Scooby came out of the light first, his tail hung low, legs shaking. The pattering of his claws on the rocky floor filled the dreadful silence that hung over the stuffy cave. Fred emerged behind him, his face buried in his hands. Shaggy followed last – his eyes stuck to the ground as he made his way to a cold, steel bench. They were hollow eyes that had seen too much. In them reflected only one thing: dread. Shaggy and Fred sat next to each other in silence, Scooby rested his head on Shaggy's lap and let out a mournful whimper. Shaggy combed his cold, clammy, fingers through the fur on Scooby's head and took in a deep breath. As he did so, he radiated a heavenly green glow. His hair lifted as if in the presence of static electricity.
"What. The. Zoink! Man. Like, what the zoink was that?" Shaggy shouted, thrusting his fist into a wall. The facility rumbled and small pieces of rock fell from the ceiling. Phineas set a gentle hand on his shoulder.
"I understand how you're feeling. It's a lot to take in. I should warn you, though, that this place is surrounded by magma," he consoled. Ferb inspected the crack left by Shaggy's punch with a comically large magnifying glass.
"Are you a Kryptonian?" Ferb inquired. Shaggy looked up, still delirious from what he'd just experienced.
"Like, no man, I'm just, like, freaking out dude," he replied, petting Scooby again.
"Ferb does make an interesting point. Not a lot of humans can punch like that," Phineas added, "maybe you're a Viltrumite."
"I'm not any of those things little dude, I'm just plain old Shaggy," he explained.
"Shaggy's right, he's always been like that. He was the best gymnast in school," Fred said, wiping his brow with his ascot.
"No kidding?" Phineas said, looking Shaggy up and down.
"Yeah, he was in the Olympics too. Brought home the bronze in sprints," Fred explained.
"Like, you don't gotta remind me, man," Shaggy moped.
"It's okay Shaggy, the competition was tough that year. You were racing against Sonic the Hedgehog and he wasn't even the one who came in first," Fred said, patting Shaggy on the shoulder, "you'll take home the gold next time."
"Like, there won't be a next time man. You felt that spooky light thing," Shaggy responded, looking back to the ground. The room fell silent again. Shaggy stood up.
"Like, I think I need at least two Scooby Snacks man," he announced, then promptly left through a wind tube. Fred and Scooby looked at each other with concern.
"Phineas, Ferb… what was that?" Fred inquired. Phineas and Ferb him over to a computer while Scooby went after Shaggy.
They brought up a screen titled "THE PROPHECY."
"It's a rough translation, but it seems to document a series of unnatural events leading to the arrival of Cthulhu," Phineas explained. "It starts with unnaturally heavy rainstorms, meant to enrich the soil with something. We don't have a translation for what. The rainstorms turn to floods, and then it all subsides. Then these flowers emerge…"
"Does it say when Cthulhu will come?" Fred asked.
"We haven't gotten that far yet. It takes our computer too long to process the light. We'd need a top-of-the-class supercomputer to decode it any quicker."
"We might know someone," Fred replied, pulling his phone from his pocket.
…
Shaggy spat out of the tube into an alleyway. He sauntered over to a dumpster, stomping on an orange flower in as he went. Leaning against the garbage bin, he took a joint from his pocket and lit it.
"Room for r'one more?" Scooby asked, walking over to Shaggy.
"Like, always for you buddy," Shaggy said, taking a draw and passing the boof to Scoob. He held it for a moment, then let the smoke out slowly. After taking an intense rip, Scooby began coughing.
"Rhat's some rank shit Raggy," Scooby sputtered between coughs.
"Like hey, I've got an idea man," Shaggy said, pulling a Nokia phone from his pocket,
"let's call the Flash!"
"BFFEB's forevs, rehehehehe," Scooby giggled. After a short search in his contacts, Shaggy located and dialed the Flash. They waited as it rang.
"Like, I'm getting tired of all these spooky alleys, dude."
"You said it." Scooby agreed. The Flash answered.
"Shaggy, Scooby, what can I do for ya?" Buzzed from Shaggy's cruddy phone speaker.
"Like, Flash, man, uh, sir? We could totally use, like, you and the League's help, man!" Shaggy awkwardly announced into the phone.
"Sorry Shaggy, love to help, but the League and I are off-world right now," The Flash replied.
"Like, since when man?"
"Look, the League's trying to keep this on the low; don't wanna any villains realizing we're off-world, but since you're such good friends of Barry Allen… we're investigating the murders of the Guardians of the Globe."
"Oh yeah, like, didn't that Omni-Man guy go totally berzerk?"
"Again, I'm not really supposed to get into the details…" the Flash reasserted.
"But, like, we're in danger man! How're we gonna eat stacks of White Castle with our best fast food eating buddy, Barry Allen, if we're like totally dead?" Shaggy plead.
"Awe, common guys. If things get really bad, the Avengers are around. Worse comes to worst, they send those Vought weirdos over," the Flash reassured them. Shaggy and Scooby weren't convinced. Scooby whimpered over the phone.
"R'e're scared Flash," Scooby said.
"Scooby-Doo… I'm sorry. There's just no way I can get to you guys! It would take weeks to fly back."
"R'hy can't you run?"
"I can't run in space Scooby-Doo. Tell you guys what, when I get back, I'll have our friend Barry Allen make it up to you guys. He'll treat you to all you can eat," Flash offered.
"That's, like, assuming there's any of us left when you get back," Shaggy replied. In the background of the call, a voice could be heard.
"Flash, we think we got a signal. He's headed b-" the call ended.
"Like the worlds really gonna end Scoob," Shaggy said, sniffling from the cold.
"Ro way Raggy. R'ell save the world," Scooby reassured him, passing the joint back.
"But, like, we've never had to fight a Cthulhu man," Shaggy rebutted, taking another hit.
"Reah true, but re've rangoed r'ith razy monsters rike this before. Remember Pericles?" Scooby said, setting a paw on Shaggy's foot. Shaggy looked down at Scooby.
"Like, I'll never forget. The trauma of that event's, like, totally forever seared into all of our hearts man. Permanently. But, like, who's to say we'll get lucky again? What if this mystery's out of our League, Scoob? I'm just a chef from Coolsville, man."
"Raggy. You are a detective. R'I am a detective. Re are mystery solvers. Ris is a mystery. Do you know rut rat means?"
"Like, we're toast?"
"Ro. R'it means re're ronna ret this bitch chase us for some Scooby Snacks, Fred's ronna rap him, and re're ronna rip rhe rask r'off his smug face and send him to a rifetime of misery in a smalltown prison. Rot rat?"
"Like, about twenty percent or so, enough to get the gist," Shaggy put the boof out and pocketed it. "You're right Scoob. What do ya say you and we get out of this spooky alley and find something to eat?" he concluded, petting Scooby on the head.
"Amen," Scooby agreed. Both of them began walking but were frozen in their tracks by a sound that came from a branch in the alley to their left. The hair on Shaggy's neck stood and goosebumps dotted his skin.
"Like, did you hear that, buddy?"
"Reah, rit sounded like a burp," Scooby observed. Once again, from down the branch of the narrow, dark alleyway, a burp echoed.
"Come here," a raspy old man's voice followed.
"Who's there, man?" Shaggy yelled into the alley.
"Relax man, I just got a whiff of that ganja, thought maybe we could sess it up," the voice shouted back. Shaggy and Scooby looked at each other for a moment, then nodded in agreement.
"R'okay, rehehehehe," Scooby replied, and the two sauntered into the dark branch of the alley. A man in a white lab coat stepped out of the shadows and looked Shaggy up and down.
"Holy shit, you're Shaggy fucking Rogers," he said, drool escaping his mouth. The man smelled of alcohol and cocaine.
"Like, that's my name man, don't wear it out," Shaggy cooly replied, whipping the joint out. He lit it up and passed it to the old man, who took a long draw. "Like, what's your name, man?"
"Rick," he replied, leaning against a mangy dumpster. He blew a thick cloud of smoke into Scooby's face. "Not gonna lie, this shit's kinda mid."
"Like, sorry dude, the good stuff's in the van," Shaggy replied, hitting the spliffy.
"Hold on, I gotta check something," Rick said. He pressed a button on his earpiece and let out a fourth caliber burp.
"What was that?" rang out from the earpiece.
"Like hey, that sounded like Bill Murray!" Shaggy noted.
"What was what?" Another voice chimed in, this time with an English accent.
"Come in baby bear, do you read me baby bear? Over," Rick asked, taking a quick swig from a flash in his lab coat pocket and burping again.
"This is baby bear, I read you loud and clear, papa bear. Over," the English voices said back.
"What's the scoop on this place? Over," Rick asked. He looked at Shaggy and motioned at him to pass the joint back.
"Nothing much yet. I'm listening to their conversation right now. They mentioned something called the pollinators, my guess is these pollinators are required to activate the buds. Over," the voice said in a whisper. A holographic notepad appeared in front of Rick and began automatically transcribing their conversation. Quieter background voices began conversing.
"Like, what're they saying man?" Shaggy asked, leaning towards Rick, who brought up a holographic volume slider and cranked it up to 300%.
"…All the arrangements are made for Hank's wife?" one voice said, with a strong Texan accent.
"You'll have her feet on your mantel," somebody replied. There were some scuffling noises, creaking, then an explosive crashing sound.
"Blast! Those quarter-wit fools rueened our plan," the voice yelled.
"Rueened? Rhy is he saying it like rat?" Scooby asked.
"Like what? I'm just pointing out the plan is rueened," the voice defended, "besides, who are you to talk? You're the one adding an 'R's' to half the- by God, is that Scooby-Doo?"
"Fuck yeah it is, and Shaggy," Rick said, chugging a few more gulps from his flask. He offered it to Shaggy, who also took a few hefty gulps.
"Wow, I've never seen you this excited abut anyone other than yourself old man," the English voice said.
"Piss off, did you hear yourself? 'By God, is that Scooby-Doo?' as if God gives half a shit," Rick belligerently replied.
"Please, I'm one. You're older than the cockroaches living under the fat man's left boob," the voice quipped. Suddenly, everyone was transported to a scene of a few elder cockroaches addressing their tribe.
"Brothers… sisters… sons… daughters… we've thrived under this ape's left side boob for many centuries," one cockroach announced. A crowd of roaches cheered.
"However," another elder roach interrupted, silencing the crowd, "our resources dwindle thin… the fat man's become adept at eating the crumbs he spills down his shirt. The precious crumbs we titty roaches rely on."
"That is why we elder roaches have devised a plan, a treacherous migration from the left boob to the unexplored territory to the right," the first elder roach explained. The crowd began cheering again.
"Come, my roach brethren, follow us to the promised land, infinite bounty awaits us," the second roach cried, leading the march.
Everyone was once again transported to a scene of the fat man lying in bed without a shirt, nibbling chip crumbs off his chest. Suddenly a few roaches crawl out from his left boob. The fat man cries out in terror and squashes them. Everyone's transported back to reality.
"Like, I think I'm greening out, man" Shaggy uttered, rubbing his head.
"Cut away gag, because apparently saying the joke isn't enough," Rick said.
"Right," Shaggy said, putting the joint out, "like what're you and your kid up to anyways man?"
"Stewie's not my kid, he's my partner," Rick replied, leaving Shaggy and Scooby in silence, "obviously not like that. Like a partner in crime. Rick and Stewie: A Platonic Partnership."
"So, like, wait a minute man. You're, like, committing crimes with someone else's baby in a spooky alley?" Shaggy asked. Rick let out a frustrated sigh.
"Not committing crimes," he rebutted, punctuating his sentence with a seventh caliber burp. "We're… what do you guys call it again? Oh yeah, we're 'solving a mystery,'" he enunciated with air quotes.
"Like, no kidding man, we're also solving a mystery," Shaggy replied.
"R'eah, r'ike two of them, r'e saw the end of the universe, rehehehehe," Scooby added. Rick's eyes narrowed.
"What do you mean you saw the end of the universe?" He implored further. Shaggy and Scooby looked at each other.
"Well, like, we met these two kids with far-out hair and they put us in these tube thingies man," Shaggy began.
"R'eah, r'and after that, r'e were told to r'alk into the r'ight," Scooby continued.
"Like, so we said 'no way man, we need a pizza first,'" Shaggy added on.
"Right, a r'izza, r'and Fred was all like, 'R'o way gang, r'e don't have time for pizza,'" Scooby said in his best Fred voice.
"Like, Scoob and I were both taken aback man," Shaggy explained further, "when isn't there time for pizza?"
"Listen. Time's a construct and we live in a giant centipede. There's always time for pizza," Rick replied, poking Shaggy in the chest and letting out a three-second burp. He downed the last few drops of alcohol from his flask.
"Like, exactly man, that's basically what we said," Shaggy continued.
"R'eah, so Fred got the r'izza r'and it was Hawaiian."
"Don't forget about that delish veggie lovers with stuffed crust, Scoob!"
"Alright, let's skip to after the pizza," Rick burped, "what-" he let out a hiccup, "what happened next?"
"Like, you're missing the best part man, but if you insist," Shaggy replied, wiping drool from his chin hair, "basically, man, we walked into this light thingie and tripped out man."
"R'I think I stared into the eyes of death," Scooby said, his tail lowering. Rick looked at both of them then took a deep breath.
"Was it almost indescribable? Like you experienced a bunch of things at once?" Rick asked them. They both nodded yes.
"How'd you know, man?"
"We're investigating the same mystery, and somehow you found what Stewie and I have been looking for first," Rick explained. The English voice piped in from Rick's headset again.
"Speaking of Stewie, why don't you get him out of this dirty hospital vent before he catches pneumonia?" It buzzed.
"Only if you stop speaking in the third person," Rick replied, removing a silver gadget gun from his pocket. On top, a vial of luminescent green liquid swirled in hypnotizing ways. Taking aim, he shot at a wall, causing a large, green portal to materialize. Out walked a young baby in red overalls and a yellow shirt with an oddly football-shaped head. He met eyes with Scooby-Doo.
"Oh my God, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" Stewie shouted excitedly as he ran over to Scooby, who immediately dropped to the floor for belly rubs.
"Wow, I've never seen you this excited about anyone other than designer underwear," Rick retorted.
"Please, at least I'm excited about the mascot and not the hippie," Stewie said, continuing to rub a content Scooby's belly, "oh my god, wait, will you sign my yogurt cup?" Stewie grabbed an empty Scooby-Doo-themed yogurt cup and a Sharpie from his pocket and handed them to Scooby.
"Like, you want me to sign it too, little man?" Shaggy said, reaching for the cup as Scooby finished writing. Stewie swatted his hand away.
"Hands off, hippie," he barked, snatching the cup away. As he did so, Shaggy noticed the eyes on his character were scratched out.
"Could you show Stewie and me where this 'light' is?" Rick supplicated. He burped and went to drink from his flask. Upon realizing it was empty, he pressed a small button on the side that automatically refilled it and took a swig.
"Sure, dude," Shaggy agreed, motioning them to follow. The four of them went over to a dumpster.
"Like, Reindeer Flotilla," Shaggy said to it. Four large tubes shot out from the dumpster, inhaling them all. They surfed through the network of transportation tubes and out into Phineas and Ferb's cave laboratory. In the corner, Phineas and Ferb were in the midst of explaining a blueprint of the cave displayed on a massive computer monitor to Fred.
"So ignoring photonic interference, these walls should cloak any sort of tracking," Phineas concluded.
"This is great stuff you guys," Fred complimented.
"Thanks," Phineas replied.
"Have you guys ever considered getting into the trapping hobby? I have a few magazines I could recommend," Fred stopped talking as he noticed Shaggy and Scooby waltz in with Rick and Stewie.
"Like, hey Fred!" Shaggy said, walking Rick and Stewie towards the light. On sight, Ferb withdrew a quantum deconstruction gun and locked it onto Rick's atomic signature. Rick didn't bat an eye, and casually threw a piece of bubble gum in his mouth. Phineas put a hand on the gun's nozzle.
"Easy, brother, we're trying to spread our word far and wide," Phineas softly reminded him. Ferb glared at Rick and slowly lowered the deadly weapon.
"Uh… Shaggy, Scooby, who're your friends?" Fred inquired.
"Rick Sanchez," Ferb vocalized with a sting of disgust.
"Guilty as charged," Rick said, spitting gum onto the ground, "that it over there?" He motioned to the light, which emitted its uncanny glow from the depths of the cave.
"Yeah man," Shaggy affirmed. The hairs on the back of his neck stood. Rick and Stewie made their way into the light. For a moment, there was silence. After thirty seconds, both of them let out gut-wrenching screams of utter terror and came sprinting out of the light.
"First, Shaggy I'm gonna need you to get that spliff out," Rick commanded, "second, now that I know what we're dealing with," he took a few gulps from his flask, "Stewie we're gonna have some-" a raspy eleventh caliber burp escaped his stomach, "some work to do."
"You know what this is?" Phineas asked. Shaggy brought the spliff back out and lit it up.
"Of course, and I'm not gonna waste my time explaining it to a few kids. Where are your parents anyway?" Rick asked, grabbing the joint from Shaggy.
"Where're your caretakers?" Ferb retorted.
"Ferb! Sorry, he's a little on edge. Tell you what Mr. Sanchez, why don't you humor us? I'm sure we'll be able to keep up."
"I highly doubt that. Alright, I'll preface with the fact that the multiverse is a-"
"Eldritch infintipede," Ferb completed. Phineas looked to Ferb with confusion.
"Right, the multiverse is a sort of organism. Like any other organism, our infintipede can fall prey to parasites; nasty creatures on the outside that can dig their way in and fuck shit up," Rick explained while tuning his portal gun, "when they dig their way in, they leave a wound."
"The light's a wound…" Phineas uttered, a feeling of dread building in his gut.
"So the parasite's already in," Fred added. He took the joint out of Rick's hand and took a rip.
"Zoink no, man. Zoink no. Let's call The Avengers. Like, fuck it, let's call the FBI," Shaggy suggested in a state of panic.
"No one will believe us. Ferb and I have been trying to spread the word of the light for months. People just think we're a death cult," Phineas said back.
"It's fine. I'll find and exterminate whatever got in, but first I gotta close this rift," Rick reassured them, walking back over to the light.
"While he does that, I'll begin searching for the larvae and figuring out its connection to those 'pollinators,'" Stewie said, sitting criss-cross applesauce and taking a laptop out from his backpack.
"Great, and I'll see about that super com-" Fred's speech halted and he began sweating, "Daphne's in trouble, gang," he suddenly shouted out of nowhere. Shaggy and Scooby looked at each other in confusion.
"Like, how do you know that, Fred?" Shaggy asked.
"I'm getting a mental alert," he explained, sprinting over to one of the exit tubes.
"Oh, ha-hoo," Shaggy laughed, "like, that's just the green talkin' man!"
"I'm serious Shaggy, I had Velma install a computer into my neural network and it's saying that Daph's in trouble," Fred sternly shouted, waving at them to follow.
"R'okay," Scooby agreed, running towards Fred. Shaggy and Phineas followed.
"You coming?" Phineas asked. Ferb gave Rick a menacing glare and pointed at him. "I know, but don't worry. We'll arm the security systems." Ferb reluctantly left with the rest of the gang, leaving Rick and Stewie to their research.