13

4:45 a.m.

I drive around for almost fifteen minutes before I finally give in and head home. My mind is muddled with confusion and indecision and I desperately need to find a way to clear it.

I head back to the station, making sure everything I need to make sure my shift is properly closed out is done before I head home.

By the time I reach my apartment, my stomach is in knots.

I head upstairs, stripping out of my uniform and heading straight into the shower. I make sure the water is frigid to help clear my mind. It's a brutal assault, and I can only take about four minutes before I have to climb back out.

What the hell am I going to do?

I've dated plenty of girls before, but none of them, no matter how long I knew them, ever caused me this much stress. It's always been my career over everything; friends, family, girlfriends… I've been working toward this my whole life.

I'm young enough that changing careers isn't ridiculous, but I don't want to change. I want to grow into my role, climb the ladder, make whatever difference I can.

I want to be a cop.

So why the hell is it even a question?

Bella is ridiculous and funny and cute but also sexy, but I've known her less than three hours and half that time, she was rambling drunk. There is no reason this girl should be making me question even for a second.

It should be obvious that my career comes first.

But when I think about it, think about making that decision, My stomach rolls uncomfortably.

Neither path feels right, and I have no idea what the fuck to do about that.

I pace around my room, a towel around my hips as I try to reason with myself, but I can tell I'm not going to get anywhere. I'm thinking in circles.

Fuck.

Before I can second guess myself, I pick up my phone, shooting off a text to my brother.

Dude, are you up?

I don't expect him to be. It's just past five in the morning. I should have been asleep hours ago, yet here I am.

My phone buzzes in my hand, and I nearly drop it trying to check the incoming message.

What's up?

I'm relieved and about one hundred times more nervous when I realize he's up and able to help me.

Instead of texting back, I call him.

"Hey," he croaks when he picks up the call. "What's up?"

I can tell from his voice he's high, but I don't fucking care. I need help too badly to worry about it coming from someone sober.

"Hey, I need to talk something out."

Jasper hums. "Okay, this sounds serious. Let me put down my bong."

I roll my eyes but wait as I hear him shuffling around. Finally, he comes back over the line. "Okay, man. What's up?"

I take a deep breath then launch into it. I don't leave anything out as I completely unload my night on him.

Jasper is quiet as he listens to me vent, and when I'm done, I collapse onto my bed, waiting for him to speak. He's quiet long enough that I scowl.

"Dude, did you fucking fall asleep?"

"No man, just absorobing all your energy."

I roll my eyes. He's such a fucking hippie when he's high.

"Well?" I demand.

He lets out a breath. "You're not going to like it."

I frown. "Okay…"

"I think you're over reacting."

Of-fucking-course. I should have known better than to call him. Jasper doesn't care about his career, not like I care about mine.

"Dude," I start, ready to hang up on him, but he interrupts me.

"This chick sounds awesome, and when have you ever cared enough about a girl to choose her for anything longer than a night?"

I'm only mildly offended by his words. They are mostly true afterall.

"Getting involved with her could obliterate my career," I say again, feeling agitated.

"And walking away could mean missing out on something amazing."

I'm quiet as I consider it. "Dude," Jasper sighs. "Fate slide this girl in front of you and said, here is a fucking gift, picked out by the universe itself. Why would you run from that?"

I frown as my eyes track over the shadows on my ceiling, considering his words.

"My career," I say weakly.

"You don't know her dad would fire you for dating her. And if he does, isn't that some gross abuse of power or something?"

I roll my eyes.

"There are a lot of ways to fire someone over something else," I say, shaking my head. "Besides, it's bigger than that. If shit went down and he took me out, I'd have to leave the fucking state to get another job." Even then, I'm not sure I'd be that successful. Who knew how large his reach was.

"So you move," Jasper says, and I can practically see him shrug. "Sounds like a dope adventure."

I roll my eyes.

"Jas," I start.

"Ed, look. This is one of those situations where you won't know until you take a fucking leap. And man, you've never had a problem jumping into things."

I can feel my teeth grinding as I process what he's saying.

"Thanks man, I have to go."

If he's startled by my abrupt ending, he doesn't let it show in his voice.

"All right man, peace."

We both pause before we hang up, and I hear him take a breath.

"Everything will be all right, man. I'm telling you, the universe is speaking on this one. Fate's looking out for you."

I sigh, but then hang up, tossing my phone beside me on the bed. I don't believe in fate, but even if I did, I'm not sure I'd agree with Jasper.

The universe demands you work for shit, and even when you do work, nothing is guaranteed.

If there is one thing you can count on, it's that life doesn't give without looking for something in return.

And with the choices I'm facing now, the price from the universe feels too much either way.

What the hell am I going to do?