Before the Affair 10th Anniversary Author's Notes
Due to personal issues, this author's note was late coming. Sorry about that...
Well, I have a lot to unpack in these author's notes. Before the Affair was going to be my first multi-chapter epic but only three chapters saw completion and publication with one more cut while it was still in the oven along with any chapters that were planned to follow. Before the Affair was originally merely planned to be a prequel to "Flander's Affair" which was a Simpsons reskin of "Donkey's Greatest Prank" but with the influence of the6ftdick's lost masterpiece "Captain Planet and the Planetqueers" I decided that this would be the story to tie everything I put onto the site together. Unfortunately what little that was complete barely scratched the surface of my vision and anything beyond the set up of would never come to be.
As I've stated just now, this is based before the events of "Flander's Affair" which has not been put back on this site. Should you decide to read it you can find a link to my page from 18 April 2012 on the Wayback Machine or just read "Donkey's Greatest Prank" and read Shrek as Homer, Fiona as Marge, Donkey as Flanders and Jeremy Clarkson as Arnold Schwartzenegger which'll work just as well.
Beginning this unfinished legend we jump straight into two nods to my first two stories with Kent Brockman reporting on the lake scout camp massacre mentioned at the beginning of "Stuart Little 4" and the state of Eric Normal's phallus which later lands him in all kinds of trouble in "The New Power".
The Itchy and Scratchy cartoon in the next bit is a collection of references to shit I used to like which happen to be Happy Tree Friends and College Humour which I wasn't ready to be reminded of so I'm trying to hold back my vomit as I read. The CH sketch referenced was the one with the Pac-Man ghosts in which one of them plots to stab Pac-Man in the throat in his sleep only to prove futile because he's constantly high from the pills he's always munching on. Of course I inject some "witty" commentary by having Itchy admit that his show's quality is declining kind of like another show we know and Scratchy laments that a "dumbass internet thing" stole their audience which of course alludes to HTF but as it would turn out the internet and streaming would later dominate television as an entertainment medium completely which amazes me that I actually wrote something that aged better than the time I wrote it albeit having nothing to do with HTF, a fandom which I then recently jumped off from when they did that shitty PSA.
Now here's something that didn't age well, a reference to Tiger Woods' sexual escapades which was already ancient history by 2012 yet I believed this scandal spawned the funniest topical jokes at the time. Tiger's rap came from the video Tiger Woods New Rap Song by DanJari now known as Dangerous The Dreamcatcher which to me was the height of comedy while the affair still grabbed the papers so I would shamelessly steal it for my story although I'm pretty sure I fucked up a couple of the lyrics.
I completely forgot about Smithers' mutant sperm monster. Troma fans will know which movie I blatantly lifted this from. I really like that I made an explanation as to how Homer got his planet sized testicles he teabags Flanders with in "Affair" which makes me wonder if I planned something similar for Shrek. The idea of inserting the act of teabagging in my stories which I forgot to bring up in "Prank's" notes should be credited to my to my cousin and some FPS junkie friends who were addicted to Call of Duty at the time.
And finally the link between this story, "Shaggy's Birthday Bash" and "Revenge is Rotten" which would've provided the origin of the mysterious viagroids that appear in "Rotten". Alas it was only a tiny bit where the Mayor of Lazytown and Fred Rogers ask Fat Tony for a new drugs to serve their respective purposes. Had I continued the story this would lead to Professor Frink (Who works for the mob I guess) inventing the viagroids to meet their demands but ends up being killed by Smither's sperm monster which survived the plant explosion and go full on kaiju before mass production limiting their supply to the shipments to Fred and the Mayor.
Once Homer comes back home we get to a scene where Homer punishes Bart in disturbing detail which got me a good review from someone who leaves sarcastic reviews on all my works. Afterwards Homer finds Marge making a suicide attempt which I made to pay homage to Queer Duck. Homer's realisation of himself being a shitty father and husband before promising to change wraps up the first chapter.
On the second chapter "Bart gets Ninja'd" which I'll admit to being hesitant to reuploading since reading it now rubs off as being much more disturbing than funny to be honest. The chapter's premise came from an in joke between some of my friends about the act of ninja-ing which apparently means to sneak into someone's room naked and grind genitals on the target's face. That was funny to me back then but I really don't find it funny now. And so much for Homer's promise to change at the end. This one was written the day after chapter one was finished.
Now the third and last chapter to be finished "Good Gun" which was written several months after the first two chapters. If you read my "pre-delete" reviews you'll see a review pointing out the insensitivity of this chapter being published shortly after the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting. This chapter was actually heavily inspired by the Columbine High School Massacre but the shooting took place before I finished and published the chapter in some spooky coincidence.
Somehow I don't think Bart would be able to go to school if he suffered amnesia and he certainly wouldn't bring a gun either. After Bart murders Lewis in a racially motivated attack, Richard makes... another AVGN reference!? Hell's teeth, this shit's been run to the ground more than enough already!
Then Bart and Milhouse have a typical bad yoai scene before executing their plan to murder Principle Skinner. It starts with with the same Rocket Power the Lost Episode reference I made in "Stuart Little 4". This moment is totally not gay according to them afterwards which might've been inspired by Alec Benson Leary drawing Asperchu and Sonichu artwork of a suggestive homoerotic nature and constantly insisted that it's all totally heterosexual. Orgasmed, the greatest past tense I ever invented returned for one last time before wrapping this chapter up with the words to be or not continued of which unfortunately the latter would be true.
...Until now. Because for this special occasion I'm giving you readers the never seen before forth chapter of "Before the Affair". Just so you know, it's extremely incomplete so don't expect a satisfying closure to the story and I don't really have plans to alter any of my old work as they're best left in their original made for publication or not (in this chapter's case) state.
In "The Rub Out" Bart and Milhouse act on their plan to assassinate Armin Tamsinarian. Bart bursts into the principle's office yelling a quote from the Battle Royale manga. Skinner is prepared for this somehow, he retaliates and makes a reference to "Léon the Professional" a film I only just finally saw before writing this and quickly became one of my favourite movies. Milhouse brings a knife to a gun fight and predictably dies. Bart runs out the office instead of trying to avenge his fallen buddy before Skinner gives chase and that's all I ever completed of "Rub Out" and thus this story as a whole. The ensuing chase/shoot out would take place all over the school killing the students and faculty in the crossfire except Lisa as to not to fuck with continuity. Bart comes out on top of the skirmish somehow which would end the chapter.
In a future chapter Springfield would be gripped in terror of Smithers' sperm monster laying waste to the town and the only hope lies in Homer's hands and his gargantuan nads. As you probably could guess Homer is the victor but in the chaos the town is destroyed leaving the entire populace dead except the Simpsons and Flanders which would have brought the story to a close if I didn't burn out/get even lazier. And that's all I have to say about what could've been of "Before the Affair".
Going back to my "pre-delete" reviews, you'll notice a name by "Wuggles" commonly attached to various comments hazing my work. Truth is Wuggles was an IRL friend who would leave these lovely reviews just for shits and giggles all in good fun between us. Sadly I lost contact with the man years ago. His pen name comes from a Grand Theft Auto 2 cheat. He also was the one who responded to Tails the possum's two reviews of "The New Power".
The story received praise from a Sergeant Sprinkles clone called SGT Trollz who wrote a ripoff of the infamous "Cupcakes" story. Now, here's something I was meaning to bring up for a while and that is what are my thoughts on Cupcakes? Honestly I had heard of Cupcakes before I lead this short life as a troll writer but since I never got into My Little Pony Friendship is Magic unlike the internet at large I never really had interest in reading Cupcakes until it was compared to my work. To my understanding Cupcakes was an attempt to troll the then fledgling but explosively growing brony fandom. Possibly unaware that the majority of bronies were 4chan users which in turn, the majority were diseased minds so all that sick fuckery backfired and became a staple of brony culture. To be honest I think Cupcakes is overrated, it was only huge because again MLPFIM was at the height of it's popularity in the early 2010s. Don't get me wrong, in spite of a review of "Stuart Little 4" I don't think my work makes cupcakes look tame. Sprinkles can write grindcore a lot better than I can but don't think it deserves being the inspiration of countless derivative works including an animation from a so-called former animator of the show.
Well, that's it for "Before the Affair". I wrecked my mind remembering all these ideas I would've put into the story and even afterwards I might still have forgotten even more, my mindset was completely different then. Now I dread having to do the same for Stuart Little 5. See you again in the notes of "How Clifford the Big Red Dog was Born".