Pâro
- n. The feeling that no matter what you do, it is always somehow wrong as if there's some obvious way forward that everyone else can see but you. That your life is a series of aimless mistakes that you'll forever compare to those who seemingly have it together
Santana was sitting in the guard shack at Gun 4, waiting for a last-minute meeting to start. Since the ground attack, things have been intense. As you'd imagine, right?
The Taliban carried out an attack to create an opening for them to get on base. They drove a semi-truck straight into the northern part of base, filled with explosives. The initial explosion took out a very big part of the wall which allowed 6 Taliban insurgents to come in. By 2200 (10:00 pm), all six targets were taken out, and the wall was fixed. Because who in their right mind would keep a gaping wall open overnight?
Brittany was her second in charge, and the girls had walked into the guard shack ready for a fight. SGT Manzi decided to talk shit through texts and Santana wasn't having it. She was at her wits end, fighting for her crew and constantly having to defend her choices she makes as a SGT.
"Okay, does everyone understand why we are all here today?" SSG Sylvester starts. "Obviously there is some tension, and we're here today to try and fix that."
SGT Manzi had been a pain in the ass the entire deployment. She wasn't a team player, refused to acknowledge her mistakes and was the type of NCO that felt that since she held that rank, she was better than everyone else. And it didn't make for a good work environment whatsoever. Her second in charge was SGT Hart, while Santana had Brittany.
"So, SPC Pierce, you can go ahead and start this off. Take this tv remote. The rule is, if you don't have the remote you aren't allowed to talk."
Secretly- both Brittany and Santana began recording on their phones. Just so that Manzi and Sylvester couldn't go back and say that they never said that or try and gang up and say that one of the girls said something.
"Okay, so. As everyone here knows, I haven't been happy with the way this shift is. The environment, the atmosphere. It has been stressful. And for what? For the entire time we've been here in country, SGT Lopez has gotten nothing but slack from the both of you for doing her job."
Santana looked up and saw that their faces, didn't look happy. It was obvious that they didn't expect Brittany to speak her mind, being that she was the lowest enlisted person in the room.
"And what do you expect, from the rest of the lower enlisted when we see you guys disrespect her in front of us? Someone that we respect and look up to?" She scoffs before putting the remote down on the table. But not before she finishes with, "Ever since Oklahoma we've all been treated like shit. And this ground-attack just proved that the priorities you say you hold so highly, don't exist."
With that, Brittany put the remote down and leaned back in her chair.
SSG Sylvester takes the remote, and plays with it in her hands.
"I understand your frustration. I understand that you all might not understand why I do what I do. But that isn't for you to understand. That's for SGT Manzi, and SGT Lopez to understand. How I treat my NCO's, shouldn't affect the way you all treat me. And honestly, that's unfair. I don't treat Maniz or Lopez any different. And if you all see it a different way then I'm sorry. You all don't know the conversations and the arguments SGT Maniz and myself have on the side. You don't see that."
The frustration was building up inside of Brittany and Santana. SGT Hart even looked a little unsettled.
"But what we're here to discuss today, isn't about that. It's about the AAR, and everything that led up until today."
The remote was placed back down, and SGT Hart took his turn to grab it.
He takes a breath before he starts. "Okay. Everyone here knows me. I'm quiet. I mind my business and I go to work and do my job. But what SPC Pierce said, is right. I understand we're here to talk about the ground attack and the obvious problem you two have with whatever SGT Lopez and her crew wrote. But honestly, all of this is ridiculous. You think that the rest of the shift is just going to brush off what you guys do to SGT Lopez? It's not just from being in country. It's literally since annual training."
Santana was sitting quietly. She never really understood the impact she had on everyone until today. She was humble. She did her job, took care of her soldiers. And at the end of the day, if they got what they needed from her, then that was enough.
What SGT Maniz and SSG Sylvester didn't understand was that shit rolls downhill. And this was the bottom. And it was catching up to them.
"So I guess what I'm getting at, is why don't you all like SGT Lopez?"
SGT Hart puts the remote down, and SGT Manzi immediately picks it up. Because of course she has some shit to say.
"It's not that I don't like SGT Lopez. I've never said that. I don't know her. And I don't care to know her."
Santana's blood begins to boil. Her hand begins to grip her phone tighter.
"But being a SGT is more than everyone liking you. Having respect and trust from the soldiers? Isn't important. What's important is that they listen to you and follow everything you say. I was active duty prior to this, and an NCO like Lopez wouldn't last a week. I'm sorry. But she isn't a real SGT. Or a real soldier to begin with. Imagine if we had to go outside the wire? You'd get your crew killed."
Santana shifted and Brittany put her hand on her arm.
"You think that AAR you and your crew wrote even means anything? The leadership did what they had to do that day. And I'm sorry that you guys were stuck in the PAX terminal but that's just the way everything happened. As far as the information about what was going on? That's privileged information. You didn't need to know it at the time. What you do with your crew, Lopez. Is so far off of what an NCO should be. And hopefully you'll learn that in time. That's all I have to say."
She puts the remote down.
SSG Sylvester looks over to Santana. "SGT Lopez, anything?"
She slowly grabs the remote from the table, looking down at the buttons.
"Your entitled to your own opinions, SGT Maniz. And that's fine. I'm not going to sit here, and fight you for who's a better NCO, who does things the 'correct' way." She added in air quotes. "Because honestly? That whole spiel that you just gave just proves what kind of soldier you are. What kind of NCO you are. You were never a team player from the start. You judged each soldier before you even knew them, and then tried to be the best when you knew that nothing you could did could ever touch the Stallions."
The Stallions was a name coined for the crew by Brittany and Hanna back in Oklahoma. It was a morale booster, and it stuck. You had shirts and jackets made, and each member of the original gun 4 crew got some.
"I'm not saying that to be cocky, I'm not saying that to rub it in your face. I'm saying it, because it's the truth. You talk about team player this and working together that but it's all been empty words. From the both of you, to be honest. SSG Sylvester I've known you since I enlisted. And this? Nah, this is bullshit. I'm sorry for my language. What SGT Hart and SPC Pierce said isn't wrong. What you two do to me in front of the shift is unfair. And yet you just said that you two have conversations on the side when no one is looking. Why do I not get that same respect? Because I'm a new NCO? Because you guys don't like my leadership style?"
Santana stood up. "I'm tired. I'm tired of having to prove myself time and time again that what I'm doing isn't wrong. I'm tired of waking up everyday wondering what kind of bulllshit you two are going to pull. Doing laundry while on shift? Going to the USO to relax and drink coffee while the rest of us are doing our jobs? You think that we don't know these things?"
She placed the remote on the table, before walking towards the door. "The next time we have a conversation like this, I'd like SFC Shuester, SFC Puckerman, and the First Sergeant to be present. Because this? Is going nowhere."
"Sit back down, SGT Lopez. We aren't finished here." SSG Sylvester said.
"For what? For you two to spew out meaningless words for a temporary fix?"
"We're almost done. Just sit down."
Santana makes her way back to her chair, sitting at the edge.
"I get that all of our leadership styles clash. It's obvious. But we have two months left here in Afghanistan. Can we at least try to be cordial? The five of us will be the leadership that the shift depends on so we can we at least be on the same page for that?" SSG Sylvester began. "SGT Lopez, I'm sorry that I don't extend the same respect to you as I do SGT Maniz. We're roommates, and sometimes she'll get information before I can get it to you. And yes, that is unfair."
"But, as for right now, we're about to do shift change. If you're willing to be cordial then we can move forward."
To Santana's surprise, Brittany stood up. "Yeah, no. I'm not willing to be cordial. And I'll leave it as that."
She walked outside, and shut the door behind her.
The remaining four discussed things before heading back outside to wait for the rest of the shift to get their to begin the daily briefing.
SGT Hart and Santana walked over to the smoke shack where Brittany was smoking a cigarette and scrolling on Instagram.
"Shit, you're fucking insane Pierce. You just walked out like that? Fucking badass." SGT Hart said as he held out his fist.
"I just don't agree with what they were saying. The disrespect. No one is gonna do that shit to my gun chief." Brittany said as she held her fist out to Santana.
The shift change brief went off without a hitch, and soon Santana and Brittany were sitting on the gun having another smoke.
"Britt, you think was Maniz said was right?"
She scoffed, but when she turned to look at Santana she realized that she wasn't joking. "No, you can't be serious."
"Honestly. I know you guys respect me, and everything up until this point has been- effortless with yall as my crew."
"Nah I'm gonna stop you right there, San. When I tell you that you haven't done anything wrong? You need to believe me. I've talked to a few other outside people, to vent and get a outside perspective. They have always told me, that what we're- what you're doing? Isn't wrong. They are in the wrong. Don't let what she said sit with you like that. Meaningless words, remember?"
"Then why is there always so much push back? Why is it that everything I do, is somehow wrong?" Santana ashed her cigarette and took another one out to light. "It's just exhausting."
"Do not change what you do, San. Do not let them bully you into changing your style of leadership. I want to emulate the type of leadership you have. I would never ever treat anyone the way they treat us. What they said in there, was completely wrong. The NCO Creed is what any SGT should follow and it's obvious they've forgotten that."
Santana knew she had a point. So why was she suddenly second guessing herself? She has the support from everyone. From the entire AM shift, from SFC Puckerman. Literally from anyone who knows the situation going on within PM Shift. Which is frankly- embarrassing. Everyone is grown. A whole adult and yet somehow the environment was giving very much high school.
Brittany walked up the stairs and stood behind Santana, placing her hands on her shoulders.
"San, I respect you. But bring this shit up again, this second guessing yourself crap? I'm gonna have to smoke you myself."
They both laugh.
"Whoa there, SPC. Be careful before I drop you right now."
"Your wish is my command, Chief. You want me to bend over? I will right now."
Santana pushed Brittany off her. "Man shut the hell up what did I tell you about that?" She said as she started laughing.
"Come on. Let's put on Band of Brothers. We still need to finish that." Brittany said as she got comfortable in her chair. "Plus, you gotta text Puckerman to tell him that the meeting was shit. I'm sure he'll be here in thirty minutes."
Santana turned her computer on and began to play the fourth installment in the Band of Brothers series. She shot a text to SFC Puckerman and he replied with, on my way.
She looked over at Brittany, who was fixing her bun. This soldier of hers, has been her solid right-hand man since she became one of her soldiers. Kept her sane, feet on the ground. Reminded Santana multiple times that she was a good NCO. How could she have made it this far without her?