Thank you for the reviews.

Now I felt like the best way to do this chapter was to not do it from Rachel's POV. I think we can gather what is going on in Rachel's head...

TW: suicide


Chapter Seven

If Philip was being honest, he didn't really know his auntie. The last couple of weeks had been the longest that he had ever been in her company and… he was really enjoying it. It was different from being at home. Mainly because it felt like Rachel was genuinely interested in his day, even telling him that she didn't mind what he said about it, she wasn't going to do anything with the information that he wanted to disclose. She also had this way about her that made him want to be around her. There had been one evening where they had been sitting at the kitchen table, him doing homework, her doing paperwork, and Philip realised that this was the longest he had ever spent in the kitchen outside of meal times.

But getting to know his auntie better made him think that he could see her in a different light.

And at breakfast that morning, he knew that she was in a different mood. And as much as she seemed happier and lighter, he didn't quite believe it. It all seemed a little fake to him. He had lived with his mum for long enough to know when someone was hiding something.

"Bolton had invited me around his again tonight. Apparently, I am now welcomed on their weekly game nights after helping them win last week." Philip said.

"Well, that's good."

"Rachel, they don't actually like me, do they?"

She shrugged. "I don't know that."

"Bolton is only doing it because of you."

"Don't be stupid."

"It doesn't take a lot to put two and two together."

"And you are getting five." She said before she took a sip of her coffee.

"I don't think I am."

She looked like she was thinking over what he said. "Okay, maybe not entirely. Maybe it is because you are my nephew."

"Exactly."

"But that is only a foot in the door, Philip. I don't think that they would invite you over again so soon if you hadn't made your own mark. I get it. Bolton does have a lot of respect for me. But that doesn't mean that you can't build on that."

"Still."

She smiled at him and he couldn't help but smile back. He did love her. He would never know how to explain that to her. The words and actions that maybe he could get away with saying when he was younger now felt a little weird now that he was knocking on the door of adulthood. It was the words and actions that Rachel could get away with as she walked over to where he was sitting and placed a kiss in his hair.

"I love you, Philip. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah. I do." He said. And I love you too. More than Mum. More than anybody. Don't ever leave me in this awful world on my own. Because I don't think I could cope without you.


It had been a weird week for Eddie. And the weirdest part of it was Rachel's behaviour.

Because, over the course of the week, she had become more talkative. And not just about work. They had spoken in depth about Michael and how he was doing now that he was at primary school. He got to show her all the pictures of Michael's that he had been collecting and he could see her smile again. Which only made him smile.

It was almost too much.

It almost took his breath away.

Finally, he could see her again.

The woman that he had fallen head over heels in love with.

And it was nice to see after not seeing her for so long. He wished that he had seen it sooner. That Rachel hadn't been herself. He might have done things differently if he had done.

Or listened.

He should have listened to her. He should have heard how unokay she was in her voice.

Hindsight was a truly awful thing.

"Eddie, I am sorry." She said as they sat back on the sofas and Eddie placed his phone back in his pocket.

"For what?"

"The other week. Snapping at you in the way that I did. It wasn't fair on you. Especially when you hadn't done anything wrong."

"I'm used to being in the doghouse for no good reason."

"Still. It wasn't fair on you."

"You still aren't going to tell me what was wrong though, are you?"

She shook her head. "But I am going to clear the air with Melissa. It isn't really fair on anyone that we have fallen out. Especially you and Philip."

"Melissa doesn't seem worried about him being at yours."

There was a moment of hesitation. A moment where Rachel pushed her lips together before she answered. He wondered whether he would have noticed it a week or two ago. He wondered whether that was because he was seeing her again or if she was opening up to him again.

"I get a feeling that Melissa and Philip don't have… maybe the same relationship as you will have with Michael." She paused. "It's like they cohabit a house. I can't really explain it. He does seem a little… more relaxed at mine. Despite me asking more questions."

"I have noticed that. Although, I'm not sure about Bolton and Paul hanging around him."

"Oh, I am." She said cheerfully.

"Really?"

"I'm not going to have the same conversation with you as I did with Philip this morning, am I?"

"What was the conversation you had with Philip?"

"That they are only friends with him because of me. He will make his own impression. And I don't think Bolton or Paul are doing this maliciously. I think they've just realised that someone has to make a move." She paused as he shook his head. "What?"

"Never change, Rachel."

"How do you mean?"

"I mean… I think I know the day that something is really wrong with you. Because it will be the day that you will give up on someone."

"You should have learnt by now that a little faith goes a long way, Lawson."

He found himself just smiling at her, knowing that it was one of the main things that she had taught him. That a bit of faith and perseverance would go a long way. He would hate to admit to her that he had given up on students in the past. That it did feel like they were lost causes and that his energies would be better placed in the students that wanted to be there and learn. Or helping those that weren't strong in maths to catch up, because they wanted to get it.

Never again though.

All because of her.


Ideally, Eddie didn't want to be at the school. He would have preferred to be at home. But he had already failed to mark the books in front of him once and if he didn't mark them again, he was sure that his year 11s would hate him, mainly because it was an important year for them and he didn't blame them.

There was also some paperwork that Rachel had asked him to do and he thought that it would be a nice surprise for her if he got it done as soon as possible. He knew that he wasn't the best with it. He was kinda a 'leave everything to the last minute' type of guy. But he had enjoyed seeing how happy Rachel was and he wanted to keep that smile on her face. A nice Friday surprise for her.

And once he had done that, he felt like he was on a roll, doing the budgets that he knew Rachel would be asking him for soon and even starting the projections for spending and exams results for the next academic year.

He was sure that he was purely motivated by attempting to keep Rachel happy.

Although, it was a good motivational tool as he seemed to speed through it all, printing off what he had done to run through with her that morning.

Feeling quite proud of himself, Eddie found himself with the biggest smile ever on his face as he left his classroom to drop the paperwork in his tray in Rachel's office and the extra papers on her desk. He could already imagine the look of disbelief on her face and he couldn't wait to see it for real.

Things definitely felt more positive than they were a week or so ago. He hated how things had become. It was the sort of conflict that he would avoid at all costs. But things were looking up and if Rachel and Melissa could clear the air, then he knew all his worries would go away.

Maybe he could keep Rachel in his life.

Maybe he could be selfish and have both of them.

He placed the extra work that he had done on her desk first, working out the best place to put them so that they were the first thing she would see in the morning. Then he walked over to the set of trays on top of the filing cabinet, finding his brow creasing as he saw the envelope there with his name on it, in Rachel's handwriting.

Every good feeling he had disappeared and the dread felt heavy in his stomach. This felt like the thing that he was waiting for. The bad omen.

This was it, wasn't it?

This was Rachel jumping before she was pushed and this was her leaving.

And just when he felt like things were back on track.

He had to instantly know what the letter said, swapping the paperwork over in the tray. His eyes scanned over it, with him attempting to find the sentence that he was waiting for but it never came.

Instead, it was worse.

And he found himself unable to read the letter in its entirety.

I can't do this, Eddie… There is nothing more that I value than our friendship… Please look after Philip for me. He needs a good role model in his life… I have ruined everything and there is only one way that this will stop… I hope you can learn to forgive me… Always yours, Rachel.

He hated it.

The tone of the letter.

He found himself shaking his head.

That couldn't be happening, could it?

He was already on the move before he could really think about what he was doing. He had to talk to Rachel. He had to know why she would write what she had.

He had to find her.

He had to stop her.

He couldn't lose her.

Not now.

Not ever.

It wasn't meant to be like this.

Things were meant to be getting better.

Not worse.

He wanted to know how he had missed it all but he knew why.

Rachel had wanted him to see what he had seen.

And if he thought that she was slipping through his fingers before, she definitely was now.

And he had to try and save her.

Because she had given up on someone.

She had given up on herself.


The dread caused him to drive erratically. He didn't care if he was going to get a ticket or any type of fine for the way that he drove from the school to Rachel's house. All he cared about was her and what she might have done.

There was a strange sense of relief when he pulled up on the drive next to her car.

At least she was at home.

At least he didn't have to go around Rochdale to try and find her.

The same number was already typed into his phone three times before he knocked on the door, calling out her name when he couldn't hear any movement. The longer she took, the more he knew that something was desperately wrong. It was a bone deep feeling. It was the feeling that made him press the button to call the number in his phone.

"Hello, emergency service operator, which service do you require? Fire, Police, or Ambulance."

"Ambulance please," Eddie said as he started to look for where Rachel might have left a spare key.

"I'll just connect you now." The woman said before another woman's voice came through the phone. "Hello, ambulance service. Is the patient breathing?"

"I don't know yet. I'm attempting to get into her house." Eddie said as he ran down the side of her house, hoping that he could get in somehow.

"I'm sorry, sir?"

"Look I am at 42 Vanguard Road, Rochdale. My name is Eddie and I'm trying to get to Rachel Mason. I believe… I don't think I was meant to find what I found until later but… I think she might be attempting to take her own life."

"What makes you think that?"

"The letter. It had about her not being able to do this and asking me to look after her nephew and be a role model for him. Something has been up with her but… I didn't think it would end up like this."

"Have you been able to gain access yet, Eddie?"

He was about to say no when he found a gate that looked like it was going into Rachel's garden. He dropped the phone from his ear for a moment to see whether he could get in, glad that the latch that was keeping it locked was easy enough for him to get.

"I'm in her garden now. I'm hoping that the backdoor is open." He said before he tried the backdoor, which was locked but after picking up a couple of flower pots, he managed to find the key. "I'm in. I'm going to find her." He said to the woman on the phone before he called out her name.

His sole purpose was to find Rachel, meaning that he rushed from room to room to try and find her. There wasn't the time to inspect her decor or how tidy everything was.

He just had to find her.

With him satisfied that she wasn't on the ground floor, he headed up the stairs, shouting her name.

It felt weird that Eddie had this sense of purpose. Like he was meant to be the one to find her. He knew that she said that she didn't need a saviour but he did think that she did. Because it was clear that sometimes she needed saving from herself.

He was sure that a string of swear words came out of his mouth as he found her, lying in what he assumed was her bed. He was straight by her side, dropping to his knees in a way that he knew that they wouldn't thank him for later.

"Rachel." He said as he shook her gently. "Come on, Rachel. What have you done?"

"Eddie, have you managed to find her?" He heard from the phone.

"Yeah. Yeah, I have." He said after he raised the phone back to his ear. "She isn't responding."

"Is she breathing? Try holding your hand under her nose to see if you can feel anything."

He did as he was told. "Barely." He said.

"Has she got a pulse?"

His hand went to her neck, with him having to ignore how clammy her skin felt. Things had gone too far now. Especially when it took him a while to find that she, thankfully, did still have a pulse.

"Sorry." He said to the woman on the other end of the phone. "I've found it but… it's really fast and… I did struggle to find it."

"Right Eddie, this is going to be horrible, but I need you to start doing chest compressions now. An ambulance is on its way. But the only way that we can make sure that she has the best chance of survival is if you start giving chest compressions now. Do you have any first aid training?"

Eddie sandwiched the phone between his shoulder and his ear as he attempted to pull Rachel off the bed and onto the floor, where he felt it would be easier for him to do as he was asked.

"I'm a teacher. Deputy head. It's… sort of required. The basics. I-I-I'm going to have to put the phone down."

"Eddie, just do what you have to do."

He found himself quickly putting the phone on speaker before he started with the chest compressions.

And it was awful.

The thought that his best friend was dying in front of him. That the power to save her was all on him until the paramedics arrived.

And he was telling her not to give up. That they still had so much that they needed to do together. That she couldn't give up on herself when she didn't give up on anyone else.

He told her everything that he couldn't say to her before. He could only think that the woman on the end of the phone thought that his energies were better placed in just focusing on the chest compressions but he had to tell her how much she meant to him and how much he loved her. It might be the last chance that he had to tell her and he couldn't let her go without telling her all that. There was no point telling her when she wouldn't hear him.

He was sure that the paramedics must have got in the same way that he did and he collapsed back as one of them took over with the chest compressions while the other one attempted to get her to respond.

Eddie knew that he wasn't an emotional man. The numbness that filled him after Stephen's death stopped him from crying. But he couldn't stop the tears over thinking that he was going to lose Rachel in a rather permanent way.

With this, there would be no seeing her at courses. With this, there was no chance that she would ever treat him like a stranger. With this, only one of them would be able to say goodbye.

And Eddie found himself pulling himself together as he knew he had to be strong for Rachel, helping the paramedics to get her out of the house and into the ambulance. He told them that he would follow on. He said about locking up her house and making sure everything was secure. He said about telling her sister about what had happened.

But the main question that Eddie was asking herself was how had it gotten so bad that it had caused her to do what she had done.