Chapter 3

My lungs were wracking as I fought to get a breath and I felt so cold. Was this what dying felt like? I wanted the calmness to come back to me, the quiet and stillness but all I felt was the incessant need to try and breathe that brought a ragged pain to my chest. I was shaking violently and felt so cold that I was sure that the sound that I was hearing beyond the rasping from my chest were my own teeth rattling together. I didn't want to open my eyes and couldn't find the strength anyway. A weight seemed to lift from me, and I was sure that I was moving. Were the waves venting their anger at me as well?

"Use the blanket Jenson. We need to get her warm now that we know that she's breathing"

Words floated around me that meant nothing to me but as I felt something tight around me the shaking began to subside allowing me to welcome the darkness that enshrouded me.

I was awake, at least that was the emotion that came over me. The cold and the pain from my chest were no longer there so I slowly opened my eyes almost scared of what I would see. There was a dim light ahead of me, maybe the light that everyone said would guide you to the next level. I had no doubt in my mind that hell would be my destination. That was until a shadow passed between me and the light. The devil or an angel came to my mind but as my eyes cleared and I was more aware of what I was seeing. I was shocked to see that it was Jenson who was now sat next to me. Had I dreamed of travelling to the ocean? Was that dream a message for me, for what I had to do next?

"Lie still. You need to get your strength back"

As he disappeared from my view, I tried to look beyond the light into the dark shadows but had no idea what to think. Had I fallen asleep after Jenson had given that drink to me? I carefully rolled onto my back, every muscle in my body complaining and was looking up at the ceiling when I was aware that Jenson was next to me again. I felt hands under my arms, pulling me up until I was sat against something soft.

"Here, you need to eat this"

Looking down I saw a bowl with steam rising from it and Jenson moving a spoon toward me. Instinctively I opened my mouth to the gesture and felt something warm slide into my mouth which I swallowed. The warmth from the liquid travelled down my throat and then seemed to spread out to the rest of my body. There was no sound other than the occasion clink as the spoon hit the bowl.

"A few more mouthfuls and then we'll call it good"

I obliged, not sure if I really wanted to do as he asked but did it anyway. As the bowl moved away from me that was when I looked down at my hands surprised to see fresh white dressings on them. Had I gone back to bed after replacing them this morning?

"What do you remember?"

I looked up into Jenson's face as he asked that with the memory of what I was sure was a dream.

"Do you remember going to the shore?"

Was it not a dream? Had I actually travelled there? Then all of those memories bombarded my thoughts.

"The sea. I just had to go to it"

I felt the tears sliding down my face and then as a cloth carefully wiped my cheeks. I was supposed to disappear into the sea and become a part of it. It was the only thing that I could think of doing.

"I followed you. I was worried about you. You gave me a scare when you just walked into the water. I grabbed a buoyancy aid and called a friend for help before going in after you"

I closed my eyes not wanting to even consider what might have happened to Jenson. He might have drowned and died, and it would have been because of me, again.

"Gregory and Xander found us and pulled us onto their boat. They brought us back here and I called Neil to check you over"

So many people had gone out of their way and all because of me.

"I'm sorry"

I whispered, desperately overcome with the trouble that I'd caused everyone.

"I, err, told them that your name was Chloe Wagner. I know the name that you gave me wasn't right and I have to admit that until I wrote it down, I didn't recognize what it meant. I've said that you're my cousin's daughter, so no one will ask any questions"

I wondered why Jenson had gone out of his way to help me because I didn't think that I deserved for someone to do that. It also had me realizing that him letting me leave straight away might not be on his mind. Was I that stray that Anya had referred to?

"Anyway, according to everyone you're here to help me out while Anya is on maternity leave, that you're from down south so was taken by surprise at how cold and dangerous the water is"

"Help you out?"

The one thing that I'd picked up from the conversation that had me worrying was that I was suddenly becoming entangled with people from here. I mean there was Jenson and Anya and now Gregory, Xander and a doctor who suddenly knew of me. Was he serious or was it just a way of explaining things?

"Yes. We have the weekend for you to rest up and then you can come to the office with me"

Maybe my mouth was open at hearing him say that, but I didn't know what to say. I couldn't in all honesty just disappear now. I didn't think that Jenson would let me and maybe I did owe him. As Jenson left the room, I snuggled down in the bed to think through the predicament that I was in. Fate sure had a way of dealing with me. Being ostracized by everyone that I knew and ending up here in this town only to meet up with Jenson. Maybe fate was telling me that this was where I was meant to be. Did I regret what I'd done by walking out into the ocean? I didn't know, so maybe fate had a few more surprises for me. For now, I'd stay here and try to come to terms with everything that had happened, but I wasn't going to revert to being the person that Stephanie Plum had been.

Dreams came to me, and I knew that they dealt me with a heavy blow. What was weird though was that my dreams this time ended up with me floating in water, being aware that I was surrounded not by hate but something that dare I say felt comforting. Weird.

On waking I had to push down the feeling of panic and despair that I was carrying. It was a new day so maybe time to start a new life. Getting up from the bed I went straight to the bathroom suddenly aware that I was wearing pajamas, embarrassed at thinking who had undressed me. There was a new toothbrush and toothpaste by the sink, but I wasn't sure about showering in case it wouldn't be good for my hands and neck. Back in the bedroom I noticed a new set of clothes on the bed, again embarrassed that someone, probably Jenson, had put them there. I dressed quickly in the track suit bottoms and T-shirt and then went down the stairs to find Jenson sat at the table talking to another man.

"Chloe, just in time. Neil just arrived to change the dressings on your hands"

Neil was the doctor right? I was surprised that he looked so young and just stood there not knowing what to say or do.

"Sit here while I sort some breakfast out"

I took Jenson's seat and then felt myself being turned toward the doctor and as he lifted up my left hand. As he started to peel back the dressing, I watched him, probably because I didn't want to look at the mess of my skin and I was also feeling a bit anxious in case he started to ask me anything about how I had injured myself. He was a good looking guy, brown straight hair that was layered but touched his collar. His eyes were a deep grey on a face that looked serious as he did his job. He didn't really look like a doctor dressed in jeans and a bright red sweater, but he was very gentle.

"I'm using a different lotion so hopefully once the skin begins to repair itself there shouldn't be too many scars. It'll also help to stop the scar tissue from affecting the mobility of your hands"

I'd never thought about scars or how they would look or even affect me. I wasn't interested because to me I deserved the scars and any problems that came with them. I flinched slightly as his hand came to my jaw and neck then realized that he was using the same lotion there.

"I'll leave you with some more dressings and lotion, but in a few days, you can stop using the dressing. Do you have any other areas that were burnt?"

"No, not as bad as my hands"

I pulled up the sleeve of the thin T- shirt that I was wearing to reveal the red marks on my forearms surprised when he applied the lotion to those as well. As he carefully pulled the sleeves down, I was close to crying. I didn't deserve for someone to be so caring and found myself overwhelmed with emotions.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?"

I shook my head and was glad of Jenson placing a mug of coffee down in front of me.

"You want some breakfast, Neil?"

"No thanks. I need to check in on another patient"

Neil was soon walking from the room with his medical bag as Jenson placed some toast on the table. We sat in silence eating our toast with jam and drinking our coffee. I was just beginning to relax when Jenson started to ask me questions that I knew were coming but didn't want to answer.

"How did you get burnt?"

I'd answer but only by giving him the basics. He'd gone out of his way to help so maybe he was owed some answers, but I wasn't ready to give anyone any details.

"A fire"

"Did anyone get hurt?"

I nodded my head because that was the one thing that I didn't want to think about let alone talk about.

"Chloe, was it bad, did someone else not survive?"

Again, I nodded my head the feeling of total loss hitting me hard.

"Someone that I was close to, that I loved"

At least maybe that answer would sate his curiosity and knowing how upset I was getting he wouldn't ask anymore. He would have a lot of options of who that person was and what they were to me.

"You survived Chloe"

"I shouldn't have"

Just blurted from my mouth as tears fell down my cheeks.

"Was the fire an accident?"

Definitely not, but to this day I had no idea of what exactly had happened.

"It was me. I'm to blame"

I could see the thoughts pass over Jenson's face and had the sudden realization that he might think that I'd started the fire.

"I didn't cause the fire, but everyone told me that I was to blame, that it was all because of me that it happened"

The words came back to me from people that I thought loved me. I was to blame so I was guilty of what had happened. Something that I was going to have to live with and accept.

"When you're ready then I'll listen lass"

I let out a sigh, so relieved that Jenson was backing off from questioning me. It wasn't the questions that worried me but how he might view me. I felt as though I was teetering on a ledge at the moment trying so hard to accept what everyone had said to me yet at the same time trying to come to terms with how I moved forward. Jenson was offering me a lifeline which I was thinking that I needed if only to survive.

I spent the weekend in Jenson's house, resting on the couch or looking out of the windows over the river. I refused to watch TV, no longer interested in the mundane shows that were aired. Neither did I take up Jenson's offer of using the computer because no way did I want to look at any social media. I wanted to be lost to everyone so wasn't going to reach out to anyone. The one regret I had was not feeling confident enough to talk to Lula.

Lula had been the only person who hadn't blamed me for what had happened and had even tried to talk on my behalf, but no one would listen to her. I wasn't sure what she would be doing now, maybe still at the job where I had left her.

Jenson had left me for periods of time to visit his daughter Anya and to shop for groceries. Anya's husband was home, and his parents were staying with her in case the husband had need to leave. I never did find out what her husband did.

Monday morning came quickly with me being very nervous about Jenson's expectations of exactly how I could help him out. I was actually surprised that the offices where he worked were just down the street from his home, in a two-story red bricked building. The windows were high and small at the front and as we entered through the front door it became obvious that a number of businesses used the premises. To my left the glass door advertised a real estate while opposite led through to a travel agent. Jenson's business was apparently upstairs.

I followed Jenson up the wide wooden stairs taking in the pictures as we climbed. I recognized them as scenes of the river and estuary and sways of wooded areas, all of them probably local to here. I waited as Jenson unlocked a door and even as I walked through, I was reading the sign on the door, surprised that Jenson was a lawyer. I looked from the door to Jenson trying to compute what I was seeing. My only experience of a lawyer wasn't a good one and I really didn't want to taint Jenson with my views of that particular occupation.

"Chloe, you okay?"

I turned to look at Jenson who obviously had seen how I'd been looking at the door and immediately walked over to the desk. My dealings with one particular lawyer seemed a lifetime ago. I'd ended up marrying him, Richard Orr. That relationship came to a loud and tumultuous end when I found him screwing Joyce Barnhardt on our new dining room table. The divorce was loud, and the gossip ran through the Burg like wildfire. Of course, my mother was devastated, but not with him, but with me. She blamed me and accused me of not being a good Burg wife and that I should have turned a blind eye to his indiscretions. Looking at Jenson he wasn't Dickie and to be honest my life in Trenton was history now, a life I needed to forget about.

"Sure. I just never put you as a lawyer or how you think I might help out"

"This is where you'll work. Answer phones, type up reports and file"

Okay I could do that. It was mind numbingly boring enough that I wouldn't have to think about anything. I had a degree in business studies so what I was being asked to do should be easy enough.

"My office is through there and there's a storeroom through here"

Jenson opened the storeroom door for me to look inside. I'd expected to see reams of paper, pens, you know the usual office supplies but instead I was looking at shelves filled with boxes.

"These are old cases so when they were closed, I just put the papers into boxes. Maybe if you've time you could start to scan them and file them electronically"

I tried not to show how surprised I was at being asked to do that task because to me it would take years to go through those boxes and scan the paperwork before the electronic files could be sorted and saved in an understandable format. Jenson closed that door and was soon disappearing into his office leaving me on my own.

I removed my jacket and hung it on the rack by the door and then went and sat at the desk. Everything on it was tidy and orderly which had images of someone else that I knew in my past life who was anal over everything being in the right place. As though to shed the thought from my mind I immediately moved things around. The stapler came forward while the phone went to the side, and I emptied some pens in front of me next to a notepad. Picking up a letter in front of me I read through a list which looked to have been put together by Anya. It was a layman's guide to the job.

"I use the calendar on the computer which you have access to"

Was shouted through the open door from Jenson. I was half way down the list when I came to the information about the computer, the passwords that would give me access into the system and the programs to use. Once into the computer I found the icon for the calendar and opened it up. I could see the names against times, so I now knew who to expect through the door.

Jenson had very few appointments for the day, well only two, a young couple who needed a name change for the new wife and a gentleman who wanted Jenson to work on the papers necessary to purchase a new property. I stayed busy though as I read through Anya's notes until I felt I had a better understanding of what to do. I answered the phone when it rang, made appointments when asked or put calls through to Jenson. Time passed quickly and for the first time in several weeks I actually began to feel more comfortable with myself. Keeping myself busy stopped me from thinking.

It was just before 1pm when Jenson opened his door. He was reading a paper as he walked through and after placing it on my desk, he removed his glasses and squeezed the bridge of his nose.

"Time for lunch lass. I have no more appointments today so let's pack up"

I picked up the paper and put it into my in box to look at the next day before closing down the computer. After Jenson locked up, we headed down the stairs and out onto the street. I was surprised when we turned right, away from Jensen's house and started down the street.

"I thought that we could have a bite to eat at the local diner and then I have a surprise for you"

The surprise to me was what he called the local diner. It had wide windows with tables set out in front of them and a door that had a bell that rang when it opened. Looking through the door I knew that I couldn't go in. There were lots of people inside, their voices a cacophony of sounds, but they dimmed into significance as I looked to the booth at the back. I panicked turning and running across the street oblivious as to whether or not there were any cars. Even as I sank down on the grass overlooking the river my breath was coming fast and my heart was thumping inside my chest.

Flashes of memories went through my head like a kaleidoscope, images of when I had first met Ranger in that diner in Trenton. Closing my eyes, I willed myself to get control of my emotions but could feel the bile rising up my throat. I'd let him down in so many ways and now there was no way to put it right.

"Chloe, Chloe what's wrong?"

How did you say that the one man that you had ever truly loved was gone from your life forever? I couldn't and was once more hearing the echo of voices surrounding me, words that hurt me and a grief so deep that I was sure that my heart would burst like a fragile piece of glass.

"Chloe, talk to me"

How could I explain all of the feelings that had flooded through me? I couldn't, but knew that I had to come up with some sort of explanation.

"Too many people, too many memories"

Was the only thing that came tumbling from my mouth.

"Let's go sit on the bench, the grass is too wet and I'm too old to sit on the ground"

I felt Jenson help me to my feet and with an arm around my waist he guided me to a wooden bench that faced the river. A shudder went through me as I realized what I had lost before I had even found it and how ashamed I felt. I'd lost my one true friend.

"Chloe. Did the fire happen in a diner?"

"No. I let someone down with how I behaved, and the diner reminded me of him"

The guilt for the times that Ranger had had to save me swept through me. I should have listened to him, probably everyone else as well. I'd let everyone down with my stubborn and independent attitude.

I took the sandwich being held in front of me but only nibbled at the edges. Food was the last thing that I wanted. I was back to wanting to just disappear again, but I knew that no matter where I went the ghosts would always follow me around.

Eventually Jenson took the half eaten sandwich from my hand and then held my elbow to raise me to my feet.

"Okay, let's see if you do better with Gloria"

I was sat in front of a mirror watching Gloria behind me. She was moving her fingers through my hair probably trying to decide if she could salvage my hair and make it look decent. I was responsible for the mess it was in. Parts of it had been badly burnt and other parts drove me crazy when it irritated the burn on my neck. I suppose there was also some self loathing in there as well.

"Okay. I can work with this"

Was all that was said before she moved me across the room to where the sinks were. I had to admit that it felt good to have my hair washed and Gloria was very careful whenever she went near to my neck. She worked for what seemed like hours applying lotion, cutting and trimming, all the while with me facing a wall. Maybe she was worried what I would think while she was working or whether I would like it. To be honest I didn't care. My long curls were gone, a part of me that belonged to Stephanie Plum. which was probably why I had hacked it off

Jenson remained in a chair next to the window either chatting to people as they came and went or reading a newspaper. I had said that he could leave me, but he refused, probably worried that I'd have another meltdown.

When Gloria turned the chair so that I could eventually see her results I have to admit that she'd worked a miracle.

"Wow, Gloria"

"Do you like it?"

My hands went to my head just to make sure that what I was seeing was real.

"Your hair's too curly to be short so I straightened it, layered it and added some highlights. As it grows the curls will come back but as it gets heavier it won't be as curly"

I felt different and looked different in a good way. Externally I looked a different person now all that I had to do was sort myself out emotionally, build a new me.

"It suits you Chloe"

Came from Jenson as he ruffled the top of my head. I wasn't aware of Jenson paying Gloria and I knew that I couldn't allow him to support me as he was doing, so as we walked back down the street toward his house, I needed to talk that through with him.

"Jenson, I can't let you pay out money for me"

"I'll take it out of your wages"

I know that I frowned at that because so far, I had only worked half a day. No way would that pay for my board, clothes that he'd provided, or food that he'd cooked. He must have seen or sensed my dilemma because he stopped and faced me.

"I'm not putting you through the books because I can't. You have no social security number or tax return because you have no id, so I'll provide what you need for working for me"

I hadn't thought about that and was actually grateful to Jenson for being so honest with me and willing to work out a way for me to pay my way. I'd always hated taking charity from people, even those jobs that Ranger had had me doing I stopped as soon as possible because I saw them as pity jobs. I hadn't considered how an alert might go out if a Chloe Wagner suddenly appeared officially. I knew that I'd left anything that would identify me as Stephanie Plum in a box in my old apartment making sure that I was leaving her behind. I'd closed my bank account and withdrawn cash to bring with me but that hadn't been very much. My priority for that money had been on paying for transport to get as far away from Trenton as possible. I nodded my head as if to acknowledge what Jenson was saying hoping that it showed him that I appreciated what he was doing, though hoped he wouldn't get into trouble with the authorities.

"That's settled then. Let's head back and I can show you how to cook paella"

I'd felt very nervous with that idea because I just couldn't cook, hadn't my mother always told me how disastrous I was in the kitchen. That was exactly what he did. Being near to the coast gave a variety of sea food to use and I surprised myself. I actually enjoyed helping to cook the meal and for once felt a sense of accomplishment which also meant that I ate a reasonable amount. Maybe that was in Jenson's plans all the time