SELF JUSTIFICATION-4
Hello everyone. It's nice to be here with you again. Especially after a very difficult week, that brought the bad news for me, with which I'm still trying to cope. Entering the world of fanfiction is always a good idea, so here I am to finish the story, that many of you praised so much. Thank you for all your proofs of appreciation. They mean a lot to me.
This will be the ending chapter for this story, containing mostly of the dialogue, because Charles has some serious explanation to do. Hope you will like it.
Side note: FF is doing strange things with this story and few of you told me, that you can't see the new posted chapters, if this will happen again, please remember that I'm also posting it on AO3, so you can read it there.
Few minutes of initial shock have passed, since Charles realized, what he has done. He hurt Elsie tremendously, with his silly words and now she was leaving-she just told him, that she is going to pack and leave. He couldn't let her do it. He had to stop her, to beg for her forgiveness at any cost, even if she didn't want to listen to him.
He ran out of his pantry and hurried upstairs, in the direction of her room, he took the spare key to the women's wing, because he knew, where she kept it and decided to communicate with her immediately, in spite of a late hour and an awareness, that most of the female staff were already in their rooms for the night. He was walking quietly like the mouse, creeping down the empty and silent corridors. When he got to the women's wing, he opened the door cautiously, making sure, that there was nobody on his way and he immediately entered her door, without knocking and waiting for an invitation.
He closed the door and he saw a complete chaos. She was indeed going to leave. She had her suitcases lying on the bed, opened, with half of her clothes already packed and the other half of her clothes scattered everywhere- on the floor, on the bed, on the chairs.
Elsie herself looked like a mess- she was wearing her night clothes, her hair were released and there was an expression of dispair on her face, which quickly turned into anger and disbelief, when he barged into the privacy of her room so breezily.
Even though Charles was trying to focus on all the things that he wanted to say to her, he couldn't stop staring at her, seeing her in such casual state-he has never seen so much of her and the things he saw, has met with his full approval. He just managed to think, that he has never seen such a beautiful woman as Elsie and if she wasn't so angry at him right now and he didn't have a lot of explaining to do, he would have taken her in his arms immediately and made love to her here and now. But her first words were like a cold shower for his indecent thoughts...
"Mr Carson how dare you come here to my room?! Who gave you permission to enter the women's wing? The fact that I told you where I'm keeping the spare keys, doesn't allow you to.."
"Please Mrs Hughes. Just give me a moment. I need to explain, to tell you.."
"I don't want to hear anything! You told me everything downstairs already and as you pointed out, there is no need for explanation, since I'm not your wife, so will you please kindly leave this room at once, before I will..."
"No Mrs Hughes, no..Please...Just let me explain...Just give me few moments...Please..."
There was so much pain in his voice, that even Elsie, being as angry as she was at the moment, had to admit, that her heart skipped a bit...
"All right Mr Carson. For the old times sake, I'm giving you two minutes. What it is that you wish to tell me?"
Charles sighed with relief, at least he had a chance, a slight chance, but still...
"Mrs Hughes, I behaved very badly. Not only today, by forcing you to tell the truth to Her Ladyship, because it was really awful and I should have never done that...You have kind and good heart and you wanted to help Ethel and her little boy, whilst I was feeding Grigg because I was afraid that he will reveal my stage past, which he did anyway...I can see, that I behaved like a pig and I wanted to say, that I'm sorry...I really am sorry. I should have never put you in such position. Never, I had no right. I really apologize for that.."
"All right Mr Carson. It really doesn't matter much more now, when I'm going to leave anyway...Apologies accepted, is there anything else?"
"Yes, there is...I don't want you to go. I can't imagine this house without you and I believe, that everyone would agree with me-all people of downstairs and upstairs."
"That's very kind, but I can't imagine staying here and still working with you much longer, after what you told me tonight and I'm not referring to our conversation with Her Ladyship, but to the things that you told me in your pantry."
"That's the thing Mrs Hughes- I should have never said any of those things, I was just so shocked, that you knew about my...Well my London...My..."
"Your filthy London adventures? Unfortunately I know all about it. I think that I would rather not know, because that spoiled my perfect image of you, but I can't turn back the clock and neither can you."
"It's true, although I really wish I would...I would like to explain myself to you..."
"You don't need to do that...I'm not your wife, so no explanation is needed here...You were correct- I had no right to shout this into your face, even if I was very angry at you. What you do in your time, is your personal matter and it should not concern me in any way..."
Charles was standing with his head low, not daring to look at her, but when she said those words, he just had to look-he wanted to see if she was indifferent, saying those words, did she look like she didn't really care, what he was doing being away from her, or was she sad and devastated by that...It was enough to see her eyes at that moment and he already knew the answer...
"Mrs Hughes, this is exactly the point..."
"What is the point Mr Carson? I don't understand what you mean?"
"I know that it's not your business what I am doing in my free time, but I want it be your business..."
"I...I..I am not sure if I understand..."
"Mrs Hughes...Elsie...Please...I...I want you to care about that, I want you to have a right to ask me about my free time, because I want you to be my wife..."
Elsie suddenly felt so weak in the knees, that she automatically just fell to her bed, sitting on it and squashing some of her dresses...She could expect a lot after this conversation, but not this...She certainly did not expect that...She was even more amazed, when she saw him kneeling on one knee, in front of her...He took her hand in his, kissed it gently...She has never seen so much love in any man's eyes...
"I love you Elsie...I always have...I'm not even sure for how long, probably from the beginning, but I was to fool to admit it to you...Or to anyone else..I have wasted many precious years, that we could spend together, but I do not wish to waste a minute more...Will you make me the happiest man on earth and marry me?..."
Elsie looked at him interrogatively...She almost wanted to smile, because he looked like an asking puppy, kneeling in front of her and waiting for her decision... She couldn't believe it...The moment that she has been dreaming about, has finally happened and it could be the happiest moment of all, if it wasn't for the thing that bothered her so much...
"Charles..."-she touched his cheek gently, causing shivers down his spine...Her slight touch meant so much for him, that he closed his eyes and waited for more..."Charles I'm not going to lie to you, that I didn't dream about it for years...Because I have...I love you too, from the beginning, although it took me few years to realize it, but not so long as for you...Yes, you are an old fool, pompous, annoying and irritating...There are times, that I want to strangle you with my own hands, but I love you too much to do that..."
"Does this mean that you will...? That you will marry me?"
"Charles, how can I? After what I found out?...You say that you love me and that you loved me for many years and I believe you...But how could you done those hideous things that you did? How could you met those women and pay them for...This is so awful, that I'm not even able to think about that...I can't get these images out of my head..."
"Oh Elsie, I'm so sorry...So very sorry...I was weak and I did things that I'm ashamed of now...I would have given everything to turn back the clock, to never did any of those things.."
"Then why Charles, tell me why? I want to understand...I know that men and women have a totally different point of view, but is it really that different? Through all these years, I didn't even look at any other man, because nobody was so interesting for me as you, not to mention about having any relations of that kind with someone else..."
"I sure hope not! I would have killed any man that would come close to you!"
"I see...Double standards Charles? So what am I suppose to do now? Go to London and kill all those women that you have been with?"
"Elsie, I wish you could understand...Those women meant nothing to me...They were just to stop the fire, which was inside me all those years, when I loved you and I was afraid to do anything about it, men have needs and they are not always able to..."
All right Charles...I think that I see your point now...So all these women were just to forget me?"
"Not exactly Elsie...I was..When I was with those women, I was imagining that I'm with you...That we are the ones who...Oh God, I can't say that...I wasn't able to control my needs...But I still loved you, only you..."
"So basically you are easily justyfing yourself again Charles, aren't you? You think that only men have those kind of needs?"
He looked at her sheepishly, wondering, if she meant what he thought that she meant...
"You mean that...Elsie, did you? About us? Dreaming about?"
His inability of putting up a whole sentence almost made her laugh, but she didn't want him to think, that she is lauging at him...
"Yes Charles...I did...I may not be a woman of the world, but I have my dreams, hopes and desires...I love you and I always wanted this...Between us..."
"Oh Elsie...Can I kiss you? Here and now? Please?"
"Mr Carson, don't you think, that you are stretching the rules of priopriety, that you value so much here? Kissing a woman who is not your wife, in the middle of the night? In her room, where you shouldn't even be in the first place?"
"I think that one thing we learnt today Mrs Hughes, is that I've crossed those lines few times already, but from the wrong reasons, so I see no harm in doing it from the right reason this time..."
"If I will let you...-she wshispered, touching his lip with her delicate fingers and he shivered again...
"But you will let me..I know that you will?"
Not waiting for an answer, he put his arms around her and his impatient lips have finally landed on hers. They were both waiting for this moment for so many years and that waiting made that moment even sweeter...He caresssed her lips with such love and passion, that Elsie felt like her soul flew to heaven, leaving her half faint body...She clung to him tightly and with her heart beating wildly, she deepen the kiss...
He moaned into her mouth, as she tasted exactly how he expected her to taste-sweet and delicious, he wanted to kiss her without stopping, for many hours, all night...
Before any of them realized, what they were doing, Elsie lied on the bed, pulling him on her and he lied on her, feeling that his male anatomy was revealing his true intentions to her in that moment..
They parted to catch the breath, but he didn't want to stop tasting her, so he kept on kissing her jawline, a spot behind her ear and the side of her neck, while she was delicately touching his hair...
Charles was so warmed up, that he would gladly continue this, especially that his lips got dangerously close to her breasts, but he knew, that if will cross that line, he won't be able to stop and he didn't want to disrespect Elsie, not now, not here, not while they were not yet married...
He stopped and she raised her head, disappointed, with a break of such wonderful moment...
"What happened? Why did you? Why we are no longer...?"
Charles felt pride when she said that, typically male pride, because he knew, that she wanted this as much as he did...
"Elsie, I'm not going to disrespect you in any way. That wouldn't be fair. I already hurt you so much...I want everything to be done properly this time...I want to marry you, to tell the whole world, that you are mine, to confess my love to you in front of God and our friends and then , later on, we can..."
"I can't say that I'm not disappointed, but I appreciate your respect for me..."
"I love you Elsie...You are an epitome of a respactable woman to me and I want everything to be done right this time...We will get married and then nothing will stop us from being with each other that way...I want it very much..."
"I want it too...Maybe it's not very lady like to say it, but I really do..."
Charles smiled to her and gave her one more sweet kiss...
"I can't wait till we will be married and I will have a right to..."
"Just remember Charles...If you will near any fallen woman starting from today, I will make sure, that your reputation will be shattered...Don't ever mess with a Scottish woman!"
"Oh dear, I think that I got myself into trouble now.."
"You certainly did my love, you certainly did..."
Oh dear...That was a long chapter, but that 's probably because I had such fun writing it and I hope, that you will have fun reading it. I know that Elsie had a lot of forgiving to do and it was not easy, but you know Elsie-she is a kind, warm spirit, but Charles has to remember to not to mess with her again, ever ;-) Scottish dragon is not someone you want to meet on your way. Thank you very much for reading and reviewing this story. Take care of yourselves and have a good week!