She was cold. She felt almost like her very bones were aching from the cold. Her shoes clicked against the black tile. She could nearly see her reflection in the polished black tile walls, but she couldn't make out her own features.
Her steps grew faster as she grew closer to the door. It was black, featureless except for the silver handle. She had to go through. What she needed was just beyond there. The handle was painfully cold against her skin. She turned it and stepped inside. The room beyond was a giant circle, still in black stone, and there were more unmarked black doors. She took another step forward, uncertain now, and then there was darkness.
Rachel woke gasping for air. She was freezing, her heart was racing, and she felt as though she'd just run a hundred meters. It took her a moment to realize what was wrong. She had made it through the door. That had never happened before.
Was that important enough to wake Severus?
She curled up in a ball as she thought, trying to warm up her fingers and her feet. It obviously meant something. Meant that he was getting closer maybe? Meant he'd now been beyond the door? But hadn't Severus said that they were guarding that hallway? That's where Mr. Weasley had been guarding when he'd been attacked.
After a moment she decided to get up. She'd had the dream four nights in a row now and something had changed. That obviously meant something. And if she was wrong to wake him up, he would tell her that and she wouldn't do it again. She couldn't take the chance that this meant the Dark Lord had actually gotten closer to what he wanted and she hadn't immediately told someone in case something could be done.
"Lumos," she said once she had her wand in hand. She put on her glasses and her watch - it was now almost two o'clock in the morning - and picked out a jumper to go over her nightgown, and a pair of socks from her wardrobe.
Midnight pressed against her ankles and meowed.
Rachel bent down and scooped her up. "You have to stay here. Don't wake Millie," she whispered, setting Midnight on her bed.
Semi-dressed, she collected and lit her wand again and slipped out of the dorm. She went down the hallway and out into the common room and was surprised to see someone sleeping on one of the couches by the fireplace. She looked closer; two someones actually. It was Jacob and Diane and they were not entirely dressed.
Averting her eyes - she certainly knew about sex but she also definitely didn't want to see her classmates like that - she made her way out of the common room.
"Miss Rachel?" Curbin asked as soon as she stepped in front of his portrait. "Should you be out here alone?"
"I'm going to see Severus, I had a nightmare," she said, raising her wand to see him better.
Curbin nodded. "I'm sure he will give you the potion you need. Perhaps ask him to give you some vials so you don't have to leave your dorm at night to get them."
"I will," she lied. She wasn't about to explain her whole thing with sleeping potions to a portrait, not even to Curbin.
"Go straight to his office, no detours. You know my other frame is there and I will tell him if you don't show up," Curban said as he got to his feet.
"I'm going there, I swear. If I was sneaking out I certainly wouldn't be going in my nightgown," she pointed out.
Curbin chuckled. "You may be surprised how many students try to do just that."
She resisted the urge to go back and put on a pair of trousers. It wasn't like Severus hadn't seen her nightgown before and she didn't want to sneak past Jacob and Diane again. Five minutes later she let herself into Severus' office. She waved at the smaller portrait, where Curbin was waiting for her, and then stepped through the permeable wall into Severus' quarters.
She knew the wards would wake Severus up in a moment. In the meantime she went and crouched down next to the fireplace, trying to warm her hands even though the fire was low for the night.
"Rachel? What are you doing?" Severus asked as he came into the room. He had thrown his robes over his pajamas.
"Trying to get warm. I'm not sure I should have woken you up for this, but it felt important that you know now, just in case it means something," she said, wishing she could get even closer to the flames.
"Another vision?" he asked. He moved his wand to conjure a blanket and then pointed his wand at it. "Here, I cast a warming charm on the blanket, wrap it around you and I'll stoke the fire."
Rachel accepted the warm blanket and burrowed into it. It felt so good against her skin.
"And, for the record, if you think it's important enough to wake me up, then it's important enough to wake me up. I would much rather you err on the side of caution when it comes to these visions. And if you ever needed something in the night, even just to talk or someone to sit with, I'm here for that too," he offered as he sat in his armchair. "Move away from the fire so I can work with it."
She didn't think she'd ever wake him up for just someone to talk to. That was going too far. The visions though, those were important. Or at least, they might be. She curled up on the couch, wrapping her feet in one end of the blanket and watched as Severus made the fire bigger with his wand. "I've had the vision about the Ministry corridor four nights in a row now, starting Monday night. I was going to tell you about it at dinner this Sunday, but it changed tonight."
"How did it change?" he asked, leaning forward to watch her.
"I opened the door and I stepped through into a circular room. It was made of the same black stone tiles. They were everywhere - the floor, the walls, and the ceiling. And there were more black doors, all identical. I wasn't able to count how many before I woke up," she explained. "Does that sound like somewhere you know? Is that what is really beyond the door?"
"I wouldn't know, I've never been in the Department of Mysteries. I've actually never seen this hallway myself," Severus said.
"Would Professor Dumbledore know?"
"I imagine the answer is yes, but if not, I'm sure he can find out," he said.
Rachel hesitated. Severus didn't seem panicked or worried. "Was that important enough to have woken you up? Is that the sort of thing I should wake you up for?"
"Yes, definitely. I'm glad you did. I simply don't know what it means."
"Wouldn't it mean that he's somehow got past the door, if he knows what's beyond it?" she pressed.
"Perhaps, or perhaps he hasn't and that's what he wants you to think. With all things, it's important to consider the source of the information. We know for certain that the Dark Lord is an unreliable source and that he may attempt to disguise falsehoods as facts. It's possible that he has learned what lies beyond that door but hasn't been there himself. It should almost be impossible for him to simply enter the Ministry undetected." Severus frowned.
"Almost?"
"Nothing is for certain in this world. Particularly with the Imperius curse, there's the possibility that he has Unspeakables working for him now. There's also the possibility that he's captured an Unspeakable and has seen this room in their mind."
To Rachel, that didn't sound almost impossible for the Dark Lord to get into the Ministry, it actually sounded pretty easy. "What do we do?"
"I will tell Albus in the morning. We would have heard by now if there was an alert from the guard at the Ministry. That he's been sending you these visions for four nights now must mean something, but perhaps Albus will know what it is." Severus shook his head slightly.
Rachel frowned as she weighed the pros and the cons of what she was about to ask. "Can you tell me what he's trying to get? What's so important that's in there? Is it a weapon? Are there such things as magic weapons?"
"Research into magical weaponry, especially magical weaponry on scale with what muggle weaponry can do, is prohibited by the International Confederation of Wizards and even attempting to research or develop it is punishable by imprisonment, sometimes for life. I don't think I have to tell you that the impact of a mass scale magical weapon would be absolutely devastating and would undoubtedly reveal the presence of magic to the muggles. There have been suggestions that there was magical weaponry involved in the war with Grindelwald, but as far as the public knows nothing was ever confirmed. Even the Dark Lord feared mass exposure to the muggles enough to not wish to dabble with anything of the kind," Severus explained.
She nodded. If the muggles could nuke a city, god only knew what wizards could manage to do if they put their minds to it.
"The Dark Lord is looking for a specific piece of information that is inside the Department of Mysteries. However, I would like to consult with Albus before I tell you what it is," he continued.
"Does it make sense to tell me?" she asked. She had mostly wanted to know because she wanted to know why she was having these visions.
"I think we are at the point that it does." Severus paused and looked at the fire. "If the Dark Lord is changing these visions further, I believe it is important that you know the truth, before he tries to use it to manipulate you. I would much rather you hear this from me than from him."
She sat and tried to figure out what all this meant. The Dark Lord wanted a piece of information. Professor Dumbledore and Severus knew it. The information was kept in the Department of Mysteries for some reason. It was obviously important somehow. And somehow the Dark Lord knew enough of it that Severus was worried it would be used to manipulate her. This was the sort of riddle a Ravenclaw would enjoy, but Rachel hadn't the slightest idea what it could be unless it somehow involved her connection to the Dark Lord. But why would that be in the Department of Mysteries and what would they know that the Dark Lord wouldn't?
"I will talk with Albus today, and then we will take some time and talk tomorrow afternoon," he said after a long moment. "Are you still chilled?"
She was, but not as bad as she had been. "Only a little. I almost feel like I should be wearing gloves."
"That's easy enough to fix," he said, standing up. He conjured two woolen gloves and brought them to her. "I put a warming charm on them too. Do you want me to refresh the warming charm on the blanket?"
"Yes, please," she said, sliding her hands into the gloves. "Thank you."
"Of course."
"Do you think the Dark Lord is cold all the time, and that's why I'm cold after these visions?" she asked.
"I'm not certain. It's a possibility," he said as he returned to his armchair. "Would you like to stay here tonight, or would you like me to walk you back to your dorm?"
Rachel abruptly remembered Jacob and Diane on the couch and blushed. "Uh. Well. Um." She couldn't quite come up with the words she needed. She definitely was not talking about sex with Severus.
"Is something wrong?" he asked.
She looked away so she was steadily looking at the couch. "Jacob and Diane are on the couch in the common room and they're a little bit undressed so you might not want to go in there," she said in a rush.
Severus sighed heavily. "For Merlin's sake." He got to his feet. "Are you alright to remain here for a few minutes by yourself?"
She glanced at him and found him buttoning his robes. "You're going to go in there?"
"Before a first year wakes up and sees them like that? I certainly am." He paused and looked at her. "You are alright here on your own?"
"Yes, I'm fine. It wasn't a bad dream. I wasn't scared or upset. I just thought you should know about it," she said, glad that she wasn't him.
He nodded. "I'll be back shortly."
Rachel snuggled more deeply into the blanket. She hoped she hadn't gotten Jacob and Diane into too much trouble.
Severus sat in his armchair with a cup of tea. It had been a poor night. The week itself hadn't gone very well either. He was deeply disappointed in his House and he wasn't sure where he had gone wrong.
Eleven students in his House had joined the Inquisitorial Squad. Eleven. He was sure there would have been more if the Inquisitorial Squad wasn't restricted to upper years.
Some had not been a surprise. He'd expected as much from Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Diane, Avery, Jacob, and perhaps even Cassius. Others, like Simon, Maxwell, and Tristram had been a little more surprising. He hadn't realized that his sixth year boys felt that way. Maybe he hadn't been paying close enough attention to them?
His jaw had nearly dropped when he saw Tracey Nettlebed walk into his classroom with a silver Inquisitorial Squad pin on her uniform. Had he picked his prefects so poorly?
He had asked to speak with her privately and she had stumblingly explained that her mother supported the Ministry and this was something she felt she had to do, but that she believed Rachel. Severus had assured her that she did not have to join the Inquisitorial Squad, that he would protect her if need be, but she had just shaken her head and told him that things would work out alright. Severus had left it at that.
And then there was the matter of finding Jacob and Diane sleeping half dressed in the common room last night. Both had been bright red as he had lectured them. He had assigned each of them a month's worth of weekday detentions and had told Diane that if she put one step out of line that he would take her prefect's badge. He half felt that he should have regardless. He'd also insisted that Diane go to Poppy in the morning to see if there was a need for emergency contraception. There hadn't been a pregnant student at Hogwarts since Severus himself had been a student and he had no intention of letting it happen in his House.
On top of that he'd received the list of detentions that Umbridge had assigned and found that there had been two in his House. He had spoken with both of them and found that both of them had been given the same punishment of writing lines with a blood quill. Fergus had said that he hadn't wanted to tell anyone what had happened. Sylvia had said that she hadn't known that Umbridge wasn't supposed to do that, she'd never had detention before and she didn't know what to expect. Both of them had faint lines on their hands, thankfully too faint for the writing to be made out clearly. He had emphasized with both of them that he wanted to know if someone hurt them so he could put a stop to it. Fergus had just seemed embarrassed, but Sylvia had said that she was glad he was doing something about it and that she'd heard what had happened to Rachel and Millie.
For now he planned to have a private meeting with each student in his House. Clearly he had completely lost touch if all of this was happening without his awareness. He also needed to re-evaluate how he chose prefects. He had already helped Pansy write a letter to her parents and had emphasized that between being a prefect and studying for her OWLs, in addition to what she was doing for her parents, she simply couldn't manage being on the Inquisitorial Squad.
He finished his tea and checked the clock on the mantel again. It was now seven in the morning and Albus was undoubtedly awake. He went to the fireplace and threw in a handful of floo powder. "Headmaster's office. Albus, may I speak with you?"
"Of course, please come through," Albus called back.
Severus stepped through and out of the fireplace into the Headmaster's office.
Albus was sitting at his desk with several piles of parchment in front of him. He adjusted his glasses and looked at Severus. "You have news."
"Of sorts," Severus said, preparing himself for what he was going to tell Albus. He was almost certain Albus would not want him to do this. "There has been a change in Rachel's visions."
"I see. I presume this happened last night?"
"Yes. She has been experiencing the vision of the hallway in the Ministry for the last four nights, but last night was the first night she was able to step beyond the door. She says she found herself in a circular room with the same black tile and several black doors."
Albus' lips tightened momentarily. "That is indeed the entryway to the Department of Mysteries. What happened after she found herself in this room?"
"I believe she woke up, she did not indicate that anything further happened, only that she didn't have enough time to count the doors."
"Did she indicate that there was an emotion associated with this? Or a feeling? Something she felt she needed to do?" he probed.
"Not that she mentioned, though I can ask her." He paused and then decided to ask. "Do you have any idea what this might mean?"
"Several, but currently with no way of determining which, if any, it might be. At the very least he has enough knowledge of the inside of the Department of Mysteries to send this vision, though it's curious as to why it has changed now and why she can't go further."
"I assume the guard rotation has been going smoothly?" Severus asked.
"Yes, there's been no reports of a disturbance since the attack on Arthur. If Voldemort or a Death Eater has made it into the Department of Mysteries, it's not happening at night." Albus sounded entirely confident.
"And, theoretically, there should be too many people there for it to happen during the day. Unless there is a newly recruited Death Eater in the Department of Mysteries, or an Unspeakable is under the Imperius curse."
"Either is a possibility, though I believe it would still be difficult to bring Voldemort himself through the Ministry. He would be foolhardy to attempt it at this stage, and Voldemort is rarely that."
Severus nodded. That was true enough. It was time to get to the heart of the matter. "I intend to tell Rachel the full prophecy."
Albus watched him for a moment. "Do you intend to tell her how Voldemort came to know what he knows of the prophecy?"
"I do. She deserves to know." He couldn't lie to her about that. Not if he wanted to continue to keep her trust later in life.
"Do you believe that is going to have a negative impact on your relationship with Rachel when she needs your support right now?" he pressed.
"I have no doubt that this will be difficult for Rachel to hear, but she and I will work through it together. I believe this is the right thing to do. In fact, I believe it's the only thing to do. If Rachel does not hear this from me, she will hear it from the Dark Lord in one form or another." He couldn't allow the Dark Lord to use this information to manipulate her. She needed to know the truth.
Albus sat back against his chair, steepling his fingers as he watched Severus. "I worry about Rachel's well-being. You have done very well with her and she's made tremendous strides over the past four years, but I fear this may be one too many burdens for her to bear. She carries so much already."
"She does, but she is stronger than she seems." Severus thought for a moment. "When would you have me tell her if not now? If the Dark Lord can change these visions at will, he may very well show her what he knows of the prophecy. Or he could show her a distorted prophecy. Rachel already knows that the Dark Lord will stop at nothing to kill her. I think it's time she understands why. I think this is a necessary step in preparing her for what's to come."
"It's no small matter, being told the fate of a war, the fate of a people, rests on your shoulders." Albus looked distant, his gaze lost somewhere else.
"It's not," Severus agreed. "But she is not alone. I will always be there to guard her and I will tell her as much. She has you and the Order behind her. We are not planning to simply send her off to kill the Dark Lord. As unfortunate as it is, this is her future and she must be prepared. If not now, when?" he asked again.
Albus met Severus' eyes. "You know Rachel far better than I do. If you truly believe this is necessary and it's the correct course of action, I will not stand in your way."
"I do believe that," he said, a little surprised at Albus' acquiescence.
"She may have questions that you can't answer. If she does, she is welcome to speak with me as well. When are you planning to tell her?"
"This evening. I wish to do it before her visions have the opportunity to change again." Severus got to his feet. "I appreciate you offering to speak with Rachel if she needs it."
Albus nodded. "We must both do whatever is necessary to safeguard her and prepare her. Was there anything else?"
"No, thank you. I'll leave you to prepare for your day," Severus said, going back to the fireplace. He flooed back to his quarters and stood for a moment. That was it then. It was decided.
Rachel knocked on Severus' office door just before five o'clock and waited. She knew he sometimes had students in there this time of day and she didn't want to interrupt anything, especially if he was telling Diane or Jacob off for last night.
The door opened and Severus looked down at her, his expression pensive. "Thank you for making the time for this today."
She looked up at him, raising her eyebrows. Did he really think she just wasn't going to show up when he asked her to? "Sure."
"Let's sit in our quarters. This might take a little while," he said, moving back to let her through.
Rachel went through his office, through the permeable wall, and over to the couch. She set her bag down at her feet and considered what she wanted to say. "You don't have to tell me. I wasn't trying to get you to tell me something secret when I asked. I was just curious about why I'm having these visions."
Severus sat down in his armchair and looked at her. "Unfortunately this is something that you do need to know. I would prefer you hear it from me than from the Dark Lord. I won't lie to you, Rachel. This will be difficult to hear in a number of ways. It's difficult for me to discuss as well. And, unfortunately, what I'm going to tell you about what the Dark Lord is looking for must remain a secret between you, myself, and Albus. There is no one else in the world who knows it and it must stay that way."
"Is it really a good idea to tell me when we don't know if the Dark Lord can get information from my head?" she asked. The more Severus talked about this the more she didn't want to hear it.
"Albus and I do not believe he can simply take information from your mind. I think we would see a change in how the Dark Lord is operating if that was the case. It is necessary for you to know. Ideally, had the Dark Lord not returned, I would have told you after you reached your majority. As it stands, I believe you must be told now."
She had a really bad feeling about where this was going, even though she couldn't even formulate a guess as to what it was he was going to be telling her. "What happens when I know? What changes?"
"At this point, nothing that we're doing changes. I want to continue to teach you to defend yourself, but right now our work in occlumency must take precedence."
"I don't think the occlumency thing is working." They'd been trying every Saturday and Sunday evening for a month now and while she could now access her shields to let Severus in and enter her own mind easily, they'd made no progress on closing the hole in her shield or moving her manifestation. Every attempt wound up with them both being kicked out of her mental architecture.
"I spoke with Albus and I have a new tactic I would like us to try. I will teach you to manipulate your mental architecture and then we will approach the hole in your shield again and attempt to close it without disturbing your manifestation," he said.
"Both of you still think occlumency is the answer to this?"
"Yes. It seems fairly straightforward. There's a hole in your occlumency shield and he's connecting to your mind through it. If we close the hole that should prevent the connection."
She frowned. "Why weren't you or the Unspeakable able to enter my mind through the hole?"
"Because it is well hidden and neither of us found it. I think at this point we can assume that only the Dark Lord can access it and that it is only because of this connection with you that allows this to happen over a long distance. Do you wish to discuss occlumency before we speak about what we need to speak about?"
He clearly knew she was stalling. "No. I'm just not sure it's the answer, that's all."
"If you continue to have visions after we close the hole, then we will take additional measures. But the first step is closing the hole in your shield. I have spent some time thinking of the best way to tell you this, and I believe that it is best that you know the context of the situation before I tell you what I must," he said, still watching her closely.
Rachel wondered if that wasn't Severus' way of stalling as well. He had said it would be difficult for him to talk about it. "Alright."
"It was January of 1980. I had just turned twenty years old and had completed my Potions Mastery a few months prior. I was working at an apothecary in Knockturn Alley at the time and was an active Death Eater. While by that time I had realized what a serious mistake I had made, I didn't see any way out of it either."
He paused and Rachel nodded to show that she understood.
"One evening the Dark Lord directed me to go to the Hog's Head in Hogsmeade and discover the contents of a conversation that was to take place that evening. Death Eaters were often given tasks such as this, usually without any indication of why or what it was that he hoped for us to discover. It turned out the conversation I was going to listen to was Albus interviewing Sybill Trelawney for the Divination position at Hogwarts, though I still don't know what the Dark Lord originally hoped to gain from knowing the contents of that interview. The interview itself went poorly and Albus was about to deny her the position when she went into a trance and gave a prophecy. Partway through the recitation of the prophecy I was caught and ejected from the Hog's Head. I returned to the Dark Lord and told him what I heard, still not realizing the folly of my actions." He paused again and steadily met her gaze.
"The prophecy is what the Dark Lord wants, because you could only tell him part of it?" she asked.
"Indeed. Inside the Department of Mysteries is a room called the Hall of Prophecy where all true prophecies are recorded by a process developed by the Department of Mysteries. The prophecies can only be handled by those who are referred to in the prophecy. This is why the Dark Lord is attempting to manipulate you into retrieving the prophecy, because it is difficult for him to enter the Ministry undetected."
Rachel froze. "Me? The prophecy is about me?"
"At the time there was no way of knowing who the prophecy would apply to, but now, it is known that it does refer to you." He stopped again, seeming to wait for her.
She thought over the last bit of their conversation. "You said all true prophecies are stored there. Are there prophecies that aren't true?"
"True prophecies are given by what is called a Seer, someone who has glimpses into the future. Prophecies don't always immediately resolve themselves and are generally unclear and hard to decipher. Seers can't control what or when they see, so sometimes their prophecies aren't applicable for many years after they give them. Prophecies also don't always have a precise resolution, they may say that something will happen, and that there are possibilities after that," he explained.
"When did you find out that the prophecy applied to me?" she asked, still dancing around the question of what the prophecy said. She wasn't sure she wanted to know, even though she suspected Severus wouldn't let her leave until she did.
"We weren't sure who it applied to because they had not yet been born. A few months before you were born, we knew you were one of the possibilities," he said. "I believe it will answer more of your questions if I tell you the prophecy now, though I'm sure you will have more questions after."
Rachel nodded warily.
"The prophecy says 'The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches. Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies. The Dark Lord will mark them as his equal, but they will have a power the Dark Lord knows not. Either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives.' I only heard the first two lines of the prophecy, which is what I then told to the Dark Lord."
She sat quietly, turning over the words in her mind. It couldn't mean what she thought it meant, could it? "Either the Dark Lord has to kill me, or I have to kill him?"
"That is our interpretation, yes. Rachel, I know how frightening this must sound, but you do not have to do this alone. I will always be there to protect and defend you. You have Albus' protection and the protection of the entire Order. No one is asking you to simply go up to the Dark Lord and kill him," Severus began.
Rachel shook her head. It was essentially a death sentence. The Dark Lord was going to kill her, it was just a matter of when. She couldn't even protect herself from Professor Umbridge. How could anyone possibly believe she could kill the Dark Lord? A new thought slowly made itself known through the numb horror that had enveloped her. "The Dark Lord attacked me, he attacked my parents, because he believed I was the one in the prophecy."
"Yes. He did." He paused again, his mouth twisting in what seemed to be pain. "And I take responsibility for being the one to tell him the part of the prophecy that I heard. I did not understand what it meant, or even know what the Dark Lord might do with that information. I certainly did not know that Lily was pregnant at the time. When I found out what the Dark Lord intended, I went to Albus and told him what I knew and begged him to protect Lily. I told him I would do anything if he would protect her. He examined my mind with legilimency and found that I was genuine and that I wished to leave the Death Eaters. He asked that I become a spy."
She stared into the fire in the fireplace. At least that answered some questions. And left her with about a dozen more. "Why did you become a Death Eater?" she asked, barely registering the words until they were out of her mouth.
Severus closed his eyes for a moment. "Because I was angry and I wanted the power to stop people from hurting me. I was filled with rage. I hated my parents for the childhood they'd inflicted on me. I hated most of my classmates for bullying me. I hated the teachers and the staff for letting them. Richard Wilkes, a student two years my senior, stood up for me one day. He asked me if I wanted revenge. I told him I did. He wound up introducing me to Evan Rosier, and later Lucius Malfoy. We studied dark arts together, along with Sirius Black's younger brother, Regulus, and also Cameron Mulciber. They told us about the Dark Lord. They made it sound almost noble. We were taking our society back. I convinced myself that they did not know I was a half-blood, although they most certainly did know. Truthfully, I had no feelings one way or another toward muggles and muggleborns. I just wanted to hurt anyone who had aligned themselves with the people who hurt me, and I included most of Hogwarts in that. The Death Eaters were the ones who helped me arrange a funeral for my mother when she passed. They supplied me with housing and a job when I needed to leave home after my sixth year at Hogwarts. After I left Hogwarts and my father died, they helped me arrange to keep the house and they provided the funding I needed to do a Potions Mastery. It took me about six months as a Death Eater to lose any sense that I had done the right thing, and another six months to realize just how bad of a mistake I had made, but I didn't see any way out."
Rachel chewed on her lip. What would she have done if the Death Eaters were her only friends and she'd continued to be sent back to the Dursleys during the summer? She strongly suspected she would have run away at some point or wound up dead. But if neither of those things were true, what then? She just didn't know. "Did you torture people while you were a Death Eater?"
"Yes, at the Dark Lord's instruction."
"Did you kill people?" she asked, wavering on the edge of not wanting to know this about him.
"Yes. Again, at the Dark Lord's instruction. I generally made excuses for myself not to join in the revels, but there were some occasions that I could not avoid." His mouth was set, but his eyes were full of pain.
She hesitated, but this one she really did need to know. "Did you rape people?" she asked, the words barely audible.
"No."
Rachel stared at him, not entirely sure she believed it.
"The Dark Lord was not particularly interested in rape, he had more effective methods of torture. At one revel, Rosier pushed a naked woman at me for my 'turn'. I shoved her away and cursed him. I believe it was after that point that rumors were spread that I preferred men."
She wasn't quite sure what to make of all of that, but she supposed at least Severus wasn't a rapist. "Do you prefer men?" she asked, since they were apparently dealing with all of the uncomfortable questions at once.
"I am attracted to women, but romance and that sort of relationship simply doesn't have a place in my life," he explained.
Maybe they were the same in that regard. She wasn't sure who she was attracted to, she didn't think she was attracted to anyone, but maybe it was just that it didn't have a place in her life.
"Rachel, I make no excuses for the things that I have done. I have considered my work as a spy and in the Order as an atonement of sorts, since neither would have been what I would have chosen for my life, but I am under no disillusion that it in any way makes up for the things that I have done."
She nodded. She didn't know that there was a way to come back from murder and torture. Did this change how she felt about him? Should it? She didn't know. She felt like she knew him, and at the same time she'd known he had a past that he didn't like to speak about. It wasn't like she hadn't known he used to be a Death Eater.
"I understand that this is a lot to take in. Both I and Albus are available if you have questions," he said when she didn't speak.
"Is there anything else that I don't know that I should?" she asked, figuring she might as well know now.
"I have not been telling you the general state of the war because I felt that it would add more stress to your life when there is nothing you can do about it at this point. I still feel that way, but if you have questions, I will answer them."
She considered that. "I want to know if the Death Eaters are attacking people. I want to know if the Dark Lord shows up somewhere. I want to know if the Ministry is in danger of falling."
"And I can tell you those things. Currently, if the Death Eaters are attacking people, they are doing so stealthily. We believe there was an attempted attack by Death Eaters on Halloween at one of the Macmillans, but we don't have anything confirming that. There have been several disappearances that we are still investigating. No one has seen the Dark Lord and we do not know where he is hiding. Right now the Ministry is on the tipping point. We can prevent certain measures from passing in the Wizengamot, but the people voting with us are targets. Albus and the Order are attempting to protect them. We believe there has been recruiting within the Ministry, but we're not certain as to who. Fudge is being influenced by Death Eaters, but is not under the Imperius curse. We are watching the situation closely and are prepared for a number of scenarios."
"Will you tell me if any of those things change?"
"Yes, if you would like me to," he agreed.
She nodded again. Those seemed like the most important things to know. "Can I go?"
"Go?"
"I think I want to go to my dorm and just sit for a little while." She needed to be alone and away from everything and just think for a little bit.
"Yes, if that's what you want," he said after a moment.
She got to her feet and collected her bag. "I just need to think."
"I understand. I am here if you have questions or if you wish to talk," he said, also standing.
"Thanks," she said absently before hurrying back through the permeable wall and then out of Severus' office. She just had to think and try to sort all of this out.
Sitting and thinking hadn't led her to any conclusions. She'd gone straight to her dorm room and curled up on her bed. Midnight had quickly insinuated herself onto her lap and was giving off a low rumbling purr while Rachel absently pet her.
In one way, Severus was right. This didn't really change anything and there wasn't anything to be done about it. She had already known the Dark Lord wanted to kill her. Now she just knew that he would eventually succeed. Of course she would try to stay alive and stay safe, but at some point something was going to happen. In a sense, it was like that for everyone. Everyone died, some younger than others. She just happened to know the cause.
How she felt about Severus right now was a little more tangled up. She had known he'd been a Death Eater, he'd never tried to hide it from her. She had just never pictured him killing someone, or torturing them. He was so kind to her and had been since he'd adopted her. It was hard to imagine anything different.
She looked up when the door opened and then checked her watch. She'd missed dinner, but she was a little surprised Millie wasn't with the rest of the study group. "Everything alright?"
"Theo wanted to send his Patronus to check where you were, but I told him not to in case you were still with Professor Snape. I figured I should check here," Millie said, closing the door behind her and coming to sit on the end of Rachel's bed. "Are you alright?"
Rachel shrugged. She wasn't not alright. She just didn't know what she was supposed to do either. "Severus told me some stuff, but I'm not allowed to tell anyone else. Only Severus and Professor Dumbledore know."
"No offense, but why are they telling you then? They shouldn't be trying to involve you in the war," Millie said.
"It's related to the visions that I see. They didn't want the Dark Lord to tell me something and then I go do something stupid." Weirdly, she could understand that now. She didn't think she would have appreciated the Dark Lord being the one to tell her that Severus had indirectly contributed to the deaths of her parents.
Millie frowned. "Is the Dark Lord talking to you in these visions?"
"No. But he can apparently change them, so who knows what he can actually do with them." That was a little bit of a disturbing thought. The Dark Lord could show her a lot of things that she didn't want to see.
"Is the occlumency stuff not working?" Millie asked as she pulled off her shoes and then turned on the bed so that she was facing Rachel.
"Not yet. There's a hole in my shield that we're trying to fix, but nothing we've tried so far has worked. Next he's going to try to teach me to manipulate my mental architecture."
Millie's mouth twisted. "My dad, when he was teaching me stuff, when I was stuck in reading, he always said go back to the basics. Like maybe, you could have Professor Snape give you the starting lessons and then work your way up?"
"Maybe." She wasn't even sure what the starting lessons would be. All of her stuff was already in her mind.
Millie sighed. "I don't know that I've ever told you that I'm dyslexic."
"That's where you have trouble with reading?" Rachel asked. She thought she'd at least heard of it before.
She nodded. "It was hard for me to learn how to read. I mixed up letters a lot, couldn't put them together in words that were longer than about three letters. I couldn't read out loud very well and I couldn't figure out new words."
Rachel hesitated. "But you do alright now?" She knew Millie was a slower reader and writer than she was, but she hadn't realized it was because of something like this.
"I do. I was eight years old, and I still couldn't read. My dad went out into the muggle world and found a specialist in teaching kids with dyslexia and I was taught a bunch of different techniques and strategies for how to read and write. My spelling still isn't great, but it's much better than it was. My parents fought about it a lot. And my mom said it was obviously something that my dad's family gave me because this doesn't happen to witches and wizards. I just remember the way my mom reacted to it. Like there was something wrong with me, that was caused because my dad was muggleborn. It was like she was saying something was wrong with both of us. I don't know that I ever really forgave her for that." Millie shrugged and met Rachel's eyes. "So I don't really tell anyone about it, because they might react the same way my mom did."
"It's understandable that you feel that way. I'm sorry she did that," Rachel said. "I wonder if there are other witches and wizards who are dyslexic and they keep it a secret because they were told the same thing. Do you want me to ask Torey? She'd probably know. I thought I was the only person who didn't talk, but she told me she's worked with lots of kids who had trouble speaking."
"Maybe. It would be nice to know," Millie said. "I don't think I would have done as well at Hogwarts without our study group. My parents were worried about me when I first came here, but they were really surprised at the end of our first year when they got my grades. I like being seen as one of the top students in our year, even if people say stupid stuff."
Rachel sat up straight. "Like what?"
Millie shrugged again. "Just stuff I've heard in the halls sometimes. One upper year girl said I looked like a troll and then laughed about it with her friend."
"Do you know what House they were in?" she asked. She never heard anything like that in the halls, but she also didn't usually pay all that much attention to what people were saying around her.
"No. It doesn't matter. Don't worry about it," Millie said, looking away.
"It does matter. If you do hear something and I don't, tell me, and we can see if we can figure out who it is." Rachel frowned when Millie shook her head. "Are you any happier than I am about not doing anything about the girls who were bullying Luna?"
"No. I still think Professor Flitwick should have helped Luna have a different dorm room or something."
Rachel nodded. "Then why would we feel any differently about this?"
"Because it doesn't matter all that much to me, and I think I understand a little bit why Luna feels that way too. It's annoying and hurtful, but I don't really care that much what they think because I know the people who matter to me don't think that way. I feel protected with our study group, and now with the DA too. I like seeing the other DA members in the halls and knowing that they'd draw their wands for me," Millie explained.
"I like that too. It's your choice. If you want to do something about it, we will." That was the best she could do until she heard something in the halls herself.
"There's something else I should probably tell you. I haven't yet, because I haven't wanted to add to your problems," Millie said, looking a little sad.
It seemed like it was a day for discussing hard things. "I always want to help you, Millie, no matter what it is. Your problems are my problems."
"Well, there isn't really anything we can do about it, and I don't think it will change anything, but I just feel like I've been keeping it a secret from you. My parents don't think the Dark Lord is back. They think that you're being manipulated by Professor Dumbledore." Millie paused and shrugged. "I didn't want to tell you, you get enough of that from other people."
"Do they want you to stop being friends with me?" Rachel asked, a little bit worried.
"No, nothing like that. They actually wanted me to tell them if you ever met with Professor Dumbledore and came back acting weird."
Rachel nodded. "That's fine then. I don't really care what they believe as long as it's not hurting you. Besides, everyone will know the truth soon enough."
"Is the Dark Lord doing something?" Millie asked, her eyes wide.
"Not yet. Apparently he might be recruiting in the Ministry, but there haven't really been any attacks other than the one that might have happened with the Macmillans. I asked Severus to tell me if anything happens with the Dark Lord, but with my visions, I might be the one to know first." She didn't mind that much if she acted as an early warning system if it meant lives could be saved, but she would prefer not to watch people get tortured and murdered.
"I guess so. Can you tell me, if you know?"
"As long as they don't say it's a secret for some reason, I will," Rachel agreed.
"Do you kind of just want to take the evening off?"
"Yeah, actually. Is Theo still out in the common room?" She didn't want to leave him waiting for them.
"I told him that if I didn't show up in five minutes to assume that we were done for the night and that if we needed him we'd send a Patronus message or come knock on his door," Millie explained. "He convinced Hermione that our assignments could wait for tomorrow if you were busy with Professor Snape tonight and said that it was fifty-fifty on whether we'd be back up to the Room tonight."
"I think I just want to stay here," Rachel admitted. Maybe she would write in her journal, or read something for fun. Or just lay on her bed and not move for a while.
"That's fine. It's good to take an evening off once in a while, especially after whatever happened with Professor Snape. What he told you, is it very bad?" Millie asked.
"Depends on how you look at it. Nothing is really changing." That was probably about as much as she could get away with saying. "Can you hand me my journal from the bottom of my wardrobe and my quill, I think Midnight is asleep now."
"Sure," Millie said, getting up and digging in Rachel's wardrobe. "Wouldn't do to wake the cat or she'll keep all of us up."
Rachel looked down at Midnight. "We all know who is really in charge in the dorm."
"She knows it too," Millie said, closing the wardrobe and handing Rachel her journal and a quill. "I think I am just going to stare at the ceiling for like thirty minutes. Maybe I'll want to do something after that."
"Do you want me to wake you if you fall asleep?" Rachel asked, flipping through her journal for a clean page.
"If it's time to go to bed and I'm asleep, wake me up so I can change my clothes and do a teeth cleaning charm," Millie said, pulling down the covers on her bed.
"Will do," Rachel said, getting her quill just right in her hand. She placed it against the top of the page and wrote the title for her list.
'Things I want to do before I die.'
"How was your week?"
Rachel looked at Torey and tried to think of the right word for her week. She couldn't say anything about her visions, therefore she couldn't say anything about being awake at night and why she was tired. She couldn't really talk about what Severus had told her anyway, at least not the bit about the prophecy. She didn't even know where her mind was.
"It seems like that might be a difficult question right now?" Torey prompted after a little bit.
"Can I ask you a question?" Rachel asked, still trying to figure out how to put what she wanted to say into words.
"Of course. Anything."
"I don't know how I'm supposed to feel," Rachel started. She'd been awake a fair portion of the night, her mind going over everything she and Severus had talked about. She still hadn't come to any conclusions.
"I don't think you're supposed to feel any particular way about anything. However you feel is however you feel, and that's okay," Torey said when Rachel didn't continue.
Rachel frowned. She didn't even know how she felt. She wasn't sure she felt anything. "Aren't I supposed to feel something though? I think other people would under the same circumstances."
"From some of our conversations in the past, I think sometimes you have a hard time recognizing that you're feeling something in some situations. And in some situations, you've blocked yourself from accessing your feelings. That was helpful when you were younger, because you needed to be in control over your emotions to help you have a better chance of safety and survival. It will take time and practice to help you feel them again."
She shifted on the couch. She did not want to talk about her relatives and her childhood today. "I feel some things. I feel a lot of things, really. Just sometimes I don't when I probably should. I can't even figure out what it is I should be feeling."
Torey nodded. "That's not uncommon. And like I said before, there's no should when it comes to feeling. Do you want to talk about the circumstances you mentioned?"
Rachel knew better to say that she couldn't talk about some of it. That would just lead to another disagreement between Torey and Severus and she definitely didn't want to deal with that. Some of it she thought she could talk about though. "Can you not tell Severus we talked about this? It's about him."
"I won't. Rachel, I don't tell Severus about the things that we talk about. In general when we talk, he asks me about your general well being and then tells me if there is something he's concerned about or asks for advice for parenting. I'm not going to talk with him about what we talk about in here unless you give me permission."
She knew that. She just wanted to be sure. "Severus told me some about what he did as a Death Eater. Both about why he joined the Death Eaters and the things he did while he was a Death Eater."
"That sounds like a difficult conversation for both of you," Torey said.
Rachel waited, but was glad when Torey didn't press for details. "I feel like I already knew some of it. Or I should have known. I've known he used to be a Death Eater since shortly after he adopted me, though I didn't really understand what it meant at the time. And I understood more as I got older and learned about the things the Death Eaters did. I just have a really hard time imagining him doing those things."
"You know him at a different time in his life and in a different context. People are often at least a little bit different depending on who they're with and what sort of situation they're in. And I have no doubt that Severus has grown and changed as a person in sixteen years. Most people do. Think about how much you have changed just in the past five years," Torey said.
"I've changed in some ways, but in a lot of ways I'm still the same person." A lot of the changes had just been because she was in an entirely different situation, which, after she thought about it, was a little bit what Torey was saying too.
"Yes, you're still Rachel. But don't discount all the growth you've done. And I'm not saying that Severus is an entirely different person either. He is still the person who did those things. Do you think it's likely that he would do anything similar now?" Torey asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Not in the same way. I think in a situation where there was fighting, if he had to kill to save someone's life, or to help someone escape, I think he would," she said after thinking about it for a moment. "And, I think, when he killed before, he said it was at the Dark Lord's direction. I think he probably would have been killed if he hadn't done what the Dark Lord expected of him."
Torey nodded. "That's also an important distinction to make. Did Severus join the Death Eaters of his own volition?"
"Yes, but they were helping him. They helped him with a lot of hard things. And there was no one else in his life. I think, if it was me, and the Death Eaters were the ones protecting me from my relatives, I might have joined them too. I don't know. I don't think I could kill anyone. I don't think I could even hurt someone." Rachel paused and frowned. "He said that he had made a mistake. He knew that after six months of being a Death Eater."
"It's good that he recognizes that. It sounds like he feels remorse for the things that he did?"
"I think he does. He says that he can't ever make up for the things that he did." She thought he included telling the Dark Lord about the prophecy in that. It certainly seemed that he had cared a lot about her mom. "But shouldn't I feel something about this? Shouldn't I feel differently about him now that I know this?"
"How do you feel about him? Either currently or before you had this conversation with him?" Torey asked.
That was a hard question too. Not in a bad way, just in a way that was difficult to put into words. "I trust him. I feel like he protects me and that if I come to him and say that something is hurting me that he'll try to fix it. And I care about him. It's pretty similar to the way I feel about my friends, but a little bit different too, but I don't know how to put it into words. And I don't know that any of that has changed because of what he's told me."
"Do you feel safe with him, even knowing the things that he's done?"
"Yes. I'm pretty much positive he'd never do something like that to me. He said that he'd never raise a hand to me, and I believe him. Sometimes I get scared when he's mad, even knowing that, but I don't think that's because of him." She stopped there, still not wanting to get into stuff about her childhood.
"It's good that you can recognize that. I don't think that knowing what he's told you has to change the way you feel about him. It's okay if it does, but if it doesn't, that's okay too. People can and do change, and while his past will always be a part of him, that doesn't mean you can't care about him or trust him," Torey said, meeting Rachel's gaze.
"It doesn't make me a bad person?" Rachel asked.
"Why would it?" Torey countered.
"Because some of the things he's done are pretty bad. Like, really bad, actually. I'm pretty sure that if he'd been caught, he would be in prison." She didn't want to name exactly what Severus had done, just in case it could get him into trouble.
"It's a very complicated subject. People are complex. There are many people who have done some very bad things and they still have families who care about them and love them. I want you to ask yourself this, who does it hurt for you to care about him? Is anyone being harmed or placed in danger by you caring about him?" Torey asked.
Rachel bit on her lip while she thought about it. Maybe the family members of people who he had killed? But they wouldn't know who had killed their relatives, or Severus would be in prison. She wondered if Severus even knew who he had killed. "I don't think it hurts or harms anyone. I don't think anyone is in danger from Severus."
Torey nodded. "Then I don't see why it would have any impact on what kind of person you are. Just because you care about someone, doesn't mean you have to approve of every action they've ever taken. You don't have to think that the things that he did were right, or even okay. You're allowed to feel about them however you feel and you're also allowed to care about him at the same time."
"Do you think I'm a bad person?" she asked, wanting to be sure.
"No. Not at all. Do you think you're a bad person?"
Rachel sighed. She should have seen that one coming. "I try not to be. I know I'm not perfect, but I try."
"You don't have to try to be perfect to be a good person. Perfection is impossible. Everyone has accidents, makes mistakes, accidentally hurts someone's feelings, thinks a mean thought. It's part of being human. Absolutely no one is perfect."
"I guess, I try to be a good person. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I try to be supportive of my friends, but I don't always know what to do to help them. And I want to help Draco, but I don't know what to do. Everyone thinks he's going to be a Death Eater. And sometimes I think they're right, but I don't think that it's really what he wants." She couldn't understand how anyone could want to be subject to the Dark Lord. Even Severus hadn't wanted that exactly, he'd just wanted safety and the power to keep himself safe.
"And you can't make Draco's choices for him, even if you feel like he's making a bad choice. You can be friends with him and be supportive and maybe even tell him why you believe what you believe, but at the end of the day, Draco is the one who has to decide what to do with his life," Torey said, nodding when Rachel looked at her.
"I know. I just want to help him. Can I ask you a totally unrelated question?" she asked, remembering her conversation with Millie yesterday.
"Yes, of course."
"Do some witches and wizards have dyslexia, or is it only something they can get if they have muggleborn family members?"
"I'm not sure how common dyslexia is among witches and wizards, but I have known pureblood witches and wizards with dyslexia, so I would say it's not just something that people with direct muggle ancestry have. Dyslexia is hereditary though, meaning that if parents or grandparents have it, it's more common that their child might have it," Torey explained. "Do you know someone with dyslexia?"
Rachel thought she'd have to tell Millie both of those things privately. "My friend Millie does. She says she had a special teacher who taught her how to read. But her mom said that it was only something muggles had, so that it must have been from her dad's family."
"If one of her dad's parents or grandparents has dyslexia, then that's a possibility, but I don't think she can make that assumption just because they are muggles," Torey said.
"I don't think Millie would know if they did. Her dad's family left him when he was seventeen." Rachel frowned. "It's a little weird, but my friend Neville seems to be the only one with grandparents around. Maybe Ginny does, but she's never said anything about them. I don't know what happened to my grandparents, Severus doesn't either. I mean, I know they died, but I don't know why. Hermione said that her grandparents are dead too. And from what I understand, Luna's dad is the only family she has."
"I wasn't here in Britain at the time, but from what I understand the war affected basically every wizarding family in some way," Torey said.
Rachel nodded. "Severus said something like eleven percent of the wizarding population was killed by the end of the war. It's hard to imagine that, and it was only sixteen years ago. My parents died. Neville's parents are in the hospital forever. Ginny's uncles died. I'm sure there are a lot of other students at Hogwarts who lost family members too."
"I'm sure there are," Torey agreed.
"Do you think the war is going to be like that again?" she asked, even though that was probably a better question for Severus.
"I don't know what it's going to be like. It's a little scary to think about."
"It is. I try not to think about it too much, but it's hard to avoid. Every time I'm reading the newspaper I'm checking to see if there was a Death Eater attack that they're calling something else. Or if they're just saying stupid things in the paper about me again." She rolled her eyes. "If I didn't have other plans for my life, I'd buy the Daily Prophet and turn it into a legitimate newspaper." Not that she was going to live long enough to do anything of the sort.
Torey chuckled. "It's nice to have the option in your back pocket in case you decide to use it."
Rachel nodded but found herself retreating a little bit. Who knew how much time she had, but she needed to make a plan to do all the things she needed to do.
She was still tired when she went down into the dungeons on Saturday evening. Severus had asked her to have dinner with him tonight in addition to their occlumency practice. She hoped he didn't want to talk about stuff again. She went into his office, through the permeable wall, and found Severus in his armchair with a pile of essays and a bottle of red ink. "First years?" she guessed, based on the amount of comments he'd written and the numerous cross-outs.
"Second," he said, glancing up for a brief moment. "Let me finish this one and we can eat. Was there anything in particular you wanted for dinner tonight?"
"No, whatever they're having in the Great Hall is fine," she said, setting her bag down and sinking into the couch. She'd spent the majority of the day with her study group catching up on the homework and study sessions that they hadn't had last night. She'd written three essays and done about twenty equations for Arithmancy. Tomorrow they had another essay, a rune translation, OWL prep, and of course she had Quidditch practice, and likely they'd go visit Hagrid as well. Hopefully she was tired enough that she'd actually sleep tonight.
She watched as Severus marked 'poor' at the top of the essay and set the stack aside. "Do most students not do well on your essays?"
"The first and second years struggle in general, though there are a few exceptions. Usually the third, fourth, and fifth years have some idea of what I'm looking for, though again, with a few exceptions. My NEWT students are almost always proficient," he said as he got up. "I'll call the kitchens."
Rachel nodded and wandered over to the table and sat down. "How do the House Elves know where the table is? If you moved the table, would they still send the food here?" she asked when he joined her.
"I don't know exactly how House Elf magic works. I presume they know where the table is because they clean my quarters. I'm not sure what would happen if I moved the table and they had yet to see it," he said as their food appeared.
"Is there a spell that makes something disappear from somewhere and appear somewhere else?" she asked, looking at the roast beef, potatoes, and creamed corn. Not her favorite, but she could probably eat it.
"You can charm objects to do just that, the tables in the Great Hall work that way, they are mirrored in the kitchens. I'm not sure if there is a spell that does it directly though, or if it's just House Elf magic that can do it. House Elves can do some things that humans can't."
She thought that would be a useful spell, but potentially messy if it went wrong. She thought Fred and George would sure like it for their pranks though.
"How have you been doing, since we talked yesterday?" Severus asked, his silverware in hand.
"Fine," she said, still examining her food. Maybe she'd just eat the potatoes.
Severus set his silverware down. "Fine?"
She sighed. She did not want this to be an issue. "It's a lot to think about."
"It is. Have you thought of any questions that you wish to ask me or Albus?" he asked.
"Not really." She picked up her fork and looked at the potatoes and imagined eating them. It was kind of disgusting now that she thought about it, actually.
"I understand that what I told you must be frightening. Anyone would be scared. But I will protect you and Albus will protect you. All of us, including the Order, will be working together on this. We are not going to ask you to do any of this alone," he said, his gaze steady.
She looked at him, raising her right eyebrow. Was he kidding? "Severus, I get it, alright. It's a death sentence. I know you'll keep me safe for as long as possible, but this is happening."
Severus reached out and wrapped his hand around her left forearm, not tight enough to hurt, but tight enough to keep her there. "Listen to me. Are you listening?"
Rachel nodded, a little alarmed.
"It is not a death sentence. I will not let him kill you. I will not even let him near you. You are well protected and that protection will continue after you finish at Hogwarts. You are my top priority and one of Albus' top priorities as well. We will protect you. The Order will protect you. After you finish at Hogwarts we will work out a plan and train you. We can do this. We will kill him together and end this war for good." His tone was firm and he was staring into Rachel's eyes as if willing her to believe it.
"Okay," she said, seriously uncomfortable by this point.
"Do you think I believe you would change your opinion so easily?" he asked, just as intensely.
"Can I have my arm back first?" she asked.
He let go of her arm as if he'd been hit by static shock. "My apologies. I reacted without thinking."
"It's fine," she said, tucking her arm against her stomach.
"If you can not believe that you will survive, can you believe that I will do anything to protect you?"
She nodded. That much she could believe. She just hoped it didn't get him killed too.
"Even if it means that we leave and go hide internationally, we can do that," he continued.
"Sirius offered me that too," she said, a little surprised that Severus would even consider abandoning the war. "He said he knew someone who could get us an international portkey if we needed it. I told him that I wouldn't go without you."
Severus nodded once. "Is that what you want? For us to leave?"
"No. Besides, wouldn't the Dark Lord just follow us?"
"We could hide very well, I assure you. The world is a big place and in the grand scheme of things, Britain is very small. If things reach a point where I am no longer around to protect you, go with your godfather and get to somewhere safe. I don't trust him with hardly anything, but I believe he will do anything to keep you safe," he instructed.
She really hoped it didn't come to that. She didn't think she could handle Severus dying. "The war, it's going to be like the last one, isn't it? A lot of people are going to die."
"We are trying to prevent things from getting to that point. The battle is in the Ministry right now and very well could be for some time to come. If we lose the Ministry entirely, we will have a difficult fight on our hands. Albus has Scrimgeour in place to take Fudge's position when he dies and Scrimgeour will certainly side against the Dark Lord. Once the Dark Lord's presence is revealed, we may be able to take back the Wizengamot and secure the Ministry," Severus explained.
It was a little frightening to be sitting and discussing the potential fall of their government. "If Fudge sides with the Dark Lord, someone in the Order will kill him?" she asked. She still wasn't sure how she felt about that.
"If Fudge openly declares his support for the more extreme Death Eater policies, he will not last long, whether by the Order's hands or other groups that operate within the Ministry. I can't imagine the Unspeakables tolerating a Death Eater in the Minister's position and most of the Aurors wouldn't be far behind. Likewise, if Fudge announces that he stands against the Dark Lord and directs the Aurors and the MLE to fight against Death Eaters, he will undoubtedly be assassinated in short order." Severus paused and looked at her. "I will not keep information from you if you want it, but I also don't want to inundate you with this information while you are still a student. Your focus should be on your studies and your friends. At this stage there is nothing you can do to assist with the war other than keeping yourself safe."
She did know that. Was it better to know these things? She wasn't sure yet. Somehow the idea of living through a war and all it entailed was scarier than thinking about the Dark Lord killing her. "I'm not sure what I want to know yet. Mostly just the general state of things, and if the Dark Lord or Death Eaters are getting closer to us, I think."
Severus nodded. "There will come a point where you will need to take a more active role in the war, but it is not for years yet. I wish it wasn't so at all, but I also believe that it is best for you to be prepared."
"I do want to be prepared," she agreed. She may do alright as a Defense student - as long as Professor Umbridge wasn't teaching the class - but she was no match for Death Eaters.
"Can I assume that you do not wish for your food to be warmed so you can eat it?"
"I don't want to eat this. I don't think I can eat anything right now," she said, looking at her plate and feeling her stomach turn.
"Alright. Would you like to try to do occlumency practice now and we can try something else for dinner afterward?" he suggested.
"Yes, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to eat at all tonight." She got up. She wanted to be away from the smell of the food.
"Let's try occlumency practice, then perhaps a Stomach Soothing potion, and possibly soup or bread." He followed her to their usual spots by the fire. "We're going to start with very simple changes, and then we will work on creation. Would you like to do something with the stained glass window?"
"Do what with it?"
"If you'd like to, you can change it into a pattern or a picture. We'll start with something a little more simple than that, such as changing the wood the pews are made of, but I expect in short order you'll be able to make whatever changes you like. After that, we'll work on creating something new," he explained.
"Okay," she said. She didn't know what she'd do with the stained glass window. She kind of liked it the way it was. "I'm ready."
"Let's begin."