Author's Notes: This is the chapter I have been dying to post! Our dear besotted Alexander finally gets a chance to speak to his Charlotte in private, but not before Lady Susan serves him some tea and gives him a bit of advice.
Chapter Eight: Hope and Tomorrow
Lady's Susan's invitation was delivered to Heyrick Park that afternoon. Mrs. Wheatley brought it to his study and handed it to him.
"A letter for you, Mr. Colbourne."
"Thank you, Mrs. Wheatley."
When she did not leave immediately, he looked up at her, wondering what she was waiting on.
"Yes, Mrs. Wheatley?"
"Xander, I have been told Miss Heywood is in Sanditon for a visit. I heard Miss Augusta tell Miss Leo about it this morning. Will we be seeing her at Heyrick Park?
"She is in Sanditon to visit Miss Lambe, and the Family Parker. I doubt she will have time for us, Mrs. Wheatley."
"Xander, you must invite her to come. You have not been the same since you sent her away."
"She is engaged to Mr. Ralph Starling, Mrs. Wheatley. Whether I have regrets or not about our parting, she has moved on."
Mrs. Wheatley loved Alexander Colbourne like a son, and she did not hold back with him, "Moved on is not the same as married, Xander. Give that some thought before it is too late."
After Mrs. Wheatley left him, he turned his attention to the letter in his hand. He turned it over to look at the seal. It was from Lady Susan.
He opened the letter. It was an invitation for him to call on her tomorrow morning.
Alexander quickly wrote a response and accepted the invitation. He wondered if he was the only guest, or if Miss Heywood would be there as well.
The next morning, Alexander informed Mrs. Wheatley that he would be away for a few hours, and then left for town.
When he arrived, he was shown to the drawing room. Susan greeted him, and said, "Thank you for coming on such short notice, Mr. Colbourne."
Susan asked him to sit down and said, "Let's have some tea and get better acquainted with one another."
After they both had a steaming cup of tea, Susan said, "Mr. Colbourne, I wonder if I might tell you how I met Miss Heywood."
Alexander nodded his head, and said, "Please do."
Charlotte was in London with Tom and Sidney Parker, as well Lord Babington, and Georgiana Lambe. We all attended the same ball. Charlotte had needed a moment alone, and had come into a small sitting room I also had taken refuge in. We had a lovely chat before Mr. Sidney Parker came to collect her for a dance."
"I found her quite charming, and that night was the beginning of a dear friendship."
Alexander said, "Miss Heywood is fortunate to have dear friends such as yourself, Lady Susan, and the Parkers."
"Yes, as we are blessed to have her in our lives. She and Georgiana Lambe are as close as sisters, and the two of them have been good for each other, especially since Sidney Parker tragically passed away several months ago. He had been Georgiana's guardian and brought her to England from Antigua."
Alexander had wondered about Miss Lambe and her friendship with Miss Heywood. He listened attentively to Lady Susan tell him more about Miss Heywood. He wanted to know all there was to know about Charlotte and the people who were so dear to her.
Lady Susan said, "I must ask you a personal question, and yes, I know it is impertinent. However, your answer will determine whether or not we continue this conversation."
"Of course, Lady Susan, I will do my best to answer it."
"Are you in love with Miss Heywood?"
He did not hesitate, "Yes, very much so."
"Then, why did you not offer for her the night of the ball?"
"I wanted to, and I had planned to ask for her hand the following morning, but circumstances conspired against me.
Lady Susan asked him to explain himself.
Colbourne was not a man to speak his heart often, much less to someone he was barely acquainted with, but he knew this was a very important conversation if he was to have Lady Susan's support in gaining Miss Heywood's forgiveness.
He gave her the details about what had occurred at the Army's encampment with Colonel Lennox.
"My wife's infidelity made me doubt myself as a husband."
Lady Susan nodded for him to continue.
Alexander continued, "I ended things with Charlotte for her sake because I could not say for certain that I would not fail her as a husband just as I failed my wife. I was trying to spare Miss Heywood a lifetime of unhappiness."
Lady Susan asked him, "Did it ever occur to you to talk about your fears to Charlotte? Did she not deserve to have a voice in such a significant decision?"
"I did want to talk to her, but on that morning, her beautiful eyes conveyed her love for me. If I had talked it over with her, I am sure I would have lost all resolve and asked for her hand."
Lady Susan scoffed. "You have made a grave mistake, Mr. Colbourne. You did not stop to think about your words from her perspective."
"Her perspective?" he asked.
Lady Susan explained, "In your home, I am guessing she was treated like all of your other employees. She told me that even in Sanditon society, her employment rendered her a spinster at the tender age of three and twenty. Charlotte is quite beautiful and accomplished, and a number of men have taken notice of her.
Lady Susan continued, "In her eyes, you rejected her, Mr. Colbourne. You were the master of the estate, and she was your employee. You made her feel used, and yes, I know that the two of you shared a kiss."
She gave him a look of disapproval.
Alexander stood up and paced the room, "Lady Susan, I never rejected her! I sent her away because I cannot be the man she needs me to be."
Lady Susan had little patience for his angst since she had learned that he had not behaved as a gentleman toward Charlotte.
"Mr. Colbourne, can you leave the past behind?"
"I do not know how you can be a good husband if you cannot forgive your wife and her lover, or even yourself. You are your own worst enemy, Mr. Colbourne. Charlotte needs a man who believes in himself. I do not know Ralph Starling, but he seemed perfectly confident to me at the ball a few nights ago."
Alexander was stunned to be spoken to in such a manner, but he begrudgingly agreed with Lady Susan.
Lady Susan was not yet finished, "Forgiving does not mean we forget what wrongs someone has done to us. When we truly forgive, we can remember those experiences without all the angst and hurt they caused us initially."
"It has been my experience, Mr. Colbourne, that our life experiences can make us better people, or bitter people. If you are to have hope for a life with Charlotte, then you have to let go of the past, Mr. Colbourne. You must let go of it for your sake as well as for hers. All of your regrets and recriminations have not served you well, and they do not make you a better man."
"Charlotte has known pain and grief as well, and I want her to have all the happiness in the world. I believe you could give her that happiness because she holds you close in her heart."
Alexander felt his hope rise with her words, "Yes, I want to hope for a life with Miss Heywood, but she has accepted Starling."
"Yes, regrettably so, and before I help her navigate the path of a broken engagement if she forgives you, I must have your absolute word that from now on, you will be honest with her. You must involve her in any decisions that impact her life, Mr. Colbourne."
"You have my word."
"Well then, Mr. Colbourne. You need an opportunity to speak to Charlotte alone. I will chaperone of course."
"You can speak to her privately in this room, but with the door open. I have only two employees to manage this apartment at this time, and neither live with me. I will send them on errands. As I am sure you understand, we must protect Charlotte's reputation."
"I have invited Charlotte to call on me this morning, and she should be here at any moment. I would advise you to take a deep breath and speak from your heart. This may be the only chance you get to begin to make things right between you."
No more than five minutes later, Charlotte arrived. When she was shown into the drawing room, she was surprised to see Mr. Colbourne.
She was dismayed to be caught off-guard, so Lady Susan took her hands in hers and said, "Mr. Colbourne needs to speak to you, Charlotte. I advise you to listen to him, and to carefully consider all he says, my dear girl. I will be in the next room if you need me."
Charlotte did not know what to say. She was still very hurt by his rejection, and she felt uncomfortable in his presence. After their dance at Georgiana's birthday ball, she had been struggling with her feelings for him as a woman engaged to another man.
Alexander was studying her face carefully, and he could see that the task before him was even greater than he thought. Charlotte was not happy to see him.
'Miss Heywood, might we sit down to talk?"
Charlotte lifted her chin up stubbornly, "If you do not mind, I prefer to stand, Mr. Colbourne."
"Of course, as you wish, Miss Heywood."
He took a step, then one more to be closer to her. When she did not retreat, he took another.
He took a deep breath and began speaking, "The morning you came to Heyrick Park after the ball, I had planned on asking for your hand before Mrs. Wheatley informed us Leo was lost.
Charlotte's face registered surprise but she did not say a word.
"I regret, more than I have words to say, that I ended things between us, Miss Heywood. All I can say is that I let the past dictate my future. When I went back to speak to Lennox at the encampment, he asked me if I was sure that I would not fail you as I had Lucy."
"He played on my worst fears, Miss Heywood. You deserve everything a man can offer you, and I worried that I might not be able to make you happy. I cared for Lucy, Miss Heywood, but ours was not a marriage of love. Many society marriages are successful, but ours was not one of them because we were simply incompatible."
"I deliberated for hours and hours about what to do. I love you so very dearly, and I want you to be Mrs. Charlotte Colbourne, but I did not have the confidence in myself to risk your happiness, Miss Heywood. I could not bear it if I made you unhappy as my wife."
"When I came to see you at Trafalgar House, I came to ask for your forgiveness, but the conversation took a different turn."
"And here we are now."
All of the conflicting emotions Charlotte was feeling were flitting across her face. She wanted to believe him, but even if she did, she had given her word to Ralph.
"Mr. Colbourne, I believe I will sit down now."
He sat in the chair close to her and waited for her to speak.
"That day, when you ended things between us, I was left with little doubt about what you thought of me. You made me feel used, Mr. Colbourne, and disrespected. A gentleman does not kiss a woman he is not intending to marry, even if she is a lowly governess."
Charlotte's jaw was set, and Alexander could see that the wounds he had inflicted with his words were as fresh today as they were the day she suffered them.
It hurt him to see her pain, and to know he caused it. "To begin with, you were not a lowly governess, you are everything a woman should be and more. I thought I was doing what was best for you, Miss Heywood. I regret hurting you more than I can say."
"Yet, Mr. Colbourne, you are only remorseful now that another man has asked for my hand, and I have accepted it. He is a good man, and he would never hurt me as you did."
Alexander stood up and paced the room. Once he had collected his emotions, he turned back to her and said, "I have regretted it the moment you left the room. He cannot possibly love you as much as I do, Miss Heywood. I can promise you that I will never again hurt you as I did that day. If you forgive me, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you."
He decided to declare himself to her. "I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be your husband."
Charlotte was angry at him, but her love for him kept her from lashing out.
"I accept your apology, Mr. Colbourne, but more than that, I cannot do. I am a woman of my word, and I have given my promise to marry Ralph. I am not free to even think of another man."
Alexander could hear the resolve in her voice, "Charlotte, do you love him?"
It was the first time he had ever used her given name, and she was surprised by it."
"You may call me Miss Heywood, Sir. I have given my word, and anything else is secondary."
Alexander was starting to feel desperate. He had to make her see she was making a mistake. "I wonder if you are being honest with yourself, Miss Heywood. Do you believe you could be happier with him than with me?"
"Your beautiful brown eyes give you away, Miss Heywood. Those eyes are telling me that your heart is still mine."
Charlotte was agitated and stood. "Arrogance does not become you. I think we have said enough, Mr. Colbourne."
She left the room to find Susan, and Alexander had to think of something quickly to see her again. This could not be the end.
Lady Susan and Charlotte came back into the room, and Mr. Colbourne said his goodbyes. Just as he was about to go through the door, he turned and said, "Mrs. Wheatley and the girls miss you terribly, Miss Heywood. Would you please visit Heyrick Park tomorrow and pay them a visit?"
Charlotte looked over at her friend, and Lady Susan nodded.
"I would very much like to see the girls and Mrs. Wheatley. Will you please tell them to expect me around 10:00 in the morning?"
Alexander smiled at Miss Heywood, and Lady Susan was reminded of Georgiana's assessment that Mr. Colbourne had a boyish charm about him.
She noted that Charlotte did not smile back.
Alexander bowed to the women, and said, 'Yes, I will give them your message. Until tomorrow, Miss Heywood."