Chapter Six: On Her Own
After they returned home from the ball, Georgiana and Charlotte stayed up late to talk. It had been a wonderful evening, and it signified a new beginning for both ladies. Georgiana was now in control of her inheritance and could now make more choices on her own. Charlotte was now "free as a bird" as Lady Susan had put it, and it felt wonderful to have control over her own life.
The next morning, Charlotte and Georgiana joined Mary and the children at the breakfast table. Arthur and Tom had gone to meet James Stringer to talk over some ideas he had for the theater.
Lady Susan arrived and breakfast was a lively affair with talk of the ball the previous night.
After breakfast, Lady Susan asked if she and Charlotte could have a moment alone, and Mary told them to feel free to use the drawing room.
"My darling girl last night was quite interesting. There were three men there last night who have given their hearts to you."
"Let's start with that handsome Mr. Stringer. I remembered him from the regatta. Very nice man with a brilliant future ahead of him. I would be careful with his heart, Charlotte. I know you have a dear friendship with him, but it would not take much encouragement from you to change the nature of your relationship and his expectations. You trust him, Charlotte, and I believe he trusts you. There is an implied closeness that comes with trusting someone, my dear. Just be aware of it, and walk that path carefully."
"Yes, I think you are right, and he is a good friend to me. I would never want to encourage affections I do not return."
"Well, at least not at this time, Charlotte. You may just find that he is the right man for you. No, he is not a mysterious and darkly handsome enigma that Sidney Parker was or that Alexander Colbourne is, and that you seem to be so drawn to, but he would make a devoted husband, I expect. He recognizes your intellect, and he is most attracted to you, Charlotte. I saw how he looks at you, my darling girl. I like him very much."
"Let's talk about your Mr. Starling. I must say, there is an air of confidence about him, and I like that. He is not right for you, though, and I am glad you did not settle. He does not inspire passion in you, and a marriage without passion would not make you happy."
Charlotte said, "You know, Lady Susan, my parents have wanted me to marry Ralph for years. I have always liked him and found him pleasant, but it was not until yesterday that I honestly felt admiration for him. When we talked about the engagement, he gave me agency in the situation, and that meant a lot to me. He talked about it as "our" decision and I appreciated that."
Lady Susan said, "Yes, my independent girl, that would matter to you a great deal. I must say that he did look sad from time to time, but then he would put a smile on his face and ask someone to dance. It was very gallant of him to ask Miss Hankins to dance, as well as some of the other single ladies."
"Charlotte, it was clear to me last night that you are in love with Mr. Colbourne, and he is with you. He is a complicated man, and I know a bit of his history from years ago when he and his wife resided in London."
"My advice to you, as an independent woman myself, is to take the time you need to put things in perspective. In just over a year, you have been through a great deal. Now, you need a period of peace and of quiet for your heart to mend."
"We have not had time to talk over all that has passed between you and Mr. Colbourne, but please be careful, if not guarded with your heart, my dear."
"I am only a letter away, and I hope you will write to me before you make any decisions that have long-term ramifications for your life. I want only the best for you, my friend."
Charlotte assured her that she would do just that.
After Lady Susan left, Alison, Declan, and Ralph came to say goodbye as well. They stayed long enough to have a cup of tea, and then left for Willingden. Alison told her that she was expecting a baby. Charlotte hugged her and congratulated Declan as well. She and Ralph parted as friends, and both of them knew it was for the best.
Charlotte went to Tom's office and started sorting papers. It was mundane work, but Charlotte liked to organize, and it gave her time to think. She wished putting her own life in order was as easy as sorting invoices.
She thought of all Lady Susan had said, that she needed peace and quiet after the life-altering events of the past year. She needed time to put things into perspective and to allow her heart to become whole again.
Charlotte would love Mr. Colbourne from a distance. Maybe with time, she would get over him, but in the meanwhile, she would endeavor to show him compassion whenever she felt anger at how he had hurt her. After all Mrs. Wheatley had told her about his childhood, he knew very little of love.
Her musings were interrupted when Tom, Arthur, and Mr. Stringer returned to the house.
Mr. Stringer said, "Miss Heywood, I just want to say that you have a true friend in me. I hope you will allow the dust to settle, so to speak, so the future you want for yourself reveals itself to you more clearly."
"Thank you, Mr. Stringer, I hope so, too."
Charlotte asked, "When will you return to Sanditon again?"
"In two months', time, when the Parker Brothers are ready to begin the build, assuming they have the necessary funds secured."
The two of them said their goodbyes, then Charlotte left for Heyrick Park to spend time with Augusta and Leonora. On her walk to the estate, she thought about Mr. Colbourne.
Last night, she had danced with him, and while it had been uncomfortable, it was a place to start moving past the hurt of all that had passed between them. She understood why he had pushed her away, but it did not change the fact that he did. Nor did it change that he had hurt her terribly.
She could not allow herself to ever be so vulnerable again with him. Under no circumstances would she allow herself to get caught up in her emotions around him.
Feeling better now that she had a plan to manage her emotions and to protect her heart, Charlotte turned her thoughts to the girls and spending some time with them.
She was greeted at the house by Luna and Leo. Miss Colbourne had so much to tell her and chattered for several minutes. They made their way to the garden where Leo said Augusta was waiting for them. Leo made her laugh, and she was glad to see her.
"Miss Markham, thank you for inviting me today. We did not get many chances to speak at the ball last night."
Charlotte asked, "Did you have a wonderful time?"
Augusta said, "Yes, I did, and I think I prefer our balls in Sanditon to ones in London. I know so many more people, and I feel more comfortable."
"I really like Miss Lambe, and I am looking forward to getting to know her better."
The ladies told Leo about the beautiful dresses that the ladies had worn, and how handsome the men looked in their formal wear.
Leo said, "Even Father, Miss Heywood? Did you think he looked handsome, too?"
Charlotte laughed, "Of course, Leo. Your father looked quite handsome."
Alexander had come into the kitchen, and he was looking out the window into the garden. Most specifically, he was looking at the girls and Miss Heywood. He could hear them laughing and talking.
Mrs. Wheatley said to him, "Xander, why are you standing there looking out the window instead of going out to join the ladies?"
Mr. Colbourne said, "It is best that I do not, for Miss Heywood's sake. I want her to feel comfortable at Heyrick Park. She will not come to see the girls if she has to see me when she comes, Mrs. Wheatley."
Mrs. Wheatley encouraged him, "Xander, go out there now and join them. You would be most welcome; I am sure of it."
He looked at her, and she could see his emotions flicker over his face. She could see that he longed to go, so she nodded her head to him in encouragement.
Alexander said, "Maybe she would not mind my company for a few minutes."
He strolled out to join the ladies.
Leo was the first to see him, and called out, "Father! Come and sit with us."
"He smiled and said, "I believe I can spare a few minutes to join you."
He took a seat across from Miss Heywood and asked, "What have you ladies been talking about?"
Augusta said, "We were discussing the ball last night."
Leo said, "Miss Heywood and Augusta were telling me about how beautiful the ladies looked in their ball gowns and how handsome the men looked, too."
Alexander looked directly at Miss Heywood and said, "The ladies did look beautiful last night, very beautiful."
Augusta and Leo exchanged smiles.
Leo said, "Miss Heywood said that you looked handsome, Father."
Alexander looked at Miss Heywood, and said, "Thank you, Miss Heywood."
Charlotte was embarrassed, but amused. Leo said exactly what she thought.
Leo said, "Miss Heywood, was the man you are engaged to at the ball last night?"
Augusta said, "Leo, you must not be impertinent!"
Charlotte said, "It is alright, Miss Markham. Yes, he was, Leo. His name is Mr. Ralph Starling, and he is a gentleman farmer from my village. He is a very nice man, and I have known him all my life, but we decided that we are not suited to marry each other."
Augusta said, "But you seemed so amicable last night. When was that decided?"
Charlotte said, "Yesterday afternoon, and I must say, he was a gentleman about it all. He is a wonderful man, but just not the right man for me."
Augusta had a question of her own to ask, "Miss Heywood, I am of marrying age soon myself. You have a few years more experience than me when it comes to interacting with men. What would you say are the most important things I should look for in a man?"
Alexander was waiting to hear what Miss Heywood said.
Charlotte said, "I think I can best explain my thoughts by describing my parents' marriage, and the kind of husband my father is. I admire him more than any man I have ever known."
Charlotte continued, "My parents' marriage is a partnership. My father is definitely the head of the family, but he discusses everything with my mother. He values her and what she thinks. They trust each other completely. Mother and Father are rarely in discord and when they do not agree on something, they compromise."
"My mother is the most important person in my father's life, and because of it, our family is stronger."
Augusta said, "Their marriage sounds lovely. What do you want for yourself, Miss Heywood?"
Charlotte continued, "I want a husband, if I ever marry, who loves me like my father loves my mother. He would never intentionally hurt her or make her feel badly."
Charlotte felt the hurt Alexander had inflicted on her wash over her in waves. It was unwelcomed and took her breath away because it had come over her so unexpectedly.
Alexander watched as emotions flitted across Miss Heywood's face, and he knew it was because of how he had not treated her as she deserved. Every word she spoke was a knife in his heart. He had only wanted to protect her, but he should have discussed his fears with her instead of pushing her away.
Charlotte stood and said, "Thank you for inviting me, but it is time for me to go."
Augusta and Leo both hugged her goodbye, and Charlotte said that she would stop in and see Mrs. Wheatley before leaving.
She smiled at them, but it did not reach her eyes.
Alexander stood and watched her walk away. He wished to the heavens he could turn back time and do things differently with her. He loved her more than ever, and wished that he had not pushed her away.
Charlotte went in through the kitchen door, and Mrs. Wheatley was having tea.
"It is good to see you, Miss Heywood."
"Thank you, Mrs. Wheatley. It is nice to see you, too."
"What troubles you, Miss Heywood?"
"Nothing, Mrs. Wheatley, I had a lovely time with the girls."
"Miss Heywood, I can see that you are troubled by something or someone. Mr. Colbourne is not happy either about all that has passed between you."
"Mrs. Wheatley, I do not want to feel such hurt anymore. I have had enough, in fact, more than enough."
"Yet, Miss Heywood, you do love, and you will love. Look at him through the lens of compassion, as we spoke of before, and I believe forgiveness will come."
Charlotte said, "Thank you, and I really must be going now."
"Of course, and that salve you made for my hands has helped me tremendously. I appreciate it."
Charlotte gave her a wry smile and said, "You do not have such a salve for my broken heart, do you, Mrs. Wheatley?"
"You do not need such a thing; only time can mend your heart, and forgiveness, Miss Heywood."
Charlotte took the familiar route home, but before she got very far, she heard the sound of a horse approaching.
It was Mr. Colbourne and Hannibal.
"Miss Heywood, I thought of your offer to take the girls to Willingden with you, and I have decided that Leo may go. For these last months, so much has revolved around Augusta, and I fear Leo had not gotten as much attention as she deserves."
Charlotte said, "I leave Monday, a week from now. Arthur Parker and Georgiana are escorting me."
"Thank you, Miss Heywood, and I will come at the end of the week to bring you and Leo home. Would that be agreeable to you, Miss Heywood?"
"That will be fine, Mr. Colbourne. My parents will be happy to meet you."
"Miss Heywood, thank you for coming to Heyrick Park today. It meant a great deal to Augusta and Leonora, and to me."
"Of course, Mr. Colbourne. I love spending time with the girls."
He got down off his horse and stood before her, "Miss Heywood, I hope someday you can forgive me. I was trying to do what was best for you."
Charlotte said, "Yet, you did not allow me to participate in that decision. You and you alone decided what was best for me."
He wanted to tell her so much more, but she stood there in front of him, just like the day at Trafalgar House, and her eyes were filled with tears, threatening to spill.
"I cannot argue with you about that, Miss Heywood, but please know that decision was the hardest one I have ever made."
She just looked at him, and said, "I would think such a difficult decision would have warranted discussion, Mr. Colbourne. But as you were my employer and all I was to you was your employee, then it would be beneath you to speak to me about such a difficult decision."
'Miss Heywood, you know you are more to me than that."
"You made your feelings perfectly clear, Mr. Colbourne."
Charlotte said, "If you will excuse me, I must be going now."
He did not know what else to say, so he tipped his hat to her, and wished her a good day. How could he tell her he loved her more than life itself? How could he make her understand that the last thing he wanted was to be away from her?
When he got back to the house, he went to his study. As he often did when he needed to think, he went to stand next to the window.
Mrs. Wheatley entered the room and brought him a cup of tea.
She stood there beside him a few moments, and Xander turned to her and said, "You might as well say what you are thinking, Mrs. Wheatley."
She placed her hand on his arm, and said, "You will never find anyone as special as Miss Heywood ever again, Xander. Do not be your own worst enemy, please. It is for her sake as well as yours that I implore you to let the past be forgotten."
He said, 'I cannot."
Mrs. Wheatley shook her head and walked out of the room, and muttered under her breath, "More like you will not and you will regret it for the rest of your life, Xander."
Mrs. Wheatley thought to herself that he was a stubborn man, and it was going to take a determined woman to help him move forward in his life. Miss Heywood was just that woman, and Mrs. Wheatley hoped that Miss Heywood would not give up on Xander. He was a far better man than he gave himself credit for.