A/N: TW – as if this whole fic isn't that already – this chapter in particular looks into Izuku's experience a bit more. It doesn't go into great detail but does go over some of the things he endured.

Izuku had arrived at the agency an hour early after taking some time to breath and wake himself with cold water to the face from a park drinking tap. Coming into work early was nothing new to anyone who greeted him like everything was normal which it wasn't and no matter how much he tried to fake it, his smiles felt stiff even to himself and his mind unfocused.

Unfocused enough for Izuku to know patrolling alone would have been a mistake, not that he had been out without a partner since Katsuki's stabbing – no one was allowed out alone after that – so he milled around the office, pretending to have something worthwhile to read on his computer screen until the rest of the heroes he shared his shift with started to trickle in, exchanging reports and pleasantries as they slowly exchanged places with those leaving.

"You alright man?" asked Eijiro from behind Izuku and he almost jumped out of his seat the red head had been so silent, or more so Izuku had been so lost in his own thoughts – thoughts of Katsuki – that he hadn't noticed.

"You've been reading that same page for a while now," commented Eijiro and Izuku turned in his seat slowly to face the red head who stood with a hand on his hip and a raised eyebrow, "you all good today man?" he asked again.

"Yeah I'm fine" Izuku tried but Eijiro just frowned down at him.

"Mhm, sure" the red head mused, "how about we patrol together today and you can talk to me about it?"

"Uh, no that's fine. Thanks but I'm all good. Really" Izuku tried but Eijiro's frown deepened into something less amused.

"I wasn't asking man" Eijiro suddenly grinned and Izuku gave a wobbly smile in return, "if something's up you gotta talk about it otherwise nothing's gonna get better. And I know you, you'll just be chasing your own tail up in there won't ya" he raised a hand and rapped his knuckles against the side of his head and he wasn't wrong. Izuku wasn't the best at sorting out his own thoughts and feelings when he got carried away with them, they tended to just pile atop one another until he felt too overwhelmed to even try to unpack it all. Katsuki kissing him was just another layer to add on top of his already troubled mind.

"Alright," Izuku conceded, his smile coming a little more easy, "it'll probably do me some good" he rose from his seat, already changed and ready to go.

"Yeah man, that's the spirit" Eijiro grinned at him and it did make Izuku feel a little more at ease that the red head was so open and laid back all the time.

They headed out together, walking side by side and nodding greetings and throwing smiles at the civilians who looked their way as they patrolled their route.

"I'll be honest, it hasn't been easy," the red head smiled and rubbed at the back of his head, "working totally opposite shifts is hard. Feels like we hardly get to spend any time together outside of our one day off we share. Whenever we do see each other it feels like one of us is always sleeping. Luckily for me though, she's pretty damn cute when she sleeps" Eijiro's smile grew into something more warm and affectionate as he thought of Mina.

Izuku had started their patrol with some lighter conversation and Eijiro had respected that, not demanding to know what was buzzing around Izuku's head right off the bat, which he greatly appreciated. Hearing Eijiro talk about everyday things was a good distraction but the mention of their relationship brought Katsuki back to the forefront of Izuku's mind and it must have showed because Eijiro dared to ask about it.

"So what's up with you? You seem even more off than usual today. Did something happen?" the red head kept a warm, approachable smile on his face as he broached the topic.

"Yeah," Izuku admitted after a moment, "remember the conversation we had at the hospital?" Eijiro nodded, "it's kinda to do with that"

"Only kinda?" Eijiro raised a red eyebrow. Izuku twisted his lips into a frown.

"Okay maybe more than just kinda" he rolled his eyes more to himself, "the guy I like kissed me"

"What?! But that's good right? Why aren't you happy about it?" Eijiro burst out, eyes wide with excitement for Izuku.

"I hadn't expected it" Izuku admitted, "I didn't even think he liked me and then – just – out of nowhere" he shrugged.

"What did you do afterwards?" Eijiro asked with bated breath.

"I just kinda left" Izuku winced. After he had calmed down he realized it had been the wrong move to make but his mind was already in so much turmoil over other things that at that moment he just hadn't had it in him to process what had happened.

"You left?!" Eijiro yelled before he tipped his head back with a dramatic groan.

"Dude," he came back to face Izuku, raising an arm to halt their patrol, "why'd you just leave? Did you say something at least?"

"Well, no, I didn't know what to do" Izuku felt shame wash over him.

"Hold on," Eijiro planted a hand on his hip again, "so you like this guy?" Izuku nodded and Eijiro raised a finger on his other hand

"You have for a while now?" Eijiro asked.

Another nod and another finger went up.

"And he kissed you?"

A nod. A third finger.

"And you just left without saying anything?"

A much smaller nod and Eijiro lowered his hands and stood straighter, his smile replaced with a more concerned expression. People walked around them like water flowing past a rock, they received a few glances but no one bothered them. Probably thinking it was some important hero conversation being had.

"I felt overwhelmed," Izuku jumped to his own defense but even to his own ears it sounded weak and pathetic, "I didn't expect it and I didn't know what to do"

"Well for starters leaving without saying anything was not the right move," Eijiro rolled his eyes with a small smile as he stepped back to be beside Izuku and they started up their patrol again, "secondly, why were you so shocked by it, I mean if you like the guy you've probably thought about kissing him before"

"I know" Izuku whined.

"Then why is it so hard to believe that he likes you too? If he's wanting to kiss you too then there would have been signs"

Izuku frowned to himself, eyes on the pavement before his feet as they went. Had there been signs? Sure Katsuki had been nice to him since finding him drugged in his own bed, super nice in fact, but he was only being nice because of what had happened to Izuku right and because Izuku had no one else to turn to and rely on.

"I'm not being nice to you out of damn pity alright"

Katsuki had been annoyed when Izuku had asked the question and of all things Katsuki wasn't a liar, not even for the sake of someone else's feelings. It was one of the principles the blonde practically lived by followed by 'no one can make me do anything I don't want to'. Katsuki was stubborn and brutally honest but he lived by his own standards and values and backed down to no one no matter the reason.

So maybe there had been signs and Izuku had just been blind to it from thinking Katsuki was only being so caring out of pity, because he was all Izuku had and he was playing the part but really, that just wasn't Katsuki.

Katsuki had been supporting him all this time. Protecting him, staying by his side, letting him into his home, his bed, holding him when Izuku felt like he was falling apart. Katsuki did care, he just showed it in his own ways. The blonde had never been one for pretty words and sentimental feelings and god forbid conversations around said feelings but Izuku was so in his own head on the best of days let alone in the last few months that without Katsuki saying the literal words he would have been blind to it regardless. It was Izuku's nature to try not jump to conclusions and to give the benefit of the doubt, with Katsuki especially because all through their years together, jumping to conclusions had led to things exploding in Izuku's face literally. So Izuku had made up excuses for Katsuki's behavior. The pity was a prime example.

And on top of all that, the last few nights alone Izuku had literally been going to bed cuddling up close to Katsuki and yet he had still not allowed himself the thought that Katsuki had been reaching out to him just as much and allowing the contact because he liked it. After so many years of burying his feelings for the blonde he had simply barred off that train of thought from his mind.

But now that wall had been broken and Izuku suddenly couldn't unthink it.

"You're right," Izuku whispered, "there have been signs," Izuku suddenly cupped his face and tipped back his head with a groan, "how have I been so stupid?!"

"Stupid, no," Eijiro felt the need to point out, "oblivious at times, yeah" Izuku leveled him with a glare but it did nothing to Eijiro who was used to Katsuki's heated glares now.

"I'm just agreeing with you," the red head chuckled, "everyone knows you get in your own head sometimes to the point that you don't see what's happening right in front of you. It's what we all love about you though, so don't feel bad about it"

"You mean everyone accepts it," Izuku dared to correct, "they wouldn't love me for it" Eijiro shrugged with a smile that spelt the truth and Izuku sighed.

"What should I do then?" Izuku asked with defeat and Eijiro perked up beside him with renewed energy.

"You really want my advice?" he grinned with joy.

"You do have a girlfriend," Izuku pointed out, "that already miles ahead of where I'm at" Eijiro's grin widened.

"Well, first of all, talk to him" Izuku frowned, "I know it feels daunting but it's all you can do. Apologize for leaving. Explain to him why you left and how being kissed made you feel. End it on a positive note though. You gotta wrap it all up so it's a good ending" Eijiro nodded to himself thoughtfully and from experience no doubt.

"Alright," Izuku thought out a mental plan of attack on what he would say and do when he faced Katsuki next, "thanks Kirishima" he smiled to the red head who waved away his gratitude happily.

"Thank me when it works out" he gave Izuku a wink.

Unfortunately though what plans Izuku had made vanished from his mind later that evening when he finished his shift and exited the agency's front doors back in casual clothes to find Katsuki waiting for him just outside.

"Kacchan?" Izuku called out, approaching the blonde with some caution as he walked over to meet him where he leaned against a wall with crossed arms, "what are you doing here?"

"I came to get you, isn't that obvious" Katsuki spat back with narrowed eyes. He pushed off of the wall, shoved his hands in his pockets and started to walk. Izuku matched his pace, gazing around them uncomfortably. During his shift he had planned out what he would say and in what order but all of that had just turned to a jumbled mess in his head.

"You didn't have to come get me" Izuku commented and Katsuki scowled. Wrong move.

"If I didn't you probably would have just run back to your own place" Katsuki threw back.

"I wouldn't have" Izuku argued. In all honesty, before his talk with Eijiro he would have for sure.

"Yeah right" Katsuki rolled his eyes and continued to scowl ahead. They fell into an awkward silence. Izuku had to get this right. He knew Katsuki – not as well as he thought he had but he knew his habits – no doubt the blonde was angrier at himself more than he would be at Izuku and so he would automatically be on the defensive. And everyone knew Katsuki's best defense was offense.

"Look, Kacchan, I –" Izuku paused, the street quiet and mostly empty and Katsuki came to a stop just a step ahead, turning on his heel to level with Izuku.

"I'm sorry," the blonde spoke over him, his scowl gone and replaced with a serious look, "I shouldn't have kissed you," Izuku's breath caught in his throat, "I shouldn't have done it without asking" Katsuki turned his gaze away almost in an act of submission, something Izuku had seen very few times. The blonde opened his mouth again to further his apology when Izuku jumped in instead, raising his hands and waving them between them as he did.

"It's fine!" he blurted and Katsuki narrowed his eyes on him.

"No it's –" the blonde began to argue when Izuku stepped closer, waving both hands close enough to Katsuki's mouth for the blonde to take a step back.

"No, it's fine. I mean it," Katsuki's eyebrows lowered in questioning, "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have just left like I did. I should have stayed. I should have said something but I was confused and overwhelmed and I didn't know what to do so I just left," he lowered his own eyes now, "I'm sorry"

Before him Katsuki closed his eyes and let out a long breath through his nose. Izuku lowered his hands.

"You're right," Katsuki conceded, "you're an idiot"

"I never said that" Izuku threw back, eyes snapping back to Katsuki's.

Katsuki stepped closer, his eyes holding Izuku's.

"You're an idiot," Katsuki enforced, "and I'm an idiot too. I won't do it again, okay. I just didn't want you putting yourself at risk by not coming back because of my stupid mistake. I'll sleep on the couch for the rest of the week if I have too, I don't care, just as long as you come back and stay safe"

"Only a week?" Izuku dared to press, the corner of his lip lifting in a smirk and Katsuki threw a scowl back his way when he picked up on the teasing.

"Forget it" Katsuki turned to head for home and Izuku hopped to catch up.

"C'mon Kacchan" Izuku mock whined.

"Whatever" the blonde threw back and Izuku couldn't held a smile touching his lips.

"Hey Kacchan," he hadn't followed Eijiro's advice through to the end yet. Katsuki stopped and looked over his shoulder at Izuku, annoyance obvious on his face at the hold up again. Izuku held his gaze.

"I liked it," Izuku confessed, "I just hadn't expected it was all"

Katsuki's jaw tensed and his eyes quickly scanned Izuku up and down like he was suspicious of something. Heat flushed Izuku's cheeks and he couldn't hold the gaze any longer letting it drop to his feet.

"Fine," Katsuki finally spoke up, "but I won't do it again unless you want it" he added on with enough force to make a point of it and remained standing where he was till Izuku dared to glance up again. It may have been a trick from the surrounding street lights, but Izuku thought he saw a tinge of pink there before the blonde lifted a hand in offering. Katsuki held his gaze, jaw visibly clenching and unclenching as Izuku glanced from his face to his hand and back again.

"Are you going you take it or not?!" Katsuki snapped and Izuku threw his hand forward to place it in Katsuki's who gave a huff of approval before turning to lead them back to Katsuki's home.

Izuku didn't really know what to think or feel after making it back to Katsuki's. The blonde was busying himself with making them a meal while Izuku was perched on the couch, hugging his knees and lost in thought, completely ignoring the news playing on the tv before him.

He liked Katsuki.

Katsuki apparently liked him. He still hadn't heard the words spoken yet so it still was only a mild possibility in his own mind but for now he was going to push forward and think like it was true.

And if it was true then what did that mean?

Would they become a couple or were they practically a couple already considering Izuku was living and sleeping with the blonde?

They weren't sexual with one another – a thought that made Izuku's stomach do a flip – but Izuku knew sex didn't make a relationship so he berated himself for his mind wandering to that subject of all things.

What would happen when Izuku's stalker was caught? Izuku could return home. He would miss Katsuki for certain but he didn't want to intrude on the other man's life more than he already had.

"You can even stay after that"

Had Katsuki been asking him to stay?

No. Izuku shook himself to set himself back to ground zero. He was getting carried away again, getting sidetracked. First he had to know how Katsuki truly felt and what he wanted from it before he let his mind run rampant with some fantasy happy future with Katsuki. He had fawned over the blonde for so many years that he didn't want to let those walls down and get his hopes up. He didn't want to be left disappointed. There could be various reasons as to why Katsuki had kissed him. He could have done it as a desperate move to comfort him or used it as a way to convince Izuku to stay even after the stalker had been caught. It was possible Katsuki had already known of Izuku's feelings towards him and was planning to use them as a tool to keep Izuku living with him –

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Izuku grit his teeth and shook himself. He was getting carried away again. Katsuki wasn't deceitful. Katsuki wasn't s liar. Katsuki didn't do anything he didn't want to do. Katsuki wasn't a manipulator either. All of those things just weren't Katsuki. He knew that all to be a fact.

And Izuku knew he was only thinking such stupid things because he was being cautious. He was approaching Katsuki's possible feelings like he would a villain. He would consider all possibilities, even the more farfetched ones and then work out his best path forward from there. He had always had an active mind and imagination growing up, he was an overthinker to the point of self-irritation such as now because it made him nervous and indecisive at times. And he did not want to be dealing with any of that now.

He shook himself yet again and steeled his resolve. He just needed to talk to Katsuki and ask him directly what the kiss had meant to him. Otherwise he would drive himself mad and never sleep again.

"Oi!" Katsuki barked and Izuku sat at full attention, his feet dropping down to the floor, "are you gonna get your ass over here and eat or keep staring at the tv like a weirdo?" Izuku turned his head to see their late dinner laid out and gave a small, cringy, apologetic smile. Katsuki was unamused. Izuku stood and approached, Katsuki taking a step back as he came closer and diverting his eyes until Izuku sat and then Katsuki went to do the same. It was an abnormally submissive and subtle behavior for the blonde to do but perhaps Izuku thought Katsuki may have been feeling awkward himself.

They ate. Izuku showered again having skipped it at the agency after staying out a little later with Eijiro before he came back into the living space dressed in Katsuki's loose shirt and slacks with a yawn. He felt extra tired considering his lack of sleep and the mental episode of coming to terms with Katsuki kissing him. Overall he was ready for bed but then there was the questions he needed answers to and there was Katsuki himself, someone who would have put themselves to bed hours ago if not for Izuku. He wouldn't have been surprised if the blonde had decided to sleep while he had been in the shower, yet there he was, sitting on the far side of the couch and frowning at nothing in particular till Izuku entered the room and his red gaze turned Izuku's way.

Izuku steeled himself with a deep breath and came around to sit on the other end of the couch, positioning himself with his back against the arm and one leg hanging off the side while the other folded onto the sofa, his hands gripping at his ankle to take up the role of his own moral support as he wrestled to make his mouth work and form words.

"W-why did you kiss me?" Izuku asked, his face instantly flushing at his own directness and turned his gaze downward. Katsuki was quiet for a moment before offering a response.

"Because of that damn face you made," Katsuki grumbled in return, "I hated it"

Izuku glanced upwards only to find Katsuki looking in a different direction and looking irritated. He thought about it, narrowing it down to how he had felt, the expression he made without realizing and the words said that had triggered it. He clenched his own jaw at the memory and downcast his gaze to his hands again.

"So you kissed me because you –"

"I kissed you because I f- bloody wanted to!" Katsuki spat with such intensity Izuku tensed, peeked upwards again and this time Katsuki had half risen, turned his face and looked utterly pissed.

Slowly Katsuki lowered himself, making an effort to calm himself before he dared to speak again.

"I wanted to kiss you," he spoke far more quietly, "just not like that" he turned his face away with what could be described as a pout but when it came to Katsuki it was still too aggressive to be that. Izuku lifted his gaze and Katsuki saw it out of the corner of his eyes, red iris' flicking Izuku's way before looking wayward again.

"I didn't mean to alright; it was a mistake. I wanted to kiss you but not because you were being miserable or whatever. I didn't know what else to do when you pulled that stupid face. I didn't even realize I had till I was already doing it"

"Then," Izuku began, trying to be courageous, "why did you want to kiss me?" he almost winced as he spoke the words, worried Katsuki would bite at him again but instead the blonde closed his eyes and took a long deep breath before he opened them and turned to look to Izuku. He had felt that Katsuki had been preparing himself for something but as the seconds ticked by, Katsuki made no move to say anything and eventually Izuku submitted when he turned his gaze away having grown uncomfortable as those red eyes searched him for something.

Feelings had never been the blonde's strongest attribute and they both knew it. Whatever Katsuki had thought to say he gave up on, either it being too difficult for him to say or him thinking that it should be so obvious it didn't require being said. Both were equal possibilities in Izuku's mind and without Katsuki actually telling him, he was back to square one.

The only thing Katsuki had clarified was that he hadn't kissed Izuku out of pity which was something at least, he supposed. But it wasn't enough. A full minute passed with neither of them moving or saying a word and Izuku was tired so he made the first move, rising from the couch.

Izuku turned away and Katsuki's eyes followed him with an almost pained expression. The greenette was almost to the bedroom door when Katsuki yelled to him.

"Because I like you alright?"

Izuku froze, blinking at the empty expanse before him before he turned on his heel to look to Katsuki who had risen from the couch. The blonde's fists were clenched at his sides having blurted it out despite himself so Izuku wouldn't have misunderstood and the discomfort wouldn't continue.

"What?" was all Izuku could manage as he stared back at Katsuki with wide green eyes. Katsuki bared his teeth and rolled his eyes with annoyance.

"You heard me" he snapped.

"Y-yes. I know. But I don't understand" Izuku clarified, his nerves growing inside. Katsuki lifted his hands almost to pull at his own hair before he dropped them again to stomp around the couch and come to a stop a couple of feet from Izuku.

"What do you mean you don't understand?" he hissed to Izuku, "what the hell is there to not get?"

"It's just –" Izuku bit off his words and tried again, "you like me?"

"Did I not just bloody say it" Katsuki snapped back, "how can you be this god damn dense?"

"No, I just don't understand why –"

"Why what?!" he raised his hands in annoyance and stepped closer. Izuku stepped back.

"You don't understand why I like you or you don't understand why I said it?" Katsuki pressed with a snarl coming closer. Izuku stepped back, crossing the threshold to the bedroom.

"B-both" Izuku answered, eyes still wide and glued to Katsuki as the blonde came closer and Izuku moved further back bit by bit. Katsuki threw his arms up over his head, red eyes going wide with disbelief.

"I can't believe you," the blonde yelled, "I answer your damn question and it's like you weren't even listening" he growled out, hands falling back to his sides.

Step forward. Step back.

"I. Like. You" Katsuki jabbed at Izuku's chest with each word. Izuku's back pressed against the far wall of the bedroom and Katsuki was right in front of him, only mere inches of air between them. The blonde's eyes narrowed again as he searched Izuku's face, his still shocked expression. He raised a hand to press to the wall beside Izuku's head on one side.

"Did I ruin this?" Katsuki asked low, just above a whisper.

"No" Izuku answered in a hurry. He didn't want Katsuki to misunderstand, not after saying so much, Izuku just had to get his thoughts in order first and –

"And here I thought it was me you liked," Katsuki hissed low to himself and turned his face off to the side, "Idiot!" he looked hurt and Izuku couldn't bare it.

"I do!" he blurted out and Katsuki's red iris' flicked his way, "I do like you," Izuku clarified, "I just wasn't expecting any of this"

Katsuki's head turned back to face Izuku slowly, his anger washed away and replaced with something more serious and thoughtful. Izuku's lips pressed into a wobbly line of uncertainty.

"So that sap talk with Shitty Hair was about me?" Katsuki asked to clarify, eyes narrowing. Izuku only managed a hum and nod. Katsuki's eyes narrowed further and Izuku felt heat creep up the back of his neck when he recalled how uncertain he had sounded during that conversation.

"Sounded like you didn't even know if you liked me or not" Katsuki remarked and it hit like a small dagger.

"I do like you" Izuku insisted, "I just wasn't sure if that was what liking someone felt like or not"

"You seem pretty certain of it now" Katsuki almost teased, like he was trying to push Izuku's buttons on purpose. He lifted his second arm to the wall to close in Izuku on both sides. He leaned in an inch.

"I am" Izuku agreed firmly. Katsuki's face tilted to the side slightly, eyes still narrowed in thought.

"That means you think of kissing me too" he more stated than asked. Izuku swallowed the lump in his throat and Katsuki seemed to get closer and closer. Something in the blonde's eyes softening, the narrowing of his eyes becoming less thoughtful and more focused on Izuku before him with an intensity that made Izuku's heart pick up its pace.

Katsuki was so close Izuku could feel the warmth of his breath, their noses almost brushing. Katsuki's lips parted ever so slightly but his eyes never closed, studying Izuku's every reaction for a sign it was okay but Izuku's lower lip trembled and he lowered his head a fraction. The movement had been so slight yet Katsuki read it for what it was and pulled back. The intensity in his eyes dropping away as he looked Izuku over with a more relaxed expression. Izuku both appreciated Katsuki stepping away, his hands coming away from the wall, and hated it. He loved Katsuki. He wanted to be with Katsuki but in that moment he had felt trapped and pressured and he didn't want to kiss the blonde just yet. There were still so many thoughts, concerns and insecurities whirling around in his head he wouldn't have been able to enjoy it to its fullest even if the blonde had persisted. But Katsuki had respected his choice even if Izuku hadn't been sure of it himself.

A thought of his own seemed to cross Katsuki's mind and suddenly his eyes darkened and his lips pressed into a firm frown.

"Did he – " Katsuki cut himself off looking uncertain of how to put his words.

"He didn't!" Izuku blurted out, "he never kissed me. Not there" he added more quietly, suddenly unsure if he had picked up what Katsuki had been intending to ask.

"He never kissed me on the lips" Izuku clarified gently. That man had done many things but his mouth had never once touched Izuku's own which had been a huge relief. He had left marks on his neck down to his thighs with his mouth but had left Izuku's face untouched for whatever reason.

It wasn't as though Izuku hadn't kissed before so his first kiss was far behind him but he felt a small pang inside his chest that Katsuki had thought of it, had considered how being kissed would make Izuku feel and as a result the blonde looked relieved to hear it. Izuku wondered just how much of that man was stuck inside Katsuki's own head too if he was going to worry that every little thing he did would remind Izuku of his attacker or make him uncomfortable. Katsuki had already been testing those boundaries and tearing down those walls though Izuku realised. Katsuki had been both respectful and continuously testing Izuku's limits this entire time and over time Izuku had grown more comfortable with his touch, his arms around him and being close. He wondered if that had been the blonde's intention or if it was just a part of Katsuki wanting to get closer to Izuku after all the bad had happened.

That just added more thoughts to the growing maelstrom inside his head.

Katsuki lowered his head to gaze at the floor between them.

"I've been thinking some selfish shit" the blonde confessed and Izuku blinked with surprise. Izuku wouldn't call wanting to kiss someone you liked selfish if you were being respectful about it.

"You're not selfish Kacchan" Izuku came forward off the wall, his urge to comfort Katsuki taking over. He didn't want the blonde feeling negative about himself, not over this but Katsuki shook his head.

"Everything that bastard did to you, I've wanted to know so I could –" he clenched his jaw, "so I could do those things to you"

Izuku froze, chest tightening at the mere thought. But Katsuki had pulled away from kissing him, there was no way Katsuki would attack him like that and force himself on him. Katsuki snarled to himself and shook his head harder.

"I know that sounds shitty but I hate that he touched you. I hate that he did those things to you," he lifted his gaze, red eyes burning and Izuku clenched his jaw, not knowing if he would have to push Katsuki away in the next moment or not. He didn't want to fear Katsuki, he trusted him but his words were frightening and confusing. Izuku hadn't yet put on his quirk collar so he could –

"Everything bad he did to you I want to replace with something better. With me. I hate the thought that you'd hate those things forever just because of that bastard" he spat the words. Despite the blondes anger and frustration lacing his words Izuku felt a wave a relief wash over him. Katsuki wasn't going to do anything to hurt him and he felt he could cry at the mere frustration that he had even considered Katsuki hurting him like it was a possibility in the first place.

His relief was apparent in how Izuku's shoulders sagged and a sigh escaped him. Katsuki's anger suddenly washed away as his attention fell back to Izuku sharply.

"Deku?"

Izuku let his eyes close and he leaned forward till Katsuki caught him in his arms.

"You're right, that did sound shitty"

Katsuki grumbled apologetically in return. Izuku stood up straighter, pulling away from Katsuki enough to look him in the eyes. The blonde kept his hands on either side of Izuku's arms lightly as he did.

"I like you Kacchan, I have for a long time but there's a lot to think about" Izuku confessed, offering a small smile in a hope to comfort the blonde. He paused, thinking how to best explain what he meant and list the things he felt he had to organize first mentally when Katsuki surprised him.

"It's fine," the blonde told him and Izuku's smile widened till his eyes radiated the warmth he felt for Katsuki and the blonde glanced away which only made Izuku feel warmer inside.

"Can we just go to bed now" Katsuki spoke up when Izuku only continued to smile his way. The greenette snapped out of it and turned for the bed, face growing warm.

He put on his collar and wriggled under the covers while Katsuki got in on the other side.

It was awkward for a moment.

"Come here" Katsuki spoke up to break the silence and Izuku obliged by turning and shifting close. Wordlessly Katsuki laid out an arm and Izuku nestled in closer, resting his head atop the blonde's bicep, daring to drape an arm over Katsuki's middle and brought his legs close enough to rest beside the other man's.

"Better" Katsuki remarked and they fell back into a much more comfortable silence.

But some concerns kept Izuku awake as they swirled around in his mind, pestering him again and again until he stopped to explore them.

As far as sexual and romantic touch went, kissing Ochaco – and now Katsuki he guessed – were as far as that went and touching himself too. His attacker had changed all of that though, taking away so many of his firsts.

His first hickey and bite mark. His first time someone else had touched him with the intent of arousal. His first time having sex. His first time being kissed across his body. His first time someone else had made him cum. He felt disgusted by it all and he worried more than anything else that those negative experiences would carry over to something new.

He liked Katsuki and was thrilled to know that the blonde liked him in return but he hadn't been able to enjoy the revelation like he should have. He worried that if Katsuki – or anyone – touched him he wouldn't be able to enjoy it and that his mind would only think of the time the snake eyed man had done the same thing to him. Katsuki meant a LOT to Izuku and he didn't want to put that kind of strain on him. He didn't want to upset or disappoint Katsuki if he couldn't enjoy what he might do. Knowing Katsuki, the blonde would only become frustrated and explosive if he were to try something and all Izuku could do was tremble from his bad past experience or cry over it. That wouldn't feel good to anyone. If they liked each other, that meant they could date – if Katsuki wanted to that was – but Izuku felt guilt already over what that may or may not entail.

Kissing and being kissed by Katsuki would be one thing. As far as Izuku was concerned kissing on the lips and face was a clean surface having not been tainted by that man. There was no link between Katsuki kissing him there and a negative experience. Izuku might get nervous over it and flustered, sure, but it wasn't a poisoned surface that could ruin them both.

Anywhere else though.

That man's lips had trailed down Izuku's neck and across a good portion of his body and Izuku didn't want Katsuki to kiss him there. In his mind his skin had been dirtied and he didn't want Katsuki to become dirty from the contact. It didn't matter how long Izuku showered for and that the marks had long since disappeared from his skin, he knew they were still there just lying beneath the surface ready to seep through and poison who ever dared to touch them.

That man's hands had glided across Izuku's entire body except his face. They had wrapped around his throat, pinched at his chest, squeezed at his waist and caressed his dick. Everywhere that man's hands had touched were just as dirty and poisonous as the marks his mouth had left on his skin. Those hands and fists had left many marks on Izuku's skin as a punishment if ever a weak, desperate sound had escaped from Izuku's throat.

On top of all that, Izuku was contaminated on the inside. Even with protection Izuku felt disgusting inside and out. That man had been inside him and ruined him. If Katsuki liked Izuku the same way the greenette liked him, then sex would have been on his mind at some point but who would want Izuku now that he had been ruined. His insides were toxic and he doubted he would ever want anyone to go there ever again.

Since that night, Katsuki had touched Izuku. He had wrapped his arms around him in an embrace, something that no longer made Izuku's spine stiffen in defense but he had rested a hand upon Izuku's waist once also which had made Izuku's breath catch in a bad way so he wasn't immune to it just because it was Katsuki doing it. Even being hugged by Katsuki had taken time to get used to, so perhaps Izuku could work up to such things and let Katsuki do the selfish things he wanted to do. Maybe it would be good for both of them. Katsuki would get what he wanted and Izuku could build himself back up to being alright with the contact and maybe being alright with Katsuki touching him would bleed out into the rest of his life so he wouldn't have to keep dodging his friends and mum. But that was probably just hopeful thinking. He didn't want to do that to Katsuki of all people. He didn't want to use the blonde as a way to slowly regain his sense of his own body. He didn't want to ruin Katsuki with that.

Izuku's thoughts had only managed to run him into the ground mentally but at some point exhaustion won out and his eyes finally fell closed.

A/N: Yes, Katsuki is not a liar, but what's that I hear... "Katsuki didn't tell Izuku about the photo" it's not lying if no one asks the question and why would Izuku ask about a photo out of the blue, something that he isn't aware even exists (yes he remembers parts of the event but not all, including photos being taken of him because even though the camera had been pointed right at him, Izuku was so out of it and traumatized that his eyes were open yet unseeing because sometimes your mind just wishes you to somewhere else when bad things happen)

I would also like to note the mention of Izuku coming at the hands of his rapist. It happens. Even when the touch isn't wanted, even when the circumstances are all wrong and it is a horrible experience that no one should ever have to endure, arousal still happens. The body reacts the only way it knows how, and it can feel like an utter betrayal and that in itself – feeling like your own body has betrayed you – can be mentally damaging. There have been court cases where the attackers have attempted to escape their possible sentence by claiming that the victim enjoyed it. The fact is that they didn't, but their body just did what it's programmed to do like getting hard or wet when touched. It doesn't happen to everyone in those circumstances, but it can and there is nothing wrong with that – other than the fact that they are being attacked in the first place of course.
I just really wanted to point that out because it is a common misconception around rape and abuse.