SELF JUSTIFICATION-2

Hello all. I want to thank you very much for all the wonderful reviews that I got yesterday, after first chapter, especially the guest reviews to which I can't reply. The beginning of the story was not nice and pleasant, but they need to go through some challenges from time to time ;-) As I promised, in today's chapter, we will look at the situation from Charles's POV. I hope you will enjoy it.

Charles was wondering for some time, what was the cause of the sudden change of Elsie's behavior. Usually, she was so sweet and kind and caring for him. He couldn't help but notice, how many efforts she made every day to make his life pleasant. He simply wasn't able not to notice all those small, barely noticeable details, which always sparked the hope in him, that he was more than a friend to her.

Charles couldn't exactly remember when he realized, that he was in love with Elsie. He thought, that she probably caught his eye from the beginning, but back then it was only because of her beauty. When she came to Downton, she was young, energetic and radiant Scottish woman. Her auburn hair and amazing blue eyes, plus her grace and elegance and the most beautifil voice, with a Scotish accent, could not came unnoticed to a man so sensitive for women's charms like Charles was. But back then, it was only an infatuation, something that drew him near her, but he didn't connect it with any kind of feelings, maybe except few dirty thoughts, that he scolded himself for.

As time passed, he quickly understood, that Elsie was totally different than any other woman he has ever known. Not only she had a kind of beauty that attracted him very much, but also she had a sharp mind, a great sense of humor and she had much more common sense, the kind of common sense that he really appreciated. With time, he noticed, that when there was some difficult problem to solve at the Abbey, Charles always preferred to consult it with Elsie, rather then to make his own decision. He was amazed at first, because never before in his life, he didn't ask anybody else for a second opinion, let alone a woman, but when he realized, that all the advices that Elsie was giving him were useful, he didn't make any decision, before talking to her first.

When she became a housekeeper, they swiftly started their evening drinks ritual and Charles cherished those moments tremendously. There was nothing more calming and soothing for him, then few moments of relax in her company. He loved looking at her, in the evening light.

She seemed even much more beautiful than during the day. He loved watching her slightly tousled hair, not so tidy as in the beginning of the day, he loved to watch how she was slowly sipping her evening Sherry and how that effected her face-especially her smile, which became more cheeky, like this mischevious smile was only meant for him and nobody else. He watched her pretty lips, touching the glass and he couldn't stop the thought, of how much he would want to see those lips on his own, rather than on the glass.

He adored when her whole body was relaxing, after a hard day of work and how she sometimes let herself get comfortable, by leaning on the chair and how she was sliding her legs to the front, legs who were tired from the whole day of running on the floors of the Abbey.

He sometimes caught himself thinking, that he would want to take her shoes off and her stockings and gave her a foot massage, so needed and so desired by her..

Yes, Charles Carson was never afraid to admit, that he was madly in love with Elsie. Everything about her was perfect. He was willing to reciprocate those small favors, that she was giving him so willingly, but he just didn't know how.

He was wondering, if there was any way, that he could confess his true feelings to her, but the times that he was living in and the position that he earned with his hard work, have made it impossible. When she came to Downton and he was still a relatively young man and he started to understand, how he felt about her, he felt like he was caught in the trap. It was difficult enough, that he was very much in love with his co-worker and he had to do all he could, to effectively hide it from her, the other problem were his "burning needs of man", that just couldn't leave him in peace.

His heart was giving him problems, but his body reactions were even worse...When she was so close to him, every evening and he saw her beautiful face, her slender figure, with perfect roundness where needed, when he felt the discret smell of her perfumes, his body was betraying him in every way possible.

He was going to bed every night, no matter how tiring the day was, dreaming and imagining Elsie in bed with him. In his dreams, he was kissing her so passionately, like he wanted to devour her pretty lips, he was touching her lovely body, like he nothing else existed on this world, like she was the only person who mattered.

In his mind, he has undressed her for a thousand times, kissing and caressing her in every possible way that existed and the number of sexual scenarios that played in his head, were endless.

He sometimes scolded himself for those thoughts, cursed his needs, explaining, that he was not entitled to think about her that way. She was such high moral and respectable woman. She was meant to be loved and adored by him. He didn't have any right to wonder how it would feel like, to put his insatiable lips on hers, he didn't have right to imagine, the wild journey of his lips through all her body, he didn't have right to imagine, how her lovely voice would sound moaning under his tender ministrations, he didn't have right to dream, about being united with her totally and to display before his eyes the sight of them, rocking together in bed, with the passion, that overtook both of them so much, that they forgot about the whole world.

But yet he was imagining all those things...All the time...Every night...In time those thoughts became so unbearable, that he wasn't able to control himself anymore...When they left for London each year, he thought, that it will be easier once she will be out of his sight. That he will forget about all her charms and he will regain his usual composure. But it didn't happen. To his surprise, he found out, that being away from her only made it worse. When he was here, with her, her sight was a permanent inspiration for him, but when he was in London, he missed her so painfully, that it took the ability of logical thinking from him..

So one time, when they were in London much longer than it was initially planned, he did something that he didn't do for a very long time...Since his youth years. He decided to visit the house of ill repute. He was embarrassed and felt ashamed and dirty and he kind of hated himself for what he was doing, but the need of his release effectively deafen his pangs of conscience. He needed to be with a woman, he needed to feel the delicate touch of women's hand on his body, he needed closeness and most of all, he simply needed a release, a primal, vulgar need, that arose in him so much, that it started to affect his work and generally all his life.

So he went to the area of London, when he didn't risk meeting someone that he knew and picked the girl, with who he went to bed. She was so ordinary and she was nothing special. Charles noticed, that ever since he was in love with Elsie, all other women seemed uninteresting and ordinary to him. Her looks was not important here, he needed her for a specific reason and he paid to get what he wanted.

He closed his eyes, because he didn't want to see what he was doing and also because when he did that, he could easily imagine that he was with Elsie...He could imagine, that it was her that he was touching and that it was her that he was having sex with. He got what he wanted and ever since that time, he started to do it on a regular basis. Even though after a while he realized, that in spite of getting the release that he thought he needed so much, it really didn't give him much else. With time, he started to be more angry at himself, which caused that he was more violent and nasty during sex with those fallen women, but they didn't care, as long as he was putting the correct amount of money on the table.

When he came back to Downton, he was so ashamed, he felt dirty and he had difficulties with looking Elsie in the eyes, because he thought, that she knew all about his shenanigans in London.

He tried to justify himself, repeating all over again, that it was needed for him, to not to go crazy being with Elsie and couldn't do anything about it, but he knew, that it was not enough reason.

He was happy, that what he was doing, was done so discreetly, that there was no way, that Elsie could ever find out about it, but he didn't know how wrong he was, because in the house with many people and with so many staff members, it's really difficult to keep a secret and he wasn't aware that Elsie knew all about it by now, so he just lived in a blessed unconsciousness, that his dirty moments are a secret...

Charles had a great shock, discovering by coincidence, that Elsie was feeding Ethel. That awful girl, who got to his nerves ever since she came to Downton. He warned Elsie, that she will make troubles, but she didn't want to listen to him. She had such a kind heart, that she was always a champion of giving everyone a chance.

Charles was observing that girl and he had a feeling, that sooner or later, she will be in trouble. He wasn't wrong. He was outraged, when Elsie confessed him in secret, that Ethel had a baby with major Bryant. He had a moral speech, condemning her behavior and he was a little surprised, when Elsie seemed annoyed while he was talking about moral values and the necessity of being a decent woman.

He wondered why on earth she was looking at him in such mocking way?

He could never imagine, that Elsie that he still considered the most decent and high-moral value woman ever, could have some kind of secret arrangement with Ethel-the girl who deserved nothing else, but condemnation. He was quite shocked, when he saw, that she was actually taking a food supplies from the pantry and she went outside to share it with Ethel.

As much as he was in love with Elsie, her actions woke his anger and he decided to solve this situation as soon as possible. He decisively went towards the stairs, leading to the back door, with the intention of scolding Elsie and forcing her to confess what she was doing to Her Ladyship...

That's all for today my lovelies...The chapter was longer than expected, but hey, that's me ;-) When I start writing, I forget the whole world...In the next one, we will go through the scene which we know from the series and we will see how Elsie really reacted to Charles's "a man will always be a man". I won't reveal much, but I'm just going to say, that the Scottish wild temperament is going to find it's way out ;-) Hope you liked this one. Thank you for your support. Have a wonderful weekend and see you soon!