Youth is nothing but a series of lies and delusions implanted in our formative years, that we experience over late adolescence; this is what I would've honestly written 19 months ago if anyone bothered to ask.

Three years ago if you asked the squeaky-voiced version of myself I would've provided a cliche answer about a time of new experiences and personal growth but would've experienced none of it.

But things change, now I believe that youth is a series of events we use to form a more concrete and independent identity. When we are younger we tend to base our identity on our caregivers i.e. our families.

My old views were shattered by a veneer of kindness and then reformed by an anvil of integrity.

By meeting a guy who tries to do right by people. A nice girl who's actually just that nice. An ice queen who won't stand for injustice. These people helped reform my view of society. These people became my closest associates aka friends. They were the ones who really introduced me to that tiny but so significant word.

I had been unsure of what we really were but was too cowardly to ask. From each of my nascent friendships, I learned something.

From the boy who tried to do right. I learned that imperfection doesn't devalue attempted goodness. He always tried to do right by others, his family, his peers, his friends, and himself. But he was never perfect. He wasn't perfect but he was good and that was what really mattered. We may struggle and writhe for an ideal that is never achieved but any progress made is still something to be celebrated.

From the girl, I learned friendliness and courtesy aren't lies. She was the daughter of a diplomat but her attempts to be friendly were inclusive. Her worldview was diametrically opposed to mine but we still found ways to respect each other. I never really believed in her kindness until the day before a banquet. She took me aside and offered to teach me how to eat a twelve-course meal without looking like a simpleton, that they got off of the streets (even though that was exactly what I was). It seemed too good to be true, someone who had rubbed shoulders with blue blood her whole life, offering to train me.

I kept waiting for a catch or pitfall but there never was one. She taught me because she was kind, nothing more. The old me probably could've broken it down into cynical motivations but eventually, I broke down and started offering people the benefit of the doubt.

Finally the ruby-eyed ice princess, I don't know what lesson I learned from her, but there definitely was one to be learned. I thought like many of the uncompassionate elites of the academy she was all facades and social climbing. Until I saw her break decorum just to make a friend happy. If I had to posit a guess then I'd say that she taught me about how preconceived notions about others are just that preconceived notions

Overall, asking me to look back on my youth is like looking back at history. First, there was a time of little growth or change, then I was plunged into a dark age, and finally, I entered a renaissance. The path of youth had certainly been turbulent but it was never wrong.

Sincerely,

Hikigaya Hachiman.

I set down the essay and sighed. So this was the Shuuchin transfer student. He had been polite when I met him and seemed eager to fade to the background. It wasn't odd that someone from the best school in Japan didn't want others to know that they had been forcefully removed. At least that's what I assumed, but I'm only a modern Japanese teacher. All of this was above my pay grade.

In class, he was polite but made no effort to stand out or befriend anyone. I wanted to interact with him and get a better feel for his motivations but there was no cause to do so. The essay was solid, even with above college level grading still warranting at least a ninety-six percent.

He had talked about looking up to someone who tried to do right. Maybe I had another idea.

~/~

"Hiratsuka-sensei, is there a problem with the essay I turned in?" Hikigaya stood in front of me, eyes slightly shifty, posture somewhat slouched, and tone totally bored. He didn't look down on me per say but his eyes held the look of a predator. A tiger watching over a lamb until it gets boring. The lack of emotion in those flat orbs spoke to the absolute confidence that I could do nothing to harm him.

It pissed me off, especially the fact that it didn't seem like this was an air he was assuming he was just genuinely unafraid of me. I wanted to discipline him somehow but he had done nothing wrong and though I loathe it sometimes, I am a professional.

~/~

She kept eyeing me, what the hell is up with that. All day the pink-haired girl, Yuigahama, as I'd learned from role-call periodically snuck glances at me approximately every six seconds. I mean I know why, last summer before my first day of high school, Komachi's school had started earlier in the year than mine. I'd been in such a good mood the last few days that I'd been taking her to school myself and then going on celebratory bike rides. Shenanigans ensued and I ended up saving her dachshund and getting hit by a car.

Surprisingly despite the pain, I'd felt quite proud of myself before I passed out from shock. I'd learned from a self-defense instructor how to absorb impact so fortunately nothing was broken but my left side was extensively damaged.

I found this out by waking up alone in a hospital bed and scanning the medical chart next to my cot. I'd had no ID on me so the emergency services had absolutely no idea who I was or who they needed to contact. In an (I like to think) daring act of delinquency, I slipped into my clothes and out of the hospital. I'd gone home in time to get dinner ready for Komachi and lied that I had a new case to research so that was why I was spending all my time in my room. I did learn some cool makeup tricks online to cover up the bruising on my face and neck.

I'd again used those same tricks this morning to cover up the bruise that my father had left on my cheek.

I assume she's glancing at me because of some sense of guilt and culpability that she feels. It seems easiest to accept a little gratitude if she chooses to do so and then move on. As long as she stops staring at me.

Speaking of staring at me, Hiratsuka-Sensei, the pretty, japanese language teacher has been staring at me in her (shared) office for the last seventeen seconds.

"Hiratsuka-Sensei, is there something I can help you with?" I asked again, gently, no point making enemies on day one.

She blinked, rapidly, returning from her musings. "Oh no, actually Hikigaya there is something that I can help you with."

I chose to remain silent, don't let her catch on to how confused I am.

She sighed at my lack of response and then continued. "In your essay you spoke of the friends you admired who helped others freely and always tried to do right by those around them. Well I'm giving you a chance to follow in their footsteps."

I had to bite back a snort. Unlike my parents, she's not at fault for any of this. She doesn't understand, she'll never understand, I'm glad that she can't understand. There's nothing I can do for myself anymore that will make it better. No small acts of kindness can wash the blood off of my hands. "Listen, Sensei," I slouched a little further. "I really appreciate the offer but I have a lot of other things on my plate and whatever it is that you're suggesting probably isn't the right fit for me. See you tomorrow, I have to go home and start dinner."

She bristled a little at my refusal before her grin turned Cheshire. "Wow, quite a polite refusal, exactly what I would expect from an ex-Shuuchin student. I think your classmates would be a lot more friendly with you if they knew your background. Hell, you might be the most popular boy in school." Is she seriously trying to blackmail me? You know what, this is actually somewhat effective. I don't want to deal with a bunch of hangers-on and judgemental looks. People whispering about why would anyone ever leave Shuuchin. Transferring would also be a pain, Sobu is the only decent academic school within biking distance. Komachi is already upset with me, no need to annoy her more with another transfer. Okay, I guess I'll play along for now.

I push down a grimace and keep my face a blank slate.

I nod to her, "Okay, Sensei, I'm happy to participate in your activity, lead the way."