Nearly 5,000 words in this chapter, i hope you guys appreciate it, and show that appreciation with a review.
Chapter 19
Arizona walked away from her daughter again desperate to make it to the car before she broke down. Sofia wasn't leaving her, Callie did have a heart, but why the change? What had happened today, was it the baby? Was Torres going to try to take her unborn baby too? Could she even do that? Arizona gripped her stomach tightly. Vowing once again to protect this child from everything even Torres if she had to.
Getting herself together she drove to the rape support group, she needed understanding and support from people who had been there, who knew how she felt, sitting down in the circle she was join by a few familiar faces.
Arizona listened to the first volunteer to speak, going into a daze, as the circle asked for the next person to speak, she found herself putting a hand up,
"My rapist is dead, I found out yesterday, he killed himself, and I have no idea how to feel about that. I'm happy he can't hurt me, he can never hurt me or my baby again, but I wanted revenge, justice, I wanted more, I wanted to see him rot in jail, I wanted to talk to him, to know, why me?" Arizona paused; she knew these women would understand where others could only sympathise. "And now I will never get those answers. I'll never know what he did when I was drugged, how many times I was raped. At the same time my child is safe, he won't be able to claim custody or fight me for visitation, he won't be able to hurt me again" She rubbed her stomach, her unborn baby was inside. "I'd never slept with a man before him, I never wanted to, he took that from me, he gave me a baby, he gave me his baby and I don't understand. The baby I wanted more than anything, the baby that could have saved my marriage died, but this baby, the one I never wanted, I never even thought about, the one I took pills to prevent living, despite that this baby is strong, it has a heartbeat, it looks perfect, and I'd protect it with my life," she sat down, her legs giving out. The woman next door squeezed her hand supportively, as predicted, they understood, some of them had been in a similar position. This wasn't therapy with Natasha, there was no looking for answers, this was just acceptance, and understanding.
The group finished, outside Amelia and Richard were waiting,
"Trivia?" Richard asked, they'd seen her car when they'd walked in and decided to wait. Arizona nodded, any diversion sounded good right now, much better than being alone with her thoughts.
After trivia Arizona returned home alone to an empty house, she felt exhausted so didn't bother with dinner instead heading straight to the shower still trying to feel clean, whilst knowing she never would be, not truly. Shower finished her skin rubbed raw Arizona went to bed, exhausted by the day's events but exhausted knowing she was going to get a poor night's sleep and that like every night she was going to wake up screaming.
True to her prediction she woke up screaming, Graham was on top of her, sobbing she sat up to find herself alone. Wiping the tears, she popped her leg on heading to the kitchen to get some water trying to ease the burning pain in her throat from screaming. She checked the clock, it was 4am. Bailey had banned her from the hospital until at least 8am unless she was paged for an emergency. Pacing slightly Arizona ate her toast, feeling too nauseous to eat anything else. Bailey was also watching her weight closely and her blood sugars and had threatened her with time off if either dropped any lower. Her eyes fell on her laptop, Bailey had only banned her from work in the hospital she could do consults and update charts from here. Anything to distract her from her thoughts, the dreams and the meeting tonight.
As 0730 came Arizona decided to get dressed, she had an appointment with Natasha every morning this week. It was either that or admission after her mini breakdown. Not that Arizona minded, the incident had scared her, she could feel herself falling into an abyss and was doing everything she could to stop herself hitting the bottom.
"Arizona how are you this morning?" Natasha greeted the moment she entered the waiting room, she'd been updating charts and as Arizona was the first client of the day she'd decided to wait.
Arizona found tears running down her face as she tried to think of the response, sensing a break down Natasha guided her into her office.
"Sofia isn't leaving, Callie decided to stay." Arizona revealed, "I don't know why? Callie found me yesterday, she knows about the baby, and now she is staying, Sofia is staying, Callie wants to meet tonight, she wants to discuss it, but what is there to discuss, unless she wants this baby too." Arizona ranted nervously rubbing her belly protectively, her thoughts were all jumbled, the emotions too strong to think rationally.
"Arizona, I need you to take a few breaths," Natasha instructed. Her patient's life was worse than a soap opera at the moment. "Let's talk about one thing at a time. Sofia is staying in Seattle; how does that make you feel?"
After 90 minutes with Natasha Arizona finally made it to Grey Sloan. Jo was waiting, she'd rounded on her patients and had prioritised the OR list. Arizona made a note to discuss with Bailey a fetal fellowship, Jo would be perfect and eventually it would lessen her workload. Being the only fetal surgeon in Seattle and one of 9 in the West of America made for a heavy non-stop workload and with her pending maternity leave someone was going to have to cover at least the basic surgeries.
Trying to do what Natasha recommended Arizona put all thought of Callie and their meeting out of her mind instead concentrating on Mandy and the bands the were stopping her baby's growth.
At exactly 6pm Arizona rushed into the restaurant, her last surgery had gone over, and she was late, well exactly on time, which in her book was super late. She blamed her father for that, his sense of military timing had rubbed off on her, so much so if she wasn't 15 minutes early, she considered herself late and got all in a panic.
Unusually Callie was early already waiting, her brown eyes staring blankly at the menu.
"Hey, sorry I'm late" Arizona said sitting opposite. Callie noticed she was alone and smiled warmly feeling pleased that Arizona felt safe enough with her to come alone.
"It's okay" Callie replied, she went to say something, but the waitress interrupted
"What can I get you girls?" she asked,
"Coffee and the cheeseburger please" Callie ordered
"Strawberry milkshake and the waffle and fries please" Arizona decided briefly glancing at the menu. She didn't really care what they brought her to eat, but the waffle should be plain enough for her to handle, what she cared about was what Callie was going to say. The waitress left to process their order.
"Okay, I need you to listen to me, tonight," Callie pleaded, Arizona considered her words, she had no intention of speaking, she didn't want to she was only hear for her daughter. At Arizona's slight nod she continued.
"First, I'd like to continue our custody arrangement now. Half the week each but swap as we need to. Whatever happens between us Sofia deserves both of her mom's" Callie said, she wanted to get that cleared up straight away. She didn't want Arizona worrying about it, Arizona's parenting had never been in question. Sure she worked long hours, as did Callie, but she was an amazing mother.
"Thank you" Arizona said graciously, slightly shocked she hadn't been expecting that. She wasn't sure what to expect from this meeting but had been thinking the worst. After the last few weeks, she had learnt to expect bad news.
"You don't need to thank me, we are both Sofia's mom's I'm just sorry I lost sight of that." Callie said, "Now I need to clear up some misunderstandings" she began, "I need you to listen." She begged again, Arizona nodded, she'd listen, Natasha had said the same thing. That she had to listen and really hear what Callie was saying.
"The private investigator, it wasn't me" Callie said, Arizona went to interrupt, Callie put a hand up, silencing her "the Mrs Torres they were talking about was my mother. As you know I hadn't spoken to her in years, not since the wedding, but she indirectly recommended the lawyer via my father. While she doesn't agree with my relationship, being gay or being with you. She didn't want her daughter's lesbian lover gaining sole custody of her grandchild." Callie explained, "She hired the PI to investigate you, I had no idea, I promise I didn't know, I wouldn't, I wanted custody but not like this" Callie pleaded with Arizona to understand, pleaded with her to believe her. Despite her misgivings Arizona nodded, Callie was a lot of things but not a liar. She had never lied.
"Ok" Arizona said. It would take some time to process, Lucia had spied on her not Callie, how did that change things? She still felt betrayed, invaded.
"I get carried away; I jump into things with 2 feet. I always had, we were complicated, I met Penny and it was easy, there was no baggage, no stress, it was simple. When she asked me to move to New York I jumped, it was a way of running from my problems, of getting away from everything…."
"Callie, you don't have to" Arizona started, she didn't want to hear about how perfect Penny was.
"No, I have you, you deserve to know," Callie insisted. "It was easy, because there was no spark, no real feelings. We argued but even then, there was no passion. There was less pain because I didn't feel anything compared to how I feel when I'm with you" Callie explained
"I suffocated you," Arizona replied, still heartbroken over that comment, it haunted her.
"We went through a plane crash, Mark dying, Nick dying, amputation, a lawsuit and then the miscarriage and the affair, and we didn't have counselling, we didn't have each other, we both broke. I felt suffocated but it wasn't you, even listing the events we went through, makes me realise how much we had, anyone of those is enough to break even the strongest of couples and it broke us." Callie continued, "And I know I wasn't perfect, I made so many mistakes, and if I could turn back the clocks I would, but I can't. And I know you have no reason to trust me, no reason to take me back or even want to try to start again, but I'm here, and Sofia is here, and we aren't moving anywhere so we have time" Callie promised, she could tell her words were having an effect even if Arizona was trying to keep a straight face.
"New York, when Penny mentioned it, I jumped at it, the chance to be away from this place, from car crashes, plane crashes, to a new hospital where I didn't expect to see Mark, George or Lexie around every corner. I saw it as a chance to get away from the memories." Callie tried to explain, "I got so caught up in getting away from the bad memories I forgot the good memories we have had here"
The waitress brought their order over.
"You remember when I was pregnant with Sof, I craved burgers so much" Callie reminisced, Arizona gave a small smile. "I sent you out at 4am to get food and you'd go, without complaint, and when you came home and I was already asleep you wouldn't get angry or mad, I don't think I ever said thank you for that, not properly."
"You did" Arizona said, thinking back to then. Waking up exhausted with Callie poking her, getting dressed and searching the city for open food places, only to return to find Callie fast asleep, she'd undress curling up in bed. Only to wake a few hours later to go back to work.
"Who does that for you?" Callie questioned. "Who wakes up in the middle of the night for you?" Who sorts out your cravings?" She continued concerned noticing Arizona's watery eyes,
"I have nobody," Arizona replied sadly stabbing the fries but not eating, Callie noticed she'd only eaten half a fry while they'd been talking.
"What about the girlfriend I heard rumours about?" Callie said, half joking and half seriously. She regrated it as she saw a dark shadow cross over her face.
"Natasha isn't my girlfriend, she is my counsellor, Bailey got her for me, after." Arizona paused she wasn't ready to talk about that, even with Callie.
"You have me," Callie promised, she saw a flicker of something in Arizona's blue eyes before it died.
"Okay" Arizona replied, unconvinced, these last 3 months had proven she was on her own. She might have friends in Miranda, Richard and Amelia, and colleagues in Alex, April and Jackson, but ultimately, she was alone. It was better she thought that way, then her heart didn't get broken.
"Seriously," Callie said, "Promise me if you need me you will call," she begged. Arizona didn't answer, how could she just call Callie every time she felt like she needed to talk, after everything. "I've been going to a counsellor too" Callie revealed not getting an answer from Arizona, not that she really expected one. At Arizona's surprised look she continued. "It's only been once, but it helped. I hope Natasha is helping you through this" Callie offered.
"She is," Arizona confirmed,
"You need to eat more" Callie pushed, Arizona had only eaten 2 fries. "Seriously, I'm worried about you," she said, Arizona smiled slightly, it felt nice for someone to worry about her like this. She took a bite of a chip, trying to ease Callie's worries.
"I just don't get hungry when I'm stressed" Arizona said shrugging, and she'd felt stressed a lot recently.
"I know, but I'm making it my personal mission to get you to eat." Callie vowed. "I know we aren't in a good place, but I'd like to be friends if we can." She begged, Callie knew she wasn't ready for another relationship and guessed Arizona wasn't either.
Arizona nodded, friends with Callie sounded good. It was all she could really manage emotionally right now. Callie gave a huge smile, this was good progress, better than she had expected.
"So did you see Sofia's maths today, she got an 89" Callie told her proudly,
"She did!" Arizona's enthusiasm was equal to Callie's, "She is so smart"
"I know she must get that from me" Callie bragged. She loved that Arizona was the one person who got how amazing their daughter was. "She was so excited to go and hang out with Zola tonight, I think we've been surpassed as her favourite person." Callie said a little sadly, just trying to keep the conversation going, and Sofia was a safe subject.
"She loves Zola, she wanted to tell her she wasn't moving, I think she mentioned planning summer camp with her." Arizona replied, she'd popped into day care today wanting to spend as much time with her daughter as possible.
"Summer camp, she is 7" Callie moaned, "Which ones did she mention?"
"I think it was a toss up between a science focused one and a dance focused one." Arizona said, "I have leaflets at home, but didn't" she paused, not wanting to say that she didn't think she'd need them with her daughter taken away. She'd passed some to Meredith knowing that Meredith would have the same problems as they did. The hospital just simply didn't give enough leave to cover the whole school holidays. It was the conversation overheard by little ears that had sparked this discussion between the children who were under the impression it was their decision.
"Hmm academics or dance?" Callie said grinning, she wouldn't be surprised when Sofia came pleading with her to go to dance camp. "Have you got the brochure? I'd like to be prepared, in fact we should meet up go through the brochures together" Callie offered, at Arizona's hesitation she continued offering a safe third party. "We could invite Meredith too, after all what would Sofia do at camp without her partner in crime?" Callie joked she was rewarded with a genuine smile from her ex-wife.
They kept up the Sofia talking until they'd both finished, Arizona managing half the waffle and nearly all her fries. Her stomach ached with the amount of food she had eaten. The waitress took their plates placing the bill on the table. Callie took it, paying it with a generous tip. She helped Arizona put her jacket on.
"What's your day like tomorrow?" Callie asked, "Do you want to take Sofia for the night?" She asked, Arizona nodded desperately, she'd take any time possible with Sofia. "And maybe I could make you both dinner, we can look at summer camps?" Callie offered. Again, Arizona nodded. More time with Sofia and home-made cooking from Callie was a win. She rubbed her stomach where her baby would be despite being 12 weeks it was pretty flat.
"When you tell Sofia, can I be there?" Callie begged, she knew Sofia would have a lot of questions, and wasn't sure Arizona was ready to deal with them alone. Arizona nodded slightly surprised; Callie was offering. She'd been nervous about telling Sofia, especially with her moving away. Didn't want her to think she was replacing her or ask difficult questions she couldn't answer. Having Callie there would be a good buffer, she could help explain it, answer difficult questions, and take over if she needed it.
"Maybe tomorrow?" Arizona suggested, it was the day Callie had suggested they discuss summer camp,
"Sure," Callie agreed easily, the sooner Sofia knew the better. After all Arizona's stomach was going to pop soon and Sofia would have questions. Callie held her hands out for a hug, Arizona awkwardly accepting the embrace, it lasted only a few seconds before Arizona pulled away, feeling to dirty to let Callie touch her for too long both women were left wanting more.
Arizona drove home, feeling nervous, she knew she needed to talk to Natasha, to organise her thoughts. She loved Callie, she always had and probably always would but knew she was in no place to start a relationship.
Getting home she showered still desperately trying to get herself clean knowing she never would be before heading to bed.
Arizona woke the next morning early, again screaming, she sat bolt upright heading to the bathroom and having another shower.
After getting dressed she snuck into the hospital, she could do some rounding before Bailey started. Bailey couldn't tell her to stop working if she couldn't find her.
At 8am, Arizona made her way to Natasha's office. As normal she was her first client,
"So how are you feeling?" Natasha asked,
"Lost again, I met with Callie last night,"
"And how was it?" Natasha pushed
"Actually nice, normal, almost," Arizona replied, "It wasn't her who hired the PI, it was her mother, Mrs Torres, while she hasn't spoken to Callie in years, she didn't want her daughter's, lesbian disabled slut, of an ex-wife having contact with her granddaughter." Arizona gave a chuckle,
"How does that make you feel? Does it change anything knowing it wasn't Callie?" Natasha questioned, Arizona paused, letting the silence stretch on, did it change anything?
"It changes everything and nothing" Arizona replied, "It changes everything with Callie, she didn't know, she did try to move to New York, but she didn't know about what had gone on, she didn't know anything, but everything still happened. Someone still kidnapped me, they still raped me, they hurt me, they impregnated me," she began crying. "And I love Callie, I love her a lot, but I can't be with her," she was sobbing now, "I can't be with anyone ever again" She was rubbing her arms now, getting more and more wound up.
"Okay, lets focus on our breathing" Natasha encouraged, "recognise the panic and stop it, that's it, deep breaths" she watched as Arizona calmed her breathing down, "There was a lot there, so we need to take it one step at a time." She said trying to reassure her client. "So, Mrs Torres, there is a story there," Natasha tried needing to start with something simple.
"Callie had always been straight, until Erica, she was married to a boy, and she never told her parents about Erica. Lucia blamed me, for turning her daughter gay. She would barely hold Sofia and when she came to our wedding, she didn't even make it to the ceremony. Even when Callie was in ICU she didn't come." Arizona explained. "But she'd never let Sofia live with me, never, not if Callie was still alive. Lesbian, disabled, mentally ill, slut, never" Arizona gave a half laugh,
"Why do you describe yourself like that?" Natasha asked,
"Because its true"
"So is double board certified, youngest ever Carter Maddison Grant winner, whose work on short bowel syndrome has saved hundreds of lives. Mother of a brilliant little girl, survivor of a mass shooting, a car crash, a plane crash, and a kidnap, who engineered her own escape against the odds. Why don't you describe yourself that way?" Natasha questioned,
"Because I don't feel like that person, not anymore. That was a different Arizona, before" Arizona explained, it was hard to believe she had done those things, that was a different person. She couldn't be that person again.
"So, what changed, when did you stop feeling like that person?" Natasha pressed,
"The plane crash" Arizona knew instantly when she felt different. When everything changed, when she had stopped waking up happy, "I lost Mark, and Nick and my leg"
"So did Mark make you a good doctor or a good mom?" Natasha probed.
"No, I mean he was a good doctor, and a great dad in a lot of ways, in other ways he was hopeless, he was a yes dad. If Sofia woke in the middle of the night, he'd wake me up, I was the only one who could settle her" Arizona recalled.
"Nick then, I mean you said it was practically a brother"
"He was, when Tim died, he was there, he dragged me out of my depression, he helped me, got me back into my residency, then he left, he didn't even come back to me when he got cancer."
"How did that make you feel?"
"Angry, furious, he knew I was a doctor, he knew I was married to an Ortho surgeon, and not just any Ortho Surgeon one of the best in the country, and he waited, he waited years, his tumour was one of the most treatable, and he chose to wait." Arizona cried, she had never really grieved after Nick died, having never really had the time or space to process his death.
"And does his death make you less of a doctor, or less of a mother?" Natasha pressed making a note to return to Nick, but right now she had another point to get across.
"No" Arizona was almost defensive
"Then it was losing your leg" Natasha deduced, "How many fellowships have you completed since the amputation"
"One"
"And how quickly"
"4 months"
"Is that a normal time to complete a new fellowship"
"No,"
"So, it was slower because you only have one leg you got extra time?" Natasha suggested, she knew 4 months was an impressive time for a fellowship, most took at least a year.
"No, it was quicker than a normal fellowship" Arizona replied,
"Okay, so you're not as good as those that took a year, your outcomes are worse?" Natasha pressed, she had done the research and knew Arizona was in the top 3 Neonatal surgeons across the country and top ten worldwide.
"No, in fact I think I'm the top surgeon this side of the Mississippi" Arizona defended, trying to remember her stats, if not first then she was definitely in the top 3.
"So, Sofia suffered, you never made time for her" Natasha guessed,
"I see Sofia as much as I can, I speak to her every night, and see her 3-4 times a week, at least as much as Callie lets me. And when Callie has her, I visit her in day-care, I help her with her homework" Arizona said fully in her defensive mode now at the accusation she neglected Sofia
"But you can't keep up with her, I bet you don't take her out the house much"
"What? Who told you that? We are always out we go to the park or out for a walk, I might not be as fast as I used to be but I'm starting to run again, and I'm teaching Sofia how to skate." Arizona was in full on rant mode now, horrified Natasha thought she was a bad mom.
"Then I can't see how your amputation made you a worse doctor or a horrible mother" Natasha said, finally, getting to her point. Arizona ready to go onto full meltdown paused, "I don't see how you aren't that person anymore, I can't see that your less of a doctor or mother since the plane crash"
Arizona paused Natasha's comments taking her off guard.
"I used to wake up happy, every day I'd wake up and just feel excited and happy to go out into the world. Now every day I wake up screaming, crying, sad, every day I wake up and it takes so much energy to climb out of bed, that I feel constantly exhausted, and even when I know I should be happy, I miss the old me, the happy me, I hate her for being so happy," Arizona began sobbing.
"We can work on your depression, we can work through this, we can get you back to happy again" Natasha promised, "Just keep working with me, working the process"
Arizona took a moment, that's what she wanted to feel happy, not that she believed she'd ever get there but she could try.
"I'd like to see you again tomorrow, same time, but I have some homework, I want you to write a positive description of yourself, at last 50 words," Natasha ordered. Arizona nodded, she could do that, or at least try. She wanted to get better, she hated waking up screaming, sad and traumatised.
She left feeling draining, before her day had even began, nevertheless stubbornness prevailed, as she began work only stopping when Amelia brought lunch, and at 3pm when Sofia got dropped off at day care. She was going to Callie's tonight and Arizona planned to go to her support group.
Finishing work, she sat at home notebook open, trying to describe herself positively. Trying to list the good things about herself.
Mother- she was a good mother, she loved Sofia, tried to protect her from all the evil of the world. She might not be perfect, but she knew, she was a decent mother.
Skilled Surgeon, today's conversation proved that she was top of her field, she'd been top in the Paediatric field. There weren't many surgeons who topped both Fetal and Paediatric surgery.
Now the list got harder. She looked at the top 3 words, maybe she could add adjectives,
Loving, caring mother. Dedicated, skilled Paediatric and Fetal surgeon. That was 9 words if you included and, and Arizona definitely was. What else had she done that was good, Alex, she had mentored him into the surgeon he was, she was a good mentor, who gave up her own opportunities to let her students grow, she wrote that in. Well most the time, the one time she had taken his development away the plane had crashed and she'd lost her leg. She was a lesbian and proud of that fact, no longer gold star but still proud to be out and a good role model for other lesbian and gay youths, even doing a talk at the local senior school every year. She wrote that down.
I am a loving, caring mother. A dedicated, skilled Paediatric and Fetal surgeon. I am good mentor to Alex and other residents and interns, I give up my own opportunities to let students grow. I am a proud lesbian, I mentor LBGT youths, I help people by being an out-role model.
There, that was 50 positive words. Arizona felt pride, she had found 50 positive words to describe herself.
She left to go to support group, this time the rape one, she needed the support of people who understood, who had been there.
She sat down in the group only half listening to the speaker, when she sat down Arizona felt herself standing up walking to the front almost in a trance. She was ready, she could do this. She'd spoken before but only parts of her story, tonight was different now she was and was going to tell the full story.
A much longer Callie/ Arizona talk, hoping you liked it, but the talking and healing continues, will it be smooth sailing, do you want it to be?
Let me know