Thank you for the reviews.

Now... here is the first reason for that M rating... Even though this is the one that I felt like I could have possibly ducked out of if I needed to. I didn't. As you will find out.

And yes... Rachel is still spiralling...


Chapter Six

It was strange what a couple of days could do.

The feeling hadn't gone away but it didn't quite feel like the lump in her throat, which was threatening to choke her, that it had been.

The last thing she expected was the situation between Bolton, Paul and Marley. Which led to the horrible revelation that it wasn't Denzil who owned the gun at the beginning of term. And if Rachel allowed herself to think back to that first day, she could probably see that. The poor boy had been terrified. She had seen terrified boys being handed guns before. The way their hands shook. The unnatural way that they had held the guns. It made sense that Denzil had been handed it by someone who was a little more sure. Rachel just couldn't understand why.

She could understand why Bolton and Paul would stay quiet about it. Bolton even more so after she got a hold of the whispers that he was now dating Janeece. But she knew when someone was full of guilt and she could see that Bolton was. Probably more guilty about not stopping Earl from getting another gun and murdering his girlfriend's best friend than allowing an 11-year-old to take the blame for his brother.

And how she had ranted to Bolton about it. How she had taken out her own frustrations of not seeing it before that day on him. How she had blamed him because she couldn't bear to blame herself for missing something else.

It wasn't fair on Bolton. Something that she had told him when she got him alone a couple of days later. He had told her not to worry about it, that she was under enough stress and he probably deserved it but she couldn't let him think that. She knew the reasons to why he hadn't said anything. It was why she hadn't said anything about the brothel until she was questioned by police.

The problem was that Denzil's release only felt like a small victory in a dreadful series of events.

But it gave Rachel a boost.

It made her think that she could still do some good.

That she wasn't ruining everything.

That she could still do her job.

That she was being too harsh with herself.

Although, there was nothing new there. She still hadn't been able to work out how to give herself credit when credit was due. A million successes could never make up for one failure. That teacher who told her that she would never be a teacher was right.

But for the moment, she thought that she could do it.

She took a deep breath as she stood out in the car park, watching all the students make their way out of the school, returning to their homes. She wondered whether she would make her way home earlier than she had been. Whether she would spend some time with her nephew, who seemed to have moved into hers permantley to escape his mother's wrath. Something that Rachel hadn't questioned him on. After everything that she knew about Melissa now, she didn't want to know anymore.

If only her eye hadn't caught Eddie and Melissa. If she hadn't seen how Eddie had his arm around Melissa's shoulders. Or the kiss that they shared. Mainly because the kiss that she had shared with Eddie was haunting her, only making her want what she couldn't have even more. The longing hadn't diluted at all. If anything, Rachel found herself wanting Eddie more and seeing the way that he was with Melissa only broke her heart more.

"You could tell him."

Her head spun away from the scene to be met with an awkward smile from Philip.

"You're right. I could." She said.

"But you aren't?"

"You could tell him."

Philip sighed. "You're right. I could."

"I don't know, Philip. Telling him seems like it is more trouble than it is worth."

"Even if it would make you happy. I can't remember the last time I saw you smile."

She could. Just barely but she could. It was that last day of term. It was when she was walking through the school, so happy that things were going well at last. It was after Eddie left after asking her out for drinks. Oh, how happy she had been. How wide her smile had been. She was certain that she would never smile like that again. Mainly because she knew that she would never feel like that again. If she said the truth, then she knew that Melissa would be able to spin it, making any backlash come onto her instead. And even if she had fought for Eddie in the beginning, Rachel knew that Melissa would win. She couldn't compete with her in the past. Now wasn't going to be any different.

"I'll be okay." She whispered.

She didn't really know whether she was saying that for Philip or herself. And she wasn't sure that Philip heard her.

"Bolton has invited me around his tonight. Paul's going to be there as well. I think they… well they seem to be making an effort." Philip paused. "Apparently it would be fine if I stayed over. I don't know whether I will yet."

"Text me. Let me know." She said. "Holly text me earlier. Apparently, she could do with a night out of the house. I'll probably meet up with her now. Go and have a couple of drinks and a catch up. So it is up to you what you do. Just… let me know, please."

Philip gave her a tight-lipped smile before Bolton shouted his name and he left her side. And she watched him go, seeing that Bolton and Paul were making more of an effort. Maybe not because he had made his own mark. Maybe just because he was her nephew. At the start, there was probably something wrong with that. Not now. Rachel was sure that it was the reason why anyone had any respect for Philip. Which only made her feel sad.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket, wishing that the text she had told Philip about was there. And it wasn't like she was going to message Holly herself. She didn't want to be a stain on anyone else's life.

But maybe going out would do her some good. Maybe it would just take her mind off everything that had happened and… maybe onto something else.


Walking into the bar that she did instantly made Rachel regret her decision. A Friday night was never going to be quiet but it was the first time that she thought that she might bump into someone that she knew. Colleague or student.

It was probably why she walked into the bar that she had heard Steph moaning about being too expensive for what it was worth. So it definitely seemed like a safe bet. No students were going to go somewhere that they couldn't afford and Rachel hoped that Steph's review would put the others off.

It was as she was browsing the menu that Rachel realised that she hadn't done this in a really long time. The last couple of dates that she had been on had been either with people that she worked with or blind dates. The last time she had been in a bar, with the idea of picking someone up… well, she had been 19 and it had been for a completely different reason. Maybe not completely different. There was the small part that she wasn't looking to be paid for this… sexual encounter.

After all, it was Melissa that had told her that sex was good therapy and she should get someone.

Maybe this wasn't what Melissa had been on about but Rachel knew the consequences of having sex with the one person that she wanted to have sex with. Melissa would be less happy about that.

She almost bottled it. She wondered what the hell she was doing and the reasons for it. It wouldn't do what she wanted it to do. It wouldn't take her mind off of Eddie. It wouldn't lead her into finding someone new.

Only the moment she was going to call it a night before it had even started, the bartender asked her what she was going to have to drink, making her choose a drink from the menu.

Maybe she would just have a drink then. Just one. See if anyone did catch her eye and if not, she would leave.

Maybe she just didn't expect to know someone in the bar.

"Rachel?"

She turned to the person who said her name and allowed herself to smile. "Damion. Hi." She said, being able to allow the shock of seeing him to come out in her voice.

"I thought you didn't come this far north." He said as he leant against the bar next to her.

"I go wherever the LEA decides to send me."

"You are mad to still be a teacher."

"You aren't?"

He shook his head. "I lost my spark years ago. Couldn't handle it really. Kept coming home absolutely miserable. Lucy hated it. Told me straight that I needed to find something else. I mean, I work in the community now. So I still see the kids that I used to hate to teach. But they seem to have more respect for me now. I can't really explain it."

"I've always known where I can put the most good in the world."

"That has always been your problem, Rachel. The next Mother Teresa." He paused for a moment as she paid for the drink that was placed in front of her. "Although, I can see why you were always so… headstrong and dedicated to the students. I was waiting for the article that explained the whole story but the press never seemed interested and it seemed to all move on very quickly."

"It would have done. And the press wouldn't have been able to get the full story. Not off of me anyway."

"Why?"

"I was in a coma. I wasn't really in a position to tell it."

"Oh, God. It seems like we have a lot to catch up on." He looked over his shoulder. "Look, a few of us are out from work. Why don't you come over and join us? Unless you are here with someone or whatever."

Rachel peered over at the table and felt like it wasn't the worst offer she could have had. She nodded at him as she picked up her drink. Damion would be okay company. Maybe she could even get his take on the situation that she currently found herself in.


Brad worked with Damion.

He had been funny and flirty and Rachel found herself enjoying his company.

And, at some point in the night, they found it to be just the two of them.

And Brad had asked if she wanted to come back to his.

She wasn't drunk enough to jump instantly at his question. She teased him a bit before she properly made up her mind as to whether she was going to do what she had set out to do with that night.

It was how she ended up at his.

It was how she had ended up sandwiched between Brad and a wall, with them exchanging rather sloppy kisses. Her hands had been attempting to hold his neck still so that she could kiss him properly but she knew that he wasn't going to play ball and she was sure that she wouldn't get what she wanted out of this encounter.

When he attempted to lift her top over her head, she held it down, knowing that they both weren't drunk enough for him not to react and be repulsed by the scar on her chest.

Which was probably how they ended up as they did.

Half-undressed.

Lying on his bed.

She forced herself not to think about how she had been in this situation before. That this felt like something that was more for him than her. Maybe it was just because she stopped him from undressing her. Maybe he just took that to mean something else. Or maybe he thought that it was what it was going to be.

A one night stand.

Rachel allowed her lips to part as a groan slipped through before she returned to biting her lip. It was probably best that they weren't facing each other. That way she wouldn't feel guilty about having her eyes screwed shut and doing the opposite of what she should have been doing.

Because it might have been Brad who had one hand on her leg and one on her breast, with one of her hands over the top to stop the new skin from protesting at how harsh he was being. But Rachel knew who she wanted it to be. And that was why she was biting on her lip so much. Because she was trying to stop herself from calling out a different name.

Brad, on the other hand, was being quite vocal, which helped to break the illusion at times. Especially when he said things that she couldn't imagine Eddie saying.

But then, maybe Melissa did have a point. Maybe Rachel did need this as she could feel herself inching closer and closer to what she wanted. There was only so much that she could do for herself. Sometimes she did miss that feeling of being in the palm of a guy's hand. For them to do most of the work.

After all, she'd had worst sex. She'd had rougher hands on her. She'd been taken from behind a lot rougher than Brad was. And he wasn't to know that if he wanted to fondle one of her breasts, he should have chosen the other one.

She was glad that there was space to allow her head to go back, allowing her lips to part once more, especially when Brad started to kiss up her neck, concentrating on one spot when she gasped loudly.

Building and building.

She was close.

But she knew that Brad would always be closer.

His actions had become more erratic sooner than Rachel would have liked. She would have liked for his hand, either the one on her leg or breast, to have moved from its place. She knew that she would need more but the only time his hand did move was to bat her other hand away before it went back to its original place.

So it wasn't a surprise when he finished first. It wasn't a surprise that an old feeling came out of her to pretend to make it seem like she had as well. Those old stupid feelings from a time when she believed that the sex she was having was the only type of sex that she was ever going to have.

And when Brad got up to head to the bathroom to remove the condom, Rachel found herself lying there, wondering if she was still close enough to finish herself off or whether she shouldn't do that, just in case Brad came back and caught her. Maybe he knew and would come back to do what she wanted anyway.

That was good was what he had said on his return as he flopped down on the bed beside her.

She had nodded before saying that it was. She didn't mention that it could have been because of her own fantasy or that she had wished for a little more. She didn't mention that it had been the first time she'd had sex for a while.

Agreeing with him seemed like the best thing to do.

Agreeing with him felt like it wouldn't cause an argument. God knows she'd had too many of them over the last couple of weeks.

She didn't know why, but she expected that he would have fallen asleep quicker than he actually did. All she knew was that she wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. She didn't want the guilt or for the dirty feeling to start. And she felt incredibly guilty and dirty as she found her underwear and skirt. She didn't know why she felt like leaving him money. Maybe because that was what she should have done. She knew that there were male prostitutes. Where she would have hired one from, she didn't know, but there were a few boys that had the same job as she used to have at the same time that she did.

Because the same dirty feeling would have risen in her.

She was glad when the front door had a lock that meant that once she had shut it, the door was locked. She wouldn't have liked to have gone rooting around for keys that she would only have to post back through the letterbox.

It was extremely late when she finally got home and she was even more grateful that Philip had stayed at Bolton's. Because it allowed her the opportunity to get into the shower and finish what Brad and her fantasy had started.


Rachel had made a big mistake.

It was definitely up in her top five monumental mistakes.

Sleeping with Brad was the worst thing she could have done.

And that wasn't because of the email in her inbox from Brad with the subject of 'Round two?' or the one from Damion with the subject of 'When were you going to mention Waterloo Road?'. They were both going to remain unread until it annoyed her and then she would just delete them.

If she got that far.

Because it was even more evident how lonely she was and how the ache in her chest was due to the longing she had for Eddie.

Melissa's words circled around in her mind and Rachel couldn't stop them this time. There was only one way that she could save herself from it all. If only she could run off into the middle of the night. If she had chosen that option, she knew that she would have to go halfway around the world, just to make sure that she never bumped into Eddie Lawson again.

But she found herself wanting to give her sister that… peace of mind that she was never going to enter their lives again. Rachel knew that Eddie could make Melissa and Philip happy. There was no need for her to potentially ruin that. And it seemed like Eddie was going to take the secret of their kiss to his grave. There was no reason why it should go wrong. And if it did, then Melissa would only have herself to blame (however Rachel thought that she would never blame herself).

So with moving halfway around the world seeming like it was the difficult option, Rachel found herself looking for an easier one.

Back in the day, she knew the shady parts of London. And she found out that Manchester was no different. If you knew where to go and who to look out for, then you could always get what you wanted. It was but wasn't on her radar at the time. She'd never partaken in that side of the culture that she was in. It always seemed too dangerous.

But maybe she was always destined to follow her mum. Just in a different way. Maybe not the same substance or in the same way, but the reason would be more or less the same.

And she dressed up for the occasion. And her love of having cash seemed to work in her favour. She was sure that the guy didn't know what to make of her. Which is probably why he gave her the blue pills that he did. It was clear that he couldn't trust that she was a genuine customer.

She had to ask what it was and he told her easily enough. She knew that she would have to do her own research but she was sure that what he had given her was enough to do what she wanted to do. Meaning that she asked him for his price before handing over the money.

She knew that she had made a slightly rash decision. Meaning that she found herself agreeing to leave it a week to see if she still felt the same.

And then she would make her final decision.