Chapter Two: The Aftermath
Alexander awoke the next morning in a haze. He had the most vivid dream last night of Charlotte. She had come to him, and he had opened his arms wide. She stepped into his embrace and he kissed her deeply and with all the love he felt for her. She had melted in his arms, and welcomed his affections. He had held her body close to his and they kissed and caressed each other.
He lay there, in his lonely bed and tried to recall his reasons for sending her away when all he wanted was to be as close to her as possible.
He got up and stood at the window, overlooking his estate. Every day since she had come to work for him, they had parted for the evening by saying. "Until tomorrow." After all he said to her yesterday, there would be no more tomorrows with Miss Heywood. His heart ached.
He made himself get dressed and face the day. The day before, he had shared breakfast outside with the girls, and he would again today. He may not be a father in the truest sense of the word, but he was a father by choice, and he vowed to do a better job of being more available to his girls.
He asked Mrs. Wheatley to bring him some coffee while he waited on the girls to come down for breakfast. He settled at the table in the gardens to read the paper until the girls joined him.
Augusta and Leo arrived only a few minutes later, but this was not the happy party of yesterday. Augusta and Leo were very upset that Miss Heywood had left as their governess. They had come to care for her, and were confused as to why she left.
Leo spoke first, "Father, why would Miss Heywood leave us? I know she liked being our governess, and I liked how she made me feel important. I think she even loved me, and I like being loved. Can you not ask her to come back?"
August just glared at him, and he realized that she was more mature than he thought she was. Even yesterday, when she had begged him to go after Charlotte, he felt she knew that he cared more for Charlotte than was appropriate given their situation.
Alexander looked at his daughter, "Leo, she does care for you, and yesterday, she said that she would miss you a great deal."
Leo persisted, "Then why did she leave us, Father?"
August looked at him as if to challenge him to be honest.
"Leonora, there are things you will understand when you are older, but it was not in Miss Heywood's best interest to remain as my employee."
Augusta had heard enough, and blurted out, "That is because she had made you feel things again, Uncle. You actually became more human in her presence. She reminded you that you do have a heart and it can love again. You made a decision that affects everyone, Uncle. And, I think it was a terrible decision."
Alexander started to reprimand his niece, but stopped before he contradicted her. "Augusta, she is a lovely woman, and she deserves every happiness that life has to offer."
Augusta said, "Once I taunted her about being a spinster. She told me that she had known love and had been loved in return, but circumstances conspired against them. She told me she had to forge a new path forward, and that was what she was trying to do when she came to work for you as our governess."
"Both of you have loved and lost, Uncle. The difference between the two of you is that Miss Heywood has chosen to live her life instead of existing as you do."
Alexander was astonished that Augusta had such a perception of the situation, and he told her so, "Perhaps you are right, Augusta."
He had news for the girls. "We are going to London for the next few months. We will stay at Bentley House, the home I used to share with your mother, Leo when we lived in London. It has been leased out for all of these years, but it is vacant now. It is time for Augusta to be introduced to society. I also hope to find a new governess while we are in London."
Augusta wished Miss Heywood were going with them, but she was excited to be introduced to society. "When are we leaving, Uncle?"
"Tomorrow morning. I have sent a note ahead to have the house ready. The season does not start for three weeks, and we have to buy you a new wardrobe."
The rest of the day was spent getting packed and ready to leave for London. They would be gone for at least three months.
Alexander wandered throughout the downstairs, and he could still feel Charlotte's presence in his home, especially in his study. He had to get away from here for a while. and to put things in a better perspective. He missed her fiercely, and he hoped with time, the pain of it all would lessen.
In Willingden, Charlotte was glad to be home. Her parents were ecstatic about Alison's engagement. DeClan had accompanied them home, and the family welcomed him. He was staying in the guest house on the property until the wedding.
With so many people at the house, it was hard to have a moment to think, so Charlotte had removed herself from the lively company of her family to take a solitary walk.
She thought back on the men she had loved. Sidney was her first love, and she had given everything in her heart to him. He had planned to propose to her, and she knew that he loved her. If the fire in Sanditon had not happened, she would be Mrs. Charlotte Parker at this time. He had admitted to her when he told her that he had to marry Mrs. Campion to keep Tom from debtor's prison that he had planned to propose to her, but now, he could not.
Circumstances had kept them apart, and in hindsight, she held Lady Denham accountable for those circumstances as much as she did Tom Parker. Lady Denham had demanded to be repaid her investment right away, giving Sidney little time to secure an investment.
Charlotte loved the Parkers, but she thought Tom was most irresponsible. He was a creative genius, but lacked the business sense to make his creative visions a reality. Sidney had been the practical one, and Tom had relied upon him to fix things, always. Given the time frame that Lady Denham had given them, Sidney had felt his only option was to marry Eliza Campion to relieve Tom of the debt he owed to Lady Denham.
She would never forget their cliff top meeting on her way out of Sanditon. He had wanted to make sure she did not think badly of him, but he had hurt her deeply, and it was all she could do to say the appropriate things. How she wanted to hear him say how much he loved her! She had hoped he had come to stop her from leaving, and to tell her he had found a different solution to the problem Tom had created when he failed to take out insurance on the construction of the new apartments. He had not, and their parting was painful for both of them.
Charlotte had heard from Mary that Sidney and Eliza had married three months after she had left Sanditon, and he had left for Antigua a few months later. Now, he was gone from her life forever, having died in Antigua from yellow fever. She imagined she would always love him, and always hold him dear in her heart, but she had to move on with her life.
Then, there was Alexander Colbourne. He was handsome and endearing in his own way, as well as enigmatic, much like Sidney was. A wounded bird, so to speak, a widower who had been betrayed by his wife. Charlotte thought back on all that Alexander had revealed to her the night of the ball, and it was clear that he felt unworthy of being loved. If she had more time to spend with him, she surely could have convinced him otherwise.
When she had tried to make him see that he had to forgive himself, and she had taken his hand, he gave way to his emotions and kissed her with great passion. It was inappropriate because they had no understanding, and the next day, he kissed her again. Surely, a man of honor would not kiss a woman he had no intentions of marrying?
When he had fired her the following day, she was stunned. She recalled their conversation, and her words, "So, all I am to you is a member of your staff?" He said nothing, and she left the house immediately, not even stopping when Augusta called out to her. When he called on her at the Parker residence, she was too hurt to listen to him. He had only come because of Augusta's anger at him to have sent her away. He had disrespected her, and it hurt to be treated as if what they had shared meant nothing to him when it had meant so much to her.
Hadn't she had a similar conversation with Sidney the day of the regatta? When he had pursued her after Mrs. Campion's vindictive words, she had asked him, "Is all I am to you? A source of amusement, Mr. Parker?" It was later that night when he had come to tell her that he was his best self, his truest self, with her. For the space of a day, he had chosen her over Eliza Campion.
Charlotte wondered at why she could not choose a man who loved her enough to actually marry her and who was undamaged by love such as James Stringer? He would have never hurt her as Sidney or Alexander had done. Yet, she knew that she did feel for Mr. Stringer as he did for her, and she could not have married him because of it.
She found herself on the stone bridge that covered the shallow river that ran through their property. She stood there, looking out over the land her father owned, and thought about her decision to give up on love. It was safer to marry for convenience than to give her heart again only to have it shattered by a man who was not brave enough to choose to love her.
Sidney had done the honorable thing by saving his family, and she supposed Mr. Colbourne felt he also was doing the honorable thing, but neither of them had included her in their decisions. What was it with these men to make life-altering decisions without considering what she needed or wanted? .
Charlotte knew her father wanted her to marry Ralph Starling, she was sure of it. He was also a farmer, and while he was handsome enough, he did not stir deeper emotions in Charlotte. He would be a safe choice because he would not hurt her. Still, she resisted. There was a part of her that still yearned for the passionate and deep love her parents had.
Sidney had been the first man to kiss her, and she had never felt so alive as she did in his arms that day on the cliff tops before the ball that changed everything for them. He had been so nervous, but once his lips touched hers, he seemed as lost in their kiss as she was.
When Mr. Colbourne had kissed her, it was with a wild abandonment that stirred her. There was a sweetness to his longing, and he kissed her like he needed her kisses to live. It was a heady feeling. Yet, he sent her away like she meant nothing to him. She felt used, and confused.
Why couldn't she have a love story like Alison had? Why was love so complicated for her? Was it worth all the pain? She honestly did not know, but what she did know is that she needed some time to heal before she was willing to allow herself to be so vulnerable again.
For now, she would revel in her dear sister's happiness, and maybe with time, she would find her own.