Chapter Nine: Moving Forward
The next morning, Charlotte walked along the beach for a while before she made her way to the cliff tops. She was in no hurry to get to Heyrick Park for the conversation with Mr. Colbourne. The last time he had asked to speak to her at Heyrick Park was a painful memory she would rather forget.
Yesterday, in Willingden with her family, it had been comfortable to be in his presence, and only slightly less so on the carriage ride back to Sanditon. She thought of their last meeting along these very cliff tops when he asked for her forgiveness. She had not been receptive to what he had to say, but the time together in Willingden had softened her heart.
When she arrived at Heyrick Park, Augusta met her outside and walked with her to the garden. It was a crisp fall morning, but still warm enough to enjoy the outdoors.
Mr. Colbourne was already at the table with Leo. He stood and seated both his niece and Miss Heywood.
The four of them spent a lovely hour together. Leo and Augusta were both watching the interactions between Alexander and Miss Heywood. From time to time, they exchanged little smiles.
Alexander his heart swell with love, not only for Miss Heywood, but for his girls. He wondered how he had ever lived so long, three and thirty years, without experiencing love the way he knew it now. He was a father to both girls, and they had truly become a family in a way that he had never known himself as a child. He was not related by blood to either girl, but he loved them as if they were his own. He regretted the time he had wasted shutting himself off from them and everyone else.
He watched Miss Heywood as she talked and laughed with Augusta and Leo, and he thought that she belonged here. She was everything he could ever want in a wife, and he needed her in a way he had never needed anyone.
Alexander told the girls that they would see them later, and then he walked with Charlotte to his study.
He made sure the door was partially left often, and every propriety would be observed. Alexander wanted to take every measure possible to show her that he respected her. Her words that day at Trafalgar House had left little doubt that she had felt disrespected by his words and his actions. He would not make that mistake again.
"Miss Heywood, thank you for coming this morning."
He asked her to sit down, and then he sat down beside her. "I owe you both an apology and an explanation about the conversation we had in this very room a few months ago."
Charlotte stiffened and sat up straighter. "It was hardly a conversation. You spoke and I listened, as I recall."
"I regret that, Miss Heywood, and I hope you can forgive me."
Charlotte said, "I have already forgiven you and moved on, Mr. Colbourne. I always try to forgive people because the person who is hurt the most by holding on to grudges for wrongdoings is ourselves. However, I have not forgotten all that has transpired."
"I admit that is was only very recently that I did forgive you, Mr. Colbourne."
Alexander was worried now. What did she mean exactly by that comment, she had moved on?
"Miss Heywood, I need to explain my actions the day Leo went to the encampment to see Lennox."
"You see, I had realized weeks before that I had feelings for you. Then, the night of the ball when I told you about Lucy, and you were so compassionate, I felt hope for the first time in my life that I might know genuine happiness."
He watched as emotions flitted across her face, and he could see pain in her eyes.
"The next morning when you arrived at Heyrick Park, and we took a walk about the grounds, I had planned to make you a proposal of marriage. And then, Mrs. Wheatley interrupted and informed us Leo was missing."
"After we found Leo, and you left to take her home, is when my hopes and dreams came crashing down around me."
Charlotte still said nothing, but she did nod her head for him to continue.
"As you know, I went back to speak to Lennox, and he asked me if I was certain I would not fail you as I had failed Lucy."
"He knew my Achilles heel, so to speak, and he hit his target."
Charlotte said, "Go on, Mr. Colbourne."
"All of my life up until my father died, all I can remember from him was criticism. My father rarely had a kind word to say to either Samuel or me. I never developed much of a sense of self-worth as a boy, and then as a man, I failed miserably as a husband. I am afraid, what little self-esteem I did have was shattered after Lucy's betrayal and then, her death."
"I could not have forgiven myself if I had failed you, too, Miss Heywood. After you left Heyrick Park later that afternoon, I went for a long ride on Hannibal. After much deliberation, I decided it was best for your sake that I ended things."
"Mrs. Wheatley told me I would regret it, and she was right. Every day since, I have missed you more than I have words to express."
Alexander pressed on, "I want to be worthy of you, Miss Heywood. I want to earn your trust. As Miss Hankins told me, trust is a cornerstone in all relationships. I am asking you for a second chance."
He looked her directly in the face so he could gauge her reaction, "When we were in Willingden, I asked your father for permission to court you, and to ask for your hand in marriage. I want very much for you to be my wife, Miss Heywood."
Charlotte stood and went to stand by the window.
He went to stand behind her, said, "I promise you as I have promised your father, that I will endeavor to never hurt you again."
Charlotte turned to face him, and she said, "I want to believe you are sincere, but surely you can understand, Mr. Colbourne, and it may take some time before I am able to trust you again."
She continued, "People only have the power over us that we give them, at least that has been my experience. I gave you the power to hurt me when I gave my heart to you. I will not give it again so easily this time."
"At one time, I had decided to give up on love and marriage after Sidney Parker and all that happened between us. It is why I became your governess. After his death, I did not want to ever experience such pain again."
"However, both Mary and Miss Hankins encouraged me to allow myself some time to grieve, even though I was not his widow. I did grieve Sidney, not only his death, but also for the life we did not get to have together. With time, I have found my peace with all that transpired, and I am no longer held hostage to the pain of it all. Sidney Parker holds a special place in my heart, and I remember him now with great fondness."
"Sidney and I had a final conversation the day I left Sanditon after the summer of the fire that changed everything. He had stopped the carriage that was taking me back to Willingden. He told me he did not love Mrs. Campion, the wealthy widow he had agreed to marry, but I told him he had to try and be happy."
"I know that if there had been any other way to remedy the financial straits the fire put Tom Parker in, then Sidney would not have made the choice he did."
"I must do as I asked him to do, and that is to live my life and be happy. If I am to do that, I have to let go of the pain you have caused me. I am trying, but it is not easy."
Charlotte met his eyes and said, "Mr. Colbourne, "When are you going to let the past go, and live your life?"
He said, "I have taken steps to move forward, Miss Heywood."
Alexander loved her passion and her willingness to speak her mind.
Charlotte met his eyes, "You cannot fail me or anyone else if you know your own worth, Mr. Colbourne, but only you can determine that you are worthy of someone's love and faith in you. I was fortunate to be taught that by my parents, and I am sad that you were not."
Alexander said, " Thank you, and I agree, Miss Heywood. All I am asking for is the chance to prove myself to you."
Charlotte nodded her head in consent.
Alexander smiled and said, "Are we moving forward then, Miss Heywood? Might I hope that I have not ruined things between us beyond repair?"
Charlotte looked at this man who had known so little love in his life. Yes, there was hope for them to move forward.
"Yes, I am willing to try, but you must promise me that you will talk things over with me if something is bothering you. You will not retreat inwardly and leave me wondering why your behavior changed. I must trust that you are sincere in your affections this time, Mr. Colbourne."
It was all he could do not take her in his arms. But….he could not.
Miss Heywood, "I promise I will give you every reason to trust me, and I will talk things over with you if something is troubling me."
"My feelings for you have remained unchanged, and if anything, have only grown stronger, Miss Heywood. I am quite sincere in my affections for you."
Charlotte said, "Is there anything else you want to discuss?"
Alexander said, "Yes, there are many things to discuss, but all in due time, my love."
Charlotte caught her breath when she heard him address her with such an endearment.
He had not meant to say it, but it was true.
She said, "Well then, we know where we are."
Alexander said, "I want to court you properly, Miss Heywood."
"We are not ready for a courtship. I appreciate that you want to do things properly, but I am not ready for that step, yet."
Alexander was disappointed, but he understood. "Of course, Miss Heywood."
"Would you like to come here again tomorrow? I can ask Mrs. Wheatley to pack a picnic lunch and we can walk to a lovely spot I know of on the property. Of course, the girls would come with us."
Charlotte said, "I cannot come tomorrow. Mr. Stringer is coming to Sanditon next week, earlier than the Parker brothers expected him to come, and I have promised Tom and Arthur that I will organize all of the invoices on Tom's desk for them."
"The next day, then?"
"Yes, but please come to tea at Trafalgar House."
"I would like that, Miss Heywood, thank you."
Alexander asked if he could walk her home, and she said, "Yes."
Before leaving the house, Charlotte told the girls she would see them soon, and then she and Alexander left for Sanditon.
On their walk, Alexander told her more about his brother who was a barrister in London. They were not close, but they were amicable. Alexander said that he planned to invite his brother to Heyrick Park soon.
When they got to the cliff tops, Charlotte turned to him and said, "Thank you for walking with me, Mr. Colbourne, but I can go the rest of the way myself."
He was disappointed, but he remembered his promise to her father that he would put her feelings before his own and honor her independent spirit.
"We will see you in a few days, Miss Heywood."
"Yes, Mr. Colbourne, until then."
"Until then, Miss Heywood."
She smiled and turned to continue on her way. He stood there and watched as she made her way toward town. However, she did not continue all the way to town, but instead, in the place where the cliff tops were lower to the beach, he saw her disappear from sight.
Both curious and concerned, he followed her to make sure she was safe.
He saw her sitting on a rock near the water's edge. She seemed to be deep in thought.
He waited for a bit, but not wanting to invade her privacy, he turned to go home.
Charlotte was unsettled by all that had been said that morning. She wanted to think about things in this private spot she called Sidney's Cove. She always felt his presence here and it brought her comfort. She realized just how much she had learned about life from her relationship with Sidney Parker, and she was grateful to have known him.
Mr. Colbourne wanted to marry her, and she did believe he was sincere. He had explained himself and she had believed him. However, even though she still loved him, and she ached for all the love he had not known as a boy, her trust would not be won without time.
He had to find his own sense of self-worth if he was to be the kind of husband she needed.
She had only recently ended her engagement to Mr. Starling, and she was in no hurry to enter into another agreement at this time. She needed to get to know Mr. Colbourne better, and to learn to trust that he was the man she would be happy with for the rest of her life.
She sat there thinking for a long time about the sadness of Alexander Colbourne's life, and how her heart ached for all he had suffered. Still, he needed to come to her as a man who lived for today and for tomorrow, and who could finally lay the ghosts of his past to rest.
Only time would tell if he was able to do that. She hoped for both their sakes, he could.