Just Wanted You To Know
By Laura Schiller
Based on: Star Trek: Picard
Copyright: Paramount +
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"They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that
(...) I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying"
- Taylor swift, "this is me trying"
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"I've dealt with the Q Continuum before, you know."
Raffi glanced sharply at Seven after this abrupt conversation-starter. The Markridge Tower was further away from the Sanctuary District they had landed in than it looked, so they had quite a way to walk through the smoggy streets of L. A. Truth be told, the smell of this place was making Raffi slightly sick. Nothing was worse for a recovering addict than to smell pot, cigarettes and beer on every corner. She would welcome any kind of talk from Seven right now, even an argument, if only to serve as a distraction.
"You did? When?"
"On Voyager." Seven smiled darkly. "Q likes Janeway almost as much as he likes Picard, so much that he even named her godmother to Q Junior. Q dumped the boy on us and turned him human so Janeway could teach him manners. But before that, he still had time to vanish my clothes and leer at me. And when he was human, he dragged Icheb into a stupid prank that could have gotten them both killed. They took a shuttle out for a joyride into alien territory and were attacked, and if Q Junior hadn't grown a conscience at the last minute and asked for help, Icheb would have died that day."
Raffi had been simmering with rage all day, but this was a whole different flavor. At the same time, though, the name of Icheb - and the way Seven's voice wavered when she said it - acted like a dash of cold water. Seven rarely spoke of her late Borg protegé, and even less often in such an ordinary, familiar way, as a boy who got into trouble. There was such love behind the exasperation, but she couldn't think of that now. She had to stay angry, or she'd break down, and be no use to their mission whatsoever.
"Why are you telling me all this?" Raffi asked. "Do you know something about the Q that Starfleet doesn't? Is there," a sudden hope occurred to her, "A way to stop them?"
"Didn't you hear what I just said?" Seven retorted flatly. "There is no way to stop the Q. We didn't have a choice about dealing with them. No mortal does. So instead of berating Picard for something beyond his control, I'd appreciate it if - "
"Wait, that's what this is about?" Raffi's voice rose so abruptly that a passerby stared at them. People here kept a fairly wide distance on the sidewalk, too far away to eavesdrop - no wonder, they must be barely past the COVID pandemic - but her shout must have drawn attention. She lowered her voice to a furious whisper instead.
"You feel sorry for Picard? After he let Elnor flatline on the biobed to save the Borg Queen?"
And there it was. She'd been trying so hard to stay professional, to be the Starfleet officer she'd worked hard to become and not the emotional wreck she used to be, but one mention of Elnor's name and she was seeing red. They could have saved him, if that greedy parasite of a Borg Queen hadn't been draining all the power out of the ship's systems. He'd been so brave and dignified, too, holding his medal, meditating on Qowat Milat teachings even as he died. He reminded her far too much of Gabe.
"It was the right tactical choice," said Seven.
"Tactical choice, my ass," Raffi hissed. "We don't even need the Queen's information. We're tracking the Watcher right now, aren't we?"
"Yeah, and look how far we've come," was the sarcastic response.
"Must be nice for you and Picard, to be able to lock up your feelings in neat little boxes the way you do. If you had any idea what it's like to lose a child - "
Seven, marching ahead of her with single-minded speed, stepped off the sidewalk to cross the street. At the same time, an automobile roared toward them, belching exhaust.
Raffi caught her by the arm and pulled her back just in time.
"Look both ways, will you?" she gasped.
Seven swayed on her feet, trembling in Raffi's hold, her face draining of all color. Raffi came to two crucial realizations at the same time.
First - she had definitely pushed too far this time. Seven might not have any biological children, but the group of young xB's she'd adopted on Voyager had meant just as much to her, and she had lost all of them, either to death or permanent separation. Moreover, Seven had loved Elnor too. She'd been the one to rescue him on the Artifact, and she'd been taking care of him longer than Raffi had. So, yes, Seven did know what it was like to lose a child - and if she was keeping her feelings locked up in a box, the lock was not as secure as it looked from the outside.
Second - Picard, who had known Elnor since childhood, must be in the inner circles of hell right now, whether he deserved to be or not. Seven must have picked up on that. Her mind and his worked in similar ways, not only because of the shared Borg trauma, but by nature. Raffi had accused them both of being heartless, but they had shown more empathy for each other - and for her - than she had.
You feel like your pain isolates you, her counselor at Starfleet Medical's rehabilitation program had said to her once. And that's understandable, but pain is also one of the few things all life forms have in common. The other is the ability to connect.
Seven clung to Raffi's arm for support as if, in spite of everything they'd just thrown at each other, she still trusted her. Raffi held her until they both stopped shaking.
"My … my vision's off," Seven murmured, holding up one hand in front of her face and frowning at it like a puzzle piece out of place. "Without my ocular implant."
"Oh, honey, mine too," said Raffi. "And I don't have that excuse. I can't see past the end of my nose today. I'm sorry. You'll always be a mother, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Including me."
Seven squeezed Raffi's hand in understanding, or perhaps forgiveness.
"Raf?"
"Hm?"
"For the record, the way I feel about my children doesn't fit into a box … and neither does the way I feel about you."
"No?"
"When I woke up wearing this … " Seven frowned as she pulled President Hansen's obsidian wedding band off her finger and dropped it into a pocket. "I expected my partner to be you. I … hoped it would be you."
That touched Raffi's heart in a way that made it impossible to stay angry. Seven was so reserved most of the time that moments like this meant more than they would with anyone else.
"The multiverse is infinite, you know," she said after a while. "I'm sure it's true somewhere. You and me, I mean. Wearing rings."
"Somewhere," Seven agreed, a faraway look in her clear blue eyes "Someday."
"Now c'mon." Raffi linked arms with her and led her across the street, making sure to look both ways this time. "Let's find that Watcher, rewrite history and bring back our son."
Seven held up her golden head with fierce determination. "Let's go."