Olivia walked into the precinct a bit frazzled the next morning. She and Rafa had left at the same time that morning, late, and all the kids had smothered them with hugs to wish them good luck at work. It was the first time in a long time that she really wished she didn't have to work… it's a reoccurring passing thought, that she'd rather be home with Noah, but she knew that he understood the long hours by now. Leaving all of the kids, knowing only Noah understood the way her schedule could change on a moments notice… that was hard.

"Cap!" Fin greeted her.

"You're here early," she responded lamely, but she gave him a small smile anyway.

"I wanted to make sure I could catch you for a little bit," he followed her into her office, "if you've got a minute?"

"Well, Sergeant, I think you know better than me if I have a minute, right now," she laughed, "I don't know where we are on these cases and I know I'm not supposed to."

Fin put his hands together as if he was contemplating, "alright if I close the door?"

She gestured for him to go ahead as she sent a final 'good luck' to Rafa.

"Barba home with the kids?" He asked, clearly stalling, as he closed the door.

"No," she sighed and sat in her chair, "he's got Wednesdays off unless he's due in court… so Lucy is home with them today but Noah has been incredibly helpful and if anything comes up I can leave you in charge and get home in no time"

Fin nodded.

"Everything okay?"

"Well," he sat across from her, "there have been a lot of developments and a lot of them I can't tell you, or shouldn't anyway."

"Okay?"

"When we got the files, we found Aspen's… first family? Is that what we're callin' them?"

"Yeah, I guess. No other terminology makes sense since we're her biological parents. I suppose birth? But that makes it all so much more confusing. First family works."

"We found her first family."

"Did you guys decide to pursue them?"

Fin adjusted in his chair, "that's the thing, we can't."

Liv tilted her head.

"They're both dead."

Her eyes went wide and a hand went to her mouth, "what happened?"

"The father, Maxwell," he started and took a deep breath, "the father was found in their apartment. It was a shoebox two bedroom. Aspen's room was practically a closet…it appears he took his own life after he sent her here. The whole building reeks so no one noticed the fact that he was… there…"

"Oh, God."

"Found him in a pile of alcohol bottles and pill bottles," he explained, "he wrote a note. Admitting that he'd killed the wife, Lauren, at the end of May."

"Did he say why?"

"He swore it was an accident. The guy's letter was like a novel. I saved a copy for you but I can just give the gist if you want?"

"Can I see it?" She inquired.

He nodded and grabbed a manila folder that she didn't recognize from her desk, "it's in here."

"Thanks, Fin."

"It's very heavy," he warned, "the guilt was eating him from the inside out. Carisi said once you read it, you should call Langan and see if he can push permanent custody. He's worried that one of them had family and they're going to try to claim Antoni was insane and couldn't do any of this."

"I understand. I'll see what we can do."

He nodded, "do you want me to wait or should I step out?"

"I'll let you know if I need you."

He nodded and headed toward the door.

"Hey, Fin?"

He turned, bumping one fist against the other hand.

"Thank you. For taking over, for giving me more than you probably should be…"

He nodded, "I know you'd do the same. Let's not get either of us in trouble, alright?"

She nodded.

He slipped from her office.

Liv flipped the folder open and started reading.

"To whoever finds me,

First, I need to state that this is entirely of my own doing. I don't want anyone to be falsely accused or anything of the sort. There was no party and I wasn't forcibly drugged. I did this. I did all of this.

My wife is dead. I told people she'd gone to Florida on a business trip, but really, I don't know where she is by now. I weighed her down and dropped her in the Hudson. I don't know if she'll float up eventually or what, but she's wearing a white sundress and a black blazer, her hair was blonde and she had the brightest blue eyes.

Lauren was the love of my life, my high school sweetheart. Our lives were wonderful. We moved to the city to go to TSU together and just never left. We graduated and got jobs and then got married and started trying to build our family. We struggled a lot and eventually we decided to try fertilization treatments and then eventually IVF. It was my fault things were hard, but Lauren never cared. When the IVF worked, we were ecstatic. When Aspen was born we were over the moon, but when her hair started to grow in brown and her eyes were green, I grew paranoid and suspicious. Lauren and I were both blonde and blue eyed, there haven't been green eyes in my family in many, many years and Lauren's parents both had blue eyes and I knew the probability was so low. I became certain that something had happened and she'd cheated or something had to have happened. I was so certain something had happened. I didn't really take the time to notice that she didn't really look like either of us at all. There were no signs of Lauren or I in her, physically.

I grew distant, I tried my best to push through it but I started drinking heavily and I was suspicious of every person in her life. I'm not proud of the man I became.

I got the DNA test back in late May. I'd sent all three to one of those ancestry places, I'd hoped it would help my suspicions be eased. If anything it made everything worse. I became so infuriated that we'd been duped, I became paranoid that Lauren knew or had done something. Even when she swore repeatedly that she knew nothing of the fact. I just didn't believe her. I couldn't. It didn't make sense.

COVID made things worse, I lost my job. We ended up losing the apartment just before the eviction stall went into place. I was so angry about the shitty little place we'd ended up. Embarrassed, angry. And seeing Aspen every day reminded me of how little she looked like me. It kept getting worse. I got a new job in January, bartending. Which really just didn't help the drinking at all.

May 26th we were both home for lunch and we weren't speaking. We hadn't been for weeks, in fact. She was getting ready to head back to work, she asked me if we'd be okay eventually, if I still loved her and I snapped. I had heard people describe seeing red but I never understood until then. I didn't even yell like I normally would. I grabbed her and I shook her as hard as I could, her head bounced off the counter, I heard a crack but I kept shaking her. She was crying and she whispered that she loved me and then she was limp in my arms. I hid her. I packed her in a trunk with some of her clothes and left her there until nightfall… that's when I took her to the river. I found rocks and I put them in her pockets and tied her skirt so I could fill it like a bag with more rocks and then I pushed her in. Then the trunk. The nanny, we hired her cheap because she's not here legally, right after I started working at the bar. She was with Aspen nearly 20 hours a day after that. I couldn't face the kid. I couldn't deal with anything. I had tricked Lauren into signing the custody papers, telling her they were an apartment application one night when she was mostly asleep. I signed them and sent them and Aspen to her biological mother. The mother she should've been with.

I'm sorry to that little girl, for everything I may have put her through. I know now that I should've just gotten over it that I could've just pretended it was all okay. I know I should've. I've been carrying this guilt. Carrying the fact that the love of my life is somewhere in that water alone and cold. I know what I did and this is the only option. I can't go to jail, jail isn't enough punishment.

I have to face God's judgment now.

Maxwell Paxyll"

Olivia was crying, she sat back.

The writing closer to the end of the note was messier and harder to read. It's clear the man was losing his grip on the pen he was using, probably on life.

There was a small knock on the door.

Liv looked up and wiped at her face under her glasses.

"Come in," she called, her voice cracked a bit and she cleared her throat.

Rafael was the last person she expected to saunter in, but there he was.

"Several people on the jury are running fevers," he announced, "they're worried about COVID so they distributed rapid tests to those of us who aren't running fevers, I'm negative, and-"

Liv was listening and trying to stop the tears but couldn't.

He noticed she was crying, he dropped the briefcase on the floor and rushed to her side, "what? What is it?"

She let out a heavy sigh and handed him the letter, "you didn't see this."

He took it and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her against him as he stood beside her and read.

She leaned against his stomach, letting him rub her back, letting him soothe and comfort her, because she knew they couldn't tell Aspen any of this. She thought the heartbreak of thinking they just left would be easier than knowing the truth of the matter. She knew the girl would be more traumatized.

Rafa's hand on her back slowed as he read further.

Liv let him continue and reached for her phone, texting Langan to say they needed to speed up the process, that Aspen could not be taken from them.

Rafa lowered the letter, "shit."

She nodded and looked up at him, taking in the tears on his cheeks, the very light stubble that had begun sprouting even though he'd gotten the beard shaved only twenty-four hours earlier, his mouth pressed into a line.

"That's…"

She nodded again, "it's a lot."

"The way the pen got…"

"Yeah."

"You should've waited for me," he whispered, "before reading it. You didn't need to be alone with this."

"I thought you were in court."

"I know," he leaned and pressed a kiss to her head, "I just…"

She looked up at him, he was still leaned down and there were mere centimeters between their faces.

"I worry about you," he whispered, "even though you're the strongest person I know."

"It's hard," she breathed back, "knowing this and knowing what she may have heard or seen. Knowing we shouldn't push her to tell us. Knowing that we can't tell her what happened to them because thinking they abandoned her will probably hurt less thank thinking she caused all of this."

"She didn't. It was the facility."

"I know. I understand that."

"She might not, though."

Liv nodded.

There was a tap on the door.

Rafa sprung away from Liv instinctively.

Fin peeked in, looking suspiciously between them, "hey, Cap. Rollins, Velasco, and me are headed to work stuff out with Carisi."

"I got phones," she nodded.

He gave her a look, a silent check in.

She gave a small nod and he was on his way.

"You should go be with the kids," she looked at Rafa.

"Why don't you text Lucy and see how they're doing? If they're pushing her to her limits I'll head home, but if they're still doing okay I'll stay with you for a bit. They'll have to get used to each other because there will definitely be days when we both get stuck at work longer than we want to be."

She nodded and sent Lucy a text.

He sat the letter down and played absentmindedly with Liv's hair as they waited for a phone to ring or a text to come.

Lucy replied quickly.

Lucy to Liv;

We're great! The kids are watching a movie. They're all half asleep except Noah who keeps checking on everyone.

Liv to Lucy;

Let me know if things get too crazy or you need help or anything of the sort, okay?

Lucy to Liv;

Of course. We're good so far! I'll keep you posted.

Liv looked at Rafa, "Lucy is doing okay."

"I figured she would be, they're all good kids. Aspen and Maddox are so quiet, Felix seems to go with the flow, and Noah is a calming presence when he wants to be. He's taking this big brother thing very seriously."

"I agree."

Rafa smirked, that Rafael Barba smirk, "your squad room is pretty empty."

"What?"

"All alone in this big office," there was a playful, teasing tone to his voice.

"Raf," she smacked him lightly with the back of her hand, rolling her eyes and smiling despite herself, "not an option right now."

"I was playing," he laughed, "I wanted to see that smile."

She shook her head, still smiling.

He turned her chair and leaned down, his forefinger resting under her chin and bringing her to look at him, "you have a beautiful smile, Olivia Benson."

"So do you, Mr. Barba."

He smiled, it was one of his crooked smiles and he wrinkled his nose playfully at her before moving to sit across from her, shifting his briefcase to the floor.

"On a more serious note," Liv began.

"I was serious."

"Raf," she laughed, "if you're here, we might as well get some work done. I have paperwork since I haven't been here. Do you want to use my laptop to sift through adolescent therapists?"

He nodded, "right. Yeah."

"Okay," she pulled the laptop from her bag and handed it across to him, "only for that. Please don't dig through anything."

He put a hand to his chest and feigned offense, "don't trust me?"

"I do. I just have to make sure I voice it so if you do happen to see something so can't get in trouble," she winked at him, "it would be all you."

It was clear that Rafael was trying to make her feel better following that letter, but they could both feel it weighing on them.

"What about the therapist you were seeing could he recommend? Or the one Noah saw?"

"The one Noah saw moved back home during COVID and never returned, the pandemic is the only reason he stopped seeing her, honestly."

"And your guy?"

"I could ask him… I should probably set up and appointment with him myself."

He looked at her for a long moment, trying not to be obvious that he was stuck on finding an answer.

"When did you last?" He landed on.

"It's been a few months," she admitted.

He took a deep, calming breath, "did…"

"I talked about you. Yes."

"I wasn't going to ask that."

She paused her digging through paperwork and looked up.

"I was going to ask if you'd considered going more the last few months."

She looked back down and sighed softly, "I should've."

Rafael was having a hard time not letting his emotions get the better of him. He had convinced himself that she would be seeing Lindstrom regularly and she wouldn't bottle things up without him to talk to. It was the only way he could bring himself comfort in their lack of communication. He couldn't even describe the emotion he was feeling because it wasn't anger or hurt, it was closer to sadness and almost despair. He was imagining her in recent months, holding everything inside to support Stabler in the loss of his wife, to take care of Noah, to take care of everyone, and it was breaking his heart. Deep down he knew it wasn't his fault, he knew it wasn't really hers either, but he was blaming himself. He was blaming himself for her not having anyone to talk to even though he knew it wasn't the case and the squad was here and Stabler probably, maybe, listened.

"Raf?"

He looked up.

"Where'd you go?" She asked gently.

It was then that he became aware that he'd started crying, clearly not keeping hold on his emotions like he thought he was.

"Nowhere," he smiled weakly in her direction, not meeting her gaze, and opened the laptop.

She was silent for a moment and then two before, "Rafa?"

He hummed in acknowledgment.

"You know you can talk to me?"

He nodded, "it's stupid. What's your password?"

She reached for the computer, "I don't think anything that happens in that beautiful mind of yours is stupid, Rafael."

He handed her the laptop and sighed.

Putting her password in, "I'm going to say what you said to me yesterday afternoon. I'm not going to push you, but I'm here to listen if or when you want to talk."

He had a distant look in his eyes as he nodded and continued to not meet her gaze.

Olivia was worried, she messed her password up twice in the process of trying to put it in as she felt like he was starting to slip into some sort of shut down she'd never seen from him. She had seen Rafa in many states; happy, celebratory, red faced drunk, mad, betrayed, hurt, sad, even broken right before his trial, and melancholy. She had never seen him disappear into himself like he just had and it almost scared her. She was just staring over the laptop at him, waiting for some version of her Rafa to return because at the moment he looked almost like a shell.

He held a hand out when he heard that the typing had stopped.

She got up instead and walked around the desk, she pulled the chair he was in back away from her desk and then moved around it to kneel before him.

"What're you doing?" He looked in her direction but not at her.

She took his hands in hers and lowered herself a bit to get into his field of vision.

His eyes focused on her.

"You're worrying me, Rafael."

"I'm okay."

"Please don't lie to me."

He sighed.

"Rafa," she whispered, "what's going on?"

"What happened to not pushing?"

"I'm not pushing for what you're thinking about. I'm pushing for what's happening. You're scaring me."

"Scaring?"

"You've never disappeared like this before," she clung to his hands, trying to give him a grounding point, "not in front of me anyway."

He didn't know there was a visible reaction to it when he folded in on himself, he'd always thought he was good at hiding it… though he supposed it only really ever happened in private and started getting more frequent following his trial.

"You're doing it again. Your eyes unfocus and you just disappear. It's like you're retreating inside. Come back, Raf."

He wrapped his hands around hers and tightened his grip a little and breathed, "keep talking."

"What should I say?"

"Anything."

"I can list everything I love about you."

He snorted slightly.

"You're doubting me?"

His eyes didn't refocus as he looked at her, still distant and lost, his voice still hollow, "never."

She pulled one of his hands and rested it on her chest, right above her heart.

He could feel her heart pounding in her chest and the way she was trembling slightly beneath the touch.

"Come back, Raf. I don't know where you're going but I need you here. I need you to be here. I've realized more and more this last week that I don't know how I was doing this without you before. I realized just how wrong I've been these last few months, closing you out. I need you, Rafa. I need your laugh and your smile and that damn cocky smirk. I need your little nods and looks that are just for me in a crowded room. I need your insight and your eloquence and your strength. You talk about how I colored your world but I never talk about the way you pulled piece after piece from walls I'd built. I never talk about the fact that you're the first person that I never felt like abandoned me. Even when I shut you out… I knew… I knew if I called you would show up. I knew if I needed you that you'd be there."

His grip on her one hand tightened a bit and his head fell forward as a sob ripped through him.

She moved forward immediately and wrapped her arms around him.

He collapsed against her, sobbing against her

"You've been so strong for so long," she whispered, "you've been a rock this week and for months and, Hell, for years."

Another sob raked through him as he moved to cling to her.

"You're okay," she whispered.

He didn't realize how thin of a thread he'd been hanging by and letting those thoughts in of Liv not having anyone to hear her had snapped that thread. He'd spent months trying to figure out where things had gone wrong. Why things had gone so wrong. How things could've gone so wrong.

She kept talking. It devolved from listing things about him to just rambling as he sobbed into her.

He didn't know how long it took for him to finally calm down and feel in control again but it was longer than he'd like to admit.

She didn't let go as he fell quiet again, she just clung to him, her head resting on his head.

There was a noise outside her office door and he felt her shift a bit.

She saw Elliot approaching and heard the first tap but shook her head once.

Elliot had nodded and held his phone up to ask her to call before he'd backed away.

"Sorry," he mumbled against her.

She shook her head more this time, "stop. You don't owe me an apology."

He took a deep breath, letting her scent fill his nose and he tilted his head, pressing a soft kiss to the bottom of her jaw.

"That was scary," she whispered as she released him and kneeled in front of him again, she rested her forearms on his lap and looked up at him.

"I…" He took a deep breath.

She saw that his eyes were swollen and red, but focused again and let out a soft, relieved sigh.

"I didn't realize there was… a, uh, visible reaction? When that happened."

"Was it a panic attack?"

"I guess," he shrugged a bit, sounding exhausted, "similar anyway. Similar. I had a lot of little moments like that when I was a kid and then they were really uncommon for a long time. They started again, once a week or so, in the months leading up to the case that caused my trial, I figured it was just… how much stress I was feeling and then after my trial they were even worse. Usually two. I judged a good week on only having one."

"And then?"

"And then the Wheatley trial," he whispered, raggedly, "it rose to three or four a week."

Liv felt worse than times she'd been stabbed or shot or injured in anyway as he said that. She knew it was probably her fault.

"I'm okay," he breathed.

"You're okay," she nodded, "I'm so sorry, Raf."

"It's not your fault."

"Are you sure?"

He was quiet. He knew they were worse in her absence because after he'd left Forlini's that day, the most recent time they'd seen each other before last week, he had the worst one he'd ever had.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but was it something I said that triggered this?"

It was a few moments before he shook his head, "why don't we talk about this at home later? You're on the clock. Shouldn't be dealing with me on department time."

She looked at him sadly.

"I promise we'll talk later."

She took a move from Noah's book and held up her pinky.

He linked his with hers without hesitation and shook their hands.

Nodding, Liv stood back up.

"Is it okay if I stay, though?" He whispered, he didn't want to be away from her right now.

"Of course, my love. Why don't you go to the couch with the laptop and just research and rest some?"

He nodded and stood. He hesitated to move as he was so close to her, he wrapped her into a hug, one hand resting on the back of her head, gently guiding her into his shoulder as he simply clung to her once again.

She hugged him back tightly, allowing him to guide her, she pressed a careful kiss into his shoulder.

After a minute or two he released her and took a deep breath, he grabbed her laptop and his briefcase and went to the couches. He looked at her before loosening his tie and kicking his shoes off and made himself comfortable on the couch with her computer balanced on his knee.

She straightened herself up and dusted her pants off and went to sit back in her chair to continue paperwork.