Playlist:

Evanescence – Lacrymosa

Carrie Underwood – Just a Dream

Rae Sremmurd; Gucci Mane - Black Beatles

Panic! At the Disco- Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time

Florence + The Machine - Drumming Song

Author's Note: This begins after Bella, Edward and Alice return from Volterra, but before the vote scene. It goes AU right after Edward's speech to Bella after their return. That's right after Chapter 23. AU: Bella asks Edward to leave after his speech. This story picks up a few days later. Bella is a year older in this story. I have taken liberties. Lots of them. I took them from babies in carriages and little old ladies. I found them in closets and under the bed. I have taken SO MANY liberties. Jacob is not in this one, but never fear! He comes around in the sequels. Also, I've changed a few small details from Twilight and New Moon. I plan to do a 'rewrite' of those two stories later. This is building into a series in my head. THIS IS AN AU!

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the words. Stephanie Meyer owns the Twilight series, and the songs belong to their respective people.

Lacrymosa

Edward glared at the clock, willing it to stop its incessant ticking. He would never have thought to hate something as insubstantial as time before he met Isabella Swan. Each tick brought them closer to the time when his love would have to leave. Charlie had set a strict curfew for Bella, forbidding her to visit their house under any circumstances. Edward still wasn't sure why he had consented to drive her here. It probably had something to do with eyes of melted chocolate; it probably had something to do with Bella's voice sounding lost and sad. It probably had something to do with how much Edward liked the sight of her in his bedroom and how much he had died without her.

She had been quiet all day at school, and Edward was hyper-vigilant for any change in her since they got back from Volterra a few short days ago. She had been reticent to share her feelings with him since their return, and his heart hurt every time she answered his questions with silence. When he had finally dragged a reluctant admission from her, it had surprised him.

"It's just that it's been a while since I've seen your family, too. It's okay. I mean, if they don't want to see me. I understand."

Oh. He was being selfish, again. How could Bella think that his family didn't want to see her? They were all practically foaming at the mouth to talk to her. Alice was as hyper-vigilant around Bella as Edward was, and Edward could see the memories of her vision and the mad dash to Volterra every time he glanced into her thoughts. Emmett and Carlisle were furious with him for lying to them about why they had to leave and concerned for Bella's health. She had always been skinny, but Bella was willow-thin now; her elegant bones moved in sharper contrast under her skin. Esme, Rosalie and Jasper were so full of regret and gratitude towards his lover that it made Edward's teeth hurt. Bella took suspiciously little convincing from Alice to skip school for the afternoon and go to the Cullen house. It was a pleasant surprise that Carlisle and Esme were home.

At first, it had been slightly awkward. Unsaid words hung thick in the air. Rosalie and Emmett disappeared to their bedroom, each unsure they were welcome. But Bella had blown her bangs out of her face and carelessly flopped onto the couch, waving a hand in the air as if to silently ask if they could skip this part. When she spied the new chess set on the table, she had excitedly asked who could teach her. His family had taken her cue, reserving the heavy conversations for private discussion and enjoying the time to reconnect.

A few hours later, Esme was happily cooking in the kitchen while Jasper wrangled with Bella in chess. Bella had uncanny instincts for the game. She had already played his father. Carlisle had been forced to correct her about the moves a piece could make for the first few minutes, but by the end she had thoroughly trounced him.

His love never ceased to surprise him. Briefly, Edward's mind drifted to Bella's skillful manipulation of Jasper and Alice when they were hiding from James, and her aplomb when dealing with the Volturi. Bella was like that, always popping up with little skills that weren't what he would've expected. Edward was watching Bella set up a trap that was sure to take Jasper's knight, and enjoying it immensely, thus his sudden hatred for the clock over the mantle. As Bella reached across the board to save her wayward queen, Edward's thoughts were interrupted by another's.

'What is that?' Jasper's thought was loud and alarmed, his shock flashing through the room's occupants like a heat wave.

He had noticed the start of a thick rope of scarred flesh on the underside of Bella's wrist. Jasper grabbed Bella's hand and exposed the thick scar to the eyes of everyone in the room as he rucked up her sleeve to examine it closely. The eyes of every vampire turned to the half-hidden scar on Bella's wrist, and Bella's breath went still for three of her human heartbeats.

That can't be what it looks like.

The thought echoed through the numbness of Edward's mind. He flashed to his love and gently pulled up Bella's other sleeve, revealing a thin layer of clean white gauze which covered Bella's skin from the base of her wrist up as far as the cotton of her shirt allowed him to see.

As one, the Cullens realized that they had never seen Bella in anything but long sleeves. They never thought anything of it; it was so foggy in Forks. The epiphany was the forgotten splash of cold water as their vampiric memories now recalled every interaction where Bella had covertly covered her skin from them.

She wouldn't meet their eyes, struggling against where Jasper pinned her against the table. What had Bella been hiding?

Edward felt sick as he carefully tore her sleeve, his thoughts racing to find an explanation. Self-harm? Suicide attempt? Edward placed a steadying hand on the back of Bella's neck, counting on Jasper to hold her still. The scars were old, Bella must have been hiding them for years. Edward's mind was desperately searching for even a few inches of bare skin in the wreckage. Smaller scars like lashes littered the back of Bella's arms, wrapping her bicep; some twisted around her arm like a corkscrew. Betrayal and horror warred in Edward's gut. The long scar on her forearm was the most horrific, but all of the scars were devastating as they were revealed. The scar was a thick bar of raised flesh where Bella's arm had been flayed open, and the edges of the scar were uneven, like it had happened over and over again.

The ticking of the clock seemed to get louder as the gauze fell away. Her heartbeat was pounding where his could not. She struggled to stop him, but Edward could not stop.

What was this?

It only got worse as more skin was revealed, and when one of the innumerable scars stretched around Bella's shoulder he followed it mindlessly, ripping fabric and gauze.

His family drew nearer in alarm, and Edward felt Carlisle's restraining hand on his shoulder for a millisecond before his father's face went slack and shocked too at the sight of Bella's left shoulder. Alice was cataloging scarson Bella's other arm. The whirl of his family's thoughts and observations only drove him closer to madness.

He shoved Bella down against the table when a scar stretched down her spine, barely remembering to temper his strength. Her shirt tore completely along the seam, the collar still fixed around her neck, but the back torn wide; only Bella's bra shielded her from immodesty. Gauze fell to the floor unnoticed. His eyes landed on her back, on the lashes that crisscrossed his lover like some sick roadmap leading to the torn apex wound at her shoulder. His hand reached out of its own accord, and Edward's world went strangely muffled as he ran a feather-light fingertip across the brand, so covered in torn scratches he could not make out the intended image.

Fingernails. Self-inflicted over a period of at least two years. His father's thoughts rang strangely across his telepathic senses.

Edward began to feel numbness spread from his hands to his feet, up to his head.

Bella began to struggle against Jasper's hold anew; Edward could feel her pushing against his arm distantly where his hand was braced against the back of her neck. She let out a long whine, but Edward only tightened his hold on her neck, shushing her softly with a half-growl sound he hadn't known he could make. Bella stopped struggling.

Bella's next desperate whimper reached Rosalie and Emmett, and when they reached the stairs, they were shocked by what they interrupted. Bella was pinned by Jasper against the table while Edward traced a long scar that went diagonally across her spine. Alice and Carlisle were close by, stunned into instinctual stillness and doing nothing to stop the assault. Bits of gauze littered the floor like confetti, scattered among chess pieces. Esme stood stock still in the center of the room with her hands over her mouth.

Emmett was quick to process the grotesque scars covering every inch of Bella's exposed back, but from his vantage point at the top of the stairs, he could see what no other Cullen vampire could. Bella's face was stark white, her eyes large and pleading. She was biting back a scream, dangerous blood welling up where her teeth dug into her lower lip. She forcibly relaxed her body under Edward's hold, terror twisting her face into that of a stranger.

Instinct crashed through Emmett. He flashed, throwing his brothers away from their victim and crouching in front of Bella with a growl, prepared to stop anyone and anything from getting to the weakest member of his family.

Rosalie was hot on his heels. She took Bella in her arms and preserved Bella's modesty with her hurriedly stripped off jacket as she pulled her upright. When Bella's eyes turned to her attackers — her family— sense returned to them. Shame and horror painted every face in Emmett's vision, but Bella could only see the pity painted in Rosalie's sad smile. Her vision faded, and the world went black.

Just a Dream

Oh God, what was she going to do now? Bella felt the hard oak of the desk under her fingertips: Carlisle's study then. Soft footsteps alerted her to someone's approach, and she focused her gaze on Esme with effort. Her mother-figure wore a watery, cautious smile.

This isn't fair. She had just gotten them back. Why? How could they have done this?

Bella blinked her eyes clear, staring at the uncertain smile and hating everything it represented. It vanished, replaced by silence as Esme tried to figure out how to express how sorry they all were.

How could she apologize? They don't know what they've done. I should be the one apologizing, but they don't know that.

She had kept her secrets, and this was her reward. The Cullens knew dangerous things now, things that could not be unknown. What they had seen with their own eyes would spark questions she could not answer. The Cullens were some of the most ruthlessly curious people she had ever met, and their questions would reveal her to enemies waiting in the dark. The Cullens knew, now—and that put them in the crossfire. The thought settled over her like Novocain on her tongue.

What have I done?

When Esme reached out to stroke her hair Bella ducked away, leaving the room without a word. She didn't even slow down as she swung her backpack up on to her shoulder, but her nimble escape was thwarted by vampiric speed. Edward himself suddenly stood in front of the front door. Her feet slowed and stopped of their own accord. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Am I your prisoner now?" Bella's voice rang through the quiet, interrupting him before she had to suffer his angelic voice. She spoke in a hoarse whisper, already fighting the seductive pull of Edward's comforting presence.

Edward's words were rushed and panic-driven. "Of course not. Please, I'm so sorry. It was just shocking, and we lost it a little bit. Please forgive me, Bella".

Bella took a deep breath, forcing herself to think about all that could be lost.

In ...Out.

Her Edward. Of course, he was worried about her being angry. She could use that. She was angry, but not for the reasons he thought. It broke her heart to meet his imploring gaze. She couldn't tell the truth, but the confusion in his golden eyes ensured she couldn't lie. A worn, familiar rage flared to new life in her mind as she forced the words past her teeth.

She grabbed hold of her fury for strength, letting it embitter her words.

"Don't. Don't you ask me for anything—after what just occurred here. Don't you dare. You have no concept of what you have done. I want you to stay the fuck away from me. Your family too. I'm leaving. Either restrain me against my will or get out of the way."

Somehow, Bella made her feet move again. The snap of Bella's footfalls on the hardwood did not falter as she stayed just out of Edward's reach, skirting around him and swinging open the door. The rage in her mind faded, leaving only a numb determination to do damage control. She was a fool to have ever thought she could love and be loved.

How many times do I have to learn this lesson before it sticks? Please, God. Just let them survive.

That wasn't the sound of her footfalls on the cement, walking away from the man she loved. That wasn't the far-off beating of a drum that only she could hear, or the sound of suppressed whispers in her mind growing too loud to ignore. She was still behind that door, still where she was meant to be.

She scratched at the thin layer of fabric over the brand on her shoulder absentmindedly as she threw her backpack into the cab of her truck, letting the defensive numbness spread through her mind.

No. Don't be silly, Bella. It's nothing, just a dream—it's nothing more than the ticking of the clock.

A week passed, and though the Cullens grew ever more desperate for interaction with Bella, she stonewalled their every effort to get her alone, to explain, to apologize or grovel. She did not speak directly to them unless it was absolutely necessary; she never ate lunch in the cafeteria anymore. Every day she appeared a little more gaunt. Edward was losing his mind.

It seemed the awkward stalemate would last forever, until the morning Carlisle came home with a thin manila folder in his hands and defeat in his gaze. Before he took two steps in the door, Edward ripped the medical file from his grip with shaking hands, laying it out on the unused dining table.

"No. No,no,no..." Edward muttered to himself as he spread the pages in a display of horrifying pictures and x-rays.

"It's not true, Carlisle." he pleaded, "It's someone else's file, a mistake. It's not her. Not my Bella."

Carlisle buried his face in his hands, sinking onto the sofa and gripping his hair hard with a tortured expression. "It is her, Edward. I had to go through two different servers in Phoenix and lie to a social worker to get it, but it's her file. I'm sure of it."

Rosalie interjected, outraged. "You stole Bella's medical file!"

"It's technically the file for an anonymous ER patient admitted for extreme trauma to Phoenix Medical. Rose, I know it's wrong. I do. Rosalie, someone has tortured Bella. I've examined the file, and the damage is too extensive to be anything else." His eyes turned to Esme, begging. "I had to know. I had to. The possibility alone was terrible, but..." he motioned towards the file. "...I didn't think the certainty would be so much worse."

Rosalie was uncharacteristically quiet, and when she spoke it was a halting half-question. "Carlisle, — was she...?"

Carlisle let out a long sigh, tangling his fingers with Esme's as he bowed his head to rest on her stomach. He was the picture of a man defeated. "I don't know for sure, Rosalie. Her mother wouldn't allow a rape kit. But the evidence certainly points that way. And worse."

"Worse?" Alice's voice was a whisper.

Edward cried out, flipping the table and scattering the damned file across the room. "SIXTEEN, Carlisle. Bella was sixteen when this ER visit occurred. Lacerations on her back like whip-marks, blisters from restraints on wrists and ankles, blood loss, trauma, intentional burns, edema; on her inner thigh here, someone bit her, Carlisle! Layers on layers of damage, extended trauma—and I think that scar on her arm is from a suicide attempt. I know what that looks like."

Edward fell to his knees. "Please. You're my father, my maker. If you tell me it isn't her, that my angel didn't go through this nightmare, I'll believe you. Please. Tell me."

Carlisle couldn't speak, and he felt Esme's grip tighten in his, just a little. It gave him the strength to think it. It's her, Edward. It's Bella Swan.

Black Beatles

When Bella forced herself awake later that morning, the world was still stark and grey. Her bed was somehow colder without Edward's body sheltering her.

She glanced outside, counting the shiny heads of the nails that messily secured the closed window. As she did every morning for the last week, she imagined ripping the nails from the windowpane and opening the window wide. She absently wondered how long it would take Edward to come into her bedroom through the window if she did. She imagined a world where she could tell Edward everything and hide in the shelter of his embrace.

Her eyes closed for a moment. Bella swayed on the edge of the mattress, trying to focus on anything but the sound of drums reverberating in her head.

Get it together, Bella.

Bella threw herself off the bed, away from the window and towards the door of her room, slamming it closed behind her. She was out of control. What am I doing here? She was putting the Cullens at risk. How much longer could she stay away from Edward and his family? This was torture worse than any other: even now, Bella wanted nothing more than Edward's stone arms around her. Something had to be done.

After a shower which did nothing to calm her mind, Bella met her own eyes in the mirror. She forced herself to take in her own appearance: the shadows under her eyes and the frailty of her form.

Yes. Something must be done.

Centering her intentions, Bella lit the topaz candle she had set on the back of the sink. With shaking hands, Bella traced the symbols of her forgetting spell on the surface of the mirror. For just a moment, she relished her soon-to-be-banished memories. Soon, she would be the only one to remember her precious time with the Cullens.

On the back of her eyelids, she saw Edward's crooked smile, Carlisle's butterscotch eyes, Esme's delicate hands, Emmett's beaming grin, Rosalie's composed movements, Alice's excitability and Jasper's calm steadiness. Tears pooled in her eyes, but the movement of her hands was decisive as she cut through the steam and condensation on the mirror, wiping away the symbols to start the cast. Bella snapped a soldier's nod at her own reflection, pale and drawn as it was, and cupped her hand around the open flame of the candle.

Destiny, change paths. Let me be forgotten. So mote it be.

She inhaled sharply, but before the candle's flame could be extinguished, Bella heard a crack. Her own reflection showed her shock and disbelief in the shattered glass. The candle's flame struck out of its own accord. Bella watched the smoke rising from the wick and she felt it choke in the back of her throat. Her tears finally fell down her face as she imagined larger flames, clouds of smoke.

Yes, there would surely be clouds of smoke when the Cullens burned.

The drums beat fiercely in response to her failed spell, faster and angry that Destiny would deny her. She forced them to a clinical distance as she rhythmically brushed her hair. She turned away from the cracked mirror.

She was going to go under, lose her cool. It was only a matter of time. She couldn't stay here. She shouldn't even want to. Just as she had every day for the last week, Bella weighed logic against emotion and got the wrong answer. She set her jaw against what she should do and grabbed her backpack. Just one more day. Today would be her last day in Forks. She meant it this time.

By the time she reached the school, she was shaking like a junkie needing a fix. The drums let loose a pounding beat at that thought and she winced as she got out of her truck, stumbling. Edward was there before she'd even processed that she was falling.

Their eyes met, honey amber to doe-brown, and Bella's shaking stopped. Edward's eyes were shattered and despairing. His grip around her waist was desperately tight. Without thinking, Bella stroked his face from forehead to jaw, wanting nothing more than to comfort her lover. He always caught her. She had missed him so much. She would do anything to wipe that look from his eyes, anything at all.

Except what must be done.

She didn't notice the ostentatious orange corvette swinging into a parking space across the lot, blaring bass-heavy music loudly. But nothing could have made her miss the stifling, malevolent presence that creeped into her mind as the corvette's three passengers stalked towards the entrance to the school. Panic clawed in Bella's throat as she ripped her eyes from Edward's and turned towards the dangerous trio heading towards the new student check-in. New students? It was two weeks until summer started.

One of them, a dark-skinned man, narrowed his eyes as he considered her for a moment. He slid his leer to Edward and then back to her, smirking. She glared at the handsome boy, shoving down her sudden desire to see him bleed, and walked away from Edward without looking at him.

Time's up.

The Black Beetles had arrived.

Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time

It was right before lunch, and Bella couldn't take anymore. Between the Beetles' probing glances and Edward's constant stare, she was going to lose her mind. How had they found her so quickly? It didn't help that Lauren had kept sneering at her all through English, batting her eyelashes at Edward and the Beetles alike when she thought Bella's attention was elsewhere. The whole scene made her nauseous. She snuck out through the gym.

Her forgetting spell may have failed on the Cullens, but it would still work on her mortal friends and family. Teenagers went missing all the time and there were places in the world where even her vampires could never find her. She struggled briefly with herself, shoving her magick down and away and feeling desperation rise in her. There was no option, she must leave. The Cullens were in danger, and every second she remained near them she risked their lives. And so much more, besides.

Halfway across the lot, she began to feel an unnatural chill. She rounded the corner to her truck and noticed a lipstick on the ground. Next to it was a compact mirror, then a small notebook. Curious, Bella followed the trail of purse items. When she laid eyes on the scene, she felt a fizzle of energy as her brain kicked into high gear.

The three beetles had Jessica splayed out on the concrete, her dress rucked up and her eyes blank. A dopey smile was on her face, and when she saw Bella, she giggled. "There she is guys, that's Bella! They were just asking about you, girlfriend."

The beetles' eyes turned to her; each set consumed with glowing color.

Shit.

She threw her backpack at the closest one and ran, dodging around cars and headed back to the school. They suspect me. I cannot let them know the truth. I cannot use magick. There is more to be lost here than my life.

She could see the dented door to the gym when she was suddenly yanked backwards by her hair. She used the momentum to drive her head into her attacker's nose and spun, kicking low at him. She hit her target and he reacted, letting loose of her to clutch at his crotch.

She took off again, but she'd missed the gym door and the beetles were close behind her. Her only chance was to circle around to the front doors. She was running at a speed just a touch above what should have been possible and she prayed the beetles didn't made it to the doors just as the men reached her.

They were locked.

The closest one threw her to the ground by her hair and the second one was coming in hot with a kick to her stomach when she saw it: the little red box of the fire alarm was next to the door. She ruthlessly shoved down her rising magicks. Last chance, Bella. Don't fuck this up.

She made an X with her arms, taking the impact of the man's kick, and twisted her wrists to grip his leg as she stood, sweeping his feet out from under him. The other one tried to grab for her, but she avoided him deftly and delivered a hard punch to his jaw. The third beetle saw where she was headed and scrambled to beat her there, but she was first.

The sound of the tinny alarm was music to her ears, even as the third beetle delivered a vicious punch that knocked her head into the wall. She shoved him back from her, hard, and braced herself for the next blow.

They regrouped, hatred and suspicion in their eyes as they leered at her. She was trapped in their circle against the wall of the school, all they had to do was tighten the noose.

But the beetles' eyes were fading back to normal. Bella grinned helplessly through heaving breaths as the front doors opened, releasing the flood of semi- organized students, teachers, and administrators into the parking lot.

The lead beetle, the dark-skinned one, wiped blood from his nose with a black glare on his face as Bella dropped her fighting stance.

"Bella?"

Jasper and Alice stood a few feet away. Jasper's eyes were narrowed at the beetles, attack-ready, but Alice was looking at Bella, taking in the obvious evidence of the fight. The tattooed beetle spat on the ground towards the vampires and Bella shoved down murderous impulses. She smoothed down her hair and caught her breath, already walking away.

"Hi guys. Wait up."

Drumming Song

"Bella, what is going on? Who were those guys? You're bleeding."

Alice broke the tense silence with her questions as they walked towards where Bella's truck and the Volvo were parked. When they got there, Edward held out her backpack silently, like it was evidence of a crime. Jessica was nowhere to be seen, and Bella sent up a quick prayer that her friend wouldn't remember anything through the telepathic magicks the beetles had used.

"You were going to kill them." Jasper's voice was soft and gentle. "You wanted to. They would have killed you, too."

She stayed silent, just looking at her vampire siblings, committing this moment to memory. Her last sight of them. She distantly wished they didn't look so suspicious, that she could see them happy.

She felt her shoulders slump under the weight of the world and turned to open the truck door. Edward was gentle when he stopped her. He turned her into an embrace, and Bella rested against him wearily for three whole seconds, committing the way he smelled to her memory. No one spoke. When he pulled away to search her face, she let him. She had to fight hard to stay still, desperately wanting to bury her head in his shoulder to hide her tears. She could feel the salt sting against a scrape on her cheek. Edward brushed the water away with his thumb, and it came away pink with her blood.

Bella climbed into her truck numbly, letting the heavy silence hang over their group as students milled around the parking lot, chatting easily about their petty dramas. When Jasper reached to stop her, Edward pulled him back. Edward shook his head slowly at his brother, his eyes still locked with hers. She forced herself to turn her face away and closed the door.

Then, there was only the sound of drums in her head as she drove away.

She followed the highway out of town and turned off onto a dirt road she didn't recognize. She made it to some half-paved highway headed south about ten miles outside of Forks, before the numb silence in the cab of her ancient truck was finally broken by a ragged gasp of breath.

She couldn't do it. She couldn't leave. Not alone, not without her vampires. Not without Edward.

Rather than pulling over when her vision became blurry, Bella sped up, pushing the truck over fifty and shuddering through the gears toward sixty-five. At eighty miles an hour, Bella worried the truck might rattle apart under the force of her helplessness. She felt a sharp pain in her heart, saw Edward's face in her mind's eye.

With a scream that was half battle-cry, Bella slammed the wheel hard to the right. The truck flipped and rolled, the outside world finally matching the feeling in her chest. After a moment of glorious chaos, Bella felt the tension in her chest give out. She slammed into the old-fashioned metal steering wheel, cracking ribs with the impact. The passenger side had slammed into a strong tree trunk, leaving the driver's side mostly undamaged. The rusty door was still dented too badly to open, so Bella braced her arms against the roof of the truck and released her seatbelt.

When gravity took hold and her scarred back met the glass scattered across the roof, her hopeless fury faded in an instant to acute and devastating despair. She knew this feeling.

This is what defeat feels like.

In the upside-down wreck of her ruined vehicle, she put her hands over her ears and screamed until her voice gave out, finally letting everything crash in on her. Golden magicks exploded around her like a bomb going off, destroying the foliage with fire and tornado and making her truck rock in the sudden earthquake. Absolute destruction surrounded her for a mile in every direction.

The Bella who crawled out of the wreckage through a jagged hole in the windshield was not the same girl the Cullens knew. Blood trickled down her stony face unheeded, and sparks sizzled between her fingers.