I don't own these characters; Disney/ABC does.
Super special shout-out to Kael Duke in this chapter because we see Regina doing the job she was meant to, even though she hates it. Added to that, their suggestion made me realize this story did not need to be as AU as I wanted to make it. I can't express how much that helped me, even though this story kicked my ass.
2: Improved Health
Regina could not believe the nerve of that little urchin! She went out of her way and offered help, only to have that thrown back in her face as if she had done something wrong! How dare that brat have the nerve to get on a high horse! She was the one breaking into Regina's house and had an attitude over it! Regina should have slapped her.
Why didn't you slap her? She deserved all of that and more, but Regina had only made her dinner. She rewarded that miserable, little wretch. Perhaps even encouraged her. You fool!
And then the contemptible little rodent had the nerve to leave out of the door, like she was a welcomed guest. So, Regina still had no clue how the waif was getting in and out of her home. The spiteful little bitch! Regina had half-a-mind to call the police since the damned vagabond seemed so frightful of prison, but the fear stopped her.
Regina was all too familiar with that type of fear. Her mother terrorized her life to the point of giving her away to her former employer, also a manipulative, emotional terrorist. He styled himself an image consultant, a wish-granter. He called himself a "king maker," but he was a vile, miserable little man, who used her just as badly as her mother did in less time. They both drained her, tried to break her, and crunch her into some form that pleased them. She was not even thirty, but felt sixty thanks to them. She had never been so happy to be free than when Maleficent suggested they team up to start their cafe. She never wanted to inflict that type of terror on someone unless they deserved it. This kid did not deserve that.
Still, Regina was pissed and would love to get revenge some way, but she doubted she would ever see that kid again. And, that was a shame because she would have no problem feeding the obviously malnourished waif if she only let Regina. Instead, now Regina would have to bother Robin to figure out how that blasted child was getting in a supposedly secured area. At least she had video evidence this time.
"I really don't want to have to deal with him again, though," she muttered. He was certain she was being some sort of frightened, vapid female whenever she brought up the fact that she was certain someone was breaking into the house. It did not help when she insisted the burglar was stealing food. If she had to hear him talk about someone "stealing a sandwich" again, she would punch him in the face because, yes, this damned kid was stealing a sandwich!
Regina shook that off. She did not want to rile herself up before needing to speak with Robin. She took a deep breath and went to grab her phone. She paused at the kitchen entrance. Did she really want to get Robin involved in this? Her gut said no.
"This should be an easy answer," Regina said to herself. Unfortunately, it was an easy answer. She went back to bed, not bothering to call Robin. She just made sure her mace was in her hand.
-8-8-8-8-
Emma could not believe she had been stupid enough to get caught! Her heart beat so fast it hurt as she ran down the street, not really sure where she was headed. She could not remember where she parked the bug. She could barely figure out where she was. She was dizzy. The world seemed so small and large at the same time. Somehow, she was freezing and sweating like it was the middle of summer and she had on too many layers. Everything was crazy.
What if that woman called the cops? If she had video, Emma's face would be all over the news and the cops were familiar with her. She could definitely end up back in prison. She might have to leave town for a while… or forever. She was not mentally prepared to do that. She was not mentally prepared for any of this!
"So, maybe you shouldn't have cursed her out. I'm so fucked," Emma said aloud, as if the feeling needed actual words to carry the true weight of it. Her breath hung in front of her in the cold night, making it seem like the words hung in the air, heavy with heartache. I'm going crazy. Driving myself insane. She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands, making sure to hold onto the food she left the house with. It might be the last good meal she had in a while if her life went sideways yet again.
Who are you kidding? Your life has always been sideways. There was never a time when she did not feel like she was spiraling down a drain, being washed out to sea, and lost in a raging storm. This was just the most recent moment and one of the worst because she could go back to prison. Come on, I thought you learned your lesson.
Of course, she never learned a lesson. She made the same mistakes over and over again. One day, she would end up back in prison or dead. That was a sobering thought, enough to calm her down. She would not be dead tonight.
As soon as she remembered where the bug was, she would have to get to a less friendly part of town and hope for the best. Storybrooke liked to pretend it was a small town, but it was more like a small city. She should be able to lie low somewhere for a while. It'll be okay. It'll be okay. It'll be okay. The pain in her chest did not fade, though.
Once she managed to find her car, three blocks over by a house where she was almost certain the family was on vacation, she breathed a sigh of relief. She was not out of the woods yet, but at least she was somewhere safe and secure. Yeah, isn't that what you robbed her of? It was probably worse. Emma was very aware the bug was not safe nor secure. It was just better than the outside, better than a group home or halfway house, or better than a pushy friend who wanted more. Better than always being under threat and on guard. Better than having to sleep in her clothes, boots, and with a pocketknife in her hand.
"Oh." Emma's head jerked back as she hopped into the car, breath hanging in the air. She got it now. Thanks to her, that woman would always be on guard some place she was meant to relax, some place she was meant to be safe. You robbed her of that. Yeah, that was way more than fucking peanut butter. "Not cool. No wonder she's going to call the cops on you."
Maybe she deserved to have the police called. She definitely hurt someone this time around with her shenanigans. This was not shoplifting from a faceless chain store. This was going into people's homes. What made her think she had a right to do that? Well, you're a little screwed up and you don't think, which is how you get into most of the sideways things you get into.
Emma was not sure what to do with that information and just did not have the thought capacity to deal with right now. She drove, warmed up, and tried to think where she could go to heat up the food. She made me food. More information she did not know what to do with, but it sat thick in her throat and made her stomach twist.
She handled that poorly, but that was her life. Maybe one day she would learn, but today obviously was not that day. Gripping the cold steering wheel, she got out that stupid neighborhood and hopefully away from the worst of her current decisions.
She pulled into a mini-mart as soon as she got to the other side of the tracks, so to speak. She could use their microwave and buy something to drink. Surprisingly nothing went wrong with that plan. She did not even accidentally spill anything when she got back into the car and had her meal right there in the parking lot.
She popped open the top to the food and her stomach growled the second the aroma touched the air. It smelled like heaven. Her mouth watered as she used her teeth to open her spork. She took a moment to appreciate the meal, taking a deep inhale as the steam wafted from it. It smelled like shredded pork with rice, red beans, and broccoli. She dived in and hummed the moment the food hit her tongue. Everything exploded with flavor. Tears gathered in Emma's eyes.
"You idiot. You let your pride talk you out of some of the best food you've ever tasted," Emma mumbled. It took all of her self-control not to shove everything in her mouth like a cartoon. She had to savor this while she could.
Maybe if she went back and apologized, the lady would take pity on her. We're not doing that. No, because that would make her seem even more like a stray cat and she was far from that. She could take care of herself. She always had. But, man, this food is so damn good. Better than that peanut butter and she would never have either again. Life was so unfair.
-8-8-8-8-
Regina had a fitful sleep, making her unable to focus on her "meeting" with Maleficent. They had decisions to make on their cafe now that they had the property. This was no way to spend a weekend, but it was necessary. It was a good thing she had to go no further than her living room for the meeting, but her eyes burned and a headache tapped right between her eyes.
"Long night?" Maleficent asked with a laughing smirk as she settled on the couch. She popped open her black leather satchel, pulling out folders. The bag was the most professional thing about her outfit, as she came to the house to be comfortable as they hashed things out. A cream sweater and linen pants, stylish, but simple, adorned Maleficent.
"You ask as if you want to know," Regina replied, hands wrapped protectively around a mug of coffee. She was ready to drink it scolding hot, but valued her tongue too much to do that to it. Hopefully, breathing in the steam would be enough for a few minutes. Taking a subtle inhale, the fumes were not enough. In fact, the tapping in her skull became full-fledged knocking. She might have a migraine coming on.
"I'm hoping you found a better lay than milquetoast Robin Hood. Even his name is dull as dirt, which I suppose fits his woodsman persona." Maleficent had to sneer, as it seemed like a habit whenever she mentioned Robin.
Regina rolled her eyes. "He's fine." She resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose. It would not help her headache and Maleficent would notice. She did not want Maleficent fussing over her, which would also lead to more slander toward Robin and how he was not taking proper care of Regina.
"He's married."
"He's separated." The moment a suitable custody arrangement was agreed upon, he would be divorced. Their relationship was hardly a scandal. Of course, if it was, that would make it more enticing for her.
Maleficent curled her lip. "He's more humdrum than boiled potatoes and, honestly, I'm insulting boiled potatoes."
Regina sucked her teeth and sipped her coffee. It burned her tongue, but it was either drink the coffee or throw it at her best friend as a distraction. "I'm not doing this again. But, you reminded me that I have to call Robin." Her decision to not call him was probably why she had tossed and turned all night, worried over that girl coming back. That was the only thing that made sense. It was not like she was concerned for the rude, disrespectful urchin.
Maleficent made a face, as if Regina told her to drink spoiled milk. "Ew, why?"
"If you must know, it turns out I was right about the food thief."
"No way!" Maleficent could not help laughing. "No one breaks into a house to steal peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!" Maleficent thought Regina was out of her mind whenever she insisted food was missing from her cabinets or that the bread and peanut butter were going faster than usual.
"Not only do I have video evidence, I confronted the little street rat last night." Regina tilted her chin in victory. This would teach everyone — Robin and Maleficent specifically — to doubt her.
Maleficent frowned. "What do you mean 'confronted'? Regina, you did not approach someone who broke into your home." Maleficent stared at her for a long moment. "Of course you did. She could've hurt you. She could have been dangerous."
Regina scoffed. "She's a teenaged skeleton. I was fine."
"A teenage skeleton could still have a weapon. No matter what, you're not bulletproof, even if you act like it. I hope you were at least armed with more than your fierce attitude and glare."
Regina waved that off. She was not an idiot and Maleficent knew that. "Regardless, I confronted her and demanded to know how she keeps getting in and out of my home, even though Robin swears it's so secure."
Maleficent snorted. "Well, he's a useless moron. Did she say how?"
"No." Regina would never forget how smug that urchin looked as she walked out the door, as if that was how she got in and out.
"Did you call the police?"
Regina sighed. "Also no." She still felt like that was the right decision, but something had troubled her all last night. Maybe it was just the girl's attitude. She could not pinpoint the problem.
Maleficent frowned. "Why not?"
"She's stealing food, not valuables. She's hungry."
"Oh, my god." Maleficent's mouth dropped open and she pointed at Regina. "You offered the little heifer food."
Regina sucked her teeth. "She's hungry."
"So, that makes it okay to steal from you? I think not!"
"I agree it's not okay to steal from me or anyone else, but I also don't want someone in jail for being hungry."
Maleficent sighed. "I understand what you're saying, but she still broke into your home and took things, like your peace of mind. What, did you give her a stern talking to?" Maleficent gawked at her as soon as she finished the question. "Oh, my god, you gave her a stern talking to." She covered her face with her hands.
"She's a kid."
Maleficent scowled. "She's a thief."
Regina had to concede that. "Well, yes, but I just wanted to know how she was getting in and out of the house. Robin works in a damn security company. He swears by his work here, yet this scrawny punk kid comes and goes as she pleases. She might as well have a key!" It was infuriating in ways Regina could hardly describe and was not helped by Robin treating her as if she was insane for questioning his work.
"Which is why you should've called the police on her ass. You're going soft at a time I need you at you toughest. We're about to dance with the devil in the middle of Hell."
Regina sucked her teeth. "I'm more than ready for that fight." It was a fight she had been mentally preparing herself for over three years. I just can't do this job again. I can't go beyond this. She would lose both her mind and herself.
"Are you, though? You couldn't crush an urchin who broke into your home multiple times, but you're ready to step to Rumple's face to tell him not only are you not running for a second term, but going to start a restaurant in a property you didn't buy from him?"
"A cafe."
"Whatever." Maleficent scoffed.
"Anyway, I've been beyond prepared to tell Rumple where to go with his damn second term since I won the first one." She never wanted to be mayor of this damn town, but it was either that or let her mother pressure her into marrying one of the older, wealthy widowers that infected Storybrooke like some kind of virus. She chose the lesser of two evils… maybe. She would never be sure. Not that it mattered, both of them would be after her with this move.
Maleficent nodded. "Very good, even though it's a huge target on us."
Regina shrugged. "We knew that from the start, but this is his own fault. How hard would it have been to just sell us that perfect damn property in the first place so we could do this after I did his bullshit second term? He refused to give us that property, so now he had to suffer the consequences." Of course, he would have pushed her to do a third term if she had made a deal with him and then the next thing she knew she would have been running for governor or some nonsense she did not want to deal with.
Maleficent smiled. "Very true. Well, let's get back to planning this breakout adventure. Well, after you tell me what you plan to do about this thief because that's serious whether you act like it or not."
"I have footage of her, which I threatened to share with the police should she come back. She seemed properly scared then."
"You have clear footage of her?"
Regina nodded. "I set up a nanny cam by the cabinets to catch her in the act. You see her face perfectly fine."
"Oh, wow. No view of how she got in?"
"Unfortunately, no." And she had no idea where to point the camera in case that happened again.
"Damn shame. Well, do you feel safe?"
Regina nodded. "I never felt unsafe knowing she was breaking in. She never seemed intent on harming me. She just wanted food. I'm uneasy that she was able to come and go as she pleased, especially with Robin assuring me the place was as secure as possible."
Maleficent scoffed. "Well, he's an idiot and I know I've said this many times, but it bears repeating until you accept it as the truth it is. You need to have someone else double-check his work rather than give him another chance to half-ass your security. How the hell do we have some raggedy teenager breaking into the damn mayor's house?"
"And who would you suggest double-check his work?" Regina could not wait to hear these suggestions.
"His idiot friend, Will Scarlet. Dumber than Robin in some ways, but also way more competent than Robin in others. Or there's always Graham."
Regina laughed. "Graham? Do you honestly think he would help me? That man wouldn't spit on me if I were on fire."
"Maybe treat your exes a little better, especially when they're the town sheriff." Maleficent winked at her.
Regina rolled her eyes. She did not want to think about the mistake that was her brief fling with Graham. "How is this helpful? Do you know anyone I could use?" It was a good idea to have someone else go over the security since Robin was so certain everything was fine, but also so wrong.
Maleficent shook her head. "I'll look into it. We need someone to double check Robin's work."
"All right, now let's get back to our work. We're secured a location, so now how do we want to set up the space?"
"The Two Witches, a Cafe and a Bakery…" Maleficent said with a grin.
Regina covered her eyes with one hand. "We're not calling it that."
"Why not? That's how people refer to us in polite society. Might as well embrace it."
"Do we really want it to look like we're being edgy?"
"So, Two Witches, Some Potions, and a Brew is out?" Maleficent's eyes sparkled.
Regina snorted and went back to layout options. Maleficent followed suit. Eventually, they would have to settle on a name, though. She had to think of something clever to counter this "Two Witches" nonsense.
-8-8-8-8-
Regina stepped into town hall with not a hair out of place, nor a wrinkle in her pinstripe suit. Her briefcase was clutched in one hand while the other held a tumbler of coffee. She moved with power and precision. It would not be surprising if people dived to get out of her path as she made her way to her office. That was just how she liked it.
Being the mayor was never something Regina wanted and she was three years in and still did not understand how she got elected. She had few friends in this town, considering how much everyone hated her mother. And, she was sure they had cause. The crazy thing about it was that her mother and father moved to Storybrooke after her mother burned all of their bridges in her father's hometown. Regina had barely started college and followed them to Storybrooke because they had the college money. Not the best decision she ever made, but par for the course with her life. Now, with Daddy dead, she was stuck, with Mother and Zelena. No, don't think about that. Your day will be annoying already. You don't need those two on your mind to bring it down worse.
"Good morning, Regina," her assistant, Aurora, practically chirped. She was an insufferable morning person, but she got the job done and she did not bother Regina unless necessary. The perfect employee.
"Everything set up?" Regina asked, pausing at Aurora's desk.
"Should be. I'll try to hold your calls until you can at least look at everything for the day."
Regina nodded. Every day was the same. A stack of paperwork and a long list of outrageous requests. Hopefully, she would get to enjoy her coffee before the mayhem began.
She barely got a sip and her computer was not even warm yet when the familiar chime of an email alert came through. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she glanced to see what idiot needed her help already. The biggest idiot. Rumpelstiltskin Gold, owner of the town of Storybrooke in the sense he owned much of the property in town. How that happened, she doubted she wanted to know. He wanted to meet in an hour. She groaned and rolled her eyes. Aurora probably scheduled it already.
It was probably their usual type of meeting where he hounded her about permits and how he should be able to do what he wanted with his land and blah, blah, blah to avoid any and all town codes and laws. But, there was also the chance he knew she was on a countdown. Him knowing that she planned to leave would make her remaining time in office Hell. She could already hear him giggling as he tried to pressure her into favors. Over the past three years, she did not like the things she did for that man, rationalizing away her own morals all too often. No more.
Shaking that off, she checked her other email as she drank her coffee. She did not make it very far before she ran into a problem. Albert Spencer had gone way over budget yet again with the prosecutor's office and had the nerve to demand more funds. Who the hell does he think he is? He acted like he was some kind of king in town politics and he used to be her boss, very briefly, so he acted like he could push her around. Well, she would give him a piece of her mind and opinion on that. The reply was short and to the point. She was not surprised when he burst into her office. The courthouse was next door, after all.
"What's the meaning of this?" Albert had his laptop in his arms.
Regina arched an eyebrow. "I'm wondering that myself considering you didn't knock or make an appointment." She would not be shocked if he threw Aurora out of the way when she tried to stop him at the door, because she certainly tried to stop him and he was certainly enough of an ass to move her. How he got elected district attorney was more of a mystery to her than how she won the mayor's position. Democracy is stupid.
"You're not that important." He glared at her.
"Almost seventy percent of this town disagrees."
"They've been wrong before."
She nodded. "I have to assume so since you're standing before me."
"You're not as great as you think you are."
She shrugged. "Neither is your project."
"I'm working on this for Gold himself."
She nodded. What exactly could the district attorney be doing for Gold? And, again, this was why she needed to get out of this office. Corruption was rampant and she was part of it and she could feel it ripping at chunks of her, coating her insides with darkness. "Then he and I can discuss it when I meet with him in less than an hour."
George gulped. "Meeting?"
"Yes. I'm sure he'll want to review the numbers you've come up with, especially any that seem bloated in my opinion."
His nostrils flared. "Just because you have his ear doesn't make you right."
"Glaring at me doesn't make you right." She shrugged and waved him off. She turned her attention back to the computer and then made a show of going through the paper folders in front of her, done with him.
George took that hint and wisely left. Antagonizing her never got anybody anything they wanted, especially if it actually was not good for the town. One day, they might figure that out. Or, they'll throw a party to celebrate when you're gone. She did not mind either of those things.
While Regina had a moment, she texted Robin about her intruder problem. His response was disheartening. There's no problem. I secured everything. She curled her lip at her phone screen. And then he made it worse. The weather is supposed to take a turn this afternoon. Want company through the storm? She groaned. Definitely not.
She was not aware of any storm, so she checked her phone. It was supposed to start raining soon with dropping temperatures and then snow. Great. Have to love that New England weather. I'll probably go to Mal's house to ride out the storm. She would not, but it would keep him away while she was upset with him.
Are you sure? We could snuggle by your fireplace. She could picture the dumb smirk on his face.
She could not roll her eyes hard enough. Mal should have someone with her just in case. We can help each other if it's necessary. She did not bother to explain that. I have a meeting with Gold now. She was never happier to meet with Rumple Gold than this moment. He was her savior. But, it's probably not a good sign to need saving from your boyfriend.
Putting her phone away, Regina gathered some files she might need during this meeting with Rumple. This could go one of two ways, as a proper business meeting or a personal attack. Though, it was most likely to be both. He could not help himself with the personal attacks.
Rumple was on time as always. Aurora let him, purposely showing herself to probably let Regina know Spencer had not harmed her or frightened her off. Rumple stepped in with his cane in hand and smiled at Aurora, but his smile looked like a sneer. Aurora closed the door immediately.
"Regina," he greeted her. The way he said her name made her want to flinch, but she learned early in life to hold in those reactions.
"What's so urgent we have to have a rushed meeting out of the blue?" Regina asked, folding her hands in front of her.
He smiled, like a lizard as he took a seat in front of her desk. "Well, good morning to you, too."
She frowned. "You know it's not." It never was.
"No? You can't bake your way to happiness?" His eyes twinkled.
"Maybe if someone gave me a chance in the kitchen, we could both find out."
He waved that off as he always did. "You're better at managing and politics. You have the perfect disposition for it, Evil Queen."
Regina was far from impressed with the nickname given to her by the very townspeople who elected her to this god awful position. The amount of hate she got around the town for keeping them in the black was unbelievable. And little did these people know how often she saved them from Rumple or some other wealthy asshole trying to push into something they had no business going into. Unfortunately, she could only do so much with Rumple and some of the things he requested helped her earn that moniker.
"You wanted to discuss something," Regina said, wanting to get him gone.
"There's a crumbling building on Pan Street."
Regina's heart punched against her ribs, but she kept a bored expression. This little bastard knew! "Pan Street?" She arched an eyebrow.
"Yes, Pan Street. There's actually several buildings on that block, but the crumbling one belongs to the city and I was hoping to purchase it. I was thinking I might open a restaurant there."
Regina ground her teeth. "A restaurant? That's off-brand for you and your pawn shop." The pawn shop made so much sense for him, someone who took precious items from people in despair and made a profit from their pain. It let on what sort of landlord he was.
"It's quaint with a lot of foot traffic and just far enough from the town's favorite diner that it wouldn't have to compete." Reasons that Regina and Maleficent purchased the corner shop on Pan Street.
"I will make the suggestion if you're certain you want to move forward with this, but you know it's ultimately not my decision."
He stared at her for a long moment, expecting her to fold for some reason. That was not possible. He and her mother made sure of that. Now, she would use their lessons to free herself of both of them.
"It's just an idea for now." He leaned back in his chair. "I was just curious if I could do it."
"In theory, we can start whenever you like. The most work would come from convincing several departments this is the best move for the town and then there is the town council," she replied.
He waved her off. "It's just an idea for now. I hear you spoke to Spencer this morning."
Regina would not put it past Gold to have her office bugged, but Spencer was also that predictable. He whined to Gold, hoping Rumple would come into the office and force her hand. He could try, but she was done with this nonsense, even if he knew about the moves she and Maleficent made. He had used her to crush the hopes and dreams of people to advance his own agenda. His dreams would now be included, so he could feel the wrath of the Evil Queen.
-8-8-8-8-
Emma could not believe her luck. Bad did not begin to cover it. It was like she was cursed. That was why her car decided now would be the best time to give up the ghost, in a freezing rainstorm that turned to snow right before her eyes and she was nowhere near a friendly soul. She had been parked under a bridge just to avoid the cold rain, but then the area started to flood, so she made a break for it and the bug broke as soon as they got on solid ground.
She grabbed her phone to find it dead, like she would be if she stayed in this car. She needed to get to shelter, but if she ventured out into the weather, she would get soaked and freeze. If she stayed in the car, she would freeze. She grabbed her bag and took a chance, getting out of the car. She might be able to find shelter.
The ice rain cut through Emma as the snow flurries got bigger and bigger. Soon, she was walking blind, freezing, and soaked. She tried to burrow deeper into her jacket and hoodie, but it did no good. Everything hurt. How did this seem like a better idea than staying in the car? She was going to die. No! You didn't make it this far to die frozen in the street of this stupid wasteful neighborhood! Of course, she really liked this neighborhood, which was why she basically haunted it. Well, great now your ghost can haunt it.
Trying to gather her bearings, Emma looked around, squinting through the storm. Mostly white flooded her vision, but she could make out an outline of houses. Her heart jumped. She recognized the area. She made a mad dash to the safety of the one place she should not. The slush cut through her boots, chilling her ankles, toes frozen.
Emma was not at all subtle with her break in this time, too cold to care. Heat rushed her frozen features and felt like a loving hug. She was barely in the kitchen before the owner stood before her.
"You," the woman growled, which would have made Emma shiver any other time.
"Hi." Emma gave a lame wave. "Consider taking in a stray?" She gave an awkward smile, cracking her chapped lips.
The woman stared at her for a long moment and then sighed. "Let's get you out of those wet things."
Emma had never been so relieved in all her life, even when she got out of prison. She collapsed in relief. She did not even feel herself hitting the floor.
-8-8-8-8-
Next time: these two try to out-clever each other and somehow end up stuck with each other.