Organisational Octopus
Death – also known as Ruby to her friends – leaned over Weiss's shoulder and lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "Weiss... have you noticed the kraken in the middle of your realm?"
Weiss – also known as Bureaucracy to her enemies – glanced up from her paperwork. "Ruby, it's my realm. Of course, I've noticed the kraken in the middle of it although he really does prefer the term Octopus of Unusual Size or OUS since the term kraken comes with so many negative connotations due to all of the shipwrecking, people eating, island sinking, and general villainy that some of his fellows have been responsible for in the past."
"Kraken are one of the leading causes of mortal deaths at sea although I think the leviathans have them beat so far this year. Then again, it's still pretty early. There's plenty of time for them to even the score." Ruby rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "But why is there an OUS in the middle of your realm?"
"It wouldn't be fair to ask Acht to work on land. He is an OUS. They're at their best in the ocean, and since my realm is as big or as small as I want it to be, adding an ocean to it was trivially easy. Besides, he's my first organisational octopus. I want him to be as comfortable as possible."
"Organisational octopus?"
"Yes. It occurred to me recently that you not only have the Grimm Reaper Corp to help you reap souls but also the watchdogs of the Abyss to help keep an eye on the Abyss. I thought it might be time for me to add some of my own Divine Beasts to help stay on top of all the paperwork around here."
"But an OUS? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but why not a penguin or something?" Ruby asked.
"Ruby... have you seen penguins? Wait. Of course, you have. You had to reap a whole bunch of their souls after that unfortunate mishap with their petition for the ability to fly."
Ruby shuddered. "So many dead penguins..."
"In retrospect, approving their petition was something of a mistake. On the upside, we yanked approval before the penguins could wipe themselves out and before the ostriches could get their petition approved. Penguins falling out of the sky was bad enough, but can you imagine if it had started raining ostriches? Good grief. There would be dead mortals everywhere, and we'd have to explain to them that, yes, they died because an ostrich fell out of the sky and landed on them. It would be a complete debacle."
Ruby winced. "That would have been really awkward." And it would have been her responsibility to explain things to any unfortunate mortals since she was Death.
"Also, penguins don't exactly have hands, and they really only have two limbs to work with. But an octopus? Since divine paperwork is impervious to water damage, they can do their work in water, which allows them to use all eight of their limbs. Moreover, an OUS has powerful magic, which allows each limb to perform countless tasks at once. Acht here has already completed several millennia worth of paperwork in a matter of hours."
"Wow."
"Yes." Weiss scowled at some of the lesser gods and spirits who had gathered around a divine water cooler. They took one look at her and scuttled back to their desks. "Some people here have gotten a little too comfortable with slacking off. At the rate he's going, I wouldn't be surprised if Acht made Department Head by the end of the week." Weiss huffed. "I should have made my own Divine Beasts aeons ago. I have no idea why I waited so long."
"Because you kept stealing Zwei for cuddles?" Ruby suggested.
"That's preposterous! I do not steal him for cuddles! He comes to me for cuddles."
"Really?" Ruby asked. She nodded at the Divine Beast in Weiss's lap. "I sent him here to deliver a message to you. He was supposed to be back an hour ago. Why am I not surprised to find him here and on your lap?"
"..."
"And I'm pretty sure that plate on the corner of your desk had steak on it, and I know you're not a big fan of steak. Was it a coincidence that you just had some steak, or do you keep some just for Zwei?"
Weiss's eye twitched. "It was a coincidence." On her lap, Zwei nudged her hand, and she went back to scratching his belly. "You can't possibly prove otherwise." She cleared her throat. "Anyway, Acht is only the first of his kind. I have plans to create more OUSs to help with the paperwork. I'm also thinking of adding a dragon to the records department."
"Oh?"
"Certain people keep trying to sneak records out or change them. It's becoming quite aggravating. I can only smite so many people a day before it gets boring. A Divine Beast dragon can do all of the smiting for me, and dragons are very possessive. So long as I tell the dragon that the records are part of their hoard, they won't let anyone except me or people I authorise get anywhere near them."
"That's true. But aren't you worried about the dragon burning the records?"
"They're divine records. They're not that easy to destroy. Besides, dragons can easily melt gold and jewels with their fire, but when was the last time you heard about a dragon destroying its own hoard?"
"True." Ruby paused. "Out of interest, what do you feed Acht?"
"Oh, it's nothing too strange." Weiss shrugged. "You know how evildoers are punished in the afterlife? Well, the ones who committed their crimes at sea get fed to Acht as part of their punishment. Not only does it keep him well fed but it also increases the overall efficiency of punishment in the afterlife. It's the perfect system."
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Author's Notes
Who better to help the goddess of Bureaucracy than a giant organisational octopus? And, yeah, Weiss totally steals Zwei when she thinks she can get away with it.