(See Prelude for Disclaimer).
~Chapter 4: Siberian Shenanigans~
That same night, over at the Mean Bean Cafe, Stone had drawn a picture of Robotnik and himself in a cup of coffee, he looked pleased and heard the door bell ring as Robotnik stepped in. Stone smiled, "Doctor. It's really you. You look different", he said.
"Papa's got a brand new 'stache", said Robotnik as he did a spin and posed scoffing in delight. Stone got up and got Robotnik his coffee, "I knew it. I knew it! I knew you'd come back, sir. I never stopped steaming your Austrian goat's milk", he said. Robotnik took the cup and drank it just as Knuckles entered, "Could use some mushroom", said Robotnik.
Stone looked to Knuckles, "You brought something. Some kind of space porcupine", he said.
"Porcupine? I am an echidna! Trained since birth in all forms of lethal combat, destined to restore honor to my tribe, and willing to destroy anything that gets in my way", said Knuckles.
"Welcome to the team", said Stone as he bent down and lifted his hand which Knuckles gripped immediately. Stone shrieked in pain as he heard his bones dislocate. Robotnik chuckled as he bent down to Stone's level, "That means he trusts you, Stone. Now let's renovate this dump!", he said.
"Latte with steamed Austrian goat milk!", said Stone as the entire coffee shop transformed. The walls shifted and flipped, revealing a massive computer with a Robotnik Empire logo with Badnik drones in the walls. The counter turned into a holographic table, all the while Robotnik looked on with delight.
[Time Skip]
Meanwhile, it was daytime over in Hawaii, where Tom and Maddie were on vacation. A volleyball rose into the air as Randall, Maddie's sister's fiance, jumped into the air and hit it; the volleyball flew into Tom's chest and knocking him down, he was on a team, playing against Randall's team in a game of volleyball.
Randall high-fived one of his teammates as Tom got back up, "Good one. Solid", he said. Randall hit the volleyball again, it then hit Tom, knocking him down again. This repeated again and again, with Tom being hit by the volleyball. Tom looked at his team, "Sorry, fellas", he said.
"That's game! That's how we do! That's how we do!", said Randall.
Tom laid on the ground, "But are they good at math?", he asked as his teammates responded with awkward looks. "Teamwork makes the dream work!", said Randall as he walked over to Tom and helped him up.
"Sorry about that, Big Tom. Are you good?", said Randall.
"All good. Fine.", said Tom as he and Randall began walking away from the volleyball field, "Hey. Thanks for inviting me out to hang with you and your groomsmen. Good quality bonding".
"Yeah, you know, bro? Those guys right there, they're way more than my groomsmen", said Randall as he looked to his teammates doing exercises, "That's my squad. Never would've made it through life without 'em".
"Get over here!", Randall's teammates called out.
"Yeah, I'm coming! I'm coming!", he called back as he raised a fist at Tom, "I'll catch you later".
Tom power-bumped with Randall, "Hey. Yeah!", he said.
"Let me know if you're ready for some power yoga", said Randall.
"You bet".
Randall laughed as he turned around and walked away, "What am I doing?", asked Tom.
Just then, his wife walked over to him. "Hey, baby", said Maddie.
"Hi", said Tom as he and Maddie hugged and kissed. A popping sound was heard, Tom and Maddie turned towards the sound, it was Randall and his teammates celebrating by dousing Randall with bottle of water.
"That's right! Groom in the building!", shouted Randall.
"Look at those guys", said Tom as he saw Randall and his teammates hugging it out, "I wish Sonic had that".
"Muscles?", asked Maddie.
"Control yourself. No. Buddies. Wingmen. A squad. Sonic doesn't have anything like that. He's flying solo", said Tom.
"Baby, you got to relax. You're at the four seasons. Have a Mai Tai. Spend some time with your wife", said Maddie.
"That's what he said. Seriously, his exact words", said Tom.
Maddie smiled, "See? He's a smart kid. He'll find his way", she said.
[Time Skip]
Meanwhile in Siberia, Penelope, Sonic and Tails were walking slowly against the wind of a blizzard, the young woman having put on her heavy winter coat and a hat in order to stave off the frigid air.
"I absolutely cannot find my way. We are completely, totally, unequivocally lost", shouted Sonic.
Tails looked at his Miles Electric's screen, which was flickering. "Sonic, in this weather, there's no way we're gonna get any readings on this thing!", he shouted as he tapped the Miles Electric's screen, "Should we go back?"
Just then, Penelope noticed something in the distance. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be an open bar ahead of them.
"Look, boys! It's a bar!", she shouted.
"The lights are on, too. Maybe we can take shelter in there", shouted Sonic as he looked over at a snowdrift and spotted some snow gear and clothing hanging outside of the bar. "Ahhh. Perfect", he said as he ducked back down behind the snowdrift.
"Are you sure about this? We don't know who's inside", said Tails.
"Normally, I'm against stealing but I literally only have one coat. So, I have nothing left for you guys to use to warm up/disguise yourselves", said Penelope.
"And besides, don't worry. On Earth, people are very welcoming, and love taking complete strangers into their homes", Sonic reassured.
Inside the bar, it was brightly lit up as the patrons mingled, socialized, and partied. The front door then slowly opened while the bar patrons' slowly became silent. They looked to see Penelope standing in the doorway with Sonic and Tails, the two being dressed from head to toe in snow gear.
Sonic and Tails looked into the bar, one patron slowly turned around and glared at Sonic and Tails, who gasped in surprise. Another bar patron slowly pulled out a knife and jammed it into the table, making Sonic and Tails gasp again. They then spotted an old lady sitting in a rocking chair and knitting, the old lady looked towards them as they breathed a sigh of relief.
Then the old lady revealed that she was knitting a cloth with a skull and crossbones on it, causing Sonic and Tails to scream in fear. The chef in the bar then used a butcher's knife to chop off a fish's head. The fish head lands in front of Sonic and Tails, the latter fainting with a groan and fell to the ground.
Penelope pulled down the coat sleeve on her left arm and brought her wrist up to her mouth, "We'd like a table for three, please!", she said. Her wristlet computer beeped before a robotic voice spoke out of it, saying "nam nuzhen stolik na troikh, pozhaluysta!"
A woman, who appeared to be a waitress, waved them over to an empty table. Penelope bent down to help Tails to his feet, "Come on, kiddo. I've scored us a table", she said.
[Time Skip]
Penelope, Sonic and Tails were sitting at the table, the former having taken off her hat and coat but told the other two to stay in their gear so no on would know what they really were. The waitress brought them a menu each, "(What would you like to order?)", she asked in Russian.
Tails turned to Penelope, "Can you ask her for two beef stews, and whatever you're gonna get, please?", he asked. Penelope took a quick glance at the menu before turning to the waitress, "We'll have two beef stews and a bowl of Borscht", she said into her wristlet computer. It took a minute to process the command before translating it to "U nas budet dva ragu iz govyadiny i tarelka borshcha".
The waitress, looking a bit annoyed, took the menus and walked away. "Thanks. I was gonna use my own translator but yours seems to work a little faster so I let you do it", said Tails as he held up his Miles Electric. Penelope smiled, "Thanks. My translator is more up to date and accurate, unlike those free to use online translators", she said.
Sonic turned to Tails, "Where'd you get all those cool gadgets, anyways?", he asked.
"I invented 'em. That's kinda my thing. In fact, my inventions are how I discovered you. Remember that night at the baseball field? Your energy blast reached all the way to my home planet. I saw you save your whole village from that crazy mustache guy", Tails explained.
"Wow! To think...there are even more planets with intelligent life, and just one energy blast was enough to reach them", Penelope said in wonderment.
"Wait, so you've been watching me this whole time? Even in the shower?", asked Sonic.
Tails laughed, "Ah, that's a trick question, Sonic the Hedgehog prefers bubble baths", he said.
"Man, you're good!", said Sonic.
"Or it was just an easy guess, after all I know how much you love your bubble baths. Hopefully Tails didn't find out about your rubber ducky...", Penelope said offhandedly.
"SIS!", Sonic shouted as he blushed in embarrassment. Penelope and Tails laughed together at his embarrassment before the latter turned to Sonic, "When I learned Knuckles was on your trail, I knew I couldn't just sit back and watch anymore. I had to come warn you", he said.
Penelope then stood up, "Will you boys excuse me? I need to excuse myself to the ladies room for a few minutes", she said. She walked over to where the restrooms were, as she did, a man sitting near the bar looked her up and down. He turned to Sonic, who he assumed was just a really short man, and gave him a wink and a thumbs up.
Tails didn't understand the gesture but Sonic did, and it made him angry.
That creep better stay away from my sister or else I'll use his face as a doormat to wipe my shoes, he thought.
Just then, a beeping sound was heard. "What's that sound?", asked Tails. "Oh, what? Hang on one sec", said Sonic as he pulled out his phone to see a text from Tom asking "How's it goin'?"
"Donut lord is checking in", said Sonic as he replied to the text, lying about what he was doing so Tom wouldn't find out.
Little did Sonic know was that, back over at the Mean Bean Cafe, Robotnik was tracking his whereabouts via his cellphone signal. Sonic and Tom's texts were being displayed on a screen, Robotnik, Stone and Knuckles were looking at said screen.
""Just chilling. Watching TV."", said Knuckles as he read the texts out loud.
Tom then began writing a reply, causing the typing bubble to appear, "Dot, dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot. Dot, dot, dot", said Knuckles. Stone and Robotnik glanced back at Knuckles for a moment before looking back at the screen, "Doctor, why are we working with this imbecile?", asked Stone.
"Because that simpleminded space trash is the key to something extraordinary", said Robotnik.
"Something to help you get revenge on the hedgehog".
"Think bigger, Stone. The emerald he seeks could power my wildest designs. My genius wouldn't just be recognized on Earth. It would spread virally to every corner of the galaxy, allowing me to harness all the negative forces of the universe and commune with darkness itself".
"Wow. That sounds big".
"It's been on my vision board for years. It's the law of attraction. Didn't you see the secret?"
"Kaplooey!"
"Kaplooey".
In the midst of Robotnik and Stone's conversation, Tom's text came in on the screen. ""Another boring night at home." The hedgehog has returned home!", said Knuckles as he read the texts out loud. "Falsa. Which is Latin for "wrong-o."", said Robotnik.
Robotnik hit a few keys on the counter, bringing up a hologram of Earth. "According to my worldwide network cell tower triangulation, he's lying, all the way...from the majestic hinterlands of eastern Siberia", he said. A topographic hologram of the Siberian mountains appeared, with a hologram of Sonic tapping his foot flying off of it and landing in front of Robotnik and Knuckles.
"He's a long-distance liar!", said Robotnik as he hit the hologram over its head before poking and prodding at it several times, "Yeah, there's more where that came from".
Knuckles then slammed his fist into the counter, damaging it and dispelling the hologram. "Tiny magic hedgehog destroyed. Now let's begin our quest", he said. He and Robotnik then turned to leave, until Knuckles stopped them.
"Wait. What about your minion, the goat milker?", asked Knuckles. Stone was seen sweeping up the broken fragment of the counter with a sweeping tray, "There's no room on the ship for Stone. I say we ditch him, ghost him, blow him off", said Robotnik.
Knuckles didn't look pleased by that, "Dishonor!", he said.
""Dis" is how I roll", said Robotnik as he walked out the door. Knuckles scowled at what Robotnik said as he followed him.
[Time Skip]
Back at the bar in Siberia, the bartender arrived and placed two bowls of some weird soup that looked like it had cow tongues in them and a bowl of some red liquid down at Sonic and Tails' table.
Tails recoiled a bit in disgust, "I'm sorry, but I asked for the beef stew", he said. He spoke into Miles Electric to translate, but it ended up translating it to "Your breath smells like goat poop".
The bartender looked offended, ("What did you say?"), she said in Siberian. The other people at the bar began to form a crowd around Sonic and Tails. "What's going on?", asked Sonic. "Maybe they think it's my birthday?", said Tails.
"Don't worry, I'll take care of this", said Sonic as he stood up on the table, "Okay, everybody, take it easy. I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for whatever my friend said or did".
Then, the Miles Electric translated what he said to "Stand back. I just farted".
The crowd removed Sonic and Tails' disguises, revealing what they really were. The crowd gasped at their true appearances, "Uh...meow?", Sonic said nervously.
("Throw these monsters in the fire!"), one of the bar patrons said in Siberian.
The crowd cheered and picked up Sonic and Tails, dragging them towards the roaring fire.
Meanwhile in the women's restroom, Penelope stepped out of the one of the stalls and walked over to a sink. As she looked at herself in the mirror, she reached into a small inside pocket of her suit and pulled out a small case.
Penelope opened it to reveal a pair of contact lenses; about a month ago, she had an appointment with her optometrist who suggested she switch from glasses to contact lenses, giving her a prescription. She was a little iffy about wearing contacts but now she was considering it.
Sighing, Penelope removed her glasses and carefully put each contact into her eyes. She looked into the mirror and was a bit surprised to see herself without glasses. "Huh, without my glasses...I look just like my Mom", she said softly.
Just then, Penelope heard loud shouting as well as Sonic and Tails screaming, so she bolted out of the bathroom as quickly as possible to see the crowd holding the two above their heads, carrying them towards the fireplace.
"Oh, no, no. Come on, guys. Take it easy. Let's talk this through. Let's talk this through!", Sonic pleaded. The crowd began preparing to throw Sonic and Tails into the fire when Penelope suddenly pushed her way through the crowd, "Let go of my brothers!", she shouted angrily as she grabbed the man holding Sonic. She delivered a swift punch to his face, knocking him to the ground and freeing Sonic.
Then she turned to the one guy holding Tails and kicked him in his crotch, forcing him to release the young fox. Another guy tried to grab Penelope by the arm, but then she floored him with another punch.
"Whoa, Sis! Where'd you learn to fight like that?", asked Sonic.
"The university has a few clubs you can join, one of them is the Mixed Martial Arts Club. I joined so I could learn self defense in my free time, but we need to come up with a plan because I can't take all of these guys on!", said Penelope.
Tails began accessing data from his Miles Electric, "Come on, come on! Scanning Siberian customs. There's got to be something in here!", he said.
"Tails, whatever you're doing, do it fast!", said Sonic.
"I think I got it! Pivonka! Pivonka! PIVONKA!!!", Tails shouted.
The crowd suddenly stopped approaching them, "Pivonka?", one of them said. The crowd parted, giving way to a burly man wearing an ornate red robe with the word "Champion" on its back in Serbian. "Da. Pivonka!", he said.
"Tails, what's a "pivonka"?", asked Sonic.
"It's a Siberian custom to resolve disputes. If we win, they let us go. If we lose…", Tails trailed off as they looked at the fireplace, the fire flaring up.
The crowd moved away the furniture from the center of the bar to create an open area. "Okay, we have to grab the map and get out of here. Where's the map?", said Sonic.
"Oh, no. I left it on the table! Look!", said Tails.
The bartender grabbed the map and placed it on a plate with other assorted objects, "Hey! That's ours, give it back! We need that!", Penelope shouted but the crowd kept her from approaching the bartender.
The champion then took off his robe and started dancing with several other people to a Serbian tune, the crowd clapping.
"What? Oh, my god, it's a dance fight", said Sonic.
"Well, I suppose it could be worse. They could've challenged us to a drinking competition, and none of us are old enough to drink", said Penelope.
(Quick Author's Note: For context, Penelope is only 20 years old, so she's not of legal drinking age).
"Penelope...Sonic, what do we do?", asked Tails.
"We dance and get that map. Here we go. Okay, now let's do. No, we're gonna go...", Sonic trailed off as he and Tails tried to dance but collided with each other and fell over.
Another bartender noticed the map stuck to the bottom of a cup. He tossed it away without a second thought. "Okay, this is not going well. Channing Tatum makes it look so easy", said Sonic.
"Channing Tatum? Really? That's the first person you thought of?", asked Penelope.
"Wait, guys. Look!", said Tails. He pointed at the map as it was stuck to the bottom of the champion's boot.
"The map! Come on, let's grab it!", said Sonic as he reached for the map.
The Bar champion looked down at him, "You want? Come get. Freaks!", he said as he took the map off his boot, and put it in his pants.
"Oh come on! Are you joshing me right now?!", Penelope shouted.
"Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! Freaks!", the crowd chanted.
Tails began panicking, which didn't go unnoticed by Penelope and Sonic.
"Tails? Are you okay, baby?", asked Penelope.
"What's wrong, Tails? Come on. We need you!", said Sonic.
"I can't do this, Sonic. I'm not brave like you or your sister. My gadget got us in this mess, and I lost your map, and we're gonna get tossed into a fire!", Tails whimpered.
Sonic then noticed the device playing the music. He dashed up to it, and plugged in his phone, causing it to play a different tune. "Ah! New DJ coming in! Come on, pal. I got an idea", he said as he started dancing, "They called us freaks, so let's get freaky. Just follow my moves. You'll be fine".
Sonic extended his hand to Tails, he grabbed it as both of them began dancing in synchronization. Penelope smiled as she tapped her foot in time with the music beat, "Hey boys, let me get in one this!", she said as she started dancing as well.
Starting in jazz first position (feet parallel facing front), her arms were at her side and her gaze focused downward; Penelope then curled her spine over slowly, being careful not to collapse at the waist. When she was halfway down to the floor, she bent her knees and continued to "curl."
Then Penelope suddenly leapt up, shifting the weight onto her left leg while in a wide stance, and then jumped so both feet were vertical together in the air. While her legs were in the air, she spun around on her back like a top, slowly sliding until she was in a laying position.
The crowd clapped excitedly, "Alright! Awesome moves, Sis!", Sonic called out.
Tails then used his Miles Electric to create several dancing holograms of himself, "All right! Backup dancers! Here we go!", said Sonic. He jumped up in the air and struck a pose, Tails took flight and lifted Sonic; suddenly, holograms of Sonic appeared, which were lifted by the hologram of Tails.
"There's a lot of me up here!", Sonic called out.
The champion desperately tried to out-do Sonic by dancing, but then he was astonished when he looked down; back on the ground, Penelope was squating with her arms folded, kicking her legs, alternating between high and low kicks. He was utterly amazed that she was apparently performing a Russian squat dance almost effortlessly, he soon fell over due to his shock and exhaustion.
Tails tossed Sonic onto a chandelier, which he swung around on, "I love pivonka!", said Sonic, "And big dismount!"
Sonic and Tails then landed on the ground on either side of Penelope, all three of them striking a finishing pose as the holograms disappeared. The crowd cheers, "Yeah! I'll take that", said Sonic as he took the map from the fallen champion.
The crowd lifted Penelope, Sonic and Tails up into the air as the victors of the Pavonka.
"Woohoo! We did it!", shouted Tails.
"Woo! Yeah, baby! That's how we roll!", shouted Penelope.
"That was amazing! Way to go, Tails", shouted Sonic.
[Time Skip]
Sonic and Tails were laying on the bar table, many of the remaining bar guests were asleep, save for the bartender whom Penelope was speaking to at the counter.
"Wow. Only Sonic the hedgehog could win a dance battle that epic", said Tails.
"Well, stick with us, pal. Earth can be a scary place, but we know everything about this old pale blue dot", said Sonic.
Penelope soon walked over to the two, holding three mugs with something steamy in them. "Hey boys, care for some hot chocolate?", she asked. They nodded as she handed them two of the mugs, then she sat at a chair nearby with her own.
"Say, Sis. I didn't notice before but...what happened to your glasses? You're not wearing them now", said Sonic.
"Oh, they're inside my backpack. I'm wearing contact lenses that my eye doctor prescribed to me. At first, I didn't want to wear them, but now it feels pretty comfortable with them on. So, I'm gonna keep 'em on", said Penelope as she took a sip from her hot chocolate.
Tails looked at Sonic, "Do you really mean what you said before?", he asked.
"About knowing everything about Earth? Well, I mean...not everything. But I watch a lot of discovery channel and…"
"I meant about me being your pal", said Tails cutting Sonic off.
Sonic smiled, "Of course, buddy", he said.
Tails hugged Sonic, "Woah-ho-ho! Comin' in hot", said Sonic.
"Awww!", said Penelope.
"Growing up, I didn't have any friends. Everyone in my village thought my two tails were weird", said Tails, "But then I saw you, the fastest creature in the galaxy. You were weird too. But you were a legend. That made me think, maybe being weird isn't so bad. You inspired me to leave my village, to find you and help you in your mission. Both of you".
"I'm really glad you're here, Tails", said Sonic.
Penelope then placed her mug down and walked over to Tails, pulling him into a gentle hug.
"Wha...? Ms. Penelope?", Tails asked in surprise.
"I'm glad to have you here with us as well, little buddy. And don't call me "Ms." You can just call me Penelope, or better yet, you can call me "Big Sis". I would greatly appreciate it if you do", said Penelope. Tails had the biggest smile on his face, his eyes going all misty as he nuzzled his fuzzy head into her chin.
"I'm glad I'm here with you guys too...Big Sis!", he said. Penelope set him down as Sonic jumped off the table and headed towards the fireplace. "Well, might as well get some sleep. This feels like a good place to spend the night", he yawned.
Penelope finished off her hot chocolate before she reached into her backpack and pulled out three blankets, "Now I'm really glad I packed these", she said. Sonic took one of the blankets from her and turned to Tails, "You'll be able to get clear readings on your gizmo thing once the storm is over, so I…"
Sonic trailed off when he noticed that Tails was already asleep on the rug, curled up by the fireplace. He draped the blanket over him before lying down beside him, "Night, Tails", he said.
Then Sonic looked up as Penelope placed a blanket on him as well, "Goodnight, little Bro", she said.
"Night, Sis", Sonic said before falling asleep.
As Penelope set herself up to sleep on the opposite side of Tails, close by the fireplace and using her backpack as a pillow, she saw
Tails' tails move so that they were covering Sonic. She smiled at how cute they looked before she finally laid down and went to sleep, which mean she didn't notice when Tails unconsciously moved closer to her in his sleep so he could cuddle with her.
The next morning, Sonic woke up and yawned; he then noticed that the creepy old woman from the bar was sleeping directly besides him, and clinging onto him.
"Tails. Tails. We have a situation!", he whispered/shouted.
Just then, the old woman was woken up by Penelope tapping her very roughly on the shoulder. She turned to see the young woman glaring at her with almost murderous intent, "Take your hands off my brother before I turn you inside out!", she snarled.
Her wristlet computer translated what she said into "Uberi ruki ot moyego brata, poka ya ne vyvernul tebya naiznanku!"
The old woman quickly got up and ran away in fear, Sonic stared at Penelope dumbfounded. "Wow, Sis! I've never seen you give that look before! You looked ready to kill!", he said.
Penelope sighed, "Well that was for a reason: nobody cuddles with my little blue baby except me! And also Ozzy and now Tails, I don't mind them doing it. Plus, you and that little yellow puffball look too cute together!", she said with a squee.
Sonic sighed and facepalmed as his cheeks turned red from embarrassment.
Ugh...what is it with girls and things being cute, he thought.
[To be continued...]
