Chapter 29: Wake Me Up, Before You Go Girl

For the first time, Haruhi actually understood the meaning of "be careful what you wish for." She glanced up to the head of the classroom where Ms. Mori, if that was really her name, was going over the shifts in the teacher's assignments that would be taking place. Normally, this would be incredibly dull, even if a bit surprising since a number of teachers had suddenly left and needed to be replaced.

Except Haruhi now strongly suspected that her teacher was a powerful esper, and one of the leaders of a dangerous clandestine organization of other espers. She'd met Mori before, only she'd been pretending to be a maid. Now she really needed to find Koizumi and grill him, because this was just too much.

A student returning, especially a popular, pretty girl like Asakura was always cause for chatter. What it normally wasn't was cause for was bone chilling fear. Kyon looked slightly pale, and was nervously twitching, his eyes fixed on Asakura. Save for when his gaze shifted back to Yuki sitting in front of him and he relaxed slightly Like a guardian angel of some sort.

There wasn't just one alien in Haruhi's class. There were two. Not to mention that Nagato had mentioned that Emiri Kimidori, Student Council Secretary, was also an alien being. Oh, and there had been two times that Asakura had attempted to murder Kyon, putitng him in the hospital once. Super.

And to top it all off, in half an hour, Haruhi had gym class with Duchess Lalatina "Darkness" Ford-Dustiness, alias Ms. Tina Ford, who was her sworn knight and protector.

That was leaving out the time traveler, demon, slider, and physical god that were also in the SOS Brigade. Haruhi hadn't asked yet if there were vampires, ninjas, pirates, or talking animals at the school yet, but if the answer was "yes, absolutely" it wouldn't really surprise her.

"May you live in interesting times," Haruhi muttered to herself.

"What was that?!" Kyon hissed, jerking around, his eyes darting nervously to Ryouko.

"Nothing, sorry. This is just a lot. How did you not go crazy?" Haruhi snapped.

Kyon slumped and turned back around, but Haruhi did catch his murmur of, "Who says I haven't?"

"Your mental state is currently within human norms, if at a high stress level," Yuki said in response.

That got their classmates to jerk their own heads around to stare at Nagato. She had something of a reputation at the school as being an aloof girl who rarely spoke, but when she did, it was of great import. Come to think of it, that had started after Yuki had given out fortunes at the school festival last year. Haruhi had heard the predictions were eerily accurate, but dismissed it as the same bias that let hacks tell fortunes to gullible marks. Now she was less certain about that.

Despite Haruhi's nerves, time passed quickly enough, and the class split up to change for PE. When it was time to change, Nagato stuck rather close to Haruhi, in a manner that might have been uncomfortable if it wasn't for the fact that Ryouko Asakura didn't seem to have a problem keeping an eye on Haruhi either.

"Will she...try anything?" Haruhi whispered to Yuki. "I couldn't get that bestowing of blessings thing to work on you."

Aqua had demonstrated, granting Mikuru a spell called "Nature's Beauty" that had allowed the clumsy time traveler to perform a party trick that made water spout from the top of her head and two fans in her hands...which had resulted in Mikuru slipping and falling on the wet floor.

Haruhi had tried repeating what she'd seen Aqua do, but she hadn't managed anything at all. It was frustrating in the extreme, and even more so because apparently she was some sort of incredibly powerful deity.

Though if Kazuma called her a "useless goddess" one more time, she was going to hit him.

"Unit HN-0001 is not likely to attempt any action in a public setting," Yuki reported. "She should, however, still be monitored."

Haruhi could only nod in emphatic agreement at that. Murderous aliens did rate somewhat highly on the "keep an eye on them" scale.

As distracted as Haruhi was, she barely managed to give her name when it was time for introductions with their new PE teacher.

"Now! We must train your bodies to be strong and healthy, so that you might prevail against your foes!" Darkness told the 2nd year girls, which resulted in puzzled looks from most of them.

"Let us begin with push ups!" Darkness declared, dropping drown and beginning to do a set of her own. Haruhi had to roll her eyes when Darkness's overly generous bust pressed to the ground at each repetition. One of her eyebrows shot up at the...sounds...that Darkness made while doing so. Wasn't she a noble or something?

Still, Haruhi went through the physical exercises easily enough, it wasn't like they were that hard for her. She wondered if that was because she was a goddess. Could she take no credit for her physical abilities either? She supposed before she had thought they came from her parents. That was right out. Her parents were a couple of normal people. Well, as normal as an otaku businessman and his foreign wife could be.

"Now, we shall begin your practical training for combat!" Darkness informed the girls.

"You mean like, Kendo practice?" someone asked.

"No, they would not allow me to requisition arms," Darkness said with a shake of her head, but then a dangerous gleam entered her eyes. "Instead, we shall train for an attack where you are battered from all sides, your bodies assaulted by nefarious foes, your strength tested to it's very limit!"

"W-what are you going to do to us?" another girl squeeked.

"They denied me cabbages, but these balls shall have to do," Darkness answered, which made all the girls blink in confusion. "W-we shall be playing dodgeball! You must mercilessly pound one another with these balls, until only one remains unscathed!"

"I'm on Suzumiya's team!" one of the girls blurted, jumping up, and a few nodded vigorously.

Haruhi allowed a malicious grin to form on her face. She had something of a reputation when it came to dodgeball.

"Lady Suzumiya shall be the first team captain, with Dame Nagato as her second," Darkness said, prompting a variety of puzzled looks from the girls. Darkness pointed to Asakura, her tone cold. "You shall head the opposition."

"Ok, I pick her!" Asakura laughed, pointing to a girl Haruhi hadn't noticed at the back of the class. She was in 2-C, the class that Nagato had been in, though Haruhi didn't recognize her. She looked foreign, with her red hair. Though maybe she was an alien or something.

Previously such thoughts had been Haruhi's flights of fancy to make her life more interesting, but this time she leaned over to Yuki and whispered. "Who's the new girl? Is she another alien?"

"Negative. My scan of the school database indicates her name is Mao Smith. She began attending school this morning. A transfer student from America."

"A lot of those going around. Think she's a spy or something?"

"Unknown. Further investigation is required."

Haruhi randomly picked the rest of her team, though she did make sure to include the girl who had immediately declared herself to be on Haruhi's side. Even if she was a CIA plant or something, Haruhi figured she could spare the poor girl a bruised rib.

"Ready? BEGIN!" Darkness bellowed after lining the girls up on opposite sides of the gym with the balls down the middle. Haruhi sprinted for them, a mad grin on her face. She might be embroiled in an insane conspiracy with strange beings and powers, but at least at dodgeball she could-

Haruhi barely had time to register that Asakura had beaten her to the line of balls. Yuki was streaking along at Haruhi's side, her face grim. Asakura was laughing as she began to fling balls at Haruhi. Yuki intercepted the first one, the air cracking at the impact, the ball exploding as it burst. Yuki intercepted another ball, but then one came from the side. The red haired girl was methodically firing balls at Haruhi, even harder than Asakura was, the air seeming to smoke as she did so. Thankfully, her first salvo had interfered with Asakura's own, most of the balls careening off one another. Haruhi's eyes went wide, and she thought the balls heading for her would take her head clean off. She closed her eyes, and-

"Ooooohhh~!"

There were several thunderous impacts, and Haruhi opened her eyes to find Darkness standing in front of her and Yuki, arms spread wide. Balls bounced off Darkness like they were magnetically attracted to the new teacher's body, some bursting, others careening around the gym hard enough to shatter a window or destroy one of the basketball hoops.

Most of the girls were on the ground, whimpering, a few clinging to one another in panic. Haruhi saw one girl from her own class standing before a few of her classmates, terror in her eyes, a flickering energy barrier of some sort in front of her. Great. Another esper she had missed.

"Y-you brutal girl!" Darkness moaned, fussing at her hair. Then she glared at Asakura and Smith. "You two will cease this. No skills or spells; this is to be physical training only."

"Oh really? And who says we have to listen to you? I thought this was a brutal no holds game," Asakura giggled.

Darkness strode over to loom over the smaller girl. "You will not injure those students placed under my care. You may batter and abuse me all you wish, but seek to harm my students and the consequences will be most dire."

"Oh? And how will you enforce them?" Asakura demanded.

Darkness's hand shot out, and Asakura intercepted it, grabbing the bigger woman's arm. She grinned, then her face took on a questioning look as Darkness picked her up with a growl of, "Anti-Magic Aura."

"How could you-" Asakura squeaked, before Darkness tucked her under one arm, the humanoid interface's fists bouncing uselessly off of Darkness's back and legs as her legs flailed wildly.

"I will be taking Ms. Asakura to the office for punishment," Darkness informed the class. "Dodgeball is cancelled until I return, Lady Suzumiya."

"Er, maybe you should just call me Miss Suzumiya?" Haruhi ventured.

"Very well. Miss Suzumiya. Lead the class in clean up efforts until I return."

Darkness hauled away to still grunting and struggling Asakura. The door shut, and all eyes turned to Haruhi.

"Um, well...Endo, Ota, grab some mops and fill up the buckets. Uchida, Tachamoto, check to see if anyone is hurt…"

The second year girls soon scrambled to begin to clean up efforts, leaving a frazzled Haruhi to turn to Yuki, who was quietly standing by her side. "Um, thanks for the save."

Nagato nodded, her eyes swiveling to look behind Haruhi. She spun, heart pounding again when she saw it was Goto, the girl who had erected the energy barrier to defend her classmates.

"Um, sorry," Goto said, bowing quickly. "I-I couldn't help save you, L-lady Suzumiya. N-next time, I shall endeavor to be worthy of the gifts you have given me."

"Er, OK?" Haruhi stammered.

Goto bowed again, backing away, then straightened, only to bow once more. "A-and thank you for saving me. I really would have jumped if it wasn't for you. I promise to be a worthy Agent of the Organization!"

Then Goto bowed twice more, and scurried away to tend to her clean up duties.

"You, er, know what that was about?" Haruhi asked Yuki.

"Aoi Goto is a member of the esper group known as the Organization. They believe you to be the source of their abilities," Yuki stated.

"Oh. Um, is that who Koizumi is with?"

"Yes."

"And the bit about her jumping…?"

"Unknown."

"Well I guess I could ask Koizumi. Where is that two-faced bastard anyway?" Haruhi demanded. "I didn't see him at lunch, or when the boys were going over to get changed for PE."

"He is absent."

"Of course he is. Well come on, let's get this mess cleaned up. Keep an eye on the red head, will you?"

"I have run several queries to ascertain the history of Mao Smith. It appears to be a pseudonym."

"No. You think?"

"Yes."

Haruhi decided that maybe aliens didn't get sarcasm.

As they cleaned, a thought occurred to Haruhi. She abruptly turned to the girl who was helping her sweep up the glass shards of the basketball hoop. "Hey, Ikeda."

"Yeah?" the other girl asked, not looking up from her cleaning.

"Was I the only one who didn't know everyone but Kyon has crazy powers at this school?" Haruhi demanded bluntly.

Ikeda froze, then gave Haruhi an incredulous look. Haruhi was just about to try to laugh it off and say she was making it up, when Ikeda whispered, "What do you mean? You didn't know? Of course! Half this school is one of Us. You mean to tell me that you didn't know I was a witch? I thought that was why you always ignored me, because I'm just a lesser practitioner."

"I...thought you were just a normal boring person," Haruhi stammered.

"Well, I mean, compared to someone like you or Nagato, sure. I wish my spells were half as powerful as what you two can do without even trying. I wanted to join your club, but I was too nervous and Koizumi...never mind."

"You can seriously do magic?" Haruhi demanded, her mind reeling.

Ikeda gave Haruhi another disbelieving glance, then checked around them. She muttered something under her breath, which sounded a lot like "Tersus Sursumus" which was just dog latin. Then the glass shards all lept from the floor into the wastebasket.

"Pretty sure. Don't get me in trouble, you know we're not supposed to pull stunts like Asakura did while normals can see us," Ikeda muttered, then hurried away as if being near Haruhi would pin the guilt for the magic trick on her.

"Nagato?" Haruhi said, feeling queasy.

"Yes?" Yuki was at Haruhi's side in an instant.

"I think I'm going to need to lie down for a bit," Haruhi managed.

"Do not worry, I have vetted the nurse: they have returned to normal."

"Are they secretly a vampire or something?" Haruhi asked as she leaned on Yuki.

"No."

Haruhi felt slightly relieved, but made herself ask. "Do they have any...abilities?"

"They are a shinto priest with some small skill at data manipulation," Yuki answered.

"Yeah, I think we should just go to the club room."

Yuki escorted Haruhi to the SOS Brigade room, the two of them not even bothering to change back into their uniforms. Haruhi rested her head on a desk, trying very hard not to have another panic attack. Wasn't this what she had wanted? A world full of wonder?

"Yuki...how many people at this school are some variety of supernatural?" Haruhi groaned after a few minutes of calming herself down.

"Unknown."

Haruhi looked up, frowning. "Guess."

"I estimate that 18% of students, and 23% of facility are possessed of what would be considered supernatural abilities," Yuki answered stoically.

"Oh." Haruhi lay her head back down, closing her eyes. "And...no one told me?"

"I was forbidden."

"Right. And so was Mikuru. Kyon tried, I didn't listen, he gave up, and Koizumi…What about him?"

"I would prefer not to speculate on the motives of Itsuki Koizumi at this time. I do know he considered himself your friend, and shielded you from a great many threats."

"Well he's still an asshole," Haruhi grumbled, laying her head back down. "Bastard should apologize."

Yuki did not comment further, and Haruhi managed to work up the nerve to go get changed and returned to class. The rest of the day was shockingly normal, with a penitent Asakura sitting meekly at the front of the class under the watchful eye of Mori the Esper.

Kyon still had a nervous twitch, especially after Haruhi told him about Asakura attempting to take her head off with a ball.

"And now there's some new girl in 2-C who's trying to kill you too?!" Kyon hissed, looking even paler.

"Yep. Oh, and Ikeda's a witch," Haruhi said with a shrug.

Kyon gaped at her for a moment, then swallowed and managed a nervous smile. "You...you're joking about that, right?"

"Nope. Ask Yuki."

Kyon's eyes shifted to Ikeda, who was currently scribbling down notes on Japanese Literature with the rest of their class. Haruhi was having a hard time giving a damn about academics at the moment. Well, more than her usual general apathy towards school, anyway.

"Is our entire class full of weirdos?" Kyon grumbled, turning back around.

"Seems like the whole world is. Everyone was lying to me," Haruhi sighed. She started to take down some notes, then paused, tapping her pen against the paper. Then she started to take furious notes, but not on Kokoro.

A high percentage of people have supernatural powers?!

I have supernatural powers. Strong ones.

Who are my parents?

Haruhi froze while writing that down, but then took a deep breath and forced herself to continue.

My mother is from America. My father is from this town.

I have no grandparents on either side (that I know of).

My only living relatives are supposedly Kiriko, Aunty T, and Uncle Seiya.

Kiriko has phenomenal cosmic powers too.

Aunty T and my mom have been acting really suspiciously lately.

-They keep asking me if I want to tell them something

-Aunty T mentioned that North Hospital takes all the "unusual cases."

-Mom acted really weirdly when I mentioned magic.

Uncle Seiya is a freak of nature who looks and acts like the goddamn Batman.

What the hell kind of name is Ryuuguuin anyway?

Kiriko mentioned our parents were lying to us.

What kind of name is Suzumiya either?

Am I a light novel character?

Haruhi gave up after that last one. It was one thing to admit there were supernatural powers in the world, but thinking she was the protagonist of some manga or something was the path to madness.

However...Haruhi tapped the paper with her pen, frowning. She glanced at Kyon, but he was still looking nervously towards Asakura every couple of seconds or staring longingly at Yuki. Gross.

Well. If people were not going to tell Haruhi the truth, then she was damn well going to figure out the truth herself. And she had a pretty good idea of where to start.

When the bell rang, Haruhi cornered Gato, who looked flustered and worried as Haruhi, Kyon, and Yuki loomed over her.

"Y-yes?" Gato squeaked.

"You tell Koizumi that if he's ever going to show his smug prick face at this school again, he better be willing to apologize," Haruhi ordered, sticking her finger under the other girl's nose.

"I-I can't tell the Director that! H-he's way too scary to-"

"If you wish to send a message to Itsuki Koizumi, I would be happy to relay it," Ms. Mori said, causing Haruhi to spin about.

"Ok, how many of you people are planted in my class?" Haruhi demanded bluntly.

Mori's eyes darted to Gato, who blushed and bowed. "I'm sorry! I just, Asakura was trying to kill Haruhi, and then the new girl was using her powers, and Tanaka and Kishimoto could have been hurt and I just-"

"I will expect a full report from you later, Agent Gato," Mori said coolly. She turned to regard Haruhi thoughtfully. "Will you be expecting Gato to join the SOS Brigade?"

Haruhi considered this, then turned back to Gato. "Are you an interesting person?"

"Um, not….really? I mean, I do fight Celestials now, but, um...mostly I just stay home and read web novels when I'm not on duty," Gato stammered.

Great. This girl had incredible psychic powers and thought Haruhi had given them to her. Instead of going out and doing amazing things with her abilities, she just stayed in and browsed the internet.

"Well then you don't have to join. You can go read your webnovels," Haruhi told Gato.

The girl's face immediately brightened. "Thank you! I-I will! And I'll keep using my powers to keep the world safe, Lady Haruhi!" Gato skipped off, humming to herself, thrilled at the thought of being ordinary and boring for an afternoon.

Haruhi turned back to Mori, pursing her lips. "Are you interesting?"

"That depends on your definition of interesting," Mori said, a faint smile on her lips. "But what is it you wished to tell Director Koizumi?"

"Tell that bastard if he wants to forgive him for lying to me for the past year, he'd better belly crawl and make the apology sound damn good," Haruhi huffed.

"You do realize he did all this to prevent the same cataclysm that occured not long after you did learn the truth?" Mori asked, her tone somewhat cold.

Haruhi wilted slightly. "Yeah. Tell him I'm sorry I turned him into a girl and almost destroyed the world. But he still better apologize!"

"Noted. Anything else?" Mori asked.

"Seriously, how many of my classmates are freaks?" Haruhi demanded. Then she winced. "Um, sorry Yuki."

Yuki just nodded quietly, sticking close to Kyon's side.

"I thought there were only four people with strange abilities at the school," Kyon admitted. "Is there something I didn't know? What's this about Gato and Ikeda being different too?"

Mori sighed and sat down at a student's desk, removing her glasses and rubbing the bridge of her nose. "That is not the case. North High has a...reputation. The number of supernatural and strange beings attending the school is unusually high. It is something of a locus point for those who are 'In the Know' so to speak. I can't give you firm numbers on the entire school, but I can tell you that in your class, Gato is the only other student I am aware of aside from you, Asakura, Nagato, and perhaps Kyon who are not strictly speaking human."

"Me!?" Kyon squeaked. "What the hell am I?"

"I don't know, but I personally always assumed that there was something odd about you that attracted Miss Suzumiya to you," Mori said bluntly. "Perhaps your parents are hiding something from you, we never could tell."

Yeah, Haruhi was definitely doing some research.

"And Gato was Koizumi's spy on me in this class?" Haruhi demanded.

"Yes. Conveniently, she manifested shortly after you both started at North High. We think it was a self defense mechanism for when Asakura attempted to kill Kyon," Mori said. She hesitated, then continued, "And because she was going to commit suicide the first week of school last year."

"She was WHAT?!" Haruhi gasped. "I never- she always seemed so quiet! I mean, not like, sad quiet, she just kept to herself!"

"She was desperately lonely, and the girls she had been friends with in Junior High started bullying her and found new friends. It's a story many of us in the Organization are familiar with," Mori explained. "You saved her life."

Haruhi blinked rapidly, not understanding. "But how? I never even spoke to her outside of class, and even then only once or twice."

"If you gave her powers, and then Koizumi found her," Kyon said slowly. "Then...then you gave her friends, and a place to belong."

Mori nodded. "Exactly. I personally wasn't in danger of committing suicide. I was just a shut in who spent her days as a hermit, hiding from the world. That's how most of us got our start. We'd suddenly receive powers, then Koizumi would find us. And we always knew who had given them to us."

"Me?" Haruhi asked, feeling shaken.

"Yes. So thank you, Haruhi Suzumiya. Some may doubt, but I do not." Mori knelt, her eyes taking on a worshipful cast. "You are the goddess who saved us."

"I...I have to go," Haruhi stammered, hurrying out of the room, Kyon and Yuki hard on her heels.

"Yuki!" Aqua hurried up, Kazuma moseying along behind her. "We're going to go meet with Darkness. Will you be OK by yourself?"

"You're not going to the brigade room?" Kyon asked.

"Private conversation," Kazuma said with a shrug. "But we don't want any of you to get jumped by murder bots or whatever on the way home."

"We'll be fine. I'm just going home," Haruhi sighed. She paused, considering. "Er, my parents will be OK, right? None of this weirdness is going to target them?"

"Your home is warded by powerful data streams," Yuki reported. "Hostile actions cannot take place there."

"Aside from family arguments I guess," Haruhi muttered. "Who put them there?"

Yuki blinked. "The Data Overmind postulations you constructed the data wards."

"Super. Can I put them up anywhere else?" Haruhi asked.

"Unknown."

Groaning, Haruhi pinched her nose. "Right. Ok, here's the deal. I'm...sorta done for the day. Tomorrow is Saturday. We'll get together after school and...I don't know. Figure something out. Sunday...I don't know. We'll take this one day at a time."

"I'm kinda tired too," Kyon admitted. He eyes Kazuma. "No training today?"

"Fat chance. We'll start you on the Silver Masked Brigade training regime this weekend," Kazuma said with a shrug.

"Silver Masked Brigade?" Haruhi asked.

"It's some NEET thing Kazuma does," Aqua said confidently.

"You and my Dad," Haruhi muttered. Now that was a disturbing thought.

Mikuru and Tsuruya agreed they were tired as well, and Haruhi ended up heading home. She was nervous, looking around and jumping at shadows, but she made it back safely enough.

"I'm home," Haruhi called, stepping inside.

"Oh, hey Princess," her Dad said, sticking his head in from the office. "How was your day?"

"Crazy. We had a new teacher," Haruhi said, shaking her head as she tossed her backpack into a corner. "Well, two new teachers."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, Ms. Mori, and Dar-I mean, Ms Ford," Haruhi said.

Her Dad slowly stepped out of the office. "Who was your new teacher?"

"Er, a foreigner. Tina Ford," Haruhi explained.

"A foreigner. Blonde?"

"Um, yeah, she doesn't really look like Mom though. She's tall, kinda scary looking? Probably a pervert too," Haruhi added, thinking of the weird noises and faces Darkness had been making.

"Son of a- Haruhi do you know who your teacher is?" her dad demanded, gripping Haruhi's shoulders, his voice shaking.

"Why? Do you?" Haruhi asked, anger and bitterness rising within her. Her parents were hiding something. Why was everyone lying to her?!

"Princess, Haruhi, I…" Her father licked his lips. "Do you have something you want to tell me?"

"No," Haruhi said, her eyes boring into her father's. He looked away. It broke her heart.

"Ok. I...when you're ready...I'll listen. You know that, right?" her father asked.

"Sure, Dad," Haruhi agreed, turning to head to her room, feeling sick and betrayed all over again.

"Ok. THALIA! We need to talk!" her father bellowed, heading for her mother's studio.

A few minutes later, Haruhi's mother stuck her head into the room. "Um, sweetie, your father and I have to go. We might be...we'll be back late. I left money on the table if you want to order something for dinner. But...but if you wanted to tell us something...maybe you could come with us?"

"Enjoy your date," Haruhi said absently, flipping through the photo album.

Her mother blinked, then smiled. "Oh yes, that's um, yes." Then she paused. "Is that our old photo album?"

"Yeah. That a problem?" Haruhi said, looking up at her mother. Hoping she would say something.

"No. That's wonderful. If you find something...if you have questions...please, just ask, OK?"

"Sure, Mom."

Her parents left, and Haruhi continued to page through the old pictures. She'd started with more recent ones, wondering if she'd notice anything. Most of the pictures were of their family, at various vacation spots, family picnics, and so on. After three years, there were pictures of her aunt and uncle and Kiriko too. After that big fight, they'd stayed apart for a long time.

Growing frustrated, Haruhi randomly flipped through the binder, pausing on a page of her school trip back in her first year of school. She and Kiriko were standing with her mother, smiling and holding hands in front of a tank while a seal seemed to pose for the picture with them. Haruhi was just about to turn the picture, when she noticed something in the glare from the seal tank.

Haruhi dug out the picture, squinting at it. She could barely remember the trip, but she did remember having someone take her picture. If she just remembered...

The face in the reflection was all too familiar, and Haruhi swore under her breath, then picked up her phone, sending off a quick text.

Mikuru, we need to talk. When was the first time you met me?