Chapter 8. The Fear of Falling Apart.
My journal never seems to get full. Every time I try to fill it I almost feel as though this won't be the first time around. My pencil dances on the page, mostly drawing Ibara because I like to draw with my now steady lines so it doesn't look like a five-year-old drew it.
This journal is one of the strangest things I've ever had. It reminds me of the Death Note. No matter how many pages you use, burn, rip up, it's never running out. In a way this is basically an autobiography. I just don't know if this is a loop or something similar. Am I just going to go over and over as different people?
I think of Momo and Izuku, how would they feel if one day I suddenly went back? They're my friends after all.
"What are you writing?" Fuyumi suddenly comes in, "Is that a girl from school?"
I jump and glare at her, "Sheesh! Knock!" I exclaim, "Yeah, it's a girl that sat with me at lunch the other day. She's strange."
"Strange how?" She segues.
"Well, she came outta nowhere to sit next to me of all people." I explain, "That and I'm not exactly the best conversational companion." I smile just a bit and continue to jot stuff down. I guess I have a choice now. Either the rich girl that's kind or the serene girl that seems to be a lot more of the spiritual type than most.
Fuyumi clears her throat to break me out of the funk I get into when I write, "Well if you ask me I'd just play it all by ear and go for whoever you're interested in so it won't be so hard." I laugh and she indignantly whacks me on the shoulder.
I smile and squeeze her with one arm. She hugs me back and I sigh. She notices that and sits next to me. Or tries to.
"Scooch over." she says. I wiggle a little and she nudges me, "Little more."
"Fuyumi, I'll fall out." I say. "Unless ya wanna see me eat the floor." She nudges me over and I fall with a laugh. The old frustration with me falling was gone now. Mostly because I was stable and it didn't hurt my pride as much as it used to.
"Listen, Shoto, you don't have to worry about a girlfriend right now. You just focus on getting a lot of friends and all that first. Then maybe think about a girlfriend. At my job a lot of the guy teachers try to flirt with me but I shut them down." she says, "So a little sisterly wisdom, maybe just take everything one day at a time."
I nod, "Okay, might as well because Dad might wanna murder my chances at a normal life with my normal girlfriend and normal job because I'm gonna be a hero and all that." I blithely state with just the normal amount of almost sad sounding tones, "After all who would wanna deal with a guy like me?"
"I deal with you!" Fuyumi declares. I shake my head.
"You're my sister, you have to." I say, "I'm talking more about a girl."
"You have tons of redeeming qualities!" She harps, "You make your own future, not Dad and not anyone else! So what if you like Yaoyorozu? You can like her and date her in secret if it makes you feel any better! Or if you like that Ibara girl you can do the same with her!"
"I'll keep that in mind," I say. "Just no promises right now if I want to continue down this way." I turn back to my journal and close it. Latching it shut and putting it in my bag. Today was going to be the Battle Training and of course I needed to be on the top of my game if I was going to win. I head to bed soon after and settle in. No matter what, my victory needs to be more assured than ever.
Because it means more than just my skills being put to the test but my future is on the line. A future decided for me. Even if that pisses me off the worst I have to stick with it. Only because I have a feeling that Dabi won't just stop pursuing me.
The next day dawns with me already up, practicing my ice moves. Going through the same motions as always with all the effects happening, switching to fire only when my ice became too much. I woke up early just to practice. I need to keep my training up. Always. No matter what. Every moment I'm not training it feels as though I'm getting weaker and weaker by the second. Images of Fuyumi and Natsuo, even Dad flash through my mind being burned black with nothing to be done about it.
I stop training to eat breakfast, changing out of my workout gear and into my school uniform. My journal is already sitting in my bag. I zip up my bag and head out towards the school. My focus is mostly on the battle training ahead of me. I get on the train and see everything whistle by when I stand in the middle of the morning commute.
The morning commuters all busy themselves going over work or other such things. I finally get back to UA and got into class with a bit of gusto. Mostly in a better mood than usual because I love showing off. I don't do it often. I sit at my desk and Momo sits behind me, smiling in her usual way.
"Good morning, Shoto! You seem to be in a good mood!" she exclaims, I nod excitedly.
"Well yeah! This is what I trained for!" I answer with a confident smirk, "I just hope I win." I laugh nervously with Momo being taken aback a bit by it.
"But you said you trained?" she asks.
"I did. But I'm not exactly confident…" I admit, "It's not a given that I'll win, so I just say hope so it won't be as disappointing." Momo nods and I just see the gears turning in her mind. Sometimes I'm good at telling that.
"Wow man, that's harsh!" Sero exclaims, "Ya don't have to be so hard on yourself, Todoroki!" he assures me with what I can only assume as a bandaid on the blast crater that is my childhood and adolescence so far.
"I'll keep that in mind, Sero." I say, bowing my head a bit, logging that in the mind for later because it's a comforting statement. As much as I didn't want to believe I had any talent with my quirk, I guess my ranking in the Apprehension Test helped me with showing my worth to the class.
I get out my journal and write down what I did that morning and what was coming. I sheepishly look back at Momo, who is more focused on thinking about what was ahead. It's honestly cute how much she strategizes.
It's almost as if every move she makes has to be perfect. Thought out to the very second. For me I just throw all caution to the wind, say 'Fuck it', and do it regardless. Smiling the whole time because that's what I do because no one else will.
Her dark eyes focus on me for a moment, "Shoto, are you sure you're alright?"
I nod, 'Yeah, just blithely aware that I might screw this up and possibly land in the Failure bin with my brother and sister.' I only think that all I can manage is just a grunt in agreement like a caveman.
"So what? Do you think I should borrow your credit card and buy Momo?" my thoughts cruelly replay that as I let the self esteem issues rear their ugly head again. No matter what it seems I can't really escape that. Of course every person has their own demons to deal with.
So here I am waiting for class to start and already feeling like trash. Must be a new world record. I just lay my head in my hands and stare out neutral as skim milk. A weird analogy but I always come up with those sometimes.
"What's the matter, Shoto?" Momo asks, "You're drifting off again. Did you not get enough sleep?"
"I just zone out sometimes, it's normal." I explain, "I trained a lot."
"Because of your father?" she wondered.
"No, because I want to. If anything, I still need a lot more training." I responded. She just goes right back to her desk and I turn back towards my desk, focusing much more on my journal and all that mostly because I just want to. Everything seems to fade out and it's just me and my desk and my journal. Sitting here writing in it.
All the sudden I'm jolted hard out of it by something that I think I held as important. Or someone. Big and muscular, looking like he leaped right out of a comic book, and grinning cloaked in a red white and blue suit with a blue cape billowing around him.
Dad's only reason for being as shitty as he is. The only reason I was born. Standing there and yelling, "I AM HERE COMING THROUGH THE DOOR LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!" that was far from normal.
I don't show a reaction, but my heart goes absolutely nuts. I don't get why people see him as a living god on earth. Like Superman. But not even a guy like him is without flaws. He seems to be the part of a Superman figure. Very cheerful.
"Good morning, everyone! Now I know it's exciting to be part of a new school year and everything, but of course you're all wondering where the real meat of UA is!" He takes out two wide racks and sets them on the floor.
They widen and out comes numbered metal cases. I see mine and I know it's my hero costume. Since I use both of my sides instead of not using one that made mine remarkably different from what I vaguely pieced together in my journal.
Mostly because I know I have to use both. I take my case without a word. I hear from him, "A little weird, don't you think?" he mutters.
"Well, Todoroki is a hard worker," Mr. Aizawa says, "I don't see him as weird."
"No. It's not that, just the fact he looks almost like Endeavor." All Might mutters, I look back at him and clear my throat.
"All Might. I can hear you." I say, "And yes. I do look like my father. I hope that won't make me lesser in your eyes." I bow respectfully and book it to the locker room. Once in there I take off my uniform and quickly enough put on my hero suit.
It's a blue suit with a harness on it and two wristbands that regulate my temperatures. My boots are grooved for traction on the ice I make. I gulp down my fear and try my best to put on a brave face. I look in the mirror and loosen my shoulders. Everything was gonna be fine.
I slide on a long parka-like coat and let it billow on my shoulders. I smile and walk right back out, my hero costume fit me like a glove, and the parka was actually light and breathable. I wait near the others with Mineta looking like a kid with a toilet seat on his waist. Not only that but a bright yellow scarf. Sometimes I wonder what's going through a lot of people's heads when they design our suits. I mean, I'm over here in a huge parka in what's supposed to be spring/summer. I adjust my wristbands and wait for the lowdown.
I notice Midoriya and Uraraka nearby, he's talking with her in his costume, a hooded piece that resembles a tracksuit with rabbit-like features. It looks homemade and he looks over at me.
"Hey." I say, "Nice costume."
"O-oh! Yeah, yours is cool too, Todoroki!" he exclaims, "My mom made mine."
I nod and think about if my mom was still with my family, would she make my costume? Moving on I see Momo somewhat off to the side with Mineta gawking at her. I walk over and see her in what I can only see as a leotard. It's red and exposes a lot of skin. With her quirk I wasn't really surprised but I take off my parka and hand it to her.
"Here, you're uncomfortable." I say, putting it around her shoulders, "Well, it's your choice to use it or not, not gonna stop you." she closes it a little and she buttons the neck. I smile and she doesn't look as uncomfortable as she was.
"Thank you so much, Shoto." she says, "I might have a word with the designers…"
"Maybe go with your stomach and thighs," I suggested, "Or some kind of mesh that's made out of your hair?"
"I'd much rather have that for my next costume, also for my back." she says, "This just isn't practical, and…" she glances at Mineta who is going Gaga over Uraraka.
"Very pervert friendly." she finishes, closing my parka over herself, "Thank you for the parka, Shoto." I notice a slight blush on her cheeks before All Might comes back out with a big grin on his face.
"Alright! Now I did the randomizing and here are the teams! We have Young Iida and Young Bakugo vs. Young Midoriya and Young Uraraka!" he exclaims, "For the second match we have Young Todoroki and Young Shoji vs. Young Ojiro and Young Hagakure!"
We all went into the viewing room to watch the first match. Bakugo swaggers into the building alongside Iida who immediately begins to clean like a machine. Mostly because of what I've heard Uraraka's quirk being. She can make things float, like Zero Gravity. Midoriya is weird. I get a strange vibe from him. But I notice a blond haired kid with a black streak in it and Mineta glaring daggers at me.
"What? You like what you see?" I ask with a cruel smile stretching on my face, "I saw your short friend there drooling over Mo- Yaoyorozu."
"I knew it!" Mineta screeches, "The class hottie is already taken!"
"They're on a first name basis!" Blondie yells, "That's so not fair!" I roll my eyes and turn my attention back to the screens, seeing Bakugo going absolutely insane about trying to take out Midoriya. The building almost gets annihilated and Bakugo basically scares everyone in the room aside from Momo and I and I think the Shoji kid I'm paired with for our match.
The brutal melee ends with Uraraka and Midoriya winning with All Might turning to us.
"So! Can any of you tell me what went wrong?" he asks, Momo raises her hand and I subtly see him glance at the roll sheet.
"Ah yes, Young Yaoyorozu?" he asks.
"Well. Bakugo and Midoriya were wildly off objective and Uraraka should be just a little cleaner with her operations! Tenya was honestly the best part of that run." she says, "Of course, that is just my opinion."
"Exactly! Excellently done, Miss Yaoyorozu! Being a hero means you cannot waste any time with grudge matches. Time is one of the most important elements to any heroic operation!" he exclaims, "Not only that but there's an old saying in the US… what is it?" he grows unsure, thinking to himself.
"Teamwork makes the dream work?" I ask, seeing him grin.
"Why yes! Being a team is also important, Young Todoroki!" he exclaims. I don't swell up with pride but I do appreciate the praise. All Might moves on and stares right at me.
"Young Todoroki, it's your turn to go and show everyone how it's done!" I nod and Shoji follows me out. He's tall, wearing a mask and has multiple arms almost webbed with tough skin. He grows a mouth from one of them.
"So what do you have, Todoroki?" he asks.
"I can make ice and shoot fire." I say, "Basically overpowered." I look at him a little closer, "But you can survey things, be eyes and ears in the sky."
"Right." he says, "I'm also stronger than average."
I think for a little bit, "Ojiro does look like a hand to hand combatant, can you try to be a shield or something?" I ask.
"Well, there's also Hagakure." he says.
"I can smoke her out." I say, "You can distract Ojiro." We open the door and I tore up some grass for kindling. I know Hagakure is invisible, and judging by how her costume was just gloves and boots I think she'd take them off.
The smoke is just to see her. All I need to do is handle whoever came first. Shoji listens with his extra ears, "They're moving." he says. "Mostly towards us, well, Ojiro is."
"Okay. Just stay behind me." I say, "I'm not gonna waste time." I let the coldness of my ice spread through the area, quickly swallowing the building as I walk towards the top, clearing the path for Shoji so we both get to the top. Seeing the core I needed to touch.
I pass by Ojiro and Hagakure, "Sorry about that. But time is of the essence." I say. Shoji watches as I touch the core and it's all over. It's not that I didn't want to do it, its just that I didn't feel like dragging it all out. I turn and leave the building, everyone seeming to stare at me as Shoji plucks the other two out of the ice. I just rejoin the others and Bakugo looks ready to murder me for just being successful and I guess I was right.
"Oi, Half and Half! That wasn't a fight at all!" he barks. I sigh and glare at him.
"That's the point." I state, "I didn't want to drag it out." I turn to All Might, "Like All Might said, time is of the essence." he seethes and I just sit down near the others with Hagakure and Ojiro still seeming down about it. I look over at them and get up to talk to them.
"Don't worry, I really wanted to let you guys fight! Maybe another time?" I ask. They just nod and I head back over near Momo, who is still trying to get Mineta to leave her alone. I march over and glare down at him.
Looming above him, my smile widening, "Mineta. Tell me. What's your game?"
"My game?" he echoes.
"Yeah. Cause you're not gonna get a girlfriend acting the way you do!" I huff, "You become friends with them first, then build it up!"
He looks down and I turn away, Momo interjecting, "Mineta, if you want people to like you, maybe don't be so obsessed with girls." He looks almost like he zoned out or something and I know he just ignored it.
I observe the other matches with each group having different results. Momo and Mineta won, but I did notice that he seemed a lot less focused on her. I don't exactly focus on the others all that much, seeing her deftly fighting back with a sword and shield makes me look at her with new eyes. She truly is skilled as she brings Sato to his knees. Her graceful movements and her serious expression. Almost like a dance or just the result of her being ultra rich. Blondie chuckles.
"Oooh! Looks like Todoroki's in L-O-V-E!" he laughs along with Sero.
"What? N-no! I just… like her moves!" I squeak, "She's just a friend from middle school!"
A hot pink girl with poofy pink hair and golden and black eyes and Hagakure both squeal, "FIRST SHIP!" They both run towards me full tilt.
"Oh my gosh who saw who first?!" Hagakure exclaims.
"Uhh… I saw her in my literature class?" I moved away from them, "She was really the first classmate I ever really interacted with beyond the casual norms."
To them, that seemed like a sealed deal. The girls huddle and mutter to each other as Momo and Mineta come back from their fight, Mineta mostly ignoring Momo now. She walks over to me with my parka neatly folded in her arms. She gives it back and I take it. She smiles and lingers just for a moment, her dark eyes staring right into mine, I back off and leave before everyone else. Mostly thinking about how my Dad wanted me and her to be together just based on our last conversation.
She's just amazing, while I'm playing Minesweeper with my dad just to keep her away from him. Ever since I saw her my mind constantly wanders to the thought of her. I just want to finally put it all to rest.
Should I really keep going with her? I've gotten close before. Close enough to where I can make the jump but I never do. My dad wants to control me, my mom is recovering, my brother is hostile and my sister is grinning and taking it. While I feel as though I'm seconds from breaking down. Seconds from becoming similar to that Dabi guy. Finally snapping after years of getting whacked around like the world's saddest hacky sack.
Not only that but it sucks. I'd rather be like Uraraka. She seems to be happy enough despite having a flip phone and all that. I think Shiozaki was right. I am conflicted and closed off. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to become him. I don't want to hurt my friends or my family. But every second I try to make myself happy I always remember that Dad would ruin it. If All Might hadn't existed, I wouldn't either. No matter how good my quirk is or how many people I surround myself with I can't escape it.
The best I can do is carry the weight. I always have, always will. Spite is a good motivator, but a shit teacher. I sigh and stare at the burn scar on my arm. It's small, but it's still something I hate. I was weak then, too distracted. Just like now.
Even if I win, does that mean I'd end up with a different outcome to my Dad? I'm just scared that if I fall apart like Mom I'll take others down with me. I notice something sticking out in my weird thought bubble. I see Izuku standing next to me, mouthing something.
"Sh-?" I hear, "Sho?"
I blink and everything comes back into focus for me, "Uh yeah? What's up?"
"Everyone's done changing out of their costumes. You've been zoning out a lot lately." he says, with concern in his tone. I smile.
"Well, it's not much. I just have a lot of stuff to think about." I explain, not going into specifics. He cocks his head but says nothing else. I walk out with him and he goes back to saying stuff, but I also notice that Momo keeps on staring at me.
She drifts closer and I pull ahead, I'm not talking to her anymore. Already too close. Gonna reevaluate later. Just keep walking, Shoto! I pick up speed and she's surging after me. At this rate I might as well sprint. She follows me and I just go anywhere other than UA since the day ended. I just keep walking, darting through a rather thick crowd completely ignoring the fact that my Dad was here. I didn't know he would be in this area.
I turn, expecting to have lost Momo somewhere near the school, no. I didn't. Because all the sudden I feel her hand grab mine from behind as I try to dart away again.
"Shoto! We need to talk." she says.
"There's nothing to talk about!" I deny, "You don't need to thank me for the whole Parka thing!" That's when I notice my Dad standing just a few feet away, he sees me and Momo. And all I want is for once in his life to ignore me.
Of course, like any good drama, nothing ever goes my way. He walks right up towards us as I'm trying to get Momo away from me.
"Shoto! Quit acting weird!" she chides.
"Momo, I'm serious, get outta here!" I hiss, "My dad is coming in hot! Literal-"
Dad makes long strides as Momo continues to mess with me, poking and prodding. Trying to get my attention. All I can see is the approaching doom. Like a slow motion trainwreck. If it was already on fire.
"Shoto?" he asks, "What're you doing all the way out here?" he looks down at me with what looks like concern, "Normally you don't-" his eyes shift to Momo and he crosses his arms, flaring up and glaring down at her.
"Fuck…" I squeak. Momo stands next to me, still holding my hand.
"Excuse me?" he growls, "I taught you to speak better than that."
"Oh. Right. Hi." I sputtered, "I was just heading home and Momo here lives nearby so I was walking her back to her place!" Dad looms over us and Momo lets go of my hand, which I didn't want her to do. The surrounding crowd scattered soon after his temperature went up, Momo clears her throat.
"I'm Momo Yaoyorozu, I'm Shoto's seatmate at UA." she says, bowing and making it pretty formal. Dad grunts and doesn't say anything. He squints, his eyes trying to see if she had any features related to her quirk.
It's honestly disgusting. The way Dad just cares more about the quirk than compatibility. He smiles and reaches out his hand for her to shake.
It engulfs her smaller, daintier hand, his meaty paw shaking once and letting go, "I see. You're from a long line of heroes, aren't you?"
"Yes sir!" Momo exclaims, smiling rather proudly, "I am!" And I notice the smile change. Just for a moment I see the same greedy smile, the narrowed eyes focused on the goal, but… They're focused on her. She notices it too and doesn't show it but I already know we're dead in the water as friends. Once again my dad ruins a friendship. He turns to me.
"Shoto. We're going to the Agency." he says, I let go of her hand and fall into step behind him, with my strides racing to keep up with him. I know he's excited but I just try to keep up. I hear from behind us.
"Shoto! See you tomorrow!" Momo calls. I barely manage a half hearted wave. Dad and I walk side by side, his flames rippling and warping the air a little around him.
"Shoto. I want you to marry her." he says, "Let nothing stand in your way." he looks at me expecting a 'Yes, father!' and a 'right away, father!' but that was so far from the truth you couldn't even see it from space.
"It's Momo's choice." I state, "That's all it is."
He glares at me, "Son. I know your tactics. You avoid things, push others away. You need a little nudge in the right direction."
"Is this your backhanded way of being my fucking WINGMAN?!" I yell. Dad blinks and then gets a little surprised.
"Did I do it wrong?" he asks.
"You creeped her out! You did the 'ah yes my lifetime maintained hate boner will finally soften!' face!" I continue, "And you wonder why I never dated anyone?" I smack my hand into my face and groan loudly.
Dad crosses his arms and growls a little, "Son, this is about your future."
"Oh don't you start." I scoff, "The only good thing you can do is leave me the hell alone." I didn't notice it but he all of a sudden closes the gap between us by grabbing me by the shirt. We were taking a backway so no one could see him manhandling me.
"Shoto." he snarls, inches from my face, heat going off him in waves, "I am your father. I do not appreciate that tone of voice or choice of words from you!" I glare right back but inside my fear is going crazy.
I try to gather my courage, but it's barely holding together, shoddy and barely staying strong against him, I finally find my words.
"I'll decide whether or not I marry Momo. I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there just DYING to have me with them!" I exclaim, "But I gotta say one thing…" My anger is fueling me now and I smile widely.
"If I ever have kids, and if you're still like the shitty dad you are now you won't see them." I see his flames lessen, his grip loosens just a bit. He loosens his hold and grows quiet. It charred my shirts a little and I walk out of the alleyway.
"I won't try to change for you or do what you say." I say, "I'm a hero by my choice. I'm using my fire by my choice. I'll be damned if I don't give Momo a choice."
I turn back and see him fully extinguished, "If you were as good a father as you are a hero, I think we'd be happier. But it's on you, I won't build the bridge for you." I walk away and instead of heading towards the agency I go towards the one other place I can think of.
I'm heading home.