Author's Notes: I am grateful to the writers of Sanditon for allowing us to follow Charlotte's journey as she forges her new path in life after the heartbreak with Sidney Parker. My story begins with Season 2, and is about Charlotte and Alexander Colbourne. There is so much we do not know, so I filled in the details with what I think might have happened with Lucy Colbourne to have caused Alexander to close off his heart. This will be a multi-chapter story.

Chapter One: Loneliness and Regrets

Alexander Colbourne laid in bed, as lonely as he had been for the last ten years. These last weeks, he had dreamed of a new life, a better life, with someone to share it with. Charlotte Heywood had awakened in him feelings beyond just the physical needs of a man. She had him dreaming of sharing his bed with a woman he loved. She was feisty and opinionated, and he was attracted to her immensely. She was beautiful and had the figure of a Greek goddess, but it was her spirit that attracted him the most.

He had hurt her today, when he had relieved her of her duties as the girls' governess and as much as he regretted it, he did not know what else he could have done. Charlotte had returned his kisses, and if her eyes were telling him the truth, she already was in love with the man she thought he was, not the man he knew himself to be.

She had reacted much as he had expected her when he relieved her of her job as his governess, and when she had left the house, he felt as if she had taken her heart with him. He wanted to run after her, to hold her close to him and to tell her he loved her, but that was not meant to be. Beautiful and extraordinary Charlotte needed a better man than Alexander Colbourne could ever be. Mrs. Wheatley had encouraged him to not shut himself off from the world again, but he could not hurt anyone this way. Yes, Charlotte was already hurt, but the longer things went on between them, the worse it would be. He was a man of honor, and he should have offered for her, but it was for her sake he did not.

He never again wanted to destroy someone as he had Lucy. Theirs had been a reserved marriage from the beginning because they were not in love. Lucy had been out in society for four years when she met him and was beginning to think she would not marry. He was the oldest son in the family, and he knew his duty was to marry and produce heirs. They met at a society ball in London, and within a few months, they were engaged to be married.

The marriage had started off well enough, but they wanted different things in life. They were active in London society, and while Lucy loved every bit of it, he hated it. When he inherited the family home, Heydrick Park in Sanditon, he was glad to remove himself from the superficial society of London, but Lucy was not.

He regretted allowing her to stay behind for a final season in London because that is when things began to unravel beyond repair. She had met Frances Lennox, a Captain in the Royal Army, and their affair had resulted in Lucy getting pregnant. Lennox left London with his regiment and left Lucy behind, never knowing she was pregnant with his child. Lucy, in her shame, did not answer Alexander's letters and wallowed in her misery. How could she face him when her belly was swollen with the child of her lover?

Alexander finally swallowed his pride went to their home in London to fetch her back to Sanditon with him, only to find her several months pregnant. She had spent little time in their own bed over the years, preferring to sleep in a separate room, and now, he would have to raise another man's child. Alexander was furious with her betrayal, but he did his best to keep his anger under control until after the baby was born. Lucy was delicate, and the health of her and the unborn child was more important than venting his anger.

The birth of Leonora was painful for Alexander. He had wanted children with Lucy, but it had not happened. True their encounters were infrequent, but it was disappointing to him that she had not conceived. He was tormented with his imaginings of her willingly giving herself to another man, when she had rarely given herself to him. Had she found pleasure in the other man's arms that she did not find in his?

He was haunted by her betrayal every day of his life. It was true that he was a reserved man, but he was not cold. He had wished for a warmer marriage, and before her betrayal, he had tried to foster such with his wife, but she was not interested.

The night of their argument, and she had wandered out in the cold rain, Alexander had confronted her about her lover. She had said hateful things to him, and he allowed his hurt and anger to control his tongue. He said regrettable things. She had retreated to her room, and he to his. Alexander did not know if there was anything that could be done to repair their broken marriage, but he knew he had been wrong to speak to his wife as he did.

Later that night, he went to her room to apologize to her, but she was not there. He searched for her all over the vast house, and finally, he saw the back door in the kitchen was left open. With a lantern for light, he went out into the rainy night to find her. He searched for hours in the dark before finding her. She was huddled underneath a tree, and she was dead. She was wearing only a thin gown, and she had little protection from the elements. He lifted the lifeless body of his wife into his arms, and he carried her back to the house.

Mrs. Wheatley asked him to take Lucy to her bedroom, and she took care of things from that point on. Alexander arranged for her to be buried in London with her parents, and he carried the burden of guilt for her death every single moment of every single day of his life.

As far as society was concerned, Lucy had suffered from complications from childbirth and had never recovered. He believed she had chosen to go out into the cold and rain that night, hoping she would die because he had left no doubt as to what he thought of her.

Only Mrs. Wheatley knew how he had suffered. He wanted desperately to love the baby girl his wife had left behind, but she was a living reminder of Lucy's betrayal. He felt guilt for his inability to love Leo keenly because she was innocent. He did have affection for her, and she was his daughter in the eyes of the world. When she was born, he was struck by how much she must look like her father because she did not favor Lucy at all.

Now that he had met Colonel Lennox, there was no denying that Leonora was his child. She was the spitting image of her father.

Up until Leonora was eight years old, they had a governess, an older woman, and she found Leonora hard to manage. When Augusta came to live with Alexander after her parents died in a carriage accident, he could not keep a governess, even at high wages, until Charlotte had come along. And...he had fired her.

Alexander wanted to spare Charlotte from himself.

When he had told Charlotte he had taken advantage of his position with her by allowing emotions to overtake him twice, he could see the hurt in her face. Her words, "Is that all I am to you, a member of your staff?" taunted him. He wanted to tell her he loved her, but he could not. He had convinced himself the night before that he was being selfish and had to protect her. He felt her absence, and he missed her with a deep longing that surprised him. In a short period of time, she had found her place in his heart.

As he ran his hand over the empty side of his bed, he longed for Charlotte. He ached to hold her in his arms, and to show her all he felt for her. He wanted to marry her and to be the kind of husband who could make her happy.

They could be a family, the four of them, and maybe they would even have children of their own. Alexander felt tears prick his eyes, and he closed his eyes to hold them at bay. She had made him feel again, and with those feelings, came needs that had long been held at bay.

He wondered what it would be like to make love to her. He allowed his thoughts to drift to a forbidden place, and then reigned them back in.

He had ruined everything between them, and he hoped that someday, Charlotte Heywood would find a man more worthy of her than Alexander Colbourne. Her happiness would be worth the sacrifice, and as for him, he would remain alone.