Chapter 20
"My name is Arizona, I've been coming for months now, but haven't been able to share my story, not in full, I'm not sure I can now, but I want to try, I need to try." Arizona took a breath trying to steady the shaking in her hands.
"His name was Graham Maddox, we worked together, I fired him, or at least helped get him fired. He drugged me, he wanted revenge, he wanted me to help him, to get his job back" Arizona's voice wobbled; she gripped the table trying to regain her strength.
"He made me do things I didn't want to, but if I didn't things got worse, a lot worse, there was no choice, no options. If didn't do what he wanted, he hurt me more, or he'd hurt someone else. I tried to escape, I tried so hard to escape, I fought him off, but he found me, he drugged me again, and he raped me, or I think he did, I don't know, I have flashes of what he did to me, in my dreams, he is always there." Arizona rubbed her arms, trying to get him off her. "I wish I knew but at the same time I'm glad I don't know"
"Today my therapist asked me to describe myself, and it was hard, the words that came to mind were the words he told me, disgusting, dirty, slut, broken, that's how I feel, but he is dead, and I'm here, I'm survived the worst thing I could imagine and the worst thing I couldn't imagine. I'm here still fighting, and he isn't he is nothing" Arizona let out a laugh at the irony. If Mark could see her now.
"She asked me for 50 positive words about myself and I couldn't think of one, not one single word, that wasn't negative, then I realised I am a survivor, I am a good mother, I am a damn good surgeon, I am still here, I am a fighter, I don't give up, I grew up in a military family, I was taught never to give up, never surrender, and that's what I have done. I didn't give up when my wife and daughter nearly died, I didn't give up when I was told I was nothing, I didn't quit after I lost my leg, when my brother died, or when Nick or Mark died, I didn't quit when I had my miscarriage, when I lost custody of my daughter, and I will not quit now I was raped, kidnapped, I don't quit, I can't quit." Arizona sat down on the nearest chair, her legs giving up going wobbly. Now she had said her piece she let the tears fall, she felt arms wrap around her it was Megan the woman she met when she first arrived at the support group.
"Well done, that was very brave" she praised, Arizona nodded instead focusing on her breathing, trying to calm herself down. "Can I hug you?" Megan asked, Arizona nodded, holding onto her new friend for dear life, needing that contact, needing to feel something, other than pain.
The others that had been attending sat silently, allowing Megan to take the lead this wasn't the first time someone had broken down in group, and it likely wouldn't be the last.
"You did well, you did really well" Megan praised, rocking slightly before she felt Arizona pulled away.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break down."
"No don't apologise, its fine, we all have broken down at some point, we understand, we really do," Megan reassured. "We have all been there and will likely be there again. What you did today was strong, you should be proud." Megan praised, Arizona nodded, thankful they weren't judging her as she wiped her face, trying to get rid of any tears.
Megan released her grip, several other women approached hugging her, offering her their support. This was a community, everyone here understood what she had been through, how dirty and used she felt, they had all been there in that same space.
She left to find Amelia outside.
"Hey, trivia?" Amelia asked, she could see Arizona's red rimmed eyes and the concerned glances the others at the meeting were shooting her. Arizona nodded some mindless trivia was just what she needed.
The next day dragged as she anxiously waited to see Sofia. She started as normal with her appointment with Natasha, discussing her description of herself and strategies for tonight discussing the baby with Sofia. Armed with a list of suggestions Arizona ploughed through her work unsurprised when Bailey found her at lunch time bringing her a sandwich and fruit and watching her eat it like a hawk. The moment that school was out Arizona was there, at the gates waiting excitedly.
"Mommy" her little hurricane ran out and jumped into her arms,
"Sofia, how are you? How was school?" Arizona asked,
"It was great, everyone is so happy that I'm not leaving, and I got a part in the school play. I'm going to be a tree," Sofia bounced excitedly on the chair on the car.
"A tree baby, how cool is that" Arizona bit her lip to stop the laughter. "I guess we need to make a costume"
"It has to have lots of leaves" Sofia instructed
"Okay, we can start making it this weekend Mamma is coming over today, she is going to cook"
"Yay" Sofia cheered, she loved spending time with mommy and mamma was an extra bonus. "I can't wait to tell her my news," she said bouncing on her seat. Arizona smiled; Callie was the only person apart from her that would be super excited that she was going to be a tree in a play.
They arrived home, Sofia running to her bedroom to play with her toys, Arizona following, after all it was time to do her homework not play with toys. They were just finishing Sofia's maths homework when the doorbell sounded.
"Mamma" Sofia cheered getting up from the dining room table running to the door.
"What for me Sof, I need to answer the door in case it's not mamma" Arizona ordered.
"But you said Mamma is coming and now someone is here" Sofia said impatiently
"I know but it might not be mamma it might be someone else" Arizona explained, Sofia sighed,
"Okay but hurry up Mommy" she said at the door, Arizona walked over limping slightly as she normally did at the end of the day.
She opened the door,
"Mamma" Sofia cried joyfully. "See mommy I knew it was mamma" she said dancing around,
"Hey Arizona" Callie greeted, "I hope you are hungry; I'm going to make my famous chicken Picatta" Arizona nodded smiling, she had been craving it. Callie made her way to the kitchen, this was the first time she had actually been inside Arizona house and it was just her. Neutral pinks, tastefully decorated, it was all one level, and what wasn't Arizona was her daughter. If felt like home.
In the kitchen she began to work, Sofia helping her, Arizona sat watching as Sofia told Callie all about her day and her big part in the school play. She too was feeling strange, feeling like the world had shifted and that having Callie and Sofia, at home laughing just felt right. Still, something was wrong, she was wrong, she didn't get to be this happy not again, she was too broken for this. Just as her thought were going really dark, Sofia bounced over saying something bringing Arizona out of her distracted state.
"What do you think mommy?" She asked, Arizona knew she had been caught not listening.
"Err, sorry"
"Sofia wants to know if we can all go to the park on Saturday?" Callie repeated, she could tell Arizona had zoned out.
"Sure" Arizona agreed easily, spending more time with Sofia was an easy decision, she still wasn't fully trusting of Callie and her promise to give equal custody, but enjoyed spending time with her too.
"Great, which park do you want to go to Sof?" Callie asked
"The one with the slides and the ice cream please" Sofia begged.
"Sure" Arizona said, knowing exactly which park it was.
"Dinner is served" Callie announced, serving the chicken onto the plates. Arizona noticed while she had been zoned out someone had set the table. She carried her plate across, to the table, sitting down,
"yummm Callie, this is amazing" she moaned as she tried the chicken, Callie's blush caught her attention as she remembered their daughter was in the room. "This is so yummy in my tummy" she covered,
"Uh huh its Mamma speciality" Sofia bragged. Arizona nodded, she knew all off Callie's special meals and missed them. She missed coming home seeing Callie dancing around the kitchen, singing away as she cooked, she missed trying to help only to get batted away and join in the dancing, she missed trying to surprise Callie with cooking her but Callie coming in and trying to salvage dinner. She was brought out of her reminiscing by a hand on her arm,
"Are you okay?" Callie asked, her brown eyes full of concern, she noticed Arizona drifting into deep thought a few times,
"Sorry" Arizona blushed, she was wasting Callie's time, suffocating her again. Callie had only wanted to come tonight to support Sofia and she was taking up her time by thinking of the old days. Selfish, she cursed herself, being a burden, again, Callie deserved better.
"It's okay" Callie reassured wishing she had insight into what Arizona was thinking.
"Sof, we need, I mean I need to tell you something," Arizona began nervously, "It just, well," she took a breath trying to steady herself remembering what Natasha had said, Callie gripped her arm. "Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" she blurted out,
"Did you eat it?" Sofia questioned, Callie snorted, Arizona let out a breath, maybe this wouldn't be as bad as she thought,
"No, I didn't eat it" Arizona said
"How did it get there?" Sofia asked, her brown eyes wide and fixated on Arizona's stomach, Arizona let out a strange noise, trying to work out how she would explain, Graham and the rape,
"Well, to make a baby you need an ovum from a woman and sperm from a man, when a man gives his sperm to a woman's ovum it grows a baby in a special part of her tummy called a womb." Callie took over, Arizona gave her a grateful smile,
"When will it come out?" Sofia questioned,
"It takes a long time to grow but it should be here before Christmas" Arizona took that one,
"Is my daddy its daddy?" Sofia asked,
"No, you have different daddies, and you came from mamma's ovum, this baby is coming from mommy's ovum" Callie explained, "But you will still be its big sister" she reassured,
"And it will have mommy and mamma" Sofia said, there was an awkward silence, as Callie and Arizona both tried to work out how to explain, this baby would only have a mommy,
"Well, it will have a mommy, but I'm your mamma, not the babies," Callie said, hoping Sofia wouldn't question it,
"Why?" She asked,
"Well, when you were born, mommy and mamma were living together, but now we aren't so the baby has a mommy, a sister and an Aunt Callie" Arizona joined in, hoping Callie would agree to be its aunt and that she hadn't just suffocated her ex-wife. The panic started, she had made a decision for Callie without her consent, she was going to hate her, she would take Sofia, she had every right to take Sofia, the courts had said that much, what if Callie did that, what if she felt suffocated again, what if she didnt want to be this babies family? After all she didn't like its mother very much, and Arizona didnt think she'd ever spoken to Graham, this baby was nothing to her.
"Arizona breath, Sof, sweetie can you go get a glass of water please?" Callie asked, she could tell Arizona was panicking, and didn't want Sofia to worry.
"Arizona, calm down, you are safe," Callie reassured pulling her into a tight hug. Sofia returned, seeing her mommies hugging she joined in. Arizona felt the panic lesson in the centre of a group hug,
"I'm okay, thank you" she said
"We are the best huggers" Sofia announced proudly missing the panic attack. "I can't wait to meet my baby brother,"
"Well, it might be a girl" Callie suggested raising an eyebrow,
"No, I want a brother, Zola says that Ellis is boring, all she does is steal her clothes and her toys. Bailey pulls faces and he can play football." Sofia insisted. Deciding not to argue Callie shrugged at Arizona. There was a 50% chance she'd get her wish.
"Right Sof, its bath time and bedtime" Arizona ordered checking the clock,
"Can you and Mamma do it." Sofia asked, she was loving having both of her parents together and was basking in the attention. Blue eyes met brown, asking if that was okay, a soft nod from both. Arizona asking if it was too much bother, Callie confirming she wasn't overstaying her welcome.
"Yay, mamma you have to see my toys," Sofia demanded taking Callie's hand dragging her to the bathroom. Arizona followed slower, when she arrived Sofia had already got the bubbles and the toys out and was naked. Callie was running the tap, still curiously taking in the bathroom, especially the lack of handles everywhere. Arizona could see the thoughts running through her mind, years together had meant she was attuned to Callie.
"There are 2 bathrooms, this one and one that's accessible" she explained. "This is Sofia's and the guest bathroom" Arizona blushed slightly still embarrassed by her extra needs. The bars in the shower, the extra-large turning circle for her chair, the transferring aids. It wasn't exactly sexy, and with all the pregnancy weight it was only going to get worse. Her legs were going to swell while on the right that would be mostly at her ankle on her left it was going to be at her amputation site, making her prosthetic harder and harder to tolerate. It was just another reminder of how everything in her life had changed once she had lost her leg.
"Hey, where did you go?" A gentle hand on her arm brought her back to the bathroom. Callie was there concerned,
"Sorry, I was just thinking about my leg and the pregnancy fluid," Arizona apologised, tensing as she brought up the leg with Callie, not wanting to open up old wounds,
"I was thinking about that actually, have you got time tomorrow to come to the lab?" Callie questioned, Arizona nodded, "Great I'd like to show you some demo's" Callie said enthusiastically, she'd been looking at solutions since the first time Arizona got pregnant. Finding a large gap in the market that she wanted to fill. Since Arizona had lost her leg she found a new life in orthopaedics, trying to create the best prosthetics possible both for Arizona and every other amputee out there because what was out there just wasn't good enough or cheap enough and it was disgraceful.
Arizona nodded again, feeling tense, she was always nervous about upsetting Callie with talk of her missing leg, after all it had been the start of the end.
"Mamma you need to wash my hair now" Sofia interrupted them, and their musings, obliging Callie obeyed carefully washing the locks, not getting any soap in her daughter's eyes. By the time she was finished Arizona had the bath towel and fluffy pyjama's ready, Callie lifted Sofia out the tub, Arizona engulfing her into a towel. They worked together to get her dressed and into bed Callie carrying her while Arizona untucked the quilt and got the story book.
"Who do you want to read?" Arizona asked,
"You mommy, Mamma read last night" Sofia ordered. Arizona began the book but only got to the second page before Sofia was asleep in bed, they took it in turns to give her a kiss goodnight. Outside Callie waited for Arizona,
"She took it well" Callie remarked pleasantly surprised,
"Yeah" Arizona said, "I'm sorry about the Auntie Callie, I mean I shouldn't have presumed, you're nothing to this baby, you're free, I didn't mean to burden you" She apologised,
"It's not a burden, and I don't want to be nothing to you" Callie replied, "I'm happy to be Auntie Callie, like I said to you, I'm here for you, I'm here for both of you," Callie promised, Arizona nodded still not believing Callie. How could she after everything she had been through, after everything Callie had put her through. Still, what could she say? She didn't want to risk annoying Callie, she could change her mind and take Sofia to New York in an instance.
"Hey, is this going to be the baby's nursery?" Callie asked peering into the room opposite Sofia's the room where Amelia had stayed. Arizona shrugged, she hadn't really thought about that, she hadn't had the energy to even think about when the baby came, instead focusing on the fact there was a baby coming.
"I mean it's a lovely room sunny in the morning darker in the evening, I can help you decorate it, if you'd like" Callie offered. "I'm sure Sofia would love to help paint"
Arizona nodded; she wasn't sure about Callie decorating the spare room but wanted desperately to spend more time with her daughter.
"What colour do you want? I mean we don't know if it's a boy or a girl, but I guess pink could work with either, especially as I know you don't assign gender to colour, I did see a gorgeous green nursery. It had zoo animals all over it," Callie rambled. "I can show you if you'd like?" She offered, Arizona nodded, not wanting to be alone not just yet. Callie smiled, her counsellor had told her that she needed to go slow, to let Arizona adapt, to build up the trust, for both of them. It was going to take time, but Callie knew she wasn't going anywhere she just hoped Arizona was on the same page.
They sat at the computer, Callie showing her the nursery. Arizona smiled and nodded at the jungle theme, but Callie could tell her heart wasn't in it. She left her at the computer to go to the bathroom when she returned, she found Arizona minimising the browser.
"Would you like a drink?" Arizona offered, Callie didn't but wanted to see she waited until Arizona was distracted and quickly clicked the tab finding a baby blue nursery with owls, and hot air balloons and stars. Callie memorised it, before minimising the tab before Arizona came back.
"Hey British bake off is on, do you fancy watching it?" Callie asked nervously praying Arizona accepted her offer to her relief Arizona nodded. They sat silently on one sofa, either side, in silence both wishing they could say more. Callie checked the clock after the third episode.
"I better go, would you like Sof again Friday, Saturday Sunday?" she offered. Arizona nodded she'd take all the days with Sofia that she could. "You don't mind if I hang out Saturday, we can go to the park like we promised?" Callie asked, again Arizona nodded, how could she say no, when Callie was letting her see Sofia.
"Great," there was an awkward silence. Callie wanting to say more, Arizona emotionally exhausted but not wanting to be alone. They sat watching bake off for a bit longer both enjoying the company. Finally bake off finished, reluctantly Callie stood,
"Thank you for having me and letting me cook, I really had a nice time" she said going to the door, "Maybe next week you can come to mine, and I can cook, anything you want" Callie offered,
"That would be nice" Arizona replied finding herself wanting to spend more time with Callie even if it scared her. Callie had broken her once, she had the power to destroy her. Still Callie had this energy, this power, Arizona just wanted to be close to her, no matter how much it hurt.
"Great, we can discuss it more on Saturday, text me when you're at the park and I'll join you." Callie suggested walking to the door, at the door she turned bending in giving Arizona a friendly hug and kiss goodbye before walking to her car. Arizona stood at the door holding her cheek, it felt like it was on fire, she tried desperately to committee it to memory. The last kiss she had hadn't been consensual, and it didn't compare at all to this light brush of Callie's lips. It made her feel alive.
Callie meanwhile got in her car hoping the kiss goodbye hadn't been too much, she didn't want to push but she hadn't been able to stop herself kissing her as she left. Slow steps, her counsellor had advised, it was hard, there was so much history between them. Yet it had gone well, better than she expected, and she had another 2 dates, well meet ups. It was too early to call them dates she needed to gain Arizona's trust first. Slowly, she reminded herself, slowly. She was used to rushing things, going from 0-60 but this was different. They had both been hurt badly and despite that they always came back to each other, and this time would be no different.
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