OreImo: My Little Sister Can't Be This Much of a Bitch

04

About a year ago…

"So? What do you think?"

Looking over Saori's shoulder, I shrugged. "It's a forum."

"Mhmm!" Saori nodded, beaming a smile at me. "But it's my forum."

"So you made a new one? What's it called?"

The girl nodded again. "I named it 'Anime Girls Unite!' As the name implies, it's a place for girls who like anime to talk."

I cast a look down at her faded blue jeans and long-sleeved flannel shirt. "What's up with the outfit?"

"You like?" she asked, standing and turning in a circle. In addition to the jeans and flannel shirt, she wore boots and had tied her hair back in a simple ponytail.

"It's very plain. Not you at all."

"Exactly!" Saori smirked. Pulling off her normal glasses, she replaced them with a set that looked to be intentionally too large and thick. "No one will recognize me in this."

"I don't recognize you in it," I deadpanned. When she pouted, I rolled my eyes. "But I suppose that's the point. I guess it's for IRL meetups?"

"Yep," she agreed. "Now, I just need a userbase."

I snorted quietly. "Good luck."

Saori stuck her tongue out. "You're no fun."

"I'm plenty of fun," I denied. "I'm just worried that you may be using the online thing as a crutch for meeting people. Don't you have friends at school?"

The tall girl shot me an amused look. "Didn't I tell you? I'm home-schooled. I have private tutors. I don't go to school to make friends."

I palmed my face, groaning quietly as I dropped to sit on the edge of her bed. "Well, that would explain a few things. And I can't exactly tell you that you should enroll in a normal middle-school, either. You'll hate it."

Saori's legs slipped to either side of my waist as she straddled me and pulled my hand away from my face. "I don't know, I might not mind if you were there."

"You'd have to wait until high school, then. And by then, I think I'll be on my last year."

Giving me a catty smile, Saori's lips brushed mine. "I would be okay with that. I could call you senpai…"

"Is this the part where I meet Saori?" Ruri asked, and I nodded. "Did anything truly important happen?"

"Not particularly. I mean, I could say that any time spent with my friends is important to me, but I know what you meant. Nothing outside the ordinary happened with either Manami or Saori. Skip to Kirino?"

Ruri nodded.

It was a Saturday afternoon and I'd just gotten home from visiting Manami. Opening the interior door, I spotted Kirino sitting on the couch with some kind of magazine in hand—Lgirl, whatever that was. Bright blue eyes looked up from the magazine and locked with mine for a moment before jerking away. "Have you played it?"

I rolled my eyes and grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator. "The game you slipped under my door? Yeah, I played it."

She waited expectantly for a moment before realizing I wouldn't continue. Huffing, she shifted onto all fours and turned to glare at me over the arm of the couch like an oversized cat. "Well?! What did you think?"

"I think the plot was derivative—a cheap Tenchi Muyo spinoff, without the Tenchi or the Muyo. That's when it actually stuck to its own plot and didn't just devolve into pop-culture references. The characters were a hodgepodge of people taken from other series and palette swapped, maybe given a different hair style as well. I spotted a Rei expy, an Asuka clone, a Ryoko clone, a generic 'Yamato Nadeshiko' type, and a shrine maiden for flavor. And I'm supposed to believe that all of these conflicting personalities—not to mention looks, given the exotic hair colors—are related to the protagonist, because his father… what? Was a man-whore? Had a harem? And who, by the way, I see you still failed on since his name may as well have been 'Generic Harem Protagonist.' It's better than 'Your Name Here,' but still horrible. And why, why for the love of all that is holy, was there even an option for a little brother route?" I growled. "Also, you gave me the adult version of that, so I have you to blame for being exposed to that particular brand of filth. Ugh."

"A little brother is almost as good as a little sister," Kirino countered.

"Yeah, if we're talking about dealing with an older sister, or an aunt, or an older woman in general—straight shota is fine in those instances, or at least as acceptable as loli, which isn't saying much. At least then, it's more about the older woman than the child in that equation. Not okay with an older brother," I shuddered, pulling a disgusted face. "No stars and it was a shit game."

Kirino glared, crossing her arms under her breasts and turning her nose up. "You have no taste."

"It's more that you have shit taste," I retorted. "Look, don't you have any friends into this stuff that you can talk to? I'm not really comfortable playing this filth, given the subject."

Her eyes shifted back to me as she blushed. "Are you implying something?"

Only that you're trying, unsubtly and poorly, to convince me that I should see you as a viable romantic option. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. Ignoring the little complication of her being my direct sibling, Kirino was still absolutely undateable. I could admit that Kirino was beautiful—hell, given her job, it was more an objective fact than a matter of opinion.

However, beneath the mask of the polite, modest, wonderful girl she showed the world beat the raging heart of a rabid bitch, whose sole purpose in life for the last several years seemed to be to make me miserable. If she was just crazy, I would at least understand—I'd dealt with more than my fair share of crazy bitches in more than one life to spot them a mile away. No, Kirino was mostly sane—in addition to being calculating, conniving, and manipulative.

Kirino was the perfect storm of bitchiness, where I was concerned.

"I'm not implying anything," I deadpanned. "I'm saying it outright: I'm not comfortable playing games about romancing little sisters at the behest of my little sister who enjoys playing said games about romancing little sisters just like her. Leaving aside the dangers of getting caught playing this and being labeled a sis-con and a threat to you, playing them leaves me feeling like I need three showers."

"Pussy," she huffed, flopping back onto the couch.

"Never should have taught you that word," I sighed.

Kirino's only answer was a smirk, which quickly left her face as she admitted, "I don't have any friends into anime, let alone eroge."

Crossing my arms over my chest, I thought about it for a moment, weighing the pros and cons before I decided one way or another. On the one hand, if she goes for it, both my sister and Saori gain a friend who shares their interests. Saori's a huge pervert and loves those sorts of games anyway. At least with her, I know it's only a mild fetish—and one of many. Barely a drop in her ocean of depravity. On the other hand, do I really want to expose Saori to my sister—or vice verse? Not sure which of those is the bigger threat to the other.

Finally, I jerked my head towards the stairs and started walking up them. "Come on."

"What?" she asked, bouncing up and following. She frowned when I stopped at her door and gestured for her to lead me inside.

"We're going to find you some like-minded people to talk to."

"But… won't they make fun of me?" Kirino asked in a quiet, vulnerable voice.

I shook my head. "No. They'll be in the same boat so they'll have no room to make fun."

"But they'll think I'm one of them!"

Sending her an amused look, I told her, "But Kirino, you are one of them." She opened her mouth to protest and I held up a hand, speaking over her. "Get over it. That, little sister, is the best advice anyone will ever give you. You like these things. Other people don't and look down on those who do. You can either quit your hobby now because the opinions of others are too central to your self-esteem, or you can own it. Accept who you are, accept that some people are always going to hate the things you like no matter what it is, and get over it. Ignore them. That applies to more than just your eroge.

"And yes, I get that you want to hide it for now because you're in this phase where you want to have your cake and eat it too, but you're going to have to get over that shit too. The world doesn't always work like that. So the absolute best thing you can do is to find friends that share your hobbies—because the odds are very good that if the friends you have now are shallow, you're going to lose them to this hobby. Now, pull up your browser and let's start looking. You like anime, you're a girl, and we're in Japan. Start your search around those terms first."

"O-okay, onii-ch—" she cut herself off and turned away with a frown. "Fine."

I was cheating, of course. I knew damn well what search terms Saori used for her forum, seeing as I gave her half of them in a brain-storming session when she'd asked how to recruit more users, simply by using the KISS method: Keep It Simple, Stupid. With a little refinement to Kirino's search—mostly by location—I smirked as Saori's forum came up as the top result. "So I just sign up?"

"Yup," I agreed, then sat back on her bed and watched her fill out a membership application with the handle 'Kiririn.' Pulling out my phone, I sent Saori a text.

Kyoka: You're about to have a live one.

Saori: Oh?

Kyoka: Check your forums. You should be getting a membership email any minute now.

Saori: Someone I should know?

Kyoka: My sister. Please be gentle.

Saori: Oh, Kyosuke-shi, is it her first time? I promise I'll be as gentle as possible when I deflower her.

Kyoka: …If you seduce my sister, I will not be held responsible for the consequences.

Of course, being that it was Saori, I couldn't quite tell whether she was joking or not. In fact, it was highly likely that she would take that as a challenge.

"She's bisexual."

I shot Ruri an amused look. "Only sort of. She prefers cock, trust me. However, she'll gladly play with anything cute enough."

"Thus the cosplay and the occasional fondling," Ruri deadpanned.

I nodded. "She thinks you're cute enough. I agree—you're one of the four most beautiful women I know."

"Two of the others being Belphegor and Saori?" When I nodded, she hummed and brought a finger to her lips. "Who is the fourth?

"Kanako," I admitted, earning an amused look in answer.

A small, catty smile slipped across Ruri's lips after a moment of studying me. "I can live with that, considering you said Saori has the body of a supermodel."

Chuckling, I asked, "Would you like me to compliment you more on your looks?"

"I… yes?"

"Okay then." After a moment of consideration, I said, "If it bothers you, take her aside and ask her to stop. She only does it because you let her get away with it, which in her mind means you enjoy it."

Biting her lip, Ruri shook her head. "No, it's... it is not enough of a bother to talk about."

"Ah, so you do enjoy it."

Ruri leveled a glare at me. "Be silent or I will curse you."

"So is it just the attention you like, or is it because she's hot?" I hummed and quietly added, "Or is it because she only does it when she knows I'm watching?"

"Stop talking now," she turned away, burying her face under my pillow.

Kyoka: You were talking about some kind of IRL meetup in a cafe with your members the other day. Is that still on?

Saori: Yes! Would she like to come?

Kyoka: We'll find out.

I put away my phone and glanced over Kirino's shoulder. "Where did you hear about this sort of thing? Neighbor-girl?"

"I'm the only one allowed to badmouth Manami, so keep your comments about her to yourself," I warned. "And no. Unlike you, I'm not a complete noob when it comes to the internet."

"'Nub?'"

"Noob. English slang for 'newbie,'" I used the other English word for it, before explaining in Japanese. "A person who is new to something. So new, they don't know the rules or how to do anything and generally make a nuisance of themselves."

"I'm not a noob," Kirino argued.

I pointed to her taskbar. "Internet Explorer. Windows Vista." I tapped her on top of the head. "Noob."

"At least I'm not making myself look like an idiot like you when you and Neighbor-girl are all over each other."

"Kirino," I began, a dangerous smile creeping across my lips—more along the lines of a baring of fangs than a smile. "You are not yet too old for me to take over my knee."

She turned around to glare at me as her face and neck lit up in a blush. "You wouldn't dare."

"You know I would."

"I'll tell mom and dad," she threatened.

I nodded. "And I'll use something that won't leave marks again." Shaking my head, I added, "You and I both know mom and dad think you can do no wrong. They're too lenient on you. The fact that you keep doing shit to antagonize or test boundaries says that you actually want more discipline in your life."

"I-I don't—"

"Then why test me, knowing the consequences? The only thing I can't figure out is if it's a game to you, or if you secretly, genuinely enjoy it." I cut myself off before I could mention how it connected with her hobby and shook my head. I was beginning to suspect that Kirino didn't have a sister fetish, but that she had a brother complex—and she hadn't gotten far enough to figure it out for herself. Or maybe she had, but didn't want me to know. If that was the case, I wouldn't rub her nose in it. Our relationship was already screwed up enough as it was.

"You discipline her?" Ruri asked, raising an eyebrow.

I shrugged. "I have before. Her choices were either she accept whatever punishment I gave her or I'd go to mom and dad with it. Mom and dad are pushovers when it comes to discipline, but Kirino has this thing about humiliation and embarrassment—she can't stand it. She'll do just about anything to save face at times."

"What sort of punishment are we talking about?"

"Spanking, usually," I answered simply.

Ruri frowned. "And your parents—?"

"Mom's the type that always picks a child up when it whines, or buys candy in the store if they cry. Dad tries this whole stern look thing, but it's never worked on me and Kirino has him wrapped around her little finger for the most part. I don't think that they're necessarily wrong in some regards, but that's not the way I was raised in either of my past lives. Reward good behavior, punish bad behavior, and above all be consistent. Not that I really needed it the second time around but it's how my siblings were raised."

"That sounds Pavlovian," the tiny girl on my bed pointed out.

I nodded. "It is, and it's supposed to be, because it's training. It's what makes it effective."

"Do you enjoy it?"

"Do I…" I shook my head. "No, I don't get off on it. There's a difference between disciplining a child—even if the child in question is only a couple of years younger than you—and sex play. A world of difference. Kirino needs someone in her life who will call her out on her bad behavior and actually do something about it, but who won't overreact over little shit. Stern, but fair. Like the thing with the eroge. It's a fucking non-issue as far as I'm concerned. On the other hand, if I find out her manager is giving her drugs, she's going to be in for it and he'll require a trip to the hospital after he falls down a flight of stairs. Into an elevator shaft. The shaft may or may not be filled with bullets."

A grin crossed my lips and I added, "But if you want to try it yourself, I'm willing to help you experiment."

Ruri looked as though she would flat out deny it for a moment before a considering look crossed her face. "Perhaps," she finally murmured. "So, even when you're hard on her, you have her best interests in mind."

I sighed at that and nodded. "She's a bitch, but she's still my sister. Family is supposed to look out for you, but also correct you when you're fucking up. I'd rather this and have her so ashamed of her hobby that she keeps it secret from everyone—because she knows it's degenerate—than have her openly admitting it in public. It'd ruin her. She'd be labeled like one of those 'rotten girls.' Just like Sena."

Ruri shuddered at that and I nodded. "I see your point. I would not want my children to turn out like her."

"You've got a message," I pointed over Kirino's shoulder, breaking our staring contest.

She looked away and began to read. "'Pleased to meet you, Kiririn-sama. I'm Saori, one of the moderators for the 'Anime Girls Unite!' community. Thank you for showing interest in joining our community.'" Humming quietly, she said, "She sounds polite."

"'Well-spoken,'" I suggested, and Kirino turned an annoyed look on me, our brief standoff forgotten for the moment.

"What, some sort of well-brought-up young lady?" she asked and I nodded. "You're gross."

"How do you figure?"

"Shut up, I'm reading," my sister turned away to continue reading. Reaching the end, she turned to me with a hesitant look and asked, "Tea party in Akihabara next week?"

I grinned. "There you go. Go out, have fun, meet new people."

Kirino's cheeks puffed out as she let out a quiet "Mou" of irritation. "Will you come with me?"

"Why? You're a big girl, you can handle yourself."

Her bare foot flashed out and kicked my shin—not hard enough to hurt, but enough to show me she was annoyed and didn't appreciate my playing with her. "Please?"

Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair and nodded. "Fine. I'll come along to make sure you don't get dragged off by strange people. Now," I pointed at the screen, "get to know the strange people you'll be meeting. I'm going to my room. I've got work to do."

"Fine," Kirino huffed. "I'll have another game for you to play tomorrow."

"Ugh. Fine. Just make sure this one's not shit," I grunted, closing her bedroom door behind me and moving to my own room. Pulling out my phone, I found I had a message.

Saori: Is she 'Kiririn?'

Kyoka: Yep. Be nice. Don't scare her off. She's shy and kind of embarrassed about this whole 'otaku' thing she's found herself in. But don't let her fool you—she's a royal bitch when she wants to be.

Saori: Fine, fine Kyosuke-shi. I'll be on my best behavior. For now. :3

Saori: Still, I didn't know you were so protective of your sister. There's not something going on there that I should know about, is there? [=^._.^=]

Kyoka: Keep it up. I know where you live.

Saori: Empty promises, Kyosuke-shi. You shouldn't get a girl's hopes up like that.

"And then came the meeting."

I smiled at the girl on my bed. "Yep. That was fun. Your face—"

Ruri went red and her eyes narrowed. "You're a horrible man."

"You enjoy it."

"Don't come near me! I don't want people to think we're on a date!"

I shot the bitch queen that was my sister a flat look. "Then fuck off and do it yourself," I shrugged, turning around and marching back towards the subway station.

"Wait. Wait! Fine!" Kirino called after me and I stopped long enough to look at her. "You can walk beside me," she said, so quiet I almost didn't catch it in the sounds of pedestrian traffic and had to mostly rely on lip-reading.

"Where are we meeting them?" I asked, rejoining her and gesturing for her to lead on.

"Cute Maid Cafe," Kirino answered, pointing up the street to a cafe with a picture of a girl in silhouette—who looked suspiciously like Sailor Moon with cat ears—on a sign above the door.

"Come on, then," I said, taking the lead and pushing through the crowd, leaving her to follow in my wake. "And for the record," I said over my shoulder, catching her attention. "If this were a date it wouldn't be in Akiba, it wouldn't be in the middle of the day, and we wouldn't be going to a maid cafe."

"Oh."

I stopped at the door and gestured her inside. "After you."

"Welcome home, ojou-sama, goshujin-sama!" a trio of girls dressed in maid outfits called as we entered.

Those sorts of greetings always get on my nerves. Way too familiar for my tastes. I'm not a friendless NEET who needs to come to places like this to fulfill some fantasy of social interaction that they can't get at home. It's worse than 'love' or 'dear' in English. Then again, cosplay themed cafe, so even if I don't like it, it fits. I mentally sighed and resolved to treat it like a renfaire or something. Meaning it was basically a LARP, everyone was 'in character' at all times.

"Are the two of you together?" one of the girls asked as a pair came up to greet us—this one with black hair pulled back into twin-tails.

My mouth ran off ahead of me as I answered on automatic, "No." At the same time, Kirino answered, "Yes."

The two of us shared a look before turning back to the girl. "Yes," I said, while Kirino corrected herself with, "No."

Another shared look, this time with Kirino puffing her cheeks out in frustration and balling her fists while I smirked down on her. Finally, I turned back to our potential servers—who appeared to be trying to hide their amusement—and said, "She's my sister and we're going to be waiting on a group to come in so she can meet with them. I'll stick around while she hangs out to make sure things go smoothly."

The little brunette's eyes lit up as she beamed a smile at Kirino. "You have such a kind onii-chan!" she said, taking my hand in both of hers and pulling me towards a table. "Right this way."

I did not fail to notice the way Kirino's eyes narrowed as they tracked my hand in the maid's, nor the quiet growl that escaped her throat as she followed. Noticing it didn't mean I had to acknowledge it, however—so I ignored her for the moment and took the seat I was shown to. "What can I get for you, onii-chan?"

Turning to Kirino, I asked, "Tea while you wait?" Earning a nod, I told the twin-tailed girl, "Sweet tea for my sister and a cream soda for me while I look over the menu."

"I'll be right back," the girl promised, hurrying off to fill the order.

"Don't encourage her," Kirino grumbled quietly. "Disgusting. She's at least two years younger than you."

Smiling at the girl across from me, I countered with, "Two years isn't a big deal as far as age gaps are concerned. Half your age plus seven is the commonly accepted standard for dating someone younger. So, in my case, seventeen divided by two, plus seven: fifteen and a half would be fine. That's really more of a guideline than a rule, though. Anything within a ten year age difference is fine, so long as the person you're dating isn't five when you're fifteen or fifteen when you're twenty-five. The younger party can't be less than about twenty or so for that rule to apply."

Kirino frowned. "You would date a younger girl?"

"Why wouldn't I?" I asked, confused. "Is it because Manami is the same age as me?" When Kirino nodded, I rolled my eyes. "That doesn't mean anything."

Our server—maid, rather—arrived with the drinks, temporarily curtailing conversation. "Onii-chan, have you decided what you would like to eat?"

Opening the menu, I read it over before picking something that sounded edible and sending our maid scurrying on her way again. Kirino sipped at her tea and regarded me silently from across the table. After several long moments of silence, she put down her tea. "I don't understand you."

"Welcome to the club. No one truly understands anyone else. It's half the fun." A frown crossed my lips and I added, "Of course, there's also the frustration, tears, and heartbreak that comes with realizing you thought you knew someone but all you really knew was the mask they allowed you to see." My eyes met hers. "This is why you need people you can be yourself around."

The doorbell rang as a group came through, led by a familiar tall girl wearing flannel and too-thick spectacles. Kirino turned at the sound of the maids' greeting and observed the group. "What is she?" she asked, spotting Saori.

I hid my grin as several answers came to mind, Otaku, sexy, pervert, rich girlprincess, unrepentantly horny...

Aside from Saori, one other figure stood out in the small crowd of girls. She was short, with long, straight black hair held in place by a hair band with a pair of black roses sewn on top that almost resembled cat ears and what had to be red contacts. She wore a loli-goth style black and white dress and black boots beneath it and carried herself with a sort of bored aloofness—as though she were too good for this crowd. I could agree with the sentiment—she really was too good for most of that crowd, with the exception of Saori.

Something about her tickled my memory and it was only a moment later that I realized what it was. Well, well, well… It seems our 'problem child' has come out to play.

"I am not a 'problem child.'"

I shrugged. "You were at the time. Why do you think most of your interactions wound up being between myself and Saori? As Kuroneko, you're far more aggressive than Japanese social norms would ever allow. I'm pretty much used to it, coming from American girls. Saori thinks it's fun. The other girls on the forum? Not so much. You have any idea how many requests I fielded and subsequently denied to have you banned?"

Ruri blinked, a sudden understanding look crossing her face before she closed her eyes and lowered her head in a short bow. "I'm sorry I caused trouble for you."

"Raise your head. Don't worry about it," I waved her off. "They were whiners anyway. I know their type. Fangirls afflicted with rampant me-tooism—sheep, all of them. You're worth more than a hundred of them. Even when you're being obstinate and argumentative. But then, I like a girl with some fight to her."

"Is that so?" Ruri asked, raising an eyebrow. "Then where does Manami fit in that?"

"Her type of sweet, honest girl hits me right in the feels." Shrugging, I added, "I enjoy both types."

I watched as Kirino joined Saori's group, the tall girl turning to send a discreet wave my way which I returned with a nod as the maid serving my table came back. "I see onii-chan's little sister joined her friends. Do you think they'll get along?" she asked, putting my plate on the table in front of me.

"Knowing her? Probably not."

The pretty maid frowned. "You shouldn't say such things about your imouto, onii-chan."

I turned a smile on the maid. "Oh, you sweet, naive thing. If you knew her like I did, you wouldn't worry for her—you'd worry for everyone else at that table. I've just released a piranha amongst a school of koi. She'll eat them alive and come back for seconds if she sets her mind to it." My smile shifted into a grin. "I'll let you in on a secret. I'm not here to rescue her from them. It's the other way around."

"You're terrible," the maid whispered, her eyes having gone wide.

"No," I shook my head. "I'm realistic. I know my sister. I know Saori—the tall girl with the glasses. Saori's spent over a year trying to make friends with these people and I don't want my sister ruining it for her." Sighing quietly, I added, "At the same time, I want my sister to make friends who share her hobbies."

Thinking that over, the maid asked, "So you're looking out for both of them?"

"Yeah, I suppose so." I admitted. "Could you bring me a cup of vanilla ice cream and the bill?" Looking around, I asked, "I'm going to hang out here until they're done. You don't look too busy, so it's not a problem is it?" When she shook her head, I nodded. "Great. Then just ignore me for a while unless I wave you over, okay?"

The maid scurried off and I turned my attention back to the table, where Kirino sat alone in the crowd. Likewise, the loli-goth I suspected to be Kuroneko had isolated herself with her phone. Well, Kirino's going to have to grow the fuck up eventually and get over herself. It's best to throw her in the deep end in this instance—sink or swim. Kuroneko, on the other hand, could use a prod or two. Pulling out my phone, I set about baiting my favorite black cat.

Kyoka: You shouldn't look so bored. Bajeena-san will think you're not interested.

The loli-goth's phone dinged immediately and I knew I'd guessed right. The maid returned and I dug into my ice cream, putting my phone on the table and making sure it was set to silent as I plastered on a bored look.

Kuroneko: Oh? And why shouldn't I be bored with the drivel of teenage girls, prattling on about their OTP for this season?

Kuroneko: Also, how did you know I was here?

Kyoka: Haven't you figured it out, Kuroneko-chan? I see all. Bajeena-san asked me, as co-moderator, to watch over your gathering and make sure nothing untoward happens.

Kuroneko: Then you are near.

Kyoka: Search all you want, kitten—you'll never find me. I could be the girl with the glasses to your right, or the girl with the red hair dressed like a model, or the redhead's brother seated across the floor from her eating ice cream and looking as though he wished he could burn the building down if only to escape his boredom, or I could even be the server handing you your tea. Or perhaps I'm none of them and I am simply observing you all through the Lenses of Farseeing.

I yawned and looked at my watch as Kuroneko glanced my way. Timing it right, I caught her red eyes and smiled. She eyed me suspiciously for a moment before turning away with a bored look, shifting her gaze to Kirino.

Kuroneko: Firstly, you help moderate a forum for girls and your name is, at best, gender neutral. Taking these factors into consideration, it would be safe to assume that you are more likely to be a woman than a man.

Kuroneko: Secondly, of those you listed: the glasses-girl is boring and not using her phone. The model's hair is orange and she looks almost as annoyed to be here as I imagine you feel I do. The brother, if that is what he is and he's not some pervert, is simply too mundane to be you—if you were actually male. The serving girl, likewise, is not using her phone enough so that rules her out.

Kuroneko: Thirdly, I highly doubt you have acquired an item of power such as the Lenses you describe.

I blinked. 'Too mundane,' she says. Okay, brat. I'll show you mundane.

Opening my browser, I began searching local shops and quickly found what I was looking for even as I sent off a message to Kuroneko.

Kyoka: Oh my~ It seems as though we have a detective in our midst.

I dialed the number of the shop and leaned back in my chair, crossing my legs and still looking bored as the phone rang. When it finally picked up, a young man answered, "Curio's Curiosities—Akiba's finest location for finding costume pieces, jewelry, and more. How can I help you today?"

"I have a few questions," I said, quietly enough not to be heard by anyone else in the cafe. "Firstly: do you deliver?"

"No, sir. We can ship items though, if you'd like to place an order over the phone," he answered.

I frowned. "What if I said that the delivery address was in Akiba—just a few blocks away—and I was willing to pay for delivery? And tip."

I could practically hear the cash-register 'cha-ching!' sound effect as he answered, "Well, I think we could bend the rules this time. Did you have anything in mind?"

"Do you have item 221 Bravo in stock?" I asked, by habit using the NATO designation for 'B.'

Making sure to keep the smug off my face as I read off my credit card number to him, I glanced at Kuroneko to see her frowning at her phone. I had gone quiet for too long. "Where will we be delivering this?"

The boy's voice broke me out of my observations and I said, "Do you know the Cute Maid Cafe?"

"We do. That is close."

"Told you so," I agreed. "Please deliver it there. It's a gift for a friend. She answers by the name Kuroneko and is wearing a black dress—you can't miss her."

"Should we gift-wrap it?"

I considered it, then smiled. "Sure, why not? Nothing fancy. Something… fitting of the theme."

"Certainly. We'll have it over shortly." Before I could hang up, he asked, "Who should we say it's from?"

"Kyoka-san." I hung up the call and checked my messages.

Kuroneko: Why does that sound somehow ominous?

Kuroneko: What are you planning?

Kuroneko: Perhaps I should simply leave…

I rolled my eyes at the melodrama.

Kyoka: I'm sorry kitten, I didn't mean to ignore you. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Kyoka: I've got a surprise for you.

Kyoka: Just sit right there and wait patiently for a few minutes.

Kuroneko checked her phone immediately, her red eyes narrowing as she tapped out a reply.

Kuroneko: It's not like I care if you ignore me or leave in the middle of a conversation.

Covering up my snort with a quiet cough, I sipped at the remainder of my cream soda. Bullshit. Your inner tsundere is showing, kitten.

Kuroneko: What sort of surprise?

Kyoka: The kind that comes wrapped with a bow.

Kyoka: And for the record: orange is a shade of red as far as hair coloration is concerned. That makes the model a ginger.

Before she could question further, the doorbell rang and I spotted a young man wearing a uniform bearing a name badge from Curio's Curiosities. "Welcome home, master!" one of the servers called.

"Oh, no, no," he waved off the server. "I'm sorry, I was asked to deliver a package." Looking around, he spotted Kuroneko. "Please excuse me."

"Of course, Master," the maid nodded.

"Excuse me," he spoke up, temporarily interrupting the gathering at Saori's table and drawing the attention of all the girls present. "Miss Kuroneko?" he asked of the loli-goth in question. When she nodded, he proffered a small package, wrapped in brown paper and twine. "From Kyoka-san. We hope you enjoy it."

As the shop employee left, Saori smiled over at Kuroneko. "Why don't you open it, Kuroneko-shi?"

With everyone's attention on her and no easy way out without leaving, Kuroneko sighed and opened the package, taking care to untie the twine and unfold the paper around it without destroying it. Her eyes widened slightly at what she found inside and she froze.

Kyoka: Go ahead. Put it on, detective.

I was probably a horrible person for forcing her to do this in public, but she had started it.

Kuroneko: You wish me to play Sherlock to your Moriarty? Fine then. The game is afoot!

At the table, the little loli-goth took on a determined expression and lifted my gift from the package—a brown and black deerstalker hat. Removing her hair band, she placed the hat on her head and ignored the others around her as she went back to looking at her phone in an obvious dismissal. When they saw they weren't going to get anything out of her, the other girls at the table went back to ignoring Kuroneko's presence just as she ignored theirs.

Kyoka: Well then, catch me if you can, detective.

I smiled as I sent the message. At Saori's table, things appeared to be winding down as girls began saying their farewells and leaving the table in ones and twos. Finally, Kirino stood and made her way over to my table without so much as a backwards glance at Saori or the others there. "This was a complete waste of time," she muttered, dropping into the seat across from me with a depressed look. "I couldn't talk to anyone."

"Well, when you're dressed like that, what did you expect?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"What's wrong with my clothes?"

"Nothing," I denied. "They look wonderful. Stylish. Expensive. You stick out like a sore thumb in that crowd. You're dressed as exactly what you are—the popular girl. Except you forgot that the group you're trying to integrate yourself into aren't typically popular, rich, or sometimes even all that good looking or even if they are, they aren't self-confident enough to show it. They were just normal girls, for the most part. Maybe an exception or two there."

"But I did everything like I normally do—"

I nodded. "And that's the problem."

"You're saying I scared them off, then. Great," Kirino whined, pulling the gift Saori had given her to her chest.

My eyes shifted over her shoulder to where Saori was speaking with Kuroneko, before the two—the last two left at the table—stood and made their way to our own table. "Maybe not," I told Kirino, nodding towards our approaching visitors.

"Kiririn-shi," Saori greeted my sister with a smile. "It was nice to meet you. If you have some time, would the two of you like to get lunch with us and continue this elsewhere? An afterparty of sorts?"

Kirino considered it a moment before sending me a questioning look. I shrugged, wondering why she was deferring to me in this. "That sounds nice. What did you have in mind?"