Author's Notes: I do not begin to have the talents of the writers for Sanditon, but I have done my best to keep the character's personalities recognizable. Thank you for reading and as always, reviews are very much appreciated!
Chapter One: Miss Hankins
Miss Hankins had been dusting the choir chamber when she saw Miss Heywood enter the church. Such a pretty young woman, but today, she was very sad.
She saw Miss Heywood kneel to pray, then light a candle. She witnessed tears running down Miss Heywood's face, and she heard her sob. Miss Hankins quickly bent her head to pray for the Lord to grant Miss Heywood peace in her heart.
Miss Heywood went to sit in a pew for a few minutes, and when it seemed that she was feeling more at peace, she walked out of the church.
Miss Hankins rushed to catch up with her.
"Miss Heywood, may I have a word with you?"
"Miss Hankins, how are you?"
"I am well, thank you for asking."
"Miss Heywood, I could not help but notice that you seem troubled, and of course, I will pray for you, but I want you to know that I am a willing listener if you care to share what is on your mind."
Charlotte liked Miss Hankins and thought she was a lovely woman.
"I appreciate the offer, Miss Hankins, but I am fine."
"Miss Heywood, it may not seem so, but I was not always a middle-aged spinster. I was once young and had dreams of my own."
Charlotte said, "Of course, Miss Hankins, but I do not know if anyone can help me."
Miss Hankins took her hand and said, "Please, let me try."
Charlotte asked her if she had time for a walk on the beach.
"Yes, of course I do. We women folk must make time to support one another, my dear."
The two ladies quickly made their way to the beach, and found it almost deserted. It was September, and the fashionable crowd had returned to London.
Miss Hankins waited for her young friend to speak.
Charlotte began, "I am engaged to a Mr. Ralph Starling, a gentleman farmer from my village of Willingden. I am now three and twenty, and I must marry or risk being a burden to my parents."
"My father is a farmer as well, and the harvest has been dismal for the last three years. I am the eldest of twelve children, and as you know, my sister Alison only recently married."
"Yes, and a lovely wedding it was, Miss Heywood."
"And as I recall, Mr. Starling is quite handsome. I remember being introduced to him at the wedding."
"Yes, he is handsome, but, Miss Hankins, I do not love him."
Miss Hankins understood, "Of course you want to love him, but your heart and your mind are not of one accord."
Charlotte was glad Miss Hankins understood, "Yes, that is it. He is a good man, and he will be a good provider. I do not want to marry him, but I must."
"Must you, Miss Heywood? Do you not have any other options?"
"Miss Hankins, I could try to find another position as a governess, but I am afraid my family would be shamed if I broke the engagement to Mr. Starling."
"Yes, that could create a scandal, to be sure, even in your small village."
Miss Hankins said, "Miss Heywood, might I be candid with you?"
Charlotte said, "I hope you will be."
"I wonder if your heart belongs to another man, and that is why you cannot be happy about marrying your Mr. Starling."
"Yes, I do love another man. He doesn't love me though."
"Would that man be the handsome, but mysterious recluse, Mr. Colbourne, Miss Heywood?"
Charlotte gasped, "Miss Hankins! How could you possibly know that?"
"My dear Miss Heywood, you might be surprised what the wallflowers at a ball notice. When he held you in his arms for that glorious dance, you could feel the tension between you. It was positively mesmerizing."
"There you were in your beautiful blue gown, and he was resplendent in his formal wear. You made quite a lovely couple, although I wonder that he did not shave for such an event."
"Of course, such an attachment is inappropriate between employer and employee. However, since you are no longer his governess, I see no reason why he could not offer for you. Maybe if the two of you married, you could get him and his daughter and niece to church, Miss Heywood."
"Miss Hankins, it was only a dance, and I can assure you he cares nothing for me."
Miss Hankins was skeptical, and said, "If you say so, my dear."
Charlotte's jaw set in a determined manner, "I most certainly do say so, Miss Hankins."
Miss Hankins did not argue, and asked, "Miss Heywood, may I share a little something about myself with you?"
Charlotte nodded her consent, and Miss Hankins continued, "When I was young, I fell in love with a young man, and his family was not much better off than mine. We were so poor we could not even pay attention as my Papa used to say. We used to laugh about it, but poverty is no laughing matter, and the reality was that most couples in our acquaintance married for economic purposes, not for love."
"Anyway, John needed to marry a woman with a dowry, and of course, that was out of the question for my family. He did care for me, and this is scandalous, so I must rely upon your discretion, but he kissed me once."
Miss Hankins lifted her fingers to her lips and closed her eyes. "It was the only time in my life I ever been kissed. It was a lovely, lovely experience. It is one of the fondest memories of my life."
"Of course, when a gentleman kisses a woman, he has signaled that he will ask for her hand, only that offer never came."
"I was left confused and heart-broken. Why had John kissed me if he had not intended to offer? Honor demanded that he did, but it was not to be, after all, I had no dowry."
A year or so later, another young man wanted my hand, but my heart still belonged to John."
Miss Hankins seemed to be lost in her memories for a few minutes.
Finally, she continued, "When we marry, the vows we speak are sacred. How could I say that I would love, honor, or obey one man when I loved another? God knows what is in our hearts, my dear Miss Heywood."
Charlotte agreed, "Yes, he does. But what I do not understand is why does he allow us to love someone when it only causes us pain?"
Charlotte felt the tears run down her cheeks.
"You went to church today to find peace in your heart."
"Yes, Miss Hankins, that is exactly why I was in church today. My heart is very troubled."
"My dear, you have much to think over, to pray about. You have a friend in me, Miss Heywood, and you can be sure I will keep your confidence."
"And…..Miss Heywood, I will pray for Mr. Colbourne to know his heart and to have the courage to speak it to you."
Charlotte was so grateful that she had taken Miss Hankins up on her offer to talk. She understood Charlotte's dilemma perfectly.
"Miss Heywood, I am three and forty now, a full twenty years older than you. I have the wisdom that comes from living a longer life than you have."
"May I share some of that wisdom with you?"
Charlotte said, "Please do."
When we are young, we feel things with such intensity, and sometimes, the force of our emotions clouds our ability to see reason. The hurts of our youth cut particularly deeply because we have no scar tissue to protect ourselves from the almost shocking depth of our pain."
"Of course, we pray and ask God for peace and comfort, but Miss Heywood, I think we have to give ourselves time to heal. We cannot make decisions with life-long consequences while we are grieving."
"All throughout our lives, I have found, we grieve for loss in many ways. The Parkers are grieving the death of their brother, Mr. Sidney Parker. My friend Miss Thompson is grieving for the loss of her friendship with Miss Adams because they both care for Mr. Johnson. He is the grocer, you know, a very charming man with a stable income."
"Sometimes, we grieve for lost opportunities to know what could have been. It is especially hard if we were given no agency in the situation."
"Am I making any sense to you, Miss Heywood?"
Charlotte looped her arm through Miss Hankins as the ladies continued their walk on the beach.
"Miss Hankins, you understand all I am feeling perfectly well."
'Miss Heywood, it is my experience that grief is just love with no place to go. When you find a way to channel that grief into something positive, it will pass much faster, and you will endure far less pain."
"And…..my dear, your ability to see your future will become clearer to you once you are past the worst of it all. Trust me, I know."
Charlotte said, "You are indeed wise, my friend. I will have to think about all you have said."
"Miss Hankins, if you could turn back the hands of the clock and make different choices, would you?"
The ladies stopped walking and Miss Hankins took both of Charlotte's hands in hers, " I would never have wanted to miss out on knowing what it felt like to love my John, but I wish that I had not stood so firm in my belief that I could not have loved another. I could have married Daniel, the other man, and as I said my vows, I could have promised God that I would do all I could to love my husband as he deserved."
"If I had done that, I would not be a spinster now. I might have been not only a wife, but a mother as well. I would have liked that."
"Miss Heywood, my advice to you is to consider taking a bit more time before you decide what is the best choice for your life. Only you can decide whether that future is to marry your Mr. Starling or to remain unmarried at this time."
"In twenty years, when you are three and forty as I am now, will you be happy with the choice you made for your life at three and twenty?"
"Just give it some careful thought, my dear, and give yourself some time to grieve the loss of your dream of marrying the man you love."
The ladies arrived back in town, and prepared to part company.
"Miss Heywood, I hope you will count on me to listen anytime your heart needs unburdening."
Charlotte impulsively hugged Miss Hankins, "Yes, I will, and thank you."
Miss Hankins watched her young friend make her way to Trafalgar House, and as she turned to go home herself, she prayed that Miss Heywood would consider her advice. In the meanwhile, she would have a cup of tea, seek out some scripture, and copy the verses down for her young friend.