Colin – Guilt

Benedict headed towards them shaking his head. "She said she's not feeling well." He turned to his Brother. "I don't know how you're going to apologise to her, Brother. She's always been quiet and shy but she looked as though she would happily fade into the wallpaper when I asked her to dance."

"So put your apology in writing." Eloise offered. "You seemed to have no trouble communicating when you wrote to each other. Penelope seems to express herself amply when she writes." The last part was said a little bitterly.

"If she won't speak to me, what makes you think she will read my letters?" It couldn't hurt to try he supposed. He wished to remove the devastated look from her face. The fact that he had been the one to place it there tore at him.

"Perhaps you express yourself better when you write as well." Eloise shrugged. "Or you could leave things the way they presently are and both be miserable."

That he couldn't do. He couldn't be responsible for Penelope's misery without at least trying to fix what he had broken. His life already felt emptier without her in it. When he glanced over to where she had been standing, he found she had gone.

Penelope had been his touch of home while he had been abroad. He hadn't realised what big dreams she had until recently. Now he wanted to be part of helping her achieve those dreams and he had blown it.

"Would you talk to Pen for me?" Surely Eloise could get Pen to understand that he hadn't meant to offend her. If he was honest with himself, he hadn't wanted the other men to dance with her or perhaps even court her. He had become entirely too used to having her all to himself. She had asked so little of him whilst hanging on his every word and was so loyal a friend. How could he have been so selfish.

"I'm afraid this is going to have to be something you sort out on your own Brother." Eloise headed back out amongst the party guests.

Violet Bridgerton shook her head at her daughter's retreating form. "I think they've had a falling out over something. You shouldn't expect your Sister to fix what you have broken regardless. Try your Sister's suggestion though. Write to Penelope."

What would he write though? Penelope had said that she enjoyed reading his letters. That they had made her feel as though she were right there with him on his travels, but was she just being the kind, sweet girl she had always been? He had to try.

Colin spent the rest of the party trying to work out what to write to Penelope. Sorry seemed such a small word. It didn't seem enough. When he thought about conversations they'd had over the years. Penelope had laid her heart out on the line every time and he had just been too self-absorbed to notice.

How had he not noticed? She had such an expressive face. It was all written there for him to see if only he had looked. Her big, beautiful eyes showed him her very soul, if only he had paid attention.

When the rest of the family had turned in for the night, Colin sat up attempting to compose his letter. How had Pen made this seem so effortless? Her letters had come so quickly and frequently that it had seemed as though she had sent one daily.

Dearest Penelope

I cannot begin to express my regret at my thoughtless words. My sentiments earlier were truthful. I will always look after you Penelope. You are special to me. My dancing with you that evening prompted several gentlemen to see you in another light. A more favourable light.

I had become so comfortable keeping you to myself that I let my ego get the better of me and spoke without thinking about the repercussions it would have you. I selfishly wanted to keep you to myself.

My God. He had been jealous. When had that happened? Marina had been right. Penelope had been right in front of him this entire time. He had been heartbroken when he had found out that Marina had used him. Or so he thought. Now that he thought about it, it was more that he was humiliated because he had been so sure that he had known Marina better than Penelope. It had been arrogant of him. Of course Penelope had known her better. Marina was her cousin and living in her house.

At Daphne's ball, Penelope had told him there was no shame in being in love. When he had returned home from his travels it had been a happy surprise to find her there with his family. It was as though she belonged there. She brightened every room she walked into and not just because she was usually wearing yellow.

Colin sighed. He wished he could speak to Penelope face to face, but she wasn't eager to speak to him at all.

Please forgive my ignorance regarding you and your feelings. I am more sorry than I can ever express in one tiny word.

Yours

Colin

It wasn't his best effort, but he wanted to make sure he at least tried before the season ended and the Featheringtons left town.