Thank you for the support.
So we are going to backtrack a little bit. Just to get Rachel's thoughts before we pick up where we left the last chapter...
Chapter Two
"I don't want to make another mistake."
Rachel knew all her reasons as to why she couldn't stay there any longer. Eddie was being too kind to her. Too much of a comfort. If she let it go on, then she knew that she would do something that she would later regret. There was already too much that she regretted about him. Too many mistakes. She couldn't add to them. Mainly because they were already causing a strain on their friendship. At some point, she would have to walk away. Even though that thought caused her heart to constrict in her chest.
She made a move to leave. Stepping out into the hallway for Eddie to push past her to stand between her and the door, the stairs helping him to trap her where she was.
"You aren't leaving," Eddie said.
"Eddie."
"I don't care. I don't want the next phone call from the police to be about you."
"Another mistake then. I should never have come here."
"Why do you keep talking about mistakes? You are allowed to make them. You are as human as everyone else, Rachel."
She knew she was. She had become so aware of how human she was. The fire helped with that. And with that thought, she could feel the scar on her chest starting to heat up. The reminder that she was only flesh and bone and completely and utterly breakable.
And it wasn't like she hadn't made mistakes in the past. It was just how her recent mistakes had affected others.
"Because I keep making them. More so since I've started Waterloo Road."
"What happened that day? On the last day of term?"
"Was my fault. I shouldn't have allowed Stuart to get to me."
"No, I shouldn't have gone to my mate at the council. I shouldn't have been the reason why Stuart lost all his contracts. I was the reason your secret came out. Not you."
She shook her head, unable to believe him. The only reason Stuart was in their lives was because of her. Because of ROCBEC and because of her past.
"For God's sake, Rachel." He huffed. "It was my fault."
"Okay. Maybe you can have that one thing. But I have the fire and the exam irregularities and Melissa and the Kellys. Even you. What a big mistake that was."
"What do you mean me?"
When it came to the matters of the heart, Rachel had always struggled to find the words. For someone who always knew the right thing to say, it was frustrating. She put it down to her early life. That her parents weren't people to outwardly show their affection and when her dad did, it was in a different way to how everyone else did. Hugs and kisses were replaced with punches and slaps. Words of affection and pride were replaced with demoralising comments and words of such criticism that Rachel found it hard to ever take any praise.
It took her years to learn that she should listen to the praise but she always listened to the criticism more. She always took the criticism to heart and although she would try and turn it into praise, she could never forget it. She could still remember the criticism that she was given on her second placement at university. The one that told her that she would never be a good teacher. There were days where she would silently shout at him, telling him about everything that she had achieved and that she was a good teacher. There were others where she would silently agree with him and wonder how she got where she was.
Which was maybe why she chose an action.
And she pulled herself close to him as she kissed him, wanting to be engulfed by him.
She had felt it earlier when Eddie had comforted her and she felt it again, even as their position changed slightly and she found herself between Eddie and a wall. She felt safe. And if she really wanted to, she knew that she could feel vulnerable. Eddie made her feel like that but it didn't feel like in a bad way. She didn't think that he would berate her if she allowed herself to say all of her thoughts. She could see him unpicking them, one by one, making them not seem as bad as she thought.
Maybe it was selfish of her but she didn't want it to end. In fact, she wanted to start undoing the buttons of his shirt. Maybe even sliding down the wall as she did so, kissing the skin that she was revealing before she found herself on her knees in front of him. They didn't have to move from where they were. He could take her up against the wall and she wouldn't have any qualms about it.
And then her brain caught up to what she was thinking and doing and she knew that she had to stop what was happening.
Because she was kissing and fantasying about having sex with her sister's finance while her sister was upstairs, possibly asleep.
She managed to pull away, placing her hands on his shoulders to make sure that he didn't lean in again. She was going to say something but she was unsure about what she would say. So she just tried to get away from him and out of the house. That was the only way she was going to make it any better. And she knew that she would have to avoid Eddie. She had been so stupid. She had been so guarded with her feelings for her to do the last thing that she should have done.
But she couldn't move as Eddie's grip was tight on her and when she allowed herself to look up at him, she couldn't help but notice how calm he looked.
"I don't think you are in the right frame of mind to be driving, do you?" He said, the calmness in his face being translated in his voice.
Rachel couldn't find the strength to even think about answering or to fight him about it. She allowed him to pull her up the stairs and to the door of the spare room, opening it up for her.
"There might be a couple of Michael's toys in there. Alison said that they were his to have at mine." He chuckled. "So I get all the loud annoying ones. But then again, I do feel like a big kid when I am there playing with his toys with him."
She felt her lips part, wanting to ask him to stay with her. She wondered whether he would have done. Whether he didn't because she didn't ask.
It was painful to watch him walk across the landing to his room. The room that he shared with Melissa. It was the reminder that Rachel needed. Because Eddie wasn't hers. He would never be hers. She had made that happen.
It hurt her more than she wanted to admit when he didn't look back at her before he closed the door behind him. Maybe because Rachel felt like she needed a sign. That maybe she hadn't been wrong in thinking that Eddie still wanted her. She obviously had been and it only made Rachel more aware of what she had done.
So stepping into the room didn't help. The guilt swam heavily in her stomach that she thought that she might throw up. She could go about ruining her own life but she had no right to ruin Eddie's at the same time. This was the thing that was going to ruin their dying friendship. The final nail in the coffin.
But Rachel did find the toys in a basket on the bed and as she moved them off, something caught her eye. A rabbit that looked like it had been loved a lot. She pulled it out of the basket and found herself looking over it before she pulled it to her chest, dropping her nose onto it.
It was a different rabbit with a different smell but she knew that the mix of the nostalgia of her own loved childhood friend and the hint of Eddie's aftershave would be enough to help her get some sleep.
She just wished that she could wake up and find out that the whole thing had been one horrible nightmare.
Eddie's mind was in overdrive. So much so that he had spent most of the night lying awake next to Melissa, wondering how she could sleep.
And Eddie found himself thinking more about Maxine's death than he wanted to.
Or he forced himself to think more about it because he couldn't think about the other thing that happened. The guilt and confusion was a weird mix that he didn't enjoy.
It was probably part of the reason why he was making breakfast for everyone but had no appetite for it himself. Even if he was trying to build himself up for eating, telling himself that it was going to be a long day and that he would need to be there to support… everyone. Rachel most of all.
Which was even more evident when she stepped into the kitchen that morning, wearing the same clothes as she had done the day before. She looked like she hadn't slept either with the dark circles under her eyes not helping her. And she looked as disgusted as he did at the thought of breakfast.
"I'm not a breakfast person." Rachel said as Eddie poured out her coffee.
"Nor is Mum," Philip said next to her, with Eddie glad that the boy was already up and dressed, helping to keep the atmosphere not awkward.
"But when is the last time you had something to eat, Rach? Lunch yesterday?" Eddie said.
"I'll be fine." She said.
"A slice of toast? For me?"
Eddie knew that it was childish. He was attempting to bribe his friend and boss in the same way that he would bride his son. And he could instantly tell that it was something that Rachel recognised and wasn't appreciative of. Just a look from her told him that. The glare that got anyone to back down. Usually, Eddie would have fought it for a moment before giving up. He found that most of the time, she was more stubborn than he was. And it wasn't like he didn't want to fight it. He wasn't stupid. He knew her now. He knew that she would choose the school over her own well-being. Just the last thing he needed was to annoy her when he wanted her to spend the day turning to him when she needed to.
"I didn't realise that you were going to stay," Philip said.
"Nor did I really." Rachel said, dryly.
"Has something happened then?"
Eddie wanted Rachel to meet his eye. Like she used to. She always used to turn to him for him to give his silent support before she did what she had to do. Instead, she was focused on something between him and Philip, not looking at either of them.
"Well, I suppose you are going to find out soon." She said, blinking for a moment before she turned to Philip. "Earl shot Maxine yesterday afternoon. She's dead."
Eddie knew that there was no other way to say it. There was no way to sugarcoat a death. Usually ripping the plaster off was the best way to do it.
But it seemed like the news had definitely taken Philip by surprise, with him looking between Eddie and Rachel before he settled on looking at his auntie.
"You can't be serious," Philip said.
"I really wish I was, Philip." Rachel said, before she blinked a couple of times before she finally looked at Eddie. "How are we going to do this, Eddie? I mean, it should come from me, shouldn't it? How are we going to get through the school day?"
Eddie felt like he could guess how she was going to be over the day. The woman who could be so focused on the job ahead of her was going to be as unfocused as the day her secret came out. Maybe that would just be in private. Maybe once they got to the school, she would become the woman that he knew that she was. Maybe it was just because it was still first thing in the morning.
"We will take it one step at a time," Eddie said. "But I think you are right. I don't know whether there has been anything on the news and you know Waterloo Road, rumours will spread. We do need to tell everyone. First thing. Call an emergency assembly. I can call the caretaker now. To start getting all the chairs out."
If her phone hadn't rung, he was sure that there might have been more of a discussion. And just by the look on her face and the groan that fell from her lips, he knew who was calling her.
"Matt." Rachel said as she went to answer it. "Get onto the caretaker."
Eddie did as he was told, grabbing his own phone to find the number that he needed and get it all sorted. Realistically, he wanted to listen in to the conversation that Rachel was having. He could guess what it was about. But the first part of the plan was in place and Eddie could already see a change in Rachel once she got off the phone.
"Two teachers down." She said, sounding a little more like the headteacher that Eddie knew, as she stood up from the breakfast bar. "I'll also call Janeece's mum when I get in. See how she is."
"Where are you going?" Eddie said.
"To get changed. I'm not wearing yesterday's clothes. Plus I slept in them." She looked up at the clock. "Shall we say… 20 minutes? My office. I'll call Tom to ask him to come in. And what we will do is brief the teachers before the bell goes for form time. The easiest way to do it would be for them all to go to their form classrooms, let the registers be taken before they go into the hall. And then I'll tell them. And then I've got a lot to sort out."
"We've got a lot to sort out." Eddie corrected her. "You're not doing this on your own, Rach. And I'll get Melissa moving."
Rachel seemed to nod a couple of times before she checked that she had her phone and her keys. He knew that she wasn't listening to him. Her mind was now in overdrive. Anything he said would fall on deaf ears. But he knew that it was still affecting her. Mainly because of the way she turned to Philip just before she left, planting a kiss into his hair. A move that made Philip go red. Something that Eddie didn't really blame him for. Philip was a teenage boy after all. He was probably long past acts of affection like that.
And Eddie knew that he shouldn't have done. The hallway felt like it was a forbidden place now. Especially for him and Rachel to be on their own. And he was grateful that she did stop when he called out her name. He was almost lost for words, with the tight space feeling stifling. He might not have noticed it before but her lips were parted slightly and he had to shove his hands in the pockets of his jeans, pushing them as deep as they would go as he kept his fist as tight as he could. Because he did want to reach out to her. And he did want to kiss her again.
"Are you going to be okay?" He asked, trying to shake away the thoughts.
"I don't really think that should be a factor." She said, flatly. "Everyone said that it would blow up in my face at some point and it has in the worst possible way. I'll see you at school."
He didn't even attempt to stop her. He knew that it would only cause conflict if he did. He stayed staring at the spot where she had been, wondering when things had got so complicated. His eyes went towards the wall where him and Rachel had been with a swirl of guilt and excitement building inside of him. He blinked as his thoughts were interrupted by a shout from Melissa, asking who had left. The excitement dropped and guilt grew as he started to make his way up the stairs to tell Melissa about what had been planned and he wondered how long it would take for the guilt to consume him.
Works well under pressure.
Eddie was sure that was the tagline to Rachel's CV. It seemed effortless the way she commanded herself over the day. In front of the staff and the students, it seemed like she was the unflappable head that she was.
Private was a little different. With Eddie only seeing how much it was affecting her when she thought that no one was noticing. Especially when she thought that she was alone in her office, with him seeing her looking out of the window, looking over her school, with tears silently making their way down her cheeks. He backtracked when he saw that. He thought that she wouldn't have wanted him to see. So he pulled open the door to the antechamber and allowed it to slam shut before he walked towards her office, seeing that she had moved to be standing behind her desk and the only evidence of the tears was that her eyes were a little red. The sadness that she had shown wasn't shown in her voice and Eddie wondered how she did it.
And he attempted to remind her over the day that it wasn't her fault. Not that he thought that she would take a blind bit of notice to what he said. He was sure that the moments where she looked like she was listening was only an illusion. She had already made all the decisions. There was no need to discuss anything.
But he knew why he wanted to be near her, reminding her that it wasn't her fault.
Because he wasn't just reminding her that it wasn't her fault regarding Maxine's death.
He was also trying to tell her that it wasn't her fault that the kiss happened without bringing it up. Just because his thoughts had been plagued by it didn't mean that she had even given it a second thought. He hoped that she had but he was very aware that he couldn't push it. Because he was sure that he would push her away for good.
And as he tried to get to terms with his own guilt over what happened, he decided that he couldn't bring it up until she did. If she ever did.
