing someone right now?" she questioned suspiciously.
Roger waved a hand dismissively. "That's over," he said.
Mairead put a hand on her hip. Anger she hadn't known she was still carrying began to simmer within her. "Does she know it's over?"
Roger sighed and fixed Mairead with the patiently exasperated look that had formerly made her feel so foolish and young, and which now just made her blood boil. "Why are you trying to make this so complicated?" he asked in his quietly condescending way.
"I'm not making things complicated," Mairead retorted. "You sleeping with more than one girl at a time is what's making things complicated."
"Look, it's over with Annaliese," he insisted. "I'll find her and have her tell you herself. Will that make you happy?"
"Not really, as you and I both know Annaliese isn't the only girl you're shagging."
Roger threw his hands up. "Fine, I'll break things off with Sarah. That's what you've wanted this whole time, isn't it?"
"No, I actually just wanted you to fuck off," said Mairead.
Roger scoffed and looked out into the crowd. After he was silent for a few moments, he quietly said, "I can't stop thinking about you."
Mairead raised an eyebrow impassively. "Really? I'd forgotten you existed."
Roger looked deflated. "Oh," he said simply.
All of Mairead's anger dissipated just as quickly as it had formed and was immediately replaced by guilt over her sharp tongue. "I'm sorry," she sighed, rubbing a hand roughly across her forehead. "That was - I'm sorry."
Roger set his drink on the table and took Mairead's hand. "Look, I just want to talk," he said in a low, sincere voice. "Can we please just go upstairs and talk? I hate how we left things."
Mairead took a long, slow breath as she considered his request. It would be nice to clear the air...
Just as Mairead was about to agree to go off with Roger, a girl with curly strawberry blonde hair whom Mairead did not recognize bounced up to them.
"Oh, hey!" she said, her pretty face breaking into a smile at the sight of Mairead. "Come over here, I need to tell you something - you're never going to believe it!"
Mairead blinked in confusion at the girl, but she was already being tugged away from the table. She looked back over her shoulder at Roger.
"I'll be right back," she said.
Roger nodded and picked up his drink again.
"Sorry - do I know you?" Mairead asked the girl once they were far enough away.
"No, but I had to save you," the girl said. "You used to date Roger, didn't you?"
Mairead nodded. "Yeah, why?"
The girl clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes. "Only that I could tell from across the room that he was giving you the 'I want you back' routine."
Mairead frowned and shook her head. "No, he said he just wanted to talk," she corrected the girl.
The girl nodded, unimpressed. "Up in his room, right?"
"How did you - oh, fuck."
The girl nodded again, looking sympathetic. "Yeah, he just wants to sleep with you again. He'll dump you again in the morning. Let me guess, did he pull the 'I think about you all the time,' line on you?"
Mairead sighed. "That little gobshite," she muttered. "Thank you for saving me."
"Don't mention it," the girl shrugged. "We girls have got to stick up for one another, eh?"
Mairead smiled. "Sorry, what's your name?" she asked.
"Marietta," the girl said. "I'm a friend of Cho's. And one of Davies's many, many exes."
Mairead snorted. "I can't believe I almost fell for that."
"You wouldn't be the first, and you most definitely will not be the last."
"Well, thanks again, Marietta," said Mairead.
Marietta grinned and shrugged. "Welcome to the Survivors of Roger Davies Club."
Mairead grinned ruefully over at the drink table where Roger still stood, then down at her empty glass. "Looks like I'm switching to water."
"Sorry about that."
Mairead shrugged carelessly and twitched her eyebrows mischievously. "Want to go hide in a corner and see how long it takes Roger to figure out I'm not coming back?"
...
Roger was not the only unwelcome person Mairead ran into during her last week at Hogwarts. On the second-to-last day of term, Mairead was moping around outside Professor Lupin's vacant office, sniffling back tears and generally feeling sorry for herself when she heard a voice say, "Hey."
Looking around, Mairead saw Sarah Quimby approaching her. Sarah smiled her gorgeous, perfectly straight, white-toothed smile at her.
"I'm so glad I found you before the end of the year," Sarah said, stopping in front of her. "Listen, I am so sorry about how things went down with Roger. I didn't mean for you to get upset. I thought I was doing you a favor. I knew how much you liked Roger and I knew there was just no way he was going to ask you out unless I stepped in. But I get why you got pissed off."
Mairead nodded without saying anything. The voice of etiquette in her head was back. It told her to be polite, to smile and hug Sarah and let bygones be bygones. They were about to graduate - who knew when they would see each other again? Sarah had apologized, albeit in a not very sincere way that landed as more of an insult than an apology, but it was Mairead's job now to make sure Sarah felt comfortable and secure.
Sarah was looking expectantly at Mairead. "So you forgive me?" she asked, saying her part of the friendship script she had written for the two of them years ago. The two girls had recited it more times than Mairead could keep track of over their seven-year friendship. The script had long since been perfected, and it had been used to steer their friendship over every one of Sarah's tempers, through every slight, every snide comment, every time Mairead had taken the fall for something Sarah had done. Mairead knew her lines in the script by heart.
"Of course," she recited.
Sarah grinned. "Still friends?"
Mairead looked Sarah dead in the eye.
"No."
With that, she turned and walked away.
...
Mairead and Cedric arrived early to breakfast on the last morning of term. Any minute now, owls would be swooping into the Great Hall bearing the results of the Fifth and Seventh Years' exams. It would have been difficult to determine who was more anxious of the two friends. Cedric was bouncing his knee up and down so quickly it looked blurry to Mairead.
"Any chance you could cut that out?" she asked him, head in her hands. "You're giving me motion sickness."
"If you throw up, it's not because of me," said Cedric, though he did cease his jiggling.
"Look, you're going to do marvelously," Mairead said, rubbing a hand across Cedric's shoulders. "You're brilliant!"
Cedric shook his head, looking slightly green. "It's not like I care," he said stubbornly and not at all convincingly. "I don't owe my parents anything."
Mairead frowned at him. "You're allowed to forgive your parents, you know," she said softly. "They were just doing what they thought was best for you."
Cedric looked sharply at her. "What does that matter if they don't have the first bloody clue what's best for me?" he asked.
Mairead's mouth twitched unhappily. "You're allowed to have your own thoughts and outlook and still have a warm, close, loving relationship with them."
"Do you forgive them?" asked Cedric shrewdly.
"I do," Mairead nodded. "Whether they realize it or not, we're on the same team. They love you desperately, just like I do. They think you're incredible, just like I do. They want you to be deliriously, stupidly happy, just like I do. As far as I'm concerned, that makes them all right in my books."
Cedric looked at her softly. "You're the best friend I've ever had," he said quietly. "I just wish they could see that. Respect that."
Mairead grinned mischievously at him. "They'll settle down. Once you're married to Cho and they have two dozen little grandchildren toddling around I won't seem such a threat to them anymore."
Cedric's cheeks flushed and he grinned bashfully.
Mairead raised an eyebrow at him. "You're thinking about shagging Cho two dozen times right now, aren't you?"
Cedric didn't answer except to widen his grin.
The four tables were quickly filling with Fifth and Seventh years. They were all constantly turning and glancing up at the high windows through which the owls would soon fly, giving the impression that they were all trying to get cricks out of their necks at the same time.
Statia was so pale she looked almost yellow and Francie looked as though she might hyperventilate at any minute. Simon had sat down next to Mairead and was clenching his jaw so tightly Mairead could actually hear his teeth grinding against one another. Henry, who had sat down across from Mairead, was drumming his fingers against the milk jug in front of him so vigorously that it tipped over and spilled milk all over Mairead's lap.
She jumped up with an exclamation of surprise.
"Sorry, Mairead!" Henry cried.
"It's okay, really!" she said.
She reached for her wand but before she could, Simon had pulled his out and silently vanished the milk.
"Good as new," he said, stowing his wand away with a smile.
Mairead returned to her seat and slowly, hesitantly returned Simon's smile.
"I really hope you pass your Defense O.W.L., Mairead," Simon said earnestly.
She opened her mouth but found she couldn't find the words.
Mairead looked around at the group of Seventh Years and realized that, at some point she couldn't identify, these people had become her friends. The knowledge filled her with an emotion too vast and too profound for her to process in that moment, but which she had a sneaking suspicion just might be happiness.
"Look!" Statia cried.
Everyone followed her pointing finger up to the windows, through which scores of owls were streaming.
Mairead reached for Cedric's hand and squeezed it, and looked over and locked eyes across the table with Henry.
"You've got this," she said bracingly. He smiled tightly at her.
A tawny owl landed silently in front of Mairead and deposited two envelopes onto her empty plate. Her heart was beating in her ears as she stroked the owl with shaking fingers and offered her some bacon.
Mairead silently traded a look with Cedric. Then, the two friends tore open their envelopes.
The envelope Mairead opened first contained her N.E.W.T. results.
Charms - Exceeds Expectations
Herbology - Exceeds Expectations
Muggle Studies - Outstanding
Potions - Exceeds Expectations
Transfiguration - Exceeds Expectations
Mairead was breathing hard as though she had just run a marathon. Had someone asked her in her fourth year if she ever thought she would have passed this many classes, she would have laughed herself silly. She looked over at Cedric.
"How did you do?" she asked him.
He beamed over at her, eyes shining. "All right," he said modestly. "You?"
Mairead nodded, but didn't answer him. "What did you get?" she asked instead.
Cedric nodded in the direction of the others surrounding them. "I don't think you'd better keep them waiting," he said.
Mairead looked around and saw that, in addition to nearly everyone at the Hufflepuff table watching her eagerly, Sophie, Edgar, and Ansel had also joined their table.
"Well?" demanded Henry. "Did you pass?"
"Hey!" said Mairead, distracted by the arrival of her friends and reaching for Ansel's hand. "How did you do?"
Sophie waved a hand dismissively. "How the fuck do you think he did?" she asked impatiently. "He passed everything, straight O's, he's won Hogwarts and they're offering him the Ministry of Magic as prize, what-the-fuck-ever. What did you get in Defense?"
"Oh, I don't know yet," said Mairead, holding up the parchment with her N.E.W.T. results in her hand. "I've only opened the N.E.W.T.s so far."
A general outcry of impatience went up around the table. She heard someone groan, "Come on!"
Mairead laughed in surprise and reached for the second envelope, but before she could wrap her fingers around it Sophie had leaned forward and snatched it away from her.
"Hey!"
"We're going to be here until next Tuesday at this rate," the Slytherin girl said haughtily, ignoring Mairead's objection.
Mairead watched, as though in slow motion, as Sophie's finger slipped under the fold and tore open the envelope. Sophie yanked the letter out, shook it open, and her eyes briefly skimmed over the contents. Mairead barely had time to acknowledge her heart throbbing in her throat when Sophie let out a shriek.
"EXCEEDS FUCKING EXPECTATIONS!"
Mairead's mouth fell open in shock. The table exploded into raucous cheers of approval. Hands rained down on her back and shoulders as her classmates celebrated and congratulated her. Someone knocked the milk jug over again. She clapped both hands over her mouth, eyes streaming as Cedric pulled her up from her seat and embraced her, swinging her back and forth in jubilation. No sooner had he released her than her friends from St. Hedwig's all stepped forward and crushed her in the middle of a group hug.
All down the table Hufflepuff students were stomping and clapping, cheering and pounding their goblets on the table to make as much noise as they possibly could. It was as if they had won the Quidditch Cup and the House Championship all at once. A handful of students from Gryffindor and Ravenclaw had joined in as well.
Mairead couldn't believe that this was all for her. She'd had no idea that so many people were pulling for her, rooting for her to succeed. She suddenly thought of another time the school had cheered for her, and how different it had felt. Had they accepted her all this time, and she had just been too diffident to see it? This time, she decided, she wouldn't run.
She smiled shyly around at the people surrounding her and was rewarded with a sea of beaming faces.
"Okay, but what did you all get?" she asked meekly.
The crowd of Hufflepuffs laughed, and then began sharing the results of their exams, graciously making room at the table for Mairead's friends. Mairead sat back down, now with Cedric on one side and Edgar on her other, and listened as they went around reading off their letters. She occasionally joined in congratulating someone on a high score or loyally declaring someone had been robbed when they announced a low score. Mostly, though, she sat back and contemplated this new, strange sensation of contentment she felt.
...
Later that afternoon, there was a private graduation ceremony in the Great Hall for the Seventh Years. The long house tables had been removed and replaced by hundreds of chairs in which Mairead and her fellow graduates sat. The teachers were all seated at the High Table with the exception of the Headmaster and Heads of House. They stood lined up slightly off to the side. When Professor Dumbledore called the name of each graduating student from a long scroll of parchment, the student walked up to the front of the room, shook hands with or hugged the Headmaster, and received their diploma, a stole in their House colors, and another handshake or embrace from their Head of House.
By the time Mairead's name was called her palms were sore from all of the clapping. She stepped up to the front of the room to her own applause and a few cheers. When she reached the Headmaster and extended her hand, he leaned in.
"I have written to Professor Lupin about your O.W.L. results," Dumbledore murmured to her with a wink. "I thought he would want to know how very well you did."
"He was so proud of you," Professor McGonagall added, looking emotional herself. "We all are."
Mairead was slightly horrified to find her chin wobbling. She changed her mind at the last minute and gave the Headmaster a hug, which he returned warmly.
"You give good hugs," Mairead said thickly when she had withdrawn, then quickly added, "sir."
"I have seldom received such high praise," said Dumbledore solemnly.
Mairead smiled at the quirky Headmaster, then turned to Professor Sprout. She was not given a choice of a handshake, as the squat witch immediately wrapped Mairead in a crushing embrace.
"I am going to miss you, girly," said the Head of Hufflepuff.
Mairead smiled around Professor Sprout's flyaway hair, which was tickling her nose, and said she would miss all of them. She smiled shyly at the other four professors as Professor Sprout draped the stole over her robes and handed Mairead her Hogwarts diploma.
Then she turned and walked back to her seat, buzzing with the heady knowledge that she was no longer a student of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
...
When the Hogwarts Express pulled into Hogsmeade station the next morning, several students were crying, knowing this would be their last time riding the iconic train. Mairead herself had gotten quite emotional as she and the other graduates had ridden the same boats that had first conveyed them to Hogwarts back across the Lake rather than taking the carriages with the first through sixth year students.
Sophie rolled her eyes at the weepy graduates. "Honestly," she huffed. "You'd think they were saying good-bye to their children at a Vietnamese airport, not going for a train ride."
Mairead exchanged a grin with Ansel behind Sophie's back.
"It's comforting to know that some things never change," Ansel mused as they helped the younger St. Hedwig's students load their trunks onto the train.
"Sophie?" Mairead panted while hauling a bird cage in each hand. "God, I hope she never does."
"Was that a prayer?" Edgar challenged with a grin, brushing sweaty hair out of his eyes.
"Not a chance," Mairead shot back. Edgar knew better than to be disappointed, but she still softened her words by blowing him a kiss.
The train was soon speeding south along the Scottish countryside. Mairead sat back in her seat and flipped through a course catalog for the Healer Program at St. Mungo's. She wouldn't be able to matriculate in the fall, but, having received an E in her Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L., she could take a gap year, train for her Defense N.E.W.T., and if she received satisfactory marks she could join the program the following year.
It was still astonishing to Mairead that her long-held dream might actually come true. She resisted the urge to pull Professor Lupin's letter - from the first time he had excused himself from their evening lessons - out of her pocket and look at it again. She felt absolutely ridiculous that she had held onto such a simple note after all this time, but it was the only thing she had left of him. The only tangible thing, that was, as it was thanks entirely to him that there was a bubble of hope growing steadily in her chest.
"Fancy a game of Exploding Snap?" Sophie asked Edgar as the lunch lady left the room and they were all tucking into their snacks.
"Sure, so long as a Dementor doesn't come along and spoil it again," replied Edgar, rummaging through his bag for the deck of cards.
"Oh, damn, that's right," Sophie remembered. "Is it weird that so much has happened this year I'd forgotten that?"
Ansel shook his head. "The human brain isn't designed to hold onto all information indefinitely," he said philosophically.
Mairead smiled over at him. Once the train pulled into King's Cross, he would be heading straight from platform nine and three-quarters to platform seven and a half to catch the train that would take him to Paris. He didn't know when he would get a break yet, and so none of the friends knew when they would next see him.
"You know, you never did wind up reading Alex's cards, May," Edgar noted while rearranging the cards in his hand.
Mairead broke out of her reverie. "What was that?" she asked.
"The tarot cards," said Edgar. "You were going to do a reading for Alex when the train stopped."
"Oh, yeah," Mairead realized. It occurred to her that she had been so busy this year that she hadn't used her tarot deck once since the train ride in. Normally she liked to do several readings throughout the school year, then look back and reflect on them. In her experience with Divination, hindsight typically granted a lot of clarity. She could barely remember what her reading had been.
Standing up, Mairead wobbled over to her trunk, trying to keep her balance as the train jostled as it went over a bridge, and retrieved the notebook she kept with her cards. Returning to her seat, she flipped through the pages until she got to the last entry.
Q: What can I expect from this school year?
A: Magician, Five of Pentacles, Four of Cups
Q: How can I ensure I don't miss this opportunity to achieve my goals? (Magician)
A: The Fool
Mairead stared at the page, mouth slightly open. It all made sense now. The opportunity, her self-pity and the past misfortunes that had led to her feeling resentful and unwilling to take what was being offered to her. The Magician.
Mairead's breath hitched in her chest as she saw in her mind's eye the image of the man with the brown hair and red robes.
Lupin was the Magician.
She laughed thickly as tears swam in her vision.
"All right, May?" asked Ansel, looking over at her.
She nodded, swiping her thumbs under her eyes.
"Yeah," she said. "I've just realized something, that's all."
"What's that?"
Mairead smiled, looking out at the countryside whipping past her, taking her away from her old life and racing into a new one.
"I'm ready to be a Fool."
End of Part 1
...
Author's Note: Folks! That's it for Part 1! What did you think? Was it too cheesy? I hope not. (Bites nails nervously) Also, a quick note that I know the Golden Trio got their O.W.L. results at the Burrow in the HBP, but I wanted to follow the timeline in PoA, and in the last chapter it said that Percy got his N.E.W.T. results before they took the train back, so that's why I did it that way in case anyone was wondering. :)
I just want to give a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who has read and left comments throughout this story. It has truly been such a pleasure to read all of your thoughts and it means so much to me to hear that people have enjoyed this story. I really hope that you will consider reading Part 2 when it comes out!
That being said (here comes the bad news), I am going to be taking a break between publishing Parts 1 and 2. The primary reason for this is that Part 2 isn't finished, and I would like it to be complete before I begin publishing. It was infinitely easier and less stressful for me to publish Part 1 knowing that it was complete rather than stressing out. Part 2 is shaping up to be a BEHEMOTH (it's already longer than this one and I'm not anywhere near finished with it!), and I don't want to put myself in a situation in which I write just to have something to publish on Fridays. I really, really hope you all won't mind waiting, and that you'll consider reading it when it comes out. In the meantime, please feel free to be in touch in the comments for a status update. I'll be checking the comments regularly and will be happy to provide status updates (and maybe some sneak previews?) along the way! Thank you again so, so much for reading!
Song for this chapter: "Tell Me If You Want to Go Home," by Keira Knightley (she didn't actually write it; she just sings it). (Mairead)