Chapter Seven: Letting Go
Alexander's meeting on the cliff top with Miss Heywood after she had visited Heyrick Park had left him unsettled. Twice, he had saddled Hannibal to go to Trafalgar House to speak to her, but twice he had decided against it. The last time he had gone to her, it had made matters worse instead of better.
She was not ready to hear anything he had to say, and he could not blame her. He had not given her any agency in the decision to end things between them, and she was clearly hurt by it. She would not understand, nor could he explain that he was a man with little confidence in himself. He had failed Lucy as a husband, and he was terrified of failing her.
He found himself thinking of Miss Heywood all day, every day. He missed seeing her come down the lane to the house, and he missed watching walk home at the end of the work day. Every day she had been governess for the girls, she had created new memories in the house and had made it feel like a home….Until he sent her away.
He remembered how she tasted when he had kissed her. He clenched his hands in frustration because with those kisses came expectations he wanted to fulfill. He let Lennox get to him, and make him aware how unworthy he was of her.
He had missed her when she was in Willingden, but knowing she was just a few miles away in Sanditon made things even harder.
He went into town one day to the post office in hopes of catching a glimpse of her, and to maybe even have a word with her. His servants went into town for such errands, but he was so starved to see Miss Heywood that he had taken his correspondence to Sanditon himself.
He did not see her though.
When he came out of the post office, Miss Hankins was standing outside the door.
He greeted her, and then, as he always did before mounting Hannibal, he rubbed him in between his muzzle and his forehead to soothe him.
Miss Hankins said, "Mr. Colbourne, it is clear that you love your horse."
Alexander explained, "There is so much more noise in town than at Heyrick Park, and since the soldiers spooked Hannibal with their gunshots, he has been a bit skittish."
"Yes, good riddance to those soldiers and the havoc that Colonel Lennox created in town. I told Miss Heywood that the manner in which he proposed to her was not all befitting an officer and a gentleman. He was quite disrespectful of her, you know. He reminded her that she was a governess, and he was saving her from a lowly existence."
"And you know, at the Mess Dinner, he had her sit with those of us who are spinsters as if she is not young and beautiful with opportunities to marry. I do support her reasons not to marry Mr. Ralph Starling, even though he is quite handsome. If our Lord means for her to marry, it will happen. I am sure of it."
Alexander had not realized that Lennox had proposed to Charlotte, but he was not surprised, and he did not know how she had been treated as his guest at the Mess Dinner since he had not been invited.
Alexander said, "He had no call to treat her like that! He is a cad, and thankfully, he is gone now, to India, and I doubt we ever see him again."
She continued, "I told Miss Heywood that very thing."
Mr. Colbourne replied, "Miss Heywood is an extraordinary woman, Miss Hankins."
'I am very glad to hear you say so. She and I have become friends, and I am always glad to pass along a compliment when I hear one, Mr. Colbourne."
Miss Hankins said, "You know, I have found that people can be skittish at times, when they have been hurt or betrayed. It takes a brave person to risk having their heart broken again. Most people do not have someone to nurture them through their fears, like your Hannibal has you. I know he is an animal, not a person, but he responds to your touch and soothing voice, just as a human being would. He knows he can trust you."
"Yes, Miss Hankins."
"Trust is one of love's cornerstones, Mr. Colbourne. People cannot get over their fear of being hurt again without trust. It is just human nature."
"Thank you, Miss Hankins."
He mounted Hannibal, and said, ``I bid you a good day."
Alexander tipped his hat to her, and turned Hannibal toward Heyrick Park.
Miss Hankins watched him leave and thought if she had ever seen a man in love, it was Mr. Colbourne. When she had mentioned Miss Heywood's name, his whole countenance changed.
She would make a point to invite Miss Heywood to tea and tell her what he had said. The road to love was not always a smooth one, and if friends could help pave the way, it was their Christian duty to do so. Let it never be said that Miss Hankins was not a good friend.
On the ride home, Alexander thought of what Miss Hankins had told him about what Lennox had said to Miss Heywood about rescuing her from a lowly existence as a governess. It especially rankled because she had been his governess, and yet, hadn't he made her feel much the same way when he had dismissed her? He cringed when he remembered not only what he said, but how cold he had sounded when he said it.
He remembered the hurt in her eyes.
He felt ashamed and regretful that he had made her feel that way. She did not deserve it.
If he had been honest, he would have told her his fears of failing her, but he had not trusted her. He was confounded by that because the night he told her about Lucy, she had been so compassionate.
No, it wasn't her he did not trust, it was himself he did not trust.
She was skittish around him, just like Hannibal was skittish when he sensed danger. She was afraid of being hurt again, and who could blame her?
It had been seven days since he last saw her when she had come to Heyrick Park the day after the ball.
Tomorrow, he would take Leo to Trafalgar House to leave for Willingden. He would see her then. Leo was driving them all to distraction with her excitement to go with Miss Heywood to stay with her family. Alexander had never seen her so excited about anything, and he was grateful Miss Heywood had invited Leo to go home with her.
It occurred to him that he would miss Leonora when she was away. He truly thought of her as his daughter now, and Augusta as well.
In the morning, he had the carriage hitched and took Leo into town. Miss Heywood said they were leaving early for Willingden because Georgiana and Arthur were returning home to Sanditon later in the day.
When they got to Trafalgar House, The family was still at the breakfast table, and room was quickly made for the Colbournes to join them.
It was evident to him that Miss Heywood was treated as family, and the Parkers loved her. He did not get a chance to speak to her, but it was enough to be in her presence.
After breakfast, the carriage was loaded, and it was time to leave for Willingden.
Leo hugged him and said, "Goodbye, Father!"
He waved to her and called, "Goodbye, Leo!"
Tom Parker turned to Mr. Colbourne and said, "Please come back in the house. I would like a word with you."
"Certainly, Mr. Parker," and Alexander followed him to Tom's study.
On the way, Tom stopped in front of Sidney's portrait.
"Do you remember my brother, Mr. Colbourne?"
Alexander had not seen him in many years, but said, "Yes, I remember him from our younger years."
Tom said, "My brother loved Miss Heywood, and because of circumstances I am responsible for, he never was able to marry the one woman he loved."
"Miss Heywood is an honorary Parker for the rest of her life, and more than you can possibly know, I wish things had turned out differently for the two of them."
Tom showed Mr. Colbourne into the study and invited him to sit.
"I am a man of many regrets, Mr. Colbourne, but I cannot be a good husband and father to my family if I do not learn from my mistakes, and try to do better with the rest of my life."
"Sometimes, people make mistakes that are costly in money, but other times, the far greater cost is someone's happiness, as in the case of Sidney and Charlotte."
"Miss Heywood has forgiven me for my part in what happened with her and my brother. Not many people could forgive such a thing because the course of her life was altered by circumstances over which she had no control. My brother made the choices he thought were right for the situation, but he failed to talk it over with her first."
"Mr. Colbourne, I do not know what has passed between you and Miss Heywood, but I know that there is something between you. Anyone with eyes can see the two of you together and know that."
Tom continued, "The day you came to see her in my drawing room, I heard her weeping before you even got out of the front door. I sent my Mary to comfort her, and she told me later that Miss Heywood was heartbroken over you."
Mr. Colbourne said, "I cannot live with myself that I hurt her, but I am not the man she needs."
Tom said, " Not the man she needs? I think that is her decision to make, Colbourne."
"While I agree that as long as she was working as your governess, such an attachment was inappropriate, but she has not been your employee for three months now."
Mr. Colbourne was growing uncomfortable. He did not know Tom Parker well enough to be discussing such personal matters.
Tom said, "I can see that you think I am quite impertinent, but Miss Heywood is family to me, and for as long as she lives, she will be treated as a beloved sister."
Alexander said, "She is fortunate to have your family's loyalty to her."
Tom said, "Yes, she has our love and our loyalty, but the question is, does she have yours?"
Alexander said, 'I regret that I hurt her, and the decision to end things with her was the hardest choice I have ever made."
Tom said, "Is that a declaration that you do love her?"
Alexander stood up and paced the room. He was unsettled by the conversation and unused to being challenged in such a way.
He turned to Tom and said, "It doesn't matter."
Tom contradicted him and said, "It most certainly does. Charlotte's happiness matters a great deal."
Alexander ran his hands through his hair in frustration.
"If things were only that simple."
"They could be, Colbourne, but you insist on making them complicated."
"I learned a hard life lesson from my brother's untimely death, Colbourne. Nobody is promised tomorrow. All we have for certain, is today. If we are wise, we make the most of every day we are granted on this earth."
"Miss Heywood will be gone a week, and you have some thinking to do. If you honestly want to live the rest of your life without her, then you do not love her as I think you do. It is really that simple."
Tom stood up, and said "You have one week to make up your mind, and before you go to get your daughter and Miss Heywood from Willingden, I expect a visit from you giving me your answer."
"It is the honorable thing to do, Colbourne. I think you know that, and it will help Mary and I to know how to guide Miss Heywood as she moves on with her life. You are not the only man who loves her, Colbourne. James Stringer does as well, and very soon, he will be back in Sanditon for quite some time when we begin building the Sanditon Theater."
This was unwelcome news.
Alexander shook Tom's hand, and left Trafalgar House.
He did not need a week, a day, an hour, or even a minute to know his feelings for Miss Heywood, but he did not know if he could be worthy of her in this lifetime.
He got in the carriage and went home. The minute he got there, he saddled Hannibal and took him for a long run.
When he got back, Augusta joined him in the barn.
"Uncle, I have something I want to talk over with you at lunch. Shall I tell Mrs. Wheatley we will take it in the garden?"
'Yes, that would be fine, Augusta. I will be along shortly."
When Alexander joined his niece at the table, she told him that some changes needed to be made to the house while Leo was away.
Alexander said, "The house has not been updated in many, many years. What do you have in mind, Augusta?"
Augusta said, "I am not talking about furnishings, Uncle. I am talking about cleaning out the cobwebs and laying ghosts to rest."
He said, "I am afraid I am not following your thinking, Augusta. Please be more specific."
Augusta said, "We need to put Aunt Lucy's portrait in the sitting room next to Leo's room, and to clear out Aunt Lucy's things. I can go through her room this afternoon and sort through the things I think Leo may want some day."
"I do not need her dresses now that I have new ones of my own, so those can be given to Miss Hankins to be given to those who need them.
Alexander said, "Anything else, Augusta?"
"I cannot clear the ghosts from your mind, Uncle, only you can do that."
Augusta took a deep breath, and said, "Uncle, anyone can look at Leo and Colonel Lennox and see that he is her father by birth. You have told me that my memory cannot be relied on, but I cannot ever remember Aunt Lucy being happy."
She continued, "Not all marriages are what Miss Heywood's parents have. My own parents were happily married, but Uncle, they were in love."
"I am asking you, Uncle, did you love Aunt Lucy, and did she love you when you married?"
Alexander said, "You have grown up, Augusta and you are quite astute in your assessment of things. Yes, Leo is Colonel Lennox's daughter, but I am her true father. If she ever asked me to tell her the truth, I will. However, until that time, let's never speak of it again."
Augusta agreed.
"As far as Lucy is concerned, no, we did not marry for love. It was expected of me to marry and produce an heir as the older son. She had been out in London society for several seasons, and it seemed to be a good idea at the time. However, we were ill-suited to marry each other. I did feel affection for her, at least in the beginning."
Augusta said, "That is what I thought, yet Aunt Lucy, even in death, has more control over your life than the woman who does love you. And….is very much alive."
Alexander looked at his niece, "Anything else on your mind, Augusta?"
She smiled at him and said, "That is all, Uncle."
Alexander just nodded and turned his attention to lunch.
When Mrs. Wheatley came to clear the dishes, he told her that Augusta would need some help upstairs this afternoon.
He left and went to his study to work.
On his way, he took Lucy's portrait down and took it upstairs to Leo's sitting room. Before Leo returned from Willingden, the house would be cleared of the cobwebs, so to speak, and the physical reminders of his unhappy past removed from the public rooms.
The demons that plagued his thoughts at times, and tore away at his self-confidence as a man, would not so easily be cleared away.
Tom Parker had given him only a week to determine that he would be the man that Miss Heywood needed him to be.
He wondered, why was he holding on to his past? Was it as Mrs. Wheatley had said that he only had to want to let it go?
Tom Parker had challenged him, and he decided to accept that challenge. He would do his best to be worthy of Miss Heywood, and he would work hard to earn her trust. He could only hope that once she trusted him, she would forgive him.
Feeling better that he had come to a decision, he went into the music room and opened the shutters to the room he had once forbidden anyone to come in.
He watched as the sunlight flooded the room, and he thought of how Charlotte's love had brought light into the darkness that had been his life for so long.
He wanted to make the most of his days on earth, as Tom had said. He wanted to be a father to his girls and to someday, if he could win her back, be a husband to Miss Heywood.
Yes, he was willing to finally put the past behind him.
Mrs. Wheatley would be glad to hear it.
.