(Don't) Make a Scene
"Honestly now, I thought Bradley wouldn't know love if it smacked him in the face. Well, turns out it did." Envy paused, his voice carrying through the hall with ease, everyone hanging on his every word, a few watery eyes here and there, with him above them all. As it should be. "When it comes to being in love, you'd catch Lucille red-handed every time!" and Wrath red-cheeked, he hid behind his grin. He looked over the crowd for his siblings, expecting grins in turn, but they must have been shuffling about where he could not see, their distant seats empty.
"That's not to say the feeling isn't mutual. Why, he's so devoted, he left his own stag party early last night, if you can believe it! Simply could not wait to wake up and see his lovely bride, and show her off to you all." Envy remembered the night before, watching through his bleary eyes, Pride waking from his stupor long enough to check in at home, his shadow apparently finding their brother laid out, getting his beauty sleep. Lightweight. Wrath could have and should have been laid out with them instead, amid the sickly sweet smoke, but oh well.
"I still can't believe that this guy picked me, me, En-dymion, to get everything done!" Envy lied, "It's such an honour to be Best Man, here with you all, and I can't forget to thank our host, either. Don't worry, Philip, you'll get your chance in a bit!"
Major Armstrong nodded from his place in the centre of the room, his tiny whiskers twitching. Phil must've been feeling burned over the snub. Well, more fool him for thinking even a pup like Wrath would choose him over his brother.
"Everyone, please join me in this toast for Mr and Mrs Bradley! And as Fuhrer Armstrong once said: If things were different, they'd be different. Here we are, so let's enjoy it!" Envy raised his glass, and everyone in the Armstrong's function room followed suit, perfect.
"Oh and before I forget, I got a message from my brothers Slade and Glendon, who could not be here today. They say: Please bring us some cake, big brother!" Envy looked across to the cake, pure vanilla hiding the chocolate beneath, gulping before his mouth began watering. "How sweet. Shall we get started?"
Philip apparently took that as his cue to start (and never stop) talking, so loud Envy could not tell if it was meant to be a speech or just speaking. With the most untimely death of his father – a far less quotable Fuhrer Armstrong – young Philip had found himself the new head of the estate and all its finery. Several Armstrongs had been Fuhrer, and every one of the brood spoke as if it was assured. Not that Philip, or any other, would hold the position again. Wrath would leap over him soon enough. A couple of stints in the west were enough to shove him and the Armstrong boy together, and Wrath had lost two stars (and an eye, if anyone dared ask) and gained some stripes for his trouble.
Envy ignored his rambles all the same, pushing a strand of his current disguise's hair aside, ushering Wrath and his wife to stand and get to the actually most important part. While he shooed them upright and across the hall, Philip spoke of his family's hundred and forty-something years of being military leeches, useful to keep around, for hosting events in their house if nothing else. For how much longer, Envy could only wonder, if his wife didn't hurry up and pop out a son.
Speaking of which, there Mrs Armstrong stood at the far end of the room, directing some of the servants, tall as a young tree, with a waist that said nothing about having birthed a child and everything about being a wasp in her past life. Her little brat had shaken most of the cerise flowers from her hair, tiny petals littering the floor while she milled about between the tables, looking like an ankle biting haystack.
The girl hopped over Lucille's train as the couple crossed the floor to the wedding cake. Why she'd been allowed to escape her nanny was anyone's guess, but for the only brat here, at least she was keeping quiet, or otherwise inaudible beneath her father's endless booming.
Wrath's hand clasped over his wife's as they sliced, ignoring the Armstrongs's heirloom knife and using his sword, because cutting a cake took so much effort, unless he wanted to divide the table up, too.
Armstrong's brat stood nearby, the girl shaking her mop out of her face, the last few petals tumbling around her, enough to watch out of one sparkly blue eye. She was gawping like she'd never seen a sword before, never mind the one hanging over the fireplace.
Envy watched them lift the first slice together, Lucille laughing when the vanilla stuck to her nose as she took her bite. The cake should have all been his, all things considered. He thought of the weeks before, Wrath whining about chocolate being too rich for the whole cake, whining about things he had no clue about, whining like he would even be getting married without him.
You don't know anything about wedding traditions, baby brother. Don't you wanna get promoted? That's the way you do it. Yes, it has to be a Wednesday morning. Yes, you have to dance. Yes, it has to be chocolate.
(Well not really but)
When have I steered you wrong? I got you slapped, I got you hitched, trust me on this. Groom's cake, wedding cake, chocolate cake!
Not that he really had any say. Envy could allow the blue vanilla coating for the Groom's cake, though, matching his uniform.
Once everyone had collected a slice of wedding cake from the couple, Envy scooped up his own slice, noting the two spares for later (controlling the guest list had its perks). He opened his mouth, about to take an obscene and well deserved bite, before noticing the two out of place figures at a table, almost hidden behind a column.
There you are!
"Why aren't you in your seats?" Envy said once he reached them, a bit too harsh, not that anyone would hear under Philip's monologuing.
"It seemed a waste to let a table go unused." Pride said behind a glass of cider, his deep blue jacket lifted ever so slightly from his shoulders. How long before his adult clothes started sagging all over, Envy could only wonder.
"Lovely speech, Lieutenant Albright," Lust added, pretending to dab her eyes, nothing reaching her violet gloves. "I get so emotional at weddings."
"You would, old woman, but thanks."
"It's pronounced 'Penelope'today." His sister pressed into the cake with one finger, what would look like her rummaging for any trinkets, carving a smooth line through the sponge until the two halves fell apart. She wrapped both in separate linen sheets and tucked them into her purse.
"For darling Slade and Glendon, brother," she said. The new holes on her gloves went unseen against the chocolate stains. Strangely, Lust reached to do the same on Pride's slice.
"Huh, who's that one for?"
"Our Father, of course."
Shit.
"No, uh-, this one's for him." Envy hadn't forgotten about Father's piece, no way. He laid his own slice on the table,
"Perfect," and it was just as quickly swept up in cloth, joining the others. "Lucille and our brother make such a lovely couple, all thanks to you." Lust sighed, but with a prying sparkle in her eyes. "The honeymoon comes next, where are they off to, I wonder?"
"A best man never tells."
"A little brother might," Pride smirked.
"You didn't get it out of me last night, you've no chance today." The younger homunculus smirked right back, for once privy to something his dear siblings did not know, and might never know if Wrath didn't blab.
Where is Wrath going for his honeymoon?
You're using your real voice!
Do not - avoid the question. Tell me where. Where?
And then he'd passed out, or maybe they both did.
"You still reek of smoke, the both of you." Lust hissed, scowling, as if the mere mention of last night reminded , you'd think she had Gluttony's nose!
"No way. I smell of daisies," Envy huffed, stroking the orange flowers on his lapel, "or roses. Whichever people say these days."
"Poppies, more like" she scoffed.
"Stop living in the past, that was yesterday. And the stag party."
"Your 'stag' was not even there."
"Not my problem. Can't make a guy have fun."
While their sister sulked, Pride sliced a chunk free from the cake. The shadow under his wrist snapped flat against his gloves when his container's hand stabbed the sponge with the dessert fork.
"There are worse things," Pride purred in his older voice, smooth as melted chocolate, and held the piece out for her. "It is far better than tobacco smoke, surely?" Envy watched Lust huff and turn away, arms folded, for all of five seconds. Her lips parted, teeth scraped the metal with an ugly sound, if Envy had anything to say about it.
"Mmm, mayhaps," she mumbled, covering her mouth as she chewed, failing miserably to hide the smile in her eyes.
"The bouquet's gettin' thrown soon." Envy said, noticing Philip's voice had stopped, finally able to hear himself think again, and the gossiping of the unmarried ladies behind him.
Gonna get in my way? It went unsaid, but Lust smiled one of her sharp, teasing smirks all the same.
"You are quite welcome to it, brother dear. I have the only bouquet I need already, for today at least," she said, swilling the red wine in her glass. As she sipped, the light caught the coiled gold on her finger, two snakes with ruby dots for eyes, a line that could either have been their tongues or tails carved below each mouth.
"Oh no, I forgot my slice of cake!" Envy tittered, hitting himself in the face with the flowers while he gasped. The fawning hens all clucked at his delightful forgetfulness, digging their talons in, trailing him all the way to the wedding cake and back, until he dragged himself to Lust's table.
Pride was leaning close, her bitching about smoke all forgotten, whispering something about why Wednesday was not only the best day for weddings, but the best day of all. Though, he was stretching higher than he ought to for whispering, blue sleeves and white sleeves drooping dangerously close to his knuckles. Envy smirked behind his dumb doe smiles. Good. One less opponent later.
Pride trailed off once he spotted Envy and his entourage, giving him bland congratulations, Lust cooing after. Those two might have switched seats, but they had better get mingling. He thanked him with another quiet giggle, lingered for another moment, before hurrying off to 'powder his nose'.
Luckily, all the servants were still too busy to be buzzing around the foyer, or notice him shimmying again into a hidden panel beneath the enormous staircase, a smaller staircase within. It was far too simple to slip inside as Endymion and out as some pretty girl no one knew, or would ever know but for catching the bouquet. A second time would be even simpler.
Finally. Envy slid down the wall, sighing at the peace and quiet, before cramming the whole chocolate slice in his mouth with one hand. He let it melt on his tongue and half choke him. His silken golden curls spilled over his shoulders as he chewed, his sparks lighting up the cramped space, slipping into some new shape. No best man to be sure, but handsome enough, and hair the same, way better spun gold than anything the Armstrong bloodline could make.
As his red sparks faded, a deeper darkness settled around him, and Envy was happy to stay huddled up here for a few moments longer. A paler yellow glowed from high up at the top of the stair. No point wasting the good stuff on the servants, he supposed. Still, it was fancy enough to have a light switch at both ends, Envy thought, knocking the string away as it brushed his nose.
The meagre light reminded him of the night before, of darkness all around save a single candle, Pride's shadow shivering down every wall like wet paint, something he called basking, he let him know too many times. His child's head had been lolling off the edge of the bunk, buried under his oversized clothes. He puffed down wispy rings between sighs and yawns, the pipe almost as long as his body.
Seriously, I find the optimum stag-party-ending locale, and he just pisses off? What are we gonna do with him?
Mmm…One cannot spell optimum without opium.
Ha!
Envy had expected Pride to return after his shadow found Wrath at home – a second babe for Lust to take care of – but his casing's eyes stayed glazed and empty. It had mumbled in its sleep, smiling a faint, dumb smile, until it sputtered, snapped upright, and almost fell out of bed.
Eh?
…Our sister needs her sleep, too.
Pride had said from the ceiling, with a rumble and inward glare that said his return was anything but voluntary. Envy let out the cackle he'd swallowed down the night before at the memory. His sister's scorn, or brother's irritation from it, couldn't reach him here.
He gulped the last of the cake, blinking in the dim glow, the sweet smell of the bouquet filling the space. The shadow on the wall shivered. Oh.
"Psst, Pride, you here?" Envy whispered, nose buried in the flowers.
"Of course." His brother's too many eyes bubbled out of the wall opposite. "What delays you so? Your handmaidens have left, so it is safe to return."
"I don't know what you're talking about," he drawled. "That girl's long gone."
"Quite."
Envy watched his short sharp fingers brush at the petals, gentle enough to not tear any.
"Hold onto this for me, will ya? The garter's next." He lifted the bouquet, and Pride's thin arms and tiny hands scooped it up, raising it towards the mouth on the ceiling. "You aren't gonna eat it, right?"
"A wine's bouquet is the only kind I require." The teeth disappeared for good measure, voice still dripping out of his shadow. It folded over the flowers, hiding in the corner, his dark body going unnoticed. Good enough.
"Yeah, yeah, take some from Lust's glass then." Envy scoffed, spitting out chocolate crumbs as he stood up.
"Perhaps I will."
He must have been gone a little too long, Wrath already kneeling down before his pretty bride when Envy tiptoed back into the room. Despite the jeers, Wrath only reached out with his hands, under his new wife's oversized pearl skirts and petticoats. He wondered if his brother would use his Eye to cheat, not that it really mattered.
Use your teeth, coward! Envy thought, knocking back a flute of cider in one, taking a lump out of his newest (and last) piece of chocolate cake. Maybe he did those in the wrong order. Oh well.
Before he could turn and get a second flute, Wrath had already tugged the garter down and tossed it behind him in one swift motion, too quick for human eyes. The bright blue lace arced over the gathered crowd entirely, looping neatly over Envy's glass.
Good job, little bro.
Obviously, he could have caught it anyway.
"Congrats." Wrath said, and Envy nodded, beaming. He let the garter fall over his wrist, soaking up the applause a third time that afternoon. But something strange glittered in his little brother's uncovered eye. What was he up to? "As is traditional, perhaps you should dance with the young lady who caught the bouquet."
Oh fuck.
"Oh yes, that sounds lovely, darling." Lucille agreed, her silver wedding band shining in the candlelight. "Has anyone seen her?"
"I um - I'll go find her!" He offered without waiting for an answer, dashing out of the room and scampering off to the stairway a third time.
"Pride, gimme back the bouquet!" Envy hissed as loud as he dared.
"I feel like I am seeing more of you here than at the party." His brother's laughter sounded like cracking wood, like the house was collapsing. "Running away, little brother? What a shame. I would have liked to see your dancing," Pride tendrils rippled all along the walls, growing a wide, arcing mouth. "I can be in so many places at once, but dancing in two places as two people would have been most impressive. Wrath straying from your plans, I take it?"
"I'm handling it." Envy groaned, plonking down with his sparks again lighting up the stairs, one hand outstretched while his old-new colours bled along him, the garter wrapped double over his wrist. There, now the boy had gone the way of the girl, and Wrath couldn't make Endymion dance with anyone, except maybe the Matron of Honour.
"Mm. Say 'please'." The shadow unravelled like a thread, stretching down as if to lay the flowers in his palm,
"Fine. Ple-"
before snapping back to the ceiling. "Say 'please', and tell me where our brother is going for his honeymoon."
Fucking prick.
"For the last time, no! You don't even care."
"That is irrelevant, and you are in no position to refuse." Pride's teasing poured out as more awful laughing, his mouth parted wide and folding over the flowers, teeth gleaming in the weak light. "You need me."
"Not really," Envy watched Pride's eyes blink one by one, their gaze following his arm, curious, almost, while his dozens of little shadowy hands hugged the petals against himself, as if expecting him to stretch an ugly green claw up to him.
Envy's fingers found and closed around the long string at his side, but Pride did not move, did not try to slice through it, like he didn't know what it was.
"Hm?"
You need to get with the times, Big Brother.
He snatched at the string as quick and hard as he could, feeling and hearing it twang at the force, snapping up just like Pride's shadows. Real, complete darkness swallowed the tiny yellow light far above them.
"Not again…" That baffled widening of his too many eyes made it all worth it, more little hands scrambling under the bouquet as it fell, slipping right through their fading fingers, and landing right in Envy's lap.
Envy sat and smirked in the dark, sliding the garter up under his sleeve. He pushed his perfect inky hair back, licking the roof of his mouth, still full of chocolate. He could easily just leave, as if his searching led had him to the same someplace from which there was no return, but where was the fun in that? Endymion was real and perfect, and the best man above all. His slightly less perfect (but still way more perfect than a human!), absent pair could be explained away. They'd believe anything he said. Not to mention, a prop made everything more believable.
"My bouquet?" Lucille asked when he shoved open the doors, panting, nearly keeling over with the flowers in one hand and the doorframe clutched tight with the other. Maybe the cake was too rich. "Mr Albright, where could they have gone?"
The dozens of pairs of eyes – and one – fell on him as before, excited and desperate and waiting for he, Envy, to grace them with his words again.
"Um… they eloped?"
Nailed it.