AN: CW for depression and implied suicide attempt. It's not graphic, but this whole fic is just kinda sad (as if the chosen songs didn't give that away, lol), so feel free to skip it if it might be upsetting or triggering in any way. Tomorrow's fic will be happier, I promise!
Sonorhc sat on the cliffside staring unseeingly at the endless gray that seemed to surround her on all sides. The sky, the sea, the very cliff itself, were all gray, just like her mood. Inside and out, there was no pitch black or blinding bright, just fog and mist and misery, a hazy, cloudy gray. It was like a smoking gun or an eclipsed sun. She was breaking down like the rocks at the base of the cliff, worn away by the ocean waves.
She was tired, so very tired. She wanted nothing more than to join the dead she used to bring up from their graves. An eternal dirt nap beside them, that sounded nice…But someone kept pulling her back. Interestingly enough, it was the girl known as Reaper, associated with the scythe. She twisted her metaphorical blade into Sonorhc's shirt and back, preventing her from leaving.
Reaper kept her in a sleepless, eternal night. Without the black of the night sky or the white of the moon, Sonorhc was left with nothing but a gray that felt too dark to be awake in, but too light to be asleep in. She couldn't move forward or backward because of Reaper. Reaper took all the wind out of her sails, leaving her in a windless flight. How much longer would she be able to last like this?
She flashed back to just a week ago when she was standing on the cliffside rather than sitting on it. She screamed into the stormy void below, "Give me a reason!" A reason to jump, or a reason to stay? She wasn't sure. She heard both of her voices, singing from above and below, then Reaper cut through like a knife, leaving her frozen to the mountain.
Although Sonorhc didn't say it at the time, there was only one thing she could think about later: Your hopeless love's the only hoax I believe in.
Her carefully laid plan to slip away when no one was watching, and to leave an impact as small as possible, came crumbling down like the stones on the cliffside. With just a slight movement of her hand, Reaper reached out, grabbed her by the back of the neck, and pulled her away from the edge. Now all that was left of Sonorhc was a barren, planless, plotless land, much like the top of the gray, empty mountain itself. If Reaper was a fire, Sonorhc was nothing but the ash, both weaker than the inferno and all that was left once it was done raging through.
But, she supposed, if she had to see a world in only shades of gray and blue, she didn't want any other blue than Reaper. Sonorhc was glum, despondent at yet another winless fight, but she supposed that if her bad mood had to come from anywhere, at least it was from Reaper saving her life. Granted, though, she wasn't sure if that was a victory or not. She never had the courage of conviction, so maybe that was why she failed.
Even though Reaper wasn't there, Sonorhc spoke to her. "You know I left a part of me back in the past. You knew the hero died, happy ends never last." It was a death even she couldn't recover from and resurrect. "You knew it still hurts underneath my scars from when they pulled me apart…" Sonorhc fingers curled around the edge of the cliff as anger and anguish flood her mind in a sea of memories. God, depression was a bitch.
One of the most annoying parts was that she didn't even really have a "reason" to be. That was something else she'd stood on the cliffside, screaming for. She wanted to know why. She was just so sick of the endless gray! In her opinion, that was true despair. It was a sadness so deep and profound that no matter where she went or what she did, the endless gray followed her around. It felt like she could never escape it, not that she had much energy to even try anymore. Now, she was almost willing to stay in the gray, because trying to move was just too unbearable.
That was depression, to her, the ultimate stagnation of the mind, body, and spirit. The only sort of "passion" she had anymore came in bouts when the depression would rear its ugly head and "give her a reason", although to add insult to injury, sometimes the reasons weren't even that good. Her most recent was wondering if she might be aro-ace. That, in and of itself, was not the problem.
The problem was wishing that she could be "normal". She wanted to taste a sweet romance and know what it felt like to be held by someone she loved deeply. But try as she may, she could not control her feelings. No matter who she loved, and no matter how intensely, it was never in that way. Who would ever want someone like that, a partner that was forever standoffish because she didn't desire to take it a step further?
But then she'd feel guilty for being ashamed of her sexuality. Why couldn't she just be happy as she was? She didn't used to be like this either, as far as she could recall. When and where did it all go wrong, and why was she having such a hard time adjusting? It felt like such a trivial thing to be depressed over, too. Champagne problems, first-world problems, that's all that they were.
Eventually, she decided she was done dragging the rest of the world down with her misery. Only she would sink beneath the waves. She could only hope nobody would notice or care if she didn't come back. She pulled the car off the road to the lookout, could've followed her fears all the way down, but then suddenly, there was Reaper.
Sonorhc didn't quite know what to say, so all she said was, in a hopeless voice, "I just wanted you to know…this is me trying."
People said all of her cages were mental, as if that didn't make it just as hard as, perhaps, a physical one. Then her depression would manifest as anger, words shooting to kill when she was mad. That was just another thing to hate herself for. Maybe it was for the best that she was asexual. She probably wasn't the best person to be in a relationship with anyway…
Oh and look, she was spiraling again, a dark dance with her darkest thoughts. It was hard to be anywhere these days when thoughts like that kept popping up at random, unwanted but unabating. She felt like a hamster stuck in a wheel, but it wasn't a shiny one, it was rusting.
Then, a bit of fire returned to her, anger. "You knew the password, so I let you in the door. You knew you won, so what's the point of keeping score?" Reaper wasn't keeping score, but Sonorhc was. All she could imagine was Reaper, alternatively gloating or relieved, that Sonorhc was still six feet above rather than six feet under.
Sonorhc hated thinking that she'd lost. She hated being glad that Reaper won. She hated thinking that this would just be another tally mark for Reaper, and against her. And not only that, but…
"You knew it still hurts underneath my scars from when they pulled me apart," she repeated, accusing Reaper. Reaper knew how much the depression was killing her slow, and yet Reaper still had the audacity to drag her back to life. "Yes, what you did was just as dark. Darling, this was just as hard." Sonorhc foolishly thought it was supposed to get better after Reaper saved her life.
What should be over still burrowed under her skin in heart-stopping waves of hurt. Why did she feel the same as before? Wasn't everything supposed to be better, happier now that she was saved? If anything, she almost felt a little worse, angry that her attempt failed. Coming back to life hurt as much as dying, she thought. Now she felt like an open wound and all she wanted was Reaper. Her only one…
Reaper was the only one who came to the cliffside, giving Sonorhc her reasons and begging for them in return. Her scythe caught Sonorhc in the back and dragged her away from the edge. In that one moment, Sonorhc watched her underworld kingdom dream come undone. She felt like a broken drum, heart pounding unevenly in her chest. Reaper completely beat her down, beat her heart, won her over, and brought her back to life.
Brought back to the present, Sonorhc suddenly remembered a line from a book she once read back in grade school: "It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you." Sonorhc supposed that if she was destined to be depressed, then at least she was glad that it was Reaper. No other sadness in the world would do.
And she couldn't help but wonder if it was fitting or ironic that, as a Necromancer, her "death song" was where and when she felt the best about herself and most alive. Before her windless flight, she finally felt like she was doing something right, then Reaper came. But Reaper reassured her that she wanted Sonorhc to hang around. Right in her lowest moment, on the clifftop, Reaper lifted her up even higher and sank all of her fears.
I'm not cut out for this world. Sonorhc thought tiredly. She wanted to go to the lakes or the sea, running with the water, but this time she wanted to stay above it, with Reaper by her side. I don't belong, but, my beloved, neither do you. This salty air peak is really the perfect place to cry, so here I am, but I don't want to go anywhere else without my muse.
She wanted auroras and sad prose, wanted to bring back the dead Wisteria and watch it grow right over her bare feet. She hadn't moved, or even had the energy to try, in so long…The endless gray made it hard to tell how much time had actually passed, she just wanted to feel rooted in something again, wanted something lively by her side once more, even if it was only the flora and fauna of nature.
And I want you right here, Reaper, the only bit of color in my life right now, my shade of blue and my red rose that grew up out of this ice-frozen ground, my cold and aching heart, and there's no one around but me to see it. She imagined herself and her companion bathing in cliffside pools, no longer on the peak and screaming down into the void. The water would run over her body, surrounding her and Reaper, just like her calamitous relationship with life and death, and her insurmountable grief and love.
Then suddenly, she was there again, as if Sonorhc's mere thoughts had drawn her in.
"Hey, there you are!" Reaper sounded as cheerful as ever.
"Hey, Reaper. How'd you know I was here?" Sonorhc asked, voice much more subdued by comparison.
"Well, I couldn't find you anywhere else, so I figured you had to be here!"
"You were looking for me?"
"Of course!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry. I wasn't going to…"
"No, I know, I trust," Reaper shrugged. "I was just lonely and bored without you, so I decided to see if you wanted to spend some time together."
"Oh, did you have anything in mind?" Sonorhc was too surprised and touched to trust herself to say anything else.
"Nah, not really," Reaper plopped down beside Sonorhc. "These salty air peaks looked like the perfect place to cry, so I had feeling you'd be here, and I was ready to set off, to be with you, my muse. Like I said, I just wanted to spend time with you. I don't have any other plans or ideas."
Silenced reigned over them and Sonorhc felt tears burn her eyes, but none of them fell. She just focused on feeling the body pressed up against her own and reveled in the soft scent of her friend. For just a moment, more fire returned to her, but this time it wasn't just bitter fire.
I've come too far to watch my insecure mind tell me what is my life worth? The Necromancer thought, feeling a little more alive and hopeful with each passing second that she was beside Reaper. Maybe they didn't belong anywhere else, but they belonged with each other.
They continued to sit in silence and Sonorhc slowly realized it was the silence that only came when two people understood each other.
"…Reaper?"
"Hmmm?"
"Would it…? Would it…be enough…if I could never give you peace?"
"'Course, you know I like an exciting life. Wouldn't want it any other way. Trust me, buddy, you got a friend in me!"
"But…you know the rain is always going to come when you're standing with me, right?"
"Good thing I like dancing in the rain!" Reaper said cheerfully and Sonorhc felt her throat tighten again. Her eyes finally started to grow wet.
Take me to the cliffs where all the poets went to fly, and as I sat on the cliffside looking out for a reason, I realize your endless love's the only thing I believe in. Don't want no other shade of blue but you. No other sadness in the world would do. In this world, I don't belong, but beloved neither do you, so I'm setting off, but not without my muse.
At least she was trying. At least she was still alive, for another day. For right now, with only each other's company, that was all that mattered.
AN: I know this isn't super related to Pride, but since this anthology kind of doubles as my "diary" over the past year or two, I felt it necessary to include. It was somewhat based in reality (minus the actual attempt), and to be fair, basically every queer person I know is depressed, so…But don't worry, tomorrow's fic will be happier, I promise! And I'm doing much better as well, so don't be worried!
Also wanted an excuse to use THESE OCs of mine, and when I got really into "Hoax" last year, I really did feel like it fit Sonorhc so well.
Also also, sorry this chapter wasn't "22" LOL. Hope no one was expecting it. I just couldn't think of a good story to go with it. Although, trivia fact, I graduated and turned 22 this year. So I'm the class and age of 22 in 2022 LOL!