AN;
this chapter comes with trigger warnings for guns, suicide, and a reminder that this is an SVU fic and we all know what they investigate. please mind your mental health and take care of yourself.
thanks for being here. x.
The next few days turned out to be relatively uneventful.
Elliot caught a time sensitive case and had to cancel their drinks.
Rafael's mother had to reschedule their dinner for Friday because she was quarantined following a COVID surge in her building.
So Liv and Rafa had just enjoyed time home with the kids on those nights and had a weekend of getting to know them and playing court which was their current favorite thing to do. They liked to switch up roles but the adults were almost always the bad guys for stealing cookies or staying up past bedtime or other various "crimes."
The good news was, Langan had gotten back to them on Friday with permanent custody for Aspen and the twins. Family Court had decided that, due to the circumstances, the State couldn't argue the children being properly returned to their biological parents. They were all getting new birth certificates with Rafael and Olivia listed as their parents.
It was Monday again and things were all set to be in full swing at the office and Rafael's case was back in court since everyone had tested negative.
Rafa's anxieties had turned out unfounded last week and he'd taken the weekend to process and reorient himself. He was finally finding his footing amongst all the big changes that had been happening. He was finding a groove of spending time at work, coming home and having dinner and spending time with the kids, then working on case notes once they were tucked in, and finally spending some time with Liv before bed. He was happy with this new routine, he loved it.
July 18, 2022 - 6:55am
"Good morning," Rafa whispered as he rolled over after shutting off his alarm.
Liv groaned and curled into his side, "I hate Monday."
He chuckled softly, "me too."
It was just before seven and she was due at the office at nine and Rafa in court at nine-thirty.
"It was such a good weekend," she grumbled, "I still can't believe you were found guilty of bedtime fraud."
"It's not my fault I stole an extra two hours of being awake from those children. They had to be in bed at nine," he laughed.
"During summer vacation," she said, exasperated.
He rolled his eyes playfully and pressed a soft kiss to her lips.
She happily kissed him back, brushing her fingers into his hair.
Pulling back just enough to whisper against her lips, Rafa said, "if you're not careful you're going to make us both late."
She smiled and kissed him again, enjoying the warmth of the sun coming through the large windows and his mouth on hers.
At seven, they both finally got out of bed and took turns showering.
This was part of their new routine, waking up five minutes early to steal a few minutes together before their days had to begin.
"You'll be home at five?" Olivia asked as she was digging through the still half in boxes closet for the shirt she wanted.
"Yes. Will you?" He was fixing his hair through the open archway in the bathroom.
"Well, you know I'm careful not to jinx myself and hope to be," she laughed.
He was certain she would hear him roll his eyes as he turned toward her, he finished his hair and turned, tilting his head as he looked her direction.
She was wearing black slacks and a black bra, bent over as she dug through a box, "I can feel you staring at me."
Leaning against the doorjamb, Rafa smirked, "I do have one hell of a view right now."
She paused, they spoke like this often but still hadn't taken that next step. She considered for a moment before deciding against what she was going to do, knowing she couldn't risk making him late to court.
"What are you looking for?" He brushed over the comment he'd just made.
"My black blouse with the silver buttons and the," Liv stood and turned, gesturing as she looked for the words to describe it.
Rafa froze, the way he did anytime he caught a glimpse of more skin than she normally showed. He respected her to the ends of the Earth, but he stared for longer than he meant to every time. Usually because he caught a scar from a time he knew she'd rather not revisit, a time when he'd let her down. Then, replacing the guilt was always the excitement. The excitement that she trusted him enough to let him see her this way. The excitement over just how damn beautiful she was.
"Ground control to Barba," she snapped in his face, a smile etched on hers.
"Sorry," he shook his head, "you're just beautiful."
"Quiet, you," she said with a shake of her head, "my shirt."
"Right the black one with the silver buttons and the," he made a gesture that was vague but similar to hers.
"You're still staring at me," she said.
"I'm sorry," he tore gaze from her, pink appearing at his ears as he started helping her look.
He would never get used to it, he was certain. Being able to see her everyday again, being able to hug her, to kiss her, to touch her. All of it reminded him how lucky he was on a daily basis.
"This one?" He held up a black shirt with silver buttons.
"Yes!" She looked at him excitedly and took it, pulling it on.
He watched as she did, admiring her beauty once again. He stepped forward and fixed her hair for her as she slid her shoes on.
"Thank you," she smiled.
"For?"
"The compliments, finding my shirt, fixing my hair," she listed, "being you. Looking so damn good in a suit."
He laughed, "my pleasure, darling."
Once she was dressed fully, she grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket and kissed him again.
He happily obliged.
After they'd regained their composure they made their way to the kitchen where Lucy was making breakfast for four sleepy children sitting around the dining table.
"Momma, Lucy said we can't have chocolate syrup on our waffles," Noah complained.
"You shouldn't have that much sugar first thing in the morning," Liv smiled at him.
"You let me on my birthday though," he groaned.
"That was a special birthday treat," she reminded him, "and when it's Aspen's birthday on Sunday, maybe we can have a special birthday treat?"
Aspen looked up at the sound of her name, "birthday treat?"
"Of course," Rafael chimed in, "we'll have a special breakfast and cake and ice cream with the whole crew. Lucy, you're coming, right?"
"Sunday? Of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world!" She said, placing a waffle on a plate.
"Are we going to have a birthday party too?" Maddox asked, quiet excitement in his tone.
"Of course," Liv smiled at him, she was proud of how comfortable he was getting.
"And we'll have a special breakfast then, too, my little defense lawyer," Rafa grinned at the boy.
"For both of us?" Felix pressed.
"Of course," Rafa smiled.
"Rafa and I have to get going, my loves," Olivia brushed her fingers through Noah's curly hair.
The kids all stood and each of them got a hug and a kiss on the top of the head from both Rafa and Liv.
Noah and Felix each grabbed one of their coffees from Lucy and handed them to the respective adult they belonged to.
Liv with her purse over her arm and her coffee in hand turned, "thank you, Lucy! Call if you need me!"
Rafael opened the door and picked his briefcase up, "my phone is on vibrate if you need me."
Then the two of them headed out the door.
On the sidewalk outside the building they turned to one another.
"You ready?" Liv asked him.
He took a deep breath and nodded, "I think so. There's nothing else I can do to prepare."
"You doing okay?" She asked referring to last week's panic.
He smiled, "I'm okay, darling. I'll see you tonight unless we adjourn early."
"Okay. Remember, don't be too cocky but be confident."
"I remember."
She nodded and smiled, "okay. I love you."
He kissed her one last time and whispered, "I love you, Liv."
And they headed opposite directions, Rafa toward the subway and Liv toward where her car was parked.
10:30am
At the precinct following Carisi handing out tasks for the day, Velasco and Rollins had left to talk to some former friends of the Delgados and Fin was on phones while he went over other leads for former friends of both couples.
Mondays were usually reasonably quiet, but they knew better than to get too comfortable.
Liv was catching up on paperwork when she heard the phone start ringing in the squad room through her open office door.
"Liv," Fin came to her door.
She looked up.
"There's a woman on the roof of a building uptown and that precinct is requesting our presence."
"You and I specifically or SVU?"
"SVU. Rollins and Velasco are in Brooklyn."
"Let's go," she grabbed her phone, badge, and her jacket and they rushed from the building.
They arrived on the scene and were brought up to speed.
The young woman, Maegan, was saying she'd been raped by her boss. She was prepared to jump but the police and NYFD were also there ready to do whatever they could to stop her, or catch her if it came to it. And of course, there was the media.
"Captain Benson," an officer rushed up to her, "my chief told me to request you. I'm Officer Bush. He said if anyone can help her, it's you."
Liv looked at Fin and told him to stay down here, she'd radio if she needed him before she headed up.
The sirens filling the air were all blending together into one tone in the howling, hot, July winds on the roof of the building. There were a few officers standing by the door but none of them were approaching the woman when Liv stepped through.
"Stay back," she yelled, her auburn hair whipping in the wind as she stood on the ledge.
"Maegan," Liv said as she took only a few steps forward so she didn't have to scream, "I'm Olivia, I'm here to help you."
"You can't help me and even if you could, I don't want your help!" Maegan yelled as she pulled at her baggy sweatshirt to readjust it.
"Why don't you tell me what happened?" Liv asked gently, taking another small step forward.
"Fuck! I don't want to talk about it," the woman, she couldn't have been more than twenty-one, fussed with her hair anxiously.
"That's okay, you don't have to," Liv said, "why don't you tell me about your parents?"
"No," the redhead turned, moving to face away from the roof, "I don't want to talk, my mind's made up."
"Please," Olivia moved forward a bit more, "wait-"
Before anyone on the roof could register what was happening the girl whipped back around and there was a glint of black metal and the sound of gunfire followed by yells and screaming.
There was ringing in her ears and Olivia didn't have time to react as she hit the ground, her vision dotted with white as excruciating pain spread through her.
"Captain," one of the officers on the roof yelled, "hold on!"
"Fin," she managed to rasp out.
There was more yelling and she could hear people moving but the white in her vision was beginning to engulf her vision.
Her Sergeant appeared above her after another minute or so, she could feel him pressing on her as the edges of unconsciousness started.
"Hold on Liv," Fin pleaded.
"Rafa," she breathed out, "before media. Love him, kids."
"Hold on!"
And then she fell unconscious.
11:00am
Rafael was sitting at the defense table, his notes were placed so specifically that the defendant in a multimillion dollar fraud case against the city sitting beside him had commented asking if he had OCD.
They had just finished opening statements and the prosecutor was questioning his first witness.
"So, Miss Kline," he checked his notes and turned back, "you're a nanny?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell us who you're the nanny for?"
Rafa's phone vibrated in his pocket and the judge looked directly at him. He had set specific vibration patterns for Olivia, Lucy, and Noah's phones over the weekend to ensure that if any of the three of them called while he was in court, he would know, so when he didn't recognize the vibration he muted it, not wanting a contempt charge first thing.
It started to vibrate again and he quickly muted it a second time, though the concern was growing in him, he kept his focus on the ADA conducting questioning.
One of the side doors opened five minutes later and someone whisper to the bailiff and then handed over a piece of paper.
The judge turned as she saw the bailiff approaching and leaned to listen to him, taking the paper.
Rafael felt panic rising in his chest as he saw this, immediately convinced that it had something to do with the back to back phone calls he'd received.
Those fears were recognized as the judge read the note she'd been handed and her eyes landed on him, "excuse me, Mr Matthews. I'm sorry, I'm ordering a continuance until further notice. Court is adjourned."
The slam of the gavel echoed in Rafael's ears.
"What's happening?" His client, George Jeffries, asked.
"Not sure," Rafael replied as he stood.
"Mr Barba," the judge came over to him which was highly unusual.
The bailiff removed his client.
"Yes?" Barba couldn't hide his concerned confusion.
"You should've taken that call," her mouth was pressed into a thin line as she took a deep breath through her nose, "you have to get to Manhattan. There's been an incident."
"What? What happened?" Rafa's panic was making it hard to breathe.
"I don't know. The call we received just said, 'Rafael Barba. He's in court. Family emergency. Get to Manhattan.' My people don't ask questions, I'm sorry," she held out the note which said exactly what she'd just recited.
Rafael shook his head, "it's alright. I, thank you, I'm so sorry."
"Go," the judge shooed him.
He packed his things up as quickly as he could and jogged toward the door, grabbing his phone as he ran from the courthouse.
Two missed calls from Fin Tutuola.
His heart sank as he hit to call back, desperately trying to hail a cab.
A cab pulled up as the phone was ringing.
"Mercy Hospital," Fin skipped greeting.
"Mercy," Rafael told the cabbie, "as fast as you possibly can."
"Cab number?" Fin asked.
Rafael filled him in.
Fin's voice was muffled as if his phone was pressed to his chest but Rafa could still hear what was being said, "get me a police escort on this cab. I didn't think to have a squad car ready."
"Fin, what's happening?" Rafa demanded as the phone sounded like it was moving.
"Do you want to hear over the phone?"
"I need to know what the Hell is going on."
"There was a shootin' up in Manhattan earlier," the cabbie informed him.
"Tell that motherfucker to shut his mouth," Fin snapped.
"Fin."
The sergeant took a deep breath, "hang on."
Rafael could hear sirens of multiple police cars, one in pulling out in front of the cab and one behind.
"What the Hell?" His driver looked around.
"I told you we needed to get there as fast as possible," Rafael snapped.
"Barba," Fin's voice came through the phone again.
"Yeah?" His heart was pounding, he already knew based on Fin's reaction to the cab driver's comment.
"Liv was shot. She's in surgery."
Hearing it out loud was worse than he thought, even if he knew it was coming. It felt like everything around him stopped. It felt like he left his body. Everything went quiet, the deafening sirens, the horns blaring in traffic around them, everything went silent.
"Barba?" Fin's voice sounded far away, "Rafael!"
"What?"
"We're tracking your cab. You should be here in ten minutes."
"What the Hell happened?!" Elliot Stabler's voice echoed through wherever Fin was standing.
Rafael's vision went blurry with fear and anger as he heard Stabler. That man had no right to be there before him.
"Barba?" Fin said again.
"Why's he there?"
"I'll take care of it. Rollins and Carisi will meet you out front, stick with them, okay?" And he was gone.
Rafael didn't hesitate to call Carisi, he didn't pause. He didn't skip a beat. He knew if he was alone in this cab without a connection to someone there, he was going to slip into one of his panic episodes and he couldn't do that.
"Rafael," Carisi answered, "Amanda and I are watching your cab. You guys are flying."
Rafa didn't speak.
Carisi seemed to recognize the silence, he seemed to know what Rafael needed without ever experiencing it and kept talking, filling the silence with Carisi ramblings.
Rafael was listening, he was hearing everything and was holding onto Carisi's voice despite the fact that he didn't absorb a word that was said.
"Three minutes," Amanda informed from a distance.
"You're almost here," Carisi said, "you doing alright?"
"No," he rasped.
"You're almost here. Just a bit longer, all right?"
He nodded even though the ADA couldn't see him.
Carisi kept talking about whatever came to his mind anything to fill the silence so Rafael didn't have to sit there in quiet and have the fear building. He'd done this before, just talked to people so they wouldn't be alone, so they wouldn't sink into whatever bad scenarios their brains would feed them if they were left in silence. Sometimes just having a voice to hold onto could keep people from slipping into darkness, Carisi knew that.
"He should be right down the street," Amanda said.
There was the sound of a chair squeaking as it moved and footsteps behind Carisi's continued chatter.
The cab wasn't moving anymore but he wasn't near any doors of the hospital. He could see the hospital in the distance but the traffic was so bad that they couldn't even move to let the squad cars through.
Rafael threw cash, he didn't know how much, certainly more than enough at the driver and dove from the vehicle with his briefcase.
"Sir!" The cabbie yelled, "wait!"
Rafael started running, he didn't even shut the back door of the can. He was running, briefcase in hand as fast as he could.
Five blocks, he ran five blocks and slammed hard into Carisi as the ADA walked out onto the sidewalk not paying attention as he scanned the cars for any sign of the cab.
Both men toppled over, Barba landing on top of Carisi as his briefcase flew from his hand.
Carisi groaned beneath him, "damn, Barba. You didn't tell me you played football."
Amanda, who's eyes were rimmed with red, looked like she was trying not to laugh as she picked up the briefcase.
Rafael didn't make any moves to get up as he tried to catch his breath. His forehead just rested on Carisi's shoulder.
"Rafael?" Carisi asked, shifting, "you want to get up?"
Rafael shook his head as the first sob raked through him.
Carisi didn't hesitate to start hugging the man who'd been his mentor, despite the awkward position of being beneath him on the sidewalk. He didn't question it, he just hugged him.
Amanda looked on, hugging Barba's briefcase to her chest. She could tell Carisi was hurting and his suit was torn a bit from how hard they'd hit the sidewalk, but she wasn't going to push Barba to get up right this second either.
People were moving around them to enter the hospital, none of them asked questions or pointed. This was clearly something emotional and awful and at a hospital, you know better than to comment.
Footsteps did approach eventually, none of them knew how long it had been but Rafael was tugged up off of the ADA and into a different set of arms that hugged him tightly.
He could smell blood immediately and he wanted to push whoever it was away instinctively but he was too tired, too confused, and too hurt to try to fight.
Amanda helped Sonny off the sidewalk and made sure he was okay.
Carisi assured her that he was just a bit sore and he was sure he'd feel it more later.
"I'm sorry," the voice of the person holding him said, "I shoulda protected her better."
Rafael pulled back and looked at the man who'd been holding him, Odafin Tutuola. He reached up and rubbed at his face, wiping away tears.
"She's still in surgery," Fin updated.
Rafa nodded and stepped back.
Fin was covered in dried blood, down the front of his white, checkered shirt and pants, and up his sleeves. His hands were clean.
"Is that-"
The Sergeant pressed his mouth into a thin line, "yeah."
Another sob ripped through Rafael.
Carisi came from behind him, "she's gonna be okay, Rafael. She's a fighter."
Rafael snapped, "don't spew that bullshit at me, Dominick. You don't know," he hit Carisi's chest once with some force, then a second time with less force, and then collapsed against the man again.
Carisi took both hits in stride and wrapped his arms around the shorter man again.
"Stabler is still here," Fin began.
Rafael's fists clenched.
"He's giving blood for her. They're the same type and the hospital was low."
Rafael didn't even know her blood type. He never even considered asking, another sob tore through him.
"We were waiting for you to get here…" Amanda spoke to him finally, "before deciding whether or not to call Lucy."
The defense lawyer froze in the ADA's grasp. That one statement got through to him unlike anything else anyone had said since the judge sent him on his way. He was here because he's Liv's partner, he had decisions to make. He had children to think of. Four of them. Noah and Aspen and Maddox and Felix. All four of them needed him and all four of them needed their mother. He took a deep breath.
Carisi's grip on Barba a bit, testing to see if the man had regained enough coherency to hold himself up again.
Rafa stood, "I'll… call."
Amanda nodded, "we're not leavin' your side, Barba. We're gonna go in when you do and stay here with you. Sonny and me are with you. Fin, you should go home and change."
Fin shook his head, "I'm not going anywhere except to ask if they got an extra scrub shirt somewhere I can use," and the man turned to go do just that.
Rafael looked for his phone before realizing he'd left it in the cab in his hurry to get out and he felt a wave of nausea pass through him before dropping to sit on the ground and put his head between his knees.
Carisi lowered with him and Amanda moved to his other side.
The three of them sat there in silence for a few minutes.
"My phone's gone," he said finally, "left it in that cab."
"Traffic has barely moved," Carisi looked up, "it's been twenty minutes but maybe they're still there."
Amanda handed a tablet to Sonny wordlessly.
Carisi looked at it and then stood and took off running, his long legs carrying him quickly.
Rollins leaned closer to Barba, resting her head on his shoulder. She still didn't say anything. The silence was new for her, she didn't usually cope using silence, she made jokes or she would pace. This time she was scared and she was tired. She and Liv didn't always see eye to eye but Liv was her mentor in New York, one of her closest friends, and the strongest person she knew.
"Why're you out here?" A familiar voice inquired, sitting down next to Barba where Carisi had been.
"Not now, Stabler," Amanda spat.
Elliot held one hand up in surrender and kept drinking from a juice box, "they'll only give updates to you or Fin," he said to Barba.
"Juice?" Barba asked lamely.
Elliot held up an arm to show the gauze held on with tape, "blood."
Rafael nodded slowly, "thank you."
"I'm saying this in the least rude and offensive way I can possibly say this, I didn't do it for you."
"I know," Barba's voice sounded hollow, "doesn't mean I don't appreciate it."
Elliot nodded and pulled a snack bag of cookies and a small thing of saltine crackers from his jacket pocket and held the saltines out to Barba.
Rafael looked at him.
"Your stomach must be in absolute Hell right now. Eat them, it'll help."
"I'm not really hungry."
"You won't be. You gotta put something in, though, and you don't want it to be anything big or flavorful. You want the crackers because they'll soak up the acid so you'll be less likely to puke but if you do puke, it won't be as bad."
Rafael took the crackers and opened the package and slowly ate one.
Amanda's head remained on Barba's shoulder and she was listening to the two men that not even two weeks ago had been arguing in Liv's apartment doorway. She knew Stabler was hurting too, but she recognized that he was offering his support to Barba because Liv would want him to. She also recognized that he was giving Barba tips based on how he'd been when his wife was in the hospital.
Quick footsteps approached as Carisi returned, Rafael's cell phone in hand, "he's waiting for a new fare down the street. He also made me take your money back, said he didn't feel right keeping it when something was very clearly wrong."
Rafael looked up, "won't that get him in trouble?"
"Probably but I wasn't fighting with him," the phone was held toward Barba.
He reached up and took his phone and didn't move away to call, just started dialing.
Carisi sat on Amanda's other side and wrapped an arm around her.
Elliot sat quietly, eating cookies as he watched the traffic around them. He intended to stay as long as he could, as long as this lot would allow.
"Hello, Mr Barba?" Lucy answered.
"Lucy, could you step away from the kids for a minute?" Rafael asked.
"They're all napping right now. Is everything okay?"
"There was an incident and Liv is in the hospital, in surgery."
Lucy was quiet for a long minute and he began to worry that the call had dropped.
"Is she gonna be okay?"
"I don't know," Rafa admitted, "I don't think we should tell the kids yet, they've all been through enough, but I wanted to update you."
"I can stay as long as you need me to."
"I really appreciate that," he said.
"Tell her that I'll bring the girls over later for a sleepover with all of them so she can have the night off," Amanda whispered.
Carisi looked at her.
"You're gonna stay with Barba, I'll help with the kids," she said to the former detective.
Sonny gave a small nod.
Barba passed along the message.
"Okay. Please keep me updated?"
"Of course. Thank you, Lucy. For everything."
"It's no problem, Mr Barba."
"Rafael, please."
"It's not a problem, Rafael."
The call ended and he slid his phone into his pocket and ate another cracker.
"You should go in," Elliot said, there was a gentle tone behind his words that none of the three of them had heard.
Rafael looked at him.
"Sitting out here won't make it any less real. It sucks but you gotta go in and hear what's going on."
"Can someone tell me what happened first?"
"Yeah," Fin's voice came from behind, "I can tell you. First y'all gotta move over to that picnic table because, one, my old ass isn't sitting on the ground and two, the hospital staff say you're a fire hazard."
Elliot stood and offered Barba a hand.
Rafael took it and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet.
Their group moved to the picnic table that was clearly intended to be used for hospital staff on their breaks. They all sat.
Amanda was still carrying Barba's briefcase around, she'd decided that that was her job, anything she could do to lessen the burden he was feeling right now, she wanted to do.
Fin rubbed at his face and prepared to tell the story.