Hope

Professor McGonagall's eyes were red rimmed when he entered the office. And she didn't bark at him… and he knew, right then, that he had failed his mum. He had not saved her. She was going to die and he had let it happen. He felt a sudden stab of anger at the person who had knocked his crossed fingers apart in the corridor - if they hadn't done that … But he knew, deep down, he was being ridiculous.

It had always been a lost cause. Hopeless. Like the world was about to be.

'Take a seat, Remus,' McGonagall said. He registered the use of his first name … and knew that was the final nail in the coffin.

'I'm afraid I've had another letter from your father,' she told him gently - far, far too gently. 'He says you must go home now - that your mother is unlikely to survive the night.'

Remus's head had been sunk on his chest, bowed in grief - but he looked up at that. 'But tonight is a full moon!'

Professor McGonagall's lips wobbled, and the tears shone in her eyes - glinting behind her spectacles. 'I know, Remus. I am so very sorry. But there is nothing that can be done. Your mother wishes to see you before … You will have to transform at home tonight.'

There came a knock on the door - and Madam Pomfrey bustled in - she too looked red about the eyes and wore a very gentle expression. 'Here we go,' she managed to keep her voice brisk and cheerful and businesslike, even as her face betrayed her. 'I've brought you the orange ointment for your cuts and scrapes,' she said, handing Remus a jar of the gunky paste she usually smeared on him. 'And this is Hippworth's Healing Tincture,' she gave him a green bottle. 'You only need a beakerful. And this,' she produced a flask, 'is the sleeping draught to give you dreamless sleep - your father will have to heat that up before you drink it. And here…' she took out a large bar of Honeydukes chocolate, 'for when you wake up.'

He put them all in his pockets.

'Is there anything else you need, Remus?' Professor McGonagall asked him anxiously. He shook his head - mute and barely aware of what was happening, as the fog of misery and dread swirled around in both his heart and mind.

'Very well - here you go then,' she held out a tin containing floo powder and he took a pinch. 'I really am very sorry, Remus,' she said. He nodded - cast the floo powder into the fire, watched as the flames turned green and then stepped into them - choking out his address. And then the flames wooshed higher - and he vanished from Hogwarts.

…

He fell out, spluttering onto the hearth of his own living room and - though he had known she would not be - it still cut into him that his mum was not there waiting to catch hold of him and hold him tight.

'Mum!' He was calling out before he had even got to his feet. 'Mum!'

'Shhh.' His father was there, helping him up, 'shh, Remus - she's sleeping for now.'

'Can I see her? Can I see her?'

Lyall nodded and Remus ran off up the stairs, taking them two at the time. He slowed as he reached her door - so his thundering footsteps wouldn't wake her. He came to a stop in the doorway. There she was - as white as the sheets that covered her, her hair faded and dull. The circles under her eyes were like dark smudges that hollowed out her cheeks and made her nose look beaky. Her breathing was only shallow - and her chest rattled.

'Mum?'

She didn't stir, and he kicked his shoes off, crossed the room - pulled back the covers and climbed into bed with her. And then he just lay there, snuggled up against her, holding her as tight as he could and praying fervently that she stay with him just a little bit longer.

His dad came in and checked on her - Remus didn't even move, didn't speak to him. He just held his mum and kept on praying.

She woke up after about an hour - and when she saw him lying beside her, her face broke out into a smile - and the old Hope shone through for just a moment, radiant and beautiful. 'Hello, baby.'

'Mum!'

She gave him a squeeze, 'thank you for coming to see me.'

'Of course I came!'

'I'm making such a terrible fuss … everyone is being so patient but … I'm making such a terrible fuss.'

'Nonsense! We all just want you to be well.'

'I'm with you - I've never been better.' She gave him another squeeze. 'Tell me about that wonderful school of yours,' she said to him, 'tell me all about the magic - and those wonderful friends of yours.'

'Oh - er - it's great, mum. They're great … We have so much fun. They really look after me.'

She smiled. 'You're very lucky,' she said to him. 'You know I've always been a little bit jealous of your magic? You're lucky to be so special ... my special, little boy.' She smiled fondly and stroked his hair. 'What have you been learning?'

'We… er - we learned how to make a potion to give you hideous boils. James drank some - his face was all crusty and he was covered in honking pustules.'

Hope pulled a face. 'Maybe I'm not that jealous of your magic after all.'

They both laughed … but then she began to cough.

'Mum - can I get you anything, some water?'

'It's on the nightstand.'

He sat up and reached for it, and then helped her prop herself up on her pillows and take a sip. 'Thank you,' she handed the glass back and settled back down. 'So - is it everything you hoped it would be? Hogwarts?'

'Yes - I'm having the best time there. Everyday is … well it's just like you'd expect every day at a magic school to be. It's an amazing adventure. We've found all the secret passages and we play pranks - just like the girls in those books of yours - only ours are magic so they're better. I've -' he swallowed. 'I've never been happier.'

'That's good - I want you to be happy. Even when I'm gone, Remus - I know you'll be sad at first but I want you to get on with your life and go on being happy, you hear?'

'You're not going anywhere, mum.'

'We both know I am, baby. But I'll never really leave you, you know? I love you too much to leave you behind. And I'll know if you're not happy … you don't want me to come back and haunt you, do you?'

They both laughed again. 'Life goes on,' Hope said. 'And I want you to promise me you'll be happy. Nothing else matters. When you find yourself cheerful again - when you can go hours at a time without even thinking of me - when the grief isn't so terrible, in your heart - you mustn't feel guilty. That's right. That's what's supposed to happen. You're not forgetting me - and I know it - you're just making me a part of yourself and moving forward. I want you to do that. I want you to be happy - no matter what - always look for the happiness in every moment and cling to it.'

'I will.'

'Promise?'

'I promise. Always.'

'Good - then I can be happy knowing you are happy.' She wrapped her arms around him and held him as tightly as she could - though she was weak. 'I do hate to leave you,' she told him. 'That's the thing I mind most of all. But you'll always have your dad. And you have those wonderful friends - and I know you will be taken care of.'

'I wish you could stay, mum.'

'I wish so too, baby - but I can't - and we have to accept what we cannot change and be brave about it.' She gave him a kiss, 'and you are already so good at being brave.'

They lay together for hours. Sometimes Hope slept - sometimes they talked, but they stayed wrapped up together the whole time … until the sun was far to the west - and Lyall appeared in the doorway.

'Remus,' his voice was soft. 'Remus - I'm afraid it's time to go. The moon -'

'What? No!' He clung to his sleeping mum more tightly. 'Please let me stay - please let me stay a little longer.'

'Remus - it's time.'

'No!' and he began to sob, great wracking sobs which blinded him with his tears, his chest heaving and his breath coming out as gasps. His nose began to run. 'Please - no - not yet, don't make me go. Not yet.'

Lyall crossed the room and gently tried to disengage the boy from his mother. But Remus clung all the harder. 'No, No! Please! Dad - please! I don't want to leave her.'

He must have woken Hope up with his cries, as suddenly her arms were tighter around him. 'Baby, be brave,' she murmured, holding him close for one last time. She kissed him. 'This isn't the end - I'll always be with you.'

'It's not enough - it's not enough - please - dad - let me have more time!'

'There is none, son - we have to make you safe.'

'No!'

'Remus,' his mum's voice was soft, she stroked his face tenderly and smiled at him - though he could barely see her through his tears. 'Now you have to be brave. We have already been so lucky in the time we have had - I wish we could have had more but we have had more in these years than some people get in a lifetime. And you must never forget that.' She suddenly held him even tighter - tighter than she should be able to when she was so weak - as if she was fighting her illness for this one last proper embrace.

'I am so proud of you,' she whispered to him, so only he could hear. 'You are everything I could have wanted - could ever have hoped for. You are good and kind and clever and I love you, more than anything. And you have to remember that.' Her voice was suddenly fierce. '- No matter what the wizards might say about you, how they might treat you. You are as good as anyone, you deserve to be loved and I love you and I always will. Promise me you'll not forget. It's all of them that are wrong. You are perfect. My perfect, brave, magic, little boy. Always show them that you're not what they think - make them choke on their words.'

'Mum - please - I don't want to go.'

She kissed him one last time. 'Go on now - there's a good boy. Do as your dad says.' And she let go of him - and Lyall gripped harder - and suddenly Remus felt himself prised away.

'No - mum - no … dad, please!' But he was half dragged, half carried out of the room and though he fought to get back to his mum the whole way, his dad was too strong. He was taken to the cellar, where Lyall patiently waited for him to take his clothes off. His hands trembled and his fingers fumbled as he stripped; he still could not see for crying; his head was starting to hurt.

Once he was naked, his dad chained him to the wall - and then left him alone in the dark. Remus wrapped his arms tightly around his bare chest - and sobbed, hating himself more viciously than he had ever hated anything before.

...

Far away at Hogwarts, James woke up when the early morning sun started to peep in at the window. He rolled over and - like he had done many months before - realised Remus's bed was empty. He sat up - with everything going on, with their not even talking to him anymore - James had forgotten that there was another full moon due. And that this was the one where they would agree they had enough evidence to confront him.

He threw his pillow at Sirius. 'Sirius!' he hissed, 'wake up!'

'Mmph - whassat?'

'Remus isn't here. Last night was a full moon - the third full moon at school since Christmas. And Remus is missing... again.'

'So?' Sirius rolled over. 'Who cares if he's a werewolf? He's a sneak and I don't want anything to do with him.'

'But you said we could ask him - I wanna know. Please Sirius, pleaaassse. Let's go down to the Hospital Wing and just see if he's there.'

'No.'

'Pleaaassse pleaaassse pleaaassse.'

'Oh alright.' He snorted in disgust and threw one leg over the mattress. 'We'll see if he's there - but I'm not talking to him.'

They got dressed quietly and snuck from the dorm before Peter woke up, and made their way towards the Hospital Wing. The castle was quiet and still, this early on a Saturday morning - and they were the only signs of life … That is, until they passed Professor McGonagall's office, and the door opened.

They froze. She froze. She stared down at them - and then her whole chest seemed to swell. 'What are you doing out of your common room?' she barked. 'Are you not both explicitly under house arrest? Have you not been warned that you are a hair's breadth from expulsion? What on earth has you creeping around the castle this early in the morning?'

'Please - Professor - we just … we saw Remus hadn't slept in his bed and we thought he might be in the Hospital Wing and we just wanted to … check on him.' James' voice shook as he made his excuses.

McGonagall stared at them a moment longer - and they braced themselves for the explosion … and then she seemed to … sniff. Her face crumpled and her mouth went a bit wobbly. 'I - er - I think you need to come inside, boys,' she told them. And her voice was suddenly soft. 'I have something I need to tell you.'

With a bewildered glance at each other, the boys followed her into her office and stood there awkwardly as she took a seat behind her desk.

'I'm afraid to have to tell you that I received a letter from Lupin's father yesterday,' she said to them. 'Telling me that Mrs. Lupin was not expected to survive the night. I don't know if Lupin ever spoke to you about his mother's illness - but it seems she has been seriously ill for a long time, and her condition has been steadily worsening ... I am afraid to say I received another owl this morning telling me she died a few hours ago.'

'No!' James breathed. Tears sprung into his eyes. He felt Sirius twitch beside him.

'Lupin returned home yesterday to be with his mother at the end. I am not sure when he will be back with us - though I am sure,' she suddenly looked at them very sternly, 'that you will treat him with every kindness and consideration when he does return.'

They mumbled their agreement, she dismissed them - and they fled back to the common room. By the time they got there, Sirius's face was pale. He sank into a chair and put his head in his hands. 'I'm a terrible person,' he moaned. 'Who cares about a bit of snitching when … His mum was dying! And I treated him like he wasn't even there - I made his life a misery. I deserve to be chopped up into pieces and fed to poisonous snakes - while I'm still alive.'

Despite the situation, James' lips twitched into a smile. 'I - er - don't think that's technically possible, mate. The chopping process would almost certainly kill you.'

'Well - it's what I deserve - and you!' He suddenly ripped his hands from his face and chucked a cushion at James' head. 'Banging on about Remus being a werewolf. And all this time he really was going home to visit his sick mother. Thank God we never asked him. Thank God we never told Peter. You absolute idiot !'

'Well how was I to know? It all fit!'

'He told us what he was doing - you were just too much of a smartarse to believe him. Come on...' He got to his feet. 'We better go tell Peter about poor Mrs. Lupin. We need to think of ways we can cheer Remus up when he gets back.'

…

Remus woke up face down on the cellar floor. It had been a bad night - and he was hurting all over from where his own claws had shredded at his flesh. His ribs hurt, his skin stung. Even his face was throbbing.

But he didn't care. 'Dad!' he screamed at the top of his lungs as soon as he was awake and aware. 'Dad!' he tugged frantically at the manacle around his ankle - trying to pull it from the wall, wanting to tear himself free and run straight to his mother's side; not even caring, for once, that he didn't have any clothes. 'Dad - please!'

The door opened, and Lyall came down the stairs. His face was pale and there were the trackmarks of tears down his face. Remus's heart froze in his chest. 'Dad?'

His dad didn't speak, he just waved his wand to vanish the chain and handed over a pair of pajamas. Remus was running for the door before he had even pulled them on properly.

'Remus, wait!'

But Remus wasn't listening. He broke free of the cellar and, pulling his shirt over his head, staggered up the stairs as fast as his legs could carry him. He blundered his way down to his mother's room … and then pulled up short in the doorway.

He couldn't see his mum. But there was a - there was a ... body in her bed. And the sheet was pulled over its head.

He hadn't realised he was holding his breath - but it must have been - because it suddenly exploded out of his chest in a wild sob of grief. He felt his legs give way - and the floor seemed to rise up to meet him, because suddenly he was collapsed on it - clinging to the door frame for support and blinded by tears.

And then he felt his dad's arms around him. 'Come on - come on, Remus. There's nothing you can do for her now. Let's get you patched up.'

'Wh- when?' he choked out.

'A few hours ago.'

'Were you with her?'

His dad didn't answer right away.

'Were you with her? At the end, were you with her?'

Lyall cleared his throat, and when he spoke his voice was husky. 'No - I'm afraid she - she left us when I went to go and check on you.'

'No! No!'

'I was with her before that. She wasn't conscious for a good long while before. She didn't suffer.'

'She was alone - she was all alone - and that was my fault!'

'No! Listen to me, Remus,' and his voice was suddenly stern. 'None of this is your fault. Not any of it. There is nothing you could have done differently. Your mum wanted you here - she wanted to see you one last time. She knew that would mean I couldn't spend the whole night with her and that was the choice she made anyway. Because she loved you more than anything - and she would have wanted me looking after you, if you needed me. She's at peace now. She isn't in any pain anymore. Don't make yourself miserable over things that cannot be helped. Now - come on - let's get you healed properly.'

And when Remus couldn't move, when his legs couldn't make him stand up, Lyall picked him up and carried him to his own bedroom. 'The muggle funeral people will be here soon,' Lyall said. 'And I need to go to the telephone box down the road and ring your Grandma Howell - let her know. I'll do that when you're asleep.'

He took out the orange ointment ready to smear it on Remus - and then stopped and looked at him sadly. 'What did you do to your face?'

Remus had no idea what he was talking about.

...

'Well?' Severus had met up with Lily under the beech tree that afternoon. He arched an eyebrow at her.

'Well what?'

'Is Lupin around? Or has he "mysteriously vanished" again.'

'Oh, give it a break, Sev.'

'He's gone hasn't he?' He sounded triumphant.

'I haven't seen him,' she admitted through gritted teeth.

'Go and find out where he is.'

'Oh, honestly,' she shook her head and stalked off back up to the castle, grumbling beneath her breath.

…

'Er - have you seen Remus, Potter?' she asked awkwardly once she got back to the common room.

'What's it to you?'

'I - er - I wanted to ask him something … about our Defence essay … you know he's the best in the class. Do you know where he is?'

'Yes.'

'Er - OK - where?'

'Get out of here, Evans!' Sirius snarled, hurling a cushion at her.

'What's wrong with him?' She asked James indignantly.

James just looked gloomy. 'Mrs. Lupin died last night,' he said quietly. 'Remus has gone home.'

Lily flushed bright red - and then tears sprung into her eyes and she brought her hand up to cover her mouth. 'Oh - oh how awful. I'm so sorry.' And she scurried away.

…

Severus was surprised at how quickly Lily returned - and that she seemed to have tears in her eyes … and he couldn't tell if they were tears of grief or anger.

'You idiot!' She cuffed him around the ear. Her face was bright red. 'He's at home. His mum has died and he has gone home. I told you he was visiting his sick mother. I'm never spying for you again, Severus, do you hear?' And she marched away - crying.

'Lily!' He called after her. 'Lily!' But she didn't look back - and he punched the beech tree in annoyance. Was that really all it was? That family was so weird because his muggle mother was sickly? He had been so sure … and now Lily was mad at him. 'Bloody Lupin,' he cursed under his breath.

…

A few days had passed. Remus was feeling healthier and more rested but … he wasn't really aware of it. He just sat on the sofa - and missed his mum. There was always a flurry of activity in the house, as the funeral was arranged around him. But he just sat there - staring. He wore the jumper she had knitted him for Christmas - and he kept his arms wrapped tightly around himself, as if hugging her jumper was somehow the same as hugging her.

He had deep scratch marks on his face - and they would leave scars … the damage from the wolf always left scars. And though he always tried so hard to hide the ravages on his body ... he couldn't hide his face.

But that night had been so bad. The wolf had known something was wrong - and it had torn at itself trying to get free. It had scratched his chest to ribbons, it had bitten him and bruised him … and it had clawed at its own face. His face. It usually didn't mark his face … but that night had been so bad. His worst ever.

He had no control.

And now he was scarred - where everyone could see. Where he couldn't hide it. And he knew he should care about that. But he didn't. His mum was gone. And nothing else would ever matter ever again.

'What's the point of magic?' he asked his dad, once they were alone for the evening, the undertaker and the Howells having left. 'What's the point of having this power, if it can't even save people? What good is it?'

Lyall took his time before he answered - and he sounded like he was choosing his words carefully. 'I don't think there is a point to magic, exactly. We just have it - and so we learn to use and control it. But it is not and never will be a solution to all our problems. And it cannot cheat death. We have power - we're lucky to have it - but nothing is more powerful than death … Except love.'

…

The day of the funeral came. Lyall had spent money they did not have to buy him and Remus respectable-looking black muggle suits. 'We need to do your mum proud,' he told Remus. 'Here - these are tricky,' and he helped him tie his tie.

Remus just blinked and stared. Not much was getting through the impenetrable fog of his grief.

The funeral itself was held in the little chapel that was closest to their house. Remus had never been in there before - it was cold and draughty and poor looking. And it was half empty. Just Remus and his dad, the Howell family and a few people from the Cardiff insurance company from years ago… And it struck Remus just how small Hope's life had become. How much her whole world had shrunk after he had been bit. They had kept on the move, never settled down, stayed away from people, kept Remus hidden and protected - and she had lost touch with her friends and never found time to make new.

She had sacrificed everything for him - her whole life - and in return he had slowly killed her.

And now he looked around this church - and realised only a handful of people cared she was dead. No one else even knew she was missing. His whole world had come crashing to a halt … and only twenty people even knew it had happened, mourned alongside him.

His mum deserved more than that. His mum deserved for more people to know she was gone - what was lost. His grief was so huge that it felt like the whole world should stop - should mark the loss. Life without Hope. But all she got was twenty people and a draughty little chapel.

After the funeral, the undertakers took the coffin to the crematorium - and Remus followed his dad to the village hall - where Grandma Howell had organised a spread of sandwiches and cups of tea for everyone. He stood silently beside Lyall, trying not to cry, trying to be brave like his mum had told him … But he could feel his muggle cousins staring at him - as if they were suddenly afraid of him. He wondered if it was the fear of his loss - that such bad luck as to lose a mum might be contagious - that kept them quiet and distant, or if it was the sight of his scarred face they found unnerving.

At the end, he shook all the hands of the adults, thanked them for their condolences, and for coming, and for their kind words about his mum … but it was like he wasn't really there. His body was going through the motions and his spirit was elsewhere - ripped free from the anchor of himself and floating in a sea of grief - far above the world and looking down on it all.

He went home - and lay on his bed in the dark - and stared unblinkingly up at the ceiling.

A few days later, they got a letter from the crem. His mum's ashes were ready to be collected. Lyall went for them and then they took his dad's battered broom and flew down to the Rhondda Valley - where Grandma Howell was waiting. 'We can sell the car now,' his dad said - as they flew. 'I can't drive it - and we don't really need it any more. Could use the money to buy you your own broom for next year.'

Remus only grunted. He wasn't ready to think about them getting rid of his mum's things yet … not even to buy him a broomstick.

Lyall had to confund Remus's grandparents when they asked too many questions about how they had got to the valley. And then Grandpa Howell had driven them all to some parkland in Pontypridd. They had found a secluded spot, where Grandma Howell said Hope had used to come for picnics with her brothers and sisters when she was a girl - and they scattered her ashes.

And just like that - the last of Hope was gone.

Remus returned home … and wondered what on earth he was supposed to do without his mum.