The apartment was alive with children laughing and food cooking.
Rafael stood at the bar, chopping onions small to slip into meatballs as Liv stood at the stove stirring sauce.
On the way here, they swung past his apartment so he could grab some clothes and a few files to work on in case he had time. He was wearing an old Harvard hoodie and his black slacks.
Liv was wearing a grey t-shirt with some jeans and had her hair pinned up.
"Aspen, look!" Noah yelled as he finished whatever he was building with his portion of Legos.
"Wait, how did you get that to fit?" She asked, astounded.
And he launched into an explanation, lowering the structure to show her where each piece went to make it happen.
"Look what I built," she said proudly following the lesson.
"Hang on, you're missing something," he said and he started digging through his little bucket.
"Is it bad?" Aspen asked.
"No it's great, it just needs," he began, once he found whatever it was he reached over and poked it into her structure, "a flag! It can't be a pirate ship without a flag."
They both laughed.
"Can I take a picture of both of you with your creations?" Rafa inquired.
"Please, Uncle Rafa!"
"Yeah!" Aspen cheered.
Liv watched as they both held them up and Rafael moved to take the photo of them with his phone.
Once the photos had been taken, the two of them got to work disassembling what they'd built, talking about what they were going to build next.
"You should go join them," Liv said, moving to stand next to Rafael who'd returned to the cutting board.
"I'm helping with dinner."
"The water is almost boiling and the sauce is almost done."
"I'll go once the meatballs are in the oven."
She sighed and conceded and they worked together to get everything ready for him to go join the kids.
They decided to throw some garlic bread into the oven, too.
Once the meatballs were in and the pasta was on, he turned, "you're sure?"
"You'll be right there and if I need anymore help I'll ask."
"If I get down on that floor I might not get back up."
She laughed, bumping her shoulder against his, "just go, Raf. It'll be fine."
Rafael smiled and headed toward the living room, "can I play with you guys?"
The kids cheered and immediately started redistributing Legos so there were enough for all three of them to build with.
Liv stirred the pasta and set the sauce to simmer before leaning against the bar to watch the three play.
"What are you making?" Rafa leaned toward Aspen.
"It's a secret, this one's a competition."
"Wait, a competition?" Rafael sounded shocked, "you didn't warn me? Who is the judge?"
"Momma," Noah said, his eyes not leaving the project he's working on.
"I don't remember signing up to be a judge," Liv added.
"We decided it would be you and Rafa but since he's playing now too, it's just you," Aspen explained matter-of-factly.
Liv nodded.
When her phone started ringing, Noah looked up and his face fell.
Rafael noticed, "what's wrong, kiddo?"
"The phone ringing usually means work."
Aspen looked over.
"Well, even if momma has to go to work for a bit, I'll stay here with you both. Would that be okay?"
Noah looked at the older man and contemplated, "only if you'll read a bedtime story with the voices like you used to for me and Aspen."
"Of course."
Liv answered Amanda's call and went a few steps down the back hall as she answered it.
"Benson."
"Hey, Liv. Wanted to update you on what we've found."
"Go ahead."
"These financials are seriously outta wack," Fin said, his voice a bit further away.
"How do you mean?"
"Well, we have not been able to determine a set price for anything, or even a set starting price. Everything is different. It's not like for sample freezing it starts at like a grand. It's like you're paying four grand, Fin's paying eleven hundred, I'm paying eight hundred grand, Barba is paying eight grand. Like, no two people are paying the same price and some things are completely out of left field," Amanda explained.
"There's one statement here for three quarters of a million for IVF and a half a mill for equipment but we looked up the equipment retailer and it's a private LLC overseas," Fin added.
The more Liv heard, the more concerned she got.
"When did this start?" She inquired.
"In 2015."
"Month?"
"Well, January. With some research it looks like the previous owner of the facility passed away in October of 2014 and then her two kids took over. Seems like things have been slowly growing more and more shady since," Amanda offered.
"Alright. Reach out to Carisi first thing tomorrow for a facility-wide subpoena. Head home, all three of you, get some rest."
"Alright, Cap," Fin said.
"Have a nice night, Liv."
Distantly she heard something from Velasco but the call was done before she could say anything else.
She made her way back into the kitchen and finished making dinner while Rafael and the kids built their Legos. She could hear quiet bickering and laughter but she just focused on the food and the whole feeling in her chest.
"Dinner!" She cheered, serving spaghetti into bowls.
"Wait, you have to judge first," Rafael said.
She turned from the stove and raised an eyebrow at him.
"Please, momma," Noah pleaded.
She sighed and sat it down, especially once she witnessed Aspen's puppy eyes.
She shuffled into the living room and looked at what had been built.
"This is a space ship and if you look, you can see that I built it upside down so that I could add the fire out of the bottom," Noah showed her.
She nodded and then looked at Aspen's.
"I built a park. That's the swings and Noah on them and that's you pushing him and then Rafa catching me at the bottom of the slide," Aspen pointed at each of the Lego people in their spots.
She smiled some and looked at Rafa.
"I built a court room," he smirked.
"Of course," she smiled wider.
"That's you on the stand," he said, "and me at the prosecution table."
"Points for historical accuracy."
"History it is," he sighed slightly.
"Who wins, momma?!" Noah asked.
"Well, I think they're all very good. Yours gets points for creative usage of colors and directions, Aspen's gets points for being adorable, and Rafa gets points for history, like I said."
"But that doesn't mean any of us won," Aspen's brow furrowed.
"I think it has to be a tie," she let out a sigh, "they're all so good I can't choose."
Rafael winked at her.
"Now, we gotta clean up and wash up for dinner before the spaghetti gets cold."
"Spaghetti!" Noah cheered.
He and Aspen set to cleaning up the Legos, while Rafa followed Liv back to the kitchen to finish serving dinner.
Once the toys were put away, Noah led Aspen to the bathroom to wash their hands.
"What was the call earlier?"
"That facility is charging people whatever they want whenever. Apparently the original owner and like CEO passed away only a few months after we went and it's been downhill since then."
"So, when we went it probably was a legitimately good place?"
She nodded.
Noah and Aspen returned and both of them were doing excited little dances for dinner.
They ate dinner with some conversation and Liv was filled with so much joy.
Later, once Noah was in bed and Aspen was set up in his room with him on a little camping cot that Rafael had borrowed from one of his neighbors, the two adults sat in the now quiet apartment.
"Both of them were out like a light by the end of the book," Rafael smiled over at Liv.
She poured them each a glass of wine and then sat back, pulling her legs up onto the couch, "good. I'll go tuck them in and check on them again in a little while."
He nodded and sat back, moving to face her with his glass of wine in hand.
"We should talk," she said with an almost final tone.
He gave her a small smile, "I think we should."
She rubbed at her jaw and took a deep breath.
"Can I go first?" Rafael inquired quietly after another couple moments of silence.
Liv nodded.
Rafael took a deep breath and then chugged the rest of this first glass of wine before leaning to pour more.
"You sure you want to?" She released a soft laugh.
"I do. I'm just also in need of some courage to say all of what I'm thinking."
She nodded and sipped her wine because she certainly agreed with him.
He drank half of his second glass and topped it off and topped hers off before he sat back and took yet another deep breath.
"You ready now?"
He laughed a bit and then nodded, "I think so. I've been practicing this speech all day in my head and it's dumb now."
"Nothing you ever say is dumb, Rafa. Especially when you prepare. You are nothing but eloquent."
He gave her a small smile, "okay. Here goes nothing."
She gave him an encouraging nod.
"Olivia Benson, I've told you once before that you turned my black and white world to color. There were things that I wanted to say that day that I didn't. Things I'd hoped you'd find between what I did say."
She watched him as he spoke and hung closely to his every word.
"The fact of it is, I should've just come out and said everything I wanted to say. I never should have expected you to try to guess what was between the lines, I never should have expected you to read my mind. Especially when I know that my words and actions don't always express my thoughts and feelings. My face occasionally betrays me in giving confidence, and cockiness where there should be kindness and apathy when there should be love."
He took another long sip of his wine before continuing, "but I think I was afraid of you. I think I was afraid of how certain you were about what you wanted from life while I stood there in a time of absolute uncertainty. I had just decided to leave my job and I was sure if I said the wrong thing I would lose you, too, and despite everything and everyone else, you were the one thing I couldn't handle losing.
"Liv, when I met you I never anticipated the importance you would hold in my life. I never expected to spend free time with you, I never expected to be concerned when we disagreed on something, I never expected to fear losing your trust and respect. I never expected to fear losing you."
She could see the edge of tears in his eyes but she didn't point them out for the same reason she didn't hug him earlier in the day. She knew if she made a move he wasn't expecting or didn't want, he'd lose momentum and she didn't want to interrupt.
"Liv, you painstakingly painted color through my entire existence. You stood at walls you didn't know were there and forced them down brick by brick. You stared into the face of many a demon and tore it from me. I know in my heart that if I were in danger you'd be the first to arrive. You take charge of every room you're in, even if you don't mean to and when you speak people listen. You're gentle and powerful and strong and kind and you see good in a world that is filled with such great evils. And for all of that, now, years after I should have said it…"
Liv swallowed hard, she knew what he was going to say.
He turned to her and took her hand, "I am in love with you. It wasn't a fall, I never fell. Not like everyone always describes, it was slow and it was meaningful and it was one day I looked up at you across the table in my office and I knew that you were the one I needed for the rest of my life and I threw away years of potential love and happiness for fear of scaring you away. And I can't do that anymore."
She opened her mouth to speak but something in his face told her to wait.
"And I know that Stabler is part of your life, I know that he's vying for your attention, too. I know that you loved him far before you knew me. And I'll understand if I'm too late, if he's the one and I'm speaking out of turn. But, those kids in there? I will love them with every ounce of who I am either way, I will give my all to give both of them good lives."
Liv felt the lump in her throat because everything he'd just said was everything she needed to hear.
He finished off the second glass of wine.
Liv could see the pink at the tips of his ears forming, a tell tale sign that there was alcohol in his system.
There was a long quiet while he just looked at her.
"Is it my turn, then?" She asked softly.
A small laugh left him and then he nodded.
"I didn't really sit and prepare a speech. I don't really ever do that and that's not me saying that your way is bad, my way's just different. Which is how it always was with us."
He nodded again and gave her hand a squeeze.
"There was a time when you were described to me as having big brass… ego and I was prepared for the worst. I was ready to have a DA I couldn't stand be assigned to our unit and then I watched you in that courtroom and I knew the way you would give your all to every case I brought to you."
"Big brass…" He squinted briefly, "oh."
Liv laughed, her eyes trained on her wine glass, "I was broken and in many ways I still am. But that didn't matter to you, I knew at the end of every hard day and every impossible week you'd be on your stool at Forlini's with your notes and a glass of scotch. You never pushed me for anything. You never asked me for anything outside of the job. You never expected anything from me and that meant something to me, Raf. It took everything I had that day outside the courthouse not to grab you and force you to stay. Watching you walk away was more painful than I can describe. Everything you've ever done has astounded me."
He gave her a small smile.
"And I didn't understand what you meant when you said that you were me now. It bothered me for weeks until I realized that you took the responsibility, the pain, of flipping that switch to protect anyone else from having to make that decision. You did it and at the time I was so hurt and confused and upset but I realized later, much later, that I would have done the exact same thing. If there was absolutely no other alternative, like there wasn't in that situation, I would have made the exact same decision."
He was crying now and he didn't make any moves to hide it because so was she.
"I knew I loved you long before then but I knew in that moment that I let you walk away, that it was the greatest mistake I'd ever made. You were the one I wanted when something went wrong, you were the only one I didn't have to be strong for. You were the only one that I knew if I broke down, you'd pick me back up and not mention it if it didn't need to be mentioned."
His heart was punching in his ears.
"The embryos started as a drunken joke and ended as a promise to you, Rafa. Even if you didn't know I was promising you anything. It was a promise that if this was a decision you made, I would be right there every step. And that little girl in the other room? She was sent here for us, she appeared at exactly the time when we needed to be pulled back together and I knew it from the moment you walked into my office this morning. I wanted to grab you and scream at you that this was some greater power telling us to get over this fight that never should've had anything to do with me in the first place."
He gave a small nod, "I wouldn't have represented him if it weren't for you."
Part of her hurt over that statement and made her almost nauseous.
The whole situation was screwed up and never should've happened.
"I don't want to talk about that anymore," she said with a sense of finality to that part of the conversation.
"Okay," he reached to squeeze her hand.
She took a deep breath, "my speech is never going to be as eloquent as yours was. But, the point to be made here is… I wish you'd said something sooner-"
His face fell like he was anticipating her saying she'd chosen Stabler.
"But, Elliot… he seems to have this expectation that I'll be the same person he left behind. That I'll be the detective who threw caution to the wind for him. That I'll play the fast and loose games he does. And since Noah came into my life, I haven't been able to shake the thoughts of how dangerous some of the stuff he pulled was. How often he was putting himself on the line the way he was as if he had no one to go home to the way I didn't back then…"
He watched her carefully, soaking in every word and the confused, almost hurt look on her face.
"The way he chose me over Kathy so many times. I'll never know if it was the chase and he'll do the same thing with someone else once he gets me. If I was just some conquest to him. I'll never know and I never want to. The version of me that he loves and that loved him is very different from who I am now. And I'll never know because I'll never be his. I don't want to be his version of me. I want to be me and let myself receive love from someone who has seen me at my very lowest and still sits before me with a soft, sorta crooked, cocky smile, and be reassured every damn time that everything will be alright as long as I get to see that crooked smirk again. I want to be loved by the man that I love."
In that moment, the edges of his consciousness a bit drunken, he stared at her because he wanted to kiss her. He wanted to fly, he felt like he could fly.
"As long as it's not too late?" She looked at him for the first time since she started her own speech.
He leaned forward, placing his wine glass on the table and reached to take hers gently from her hand. He placed both glasses on the table and then turned to her.
She watched him, her brown eyes dragged slowly from the glasses on the table to his face as he turned to her.
His fingers very gently came to her face and carefully pushed the hair that fell over her forehead back, "would it be okay if I kissed you now?"
The edges of her lips danced with a smile… just barely, some small part of her was aware that he'd just admitted to knowing what Elliot had done earlier. The larger part of her was so focused on the way his mouth formed those words and the way that they sounded.
"Yes," it was barely a breath as it slipped from her mouth.
Slowly and with the utmost care, Rafael moved forward and placed the softest kiss to her lips. His hand rested lightly against her cheek.
It wasn't a long kiss, but it was the first one that Olivia had ever had where every part of her felt like it had come alive. Her heart pounded and it was like she could feel electricity bouncing softly against her skin. This was the first kiss she'd ever had where she knew, she knew that this was it for her. This was end game. She shivered slightly as he pulled back.
He left his hand against her cheek, his thumb lightly caressing along her cheekbone. His eyes stayed closed for an extended period, just feeling that same flutter he'd felt every time she laughed and it was because of him or when she caught his eye and gave him a small smile just for him. The flutter that made him feel like a high schooler in love for the first time. That's how she always made him feel. So certain and so special.
"Can you do it again?" She breathed out.
And he was back so quickly, his lips just as gentle and soft but this time there was a sense of urgency, an awareness of lost time and the need to spill every ounce of love he had before her. The desire to show her how she should be loved, the desperation he felt knowing that all these years he could've been showing her how much she deserved to be loved and adored.
Her hand slipped carefully along his chest and around his shoulders, pulling him closer as she found herself overwhelmed by a force she'd never felt so strongly. A love so deep it couldn't be touched by anyone other than the person it was for. And she knew it was a love for him because it came from the same place that was so hurt by what she'd perceived as betrayal months earlier. That's when she realized her heart was in his hands and she didn't know exactly how long it had been, probably long before she even realized she loved him.
This kiss was longer, this kiss was the kind of kiss you see in movies where the camera spins around them and Rafael would've laughed at that thought because he always thought it was to get all angles but in that moment he realized it was actually the way his brain felt. It felt like he was spinning. It felt like he was flying above the clouds. It felt like he was exactly where he belonged.
She pulled back only when she needed to breathe, but she didn't go far. Her nose brushed softly against his as she took a deep breath and then, with no warning she pulled him closer and just hugged him. She collapsed into him and in that moment she handed herself over completely as he held her and she clung to him.
The pounding on the door caused them to spring apart from one another as it startled both of them, making them jump once again today.
"Bottle of scotch," he mumbled, "on top of the wine."
She looked at him, "no dice, Raf. I agree with you this time. It's probably him."
She pushed herself up and stalked quickly toward the door because there were sleeping children in this apartment. She yanked the door open with so much force that it almost knocked her off her feet.