Rachel sat on the floor, idly tracing the pattern of the rug and not watching Severus while he read the letter she'd written to him for Christmas. She'd already emptied her stocking and unwrapped presents - except the present from the study group, since she'd planned to unwrap that with Theo sometime before the Christmas feast - and she was feeling a little weird. Maybe it was just talking with Theo yesterday, but she was thinking a lot about her Christmases with her relatives.
It was a little strange, but she thought she hadn't really known how bad things were while she was living there. She had accepted that she was treated differently than Dudley, because Dudley was good and she was bad. There hadn't really been anyone to say differently. At school she had mostly been treated alright by her teachers, though the Dursleys had warned them that she was a difficult child who was sullen and who would cause trouble given the opportunity. It varied from teacher to teacher how much they believed that - more of them did after she stopped speaking.
Dudley had believed in Father Christmas until he was seven. Rachel had realized much earlier, since she'd heard Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia bring down presents at night and put them under the tree. They had told her firmly - and in front of Dudley - that Father Christmas didn't bring bad girls presents. In a way, it had been comforting to discover Father Christmas didn't actually exist. She knew already that the Dursleys wouldn't give her presents.
She wondered about people sometimes. It wasn't just her aunt and uncle, because look how Theo's father had treated him, not to mention the way Neville's Gran treated Neville. She was fifteen now and although she certainly wasn't ready to have children, and she didn't even know if she would ever want to be a mother, she knew without any doubt that she would never treat her child the way her aunt and uncle had treated her. She wouldn't treat anyone that way, and she didn't know how people could bring themselves to do it.
"You truly wish to spend time brewing with me?" Severus asked, setting down the letter.
"I do. We haven't really had the chance since coming back to Hogwarts. And I don't get to spend much time with you, and one of the only valuable things that I can give you is my time. And I want to," she said, trying to find the right words so that he would understand it wasn't an obligation.
"I would like that," Severus said. "I also appreciate the photos. I will put them in the album you gave me last year."
Rachel smiled for a moment. She hadn't taken many photos this year, though she'd taken a group shot at the last DA meeting. She'd have to remember to take her camera out over the break and wander around a bit. She could probably get the Room of Requirement to make some interesting places to take pictures of.
"Are you alright?" Severus asked a few moments later.
"Yes. Sure. Why?" she asked, looking up at him.
"You've seemed a little subdued this morning. Did our work with occlumency cause you to have nightmares?"
"No, I slept fine. I'm just not fully here right now, I think," she said. She got up since even through the rug the floor was a bit chilly. She sat back down on the couch. "Sometimes I just think about things and I don't know why."
Severus nodded. "Anything in particular you wish to speak about?"
"No." Definitely not. Severus worried enough about her as it was. "I'm really okay. Do we want to have breakfast, and then I'm going to go check on Theo?"
"That would be fine. What would you like to eat?"
"Scrambled eggs, I think." She thought she'd be able to stomach that.
About thirty minutes later she was fed and on her way to the common room. "Happy Christmas, Curbin," she said, pausing next to his portrait.
"A very happy Christmas to you as well, Miss Rachel. I trust you had a good morning?" Curbin asked.
"Pretty good. Has Theo been by?"
"He returned about an hour ago," Curbin told her.
"Thank you," Rachel continued on to the wall that disguised the entrance to the common room, said the password, and went inside. When she didn't find Theo in the common room she walked down the hallway that held the boys dorms and went to the door marked fifth years. She knocked and then waited.
About a minute later the door opened and Theo looked out at her. "I didn't realize you'd be finished with Professor Snape so soon."
"Done for the morning at least," she said. "Do you want to open our group presents?"
"Sure. In the common room?" he asked.
"Probably would be best, I'm pretty sure there are wards so that we can't go into each other's dorms. I need to get mine from my dorm, but I'll meet you in front of the fireplace?"
"Okay. See you there in a minute."
Rachel went back to her own dorm, collected the wrapped box that she'd received yesterday and brought it out into the common room. It was nice to get to use the couches that the prefects usually used.
"From the weight of this, I'm going to guess you bought me books," Theo said as he put his wrapped box down.
"You'll have to open it and see. Shall we open them together?" she asked.
"Yes, like last year," Theo agreed.
They tore into the wrapping paper and Rachel stood up so she could more easily get into the box. There was her traditional box of chocolate frogs, a bag of jelly slugs, an animated holiday card from Luna, and five books. There were two Terry Pratchett books called Men at Arms and Interesting Times, a book called The Golden Compass, a book called Sabriel, and the latest Horath Bogratter book, Horath Bogtrotter and the Lands Unseen.
"Were you the one responsible for getting me the entire Horath Bogtrotter series?" Theo asked.
"Me and Millie. We figured you should have your own copies now that no one will mind if you have them," she said.
"And I'm going to guess Hermione was responsible for the others."
"What did she get you?" Rachel asked.
"The Secret History and The Shining," he said, holding them up.
"Interesting. Let me know if you think they're any good and we can borrow each others. Stephen King is pretty scary, but the stuff I've read of his is good." Rachel sat back down. "We have about two hours until the Christmas Feast. Is there anything you want to do?"
"Mostly just stay in here," Theo said. He looked a little grim.
"Everything alright?" she asked, wanting to check, but not wanting to pressure him.
"I received a letter from my father this morning, apologizing and asking me to come home."
Rachel frowned. She didn't want Theo to go back to his father. It was too dangerous.
"He said that he didn't understand me or understand what was wrong. I can't go back. I just can't." Theo sounded a little strangled.
She nodded. "I'm sure it's hard, but I don't think it's safe for you to go back."
"I know it's not safe for me to go back. I just- I wish he hadn't written to me."
"That's understandable. I wish he hadn't either." That was the one good thing about the Dursleys. They had never ever tried to get her back, or, as far as she knew, even objected to her being adopted. She was sure they were just as glad to have her gone as she was to be away.
"Is it okay if we just sit for a while?" Theo asked.
"We can do that, we have plenty of time." Rachel settled in to watch the fire and read the back covers of her new books.
Rachel sat down between Severus and Theo at the Christmas feast. The table was heavy with a wide variety of food that all looked and smelled delicious. She was in particular looking forward to the roast turkey and potatoes with gravy, though she planned to save a little room for some pie afterward too. This was one meal she wouldn't have trouble eating, or at least she hoped not.
It was a relief to see that Professor Umbridge wasn't in attendance, though most of the professors weren't. She supposed they had people to visit over the holidays. Professor Dumbledore was sitting at the head of the table and was pulling a Christmas cracker with Madam Pince. Mr. Filch was next, with Mrs. Norris in his lap, and then Madam Pomfrey and Professor Flitwick. Professor Sprout was sitting with two of her Hufflepuffs who looked to be about in their second year. There was a lone seventh year Ravenclaw boy who seemed a little bit unhappy. He looked like he hadn't been sleeping well.
"Want to pull a cracker?" Theo asked.
"Sure." Rachel couldn't help but flinch at the sound, even though she was expecting it. A flowered sunhat came out of the cracker along with a realistic toy frog that croaked. At least, Rachel hoped it was a toy frog and not an actual frog, because what would she do with a frog? Besides, she didn't want a frog, she wanted a cat.
"I'm not putting it on," he said, pushing the sunhat in Rachel's direction.
"Me neither," she said, smiling, though Professor Dumbledore was wearing a nightcap that was heavily decorated with ivy and holly.
The frog croaked again and Rachel picked it up to show it to Severus. "It's not a real frog, is it?"
"Cast the spell I taught you to check for charms and curses and see what it says," Severus said as he finished serving himself some turkey.
Rachel pulled out her wand and cast the spell. There was a red glow around the frog as it continued to croak. "It's charmed, so it's probably not a real frog."
"Probably not, though it might be wise to remove it from the table for the remainder of the meal," he said drolly.
She put it on her lap, only for it to immediately hop back to the table and land on her plate.
Theo started laughing. "Here, put it in your pocket before it winds up in the gravy boat," he said as he captured it and handed it back to Rachel.
Rachel put it away and her pocket croaked in protest. "I don't know what the people who make the Christmas crackers think people are going to do with that," she said as she began serving herself food.
"If the Weasley twins were here it would probably end up in someone's pudding by the end of the meal," Theo said.
"Let us be thankful that the Weasley twins are not present then," Severus said.
Rachel smiled and began eating. If the frog was still croaking by the time everyone was back to school she could give it to the Weasley twins as long as they promised not to use it in Severus' class, because he would definitely know who gave it to them.
An hour later she and Theo were in the common room, stretched out on the couches next to the fireplace.
"I shouldn't have had the third slice of pie," Theo said, one hand resting on his stomach.
"Probably not," she said, patting her pocket as it croaked again. She had the latest Horath Bogtrotter book open and was just getting into it. She kind of hoped Horath caught his uncle in this one. As much as she didn't want the series to end, Horath needed something to go right for him after the last book. Besides, they couldn't make his uncle any more evil than he already was - not in a children's book series at least.
"It's a little weird, not having everyone here," Theo said a few pages later.
Rachel looked up. "You mean all the Slytherins in the common room or our friends?"
"Both, but mostly our friends. I like having everyone around. But this is nice too. It's a little more peaceful."
"It is a little less chaotic, which is nice every now and then, but they'll be back soon. It's only for twelve more days, and I can guarantee Hermione's going to want to make up for lost time as soon as she's back," she said, settling deeper into the couch cushions. "I hope she's taking a break."
"I hope so too. Have you checked our two-way books today?" he asked, rolling onto his side.
"Not since last night. I was going to write happy Christmas to everyone, but I wanted to wait until people had some time after their holiday meals so it would be more likely that they're around." She also wanted to check with Ginny to see if Mr. Weasley was back and doing alright.
"That's a good idea. We should remember to set a time next year."
Rachel glanced over at the windows when a shadowy movement caught her eye. The Giant Squid had come to visit - he liked to stick his tentacles against the windows and hang around from time to time. "Do you think the Giant Squid is sentient enough to know that it's Christmas?"
"Sentient enough, sure, but I doubt it cares. It's not like we can gift it a fish dinner," Theo gave a half shrug and rolled onto his back.
"That's true," Rachel checked where she was, page 32, and left her book on the couch. She went over to the window and pressed her hands up against the glass where its tentacle was resting. "Happy Christmas, Giant Squid." She jolted back when the Giant Squid slapped its tentacle against the window. "I'm just going to take that as the Squid's way of saying happy Christmas and leave it at that," she said, backing away slowly.
"Probably wise," Theo said, now sitting up. "Are you just going to say happy Christmas to everything you see?"
"Yes," she decided. "We could go say happy Christmas to the House Elves."
Theo winced. "Maybe in a little bit. They'll try to give us food if we go down there and if I eat anything else right now I will feel like someone cast an Engorgement charm on me and probably look that way as well."
"There's some sort of saying about moderation, but I don't know what it is." Rachel sat back down and picked her book up again. Her pocket croaked. She had to get rid of the damn frog and soon. She was not sleeping with that tonight.
"We can ask Hermione, she'll know." Theo settled back down on the couch. "I'm just glad for some quiet. I might nap."
"You can nap, it's Christmas," she said, finding her spot in her book again.
"And at Hogwarts you can do whatever you want for Christmas," he said.
"As long as the professors aren't watching," she agreed.
"Do you wish to go?"
"I can? Really? It would be okay?" Rachel asked, somewhere between eager and wary. It was almost too good to be true.
"If you wish to. Umbridge is out of the castle and I think we can assume the floos are not being monitored on Christmas night," Severus said. "I can leave you there for about two hours."
She hesitated. "You'll be alone on Christmas though."
"I will be fine and we can spend some time together after you return. Do not stay here on my account."
Rachel tried to tell if he was just saying that or if he really wanted her to go, but she honestly couldn't tell. "If you're sure?"
"I'm certain. Go see your godfather, but do not go out into muggle London or into that bedamned attic of his," Severus said.
"I won't," she promised.
"And make sure you eat dinner."
"I will."
"And you can call me by floo or send your Patronus if you need something," he said, reaching for the floo powder.
"Okay. I'll be fine," she assured him. He held out the floo powder to her and she took a handful and threw it into the fireplace. "Twelve Grimmauld Place!"
She stepped into the green flames, holding her arms tight against her body, and with her eyes tightly shut. Floo travel was far from her favorite. She managed to almost catch herself as she came out into the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, dropping down onto one knee. That was better than falling flat on her face at least.
"Rachel, there you are, let me help you up," Mrs. Weasley said as she hurried over.
"I'm alright," Rachel said, dusting herself off. "Happy Christmas."
"Happy Christmas to you too," Mrs. Weasley said, pausing before wrapping Rachel into a hug. "Albus told us everything."
Rachel held still and let Mrs. Weasley hug her. It was a little different than being hugged by Sirius, softer somehow, but still a bit confining.
"Thank you, thank you so much," Mrs. Weasley said, sniffing a little as she released Rachel.
"You have my heartfelt gratitude," Mr. Weasley said as he came to stand next to Mrs. Weasley. "Our family owes you a debt we can never repay."
"No," Rachel said quickly. "It was just chance. All I did was tell Professor Snape what I saw."
"You saved my life. None of us will forget that any time soon, I can promise you that," Mr. Weasley said.
"You can always come to us if you need something, dear," Mrs. Weasley said.
"Thank you." Rachel shifted uncomfortably. All she had done was what anyone would do in that same situation. "Are you alright now, Mr. Weasley? The Healers helped you?"
Mr. Weasley smiled. "Just about right as rain. Shouldn't do any stretching for the next few weeks, but other than that I'm all put back together. We were fortunate that the Healers were able to find the right anti-venom quickly."
"I'm glad," she said, entirely honestly. It had seemed pretty bad from what she remembered of her dream, but magic could heal a lot of things that muggle medicine couldn't.
"Rachel! I wasn't sure he was going to let you come. When did you get here?" Sirius said as he came into the kitchen. "Happy Christmas!"
"Just now," Rachel said. "Happy Christmas to you too, and you Remus."
"Happy Christmas, Rachel," Remus said.
Rachel allowed herself to be hugged by Sirius, but fortunately he let go relatively quickly.
"How are you? Dumbledore told us, of course, about what is happening. Are you alright?" Sirius asked.
"I'm okay, really," Rachel said. So much for keeping it a secret. It seemed like everyone knew.
"He told me that they're working on stopping this connection that you-"
Remus cleared his throat loudly and they turned to see Ginny watching them from the doorway.
"Dinner will be another thirty minutes, Ginny," Mrs. Weasley said.
"Okay, can I see Rachel?" Ginny asked.
"Just give us a few minutes, go on into the sitting room, Rachel will find you," Mrs. Weasley directed.
Ginny met Rachel's eyes but retreated out of the doorway.
Sirius and Remus turned their attention back to Rachel. "Dumbledore and Snape are working on making this stop, right?" Sirius asked, his hand still on Rachel's shoulder.
"We're trying," she said, uncomfortable with all of this. She wished a little bit that she'd stayed with Severus tonight.
"With occlumency?" Remus asked.
Rachel nodded.
"How often is this happening?" Sirius asked, worry creasing his brow.
"Maybe twice a year," she guessed with a shrug.
"I suppose that will make it difficult to know if what you're doing is working, but I think it's better that this be a rare occurrence." Remus frowned and then looked away.
"I'm sure Albus will do whatever it takes to keep Rachel safe," Mrs. Weasley said.
Mr. Weasley nodded, though he also looked concerned. "I'm certain he knows what is best. He's very well versed in all sorts of esoteric magic."
"You're alright though? Does it hurt you when it's happening?" Sirius asked.
"No, I don't feel anything until I wake up, and even then it's only a bad headache," she said, deciding to leave out the part about her scar burning when it happened. "I think it scares my dormmates more than it scares me."
"And they know to keep it a secret?" Remus asked.
"Yes, we lied to them and just said I was having nightmares." They didn't need to know about Millie or Theo either.
"It's for the best, I think. Albus only told us because we were directly involved," Mr. Weasley said.
Rachel kind of wished Professor Dumbledore hadn't told even them. He could have found another way to say how he'd rescued Mr. Weasley.
"You can always ask for help from us." Sirius' expression was grim. "Is everything at Hogwarts alright? Is Umbridge still giving you problems?"
"We're okay. Everything is just the same as last time we talked." She really didn't want to get into all of this. "Can I go say hi to Ginny?"
"Yes, that's a good idea. I've got to get this dinner finished, and Arthur you should be resting," Mrs. Weasley said, giving her husband a stern look.
"Go say hello to your friends, we'll see you for dinner," Remus said.
"Thanks." Rachel hurried out of the room and nearly bumped directly into Ginny, who was holding some sort of string up to her ear.
Ginny's eyes were wide as she looked at Rachel. "Don't tell, okay?"
"Okay," Rachel said, watching as Ginny wrapped up the string and discovered it had an ear on the end of it. "Should I ask what that is?"
"Extendable ear, one of the twins' inventions from this summer. Lets you hear things, that well, you probably shouldn't. Can we go up to the room where I'm staying?" she asked.
"Sure." Rachel followed her down the hall and up two flights of stairs.
"Rachel!"
"We didn't expect to see you here."
"Hi Fred, hi George. Happy Christmas," Rachel said. Her pocket croaked.
Everyone paused and looked at each other.
"Did one of you just croak?" Fred finally asked.
Rachel blushed and pulled the frog out of her pocket. "Here, you can have it as long as you don't use it in Professor Snape's class."
George held up the frog. "Dare I ask which one of your undoubtedly many suitors gifted you this lovely fake frog for Christmas?"
She blushed harder. "It came from a Christmas cracker. I definitely don't have suitors."
"That can be arranged," Fred said blithely.
"I don't want suitors of any kind," she said as firmly as she could in the face of the twins' amusement.
"Leave her alone or I will tell mom you're bothering her," Ginny said, raising her eyebrows.
"Just one question, does it jump?" George asked, examining the frog.
"Yes, but I don't know how long it will be until the charms wear off." Rachel shrugged, glad they were away from the topic of suitors.
"Not a problem. I'm sure there are many uses we can put it to around here," Fred said, starting down the stairs.
"Ginny's off limits too," she called after them. "Sorry about that."
"Don't worry about it. A fake frog in my soup or in the shower will hardly be the worst prank they've pulled on me, especially now that I know it's fake," Ginny said, leading the way down the hall. "Besides, if they prank me with it, then I'll have a fake frog that can wind up in their underpants at an inopportune moment."
Rachel decided to leave it at that and be thankful that she didn't have siblings. "Wow, they put new linens in and everything," she said as they went into the room where Ginny was staying.
"Yeah, looks much better than the last time we saw it. I'm trying to convince Sirius to let me up into the attic when my mom isn't looking. It sounds pretty cool," Ginny said, sitting down on the side of the bed. "I need to ask you some things."
She sat down next to Ginny. "About what you heard in that conversation in the kitchen?"
Ginny nodded. "Not just that, but, just things I've heard yesterday and today and it all seems to come back to you somehow, but when I ask they just tell me that it's Order business and that I shouldn't pry and that everything is okay. I want to know what really happened to my dad, because obviously he wasn't okay. They wouldn't have taken us from Hogwarts in the middle of the night if it had been okay, they thought...I think they thought he was going to die." She looked at Rachel, seeming determined before her shoulders slumped. "I just want to know what's really happening."
"If I tell you about what I know, you can't tell anyone. Not the other members of our group, not your parents that I told you, not your siblings, no one," Rachel said, deciding that if Professor Dumbledore could tell Sirius, Remus, and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, then she should get to choose who she trusted as well.
"I promise," Ginny said, her expression very serious.
Rachel paused and tried to figure out what the best way to approach this was. She'd just done this yesterday with Theo, but somehow it felt hard again. "I've been having visions of what the Dark Lord is doing, four of them so far, and on Friday night I saw your dad get attacked while he was guarding something in the Ministry."
Ginny gasped. "You-Know-Who attacked my dad!? But how is he still alive?"
"Well, he was a snake at the time," Rachel said, wondering how she had already messed this up.
"What?" Ginny asked. "Okay. Let's back up. What?"
"We don't know about the snake, actually, apparently possession is hard and they're not sure how he's doing it while he has a body, and I think he might be a snake animagus, but Professor Snape doesn't think that's likely." She winced, that wasn't really a better explanation.
Ginny continued to stare. "You-Know-Who, somehow as a snake, attacked my dad, because he was guarding something in the Ministry, and you saw it in a vision?"
It sounded kind of stupid when it was put like that, but Rachel nodded. "Basically."
"Do you know what they're guarding?" she asked.
"No, they haven't told me, but the Dark Lord wants me to go there too, so I think we'd better stay away and keep it from him." Rachel frowned. That was a good question actually. Why hadn't anyone told her what he wanted? Obviously it was a secret, but she knew so much already, why not just tell her?
"And you know that because of your visions?"
Rachel nodded again. "That and what Professor Snape has told me after I told him about my visions."
Ginny exhaled hard. "I have… a lot of questions. But also, I know what it's like to have him inside my head. Why aren't they helping you stop it? Are they trying to have you see what's happening so you can report to them?"
"No, actually, they want the opposite of that. Professor Snape is teaching me occlumency to try and stop it."
"Good. I'm pretty sure I was going to yell at Professor Snape or Professor Dumbledore if they were trying to use you like that." Ginny nodded firmly. "Is it, are they, can he do stuff while he's in your head? Are you forgetting things? Winding up places and you don't know how you got there?"
"No, none of that. I just experience what he's experiencing right then, and then I wake up with a splitting headache. And also screaming."
"Is it hurting you? Beyond the headache, I mean?"
"No, I don't feel anything until I wake up. I'm not sure why I scream while it's happening." She wished she didn't.
"I don't know that either. For me, it was like falling asleep and then I'd wake up somewhere else. I kept falling asleep at weird times, but not until I'd had the diary for several months. After I got rid of the diary, I kept dreaming of it happening, and I'd wake up in my bed wanting to scream because I thought it was still happening. I slept in the common room for a few weeks, fully dressed, just in case." Ginny's mouth twisted. "If Professor Dumbledore and Professor Snape can't find a way to make this stop, we'll find a way. We'll forge Restricted Section passes and get Hermione and Theo involved and we'll find something to get him out of your head."
"Thanks. I appreciate that," Rachel said, taking Ginny's hand and squeezing it. It was pretty clear that Ginny's experience with the diary still haunted her. "Professor Dumbledore knows a lot though, and Professor Snape said that if his first suggestion doesn't work, there will be other steps we can take."
"Good." Ginny sighed. "What a shitty Christmas. I found mom crying this morning and I thought that dad had gotten worse at St. Mungo's, but she told me she was just crying because she wanted Percy to come home and that he'd sent back his Christmas presents. If I could find Percy to hex him, I would. He didn't even know that dad was in St. Mungo's. Dad could have died and things would have just been left like this."
Rachel squeezed back when Ginny squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry. I wish I knew something that would help."
Ginny shook her head. "Sooner or later people will know You-Know-Who is back. Percy better show up begging my parents' forgiveness when that day comes."
"I hope he comes back," she said, deciding to leave the rest of it alone.
A knock on the door startled both of them and the door opened before either of them could respond. "Mom says get washed up for dinner and come downstairs. Hey, Rachel."
"Hi Ron. Happy Christmas," Rachel said, trying to convince her heart rate to slow back down.
"Happy Christmas," he said almost absently before leaving.
"We better go down before mom comes up here after us. Sorry about before. I should be glad to see you on Christmas and instead I just badger you with questions," Ginny said as she stood up.
"It's okay. I'd want to know, if the situation was reversed," Rachel said, standing up. "You can use the bathroom on this level, I'll go down to the first level."
"Sure. I need to pull my hair back anyway," Ginny said, leading the way out of the room.
Rachel left Ginny at the bathroom and went down one set of stairs and then to the end of the hallway. She crouched down and knocked on the door that led to Kreacher's room.
After a moment the door edged open and Kreacher peered out. "Miss?"
"Happy Christmas Kreacher. How are you doing?" she asked. She wished she'd had a little bit more advanced notice of the trip, she could have found something to bring Kreacher for Christmas.
"Kreacher is being the same as he's always being, Miss," Kreacher said, opening the door a little further.
"They're still giving you food and anything you need?" she asked, wanting to check since she had the opportunity.
"Yes, Miss, just as before. Kreacher takes the food the wolf leaves for him. Kreacher stays with his mistress."
Rachel hesitated, wishing she knew what to do. Obviously the situation for Kreacher still wasn't particularly good, but she was still out of ideas. "Is there anything you need that you don't have?" she settled for asking.
"No, Miss. Leave Kreacher and be away from the filthy blood traitors," he said, peering at her with his big eyes.
"Alright. If you do need something, please ask someone. I think they'll help you. And if they don't, send me a letter if you can." It wasn't much, she wasn't even sure Kreacher could write a letter, but other than getting Kreacher out of the house she didn't know how to reach him while she was at school.
"Yes, Miss. Kreacher be going now."
Rachel stood up after he shut the door and went to wash her hands.
"You'll do better with your hair up, I think," the bathroom mirror told her.
She sighed and decided to be glad that the bathroom mirrors in the Slytherin dorms were not charmed to speak.
Now she just had to get through dinner and she could be done for the day. She practiced smiling in the mirror and finally settled on just lifting the corners of her mouth in a way that didn't look too creepy. This would have to do.
Rachel flew, her eyes watering slightly in the cold. The snow had stopped early this morning and she'd decided to go flying while she had the pitch to herself. Theo hadn't wanted to fly, but he had agreed to listen to her Walkman up in the stands while she was in the air. Since he'd already listened to Pink Floyd's The Wall, she'd let him borrow the Simon and Garfunkel cassette Severus had given her for her birthday.
She circled around to one end of the pitch and dove, going faster and faster as she neared the ground. It was a rush to feel the cold air sharp against her face. Her heart beat faster, but not in the painful way that came with the floods of anxiety she sometimes felt. She pulled up a few feet away from the ground, skimming along the surface for about half of the pitch before she started to rise again.
It was strangely comforting to do that. In the air like this, without anyone else around, was the only place she felt in control. Everything else just fell away while she flew. There was the sky, herself, and her broom. She knew every inch of her broom, how to guide it, how to shift her weight, how to pull up just right to put herself level with the Snitch. It was hers.
She flew back in the opposite direction, doing a quick sloth grip roll just to feel the way her broom brought her back up again. Another pass by the goal hoops and she leaned in to go faster, getting enough speed to do a vertical loop. She'd been a little afraid to try that when she was younger, but after the first time it was easy. It wasn't something she'd ever use in a game - or do in front of Severus - but it was fun. They had been sorely lacking in fun this year.
For her next loop she went higher, up above the stands, and imagined that she was on a true racing broom. She stretched nearly flat against her broom as she took the turns, gravity and force pulling against her. She wondered if this is what birds felt. She wouldn't mind being a bird animagus, not at all. A hawk maybe, or a falcon.
She had no idea how long she'd been flying when she saw Theo waving at her from the stands. She flew over to him and exhaled as she landed. That had felt good, like something she'd needed to do for months.
"You are going to give Professor Snape a heart attack," Theo said as he handed her the winter cloak that she'd left with him.
"Which is exactly why I'd never do any of that in front of Professor Snape. He'd never let me fly again." She pulled her cloak around her. Now that she was on the ground she was freezing.
"Well if you ever wanted it, you could definitely have a career as a stunt flier or a racer." Theo passed her back her Walkman, which she slid into her cloak pocket.
"I think that would give him a heart attack, I feel like he barely approves of the idea that I could play for the League. What'd you think of the cassette?"
"I liked it. It wasn't what I was expecting after the last cassette you had me listen to. It's very...I don't know the right word to describe it." Theo shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets.
"Folk, maybe?" She wasn't quite sure herself how to describe it.
"Maybe. There's a singer that's on the wireless that sings like that, with an acoustic guitar and a flute. Reminds me a little of that. Do we want to go see Hagrid while we're out?" he asked.
Rachel checked her watch. "We've still got an hour before we have to be in the Great Hall for lunch, so we might as well. I've got to put this back in the locker room first."
"That's fine. Lead the way."
It didn't take them long to put away the broom and walk through the snow to Hagrid's house. There was less than a foot of snow out and they were both wearing their boots.
Rachel's jaw dropped as soon as Hagrid opened the door.
"Good to see you both, come on in. Fang, that's enough," Hagrid said, struggling to hold Fang back. That much was ordinary, but Hagrid had a massive bruise that was in purple and green around his right eye and a split lip.
"Did you, uh, get in a fight, Hagrid?" Theo asked once they were through the door.
Rachel managed to push Fang's front paws off her chest and watched as Hagrid made his way to the kettle. She couldn't imagine what Hagrid could have been in a fight with that would have done that to him.
"Ah, no, nothing to worry about. Just a hazard of the job."
Rachel looked at Theo and then back at Hagrid. "Something in the Forbidden Forest did that to you?"
"When you put it like that, yes, it did," Hagrid said, hooking the kettle over the fire. "Come settle down, how was your holiday?"
"It was good. Thank you for the treacle fudge," Rachel said, taking off her cloak and sitting down at the table. Fang immediately pushed his face onto her lap and she started petting him out of habit. "Was it the centaurs? Or the acromantulas maybe?"
"No, I'm good friends with the acromantulas, I raised Aragog from a spiderling. The whole colony knows me." Hagrid sat down. "The centaurs and I usually get along alright, some more than others. They won't fist fight you though. They'll rise up and kick you with their hooves or they'll shoot you with their arrows."
"What else lives in the Forbidden Forest?" Theo asked in a way that wasn't quite casual.
"Well, the thestrals for one, you'll be seeing them in class pretty soon here. Or, well, I'll be showing them to the class, those that can see them. I'm not sure that any of you can now that I think of it," Hagrid said.
"Rachel and I can. Rachel because of her parents, and I can because of my mother," Theo explained.
Hagrid frowned. "That shouldn't be."
Rachel nodded in agreement. "No child should have to see their parents die."
"Well, I mean, you're right of course, but you shouldn't be able to see them, Rachel," he said, considering her even through his swollen eye.
"Why not?" Theo asked.
"It's not just witnessing death that causes a person to be able to see them, it's understanding it fully, and accepting it. What happened to James and Lily was a tragedy, but you couldn't have understood it, not then. I'd be shocked if you even remembered that night," Hagrid said, still looking puzzled.
"I don't. I wish I did, I wish I remembered anything of them, but I don't," Rachel said, looking down at Fang.
"No," Hagrid said firmly. "No, it's best you don't remember that night. I didn't see inside myself, Sirius brought you to me, said I could use his motorbike to get you somewhere safe. We didn't know then, not for sure, that You-Know-Who wasn't around. I didn't know he was going after Pettigrew or I would have stopped him. But no, best you don't remember."
Rachel frowned. If Sirius had stayed, maybe they would have believed him about not being the secret keeper. If they had believed him, then he would have raised her, as her godfather. She couldn't even begin to imagine who she would be now if that had happened, but she thought it would have spared both her and Sirius a lot of suffering.
Theo looked at Rachel for a long moment and then looked back at Hagrid. "What else lives in the Forbidden Forest?"
"Oh, unicorns of course, you've seen them, and the hippogriffs and the bowtruckles, we've had all them in class. There's mooncalves, but we won't see them in class, they only come out by the light of a full moon. Then there's your usual non-magical critters that you find in forests, deer and such," Hagrid said, getting up to get the kettle.
Rachel looked at Theo. She didn't think any of those could have given Hagrid a black eye.
Theo looked back at her with the expression he wore when he was about to argue over something with Hermione. "Hagrid, Rachel and I are just asking because we want to help you and we don't want to see you hurt. Maybe we can help, maybe we can't, but what is the harm in asking us?"
Hagrid was quiet for a long moment and then brought over three cups of tea to the table.
She wrapped her hands around hers, grateful for the warmth, and waited to see what Hagrid would do.
Hagrid sat down. "There is something in the forest, but I'm handling it, and I can't involve you lot. It's not safe, not for anyone. If I do need help, I'll ask."
Rachel bit down on her lower lip as she tried to figure out the right thing to do. "Is it something Professor Dumbledore can help you with?"
"No, he's got too much to worry about right now, trying to fight the Wizengamot and the Death Eaters and all of that at once. I'm telling you, don't need to worry none about this. I've got it handled," he said firmly.
"If you're sure," Theo said after a long moment. "But if you do need help, ask, because you're our friend."
"Sure am. One of the best parts of my job is getting to be friends with the kids that come through, seeing you all grow. Just four years ago you were both tiny mites sitting in here, now look at you." Hagrid nodded at them with a smile.
Rachel smiled back. "We're glad to be here, Hagrid. Then and now."
It wasn't until they were back on the couches in the common room after lunch that they were alone. She finished checking her two-way book and then set it aside. "Theo, what do you think we should do about Hagrid? Should I tell Professor Snape?"
Theo sighed. "I don't know. On one hand, Hagrid's a grown man and seems to know what he's doing. On the other hand, I'm a little concerned about what sort of monster he's keeping in the forest that could do that to a half giant."
She nodded. "I haven't the slightest idea what it could be. A graphorn would just gore him. A nundu would just kill him outright with its toxic breath. A dragon would have started a forest fire by now. Griffins have claws and beaks, I can't see it causing a bruise like that without Hagrid losing his eye. I suppose a chimaera is a possibility, though I'd expect it would bite him rather than kick him, same with a manticore."
"Well, nothing has happened so far and he's been back for a month. He had to have brought it back with him. I guess it comes down to whether or not we trust Hagrid to be able to handle it," he said, frowning as he looked into the fireplace.
Rachel fidgeted. She liked Hagrid, he was a good friend. But sometimes he didn't always make the best decisions. The dragon egg in their first year came to mind, as did the Blast-Ended Skrewts last year. "I suppose we can wait. We always have the option of telling if we decide to later."
"That's true," Theo said, turning to look at her. "Rachel, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but do you know why you can see the thestrals?"
"Yes. I saw a man get shot. When I was eight."
"Shot, with a gun?" he asked, sounding uncertain.
She nodded. She didn't want to go into detail and she hoped Theo wouldn't ask.
"Is that a common thing that happens with muggles?" he asked after a moment.
"No, not really. There are laws about who can have guns. The person had it illegally. Theo…"
"It's okay, you don't have to talk about it. I just- I felt weird knowing a bit of it but not knowing if it was something I shouldn't ask about. I figured you had to have seen someone die, which is never a good thing, but...I just didn't know." He shook his head. "I won't tell anyone."
"Thanks," she said. She wanted to go back outside, go back up into the air and forget all these thoughts again. "I'm going to go find something to read. I'll be back in a bit."
"Sure. I'll be here."
Rachel went back to her dorm and sat down on her bed. She needed some way on the ground to turn her brain off. This always happened. Just when she felt in control something came along and swept it all away. She exhaled and decided she didn't need to count her breaths right now. She was fine. She was always fine.
Severus hovered in front of Rachel's occlumency wall and reminded himself to be patient. After all, they'd only been working on this for a week. "Hold the image of the wall in your mind. Feel the grain of the wood." It took some extra effort to speak out loud while he was at the surface of Rachel's mind, a little like dividing his attention between two cauldrons.
"I can see it. It's big, it goes on for as far as I can see," Rachel said.
"Good. I'm just on the other side. Concentrate on inviting me inside the wall. You can create a door or an opening, whatever you choose, and I'll be there on the other side." This was far from traditional occlumency coaching, though sometimes Severus wondered how typical his own occlumency training had been. He had learned through the Dark Lord invading his mind. Forming his occlumency shields had been a desperate attempt to keep some of his memories to himself. He had been ashamed of the scenes from his childhood, embarrassed by the bullying he'd endured, and a little worried what the Dark Lord would think of his friendship with Lily. Surprisingly, the Dark Lord hadn't said much of anything about Lily then, only to tell him to be wiser as to where he let his affections wander.
"I'm trying," she said.
He blinked and allowed himself to see Rachel through the haze of occlumency. Her face was crunched up in concentration. "Try to relax, you're doing fine. Focus on the wall first, and then on inviting me. Keep coming back to the wall."
"I don't think it has a door."
"It's your mind, you have control over what is there. If you don't feel like a door fits, you can make an opening however you'd like. Does anything feel instinctively right to you?" He resettled his focus on Rachel's wall. "Can you hear me here?" he asked mentally rather than verbally.
"It can't have a door, because it is a door already," she said, still verbally rather than in her thoughts.
Severus moved back to try to get a better view of the wall, but the mist swirled around him. "If it's a door, can you open it?"
"Maybe. I can't find the handle. But maybe. Hold on. Let me try."
A large vertical crack formed in the wall and slowly the left side was pushed outward. "I'm going to enter your mind now," he told her verbally. He stepped through the opening in the doors and found himself in a large stone room with wooden pews and a pulpit in front of a stained glass window. He was in a cathedral. "Rachel, can you hear me?" he asked mentally. There was no response. "Rachel, can you picture me in your mind? I'm just inside the doors." he asked verbally.
"No. I just see the doors. If I pull them shut, will you be trapped inside?"
"No, you can shut them if you wish. Try to picture me. I'm standing in the main area of the cathedral." He looked at the stained glass but couldn't make sense of it. There was no pattern or order or picture. The pieces were irregularly shaped and the light behind the glass was strong enough to cast the pattern of the glass on the stone floor.
"The cathedral?" Rachel asked.
"Your mental architecture of your mind seems to be patterned on a cathedral. Picture the stone floor and walls, the wooden pews. There's a stained glass window as well. I'm standing right next to your doors."
She exhaled loudly. "I'm trying."
Severus frowned. He didn't know why Rachel was having trouble accessing her inner architecture. Most people built theirs and could access it simply by meditating. He also hadn't the slightest idea why Rachel's architecture was a cathedral - he'd rather been expecting to find an open space, or perhaps a maze of shields, depending on how far her mind had developed. "It's alright. Remember to relax. I'd like to check your architecture to see if there's any place that's obvious where the Dark Lord might be entering. Is that alright? I will avoid looking into your memories."
"Okay. Do I need to do anything?"
"Keep trying to picture the room I described, starting with the doors. I'll be back here shortly," he said.
He began to walk down the aisle between the pews. Obviously she was keeping her memories somewhere, but he didn't see anything yet to suggest where they were stored. The giant doors were a very effective shield, but he suspected she'd never be able to use the type of occlumency that he used. He had multiple shields, some weak, some strong, and what boiled down to was a maze that funneled the attacking legilimens into a false memory storage. He knew it was effective, because he'd used it with the Dark Lord. The last strong shield was the key - once he broke through that, the Dark Lord never considered the possibility that anything lay beyond.
To the far left of the altar was another heavy wooden door. It opened easily to his touch and led into a stone hallway. There were doors at regular intervals, but these ones were all locked tight. He suspected that she stored her memories inside, though he was curious what method she used. Most people used scrolls or books. He'd seen one mind that had kept her memories in the facets of crystals and jewels. Severus had protected his important true memories with runes, deep in his mind. His false ones and those that were unimportant he kept in books with locks. The locks were there so that the memories seemed important enough to try to protect. Anyone with the sort of shields he had would want one more protection.
At the end of the hallway was another door and this one opened. He went down the steep stone stairs and found two branching hallways. The first led to more locked doors, the second went on for a ways, but he could see something at the end of it. He drew his wand, uncertain of what defenses Rachel's mind might have prepared, and walked toward it.
Finally he recognized it. A white sloping door that he'd last seen in Rachel's relatives' house. The cupboard where Rachel had lived. He moved closer, wary of what he might find inside. When he could see inside the cupboard, he lowered his wand, somewhere between heartbreak and rage.
A manifestation, what was sometimes referred to as a guardian, of Rachel was inside the cupboard. It was hard to guess her age from her size, given how small she was now, but he'd guess maybe seven or eight years old. She was bone thin and wearing a grubby t-shirt with holes at the seams. Her face was wet with tears and she had bruises on her arms and legs. There were bloodstains on the cot beneath her. Beyond the manifestation of Rachel was a black void. If the Dark Lord was getting into Rachel's mind anywhere, this would be it.
Severus bent down. "Rachel. You are the guardian of this space. You must keep this door closed and locked. It is very important. Do you understand?"
The manifestation just peered back at him, her eyes wide and wary.
"The door must stay closed. You must keep her safe." He stood back and closed the cupboard door. There was time enough to take a breath before the screaming started. The cupboard door slammed open and Severus abruptly found himself back in his armchair. "Rachel?"
She looked at him. "Sorry. I don't know what happened. I was trying to concentrate on the room that you described, and then something happened."
"What did it feel like?" He had never been shut out of someone's mind so suddenly before. It was a little disorienting.
Rachel shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. "Like the walls were closing in, like I couldn't breathe. Do you know what happened?"
"I believe I found the hole in your shields and I attempted to close it." He watched Rachel, wondering how much he should say. It was her mind, she should know, but in the past she'd been very resistant to speaking about almost any aspect of her childhood.
"Attempted? It didn't go well?"
"Apparently not. I believe the next step will be bringing you inside your own mind so that you can attempt to close it." If he couldn't make changes in her mind, then she should be able to.
She frowned. "I'm really not very good at this."
"You are doing fine. We've only been working on this for a week and we're already making progress. We've identified the problem, which is a good step forward. Even for a natural occlumens, no one's mental abilities are developed overnight. I spent several years designing and creating the architecture of my mind."
"I guess. I feel kind of weird." She shivered again.
"Weird in what way? Are you cold?" He considered her carefully. Most people would not be having this sort of reaction to a legilimens in their mind unless there had been an attack.
"Maybe a little. Mostly I just feel unsettled, I guess."
It seemed clear that there was a strong connection between Rachel and her manifestation. He had upset the manifestation and Rachel was reacting to it. "Would you like a blanket, or some tea? Perhaps some time to rest?"
"Tea, if you're going to have some. If we're done, I think I'm just going to sit and read for a while." She pulled her legs up onto the couch and wrapped her arms around them.
"We can have tea, and we're certainly done for the evening," he said, getting up to floo call the kitchens. Now was definitely not the right time to discuss the contents of her mind. That would have to be a conversation for another day.
Rachel woke with her heart racing. She clapped her hand over her mouth to stop herself from making noise - she wasn't sure whether it would be a scream or a whimper. It took precious seconds for her to untangle herself from the blankets and to get down onto the stone floor. She pressed her knees, hands, and then forehead to the cold stones, trying to make right now seem as real as possible.
She was at Hogwarts. She was in her room in Severus' quarters. She was fine.
She wasn't fine.
Her nightmare had been a mess. She had been locked in her cupboard for so long that she'd been forced to pee in a bucket. Her mouth was dry and she was so hungry. They had forgotten her. She'd been locked in and they had left. She had felt like the walls were closing in on her, squeezing her, and then the cupboard door had finally opened. But instead of opening into the Dursley's house, it had been the room at the hotel. A man had been there and she'd felt his hands all over her.
She didn't want to remember this. She moaned and pressed her hands against her eyes, ashamed to find them wet.
Why was this still happening? It didn't matter any more, it was in the past. She was safe at Hogwarts. She was safe with Severus. The Dursleys weren't a threat to her, they couldn't do anything now.
Overall, her nightmares had gotten better with time. Nights like this only happened about once a month now, though she woke up from nightmares more frequently than that. Most of the time she could just remind herself that she was safe and that all of that was long gone. She distracted herself - read or meditated - and then she usually went back to sleep.
Most of the time she stayed busy. She studied. She did homework. She flew. She talked with her friends. Most of the time she could pretend she was normal.
Then nights like this happened and she remembered very well that she wasn't. It wasn't even about her connection to the Dark Lord or the fact that he and his Death Eaters wanted her dead, though that definitely wasn't normal either. It was the way that she'd grown up was very different from most of her friends and classmates. And, as a result, she was a different person.
She wondered if Theo felt this way too. He certainly had cause to, most kids didn't have a parent who had tried to kill them. She wondered if he woke from nightmares like this wanting to scour his own brain and skin. Maybe not. Maybe that was just her.
She sat up, freezing but in a little more control. She definitely wasn't going back to sleep tonight.
Part of her wanted to leave the room, even knowing the wards would let Severus know that she was awake, but she didn't want to explain to him why she was up and have to refuse a Dreamless Sleep potion. She didn't want to get back in her bed, the bathroom was definitely out, and she was going to make herself sick if she stayed on the floor with only her nightgown between her skin and the chill.
"Lumos," she said once she got her wand in her hand. It didn't take too long to take the blankets off her bed and make them into a nest on the floor. She didn't particularly want to read, her mind felt too full already, and she didn't think she could focus enough to meditate.
After a few minutes she went to her wardrobe and dug in her bag for her journal and her quill. It didn't take long to settle in her nest of blankets and to find a blank page.
'Things I want to stop: Nightmares (all). Thinking about things before Hogwarts. Visions from the Dark Lord. Professor Umbridge. Rita Skeeter and the Daily Prophet. Whoever is taking pictures of me at Hogwarts. Theo's father from contacting Theo. Neville's Gran from being mean to Neville and forcing him to marry someone. Severus from worrying about me. Severus (and other people) commenting on how much I eat. The war and the Ministry.'
It was a daunting list. Most of the things she couldn't really do anything about. She'd already asked Torey for help with nightmares, and Torey had wanted her to do things like write them down and talk about them and talk about her feelings about them. Rachel still didn't think she could do those things.
She didn't want to talk about them. She didn't want people, not even Severus or Torey, to really know about what things were like back then. She didn't even like that they knew so much now. She didn't even know what she'd say about them. It sounded so stupid. 'My relatives locked me in a cupboard. I lived there.' So what? She knew it shouldn't have happened, but it had happened, and now it wasn't happening. So then what? She didn't know what came after that.
She realized that she was stabbing her journal with her quill and put both of them down. She wished she could sneak out and go flying. She didn't want to think right now. She didn't even want to be in her own body right now.
Maybe she didn't have to be. "Nox." She set her wand down where she could find it again and settled in the blankets and tried to find her nowhere place. It had been a long time since she'd been there, but if she could go, then she wouldn't have to think about any of this anymore. She closed her eyes and worked on slowing her breathing and her heart rate. All she had to do was let go.
"How was your holiday?" Torey asked as they settled into their usual spots.
Rachel shrugged. "Pretty good. How about yours?"
"Good, I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with some of my close friends."
"That sounds nice. I got to spend a lot of time with Theo, and Severus of course, and I saw Sirius and Remus and Ginny on Christmas day. I wrote with the rest of my friends in our book, but it's not the same as having them around." Rachel shrugged again. She had been feeling off all morning, ever since her nightmare last night.
"It's not, but you'll see them again in a week, right?" she asked.
"Yep, they'll be back on the train next Sunday. Do you know much about occlumency?" she asked, a little impulsively. She supposed she should be asking Severus, but she didn't want to admit to him that she'd been up most of the night or that her nightmares had been worse.
"I was trained in occlumency and legilimency during my university program for becoming a Mind Healer. Some programs require that and some don't. Why do you ask?"
"Severus is teaching me occlumency and I was wondering if it could make nightmares worse." She had felt a little odd that evening and she had come to wonder if Severus being inside her mind had affected her in some way.
"I was under the impression that you are a natural occlumens," Torey said, not quite asking.
"I am in that I have an occlumency shield, and apparently a mental architecture, whatever that means, but I can't do anything with it. I couldn't even lower my shield to let the Unspeakable see my memory of the night of the third task," she explained.
"Your mental architecture is what you create inside your mind that you or a legilimens can interact with. Most occlumens have some order to the memories and something there to protect them. For people who aren't trained in mind magic, they tend to have a sort of loose flow of memories and thoughts that a legilimens can sift through." Torey paused, frowning for a moment. "I don't know much about natural occlumenses, but I'm a little surprised that you have a mental architecture. I was under the impression that what we term as natural occlumens only develop an occlumency shield, and even then, only after someone has touched their mind. Did anyone teach you to meditate while you were younger?"
"No, everyone asks me that too, when they find out about my occlumency."
"That's because meditation and clearing your thoughts is the first step to developing an occlumency shield. If you'd been taught to meditate, it is possible that could be how your shields began. Have either you or Severus identified any possibilities for how your occlumency shields came to be?" Torey was wearing the look that meant she was concerned. It wasn't much, just the change in lines around her eyes and the way she tilted her head slightly to the left, but Rachel recognized it.
"No, we don't know. Even Professor Dumbledore looked at my shield and he didn't know either." She wasn't entirely sure why this seemed to be a problem for everyone. The shield was there now and it didn't seem to cause any harm.
Torey nodded. "Have you visited your mental architecture?"
"No, that's apparently the next step. But I can visualize the doors, and that's how I let Severus inside my shield. He said he found the hole that's in my shield, but he couldn't fix it," she explained, trying to avoid telling her about her connection with the Dark Lord. "Do you think I had nightmares because he was inside my shield? I felt a bit claustrophobic for a moment while he was there, and then last night I had nightmares about my cupboard."
"I suppose we can't rule out the possibility, but I don't know how likely it is. Usually people don't notice any side effects from having someone's mind in theirs unless there was an attack."
Rachel frowned. She couldn't imagine that Severus had done anything in her mind like that deliberately, but she supposed it could have happened by accident. "Severus said something once about legilimency attacks too, what is that?"
"The most basic type of legilimency attack is aimed at gathering information, usually by searching for certain memories. A common side effect of this sort of attack is that the person will find themselves thinking about those memories. A less common type of legilimency attack is aimed at causing the person they're attacking pain, often debilitating in the moment, and usually leading to headaches later and sometimes blurred vision. You might also develop a headache if someone is attacking your shield," Torey explained. "Most people who are legilimens use their abilities in the course of their jobs, and were trained for that purpose."
"I definitely didn't have a headache. Severus said he wasn't going to look at my memories though. Could he have found something accidentally and that's why I had nightmares?"
"It's a possibility, depending on how organized your mind is. If things were in a disarray, he may not have been able to avoid bumping into memories. Do you feel comfortable having Severus teach you occlumency?" she asked, still looking concerned.
"Better than anyone else," she said reluctantly. She didn't really like the idea of Severus looking at her memories, even accidentally.
"Is he the one asking you to learn occlumency or were you the one asking to be taught?"
Rachel sighed as she tried to make a decision. She didn't want to lie to Torey, but she couldn't just tell her about the Dark Lord stuff either. She wouldn't mind Torey knowing, but Severus would definitely find out she had told.
"You seem a little uncomfortable right now. Do you know why that's a hard question for you?" Torey asked, looking even more concerned.
"I have to learn occlumency, but I can't tell you why," Rachel settled on.
Torey raised her eyebrows. "Is this something Severus asked you not to speak about to me?"
"No, he never said I couldn't talk about occlumency with you." She shifted as she tried to find the right thing to say to make this work. "The reason is because we have to close the hole in my shield."
"Is this something that you want to do?"
"Yes, I think it's important." That much was definitely true.
Torey didn't look any happier. "Is there a concern about someone at Hogwarts using legilimency against you?"
"No. I just can't tell you. It's important but I can't tell you why. I know you're concerned, but it's really okay."
Torey's expression moved more toward neutral. "I am concerned, as I would be about any under aged person learning mind magic, particularly in an unstructured environment, regardless of the reason. The fact that you've been instructed to keep it a secret concerns me even more."
Rachel frowned as she tried to figure out what to do. "Could I talk to Severus for a moment? Maybe he could explain it better."
"Would you be comfortable with that?" Torey asked.
"Yes, I think it would be for the best. But could you not tell him that I had a nightmare because of it?"
"I won't tell him, but can you tell me why you don't want him to know?"
"Because…" She shifted on the couch again. "A lot of reasons. He doesn't know my nightmares get bad sometimes. And I don't want him to think that he caused it to happen. He worries a lot about me and I don't want him to worry even more."
"I'm afraid that worrying is part of being a parent. I don't think telling him will cause him to worry more, and it's not just about worrying. Sometimes, when we know what's wrong, then we can make steps to help it get better. And, if he did accidentally cause the memory to surface, which could have prompted the nightmare, wouldn't it be better for him to know that so he can do his best to ensure it doesn't happen again?"
"Maybe. I guess. I'm just not ready to talk about it with him yet." Rachel shrugged.
"And that is alright. But I think you need to at least consider telling him it happened, if not necessarily the contents, before he goes back into your mind. Do you want to talk about this more now? Or discuss your nightmare? Or do you want to have Severus join us for a few minutes?" Torey asked.
"Let's have Severus join us," Rachel said, wanting to get that over with and not particularly wanting to talk more about her nightmare regardless.
"Alright, we can do that," Torey said. She got up and opened the door. "Severus, would you mind joining us for a few minutes, please?"
Rachel scooted over on the couch to make room. Severus looked concerned as he came into the office, his eyes scanning it fully before he sat down next to Rachel.
"I had a few questions for you regarding Rachel's occlumency lessons and Rachel felt you might be able to help offer your perspective," Torey said as she sat back down.
"Of course," he said. "Given that Rachel already has an occlumency shield, our lessons are not quite traditional. Right now we're just starting to work on allowing Rachel to have access to her own mental architecture."
Torey nodded. "Can you tell me what prompted these lessons?"
"I'm afraid I cannot fully disclose that other than to say that we've discovered a weakness in Rachel's occlumency shield and are working to correct it so that she is fully protected," Severus said.
Rachel fidgeted as she looked between the two of them. Neither looked particularly pleased.
"And the reason this is necessary is because you are concerned about someone attacking Rachel with legilimency?" Torey pressed.
"We are not concerned about an attack at Hogwarts. The only legilimens at Hogwarts are myself and the Headmaster. There are circumstances regarding the war that make Rachel vulnerable and unfortunately for the moment, for her safety and yours, we must keep those private."
Rachel frowned. Not so private considering that Professor Dumbledore told Sirius, Remus, and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley.
"I don't believe my safety is a concern in this," Torey said.
"Unfortunately it is. We've limited the number of people who know that Rachel sees you, I don't believe anyone outside myself and Rachel know your full name. If the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters believe you have information about Rachel, you may be in danger, more so for some information," Severus explained.
Torey sat up straight. "I have very good wards on my home and I am capable with a wand. My primary concern in this is Rachel's well-being and I'm concerned about her ability to freely consent to having her mind read by a legilimens who is also her parent."
Severus stiffened. "I assure you, I am acting with Rachel's best interests in mind. I can also assure that Rachel's mind is both organized and locked down. Even beyond her occlumency shield her memories are not in a place where I can access them, nor would I."
Rachel bit her lower lip. Maybe she shouldn't have suggested that Severus come in. This was both uncomfortable and not going very well. "Are you sure? Could you have bumped into one of my memories while you were in there? By accident?"
"No. You have a number of locked rooms, I presume your memories are inside. I did not attempt to access them. Is there a reason you think otherwise?" Severus asked, turning to look at her.
She sighed. "I had a nightmare, that was about a memory, and I felt claustrophobic, and I felt claustrophobic last night too for a moment when you came out of my mind, and I thought maybe you had found something in my mind." That was about the best she could do without saying directly what the nightmare had been about.
Severus shook his head. "No, it was not a memory. You have what's called a manifestation, or a guardian. It's an aware form of yourself inside your mind whose function is to protect you from mental attacks. It is standing guard over the hole in your shield. I attempted to close the hole, which upset the manifestation and prompted it to push me out of your mind."
"She has a manifestation?" Torey asked, her surprise obvious for a moment before she caught herself.
"Yes. I'm not certain how. I've never heard of a natural occlumens creating anything more than shields, but she has a full and organized architecture and a functional manifestation," Severus explained.
"I'd say it wasn't possible, but-" Torey gestured toward Rachel. "Rachel, do you remember anyone odd who may have spoken to you a number of times? A neighbor, or someone at your school perhaps. You might have vague memories about them, probably starting around when you were eight or older?"
"You think someone taught her occlumency and then obliviated her?" Severus asked. "For what purpose?"
"I haven't the slightest idea, but I don't have any other explanations as to how a fifteen year old has developed mind magic like this."
They both looked at her. Rachel frowned as she tried to remember. "No neighbors. The only neighbor I talked to was Mrs. Figg. My teachers never saw me alone except for the person I saw for a few months after I stopped speaking. I don't remember anything weird about anyone. I think it's important that I learn occlumency. If there is a hole in my shield, I want to fix it."
"The Headmaster was surprised that Rachel was an occlumens, so it wasn't Mrs. Figg. And Rachel is correct, we must fix the hole in her shield," Severus said, turning his attention back to Torey.
"If you are both set on this, I think it's important that you're both cautious. Let Rachel control the lessons and decide whether or not to allow you access to her mind. Obviously, in regards to the manifestation, approach it carefully. It's clear that your interaction with it caused a disturbance for Rachel and that should be avoided if at all possible," Torey said, though she still didn't look particularly pleased.
Severus nodded. "I will not approach the manifestation again without Rachel's presence, and she will be the one who will interact with it in the future."
"Good. And I think as things progress, we need to talk about what information about the war Rachel is receiving and what we can do to make it safe for Rachel to talk about whatever she needs to talk about with me. This time is supposed to be for her to discuss anything she needs to," Torey continued.
"There are things regarding the Dark Lord that right now we may not speak about. I will attempt to make arrangements so that it can be otherwise," he said.
"Rachel, is there anything you want to say?" Torey asked.
She wanted to go curl up somewhere. It had been very uncomfortable to listen to them talk like this. "No. I just want to be done."
