The New Year passed quietly, with only Mother joining us at the house to toast with champagne. My monthly had come on strong, so I was reluctant to venture too far from a hot water bottle and had to send my regrets to Oscar at not being able to make the party his family was throwing. I had written that I was ill, but hadn't stated the reason. The day after I had sent my regrets a massive flower arrangement had arrived, white camellias and daisies dominating the display. A card from him had been included, simply signed Oscar. I had smiled to see it, sighing. Will had looked at the display, examining it where it sat on my mantel. "White flowers?"

"Oscar always likes to send messages through his flowers. Never enjoyed writing cards, he always wanted me to figure it out. He sat in with Liz when her governess was going over all of them, he always likes to learn the different ways of communicating. Especially if they're different from basic language, although he knows his fair share of those." I remembered the flowers he had brought before he left, proclaiming my beauty, his admiration and his desire for our relationship to blossom. I touched the daisies, "See, these mean friendship."

"That had better be all that they mean." Will grumbled, but he shook his head. "Continue."

"And the camellias, perfected loveliness." I brushed my fingers against their delicate petals, and pointed out the last of the flowers to Will. "And camomile, overcoming adversity. Taken together, they are a wish from a friend to overcome my illness and return to my health."

"Seems a bit complicated. I would have sent over something you could have actually used to get better, maybe some soup." He cast one last look at the flowers before coming to pour a cup of hot chocolate for me. I practically had a pot of it up here every day. Winter had come roaring in with a cold snap that had left enough snow to almost sink the ships at dock. Every one of the Dalian ships now had at least one man shoveling off the worst of the snow every hour. It had meant that Will's departure was delayed though, so he was here to see me through the pain that had erupted the other night. He let his hand linger on mine as he passed the cup over. "He couldn't just write that on a card?"

"Well, us ladies are taught to send messages to each other with flowers." I sipped the thick chocolate. "If the recipient doesn't understand the message she might just display them and not realize that she's been slighted. I've seen some women do it, and once it gets explained to them, they can't show themselves for weeks."

"Your set makes everything so complicated."

"We have too much time on our hands." I sighed, settling back into my chair. "We have to come up with things to occupy us during it." He raised an eyebrow. "Alright, the social obligations are a bit old fashioned, but it's what we have to do to fit in and be seen to be doing the proper things."

A corner of his mouth quirked up. "And is bringing your fiancé into your house before marriage proper? Or marrying a sailor?" The honest answer to that was no, none of what we had been doing was proper and he knew it. By all rights, if we were going to do everything proper, he'd be living in an apartment and taking me to dinners with Mother to escort us. I wouldn't have visited him in his house and practically ripped his clothes off and begged him to take me to bed.

"Who said I've always been concerned with propriety?" I giggled, "So long as I do most of the social niceties, I get forgiven a few eccentricities. Like you."

"Oh, I'm an eccentricity then?" He chuckled, and standing, took my hand and pulled me across and into his arms. He pulled me tight against him, "Just something that took your fancy, like a new lamp?" To be quite honest, he had taken my fancy. From the first time I'd seen him, I had thought him handsome. Then I had gotten to know him, and he had my heart, my whole heart.

Which he knew.

I burrowed further into him, he was so warm, especially now that he had begun to wear his thick wool uniform jacket inside. "Of course, you're new and exciting. Why do you think Mrs. Astor likes you so much?" I felt him grumble a bit at that, but he pressed a kiss to my head. I sighed, "Well, we only have a few months left."

"Five."

"Right." I let my eyes close, "Five more miserable weeks for me, and then maybe I won't have to deal with it for awhile."

His arms shifted me in his lap, "What would you want first? A boy or a girl?"

"First?" I cracked an eye at him, to see him grinning at me. "Getting a bit excited, darling?"

"I've always wanted enough children to crew a small yacht. We managed it on our own, but I think with four or five hands we could let them sail while we relax." He smirked at me, "Send them off with their governess while we retire to the cabin down below and work on a new little sibling for them."

"After five children I would hope you'd let me relax." I snorted, "I think I would want a girl, first. Boys always seem so troublesome." I looked to him, "What about you?"

"So long as they're healthy and you make it through, I'll be the happiest man in the world." His hand snaked around to my stomach, currently soft and smooth under his hand. "And as long as they have you as their mother, they'll be the luckiest of children." I brought my own hand around to wrap my fingers around his. "But Ana, I don't want you to feel that you should immediately get with child."

"Don't you want that?" I settled into the crook of his shoulder. "Most men seem like they can't wait to see their wives pregnant."

"I do want to see you like that, because I know you'll be a wonderful mother and I want so badly to be a father, but not so soon. I want you to enjoy just being a wife for some time." He let his fingers rise to brush through my hair. "I want it to happen as it will, not because you're trying for it. Ada always was." He drew me a little closer at the mention of her name. "She tried so hard, and I could see it break her every month. I told her it didn't matter, that I would love her no matter what happened, but I could see she didn't believe me. I don't want you to be like that, I want you to be happy."

"And I want you to be happy." I replied, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "And it sounds like you would be happy to be a father."

"I would." He nodded, "But I don't want to lose you just to gain that happiness. I am happy with you, Ana, regardless of what will happen, that will never change." He brushed his fingers along my cheek, "I want us to have children, I want to have a family, but you're a part of it. I don't want to have to find a third wife."

"Would you?" I had to admit I was curious. While it wasn't as common for mothers to die as it had been, it wasn't unknown. "If I died having a child?"

He was quiet for a long time. "I would live for the child, but if both of you were gone, I can't-"

"Shhh." I clapped my hand over his lips. "Don't finish that. I shouldn't have said it." I wound my arms around him, pulling myself tighter to him. "We shouldn't even think of that, we're going to have however many children we're going to be blessed with and we'll raise all of them together." I heard him chuckle, tightening his arms around me. "I don't ever want you to think of that again."

"I will try. Perhaps if I had a distraction. We could discuss names?"

"Let's wait for that until we know one is coming. My God, it's cold in here. Could you throw another log on the fire?" I shivered against him, batting my eyelashes. "Although, perhaps if you opened your jacket and let me get a bit closer to you, well, it might warm me some." I was already toying with the buttons as he brought his hands up to help.

It had started as a cough a few days after Will had wired that they had arrived in Southampton, but it was nothing unusual during the cold winter months. At Peggy's urging, during the night I stayed inside near a fire and drank a few more cups of tea before retiring early. I felt fine though, and kept making my trips to the offices. It seemed most of the staff had a cough, although they kept plugging away. Mr. Keller gave me a look when he came up to see me still swathed in my heavy coat as I reviewed the papers he had left. I looked over to him, "What?"

"Miss, you're awfully flushed." He walked over, looking down. "Perhaps you should head home and rest."

"I-" I broke off into a flurry of coughs, wetter than the light tickle that I had felt before. "I feel fine."

He stepped closer, pressing his hand to my face. "You're burning up, Miss. I'm calling your house and getting your carriage sent back." He held up a hand to interrupt me when I tried to speak, only to break off into another rough of coughing. "You're as stubborn as my daughter, and if I have to treat you like a child, I will. Stay in here where it's warm until the carriage arrives." The way he stood outside my door when he came back made me think the he would have locked it if he had had the key. He all but bundled me into the carriage, and told the coachman to take me straight home.

Peggy was all aflutter as she brought me inside. "I knew it would get worse, I just knew it."

"I'm sure it's just a cold." I replied, although I kept my coat on until I reached my rooms. A roaring fire had been stoked up, and Peggy quickly had me out of my clothes and into a bath. I had to admit the camphor she was liberally applying to the water was nice. "I'll take a few days to rest, it should stop soon."

"Hmph, I believe that when I see it." Peggy rolled her eyes, "I'm heading down to the kitchen for some boiling water. You'll be inhaling a good deal more of that camphor before you head to bed. On a full stomach, I might add." I couldn't gainsay her, greedily breathing in the scent of the camphor as it soothed the coughing. By the time she was back with a pot of boiling water and a bowl of beef stew the camphor had faded, and I was coughing hard enough to slosh the water around the tub. She had me quickly dried and in a clean nightgown, pulling my dressing gown over it and throwing a blanket over my shoulders.

I didn't put up much of a fight as she forced my head over the boiling water, the scent of camphor strong, but underneath it was mint and eucalyptus. A towel as thrown over me to keep the steam in, and it was only when the water had stopped steaming that I was practically stuffed with stew, dosed with peppermint tea loaded with honey and whiskey, and then ordered to bed. Peggy's face was screwed up as she brought over a hot brick, wrapped in flannel. "I'll send word to your mother, and call for a doctor to come tomorrow." She looked up, "Should I have word sent to Mr. Murdoch?"

I shook my head, my mind swimming as I felt like I would fall asleep at any minute. The whiskey had been rather strong. "No, I don't want to worry him. I'm sure I'll be better by the time he returns." I had expected to sleep like the dead, but instead I woke throughout the night, shivering and burning in equal measure. What dreams I had were wretched, memories and thoughts of what might have been tormenting me. By the time Peggy arrived with a bowl of oatmeal for my breakfast I was covered in shivering and covered in sweat, and my very bones seemed to ache.

"I'll call the doctor right away." Peggy left the oatmeal on the breakfast tray, and I managed a few spoonfuls down in between bouts of coughing. I hoped Peggy wouldn't notice that I'd left what I'd coughed up in the napkin. It was thick and hard to breathe through, I just wanted it out of my mouth and it was the only place to spit it out. To be quite honest, all I wanted was to be left alone. I didn't want Peggy and a doctor bothering me. I just wanted to curl up in the dark and be miserable. I couldn't exactly refuse it though, given that my throat was so raw that it hurt to talk. Peggy wrinkled her nose at the bowl when she came back. "Your mother is on the way, as is a doctor. Anastasia, you need to eat more."

I shook my head, coughing.

"At least go get into a bath, I'll get these sheets changed and have you all tucked back in by the time your mother gets here." She sighed as she removed the tray, and I slowly made my way out of bed and to the bath. Peggy came in to apply more camphor to the water, and she sponged at my forehead with a cold cloth. "Your mother is waiting by your bed, let's get you out." I could only nod as she helped me to get out and dry. She had even brought a clean nightgown for me to wear as she gently herded me back to bed.

Mother had already pulled back the blankets. Her hand felt cool and smooth as she felt along my face. "Such a fever, what have you given her Peggy?"

"The same things I got when I was sick like this, warm hearty food and drinks to try and calm her." Peggy looked over as Mother began to tuck the blankets around me. "I've been applying camphor as often as I can, but she already can't talk."

Mother clucked over me for awhile, until the doctor finally arrived. I could make out a bearded face, a pince nez on his nose. He set his bag by the bed and took Mother's chair as he began to gently probe at my throat. I tried not to flinch as he did. He looked over to Peggy, "How long has she been ill?"

"She's had a cough for a few days, but the fever started yesterday." Peggy shifted on her feet. "Her appetite has gone down too, she barely touched her breakfast."

"Hmm," The doctor pursed his lips as he pressed his hand to my forehead. He rummaged in his bag for a moment, pulling out a thermometer that he stuck under my tongue. He waited to see the measurement before speaking again. "Her fever is high, but not dangerously so. I can leave something to help her sleep, that's the best thing for it at the moment. And make sure that she eats as much as she can, otherwise she's going to get worse. Make her drink broth and water, she'll need it." He replaced the thermometer in his bag, pulling out a bottle and setting it on the night stand. "Laudanum, don't dose her too highly now. If she gets worse, call me." He stood, nodded to all the ladies and then exited.

Mother sniffed at the bottle. "Laudanum, is there nothing else he could prescribe?"

"It will make her sleep." Peggy shrugged, picking it up. "I'll give it to her at night though, Mrs. Dalian." Mother stayed for a little while longer, and her hand was soothing as she brushed my sweaty hair back onto my pillow. After she left I drifted off to a restless sleep, and that seemed to be the mode for the next few days. Peggy would have me drink a small glass of laudanum at night, which meant that I fell asleep immediately. Rigel had been allowed back into the bedroom to comfort me, and he was even allowed to curl up next to me when I slept. It was not restful sleep that I was getting, I was dead to world at night. In fact, I must have seemed so because one morning I awoke to a pair of strong hands shaking my arm.

"Ana, Ana wake up!" Will sounded frantic, and I blearily opened my eyes. My vision swam for a moment, the light blues of my bedroom swimming together and a figure in navy by my side. He had thrown himself down next to the bed, and I could see tears in his eyes. I blinked, reaching out a hand to him. He gripped it tight enough to hurt. His voice was breaking as he spoke. "Ana, God Ana, why didn't you tell me you were sick?"

With my other hand I floundered for a piece of paper and a pen on the night stand, my method of communicating for the last couple of days. I did not want you to worry. I'm not dying, the fever is better today than it has been.

He reached up, brushing aside my sweaty hair. "You're still feverish."

"She was much worse earlier, Mr. Murdoch. The doctor left something to help her sleep so she could recover." Peggy said, bringing in a pot of ginger tea with plenty of honey, her remedy to soothe my throat. "I found her covered in sweat and shivering one morning, even the laudanum hadn't managed to get her to sleep well. She slept for a whole day after that." Rigel padded in behind her, coming over to press against Will and whine briefly.

"An entire day?" Will squeezed my hand tightly, rising to sit on the bed. "Ana, my God. You should have made that doctor stay until you were better." His eyebrows quirked up for a second, his face firming. "I will go find him, and drag him here if need be. And I won't let him leave until you're better."

I flailed to grab him, my arms weak as he tried to stand. When he looked to me, I shook my head, feeling helpless. I didn't want him to leave, not now. All I wanted was him by me, and I clawed my hands around his. Peggy, a smile on her face, shook her head. "I can ring for him, but he said to only call him if she got worse. She's improved, but not by much so he probably won't come unless she takes a turn. I'll bring up some chicken soup, best thing when you're sick."

Will only left briefly, long enough for me to drink a cup of tea before he came back in with a pile of blankets that he proceeded to bundle me into. It was only after he came back with a hot brick that he put at my feet that he pulled a chair over to the bed. I tried to breathe as deep as I could, my voice barely a whisper. "Will, don't leave."

"Oh I'm not going to." He grunted, but his voice softened. "But why wouldn't you have wired me?"

"Didn't, want you to worry." I took another deep drink of ginger tea. "You could not," I wheezed in a breath, "Have come any faster than you did." I swallowed thickly, glad that I could see Peggy bringing a tray with the soup on it. I sat up, hungry for the soup. It smelled of chicken, garlic and rosemary. I hadn't been able to smell for a few days, it was heaven to inhale those scents.

Will intercepted me as I went for the spoon. He only raised his eyebrows, scooping up a good portion and holding it out to me. "Ana, let me."

"Will," I brought my hand to my throat, it had pained me to say that.

His other hand covered mine, his fingers gentle on my throat. "Eat, don't talk." I complied, swallowing the spoonful. He continued talking as he brought more up for me, "When you weren't at the dock, I thought maybe you'd been held up. Maybe you were with Liz. I was a bit disappointed, I'm not going to lie." He paused for a moment as I dabbed at some broth that had fallen onto my chin. "And then I got here, and Peggy says that I should try and be quiet because you're sick." He set the spoon down, removing the tray for a moment as he sat on the bed, pressing his forehead to mine. "I've never been that scared in my life, Ana. Not even after the iceberg. I knew my duty then, I knew what I could do. What I should do. But to lose you? Or to at least think that I might?" He had to take a moment to collect himself. "I have no idea what to do, what I can do to fix this. I'm lost."

I could see a tear form in his eye, falling onto his cheek. "I'm terrified, for you, and for me." I threw my arms around him, trying to hold him closer. I felt him breathe in, "You know what you are Ana? You're my harbor, where no matter what is going on I know that if I come to you, I'm safe, I'm happy." His arms were around me, his face in my shoulder. "I can't lose you like I lost Ada, without someone by me I'm lost."

I was crying by now, part out of guilt and part out of love for him. When he pulled back, I couldn't speak, I could only hold his hands close and shake my head. He squeezed my fingers, "You have to tell me next time Ana, you have to promise me that, or I am going to sit here until you are better and lecture you about how selfish you were." I rapidly nodded my head, grabbing my paper. I promise Will, I'm sorry. I didn't want to worry you but that was foolish.

Tears were still making tracks down his cheeks. "It was foolish, but you're my fool." I fumbled with the pen in my hand. I was worried that I would distract you, but I know you always try to come back as quick as you can so I figured you could do nothing else to get here quicker and you would worry yourself sick. He chuckled as he read it over. "You said that before. I suppose there really wasn't anything I could have done to get here quicker." You're not that strong of a swimmer, although I have no doubt you would try your hardest.

"Mr. Murdoch, you need to let her rest." Peggy bustled in, nodding in approval at the empty bowl. "Although if you can keep her eating like that, I might just let you stay."

"Oh, I'm staying Peggy." Will stood, freeing up space that Rigel immediately took advantage of. He curled himself up on the rug by the bedside, his tail thumping. Will brought the bowl over to her. "I'm not leaving until she gets better." I wrote quickly and waved the paper in the air. He turned, reading it briefly. "If you're not better by the time I'm to leave again, then I will be sending my regrets to Captain Fraser that I will be missing this trip."

"Dear Lord above," Peggy snorted, "He's utterly hopeless." She had picked up the tray, but stopped for a minute by the bed. "Miss Anastasia, he's going to be here for nine months straight soon enough."