Chapter 15: The Faux Battle

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They got to the seventh floor with a lot of messing around. Deadpool and Luna once more thought it was a good idea to chat up the portraits. They asked about the castle, its defenses, and if they had ever heard of the basilisk. They got a lot of information, and a lot of being told off. Many of the portraits thought they were too young to be asking such questions. It was alright, they got what they needed.

The castle was fortified by magical wards that the headmaster was in charge of. Only one or two of the older pictures knew of the basilisk, but they told the kids that nothing had been heard for over fifty years. The last time the Chamber of Secrets had been opened. However, the staff at that time didn't know it was a basilisk. And unlike this duo, they never asked the portraits.

"So, how are we going to fight something that can kill with a look?" Harry asked, when they were finally on their way.

"I told you, don't' look at it," Luna said, like she was talking to a child. She was skipping along holding Deadpool's hand.

"Hey, that's not nice. The snake can whip around and look at me," the boy protested her tone of voice. He was calmly walking next to the other two. They might like skipping, but he preferred to walk, thank you very much.

"We'll be blindfolded," Deadpool said, skipping along with Luna. Harry was just a stick in the mud sometimes.

"How are we going to fight blindfolded?" was Harry's question. He tried to imagine it in his head, but he couldn't see how that would work against a snake.

"It'll be a good test of your other senses," Deadpool said, letting go of Luna's hand and taking the stairs two at a time. He had to wait for the other two, who took them normally.

"Like what? Smell? I'm supposed to know where the snake is by scent? That's crazy," the preteen stated, not liking that one bit. He knew his senses are upgraded with the serum, but he didn't think they were that advanced.

"Well, how about I'll stay unblindfolded, and guide you?" Wade said, thinking that maybe he was immune. Nothing else had killed him yet.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Luna asked, peering closely at his masked face, like she could read his expression from the movement of said mask.

"I'm immortal. The worse that could happen is it'll kill me for a minute," Deadpool said, leaning forward until their foreheads touched, because why not. She giggled and shoved him away.

"That minute might be all it needs to kill me," Harry pointed out, thinking on the logistics. Could he fight with a blindfold? It'll be interesting to see.

"Why don't you practice first. The Room of Requirements might bring up a basilisk for you to fight that can't kill you," Luna suggested, not telling how she knew the name of the room.

"Is that what it's called?" Wade asked, not asking how she knew the name.

"That's what the author tells me," she said, with a shrug.

"Oh ho, so she talks to you too?" Deadpool asked, giving the author a thumbs up.

"No, I just said that to fit in," the girl said with another shrug.

"Dammit, don't tease me that way," Deadpool said with a pout. "I had to give up my little yellow box for this fic, so it would have been great to have someone else as strange as me." He missed his little yellow box. It was full of good advice on how to kill someone.

"Sorry, but I can tell you the nargles told me," she said, smiling brightly. It was all the same to her.

"Didn't you say the author was a nargle?" Harry asked, looking around for said author or nargle. He didn't see either. These two were touched in the head, but they were his friends, so he put up with it. Sometimes, he wished he was just as twisted. It would make life so much more interesting.

"These are different nargles," Luna pointed out, pointing to the fourth wall like Harry could see through it. He couldn't, nor did he understand the reference.

"I give up," the preteen said, throwing his hands in the air. He leaned against the wall with the tapestry of the dancing trolls. It was a disturbing image.

"Luna's right though, we should practice first," Wade said as he approached the blank wall. He paced back and forth to bring up what he wanted, and a dark wooded door appeared with a rope handle. He pulled the rope and opened the door. "Let's see if the room got it right," he said, leading the way in.

"I'm sure it is," Luna said, following behind him, with Harry taking the rear.

Inside did look like the Chamber. It was a large grey room, full of snake statues, and the big ugly bust of a man.

"I think that's where the snake is," Deadpool said, pointing to the bust. "I heard it slithering around in there." Sure enough, there was the sound of slithering there.

"How do I open it?" Harry asked, looking around for an answer. "Open sesame?" That didn't work.

"I don't know, the paper told me to hiss at it," Wade said, sorry that he had eaten the paper now.

"Do you remember the hisses?" Luna asked, looking at Wade as if he had done something foolish, which he had but she shouldn't know that.

"Hissss shssss hiss hisss," Deadpool stated, thinking hard on what it had been.

"You just said, 'My bike sewer stop'," Harry said, looking at the other man like he was crazy.

"Well how would I know. I don't speak snake," the costumed man said, folding his arms across his chest.

"Room, can we have the password please?" Luna asked, looking to the ceiling as if it would answer.

It did.

A piece of parchment landed in her hand. She looked at it and handed it to Harry.

"Speak to me, Salazar Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts four," Harry read in English. "Wow that guy was pretentious." He wondered about that. Maybe someone changed the password in the last thousand years.

"I think you're supposed to hiss that," Luna pointed out, then said, "Wait, let me hide." She then tucked behind a statue and said, "Now." Her voice was one of confidence, like she was sure they would prevail.

"Wait," Deadpool said, pulling some cloth from… somewhere and handing it to Harry. "Put that on," he said, miming using it as a blindfold.

Harry sighed and took the cloth and put it over his eyes. He then hissed the sentence. There was a grating sound, but he didn't know what it was. He heard the slithering and pressed himself against the wall. He heard Deadpool run, but to where he didn't know.

Deadpool ran to the snake ready to strike. "Cowabunga," he yelled, like a demented surfer.

The snake hissed at him, and Harry said, "Wait, it's trying to say something." He leaned forward a bit to catch what the thing was saying.

"Oh for the love of… really? Can't I just kill something?" Deadpool said, his sword poised to strike.

"What if it's innocent?" Luna said from her hiding spot. She didn't dare look out. She too heard how big it was by the amount of time it took to leave the bust.

"It's a sixty-foot snake, how innocent can it be?" Wade asked, standing and lowering his sword. He was getting pissed that everyone was spoiling his fun.

"Fluffy is," she stated, making Deadpool hang his head.

"Damn it, Luna, why did you have to use logic?" he muttered, leaning on the snake since it seemed to be negotiating with Harry.

"I'm just nice that way," she said, in a sugar sweet voice.

"She's saying she wants to be free," Harry said, from his place on the wall. His eyes still bound in the blindfold.

"Free to do what? She kills with a look," Deadpool said, pointing to the snake that was not looking at him.

"Free, is all she says," Harry said, moving his face in Deadpool's direction.

"I'm going to need more than that," the masked man said. He wasn't going to just set something like this free with students around. If it were just the adults, well, they could fend for themselves.

"Like what? A promise not to hurt humans?" Harry asked, thinking that would be a good thing, but would Wade believe the snake.

"To start," was the answer.

Harry and the basilisk talked a minute and Harry slumped and said, "She won't promise that. What if she's attacked?"

"What if she's lying?" was the comeback.

"I can't make her promise something that would put her life in danger," Harry all but shouted, taking off his blindfold and glaring at his friend.

"Then make her promise not to attack those that don't attack her," Wade said as if it was obvious, and in retrospect it was.

"Fine," Harry growled and started hissing again. He still wasn't looking at the snake but glaring at Wade. "She promises," he said after five minutes of hissing.

"Dammit," Deadpool said, throwing his katana at a statue and kicking a stone in front of him. The stone flew up and hit the snake. She took exception to that and hissed at him.

"You attacked her," Harry said, turning and facing the wall.

"Does that mean she wants to fight? because I am itching to see who will win," Deadpool said, getting his katana from the floor where it had landed.

"I give up. Do what you will. But if you die, I want your swords," Harry said, putting his arms in a 'put out' gesture.

"Hell, yeah," Deadpool said, and he and the snake danced. First, he went for the middle, which did him no good. The muscles there were too thick, then he went for the tail and was thrown across the room. He got up and charged for the head, but again her skin was too thick. He wondered if it were bulletproof.

"Go, Deadpool, go," Luna cheered. "Rip 'em, Tear 'em. Go, go, go," she continued, her legs going up and down as she jumped behind the statue, making it look funny as hell. Like some weird religious statue from across the sea.

Where did the pom-poms come from?

"Luna, I thought you wanted the snake to live?" Harry said, from his wall. He could hear the fight, but he didn't know who was winning.

"Only if she was innocent. No one innocent would take an accident as an assault. She would have used that excuse to kill others and not break her promise. They don't call snakes cunning and sly for nothing. Besides, do you really think Deadpool is going to kill her?" she asked, continuing jumping up and down.

"Damn right, I'm going to kill her," Deadpool said, his costume was streaked with snake blood and there was a tear on the shoulder where he had been thrown against something sharp. It had been one hell of a fight, and he was having the most fun he had since last night.

"You know this is just a simulation, right?" Harry said, reminding him they were in the Room of Requirements.

"Fuck it, I'm still killing her," Deadpool said, and brought his gun out and shot her between the eyes. The snake hissed its final breath and disappeared. Not bulletproof then.

"Now, let's talk about your need to kill everything," Luna said, coming from behind the statue and taking Deadpool's hand.

"I don't have to kill everything. That Quirrell person is still alive, isn't he?" Wade said, sulking at being reprimanded.

"Yes, yes, he is, but you wanted to kill him too," Luna pointed out, squeezing his hand to show she wasn't angry, just concerned.

"Fine, but if you'd had my life, you'd want to kill everything too," he pouted, taking off his mask to show he was pouting.

"Don't pout, you can still kill the spiders and the basilisk," Harry said, coming up to his other side, but did not take his hand.

"Why did you change your mind?" Deadpool asked, letting go of Luna's hand and looking at his protégé.

"Well, Luna was right. The snake was just trying to live and would lie to do so. I figured if she can't be tamed, she needs to die. Also, she's a construct. Not natural. Her entire reason for being is to kill," he said, looking to where the snake had disappeared.

"Hot Damn, I get to kill something," Deadpool said, jumping around the room in a victory dance.

"Let's go to dinner. Now that you know the snake isn't bulletproof, you can simply shoot it," Harry said, not let down in the least to not have to fight a sixty-foot snake that can kill with a look.

"Yay, I'm hungry," Luna said, skipping along to the Great Hall.

"You're always hungry," Deadpool said fondly, following her, this time not skipping. He tucked his mask back on.

"I'm a growing girl," she said, using the often-used phrase for boys.

"Me too, only a growing boy, and I'm just as starved," Harry said, making his way down the stairs.

"Fine we'll eat," grumbled the put out costumed man.

"You should eat up too. You have a busy night ahead. You know, killing things," Luna said, loud enough for the entire Hall to hear her. She didn't' care.

"Too right," Deadpool said, making his way to the Slytherin table. The students were all looking at him like he was going to snap any moment. He just smiled a smile they couldn't see.

"To tonight," Harry said, pouring some water and raising his glass.

"To tonight," the other two said, lifting their glasses.