A/N: I don't have the heart for a happy AN today kids. As a woman in the US, I woke up in the 1950's today and I am not amused. Please enjoy the chapter, I worked on Masako and Yasu a little here.
As always, not my sandbox, just my sandcastle.
Case Four Part Three
"The Weight of Heavy Things"
"Guess I'm wishing my life away…with these things I'll never say." - Avril Lavigne, Things I'll Never Say
Mai walked out of the hotel's small bathroom, sighing as she toweled her hair dry. It was kind of a pain, and for a moment she contemplated cutting it short like she had worn it in high school.
She was still cold. No matter how hot she had turned the water temperature to, she hadn't been able to shake the cold settled into her bones. Snagging an elastic out of her overnight bag, she began to french braid her hair. Ayako had taught her how, and even Mai had to admit it looked nice on her.
Even better, it helped keep her unruly hair under control.
Masako glanced up from her spot on her bed. "Feeling any better?"
Mai arched a wry brow at her. "Are you?"
Masako flopped back on the bed, a casual action Mai would never have expected her capable of four years ago. "Absolutely not."
"There you go." Mai agreed, tying off her braid.
"Did you see John's face?" Masako asked in a small voice, and Mai had to turn away, pretending to look for something in her bag, trying to look busy, trying to feel busy.
"Yeah." She said finally, not wanting to leave Masako's question hanging in the air. Things like that could gain weight quickly.
And so many heavy things were hanging there already.
She wanted to ask Masako if she thought Mai should tell Naru about John's past, but that seemed rude since she hadn't even told Masako what she knew…
Should she go and try to talk to him herself?
But what if she ended up crying again over what happened today and he had to comfort her while she was trying to comfort him?
Fat lot of good she would be then.
A knock on the door had them looking at each other.
"Probably just one of the guys." Mai said, shrugging as she started to open the door.
"Make sure you look first!" Masako said quickly, and the slight edge of fear in her voice was enough to let Mai know just how badly the events of the day had shaken her.
Damn cops.
"It's Yasu!" The voice called from the other side of the door, and Mai grinned a little, shooting Masako a quick look.
Opening the door, she surveyed her other best friend. He was standing there with a bag of chips and a box of Pocky.
"I brought gifts?" He said, holding up his offerings. His smile was bright and his voice was easy, and she knew exactly what he was doing, or at least trying to do for them.
The reason they were best friends, despite all their differences and improbabilities, the age difference, different schools, even interests, was that Yasu was the first person she'd ever met who seemed to feel it, the way she did, the push-push-push to swim and swim through this life.
To swim or drown.
And he was the only person who seemed to pretend half as much as she did.
Mai grinned back, feeling her other self, her survivor-self slip over her.
Push. Smile. Swim. Survive. Repeat.
"Well, in that case..." She stepped aside to let him in.
"Oh! Yasu! Your sweatshirt, I'm sorry, I should have returned it earlier..." Masako was sitting straight up now, looking for the item in question, and Mai's grin widened, becoming just a touch more genuine.
Those two had been circling each other warily for months now, and it was so cute sometimes it made her teeth hurt. But no matter how many times she tried to help them, it was like they just barely kept missing each other. They were both trying so hard in their own way.
But they both had so much scar tissue.
Yasu was the most brilliant person she knew. He seemed so confident, and so easy going.
And he was so sad inside.
Not sad like John, like he'd lost something. No, Yasu accepted his sadness, like he thought he deserved it. Like he was broken in some fundamental way that made him deserve the sadness. The idiot thought he was lacking. She'd know from the first time she'd met him that something was just a little off, this brilliant, confident boy who seemed to think he deserved a death curse he'd never even participated in.
She hadn't understood it all, wouldn't for years, but she'd recognized it.
Masako was beautiful, talented, famous and somewhat wealthy in her own right. Yasu looked at her like she was the sun and he was afraid of touching her in case he got burned.
Because he didn't think someone like him deserved a star.
And Masako. Masako worried that her shallow upbringing wouldn't allow her to maintain a relationship with someone as real and down to earth as Yasu.
She had very little experience with the give and take that nourished a real relationship, and she knew it. Her parent's marriage was a joke. She'd never had a real boyfriend. On camera she knew exactly who she was, but in the real world, face to face with the guy she liked, she seemed to lose all her words.
She felt like an imposter, and nothing Mai said seemed to help.
In short, they were pretty much attracted to each while being mutually terrified of each other. They were like parallel lines, not able to intersect.
And also, they thought she had no clue...
Apparently she was really good at looking oblivious. But that was okay, they didn't need any more pressure.
But still. They were moving at glacial speed...
Perhaps she could help things along.
"It's not a big deal, Masako." Yasu said with his easy smile as he reached out to take his sweatshirt from her.
"I'm going to go get drinks!" Mai suddenly announced, wallet in one hand, phone in the other.
"Uh... wait...I'll go with you..." Masako stuttered, standing, but Mai waived her off.
"My treat! Besides, I really need to give Ren a call. He's called a couple times now." She said, grabbing her room key and dashing out the door. She glanced over her shoulder as the door swung closed, watching Yasu settle on the bed next to Masako.
They looked good together, would be good together.
Hopefully. Someday.
She giggled to herself as she rode the elevator down to the lobby, but her giggles quickly faded as the day's events came back to haunt her once more.
She really did need to call Ren, but she knew she wouldn't. What would she even say?
"Today, I stood there while a man killed himself. And technically, this isn't even the first time it's happened to me. How was your day?"
She felt all her words dry up and disappear just thinking about it.
Yeah, she had explained to Ren that she was a "ghost hunter", but there was a huge difference in understanding your girlfriend was a "tiny bit psychic" sometimes, and explaining that she was basically ghost bait and surrounded by death and misfortune.
Even when she wasn't ghost hunting.
So what was the point?
She walked across the small lobby to where she had seen some vending machines when they first checked in. It wasn't a particularly large hotel, but it was cleaner than a lot of places they had stayed during 'hunts', so she wasn't complaining.
She fed the machine change, first getting Masako's favorite before picking out a juice she knew Yasu liked. When she went to feed it a third time, she realized she was one coin short.
Typical.
Oh well. She only had two hands anyway. She'd just tell them she'd finished hers while talking to Ren.
She leaned her head against the machine's cool glass, wanting to give the other two a little more time alone.
All too soon, however, her mind had drifted once again to the caretaker's suicide.
Which naturally circled back to last night's fight with Naru.
And all the things she could never, never say.
"Mai, can you come in here please?" Naru had called from his office.
The 'please' was enough to put Mai on alert.
The Narcissist wanted something.
She was betting on tea, but perhaps it was something more serious. Was he going to press her for answers about John?
Would she answer if he did?
Though John hadn't sworn her to secrecy, per se, it was obvious he hadn't spoken about his reasons for leaving the church with anyone else.
It was obviously personal, but a sound argument could be made for it being work related too, she knew, and if anyone was capable of composing a sound argument, it was Naru...
"Hey, I'm just about to leave..." she said, from just inside the door. She wanted to be able to make a quick escape if necessary.
"Come here, I need to give you something." He said, his voice as impersonal as ever.
She frowned.
Needed to give her something?
She walked closer, curious, despite herself.
Granted, knowing him it was probably an ultimatum…
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet sack, perhaps the size of her palm. Upending it on the desk, a silver ring fell out. She picked it up curiously, turning it over in her hand.
It was obviously a man's ring, solid metal, silver by her guess. Unlike the average ring she had seen in the shops around town, this one looked... crafted. Handmade.
On both the inside and outside she could see characters etched in it. It looked a little like the talismans Ayako made sometimes, and a little like the characters Lin had used for his exorcism, but not quite either.
"It was Gene's." Naru said simply, and the breath froze in her chest. She looked at him silently, waiting for him to elaborate.
Apparently they had gone from ignoring the elephant in the room to riding on it.
"While your abilities manifested only a few years ago, Gene's abilities, like mine, manifested as children. They were often overwhelming. Nightmares, visions and ghosts everywhere. Finally my mother found a holy person, a shaman, you might say, to make this for him. It has wards to lessen psychic abilities like yours. It will help give you an extra level of protection. He'd outgrown the size of the ring by the time we were thirteen or fourteen, so I expect it will fit you now."
Oh.
Oh.
A part of her wanted to cry at the thought of her sweet spirit guide as a vision-tormented child. Another part of her sorrowed at the tangible expression of love Luella had obviously felt for her now dead son. And yet another part of her marveled at how hard Naru seemed to be trying to do what he THOUGHT was the right thing.
But mostly, there was just a gaping stillness inside her.
The stillness where all her words should be, and sometimes she was so, so tired of her own silence.
That Naru wanted to protect her was a good thing, she knew on an intellectual level.
That he thought she'd like to own something of Gene's wasn't unexpected.
Nothing about this gesture was wrong, or rude or-
(Me...or Gene?)
"Thank you, Naru. I really appreciate the gesture." She said, hoping her sincerity could be heard in her voice.
(I'll stay right here. I'll wait for you.)
It was just so heavy.
It was heavy with all the hopes and fears and misunderstandings that had swirled between the three of them. The hopes of their Mother. The plans Gene had for himself. Naru's love for the brother he cared for but never understood. Her feelings for Naru. Her feelings for Gene, despite what Naru had believed them to be.
Expectations and misunderstandings.
(Me...or Gene?)
She handed the ring back to him gently.
(I have to stay, and you have to leave.)
It was heavy, and she was tired of holding onto all these heavy things. She was already drowning in the words she couldn't forget but also couldn't say.
"But I'm going to have to decline."
She didn't want it.
Not the ring, what it could do, what it was a symbol of, of what she was afraid it meant.
She was happy to have Gene back as her spirit guide.
But she did not want that ring.
Naru's eyes widened for a fraction of a second before his brows lowered ominously, and she braced herself.
It felt like the room was colder suddenly.
"You're turning it down?" He clarified, his words painfully calm.
She smiled. "I am. I'm not afraid of my powers, Naru. For better or worse, they're a part of me. I'm supposed to see the things I see, feel the things I feel. I have to believe that."
She had to believe that or she'd go crazy trying to understand why she was so different.
"You realize this won't stop your dreams. Like your Tea Shop, it simply gives you more control." His voice was tighter now, and it was obvious he was picking his words with care.
"It's not the same." She shook her head adamantly. "I created the tea shop myself. Brick by brick. I earned that power over my abilities. This would just be a crutch. It would be a step back."
That wasn't the only reason, of course. Honestly it wasn't even the most important one to her, but it was the only one she was comfortable sharing with Naru.
"And if you get hurt because you refused my help?" Naru asked, his voice rising in the empty office.
"That's just life, Naru. People get hurt crossing the street." She said unthinkingly, before her eyes widened in horror as she realized what she'd just said.
Naru just stared at her for an endless moment.
"Naru, I'm so sorry-"
"Get out." He said curtly, and she swore there was frost on the window panes.
She had just stood there helplessly for a moment, frustrated beyond words that no matter how hard she and Naru talked AT each other, they seemed doomed to never reach the other person's heart-
"I assume you'll inform me if the vending machine is possessed?" The quiet voice startled her. She exhaled harshly, feeling her heart hammering in her chest.
How did he ALWAYS manage to find her when her mind was a million miles away?
No wonder he thought she needed to be protected.
"Thank you for today." She said simply. She hadn't thanked him earlier, and she wanted him to know it mattered. It was hard to say, especially after refusing help the night before. But it was the right thing to do.
And she had to carry the words she didn't say, after all.
She walked past him softly. She knew if she stayed with him she'd end up in tears because no matter how hopeless it was, she still had feelings for him. The minute he'd tried to hand her his brother's ring, something small and hard and just a little jagged had crystallized in her, and she'd simply known.
She still had feelings for the narcissist.
And when he did things like what he'd done today, it broke her heart just a little more. And she couldn't let it, for a million reasons starting with Ren and ending with Gene.
There was a small thud behind her.
"Mai." She turned despite herself. He had so much control over her it was scary, even after all this time. He thought she was obstinate, but to her it felt very much like simply trying to survive.
He held out the can of green tea, and she took it, smiling at him helplessly.
"Thank you, Naru."
Damn you.
She really was hopeless, wasn't she? She was dating Ren, while in love with Naru, who wanted her to wear his twin brother's ring.
She started back to the elevator. At the door, she pushed the button, but when it opened, she found herself unable to enter the small metal box. She wasn't normally claustrophobic, but still, she simply couldn't.
"I..um. Excuse me." She swallowed, turning on her heels. Walking past him as quickly as she could, she headed towards the stairwell. "I'm going to take the stairs."
"We're on the fourth floor." She could hear the frown in his voice, but she did her best to ignore it. The problem was that the door to the stairwell opened out and she couldn't manage the latch while holding the three drinks.
She stared at it dumbly, pushing down her scream of frustration, willing it open.
She heard an irritated sigh behind her. After a second, he reached around her to twist the handle. She hurried through without a word, heading straight up the first flight of stairs. Behind her, she could hear his footsteps as he dutifully followed.
She made it two more flights before she realized she was slowing down, each step slower than the last.
"I need to sit." She said suddenly, nearly collapsing onto the top step of the fourth floor landing. Immediately, he was there, grasping her wrist in one hand, checking her pulse as he took the drinks from her with his other hand.
"Do you feel faint?" He asked, glancing down at his watch to time the beating of her heart. "Are you going to pass out?"
"Did I kill that man by turning down Gene's ring?" The words were little more than breath, but somehow they still seemed to echo in the stairwell. "Am I the reason he's dead?"
And now there were words, but she wished she could take them back, she always did, after the fact. At least when she swallowed them down, no one else had to carry the weight of them…
In front of her, Naru froze, still looking down at her wrist. Alarmed by his posture, Mai gasped. "Oh, kami-sami. I did, didn't I? You warned me, you told me something bad would happen if I-"
His hand across her mouth shocked her into silence.
"Listen to me." His voice echoed with low command, he stared directly into her eyes. His own were like two burning pools of indigo, holding her as helpless as the spirit had earlier.
"I told the Detective the truth earlier. There was absolutely nothing you or Masako could have done. It was already too late by the time the spirit enthralled you. Even if you hadn't been enthralled, if you had run into that church the moment you saw the caretaker on the ledge, it would still have been too late. Even if you had somehow managed to find the roof, he would have already been dead by the time you reached him."
He removed his hand but remained kneeling before her. She could almost feel the force of his personality willing her to listen to him.
She shook her head, feeling hot tears spill over onto her cheeks. "You can't know that."
"I can, and I do." Naru said, with his usual absolute conviction.
"How?" She whispered, trying to force down the rest of her tears.
"Because you caught it all on tape, Mai. I reviewed the footage six times before handing it over. It might have felt like a very long time to you and Masako, but in reality, it wasn't more than a few moments. You simply did not have the time. And even if you had, you never would have found the roof. The only reason John did was because most churches are built in a similar style. He knew where to look, and he still didn't have enough time."
It sounded reasonable, and yet…
The image of Gene's ring flashed through her mind.
She shook her head again. "You warned me..."
Naru grasped her chin sternly. "This is not why I offered you the ring. Yes, it might have lessened the control the spirit had over you, but it wouldn't have changed the fact that you thought you were experiencing a vision. It's your job to experience visions. You had no reason to fight it at first, so the ring wouldn't have changed your experience until it was too late."
She stared at him for a long moment, searching his face for any sign of a lie.
The problem was, he lied easily when it suited his means. What if he was lying now? Would he lie to her to make her feel better?
Possibly, yes. Especially if he thought she was getting too upset to investigate properly.
But he could also be telling the truth, at least the truth that suited him.
She sighed, closing her eyes as she tried to marshal her emotions. She felt ridiculous, like a little school girl crying in the stairwell in front of her crush. What was wrong with her? She never cried in public like this..
"Why did you really turn the ring down?" He asked, curiosity in his voice. Hiding just behind the words she thought she could sense the hurt.
She choked down another sob.
Because he'd broken her heart. Because he didn't even believe that he had. Because it was his brother's. Because she knew a part of him thought of her as his brother's, also.
Because she hadn't understood her own feelings enough four years ago to answer him, and he was gone by the time she did. And she was left, alone, drowning in her words, while the world around her seemed to catch fire while she drowned in silence.
And because it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Because in forcing herself to sort through her own emotions, she'd been forced to face the truth about Naru, and his actions.
That he saw himself in her, the orphan. But more than that, he saw Gene. Gene the orphan. Gene the medium. Gene the emotional one, the heartfelt one, the smiling one.
The one he hadn't been able to protect.
Gene was who he had failed, and Mai was who was left.
Mai, who was an outgoing orphan with psychic powers. Mai who was just like Gene, only a little louder. Mai who, according to Lin, even said things that Gene had once said.
She even had Gene as her spirit guide.
She had called him by his dead brother's nickname.
Such a silly little girl.
Of course he was going to feel like he had to protect her. In Naru's mind, helping Mai must have been a way of coping with his brother's loss.
Why else would he have taken on such a clueless novice? She was loud and argumentative. She broke things. She had never understood the subtleties of their investigations. Lin and Naru had always carried the true burden of their investigations. They had carried Mai, too.
She just hadn't understood that until later. He had carried her then the same way he had carried her down that mountain a few weeks ago.
Naru was a scientist, pure and simple. Yes, he was loyal. Yes, he could be kind. But he was not illogical.
So there was really only one reason he could have had for keeping her around. For protecting her over and over again. For falling into a sewer trying to save her, or cushioning her from a falling ceiling.
For refusing to leave her on the mountain, even when it meant saving lives. Even if she had begged him too.
He had accused her of not being able to separate her feelings for him from her feelings for his brother.
She could have said the same to him.
But what good would it do?
But though she was glad Gene was back as her spirit guide, she did not want to be in his shadow. She couldn't be the replacement Naru didn't even realize he was seeking.
It wasn't his fault he didn't actually care about her.
No, that was being unkind. He did care, in his own way. But he wasn't in love with her. And it was glaringly obvious to her that she was still in love with him.
The three of them, Naru, Gene and Mai, were all tangled hopelessly together. She wasn't sure where one ended and the other began.
All she could do was try to mitigate the damage as best as possible.
Naru was growing up too. She could sense it even when she couldn't always see it. How could she let herself get too wrapped up in him when he was bound to wake up and realize one day that he didn't love Mai the way she loved him?
She sighed, feeling unbearably tired. "Because it's too heavy, Naru. I can't carry that much weight around and still do what needs to be done."
He opened his mouth to argue, but she shook her head, silencing him.
"Someday you'll understand people as well as you think you do. As well as you understand ghosts, Naru."