Thank you for the reviews. I've seen that they are 'there'. I look forward to actually reading them when FF lets me...

Are we ready for this? Because I think that I mentioned on Twitter that the drama starts and doesn't really stop. Maybe I do take for granted how much you do trust me...


Chapter Three

As much as Eddie knew that there was a distance between them, it didn't feel like the massive chasm between them until after that night. After Maxine's death. After the kiss.

Things just weren't the same.

And he assumed that they would never be the same again.

He wanted them to be but he knew that he would have to get Rachel to talk to him. Which seemed like he would have more luck trying to talk to a brick wall.

But arriving at school that morning, things just felt different. She had given him a sad smile when he saw her and asked to speak to him in his free period. Maybe it felt that way because Melissa was on a course as part of her professional development. Maybe both of them felt calmer as she wasn't around. Maybe the guilt didn't hit so hard when she wasn't around to remind them of what they had done.

And if Eddie was being honest, he didn't think that they would talk about it. It was definitely something that they couldn't allow to fester between them. If he wanted to keep her in his life, then he had to do everything that he could to make that chasm smaller. If not, he was sure that at some point, she would disappear from his life and he would never see her again. Even if he was going to marry her sister. A thought that now caused his stomach to constrict in a way that made him feel sick.

Rachel did start to talk about other things, about all of the decisions she had made without, at the very least, his input. Not that he was against the counsellor that she had organised or the safe spaces that she was making so that the students felt like they could talk about their feelings. Maxine was, unfortunately, a quite loud voice in the school. Her whole year was mourning her as well as others who had been a part of the football team with her. The corridors had fallen silent in mourning and keeping the Kellys off of school definitely felt like a way to allow the school to do that without anyone blaming them.

That was one of the things that they spoke about. The reintroduction of the Kellys into the school. There was never going to be the right time and Rachel did have a point when she said that they'd already had their education disrupted enough for them to be off for too long and to go to any other school. Actually, they probably wouldn't be able to get into another school because everyone would associate them with Earl's actions.

So things felt like they were wrapping up and they hadn't spoken about what had happened between them. But Eddie knew that it was the next thing on Rachel's list as she couldn't look at him, her eyes darting around, not staying still for a moment, especially when it was in his direction.

"Eddie." She said, her hands joining her eyes in their restlessness.

"Yeah?" He said, hoping that it would spur her on.

"When… When I kissed you…"

He could tell that she was struggling. The more Eddie thought about it, the more it felt like a move that even Rachel hadn't expected herself to do. So if he needed to help her out, he would. He was trying to keep a hold of her. Trying to close that chasm.

"There are only two options, aren't there?" He said, glad that she looked up at him. "Either… you were lying at the beginning of term and there was something between us or it was in the heat of the moment. A random act because you were upset and in shock and… it was just a really weird day."

He felt like she wasn't expecting that. And he knew that he was giving her a way out. Giving a reason to say something else other than her true feelings. He wished that she would just be honest with him but he felt like those days had gone. They had gone up in flames. Maybe literally as he felt like she hadn't trusted him since her first day back after the fire. And he tried not to be frustrated by it. He was sure that she had woken up and was confused about everything that had happened in the time she had been in a coma. The number of emails that she must have read through once she had logged on. And he knew when she had logged on, with it being the only way that he knew anything about her wellbeing. He knew she was okay because he knew that she had been through her emails. Because she was thinking about work again. He just didn't know how much she knew about what he had done. He didn't do it for any reward. He did it because she couldn't. And because he knew that if it was the other way around, she would have done the same for him.

"It was in the heat of the moment." Rachel said. "I'm… just trying to say that I am sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. It's just… me."

"It's fine, Rachel." He said. "It was why I wouldn't let you go home. Because I knew that it wasn't safe for you to."

"And I do appreciate it. I don't know what I would do without you, Eddie."

He'll take it. He would grasp onto anything that made him believe that he could have a friendship with Rachel. He would hold it tightly, maybe even squeeze the life out of it.

But he couldn't stop the niggle. The one that told him that she was lying. That maybe it had been in the heat of the moment to begin with but it had become something that she had wanted to happen. He had felt how relaxed she had been there. The way her hands were wandering made him feel like she wanted more. And just the kiss itself. It felt like it was desperate. Like when she said about her mistakes regarding him, that was it. It was never kissing him. It was pushing him away.

Maybe he was wrong but there was a part of him that wished that he was right.


She didn't have a heart.

Not anymore.

It had shattered in her chest, damaging her lungs at the same time, making it hard to breathe.

Or at least that was what it felt like what had happened when she lied to him again. The words that her head made her mouth say, killing off her heart. Each syllable causing it to crack until it broke into a number of pieces, unable to be fixed.

So she tried to avoid him.

Which was quite easy when he was teaching for the rest of the day.

It was more herself and the way that she had to tell herself off for stopping outside of Eddie's classroom to watch him teach for a few moments too long.

He wasn't hers.

He would never be hers.

And that was her problem.

Not his.

So when he caught her as she walked to her car, leaving incredibly early as she found the school to be the last place that she wanted to be over the last couple of days (even more so as Steph was back, throwing silent daggers at her), it hurt more to stop than it would have been to walk away from him again. She could tell herself that it was just her attempting to bury her head in the sand, to ignore it and hoped it went away. To ignore him until both of them forgot each other. She would have to do something soon. And she would have to leave Eddie without saying a word.

It was probably the reason why she didn't argue with him when he said about taking Philip home. He said something about not knowing what time Melissa would be back but she knew that it was a ruse. It was more about her not being on her own than Philip. Sometimes, she just wished that Eddie would come out with it. Tell her what he actually meant.

But maybe that was the problem with them.

So much would be left unsaid.

And she was sure that was why the tears started. Why they ran down her cheeks, ruining the makeup that was hiding her restless nights. And they were silent at first. So silent that she didn't even know that they were trailing down her cheeks. The sobs starting made her aware of what was happening and then she was so focused on trying not to let Philip know that she was upset that she placed her hand over her mouth, keeping her lip together tight, allowing her body to shake instead.

She thought that she would stop doing it. That she would live not to regret the decisions she had made.

That was obviously a lie that she had told herself.

Because she knew that if she had the opportunity, she would do it again.

And she guessed that Philip hadn't walked into the kitchen because he had heard her. The glass signalled that he was there to get a drink and, if anything, she could tell that he had no idea what to do as he stood there awkwardly in the doorway.

"I'm fine." She said, her voice cracking as she wiped away the tears on her face.

"You don't look fine." He said as he moved the glass between his hands. "Is it because of… Maxine?"

"Yes. No. I don't even know anymore."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Philip, love…"

"Rach, you're upset. I don't care what it's about."

"You will do." She whispered.

"Why?"

Rachel knew that, at some point, she would have to tell someone about it. The breaking of her own heart wasn't something that she would be able to hide forever and she expected that she would end up spilling all to someone like Tom or Davina. Not Philip. Not the one person that was going to be in the middle of it all.

Because Philip did need a male role model in his life. Rachel got that she had a pretty one sided story when it came to Philip's dad but she had never met him and Melissa would constantly moan about how he had never paid any child support. Although with Philip's bombshell about Melissa still being married to his dad, maybe he was paying child support but Melissa didn't believe it was enough because he was an absent father. If anything, Rachel was understanding how little she knew about Melissa now.

But Rachel found herself making tea and handing Philip his before moving to the living room. It seemed like the conversation to have sitting down where they were comfortable.

"I've messed up, Philip." She said as she tucked her legs underneath her.

"Look, you couldn't have known about Earl."

"I'm not talking about Earl. Earl… I think all the signs were there, I just wanted to ignore them because I thought I knew best."

"So what have you messed up?"

She attempted to swallow the lump in her throat. "I hated that you told me." She said.

"About?"

"Your mum and your dad still being married. I hate that I know about it."

"So does she. I'm unsure whether she is still angry with me or not."

"Things were easier then. I could let it go on. I could be happy for them. Then you tell me that and I hate it. I hate that I can't tell Eddie about it and I hope Melissa is doing something about it. She says that she applied for it months ago but I am so unsure about why she won't say anything to Eddie."

"Sorry."

"It's not your fault, Philip. You had every right to tell someone. And I can see why you wanted Eddie to talk to her."

"So what does this have to do with you messing up?"

She bit her lip and closed her eyes as she thought about how she was going to word things.

"I'm no better really." She said. "I've been lying to him. And the moment I show him the truth, I can't help but feel guilty that I did. So I've covered it up with more lies and… soon, I am not going to be able to be in his life. Or Melissa's. Maybe even your's." She paused. "Something was building between me and Eddie before the fire. He had invited me out for drinks that night and I didn't know what to make of them. Then we never got them.

"And then I couldn't trust myself. And for some reason, I couldn't trust him either. A couple of pints too many and he pushes… and I push him away. It seems right into the arms of my sister. It was a shock at first and then it made more sense and then… the engagement. That was the moment when I wondered whether I could do it. Then you told me what you did and then I argued with Melissa over it and then Maxine and Earl and I was being too emotional and Eddie was being too comforting and he asked me about what mistakes I had made about him and I kissed him. I kissed him that night and thought about things that you definitely don't want to know about. The only reason I stopped was because I was kissing my sister's fiance in their house, while she was upstairs in their bedroom."

She looked up at Philip through teary eyes. Her nephew looked so blurred through the tears. She wouldn't allow herself to shed them. Because she shouldn't have told him. Maybe like he shouldn't have told her about his mother's marital status.

"Do you love him then?" Philip said, taking her by surprise.

"That doesn't matter." She said with a shake of her head.

"Of course, it matters. Do you love Eddie? Do you want to be with Eddie? Forget about Mum. You know if it was the other way around, she wouldn't be sitting on the fence."

It was a bit of honesty that Rachel was grateful for. Because Melissa was selfish enough to take something if she wanted it. Rachel could remember the affair that she had got herself wrapped up in a few years ago. How bitter and messy it got for Melissa to drop the guy because it wasn't fun anymore. Rachel could remember how she had raged at her sister for that. That she hadn't just destroyed a marriage but she had destroyed it for no good reason.

So she did hate herself for nodding at Philip. But that was more about her own morals than her sister.

Philip looked thoughtful for a moment and Rachel gave him the time to think over what he was about to say.

"Then do you want to know something else?" He said.

"Probably not."

"If you want Eddie, then this will give you a reason to try and get him."

"Will it?"

"Mum hasn't applied for a divorce. She isn't going to divorce Dad, ever."

"Why not?"

"Because he knows."

"Knows what, Philip?"

"That he isn't her first husband. That she is also married to someone else. She has already committed bigamy, not about to with Eddie."

Rachel was sure that, if it already hadn't done, her world had come crashing down around her and she needed to choose between her loyalty to Eddie and her strained relationship with Melissa. And she felt like she already knew which one was winning.