Disclaimer: I only own the plot and my OCs. Anything you recognize as not mine belongs to Marvel Studios, Disney, and/or their otherwise respective owners.

Author's Notes: Hey, y'all! Hope everyone is staying cool. Heat wave has left me pretty miserable so I haven't gotten as much writing done this week as I wanted to. Ah, well. C'est la vie, right? .

Slight CW for this chapter: Penny makes a choice in this chapter that I honestly wasn't expecting to write. I'd played with it before, but I hadn't felt I could do it justice up until I both upped the chapter count (did it again too, lol) on this and dealt with some of my own feelings on the matter. I've tried to portray it as gently as possible while also preserving Penny's unreliable narrative, but...if you've experienced stuff like this, it may be a bit hard for you to read. Just saying.

Chapter title comes from Born To Die by Lana Del Rey, btw.

Hope y'all enjoy, and until next week,

~TGWSI/Selene Borealis

Alternative Chapter Title(s): dead girl walking (Heathers song)

~the heavy souls 'verse~

~heavy, dirty soul~

~chapter 19: born to die~

Penny packed her bags.

Well, she packed a bag. She filled it up with her Lolita clothes and some toiletries, along with a few pictures of her mother and Richard. Of herself, too, way back when she had been normal and not what she was now. The rest of her things and the apartment, she washed and carefully removed every strand of hair and print from or, in the case of her laptop and phone, downloaded the contents of onto a flash drive before wiping their contents completely. The Avengers were going to find this safe house one day, after all, and she didn't want them to make any connection between Penny Parker and Lolita. Even though they inevitably would, one way or another.

The Spider-Woman suit, she folded into a box to be sent to the Avengers Tower through the mail. She put a typed and printed note inside it, repeating again that she was giving them the best thing she possibly could. Lolita was not going to be a problem for them anymore, not in New York anyways, and Spider-Woman was going to retire. It was two problems, or so they probably thought, solved in one. They weren't going to have to worry about her anymore.

I'm sorry.

When she was done a couple of days later, on Saturday afternoon, Penny slung her bag, which now contained the box the Spider-Woman suit was in too, and put on the Mets hat and scarf she'd worn on the train ride to Washington DC. She took a look around the apartment she'd been staying at for the past eleven months, at the opera mauve covers on her bed, the couch and the electric fireplace in the living room, and the sleek kitchen appliances she'd never had any use for, save the times when she needed to ice her wounds. Despite everything, she still somehow managed to smile at the sight of it all.

Her mother really had tried to make a home for her, no matter how temporary she'd intended it to be.

But in the end, her efforts just simply weren't enough.

Shaking her head, Penny walked out the front door and locked it, before she placed the key back behind the brick where it belonged. Then, shuddering in a deep breath, she headed off towards Queens.

She had two errands to run that night, before she left New York altogether.

The first was to the cemetery. She hadn't been there since...well, since before her mother had died, but somehow it was just like how she remembered. Penny walked down the rows and inhaled the mid-November air that brushed past her and ran through her hair, until she came to the gravestone that she was looking for.

Richard J. & Mary E. (née Fitzpatrick) Parker

June 5th, 1968 – December 23rd, 2009

May 10th, 1974 – December 18th, 2015

Brother to Benjamin and Sister to May

Parents of Penelope

"Hey, Mom. Hey, D – Richard," she said softly as she sunk to the ground in front of them, her fingers ghosting over the letters of their epitaph. She had to brush past a small bouquet of flowers in order to do so, an eccentric mess of anemones, blue flags, and asters. She smiled at the sight; if she had to guess, they had been left by her aunt May, though obviously she couldn't say for sure. She had never met the woman. "It's...it's been a while, huh?"

She tried to imagine what her mother would say to that.

Hey, baby, Penny heard her say inside her mind. Yeah, it's been a while. How are you doing?

"I'm – I'm good," Penny said. Then laughed, smiling at her attempt to lie to the dead. "I mean, not really, but I'm getting there. That's...actually why I'm here. I wanted to talk to you about something."

Talk about what?

"Tony and I," she paused, placing a lock of her hair behind her ear, "we're not going to work out. I know you wanted us to, along with May, but things...happened. And I think he hates me now. He should, I mean."

He's your father, Penny. He could never hate you.

She bit her lip. "He does. He doesn't realize it, but he does. So, I, um, I'm leaving New York, for my own good. I don't think I'll be coming back soon. Or, well, at all. Ever. I guess that means this is goodbye."

Penny –

"I'm sorry. I wish I could do what you wanted me to do. I wish I could be what Tony wanted me to be. But I can't."

Hastily, she stood up, before the voice of her mom could say anything else.

"Goodbye, Mom. Bye, Richard. I love you."

It was dusk by the time she got to her second errand.

Harley was waiting for her. He was sitting in his armchair, his gauntlet sitting on his lap as he presumably tinkered with it, and looked up when she arrived. Utter relief shone on his face, but it was soon followed by something else as his lips settled into a hard line. "Hey," he said.

"Hey," she replied, hooking her legs over his windowsill.

He put the gauntlet back on his desk, but didn't get up. Which was a good thing, because that was right where she wanted him. For now. "I've been really worried," he murmured. "You said a lot of things to Tony, Matt, and Natasha, or so I've heard, and then you didn't come over here the past couple of days. I thought..."

"I know." Walking over to him, she stood above him like an angel of death. Her hand cupped his cheek; he leaned into it. "I'm sorry."

"You weren't serious with what you told them, were you?" he asked. "You...you told them that you were going to give up Spider-Woman and leave the city. But you didn't mean it, right?"

"I was angry, really angry. I needed some time to think," she admitted softly. "I had to get some clarity."

His eyebrows furrowed. "Clarity about wh – ?"

She didn't let him finish his question.

Leaning down, she kissed him on the lips. They'd done this before, probably not nearly as many times as he'd wanted them to, but it was what it'd had to be between her being a vampire and her memories of Skip. Each time, their kisses had been short and sweet, closed, like she was much more innocent than she really was.

This time, however, Penny gave it her all. The feeling of him was hot, searing, and magnetic, the strangled whine he let out in surprise like music to her ears as she deepened the kiss. He was perfect, every bit of him, from his brown-and-blonde hair to his deep blue eyes, from his signature grin to his irritating snark, from his metal leg to that stupid way he wrote his 'H's with two diagonal slashes. He was everything she'd ever wanted, but couldn't have.

He was everything she didn't deserve.

When it was time for him to come up for air, she broke off the kiss. He stared up at her with wide eyes, panting heavily. "Penny, what the – ?"

She didn't answer him, not verbally. Instead, taking a step back, she took off the Mets cap, her scarf, and her jacket, letting them all fall to the floor. Her shoes were next as she slipped them off, and then she hooked her fingers underneath the hem of her shirt.

At once, Harley realized what was going on. He stood up, carefully wrapping his hands around her wrists. Of course, they wouldn't prevent her from lifting up her shirt anyways, but she did pause long enough to glare up at him. "Harley – "

"Penny, stop," he whispered. "Please, stop."

His tone was gentle, not angry, yet it still cut something deep into her. Her vision became blurred with tears. "You don't – you don't want this?"

He shook his head. "No, I want this. I know I shouldn't, but I do," he told her, letting go one of her wrists to wipe at the wet skin beneath her eyelids. He inhaled a deep breath through his nose. "But it's not a matter of my wanting, Penny."

"Is it your mom and your sister?" she asked, frowning. She didn't hear their heartbeats so she knew they weren't currently home, but...

"No, they're at a parent-teacher conference. They...won't be back for a while."

"Is it protection, then? 'Cause I told you, I haven't had my period since – "

"Penny, do you want this?"

She blinked in surprise.

Perhaps – no, probably, it shouldn't have surprised her. Skip had never asked her when he had done those things to her, the same things she was about to do willingly, if she'd wanted them, but Harley wasn't Skip. He loved her and always respected her right to say no, whether it was with a kiss, a touch, or telling Tony, Matt, and Natasha about who she was. He always cared about what she wanted. With Skip, it had never been about what she'd wanted at all.

But she wanted this, she told herself; she thought she had made that obvious with their kiss. Leaving New York City might not have meant the end like staying and letting the Avengers find out who she was would, one way or another, but it was still an end. She wasn't going to be Spider-Woman anymore and, she supposed, she wouldn't be Penny Parker, either. She was probably never going to see Harley for another time after this, regardless.

And she didn't want her last memory of him to be them bickering at the Washington Monument after she had saved his life, or even one of the many times they had simply hung out in his room or on the rooftop of his apartment. She didn't want her only memories of these things, of...sex to be of what Skip had done. She wanted good memories of it, too. With Harley. She wanted to be able to pretend that there existed a future where they could be together, just for a little bit.

Because Harley was more than just her first and only friend, or her...boyfriend. He was the love of her life, and it made her even more of a horrible person than she already was to admit to that, but he was. She wanted him, and:

She wanted this.

(It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the truth, either.

...Since when had she gotten so good at lying to herself, on top of everyone else, too?)

"I want this," she told him. "Trust me, I want this."

Harley tenderly kissed her forehead. Then, bringing his one hand back down, grasped at the hem of her shirt himself. "Okay, Penny," he said shakily, and it was impossible for her to tell what he was thinking right at that second. There were simply too many emotions in his tone. "I believe you."

Penny cried.

It started off well. Harley let her be on top, something which she had never been allowed before. At first, he didn't touch her. Her hands roved over his body, taking in every detail so she could memorize them, from the moles scattered around his torso to the seam on his right thigh where flesh met cool metal, but he didn't touch her as his hands fisted his sheets. She didn't like that, so she grabbed one of his hands and put it where she wanted it to go. No words needed to be exchanged as he obviously understood what she was showing him, but there was still a tentativeness to his movements after that made her want to both laugh and cry.

But that wasn't when the tears came. No, they came later, after it was done, and she was staring up at the ceiling of Harley's room and the glow-in-the-dark stars that were there. Her shoulders shook; hurriedly, she placed a hand over her mouth to stifle the sobs that were trying to burst forth.

She didn't know why she did it. Harley was not blind, and the movement of the bed made it obvious as to what she was doing. He turned on his side, his arms slowly wrapping around her. Though she initially flinched back at the feeling of him for the first time in months, she burrowed her head into his chest gladly, the pain they were sharing so poignant it was almost palatable.

"Shit, Penny. What can I do?"

Wordlessly, she shook her head.

How could she explain it to him? How could she tell him there was nothing he could do? She just – she hated being Penny Parker so much, with every fiber of her being. She hated being Lolita. If she hadn't been either of those people, she wouldn't have had all of the memories of Skip that she did. She would have been able to have sex without crying because of them, or how the first time that she actually wanted sex was also going to be the last. And she wouldn't have had to have sex for the last time at the age of fifteen, because she wouldn't have been in this position. Nobody else except for Penny Parker would have survived that spider bite and been forced to drink blood in order to survive. They would be dead and in the ground, radioactive food for the worms.

...Well, so much for any happy memories involving the act.

Harley let her cry it out. He drew meaningless figures on her back with his fingers, trailing up and down her spine, and hummed a soft tune. She recognized the song it came from easily, even before he actually began to sing it, too.

"Oh, Ms. Believer, my pretty sleeper, your twisted mind is like snow on the road..."

When he was about halfway through the song, her shoulders started to stop shaking. By the time he was finished, they had entirely.

"Better?" he asked.

She sniffled. "Sure."

He snorted. "That's a lie." The two of them pulled apart just enough that he could hold her hand. "What are you going to do, Penny?"

She closed her eyes.

It didn't take a genius to figure out what he was talking about.

Sure enough: "I know what you've said before and what Tony told you. But I promise you, once you tell him and Matt and Natasha who you really are, they're not going to – "

"I'm not going to tell them anything, Harley." She pulled herself up into a sitting position, making him let go of her hand, and grabbed her shirt, shorts, and pair of underwear that had been discarded at the end of the bed. Quickly, she began to pull them on, though the action made her heart ache painfully. "I didn't do this because I decided I was going to."

She saw out of the corner of her eye the utter shock that appeared on his face. "No," he breathed. "Penny, please, don't – "

"I did this to say goodbye," she said over him. Standing up, she reached down and grabbed her jacket and other things off of the floor, slipping them on. "I – I'm sorry, Harley. I'm leaving New York, for good. I just wanted to have one last memory of you before I – "

"No! No, you can't," Harley hissed. He stood up from the bed and began to put on his clothes too, although he wasn't nearly as fast as she was. He also walked forwards, as if to stop her, but she easily ducked underneath him to head over to the window. "Penny, I swear to God – "

She sighed. "Harley, I don't have a choice."

"Bullshit!" he cried. Turning around, he stumbled towards her again, nearly tripping over his bed. "You just came over here and had sex with me! Do you think if the Avengers really wanted to bring you in, they would've let that happen? They want you to stop killing people, yeah, but they don't want to throw you into the Raft or kill you, or – or whatever else you think they're going to do. You told them that you can't eat regular food, and while Tony is mad at you, he's trying to fix it, because he's your – "

"It doesn't matter that he's my father!" Penny snapped, letting out a hot puff of air. She didn't want to fight him on this, but it seemed she didn't have a choice. "And he can't 'fix' me, nobody can! I'm a monster, Harley!"

His face paled. "N – no, you're not. Don't say that."

"I am," she repeated. "So, this is goodbye. I'm sorry, Harley. I...I love you so much, and I always will, but I've gotta let you go, for your own good."

Before he could say anything more, she jumped out of his window. Climbing up the wall of his apartment, she reached the rooftop, where she'd placed her bag before she'd gone down to visit him for the last time. She grabbed it and then, before she could change her mind, jumped off the rooftop for another one, and then another, and then another. Harley's voice called out to her the entire time, ringing in her ears, but she didn't care about that.

She just wished her tear ducts would get the memo.

Penny didn't stop running, whether it be on rooftops or down alleyways, until she got to the one warehousing district in Brooklyn. She sat on top of one of the warehouses there, her head bowed down to the light of the waning gibbous moon as she keened.

So she remained until, from beneath her, she heard a sound that didn't belong, since the warehouses here she knew were ones that were pretty much abandoned. The sound was followed by eighteen words that made her very sludge turn cold:

"Everything looks good, Boss. They're set to take off from Stark's Tower."

"Good. Everything looks good here, too."

The Vulture. Shit.

...Well, it looked like Spider-Woman was going to go out with one final bang.

"Hey! You surprised?"

"Ah, hey, Spider-Woman. I didn't hear you come in."

"Trying to break into the Avengers Tower, really? Well, too bad. It's over. I've got you."

"You know, Spider-Woman, I really admire your grit. I can see why my daughter likes you. You've got the fighting spirit."

"Why are you doing this to her?"

"To her? I'm not doing anything to her, Spidey. I'm doing this for her."

"Huh, yeah, I can totally see that."

"You're young, Spider-Woman. I can tell. You don't understand how the world works yet."

"Yeah, maybe, but I understand that selling weapons to criminals is wrong!"

"How do you think your buddy Stark paid for that Tower, then?"

"He's not my buddy!"

"No? What about any of his little toys? How do you think he paid for them? Those people up there, Spider-Woman, the rich and powerful, they do whatever they want. People like us, you and me, Spidey? They don't care about us. We build their roads and fight their wars and everything, but they don't care about us. We have to pick up after them. We have to eat their table scraps. That's how it is. I know you know what I'm talking about."

"...So what if I do? Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I wanted you to understand. And, admittedly...I needed a little time to get her airborne."

. . .

. . .

"Did you just seriously try to knock me out and fail that miserably?"

"Not really. For what it's worth, I'm sorry, Spider-Woman. I didn't want to have to do this."

Word Count: 3,296

Next Chapter Title: into dust